Will it ever be socially acceptable to call someone overweight to their face?

Wanderer2010

I have a mate who had gained about 2 stone the past year, I suspect depression but being a bloke etc we dont really pry into his life, he was a part of our social gang but lately he seems to be withdrawn and the weight gain is quite obvious. I was going to approach him on this the other night just a quiet conversation 1 to 1, but when the time came I just couldnt say it. I wasnt going to come right out and say "You are fat, sort it out", more like "If you want to join my gym or start hillwalking with me you are more than welcome and it might help you shed the weight", but I couldnt say the words, it just dawned on me that there is just no way to say that to another human being without being an offensive and horrible cnut..

I have heard "you have lost soooo much weight, its suits you" or "you lost too much weight, you could do with some food in you" but never the other way around (im not counting mindless scumbags who snigger or throw abuse from the car etc). Is there ever a way to tell someone that they are overweight without offending??

strandroad

Just say "you've put on some weight recently", that doesn't make them overweight.

Pj!

"When are you due?"

JuliusCaesar

Yeah, because he is entirely unaware that he has put on weight.

Links234

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I suspect depression

And then maybe that's the problem you should try dealing with? Ask your mate if there's anything bothering him, and if he wants to talk, you're there to listen?

Honestly, I was pretty overweight once and I had crippling depression, I was constantly trying to lose weight but couldn't until after I'd pulled myself out from a very dark place. Tackle the cause and not the symptom, if you follow my meaning?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

If he's a close friend and you're worried about him then yeah I think so. You don't be an ass about it obviously, but you could ask him to go to gym/cycling whatever with you. If nothing else I'm sure exercise would be good for him if he is a bit depressed. Wouldn't hurt anyway

Chucken

You could try asking him if he's ok. If he's depressed, he could do with a friend to talk to.
Leave the weight issue out of it.

the_syco

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I have a mate

<snip>

I couldnt say the words, it just dawned on me that there is just no way to say that to another human being without being an offensive and horrible cnut..

If he's your mate, invite him to sports related activity. The moment you say say "you're fat, sort it out" will be the moment you lose at least one friend.

The_Minister

People put on weight for a myriad of reasons, some of them trivial, some of them not - a wake up call isn't always appropriate or welcome and it's difficult to know when it is or isn't.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Femme_Fatale

Why make someone else's weight gain your concern at all unless it directly affects you negatively?

Sir Osis of Liver.

Be a pal and give the fat bastard a call.

MonsterCookie

For his own sake, it's better that you mention it. Even though it is up to him to recognise the problem, often a friendly hint can be the catalyst for action.

zenno

A friend of mine once said to me... you are turning into a fat bastard, but I already knew this and then decided to burn it off, it wasn't much but it took 3 months to get back to my ideal weight. Fair play to him, I owe him some gratitude, it worked.

CruelCoin

Why does it bother you so much OP?

anncoates

You're talking about the chap putting on some weight in the same fashion you would describe symptoms of a debilitating illness or outward signs of mental disorder.

wazky

Be delicate with the subject, something along the lines of "When was the last time you saw your feet John?" should suffice.

retroactive

Has anyone seen the new weight watchers advert where, in simple terms, they say that a being fat is a barrier to relationships with you children? I think out anti fat adverts should have some teeth.

Its a pity an open and frank discussion cannot be had about fat people. There are people that will use depression as a defence but we should be openly talking about that too. What we shouldn't be doing is talking about it behind our friends back.

Or it could be weed - withdrawn and putting on weight.

- b

anncoates

CruelCoin wrote: »

Why does it bother you so much OP?

He likes to put the move on skinny boys.

BetterThanThou

If you suspect depression, I'd definitely ask him if there's anything wrong, if he says no, subtly remind him every now and then you're always there if he needs to talk, even if he rejects these offers, people suffering from depression often don't want to bother others with their problems or worry people no matter how much they actually want someone to talk to. ask him how he's feeling and such every now and then. As someone who suffers from depression, I can tell you, there's absolutely nothing which cheers me up more than knowing someone cares.

