Deleting someone from Facebook.

Monkey09

Hi everyone,
I am looking for some advice regarding someone who I once considered to be one of my closest friends.

Roughly 3 years ago I became friends with another girl through friends. We really hit it off and seemed to have a lot in common.

To cut a long story short - in the last few months, our friendship seemed to dwindle, maybe grow apart if you like. I wasn't aware of any reason which would have caused this. This really upset me as I considered her to be one of my closest friends.

I wanted to try to fix things and sent her several text messages and Facebook messages asking her to call over to mine for a chat when she can. She responded to my messages but never came over to visit. I even rang her once in tears asking why she had never called over, and if she is avoiding me for some reason - she assured me that she wasn't. I assumed that she would visit over the coming days as a result of this conversation, but still, nothing!

Anyway, I believed that I had made every effort with her and that I didn't want to be contact with her anymore and I deleted her from Facebook earlier this week as I just wanted to move on from the whole thing - I just deleted her, but didn't want to block her. I received a Facebook message from a mutual friend to ask why (on the other girl's request) and I told her that we are clearly not friends in real life so what's the point in being friends on Facebook..

I have no idea now if I did the right thing or not. I have never deleted anyone from Facebook before so I'm wondering now if I acted unfairly towards her. I was just so tired of make all the effort with someone who wouldn't meet me half way.

I logged onto Facebook this morning and this person has blocked me.

I feel absolutely terrible and am wondering if I should have gone about things in a different way or tried something else to reach out to her.

I would really appreciate any advice on this.

Thanks very much in advance.

Stavro Mueller

Monkey09 wrote: »

I wanted to try to fix things and sent her several text messages and Facebook messages asking her to call over to mine for a chat when she can. She responded to my messages but never came over to visit. I even rang her once in tears asking why she had never called over, and if she is avoiding me for some reason - she assured me that she wasn't. I assumed that she would visit over the coming days as a result of this conversation, but still, nothing!

This paragraph tells you everything you need to know about this. Well, apart from the bit where she said she wasn't avoiding you. That was a lie but then again does anyone ever admit that they're trying to avoid someone to their face?

On the other hands, the tears on the phone does come across as somewhat needy. Maybe (and this is only surmising here) you are a bit draining to be with and that's what scared her off.

Don't beat yourself up about deleting her from Facebook. The bridge is burned now. I doubt your former friend's thinking much about what happened.

Big Bag of Chips

You say you've never deleted anyone from Facebook before.. so I take it that means you have lots and lots of friends on there who you don't see too often? Probably some people who are little more than acquaintances to you? Yet you singled her out for deletion.

People shouldn't take Facebook too seriously - but unfortunately plenty do. You made a statement by deleting her, so now she has made a statement by blocking you. Some people are busy with their lives. Some friendships drift apart. You asked her to call over, and she didn't do it. How many times have people said "we really must meet up more often", and never did? Did you expect her to call to you, or did you suggest calling to her/meeting her for lunch in town somewhere?

I'd just let this one go now. Or if you felt that strongly about it, you could ring/text/email her (I doubt Facebook is your only point of contact) and tell her you were just annoyed and deleted her. But honestly, I think your friendship will never get back to what it was. So you need to decide, do you want to make contact, and continue with less of a friendship than you already had - or do you just let this one go?

Mod Note: I have locked your other thread in Relationship Issues, as opening multiple threads in a short space of time is against the rules of the forum.

Monkey09

cymbaline wrote: »

This paragraph tells you everything you need to know about this. Well, apart from the bit where she said she wasn't avoiding you. That was a lie but then again does anyone ever admit that they're trying to avoid someone to their face?

On the other hands, the tears on the phone does come across as somewhat needy. Maybe (and this is only surmising here) you are a bit draining to be with and that's what scared her off.

Don't beat yourself up about deleting her from Facebook. The bridge is burned now. I doubt your former friend's thinking much about what happened.

Thanks very much cymbaline. I agree with you that the tears on the phone was a bit needy. I didn't intend to get to upset talking to her on the phone. I think just talking through everything just brought my feelings to the surface and I couldn't stop it. I was dealing with the loss of one of my best friends. I am not usually such an emotional person though and don't usually show emotion to other but for some reason, this was an exception.

Monkey09

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You say you've never deleted anyone from Facebook before.. so I take it that means you have lots and lots of friends on there who you don't see too often? Probably some people who are little more than acquaintances to you? Yet you singled her out for deletion.

