Girlfriend cheated - but we weren't technically together

The Wild Bunch

Any help greatly appreciated.

Back in October, after coming home from a football game in England, I proceeeded to abandon my girlfriend in our apartment, go to my parents, and I went on a 3 week bender which resulted in 5 day hospitalization.

Upon discharge I lost my job, which meant we could no longer keep the apartment. We stayed there for 2 weeks and then I moved back home and my g/friend moved to her grandparents. It was devastating and showed the effects alcohol can have.

We stayed together for the next week or so (early December) but things weren't the same and I could see she resented me for losing my job and our home, and who could blame her. After a particular argumentative text exchange, I decided to stop contacting her, and once again went on the p*ss, this time for a week, resulting in another 3 day hospitalization.

In that time, she deleted me off facebook and obviously decided it was over, even if I hadnt. I still considered us together.

I've been getting help via therapy recently with my demons, and last friday we decided to give things another go, but take things slow.

We've spent the weekend together and had the best time ever, no fights, its been just it was at the start.

Then this morning I got a message off Facebook saying that last week she slept with a guy. When I confronted her she denied it and then broke down completely and admitted it.

She said she considered herself single, that it was my decision to go AWOL, that it wouldnt have happened had I been there, and that she wanted to see could she get the same emotional and sexual connection with someone else that she got with me.

She said she realised afterwards she couldnt and that she missed me and wanted me and me only again. She seems genuinely disgusted with herself, cant stop crying, and is apologetic. While she maintains I was gone and she was single, she is devastated and thinks this will always be in the back of my mind going forward.

My question is, should I feel wronged/cheated on, or is it my own fault as I was selfish with booze and losing our home and job.

I'm genuinely numb at the thought of her with someone else and the fact that I heard it from someone else, not her.

But I know it wouldnt have happened had I been there.



Any help greatly appreciated

kippy

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

Any help greatly appreciated.

Back in October, after coming home from a football game in England, I proceeeded to abandon my girlfriend in our apartment, go to my parents, and I went on a 3 week bender which resulted in 5 day hospitalization.

Upon discharge I lost my job, which meant we could no longer keep the apartment. We stayed there for 2 weeks and then I moved back home and my g/friend moved to her grandparents. It was devastating and showed the effects alcohol can have.

We stayed together for the next week or so (early December) but things weren't the same and I could see she resented me for losing my job and our home, and who could blame her. After a particular argumentative text exchange, I decided to stop contacting her, and once again went on the p*ss, this time for a week, resulting in another 3 day hospitalization.

In that time, she deleted me off facebook and obviously decided it was over, even if I hadnt. I still considered us together.

I've been getting help via therapy recently with my demons, and last friday we decided to give things another go, but take things slow.

We've spent the weekend together and had the best time ever, no fights, its been just it was at the start.

Then this morning I got a message off Facebook saying that last week she slept with a guy. When I confronted her she denied it and then broke down completely and admitted it.

She said she considered herself single, that it was my decision to go AWOL, that it wouldnt have happened had I been there, and that she wanted to see could she get the same emotional and sexual connection with someone else that she got with me.

She said she realised afterwards she couldnt and that she missed me and wanted me and me only again. She seems genuinely disgusted with herself, cant stop crying, and is apologetic. While she maintains I was gone and she was single, she is devastated and thinks this will always be in the back of my mind going forward.

My question is, should I feel wronged/cheated on, or is it my own fault as I was selfish with booze and losing our home and job.

I'm genuinely numb at the thought of her with someone else and the fact that I heard it from someone else, not her.

But I know it wouldnt have happened had I been there.



Any help greatly appreciated

What do you think yourself?

Hard to blame her fron what youve said. Try forget about it and rebuild your relationship/life.

The Wild Bunch

kippy wrote: »

What do you think yourself?

Hard to blame her fron what youve said. Try forget about it and rebuild your relationship/life.

