Husband GPS tracking me

LegacyUser

Hi

I am a newly wed however we have been in our relationship for over 10 years. Before marrying we had 10 very happy years together. Some ups and downs but essentially I thought we were perfect together until we got married. Shortly before we married my husband bought me a smart phone. Immediately on return from honeymoon he installed an app that allows location tracking with one another through the GPS on the phone. He is a techie guy and told me he thought that this would be useful/ save the hassle of ringing each other to see where we both are after work etc. Initially I thought nothing of it- big deal he knows where I am. That was until my battery ran out of charge and came home a couple of hours late.
on entering the house there was no hello just straight into my handbag furiously demanding why I hadn't charged the phone and where I had been. I told him what happened and why I was late but I don't think he believes me he was raging. This man has never raised his voice to me before. He scared me.
Then one evening the phone gave my location somewhat inaccurately about 300m away from where I actually was. He then accused me of lying about what I am doing and where I am.
I have said that I am no longer comfortable with being essentially stalked by my own husband and that this is leading to communication breakdown and distance between us. He strongly disagrees and says that I must keep the app to reassure him. I now live in fear of my phone powering off or giving the wrong location equating to war when I get home.
To be honest he has changed so much in the past few months I am questioning whether this is the same man at all. He clearly doesn't trust me that can only mean one thing to me.He doesn't love me anymore. I am seriously considering leaving him. Am I over reacting?

Jenneke87

Not at all IMO. He's acting like he's paranoid and a major control freak, I mean what are you to him, a dog on a leash whoms every move he can control. This is very worrying behaviour and you shouldn't have to be afraid of your partner lashing out to you like that and not trusting you. Demand that he sort himself out or leave. This will not sort itself out and could get ugly real quick.

P. Breathnach

I don't think you are overreacting much. What he is doing is quite unreasonable.

Ask yourself why he is doing it. Is it a manifestation of a bullying or controlling personality, or is it a sign of some deep insecurity?

If it's the first, pack your bags.

If it's the second, you should confront him and put the onus on him to deal with his insecurity, possibly with professional help. If he accepts that it is an insecurity thing and that he will try to deal with it, the first thing that should be done is delete the app from your phone. In order to meet him a quarter of the way, offer to tell him in a general way about your movements.

AnonMouse

That is a bizarre scenario OP and something that needs to be addressed very quickly, for your own sake. It is not rational or acceptable that your husband knows where you are 24/7. I'd delete the app if I was you.

Another thing that struck me is that perhaps he is this paranoid because he is up to no good himself. After all, a suspicious mind is a guilty mind. I'm not saying that to upset you; it is just a thought I had.

For your own well being, deal with this ASAP and make sure your husband knows that it is not OK for him to be tracking you.

I wish you well

beertons

Get a new phone, trade in or swap the one you have. He probably had a password on it, so you can't disable it. Then sit down with him and tell him how it's going to be from now on. He's being possessive and controlling, that's not healthy for you or him.

lukesmom

My God what is wrong with him???? I find the idea of partners tracking each other as creepy. I know I would not allow it to continue.

1st step delete the app
2nd step delete him from your life unless he can see the error of his ways

Maura74

Also advise him that you do not have memory problems and do not need tracking.

Oryx

The app is a symptom of something and getting rid of it won't get rid of the issue. You are married to a paranoid, distrustful man, that is his problem, don't fall into the trap of thinking you need to adapt your behaviour in order to keep things sweet. The person who needs to change is him. It may be difficult or impossible for him to do this, but the only way to handle his unreasonable behaviour is head on. Do not submit to his paranoid demands, do not let him track you, don't answer endless questions and do not be bullied or coerced. Always remind yourself you are not doing anything wrong and put the problem back where it belongs; on him.

username123

There's nothing normal about this and you need to confront him on why he feels the need to track you as though you are his property. He has a problem, I'd imagine there are other signs of his mistrust and paranoia also, he needs to deal with this.

ted1

He sounds like a right nut job.
Reminds me of the stories your hear about suppressed wives of some middle easterns.

Oryx

And please understand that 'I'm only doing this because I love you' is a lie. Normal loving partners do not behave like this.