People shouldn't take Facebook too seriously - but unfortunately plenty do. You made a statement by deleting her, so now she has made a statement by blocking you. Some people are busy with their lives. Some friendships drift apart. You asked her to call over, and she didn't do it. How many times have people said "we really must meet up more often", and never did? Did you expect her to call to you, or did you suggest calling to her/meeting her for lunch in town somewhere?

I'd just let this one go now. Or if you felt that strongly about it, you could ring/text/email her (I doubt Facebook is your only point of contact) and tell her you were just annoyed and deleted her. But honestly, I think your friendship will never get back to what it was. So you need to decide, do you want to make contact, and continue with less of a friendship than you already had - or do you just let this one go?

Mod Note: I have locked your other thread in Relationship Issues, as opening multiple threads in a short space of time is against the rules of the forum.

Thanks for your reply Big Bag of Chips. To be honest, I didn't have a Facebook profile up until about 2 years ago so I was somewhat of a late starter. I only have about 100 friends on it - a lot of them are family members. I don't use Facebook an awful lot and would probably only log on about twice a week usually. I deleted her as I would find it upsetting to see messages/posts from her given what had happened between us and I just wanted to move on and I felt seeing things from her on Facebook would make that more difficult.

I made every suggestion in my attempts to resolve things between us - meeting for lunch, coffee, going for a walk together over the weekend. We only live 5 minutes away from each other so I never really suggested if it would be possible to meet up in town. I realize that some people just drift apart and are busy with life in general but we were the best of friends and that seemed to end over-night for no reason.

You are right that the friendship is never going to be what it was. Although I think it is the case that we went from being best friends to not being friends at all. I seemed to be the one doing all the running. She would respond, but really only to just fob me off. And that hurt. I considered her one of my best friends. We had helped each other through some very tough times in our lives and really got along well together. I was sad to see all of that dissolve, but I suppose that's how life is.

To be honest, I didn't think she's even notice that I deleted her from my contacts and I never had any intention to cause any hurt to her. I just wanted to move on with my own life. I am upset at the thought that my actions have impacted on her. I don't really regret deleting her, but I'm thinking that maybe I could have handled things better. Maybe I could have called her one last time to try to organize a meeting and if nothing came from that (which I'm sure it wouldn't), maybe I should have sent her an email to explain that I was sorry that we no longer seemed to be friends, and that in order to move on, we should probably remove each other from contact lists on Facebook. I'm just so confused over the whole situation.

Big Bag of Chips

Monkey09 wrote: »

maybe I should have sent her an email to explain that I was sorry that we no longer seemed to be friends, and that in order to move on, we should probably remove each other from contact lists on Facebook. I'm just so confused over the whole situation.

I think that would have been a bit of overkill to be honest. Sometimes people drift apart, it does happen. And often people make a conscious effort, not to make the effort anymore, if you know what I mean. Rarely, very very rarely do people have the big "I suppose we're not friends anymore and should just move on" chat. People just generally move on without making a statement about it.

Monkey09

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think that would have been a bit of overkill to be honest. Sometimes people drift apart, it does happen. And often people make a conscious effort, not to make the effort anymore, if you know what I mean. Rarely, very very rarely do people have the big "I suppose we're not friends anymore and should just move on" chat. People just generally move on without making a statement about it.

Even when the person was your best friend?

Big Bag of Chips

Monkey09 wrote: »

Even when the person was your best friend?

Yes - I think so.

I think of someone was your best friend, then you make an effort to maintain the friendship, obviously. But if only one of you is making the effort, then I think you let it go.

There is nothing to be gained from sending an email saying you are

sorry that we no longer seemed to be friends, and that in order to move on, we should probably remove each other from contact lists on Facebook

Just move on, without announcing you are moving on. I think sending an email like that would be just a very passive aggressive way of trying to make the person realise that they were losing you as a friend. And it's not really likely that someone who has drifted from you or already moved on would do a u-turn and come back to being your best friend, regularly meeting up again.

freshpopcorn

People make friend at school/college/work/hobbies/clubs/mutual friends. Sometimes these relationships grow and last a long time and sometimes they fizzle out because ye're lives move on/change. It's not that they don't want to be friends with you or dislike you. It's just the circumstances aren't right.
I had a really good friend in primary school in the early 2000's and we hardly ever see each other now. (Have only seen him once in the last four years). If we did bump into one another we would have a chat about how we're getting on . We are friends on facebook but we never use it to communicate. We would consider each other friends tough but the friendship we had changed.

Stavro Mueller

To me, it looks like this friendship had fizzled out quite a while ago. It just took longer for the penny to drop with you. You may have considered this girl to be your best friend but she clearly didn't agree.