I genuinely don't know. I'm madly in love with her but the thoughts of her with another guy makes me feel physically sick

Neyite

You were on a break, entirely instigated by you and your behavior so you have no right to give her a hard time.

You both are rebuilding from regrets, and if she can forgive you for all that you did, why can't you?

The Wild Bunch

Neyite wrote: »

You were on a break, entirely instigated by you and your behavior so you have no right to give her a hard time.

You both are rebuilding from regrets, and if she can forgive you for all that you did, why can't you?

Thanks for the reply.

I agree completely. I'm just looking at it from my perspective - if the roles were reversed I still wouldnt in a million years sleep with someone else until I knew everything was officially over.

The worst thing is she says the guy is a complete creep and he wont stop calling or texting her, which is making me feel worse.

She also said she would have told me eventually but I doubt it

maria34

Yes but she was single.

Maybe the thought of your actions makes her sick too? Thats why she ended it.

Count your lucky stars. I wouldnt take you back. Hospidal ward after drinking is not everyday normality.

The Wild Bunch

maria34 wrote: »

Yes but she was single.

Maybe the thought of your actions makes her sick too? Thats why she ended it.

Count your lucky stars. I wouldnt take you back. Hospidal ward after drinking is not everyday normality.

So you're saying let it go and try and rebuild our relationship and get help with my demons?

beks101

Honest advice, forget about your relationship for the moment and focus all your energy on your therapy. You clearly suffer quite seriously with alcoholism and getting yourself into recovery, at any cost, should be your absolute priority.

If you don't deal with this now you'll forever find yourself in dysfunctional relationships, as a by-product of your addiction.

Let this girl loose and put your own mental health and recovery first, until you're completely healthy again.

MugMugs

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

But I know it wouldnt have happened had I been there.

Exactly, and yet you weren't there OP

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

if the roles were reversed I still wouldnt in a million years sleep with someone else until I knew everything was officially over.

Can you really say that though? Has your partner put you into a similar position that you've put her into?

You left her. You're so lucky to still even have her ! If you genuinely do care about her then move on and past this otherwise you're going to lose what sounds to be a very special and tolerable young lady.

The Wild Bunch

MugMugs wrote: »

Exactly, and yet you weren't there OP



Can you really say that though? Has your partner put you into a similar position that you've put her into?

You left her. You're so lucky to still even have her ! If you genuinely do care about her then move on and past this otherwise you're going to lose what sounds to be a very special and tolerable young lady.

Sage words. Thank you for your reply

nc19

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

So you're saying let it go and try and rebuild our relationship and get help with my demons?

Im saying let her go. Get a LOT of help, AA etc and then try to win her back.

Youre no use to anyone if you drink til you end up in hospital.

You sound very immature and selfish

Victoria Fortescue

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

Any help greatly appreciated.

Back in October, after coming home from a football game in England, I proceeeded to abandon my girlfriend in our apartment, go to my parents, and I went on a 3 week bender which resulted in 5 day hospitalization.

Upon discharge I lost my job, which meant we could no longer keep the apartment. We stayed there for 2 weeks and then I moved back home and my g/friend moved to her grandparents. It was devastating and showed the effects alcohol can have.

We stayed together for the next week or so (early December) but things weren't the same and I could see she resented me for losing my job and our home, and who could blame her. After a particular argumentative text exchange, I decided to stop contacting her, and once again went on the p*ss, this time for a week, resulting in another 3 day hospitalization.

In that time, she deleted me off facebook and obviously decided it was over, even if I hadnt. I still considered us together.

I've been getting help via therapy recently with my demons, and last friday we decided to give things another go, but take things slow.

We've spent the weekend together and had the best time ever, no fights, its been just it was at the start.

Then this morning I got a message off Facebook saying that last week she slept with a guy. When I confronted her she denied it and then broke down completely and admitted it.

She said she considered herself single, that it was my decision to go AWOL, that it wouldnt have happened had I been there, and that she wanted to see could she get the same emotional and sexual connection with someone else that she got with me.