CaraMay

Op I'm really sorry to say that this is one of the scariest threads I have seen on here. I don't really know what to say other than get out of there because he sounds unhinged and I would worry for your safety. Hope you can confide in friends or family and that you get the support you need to be safe.

harney

Wow very dodgy. If he is doing that I would imagine he has your email/facebook passwords etc. There are lots of key logging software options out there that can record what ever you are typing.

Is he Irish, or does he have family close by that you could subtly bring up the situation with?

fungun

Was his parents marriage a bit strange like this? It seems odd to me that someone who seems fine for 10 years should suddenly change like this. I wonder does he have some subconscious link in his head that equates marriage with possession and now feels you should be 'his', if you know what I mean.

This is definitely a symptom of something else and its important not to just address this but to address the root cause. I see 3 possible root causes here, you can prob see more if you know him.
1. He equates marriage with ownership and feels he should know where you are all the time. If true, this could be because he feels ownership for your safety or because he feels he should know everything about you. Either should be kicked to touch.
2. He is suspicious because he himself is being unfaithful.
3. He is a controlling person.

If you are being entirely honest about 10 good years together with no sign of this, Im tempted to think its a mix of 1 and 3.....he perhaps was a bit controlling in a way that you put up with, but now that you are married he somehow feels a sense that he can invade your privacy if he so wishes at any time and you should be answerable to him at all times - and any issues here causes him to feel irrationally angry as he probably feels he has 'the right' to know

If true, then in my opinion, this isnt a 'walk away, he is unhinged' issue...but you do need to sit down and set him straight and make him realise how unreasonable this is. He will probably try not to take your concerns really seriously and you will probably need to do something to emphasise how serious this is - for instance, you could ask him to delete the app, and if he doesnt then smash the phone on the ground to just shock him a bit!

Best of luck - make sure you dont let this fester, do deal with it

DoozerT6

OP, has his behaviour changed in any other way that concerns you?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm thinking primarily of mental health issues. It's not beyond the realms of possibility. It might be worth considering, if this (paranoia) is a new issue for him (as you say, he has changed a lot in the past few months).

You know him best. Exploring the possibility of some mental illness manifesting itself like this might be worth looking into - how you would broach this subject is another thing!! Always please ensure your own personal safety.

That being said, if it turns out that he is just a controlling person, then please: a) nip this firmly in the bud NOW, or b) please leave the situation. Your own mental health and happiness matters more than him knowing where you are 24/7.

bronte

It is absolutely terrifying that someone can behave normally for 10 years and then flip like this. I'd be gone to be honest.
Do you think you'd be able to discuss the matter with him without any fear of threat to yourself? If not, leave for your own safety. Ask for help from a trusted friend or family member if you need it.

You do not need to live in fear or tolerate psycho behaviour like this.

ElleEm

This is mad behaviour, and is so strange that it seemed to pop up out of the blue right after you were married.

Is there anything you can think of that you may have done to trigger this behaviour in him? Would he have any reason not to trust you all of a sudden?

You are right in saying that he doesn't seem like the same man. You really need to get to the bottom of this with him, and delve deeper than the "it's handy to know where you are" BS. If he seems different, tell him. Tell him he seems paranoid and distrustful, and ask where this stems from. You need to be honest about everything. Tell him that you are considering leaving him because you are scared of him. Everyone here can tell you to leave him, but they did not love him for ten years. If you want to save your marriage, talk about this. If it comes to it, go to marriage counselling, but the issue here is definitely his.

December2012

DoozerT6 wrote: »

OP, has his behaviour changed in any other way that concerns you?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm thinking primarily of mental health issues. It's not beyond the realms of possibility. It might be worth considering, if this (paranoia) is a new issue for him (as you say, he has changed a lot in the past few months).

You know him best. Exploring the possibility of some mental illness manifesting itself like this might be worth looking into - how you would broach this subject is another thing!! Always please ensure your own personal safety.

That being said, if it turns out that he is just a controlling person, then please: a) nip this firmly in the bud NOW, or b) please leave the situation. Your own mental health and happiness matters more than him knowing where you are 24/7.

That jumped out at me too - I am not excusing his paranoia because it's very inappropriate and wrong! But - if somebody's personality changed as drastically and as severely as you suggest then it could be a medical mental health issue and worth investigating with a psychiatrist / doctor.