What you're thinking about is a way to guilt her back into being your friend again. Or the passive aggressive thing Big Bag of Chips has mentioned. Neither is a good idea in my opinion. My feeling about friendships is that they should never be forced. If someone wants to be your friend they will make an effort to stay in touch. For some people that means very regular contact, for others it's something less frequent. I think people tend to instinctively know when they're being phased out. I think you sensed it too and that's why you got so upset. You knew your friend was slipping away.

Instead of beating yourself up about this, you should try to look at the issue in another way. Clap yourself on the back for taking ownership of the situation and putting this friendship out of its misery. Who cares what your former friend thinks? She's the one who chose to fob you off, avoid you etc. You're above all that.

Mint Aero

It's so funny when people treat facebook so seriously :rolleyes: chillout OP, you did nothing wrong.

Monkey09

Hi everyone,
OP here, I just wanted to say thanks very much for all the replies. Your messages really have given me a lot more perspective on the situation. I really appreciate all the advice.

One thing that struck me from the posts was that friendships evolve and it's important to just go with the flow and accept that that's how life is. All and all, I would agree with this. However, I realise now that I should have given more backround to our friendship in my original post and I omitted a lot of information in order to cut to the point.

Another important element to this story is that I am also acting as a carer to my friend's elderly parents (aged 77 and 82, and one who suffers badly from dementia). I was approached by my friend roughly a year ago and she suggested the idea that her family required someone to sleep in the house at night to ensure there were no problems during the night. In return for this, I would pay no rent. As I wanted to move to the City and this person was a very good friend of mine who needed help, I agreed. The arrangement quickly changed and I became responsible for all the cooking, cleaning and laundry (as there were no other provisions put in place to do these tasks). All this was in addition to my own job. I find the situation very stressful and ultimately, unsustainable. My attempts to contact her over the last few months were also attempts to discuss the situation in the hopes that she might offer help/support. Instead, I felt as if she was avoiding me completely (despite being aware of everything I was doing). I just feel like crap to be honest. Deleting her from Facebook was very much a last resort and the whole feelings of being taken advantage of by a friend really started to get under my skin. I expected more from her, given that we were such good friends and secondly, because of the assistance I was giving to her and her family.

Does this information change the advice that any of you have given or should I just accept that that's how our friendship has evolved?

Thanks again everyone.

amtc

Oh of course it does! Why did you not add that in the first place?! Surely your friend is in contact with the parents, so isn't that a route?

For context, I haven't heard from someone who would've been my best friend since 1990 since April of this year, despite sending birthday cards, texts and emails...I have no idea why. We last saw each other at a friend's 40th (to which he brought a card and present) and mine was the next day (no contact), and his a few weeks later (I sent a card). There was no big incident, so I just had to accept that it didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. Wasn't easy though. Gradually our contact's been going down and down since he had children (which is to expected), but it's majorly out of character, so at first I was genuinely concerned. We have a mutual friend who also has heard nothing. Birthdays were always a standing joke between us, as we used to vie to see who could contact each other earlier - but nothing this year from him. I can't figure it out, an I miss the guy who I genuinely thought of as my brother. But as my mam said, nothing's funnier than folk.

Matteroffact

It certainly does change everything. This so called friend is making sure that you look after her parents while she does nothing and she doesn't even have the manners to keep in touch with you. I find this appalling. Why are you not bumping into her when she calls over to see her parents? I don't blame you resorting to tears with her. I think you need to call to her and explain that she needs to put something in place for her parents as you cannot continue to be the sole carer in that house. It is hard to believe that she is not keeping in touch with you to enquire how her parents are getting on. Does she have any other siblings that you could contact in order to discuss this situation ?

Big Bag of Chips

You mentioned in a previous post that you emmigrated, and are still away. Due home for Christmas. So is this person a friend you have abroad, or is she a friend from home? I suppose not that it makes a huge amount of difference, but if she is someone you met when you moved, and not a childhood friend if years, then maybe she never saw the friendship in the same light as you did? You are abroad and needed to make friends. She is "at home" and has the friends and support structures already in place.. you were just an added person into that mix. So you probably depended on her for friendship more than she depended on you.

Either way, and even considering you care for her parents, you cannot force someone or guilt someone into being your friend... And would you really want to anyway? If she's not hanging around with you because that is what she really really wants, then the friendship isn't genuine.

I think you need move on. And if caring for her parents is causing you too much stress and hassle, then you need to move out. It's nice to be nice, but it's not nice to he taken advantage of.