Wanderer2010

anncoates wrote: »

You're talking about the chap putting on some weight in the same fashion you would describe symptoms of a debilitating illness or outward signs of mental disorder.

I didnt mean it to come across like that. We all decided we would tackle him on it but it was left to me on the night coz the rest wussed out...and then I wussed out

Gran Hermano

Open a book in the pub, guess the weight of Dave's baby.
Inform him of the betting exercise and ask him for some insider info.

Shout Dust

zenno wrote: »

A friend of mine once said to me... you are turning into a fat bastard, but I already knew this and then decided to burn it off, it wasn't much but it took 3 months to get back to my ideal weight. Fair play to him, I owe him some gratitude, it worked.

It all depends on the person too I suppose, within my group of friends none of us are overweight but we'd have put on beer bellies out different times. Anyone who does would get a slagging and usually lose it again. I can't imagine saying it to someone very overweight though.

CruelCoin wrote: »

Why does it bother you so much OP?

His friend is gaining weight and is possibly depressed, most genuine friends would be concerned

Vito Corleone

Slip some lexapro in his tea.

Gran Hermano

Actually scrap all the joking, sounds like he already has enough on his plate.

zenno

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I didnt mean it to come across like that. We all decided we would tackle him on it but it was left to me on the night coz the rest wussed out...and then I wussed out

Maybe it's just me, but I have thick skin, and when my friend just came straight out with it and said i'm turning into a fat bastard I was a bit surprised but he doesn't ever hold back, he will just tell you the truth and it's up to you then to deal with it. I admire honesty like this instead of said friends holding back and afraid to tell me the truth.

Just don't take it to heart.

wazky

Gran Hermano wrote: »

Actually scrap all the joking, sounds like he already has enough on his plate.

Will you cop on to yourself, this is a weighty issue for the man.

Devil08

Next time you are in his house, replace his chocolate hob nobs with ryvita crackers. Every little helps, one step at a time.
Also, those weight loss tips that you get in your spam email folder, just forward them onto him

cassid

I would invite him to do an activity with you like the hill walking. Walking is good for the health but also the soul, he might open up to you over whats troubling him. He could be depressed but he could have health issues as well, blokes are not always great at sharing details. I would not directly mention the weight gain, I am sure he has noticed it himself and there is no need to make him feel worse about himself. You sound like a good friend to have.

uch

Hey, I'm Called Fat Uch, it doesn't bother me, if the Cap fits...... and all that

Sir Osis of Liver.

Maybe she can help https://www.google.ie/search?q=fat+fighters+little+britain&tbm=isch&source=iu&imgil=l629ekgWiQnqyM%253A%253Bhttps%253A%252F%252Fencrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com%252Fimages%253Fq%253Dtbn%253AANd9GcSFwRbH--oZ7TmQDmz6JFYQofMrPh8SRGIoGkndR72icQF9KGWs%253B396%253B222%253BqILVpBxDzNKstM%253Bhttp%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.bbc.co.uk%25252Fcomedy%25252Flittlebritain%25252Fcharacters%25252Fmarjorie.shtml&sa=X&ei=M2O_Uo-_IKWw7AbP8oGQCg&ved=0CEMQ9QEwAw&biw=1024&bih=673#facrc=_&imgdii=_&imgrc=l629ekgWiQnqyM%3A%3BqILVpBxDzNKstM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.bbc.co.uk%252Fcomedy%252Fimages%252F396x222%252Fmarjorie_dawes.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.bbc.co.uk%252Fcomedy%252Flittlebritain%252Fcharacters%252Fmarjorie.shtml%3B396%3B222

Wanderer2010

zenno wrote: »

Maybe it's just me, but I have thick skin, and when my friend just came straight out with it and said i'm turning into a fat bastard I was a bit surprised but he doesn't ever hold back, he will just tell you the truth and it's up to you then to deal with it. I admire honesty like this instead of said friends holding back and afraid to tell me the truth.