Stavro Mueller

harney wrote: »

Wow very dodgy. If he is doing that I would imagine he has your email/facebook passwords etc. There are lots of key logging software options out there that can record what ever you are typing.

Good point - if I was you I'd take the precaution of changing my passwords on a computer he doesn't have access to. Not just email/facebook but to to iTunes/Google Play so he can't put software back onto the phone. Perhaps someone more tech savvy than me will correct me on this but hopefully restoring your phone to factory settings and changing our PIN will remove any other software he might have on it. If he thinks tracking you by GPS is acceptable behaviour, god only knows what else he has been monitoring

maria34

I just could think about one thing - he has cheated on you. He was hiding it, lied etc. now he got paranoia thing going on that you could do the same. And that app helps him to feed his paranoia because it gives him wrong location.

Having that kind of app is wrong overall i think. But thats a different story already.

Big Bag of Chips

If for 10 years he was the perfect partner, then I wouldn't be too quick to end the relationship. It would be pretty difficult to hide that type of personality for 10 years. The thing that has changed here is the availability of software to link you up 24/7. I live very close to the border of 3 counties. Sometimes without moving from my sitting room my phone might have my location as any one of them.

You need to talk to him about the unreliability of the app he is using and also about the margin of error. Tell him that while it seemed like a good idea at the start (and a bit of fun!) it is obviously only causing problems, and turning him into a different person. We can all get a bit carried away with all the new technology available to us, and become almost addicted to checking our phones, Facebook, etc.. It seems he has let this go too far without realising it.

Maybe calmly, not in the middle of a row, telling him that it's causing more problems than it's solving (there was no problem to solve in the first place!) and you want him to stop using it might open his eyes to what he has become.

If he cannot see the sense in that, or be reasonable about it, well then THEN you need to make some decisions. And let him know you are serious.

tinkerbell

There's nothing wrong with having that app installed on your phone if it's just innocent and both in the relationship are happy using it and trust each other. However, it becomes a major problem if one party gets obsessed with it and starts questioning your every move and going nuts if you are somewhere that you didn't tell him about prior. You are not a child and he is not your parent.

I'd be very worried if all this happened directly after you got married. It sounds like now that you're his wife that he's turned into a control freak and you are his property. Time to wipe your phone, factory reset and do not install that app again. I'd also suggest he goes to counselling as he is being completely unreasonable here.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thank you all so much for your replies. It has been a very rude awakening for me to see comments that others find this terrifying and have serious concerns for my safety.

To those that suggested that he is cheating or has cheated I think you are right. Your suggestions spurred me on to search his phone bill. He has been texting a number at all hours of the night- nights I know that I was lying in bed beside him asleep. I rang the voicemail of this number and it is his female work colleague that I know. My heart is breaking.

As an update I have deleted the app but when I went to do a factory reset I noticed that he has signed in with his own samsung account and I don't have the password. He set the phone up for me the day he bought it. Does anyone know if I can over ride this without his password? or do I need to get a new phone? It seems that this sign in also allows tracking.

To answer some of your questions above. I am not aware of having done anything that would make him suspicious to warrant this tracking other than the fact that he must be cheating. He is Irish and from a family where his parents separated when he was a child and he did have mental health issues relating to this at the time that he was treated for. His family are aware that he is using the app but not that I am uncomfortable with it. Other behavioural changes include some improvements in clothing and appearance and distancing and communication problems.

I am packing my bags and going to a family member tonight as my husband will be home in a couple of hours and I am in no position to confront him.

cintec

for the phone just google how to do a factory reset for the model phone you have you can also do a search on google if you want.

you can then setup the phone with your own email account in the setup

gordongekko

Do some research on the app. It might be that there is no windows version. If not just get rid of the phone and buy a windows one.

If he still keeps acting odd pack your bags and move out until he agrees to get some professional help.

FairytaleGirl

Good luck OP.

ElleEm

Sending you loads of hugs, OP.

At least you know you have done nothing wrong here.
Stay strong, get support from those who love you and if you don't feel like having contact with your husband, don't. You are under no obligation to talk to him right now.

GreeBo

Hey OP, very sorry to hear how things are working out.

Is it possible that he wants to always know exactly where you are because he is somewhere doing something he shouldnt be and wants to make sure he wont get caught?

