Separate rooms at parents for Christmas? He's furious

LegacyUser

Hi there, with current partner 2.5 years usual ups and downs. We recently made plans to move to his home country as he got a better opportunity there. He is already over there the past 3months which has put a bit of a strain on things for me on my own here but it's fine.

He's coming over for Christmas and we'll be staying with my parents for two of the nights he'll be here and in a hotel for the remainder. My mother is making a big deal over the fact we're not married and wants him to sleep in the guest room. Yes, it's her house , she has a right to a say in what goes on, but my dad protested to my mother and said it's mad carry on to have us in separate rooms. However when I told my partner he was furious with it. He's in his 30s and doesn't take kindly to being treated like we're a couple of teenagers. He said this reaction by my mother is a bit radical and he would like to know why.

My family has had its dramas, and issues, my sister killed herself a few years ago because of severe depression and my brother has been a manic depressive ever since. Things are not easy and he is telling me the amount of drama he's been listening to with that and other family problems I go through is really taking its toll with the amount he has to listen to. He said this really is not a welcoming feeling he's getting as regards christmas and is now not looking forward to coming over.

How am I meant to fix this? Has anyone here experienced similar?

m r c

In situations like this I tend to look to the one throwing the rattle out of the cot to find the trouble maker.
In this scenario you have your mum saying that in her house it's inappropriate for her unmarried daughter to share a bed with her o/h of 2.5 years.
Then your o/h feels hurt or rejected etc

Although I wouldn't nessessarily agree with your mum I can see her pov a lot easier than your o/h's.
To my mind if you are going to be someone's guest you shouldn't be dictating to your host, the fact that they are willing to accept him in their home over Christmas needs not to be lost on him and sometimes arguing something is childish is in fact more childish than the initial act.
Fwiw I think he needs to cop on and enjoy your company.

Neyite

He may not be used to the typical Irish mammy. Its a culture thing, and probably a pretty common problem young couples experience. I know that my older siblings had the separate rooms at the mammy, despite living together for years, once notably the week before and right up to the second last night before the wedding.

By the time she got to me, the Church scandals had shocked her and she stopped going to mass or trying to force her beliefs on us. And I got to share a room with my partner.

Look, depending on the mammy, it may never end. I'm 38, Partner 39 and when we announced our pregnancy, the MIL cried. And not with joy. She tried briefly to persuade us to get married smuggled into the church under the cloak of darkenss to hide our shame before the baby arrived. Then we got engaged recently and she threw a fit because we were considering a civil ceremony. She also made a bizarre point of saying that I "should get a cheap simple dress, nothing fancy for you" which I wondered was because she thought that having a baby first meant I cant look bridal or something. Wait till she hears that we want another baby first before any wedding, and furthermore, if we have a church ceremony it'll not include a mass, just the marital rite. :P

Anyway, I've let her off. I think your partner should too. Why bother with MORE drama if he hates it so much?

There are 3 options here:
1. book the hotel for a further 2 nights and just stay there, visiting during the day.
2. Go and stay in separate rooms and laugh about your mothers funny ways.
3. Go and insist on sharing a room, making her unhappy and have it forever known as the Time Christmas was Ruined. (this really is the worst option- would not recommend it at all)

ivytwine

I think he needs to suck it up for a few nights.

He must know that some people are more conservative than others.

I think it's ridiculous myself and would hope my mother wouldn't do that to a partner of 2.5 years, but it is her house, her rules, and at the end of the day, it's only for a very brief period of time. Surely he can manage a few nights apart from you?!!

I think he needs to cop on here.

homemadecider

Book a hotel near your parents' house and stay there. Explain why you are doing this to your mother and make her understand it is YOUR decision, otherwise she might give the evil eyes to your OH during the visit.

Best of luck btw, sounds like a nightmare to have to deal with.

Meauldsegosha

It's ironic really that your boyfriend is moaning about being treated like a teenager but then acts like one who is in a strop. Your mother doesn't have to explain to him why she has these views he just just respect her and her house rules. He is also showing a lack of respect to you when he mentions the problems your siblings have.

Your boyfriend needs to cop himself on.

Neyite

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

It's ironic really that your boyfriend is moaning about being treated like a teenager but then acts like one who is in a strop. Your mother doesn't have to explain to him why she has these views he just just respect her and her house rules. He is also showing a lack of respect to you when he mentions the problems your siblings have.

Your boyfriend needs to cop himself on.