She said she realised afterwards she couldnt and that she missed me and wanted me and me only again. She seems genuinely disgusted with herself, cant stop crying, and is apologetic. While she maintains I was gone and she was single, she is devastated and thinks this will always be in the back of my mind going forward.

My question is, should I feel wronged/cheated on, or is it my own fault as I was selfish with booze and losing our home and job.

I'm genuinely numb at the thought of her with someone else and the fact that I heard it from someone else, not her.

But I know it wouldnt have happened had I been there.



Any help greatly appreciated

You speak very plainly and matter of factly about your drink binges, almost playing it down to magnify what she did to you, in your eyes. Have you considered the hurt and anguish you put her through? She thought you didn't give a shi.t about her and rebounded. How was she to know you were going to turn around and try get things going again. Excuse my language, but your behaviour has been a mind f.uck, I actually don't know why she took you back, or how you've manipulated he into feeling bad about herself. You're a horror story.

As Beks said, get yourself help for your drink issues, they won't go away overnight. You put drink down as a higher priority than your gf when the mood hits. I've no time for people like you that won't sort themselves out and blame the world for their problems. My ex husband is the exact same. Yes, I said ex because I copped the fk on, and unless you get the help you need I hope your gf does too.

The Wild Bunch

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

You speak very plainly and matter of factly about your drink binges, almost playing it down to magnify what she did to you, in your eyes. Have you considered the hurt and anguish you put her through? She thought you didn't give a shi.t about her and rebounded. How was she to know you were going to turn around and try get things going again. Excuse my language, but your behaviour has been a mind f.uck, I actually don't know why she took you back, or how you've manipulated he into feeling bad about herself. You're a horror story.

As Beks said, get yourself help for your drink issues, they won't go away overnight. You put drink down as a higher priority than your gf when the mood hits. I've no time for people like you that won't sort themselves out and blame the world for their problems. My ex husband is the exact same. Yes, I said ex because I copped the fk on, and unless you get the help you need I hope your gf does too.

I agree completely. Thank you for your bluntness.

I am getting help, and I am genuinely trying.

Victoria Fortescue

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

I agree completely. Thank you for your bluntness.

I am getting help, and I am genuinely trying.

Let imagining your life without her motivate you to AA meetings and counselling, because you will lose her. I was getting texts from my ass hole ex last night begging me to love him and drunken calls. I'm with someone else happily for the last four years now.

The only reason he has my number is because I have kids for him. I hope to God you and your gf don't have any unless you get yourself sorted. It's had a bad effect on mine, and he's a sh1t role model. If you don't heed advice you will have a miserable, sad existence. Nobody will have any respect for you, including yourself.

Stop blaming your gf, this is all you.

The Wild Bunch

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

Let imagining your life without her motivate you to AA meetings and counselling, because you will lose her. I was getting texts from my ass hole ex last night begging me to love him and drunken calls. I'm with someone else happily for the last four years now.

The only reason he has my number is because I have kids for him. I hope to God you and your gf don't have any unless you get yourself sorted. It's had a bad effect on mine, and he's a sh1t role model. If you don't heed advice you will have a miserable, sad existence. Nobody will have any respect for you, including yourself.

Stop blaming your gf, this is all you.

I'm not blaming her. I'm just conflicted and wanted to know how I should feel.

Drink has never been an issue in our relationship before, we've been together 2 years, since January 2012, and apart from my recent disgraceful binges, our relationship was the image of happiness.

This is not me being in denial. Those 2 binges scared the hell out of me which is why I sought therapy.

Victoria Fortescue

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

I'm not blaming her. I'm just conflicted and wanted to know how I should feel.

Drink has never been an issue in our relationship before, we've been together 2 years, since January 2012, and apart from my recent disgraceful binges, our relationship was the image of happiness.

This is not me being in denial. Those 2 binges scared the hell out of me which is why I sought therapy.