Stavro Mueller

The extra information you dropped in at a late stage certainly does change things a lot. What you have here is a so called friend who pulled a fast one and knows it. Why wouldn't she avoid you as much as she can? She knows an awkward conversation about what you've ended up having to do for her parents is going to happen if she spends much time with you. Especially if she calls over to her parents home while you're there. Things are working brilliantly as far as she's concerned. It's not hitting her in the pocket to have you living rent free in the parent's house. From a financial point of view you're saving her and any siblings she may have an absolute fortune. Does she ever call over to visit her parents? Or does she do it when you're at work?

You do realise that you're going to have to move out now. It was going to happen anyway but that deleting from Facebook thing has accelerated matters. If she has any siblings the best thing would be to let them know that you're leaving. If not then unfortunately you're going to have to ring her and tell her the same thing. You have put yourself on the back foot by deleting her but you can't do anything about it now. And if she ignores the call, text or email to say you're moving out on a certain date.

If she was the good friend you believed she was, she'd not have behaved in this fashion. She took advantage of your good nature and that's something no true friend does.

Monkey09

amtc wrote: »

Oh of course it does! Why did you not add that in the first place?! Surely your friend is in contact with the parents, so isn't that a route?

Matteroffact wrote: »

It certainly does change everything. This so called friend is making sure that you look after her parents while she does nothing and she doesn't even have the manners to keep in touch with you. I find this appalling. Why are you not bumping into her when she calls over to see her parents? I don't blame you resorting to tears with her. I think you need to call to her and explain that she needs to put something in place for her parents as you cannot continue to be the sole carer in that house. It is hard to believe that she is not keeping in touch with you to enquire how her parents are getting on. Does she have any other siblings that you could contact in order to discuss this situation ?

cymbaline wrote: »

The extra information you dropped in at a late stage certainly does change things a lot. What you have here is a so called friend who pulled a fast one and knows it. Why wouldn't she avoid you as much as she can? She knows an awkward conversation about what you've ended up having to do for her parents is going to happen if she spends much time with you. Especially if she calls over to her parents home while you're there. Things are working brilliantly as far as she's concerned. It's not hitting her in the pocket to have you living rent free in the parent's house. From a financial point of view you're saving her and any siblings she may have an absolute fortune. Does she ever call over to visit her parents? Or does she do it when you're at work?

If she was the good friend you believed she was, she'd not have behaved in this fashion. She took advantage of your good nature and that's something no true friend does.

Thanks again for all the replies and apologies that I didn't give the full story in my initial post - I presumed that the main issue was the relationship between myself and my friend and how that had changed. I didn't think to mention that I am doing a huge amount to help her and her family as I believe it's normal to help friends if one can, without expecting anything in return. I realize now that I should have mentioned it and it was an important aspect to the full story and wider picture.

To answer your question - my friend doesn't seem to bother too much with her parents or the care that they require. She visits her parents house about once a month for around 10-15 minutes (and this is always before I get home from work). She never even calls them on the phone for a chat (while I'm around anyway). She comes from a family of 5, but most of the day-to-day care is done by me and I get a very small amount of assistance from 2 of the family members (taking them to medical appointments as I am in work during the day and unable to do this.)

Over the last few months, there were 2 occasions where I got completely stressed out and felt like I couldn't cope with the situation. I called one of my friends siblings to discuss the situation and to inform them that I couldn't continue without help/support. In fairness, this person understood and acknowledged that I was right that I needed more help. He informed me that he would discuss our conversation with his brothers and sisters and make them aware of the issues. He did this, but none of them ever referred to the conversation - they continued on as if nothing had happened.

To be honest, I didn't expect much from the rest of the family but I expected that my friend in particular would be there for me, but she wasn't. I do feel taken advantage of by her more so than the other members of the family. She was the one I had a close relationship with before I moved in with her parents, and I thought that would stand and even grow stronger as a result of all I was doing to help her family.

I feel terrible over deleting her from Facebook. I was just at my wits end and felt like I had made every possible attempt to reach out to her and they were my reason for doing so. I just wanted the vicious circle to end. I am wondering if I was very wrong to have done this, despite that this person pulled a bit of a fast one on me. If I was wrong, I would have no issue apologising and doing everything I can to try to go back on my actions, but I don't know if at the end of the day, I was right to send out a very strong message to her.

Meauldsegosha

To be honest OP I think you need to get your head out of the clouds. You're feeling guilty for deleting her on Facebook when it is obvious that her and her family are using you as an unpaid carer for their parents. They are walking all over you. It wouldn't surprise me if your "friend" saw you as an easy touch and thought here's a patsy we can get to move in and look after the parents.

jantheman91

I've deleted numerous people and they've deleted me. It really doesn't matter, life moves on.