Actually thats an excellent point. He is acting like a teenager here and showing an utter lack of respect to you considering the hard knocks your family have had recently.
Ask him this. If your mother had a no-shoes-in-the-house rule, would he stomp in with muddy spogs and put them up on her coffee table? If she said that dinner is at 6 would he throw a wobbler because where he is from dinner gets eaten at 8? If she said that she doesnt like loud music late at night, would he insist on playing ACDC at 3am?

Of course not. He would, hopefully should be, a polite guest obeying the house rules. This is all it is. Its not an attack on his maturity, or his masculinity.

CaraMay

He is out of order and being quite selfish.

Chucky the tree

Dump him. Considering your family history it's a huge warning sign that he's throwing such a strop over having to sleep in a spare room. Giving out about how much drama your family cause is just the icing on the cake. He sounds like c*nt tbh.

seb65

One of the main purposes of partners is to listen to our family problems.

Two days sleeping in a separate room never killed anyone.

No partner of mine ever objected to being in a different room. Likewise, I did not have a problem with separate rooms in their family homes.

I took this as a sign that they respected my family, as I did theirs.

Your partner needs to suck it up.

December2012

He doesn't live here?

He will be in your family house for a whole 2 days?

Your sister killed herself and your brother is a manic depressive and he is complaining TO YOU about your family's problems?

And he wants to feel welcomed yet won't respect your mothers wishes without being dramatic?

Something doesn't sound right to me about any of that.

He sounds like a spoilt brat.

All you can do is tell him that he is making an already difficult time for you more difficult. He would probably expect you to respect his family and therefore should afford your family the same treatment. And he should do it because he loves you,

Neeson

Can you not arrange to sneak into each other during the night or else have a shower together?

clairefontaine

Dump him.

He may not like the arrangements, but he has to respect your parents and their home.

He should stand up, click his heels and salute.

mr_edge_to_you

Nothing unusual about those arrangements. In my case it changed when we got engaged which was a bit mad. Anyway, it was the same with both sets of parents.

One parent wasn't comfortable minding our baby until she was christened.

There's nothing unreasonable or unusual about your mams request. I can imagine Christmas being a hard enough time for her (and you all of course), the last thing that's needed is additional stress between your mam and dad. Its only 2 nights!!!

Anyway, if you've got a boyfriend who's whinging about listening to your problems and worries, you should have more concerns than sleeping in separate rooms for 2 nights.

ivytwine

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Dump him. Considering your family history it's a huge warning sign that he's throwing such a strop over having to sleep in a spare room. Giving out about how much drama your family cause is just the icing on the cake. He sounds like c*nt tbh.

Actually I missed that the first time I read the OP.

I am very sorry to hear about your sister, and it must be very difficult for you especially with your brother's problems too.

So let me get this straight. You, as a family, have been through more than your fair share of heartbreak and pain, and your mother asks him to respect her boundaries for a couple of days (whether any of us agree or not, it is her house, her boundaries) and this pup throws his toys out of the pram and moans that he's had to listen to too much depressing stuff from you? (God forbid he might realise that life is not all about him).

I am usually very hesitant to say 'dump him' because these are real relationships, but I think you need to have a think about this guy. If he gives out that he's hearing too much about your family situation, is he really the kind of guy you want around in bad times?

Merkin

He is behaving appallingly.

Firstly, good manners dictate when someone is putting you up in their home. Their house, their rules so if that's sleeping in separate rooms or what have you then that is simply what you do. It would be like staying in a Muslim's house and throwing a strop because you weren't going to get sausages and rashers for breakfast. I can understand why he wants to spend every night with you but two nights isn't going to make a difference. If it is then book into a local hotel but that really shouldn't be necessary. It's a small request and one that should be complied with graciously. This does not bode well.

Secondly, I'd be deeply disturbed by him bringing up the trauma your family has been through. How spiteful and unnecessary. What has that got to do with anything? It sounds like he is quite angry and resentful and I'd want to know exactly what he meant by that comment, it's cruel and insensitive and I'd be demanding an explanation.

stargazer 68

I would agree with others - tough luck on him sleeping in separate rooms. If he doesn't like it then he can book a hotel for the 2 of you for the couple of nights.

However:

ivytwine wrote: »

and this pup throws his toys out of the pram and moans that he's had to listen to too much depressing stuff from you? (God forbid he might realise that life is not all about him).

Going to play devils advocate here. Has he said this once or regularly?? Reason I ask is that quite often I would like to tell my partner to belt up - I don't need to constantly hear about his problems. Yes I know its a partners job to listen etc and I do however sometimes I would like to speak!