And the guy she loved looked like he couldn't care less about her during these binges. I actually find no fault in what she did. She thought you were through. Don't milk this situation with her, you're lucky to have her back. I'm not getting on your case, I'm just trying to get you to see the weight of this problem and what it could potentially cost you.

I strongly advise against going to matches or any organised p1ss ups, or you will fall down again. Know what situations are a potential threat to you and stay the hell away from them.

I wish you and your gf well op.

The Wild Bunch

Victoria Fortescue wrote: »

And the guy she loved looked like he couldn't care less about her during these binges. I actually find no fault in what she did. She thought you were through. Don't milk this situation with her, you're lucky to have her back. I'm not getting on your case, I'm just trying to get you to see the weight of this problem and what it could potentially cost you.

I strongly advise against going to matches or any organised p1ss ups, or you will fall down again. Know what situations are a potential threat to you and stay the hell away from them.

I wish you and your gf well op.

I've ditched my friends who are not friends but drinking buddies.

The therapist says my problem is I have no hobbies to fill my time so boredom turns me to booze.

My partner is fully supportive and there's not a day goes by that I dont thank god I have her. I was just heartbroken when I found out.

Ill man the f*ck up and sort this out. She means too much to me not to

Penny Tration

Nobody can tell you how you SHOULD feel. If you're hurt, you're hurt. Us telling you you shouldn't feel like that won't change it.

The only way you will start to feel less hurt is if you rationalise it.

You might not have thought you were over, but your actions made her believe you were (and I would have assumed it was over, if I were in her position). She rebounded, because she was in pain, you really hurt her, you led her to believe that binge drinking is more important to you than she is.

I don't think you fully grasp the gravity of the situation and what you did to her. If you did, you would understand why she slept with somebody. She wanted affection, to feel wanted, after her boyfriend showed by his actions that he did NOT want her.

You're allowed to feel hurt. We can't tell you how to feel.

All I can tell you to do is have a long hard think about how YOUR actions caused this. I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, but it's something you need to realise.

I don't know how having no hobbies equates to severe binge drinking, but that's something you need to explore with your therapist. I'd also suggest AA. Whether you believe it or not, when drink impacts your life in such a huge way, you have a drink problem.

You sound like you're trying to get help and move past these issues. Are you doing it for you or for your gf though? If you're doing it for her, it won't work abd you need to step back from the relationship until you've overcome this. If you're genuinely doing it for you and you alone, then keep up the good work.

You can get past this. You just need to consider what you did to her, how your actions led to this, when you think about her with somebody else. She didn't cheat, so you need to stop thinking of it like that.

You're a very lucky man for her to take you back. I was in a situation where I was in a long term relationship with an alcoholic and after his second binge leading to hospital, I left. Thank your lucky stars that she loves you enough to work through this with you. You have a good one there.

Best of luck, op.

The Wild Bunch

green_screen wrote: »

Nobody can tell you how you SHOULD feel. If you're hurt, you're hurt. Us telling you you shouldn't feel like that won't change it.

The only way you will start to feel less hurt is if you rationalise it.

You might not have thought you were over, but your actions made her believe you were (and I would have assumed it was over, if I were in her position). She rebounded, because she was in pain, you really hurt her, you led her to believe that binge drinking is more important to you than she is.

I don't think you fully grasp the gravity of the situation and what you did to her. If you did, you would understand why she slept with somebody. She wanted affection, to feel wanted, after her boyfriend showed by his actions that he did NOT want her.

You're allowed to feel hurt. We can't tell you how to feel.

All I can tell you to do is have a long hard think about how YOUR actions caused this. I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, but it's something you need to realise.

I don't know how having no hobbies equates to severe binge drinking, but that's something you need to explore with your therapist. I'd also suggest AA. Whether you believe it or not, when drink impacts your life in such a huge way, you have a drink problem.

You sound like you're trying to get help and move past these issues. Are you doing it for you or for your gf though? If you're doing it for her, it won't work abd you need to step back from the relationship until you've overcome this. If you're genuinely doing it for you and you alone, then keep up the good work.