I think a frank face to face is the only way to resolve this, whatever the outcome.

Best of luck.

CaraMay

GreeBo wrote: »

Is it possible that he wants to always know exactly where you are because he is somewhere doing something he shouldnt be and wants to make sure he wont get caught?..

Gosh op am so sorry to hear how things have panned out. Now you know why he wanted to know where you were.

Go stay with a loved one, talk it out with them and collect yourself before talking to him.

Good luck

Big Bag of Chips

I think you are right to put a bit of space between you. And be prepared for when you do talk to him for him to turn things around on you.

I'm sorry for how things have turned out. You need to look after yourself now. It is not impossible for a relationship to come back from this. But it will take work, and trust on both sides. Whether you feel up to that is something that you will have to decide. But don't feel pressured by others one way or another. And take as much time as you need.

MugMugs

Really sorry for your hurt OP but you will need to challenge him on these texts and not let your brain jump to any conclusions. There could be an innocent reason for those texts.

ABajaninCork

I'm so very sorry to read of this OP. But I'm giving you a huge YAY for dealing with the problem in the way you have.

I read the thread from the beginning. By the time I got to the 6th post, I thought 'Uh oh. Either Bossman is cheating or he has a big MH problem'. Sadly, it looks as though I was right.

I'll say it again. Huge kudos to you in the calm way you've removed yourself from the situation and are dealing with it. Stay strong!

As for the phone? Give it back to him. He can give it to his bit of fluff and she can see how she likes her every move monitored. Get yourself a new phone.

Change EVERY password on your laptop/phone/tablet/programmes whether he knows them or not. Once you've done that, then install an anti-keylogger programme on your machine. There's loads of free ones - have a Google for something suitable.

Happy New Year to you. Stay calm and keep well and strong.

hoodwinked

op, about the app

both my husband and i have iphones, and installed the find my iphone app (essentially also a gps tracker) we have used it from time to time mostly as i constantly misplace my phone (which was why we set it up).

yes he has used it as have i to see where the other person is when waiting on each other for an event, rather than phoning them while they are driving, but its never used in a malicious way and if it was i would probably feel like you do now.

my location nor his has never been questioned and one day (when we set it up) we noticed while mine was telling him i was at home, his was telling me he was across the city, even though he was standing right next to me phone in his hand.

the fact your husband didn't even trust you enough to think this was the case, when you said you were in one place and the phone said you were elsewhere is the most worrying part,

he clearly doesn't trust you and thats his problem not yours,

i hope everything works out for you op i just said i would throw in my two cents on my experience of these apps.

NIMAN

I find it hard to believe that the OP was happy for 10 years with this guy, then all of a sudden he turns into a weirdo.

Surely something would have come up in those 10 years?

ABajaninCork

username2014 wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Thank you all so much for your replies. It has been a very rude awakening for me to see comments that others find this terrifying and have serious concerns for my safety.

To those that suggested that he is cheating or has cheated I think you are right. Your suggestions spurred me on to search his phone bill. He has been texting a number at all hours of the night- nights I know that I was lying in bed beside him asleep. I rang the voicemail of this number and it is his female work colleague that I know. My heart is breaking.

As an update I have deleted the app but when I went to do a factory reset I noticed that he has signed in with his own samsung account and I don't have the password. He set the phone up for me the day he bought it. Does anyone know if I can over ride this without his password? or do I need to get a new phone? It seems that this sign in also allows tracking.

To answer some of your questions above. I am not aware of having done anything that would make him suspicious to warrant this tracking other than the fact that he must be cheating. He is Irish and from a family where his parents separated when he was a child and he did have mental health issues relating to this at the time that he was treated for. His family are aware that he is using the app but not that I am uncomfortable with it. Other behavioural changes include some improvements in clothing and appearance and distancing and communication problems.

I am packing my bags and going to a family member tonight as my husband will be home in a couple of hours and I am in no position to confront him.

It's interesting to note that his family KNEW he was using the tracking app. What is your relationship like with them - Did they say anything to you? And did they not think it was strange behaviour??

LegacyUser

Op,

I have been through almost the exact situation your in. In my case though the jealously was evident before the wedding.