Your partner may have stuff going on too but can't talk about it to you if it will add to your problems. Remember he has moved away from you and is living alone. You have said it has put a strain on you so Im sure it has put a strain on him too. He is looking forward to Christmas with you and your family and now feels unwelcome or so he thinks.

Neyite

It might be a wake up call OP.

When we choose our life partner, it should be someone who has your back. Who you can lean on and depend on in traumatic times. For 6 years I used my days off work and annual leave to care for an elderly relative. Every single time I went back home I cried on my partners shoulder because the dementia was stealing someone I dearly loved brain cell by brain cell. When the death finally came, I cried more. Not once did he get fed up being my person. That person I lean on.

We have had other losses, and hard times and leaned on each other. And you need someone who, while they may never understand your pain, will sit and hold your hand. Think carefully about whether he is the supportive, caring partner you deserve in life.

The Muslim analogy that Merkin suggested is a good one.I'd use that with him to discuss it. All this situation is, is an ingrained religious thing. Your mum might not even be personally religious, but our customs and what we feel comfortable with morally is influenced by our exposure to religion far more than we realise. She may not see it as anything more than the "right" thing to do and the way that she was brought up (in far more religiously influential times) and he should try to see it from her point of view.

heretochat

It is your mother's house and she is entitled to enforce the rules that she feels comfortable with..

If he is having a hissy fit over it that is his problem. As one of the other posters said, maybe you should be taking note of his reaction..

I agree he is throwing his toys out of the pram and if he has any consideration for you he will suck it up and give your parents the respect they deserve in their own house.

Sleepy

It doesn't sound like a strop to me really. Visiting somewhere that you're going to be treated like a teenager doesn't sound like much fun to me and, as a thirty-something I don't think I'd want to spend Christmas that way either. It sounds like he was hoping to be welcomed into the family home rather than treated as a child and is disappointed that your mother would rather play at silly pretenses than to treat him as an adult and get to know him.

I'd suggest going with the option of extending the hotel stay to cover the nights you'd planned on staying with your parents tbh.

Emme

clairefontaine wrote: »

He should stand up, click his heels and salute.

This could be the root of the problem

I dated a guy from a continental European country some years ago and he found it difficult to understand why Irish people are so connected to their families and why family problems affect all family members in Ireland. I find people from Latin countries understand Irish family issues better.

OP, I can see your boyfriend's point of view but he's being a bit pigheaded. He should be more tactful and considerate of what your family went through. Instead of moaning about sleeping in a separate room he should suck it up and you can always sneak into him during the night.

I don't know about dumping him, but this issue might have raised some cultural differences between you two which might make things difficult in the future. Naturally you want to be there for your family if there are problems, but he might not understand this.

Ask him nicely if he'll go along with the arrangement and let him know you will sneak into him during the night. He should be happy with that and if he doesn't see the fun in it I would be seriously worried.

Another thing, the foreign guy I dated "reverted to type" whenever he visited home. In other words he fulfilled some of the unfortunate stereotypes about his country. I'm not saying your OH is "reverting to type", I don't know where he is from or anything about him. However, some people can be more assertive on home soil. If you plan on moving to his country be very careful.

username123

People can dictate any rules they like in their own home.

and

You are perfectly entitled not to stay somewhere where you or your partner were made to feel uncomfortable.

Personally Id book a hotel and just say I preferred not to put extra work on mam and dad as houseguests.

Privately I would not appreciate being treated as a teenager or have someone impose their moral hypocritical standards on me. But I also wouldnt impose my standards on a host - so the sensible response is simply to stay elsewhere. But I wouldnt bother going into that with them.

There is no need to create more drama, although the current situation is probably reflective of why so much drama exists in the family. When you get one person who is being totally unreasonable despite protests from her husband - well, thats the kind of thing that leads to drama.

I just wouldnt engage on the drama level, stay elsewhere, go there in the daytime, have a pleasant day, then go back to the hotel later.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to find out if there is something more going on with him. He seems to be behaving pretty appallingly towards you, considering your family history. Is he unhappy in the relationship? If having to put up with your family problems is such a hassle for him, maybe he is having doubts?

Some people mightn't like being treated like a teenager in their 30s, but if they don't then they find alternatives. Staying in the hotel for the extra nights is one option.

If he wants to stay in your parents house, then it's up to him to respect the rules of your mother....

but from what you say, I think it is very obvious that he doesn't want to stay with your family, at all. This is just a good excuse.