You can get past this. You just need to consider what you did to her, how your actions led to this, when you think about her with somebody else. She didn't cheat, so you need to stop thinking of it like that.

You're a very lucky man for her to take you back. I was in a situation where I was in a long term relationship with an alcoholic and after his second binge leading to hospital, I left. Thank your lucky stars that she loves you enough to work through this with you. You have a good one there.

Best of luck, op.

Thank you so much for those words, they mean a lot to me and definitely resonate.

I've been messing things up for far too long, and what happened with my girlfriend, well, i think the penny maybe finally has dropped.

Again, thank you

Penny Tration

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

Thank you so much for those words, they mean a lot to me and definitely resonate.

I've been messing things up for far too long, and what happened with my girlfriend, well, i think the penny maybe finally has dropped.

Again, thank you

You're welcome.

Hopefully, this is rock bottom for you. If it is, the only way you can go is up. I wish you and your girlfriend all the best. It's not gonna be easy, but you can get it sorted.

You can't cheat when you're not in a relationship.

She did nothing wrong and doesn't have to account for her actions. What status you consider your relationship to have had during this period is immaterial, inapplicable, and irrelevant, she considered it over.

I don't understand why she took you back, but if I were you I'd stop using words like cheating.

If you genuinely love your gf as much as you say, you should cut her loose and continue treatment. Maybe when you have yourself in order you could try to form a functional relationship, but for the moment I don't see what you have to offer anyone, least of all yourself, until you get yourself sorted. She definitely deserves better and has been put through enough.

The Wild Bunch

Candie wrote: »

You can't cheat when you're not in a relationship.

She did nothing wrong and doesn't have to account for her actions. What status you consider your relationship to have had during this period is immaterial, inapplicable, and irrelevant, she considered it over.

I don't understand why she took you back, but if I were you I'd stop using words like cheating.

If you genuinely love your gf as much as you say, you should cut her loose and continue treatment. Maybe when you have yourself in order you could try to form a functional relationship, but for the moment I don't see what you have to offer anyone, least of all yourself, until you get yourself sorted. She definitely deserves better and has been put through enough.

I can't let her go, she means too much to me.

The Wild Bunch

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

I can't let her go, she means too much to me.

It's not all about you.

If she means that much to you, consider her happiness, not yours.

The Wild Bunch

Candie wrote: »

It's not all about you.

If she means that much to you, consider her happiness, not yours.

I make her happy. Together we're invincible.

I ****ed up. No one is more ashamed than me, but I am determined to put things right, more so than I have ever been in my life.

I will never meet someone like her again, and Im not gonna let it pass me by

MugMugs

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

I will never meet someone like her again, and Im not gonna let it pass me by

Seems you've answered your own question then OP.

Personally, I don't think she made a mistake here. I can understand that sickness in your gut.

Get yourself help and cherish what you have and let it be a reminder to you if you ever have an urge to do what you've done again.

Chucky the tree

She cheated, no idea why people are defending her on that. The issue is if you can get past that, no one else can answer that. You're behaviour certainly didn't help but that's a complete cop-out excuse from everyone here and your girlfriend. I think even your girlfriend knows she cheated.

The Wild Bunch

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

I make her happy. Together we're invincible.

You wreaked havoc on her, not happiness.

Your relationship was not invincible, but in ruins.

Denial of one's actions is a characteristic of the selfish, and if you want to salvage anything you must acknowledge the extent to which you have made her unhappy and destabilised her world.

Good luck with the future and your recovery.

The Wild Bunch

Candie wrote: »

You wreaked havoc on her, not happiness.

Your relationship was not invincible, but in ruins.

Denial of one's actions is a characteristic of the selfish, and if you want to salvage anything you must acknowledge the extent to which you have made her unhappy and destabilised her world.

Good luck with the future and your recovery.

I'm not denying anything. I made 2 massive mistakes in 2 years.