We also both had I phones with the find my I phone app installed and we both knew each other's passwords. After an argument one night I happened to check his phone to see that he was in a completely different place to where he said he was which raised my suspicions. I began searching the house and found phone bills going back months with literally hundreds and hundreds of texts to two different numbers. I grew myself a set of balls and rang those numbers and ended up finding out that he had been with at least one woman and was grooming another during our six months of marriage. When I looked back everything fell into place. Usually the jealous one has a guilty mind and projects this on their partner. Ive made myself a promise now that I will run at the first sign of possessiveness and jealously in any partner because it just isn't worth it. He didn't even like if I talked to other men in his company, was sure I would be with someone else if I went out with my single friends and became more possessive as time went on. The thought that he was cheating was the very first thing I thought when I read your post,

A previous poster said that relationships can get over anything but I'm sorry I don't think so. If he is like this so early in the marriage and is carrying on with a work colleague them really I can't see how this could be repaired. Cheaters don't change, he probably won't leave his job either.

I just wanted to share a tiny bit of my story with you to let you know that you aren't on your own other people are going through the same thing. I'm almost a year down road from this now and I'm on the mend and I wish you the best of luck and all the personal strength you need to deal with this situation.

Sending you a big hug
Xxx

Little Acorn

What you posted about your husband is seriously freaky.

If I was you my mind wouldn't rest until :

I had a new phone,

Brought my computer into a tech expert or repair guy to check it for any keyloggers or other spying tools.

Changed ALL of my passwords on everything,

I think some modern cars have gps tracking systems and if I had such a car I would be investigating whether he had access to that information aswell.

I would either be moving out or else changing the locks if he was the one moving.

and I would also be searching the house especially the bedroom for hidden cameras.
- I know that might sound extremely far fethed but if he was so paranoid about her cheating that he actually gps tracked her every move daily then a hidden camera to 'catch' her in an affair doesn't sound too crazy to me.
I will probably get criticised for being alarmist but this is genuinely how I would react if someone reacted so angrily when their fecking gps tracker app on me malfunctioned.

Freaky as fcuk.

When you are confronting him about what you believe is a possible affair he is having, please bring a trusted friend with you. I would worry that he could get very angry when he realises he can no longer control you anymore. Be Safe.

LegacyUser

Hi all

Thanks for your replies and comforting messages.

I have confronted him about the affair. I did do this alone as I felt I could be wrong and he is normally a gentle person. I was so nervous that I was wrong it was terrifying. He has denied it but it breaks my heart that before doing that he gave a tiny nod of his head. Body language doesn't lie I know this him years and can read him like a book, he has been cheating. It has made me literally physically ill. This girl attended our wedding. Watched him take his vows. He stormed off saying he doesn't have to listen to this.
I searched the house and found condoms. We haven't used them in years. In fact we were trying for a baby. How the tables turn. Thankfully that didn't work.

Anyway a cheater will always be a cheater especially when they can't come forward and tell the truth. Our marriage is over.

To reply to you all. I have changed my phone, I don't have gps on my car. We do actually have cameras in the house in the hallways for security reasons already this is nothing new and has been installed for years.

His family knew he was doing this but only in the sense that they were waiting for me to meet them. He checked the tracker rather than ring me when I was driving. I am sure it seemed very innocent to them as it did to me.

I am not saying that we never had our problems over the years but one thing that always was great was that I used to go anywhere with anyone and he wouldn't mind.He used to trust me no questions asked and vice versa.

I have spoken to a friend who works in legal and it seems I cannot change the locks of the house as he owns half of it too. What a mess.

CaraMay

Op it's a mess but thank god you didn't have kids. You are so strong so protect yourself, move on and don't look back. Good luck

jdsk2006

Iv been watching this thread and i just cannot believe the twist this story took, i honestly thought your husband was having some sort of a mental breakdown (who knows, maybe all the stress of his double life was a tippin point)
I hope your ok op and have lots of support around you, you sound very grounded and strong - i wish you well xx

Big Bag of Chips

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't necessarily true. But what is true about a liar is, they will only admit to what they have been 100% caught out on. For now he is denying everything. In time he might start drip feeding you information. Admitting to texting her 'but nothing happened'. If you have proof that something more happened, he might admit to kissing her, 'but it didn't go any further'. He might say he bought condoms but couldn't go through with sleeping with her, because he couldn't betray you etc... etc... etc...