Manco

I think his disregard for hearing about your family issues is the more serious issue here. It's completely selfish.

Frank Black

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Dump him.

clairefontaine wrote: »

Dump him.

ivytwine wrote: »

I am usually very hesitant to say 'dump him' because these are real relationships, but I think you need to have a think about this guy.

Neyite wrote: »

It might be a wake up call OP.

OP, I really hope you take most of this 'advice' with a pinch of salt. People advising you to dump you boyfriend based on a couple of paragraphs are quite simply mad. I always find this forum is full of bitter people advising women to dump their boyfriends/husbands.

Your bf needs to respect your mother's wishes in this case - it is her house and she is entitled to her views, even if they are ridiculous.
Explain this to him calmly.

Neeson wrote: »

Can you not arrange to sneak into each other during the night or else have a shower together?

helimachoptor

Op.. it could be worse, some of my friends are married and when they go to visit the respecitve in laws they have to sleep in seperate rooms.

One of the couples even have kids :eek:


Your BF needs to respect your mothers rules no matter how crazy they are

Balaclava1991

Idonotwanttolosehim wrote: »

Hi there, with current partner 2.5 years usual ups and downs. We recently made plans to move to his home country as he got a better opportunity there. He is already over there the past 3months which has put a bit of a strain on things for me on my own here but it's fine.

He's coming over for Christmas and we'll be staying with my parents for two of the nights he'll be here and in a hotel for the remainder. My mother is making a big deal over the fact we're not married and wants him to sleep in the guest room. Yes, it's her house , she has a right to a say in what goes on, but my dad protested to my mother and said it's mad carry on to have us in separate rooms. However when I told my partner he was furious with it. He's in his 30s and doesn't take kindly to being treated like we're a couple of teenagers. He said this reaction by my mother is a bit radical and he would like to know why.

My family has had its dramas, and issues, my sister killed herself a few years ago because of severe depression and my brother has been a manic depressive ever since. Things are not easy and he is telling me the amount of drama he's been listening to with that and other family problems I go through is really taking its toll with the amount he has to listen to. He said this really is not a welcoming feeling he's getting as regards christmas and is now not looking forward to coming over.

How am I meant to fix this? Has anyone here experienced similar?

He needs to grow up and cop himself on. What does he expect in an Irish household?

Your mother is presumably a conservative Catholic and traditional and set in her ways. It's her house and why should she have to change to suit your man?

This is Christmas and it is about harmony in the home during the festive period so could he not button his lip, stop being silly and go along with things for tranquility sake?

username123

helimachoptor wrote: »

Your BF needs to respect your mothers rules no matter how crazy they are

You see I dont agree with this. I would not walk into someones home and insist I share a bed with someone, but I wouldnt go along with a crazy rule - Id just stay elsewhere.

I dont like enabling craziness.

helimachoptor

username123 wrote: »

You see I dont agree with this. I would not walk into someones home and insist I share a bed with someone, but I wouldnt go along with a crazy rule - Id just stay elsewhere.

I dont like enabling craziness.

Sorry i meant to say if he wants to stay there, if he doesnt agree with the rule then yes he can stay in a hotel

JaneeMack

When I first came over to Ireland to live with my boyfriend in his family house, we had to use separate rooms as well - for 6 months - until we got married. I didnt think that was strange at all. Obviously we were together when I moved into the house but it was just a rule in the house. In my culture, we would be expected to use separate rooms too and I think it was nice to respect the parents' wishes.

If he's uncomfortable using separate rooms, by all means, book a hotel room for him.

ElleEm

Idonotwanttolosehim wrote: »

My family has had its dramas, and issues, my sister killed herself a few years ago because of severe depression and my brother has been a manic depressive ever since. Things are not easy and he is telling me the amount of drama he's been listening to with that and other family problems I go through is really taking its toll with the amount he has to listen to.

I would completely agree with this!

Manco wrote: »

I think his disregard for hearing about your family issues is the more serious issue here. It's completely selfish.

He can kick up a fuss about being in separate rooms all he wants, some Irish mothers have their rules, and there is usually little deviation from them. In my house, it is my dad who wouldn't be happy if myself and my partner of 7 years slept in the same room/ bed!

But the fact that he seems to be unsupportive of your families problems would speak volumes to me. This is the bigger problem, and something you really need to have a serious chat about.

Neeson wrote: »

Can you not arrange to sneak into each other during the night or else have a shower together?

Two nights in separate rooms will hardly kill them!