No offence but you know nothing about the good times, of which they were 90%.

it was out of character for me, believe it or not, to do what I did, and Im disgusted with myself

kippy

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

I'm not denying anything. I made 2 massive mistakes in 2 years.

No offence but you know nothing about the good times, of which they were 90%.

it was out of character for me, believe it or not, to do what I did, and Im disgusted with myself

"You're only ever as good as your last fcuk up" is a phrase that sometimes springs to mind and in this case your last fcuk ups were pretty major, no matter how the "good times" were.
It'll take a long time for you to regain her trust, at least you know she is willing to give you a chance.

Personally I think you're exceptionally lucky to still have a chance with her, you have caused her a lot of issues in the past while but as I said it looks like she is willing to forgive you.

Ultimately you have to ask yourself is what she did a big enough issue to YOU to break up with her. None of us can answer that question, all we can do is point out the options and potential reasoning for the various situations that have developed and may develop.

The Wild Bunch

All things considered having read, and by the way I appreciate the replies, I now believe that what she did pales in significance to my behaviour, and she was justified.

I'm gonna try block it out, try and regain her trust and sort myself out.

Thanks again guys

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe her being with the other fella was the kick up the backside you needed for you to realise what you risk losing.

You completely turned her world upside down. Twice. In a short space of time. From what you say this was out of character for you. Once is out of character. Twice it's starting to become a habit. You treated her appallingly. You disappeared off the radar. Moved out. Drank until you landed yourself in hospital. And then did it again a while later. Losing your job and her home, in the process.

I would wonder about the motives behind the Facebook message, to be honest. Obviously it was from someone who didn't know the full story of how you were carrying on. I don't think it's anyone else's business to tell you. That took the chance of her telling you away from her. And it allowed you to feel hard-done-by. Of course you are allowed feel upset that she was with someone else. But she is equally entitled to feel that your relationship is over if you start making a habit of disappearing and turning her life upside down. I'm sure she regrets what she did, at a very very low point in her life. Same as you do. So now, time to move on.

You have realised what you stand to lose if you continue on this path that you have started. So make sure you don't go down that route. I don't think she's going to give you too many more chances to come back to her.

P. Breathnach

OP, it looks to me as if you are intent on getting over this, and I wish you both the best of luck in doing that.

It might help your mindset a little if you recognised explicitly that your behaviour was a serious betrayal, and she is coping bravely with that.

Ah_Yeah

I am not in disagreement that the OP's behaviour was apalling, and that his gf reacted to her world being turned upside down. However I think he gets the message and feels terrible for his actions, and knows that he cannot blame her for her actions when his were even more terrible.

OP, you need to move on from the past and your regrets and start making moves towards the future. Dwelling on the past will do you no good - recognise the faults, get the help you need, and start making real changes. Show your girlfriend the "good times" like you said.

And for goodness sake, if you do stay together, do NOT hold this over her head. Clean slate.

Best of luck OP.

Holsten

She has 100% cheated on you.

You should sort out your drinking problems before even thinking about a relationship. Lets say everything dies down, you get a handle on the drink and stay clear, get a new job/apartment... Will you be able to deal with the fact your girlfriend had sex with another man?

maria34

Holsten wrote: »

She has 100% cheated on you.

You should sort out your drinking problems before even thinking about a relationship. Lets say everything dies down, you get a handle on the drink and stay clear, get a new job/apartment... Will you be able to deal with the fact your girlfriend had sex with another man?

How she did cheat??? She dumped him because he was an alcoholic and ended up in hospidal, lost the job, ignored her etc. he was so pissed all the time so he didnt care/understand/accept it. Just because he didnt get the point she was making it doesnt mean she was cheating.
We are allowed to have fun when we are single. Especially as the op wasnt too much fun to be around.

hullaballoo

Cheating is such a vacuous term. It's never black and white.

She was with someone else either side of you completely messing her up. As someone above has said, both of you will be hurting after this. That's normal. If it's going to work out, you both need to deal with that pain without letting it become resentment.