Just don't take it to heart.

Fair enough thats your own response but Im sure a lot of other overweight would be extremely offended at such a "fat bastard" joke..its hard to know.

Czarcasm

To be honest OP - no, it'll never be socially acceptable to point out to someone that they've gained weight, but I'll often say to myself to hell with what's socially acceptable, I care about my mates more than I care about what society thinks of me. So, if you can inquire about your mate in such a way that he can sense there's no malicious intent behind your questioning about his health and general well being, then I would say go for it, with the caveat that really it'd be very contextually dependent tbh.

For example I would be known to say to my mates "Geez you're after packing on a few pounds, what's the story?". My mates know I'm not trying to point anything out in a malicious way, because they know I'm asking out of serious and genuine concern, rather than just being a malicious cnut about it.

Don't go at him being all patronising about it, and hopefully if he sees he can actually talk to you about his weight, maybe he'll see that he can open up to you about whatever else is on his mind.

WilyCoyote

wazky wrote: »

Be delicate with the subject, something along the lines of "When was the last time you saw your feet John?" should suffice.

I think this could be put more intimately - especially as he is a good friend. "When is the last time you saw your lad, John?"

GoAheadCaller

Usually people who interfere and meddle in other peoples personal lives, particularly around issues like weight and appearance are generally insecure about something within themselves and need to find flaws in others to compensate for their own shortcomings. You started this thread about looking at someone elses life, but perhaps OP, the problem lies within your own life.

Czarcasm

GoAheadCaller wrote: »

Usually people who interfere and meddle in other peoples personal lives, particularly around issues like weight and appearance are generally insecure about something within themselves and need to find flaws in others to compensate for their own shortcomings. You started this thread about looking at someone elses life, but perhaps OP, the problem lies within your own life.

I don't know what kind of friends you've got, but none of my mates would be like that, and I'm not like that with them. We genuinely care about each other and each of us knows we can be honest with each other. I'm sure I and my friends aren't unique in this regard and it would take a woefully cynical person with some major chips on their shoulders to suggest that most people when they express genuine concern for their friends have some insecurity within themselves that they need to drag their friends down.

GoAheadCaller

Czarcasm wrote: »

I don't know what kind of friends you've got, but none of my mates would be like that, and I'm not like that with them. We genuinely care about each other and each of us knows we can be honest with each other. I'm sure I and my friends aren't unique in this regard and it would take a woefully cynical person with some major chips on their shoulders to suggest that most people when they express genuine concern for their friends have some insecurity within themselves that they need to drag their friends down.

No problem with friends looking out for each other etc, but with issues like weight and general appearance it just comes across as very "busybody" behavior meddling in other peoples business where it's not wanted. I don't think there's an overweight/obese person in the world who isn't aware of their weight problem and the health consequences of being overweight. They are bombarded with that message 24/7 from the media and imo the last thing they need is their own friends reminding them of it too.

zenno

I'd personally go about it a different way with a friend. I would just say hey, are you into joining the gym, I'm joining next week it would be cool to have some company. That might work. Keeping yourself and friend fit and healthy at the same time, it's an incentive for both.

SV

Some people don't realise how much they're gaining weight until they end up losing it or see pictures of themself compared to others. It's not like it's a quick process, it takes time and they see themselves every day.
I wish someone had have said it to me that I was a fat mess well before I started to sort myself out. It would have hurt but hey, tough love.

Addle

When is it not acceptable to be honest with your friends/anyone?

Just because someone is fat, doesn't mean they're entitled to be offended by the truth.

I'm fat. If anything, it's awkward when so called friends pussyfoot about the fat situation.

Femme_Fatale

Was it ever acceptable to be brutally honest with friends all the time or something?

If someone is made to feel self conscious about their weight (whether they're told they're putting on weight, or getting too thin) that's how they feel - it's not a choice.

WilyCoyote

Old Yesterday, 23:07 #96
WilyCoyote
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BMI of 32.2 and feel great. Put on about 5 lbs over the Christmas. Am healthy, do an energetic job, don't smoke (but I enjoy secondary smoke ) and drink plenty red wine.
Good God, I'm still alive!