The important thing here is to do what YOU want. If he was completely honest with you from now, admitted to whatever it is that has gone on between them and begged for your forgiveness, would you be willing to try save your marriage? Or, is it all too late, and you've already decided it's over?

That is something that only you can decided, and nobody else should tell you are wrong to choose either. It's a horrible situation to find yourself in, and I don't envy you, for one minute.

P. Breathnach

Well done, OP.

I'm sure it hurts like hell, and you have my sympathy on that.

alias06

You should make an appointment to talk to a family law solicitor straight away.

Maura74

OP it is awful that you have been placed in such predicament through no fault of your own. Think this through and do not make rash decision when you so upset. Wonder why he wanted children. Do you think having children would have changed his ways?

People tell lies for all sort of reason and tell white lies all the time. But your OH tried to deceive you. That is not good from a partner of 10 years. He should have been more open with you. However I expect he and your ex friend did not want to hurt you and they know you are good person.

Best of Luck and know it's not your fault.

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/why-people-cheat/likely-to-cheat.html

simonsays1

Take care of yourself!!

m'lady

Ive been watching this thread for past few days in shock, and couldn't offer you any further advice than what you already got, but felt I had to post and wish you the very best in the future, you really are well rid from this spineless control freak, I know it's easy for me to say but in a couple of years you will realise that.

I also reckon in a few years you will realise that perhaps he's always been controlling but you didn't see it as clearly as you do now.. Good luck OP x

Ah_Yeah

Abuse does not need to be physical to hurt someone and ruin their lives. I know people who went through Mental abuse that left them with scarring far worse than people who were physically abused. Both are unforgivable in my book, but often mental abuse is overlooked as there is no external scarring. It is to be taken equally as seriously as physical abuse.

OP, this is mental abuse and your husband is controlling and possessive. You need to take actions now before this gets any worse, and he whittles away at your self esteem.

Please mind yourself and put yourself first here. xx

czechlin

I'm very shocked by this story as I find it quite disturbing. I hoped it could be sorted and I'm sorry about the outcome OP. I've no words of wisdom for you just best wishes for the future.

LegacyUser

Hi all OP here,

Thanks for your replies and advice. It has been an incredibly tough week for me. Big bag of chips you hit the nail on the head. First he admitted an emotional affair, then admitted he kissed her. I don't think I really want to know anymore. He is a tired cliché.

What has taken me most aback is that he is blaming me.. Saying that I was emotionally unavailable so he found comfort elsewhere. He is not begging forgiveness at all for what happened or trying to be open and honest with me. He tells me he has stopped all contact with her and that they are not in love etc. That she was messing with his head. Basically he is blaming everyone but himself.

So I have spent the week thinking about what I really want. My husband now disgusts me. My self esteem is so low that I have to take control of my life back and get away from him. I don't want to be looking back on my life in 30 years time regretting a life that I have wasted on him.

I can't possibly consider having a family with him in the future. Part of me is grieving for the family life that we planned to build together.

I am afraid of being alone and single now but anything has to be better than the position that I am in now. I will just have to try to be brave.

I have been in touch with a solicitor. We are extremely tied together legally (properties, companies etc). Dissolving the marriage vows seems as though it will be the easy part. Dealing with the emotional fallout will be more difficult.

Neyite

He is following the script that cheaters use when they get caught.
They lie lie lie. Then they are confronted with proof. Then they admit to the bare minimum. They minimise, they deflect, they blame you.

Once they realise you are serious about the marriage ending, they become contrite/ angry/ abusive/ loving/ suicidal etc or any combination of those.

It might be no harm to talk to your solicitor about what options are available for you should he up the ante with his controlling behaviour, and how you can protect yourself from that. You may never need those options, but if some night he is demanding to be let in to your house and you are feeling a bit scared, it helps to know what you can do. Remember, this is a man who has no problem spying on you already.

You dont see it, but you really are doing wonderfully here. Its still early days and there will be ups and downs but you'll get there.

CaraMay

He is a piece of work. If she wasn't messing with his head would he still be with her so??? The man has a serious ego.

Are you talking to your friends and family? Make sure you do. You don't need to hide what he did. If people ask why you left him tell them the truth as you don't owe him anything.

Op you are doing so well. Don't stop now.