She would be well within her rights to tell you to get lost either for good or until you stop drinking. You would be well within your rights to say that you don't think you can get over her being with someone else. If you're in a serious relationship, both of those options are total cop-outs.

Go and get yourself better. Don't think about her being with anyone else because in any relationship, that's pure poison. Work together on rebuilding the relationship. If it's what you both really want, it can still work out. Just don't expect it to. There is still a lot of work needed.

Merkin

I think there's an element of deflection going on here. You say that your relationship is absolutely perfect bar (two) catastrophic and very serious fcuk ups but in most people's books, you wouldn't even be considered for any kind of second chance. You were responsible for the girl losing her home and you went AWOL on her so I wouldn't think it beyond the realms of all probability that she considered herself resolutely single at the time. Who she was with in that time is incidental.

I'd wonder whether either of you should be in a relationship to be honest. I know you say that together you're "invincible" but maybe some time out would be beneficial in order for you to give prolonged sobriety a go and prove to her that this will never happen again.

I think this happening once is a pretty major fcuk up, it happening twice is establishing a pattern and there seems to be a major breakdown of trust on both sides.

December2012

Are you focusing on this problem instead of focusing on your drinking problem?

Just pause things for now and get to the root of why you acted in such a destructive way to your life.

Holsten

Holsten wrote: »

She has 100% cheated on you.

Will you be able to deal with the fact your girlfriend had sex with another man?

I don't understand how someone who's read the OP can come up with this.

She was single. Whatever she did is her business. She owes him nothing, not an explanation, not an excuse, certainly not a guilty conscience.

username123

Op - you have given a description of your own horrifically irresponsible selfish behaviour leading to the loss of your health, your home, your job and for a period of time at least, your relationship.

Yet you want to know if you should feel wronged???

You need a serious dose of cop on. Get your priorities in order! You are lucky your girlfriend is even speaking to you!! She would be well justified in never ever speaking to you again after your own disgusting behaviour.

If you were drinking so much as to require being hospitalised then that means that you havent got a clue what you were up to during those lost hours either. Perhaps you did plenty of things that she would feel wronged by but wait, oh its ok isnt it, because you were drunk and now you are seeking help?

Shift the focus back on the problem, your behaviour. Stop worrying about what your girlfriend did while she considered herself to be broken up with you - whether or not you considered the relationship broken up is irrelevant, you were too busy getting hospitalised to check on the relationship status so you dont get a say there.

Thank your lucky stars that you are not dead and that any of your family, friends and your girlfriend are still willing to treat you as person. Beg forgiveness from the girl, you lost her her home and put her through hell.

strandroad

You abandoned her and effectively liquidated your household, she was free to do whatever she wanted, including trying with other people.

Take it on the chin and be grateful that after repeated top-of-the-scale f*ckups she's still willing to give you a chance. You are only focusing on this to sideline what you've done yourself... face it instead and be grateful for her even talking to you.

The Wild Bunch

Point taken guys.

I gave her my word I would never bring it up again.

She's standing by me, for which I'm eternally grateful, and I'm gonna sort my sh*t out

username123

On a side note, best of luck staying off the booze.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and the future is not bright for you or anyone around you if you continue to allow alcohol to abuse you. Nothing lies that way except a horrific life of addiction, brain damage, pain both emotional and physical and the utter destruction of any love anyone ever had for you.

In many ways you are lucky - by the time my father started getting hospitalised the habituation of the addiction was too set in, he just couldnt face reality sober anymore.

You hold all the cards here, do you let this thing control you or do you man up and resolve your issues sober. I hope you make the right choice, my father didnt and died young, lonely, yellow and brain damaged.