Could I be getting anorexic. Everytime I look in the mirror I see a fat person

Sinfonia

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

Why make someone else's weight gain your concern at all unless it directly affects you negatively?

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

Was it ever acceptable to be brutally honest with friends all the time or something?

If someone is made to feel self conscious about their weight (whether they're told they're putting on weight, or getting too thin) that's how they feel - it's not a choice.

What?
If any of my friends had any kind of health issue I'd ask if they wanted help, and I'd hope they'd do the same for me.

WilyCoyote

Sinfonia wrote: »

What?
If any of my friends had any kind of health issue I'd ask if they wanted help, and I'd hope they'd do the same for me.

Some less inhibited persons may call you an interfering bint ....... but not me.

Addle

Sinfonia wrote: »

What?
If any of my friends had any kind of health issue I'd ask if they wanted help, and I'd hope they'd do the same for me.

I read the opposite that you did out of the message you replied to.

Czarcasm

GoAheadCaller wrote: »

No problem with friends looking out for each other etc, but with issues like weight and general appearance it just comes across as very "busybody" behavior meddling in other peoples business where it's not wanted. I don't think there's an overweight/obese person in the world who isn't aware of their weight problem and the health consequences of being overweight. They are bombarded with that message 24/7 from the media and imo the last thing they need is their own friends reminding them of it too.

Y'know what the difference is between your mates and the media? Your mates aren't trying to sell you shìt, your mates actually care about you as a person. The media is trying to sell you shìt, the media needs you to feel shìt about yourself so they can sell you more shìt to make you feel better. Most people when they care about their mates they want to keep them around for another while and so it's not just being a busybody or meddling in other people's business where it's not wanted.

I don't like it when my wife points out that I'm getting a belly, but I'd rather she be honest with me so I can do something about it, because often times I'm not thinking about these things, and I should be because for medical reasons I really do need to keep my weight down. I know she's not saying it to be malicious or a busybody or interfering in my business. She's saying it because she gives a shìt about me as a person.

Of course the same can't be said for everybody and of course people can be sensitive about their appearance or their weight, etc, but for those closest to me, I do want them to feel and look their best, because when a person looks good, they feel good, and who wouldn't want their mates to feel good about themselves?

AerynSun

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

... I wasnt going to come right out and say "You are fat, sort it out", more like "If you want to join my gym or start hillwalking with me you are more than welcome and it might help you shed the weight", but I couldnt say the words, it just dawned on me that there is just no way to say that to another human being without being an offensive and horrible cnut..

I'm an overweight person, and if I was your friend I would be wondering why you need me to "sort it out". If I'm okay with being overweight, what's in it for you to not be okay with it? Why is the size of my butt an issue for you?

If your interest is coming from a place of genuine care and concern for me and for my happiness and wellbeing, then I would encourage you to think carefully about your choice of words - because words betray attitudes, and from some of the words you're using, it seems like you have a pretty judgmental attitude towards us fat people

"You're a cnut, sort it out".

Seriously though, it does mean a lot to know that you care about your friend... and I'm sure your friend would appreciate your genuine encouragement and support, once you've sorted through your own head about what it is you're hoping to offer your friend when you challenge him/her.

Addle

AerynSun wrote: »

If I'm okay with being overweight,...

Is anyone really ok with being overweight?
I don't think so.

SV

Addle wrote: »

Is anyone really ok with being overweight?
I don't think so.

Me either. I think it's peddled out by people who are too lazy to change it so they pretend they don't care

Vito Corleone

I'd say a few people could be comfortable with being overweight.

Czarcasm

Addle wrote: »

Is anyone really ok with being overweight?
I don't think so.

SV wrote: »

Me either. I think it's peddled out by people who are too lazy to change it so they pretend they don't care

Lads ye'd want to get out of the gym more, there are plenty of people who are not just ok with being overweight, but are quite happy to be overweight.