Chucky the tree

I'd be carefully about letting this one slide so easily OP. If your girlfriend was single and thinks she did nothing wrong then why did she deny it in the first place? Also her stance for blaming it all on you is a pretty disgusting cop out imo. Whatever about your actions you didn't force her to jump into bed with whatever man came along no matter how she wants to claim. Lastly if she genuinely feels she was single then why is she so upset about it all? If I felt I was single and didn't nothing wrong I certainly wouldn't be crying and constantly apologising about it. If it was me I'd probably get past the cheating, I'd really struggle to get past her actions after it though. I think that's a much bigger problem.

eurokev

Sounds like something you'd see on jeremy kyle

The Wild Bunch

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I'd be carefully about letting this one slide so easily OP. If your girlfriend was single and thinks she did nothing wrong then why did she deny it in the first place? Also her stance for blaming it all on you is a pretty disgusting cop out imo. Whatever about your actions you didn't force her to jump into bed with whatever man came along no matter how she wants to claim. Lastly if she genuinely feels she was single then why is she so upset about it all? If I felt I was single and didn't nothing wrong I certainly wouldn't be crying and constantly apologising about it. If it was me I'd probably get past the cheating, I'd really struggle to get past her actions after it though. I think that's a much bigger problem.

She said she realised after it happening how much she missed me and that the grass wasn't greener, and said she denied it as she didn't want to lose me.

Taltos

eurokev welcome to PI/RI.
Please take some time now to read our charter. Basically if you have no constructive advice to offer the OP please don't post here, otherwise you risk receiving warnings / infractions / bans. Due to the nature of the issues here this forum is strictly moderated so if you can't post in line with our charter please consider not posting at all.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Between your drunkness and your girlfriend willing to jump in to bed with virtually the first guy that comes along after the (possible) break up of your relationship I would have to say that ye are a toxic pair and god help any poor child that ye bring into this world.


As for advice, i would agree with the poster that said that you should not go back together. If I was you, would remain sigle for a while and work on my drink problem. If you feel that you have it kicked (not always that easy to be sure) and she still has feeling for you then ye can get back together. Your current mindset doesnt seem to be the best platform for rekindling the relationship.

iusedtoknow

you betrayed her, not sexually (that we know of, god knows what could have happened if you blacked out) but YOU betrayed her by mistreating her in the way you did.

Yes, she did sleep with someone else, but you abandoned her and your relationship. In the process, through no fault of her own she managed to lose her home and portion of her independence.

You're now getting help which is really great, but part of "recovery" ( i don't drink but do not subscribe to the AA definition of alcoholic) is admitting your past wrongs and moving on. You need to see this as another result of your selfish bender rather than anything deeper.

I really wish you the best in staying sober. It's tough initially to come off the drink but worth it. I had a problem with drink (nowhere near to your degree) and came very close to losing my GF (now wife) and the life that I had built. I saw sense and stopped before it got the better of me.

Czarcasm

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

I'm not denying anything. I made 2 massive mistakes in 2 years.

No offence but you know nothing about the good times, of which they were 90%.

it was out of character for me, believe it or not, to do what I did, and Im disgusted with myself

OP often times in this forum you're quite right, posters aren't privy to 90% of what goes on in a relationship, and the 10%, well, we're only privy to 50% of that either, because we're only given a glimpse of one side of the equation.

On that basis I'm not going to pass any judgement or comment on your situation other than to suggest that both you and your girlfriend make an appointment at your nearest STI clinic as a matter of urgency.

Holsten

maria34 wrote: »

How she did cheat??? She dumped him because he was an alcoholic and ended up in hospidal, lost the job, ignored her etc. he was so pissed all the time so he didnt care/understand/accept it. Just because he didnt get the point she was making it doesnt mean she was cheating.
We are allowed to have fun when we are single. Especially as the op wasnt too much fun to be around.

In my eyes it's cheating.

She hopped into bed with someone extremely quickly and then wanted to try again. Putting the blame on the OP that she slept with someone else, it's his fault? Bollox it is, he is at fault for a bunch of stuff but not her sexual choices.

If she had completely cut off everything and never tried again then yeah no problem, but this little bit of "fun" is a problem. Why lie about it and break down? It's obviously a big deal.

It's very naive to think this would be ok, just because of the OP's previous actions. For me, and for others it would end of the road.