In 20 years time this thread will be irrelevant, and if you happen to think back to this moment you'll curse yourself for wasting so much time on something so trivial.

You've enough worries already, without creating more!

Stavro Mueller

Monkey09 wrote: »

Thanks again for all the replies and apologies that I didn't give the full story in my initial post - I presumed that the main issue was the relationship between myself and my friend and how that had changed. I didn't think to mention that I am doing a huge amount to help her and her family as I believe it's normal to help friends if one can, without expecting anything in return. I realize now that I should have mentioned it and it was an important aspect to the full story and wider picture.

While this can be true, it doesn't mean that you should do this unquestioningly. There's a difference between helping a friend out and being taken for a ride. Sometimes you think you know a person, then they do something that changes your view of them. It's like you just can't accept that your friend is capable of pulling a stunt like this and that she might not be as nice a person as you thought she was. You need to learn where to draw the line between being nice and having your good nature taken advantage of.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, the way I read this (and your other threads) is that you are a very nice person. And because you are nice you have an expectation that everyone else is equally as nice. But I think as well as being nice, you are incredibly naive. I'm not sure how old you are, but I get the impression you're still quite young, and have had a "sheltered" enough life. When I say that, I mean you had a "nice" life (there's that word again!) where things were always dealt with for you and you've never had to deal with people who might take advantage of you.

This girl, and her family have taken advantage of you. You needed her as a friend, more than she needed you. Living with her parents, rent free while "helping out" seemed like a nice idea for you - whereas for them they had someone living with their parents.

Move on from this. Once you come home, this girl will not be in your life anymore. Learn from it, and realise that sometimes you are allowed be a bit selfish and say "No" if things aren't working out as you expected.

LegacyUser

OP, a carer earns about €12- €15 an hour, depending on the agency.

In a hospital an "overnight" carer (someone who just sits there in case the patient becomes distressed or confused) can earn up to €20 an hour, depending on the hospital.

You say that you do overnights in the home. Lets average it out at €15/h, 7 days a week. You are saving the family around €840 a week.

In addition to that, you are a housekeeper. Again, if it is 3 hrs a day, you are saving them hundreds more.

I have no idea how you think what you do = any kind of average rent.

I don't know if you are in Ireland or not, but no matter where you are, surely you must know the family are taking you for a total mug. There are 5 of them - this is ridiculous.

Regardless of your good intentions or your attachment to the parents, please try to value yourself more than you do at the moment. You are their servant, and they have no interest or incentive to help you out. You complain, they do NOTHING, and you just.....keep on going.

Your "friend" won't even have a coffee with you. It's ridiculous. i'm quite angry for you. They'd do more for a pet.

K_P

OP, this new element changes everything.

To be blunt, your "friend" is not a friend at all and you are being dreadfully exploited by her.

Please, PLEASE open your eyes to what's going on? You feel terrible for deleting her from Facebook, yet you're slaving away as an unpaid carer and housekeeper for her elderly and incapacitated parents for free. Would you treat any friend like this?

OP, your previous friendship with this girl and deleting her from Facebook is so far from the main problem here. You're mentally torturing yourself over some social networking etiquette, while you are in a situation not far off domestic slavery.

Inform the family you will be ending this arrangement as soon as possible, find yourself some accommodation and get your life back!

Monkey09

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, the way I read this (and your other threads) is that you are a very nice person. And because you are nice you have an expectation that everyone else is equally as nice. But I think as well as being nice, you are incredibly naive. I'm not sure how old you are, but I get the impression you're still quite young, and have had a "sheltered" enough life. When I say that, I mean you had a "nice" life (there's that word again!) where things were always dealt with for you and you've never had to deal with people who might take advantage of you.

This girl, and her family have taken advantage of you. You needed her as a friend, more than she needed you. Living with her parents, rent free while "helping out" seemed like a nice idea for you - whereas for them they had someone living with their parents.

Move on from this. Once you come home, this girl will not be in your life anymore. Learn from it, and realise that sometimes you are allowed be a bit selfish and say "No" if things aren't working out as you expected.

Big Bag of Chips - Sorry I didn't respond to your earlier post. To answer your questions. Yes - I am still young and you are correct that I have lived a sheltered life. I moved abroad after finishing college in order to broaden my horizons and get another experience. I realise that the situation is unfair on me and I have often felt a little angry about it and wanted to pack it all in but I think my problem is that I was raised to just keep my mouth shut and remain on good terms with people - as much as is possible. I am also a very self-conscious person so I worry a lot about how others perceive me. This means that I want to be "liked" by everyone. I don't think this is entirely a bad trait, but I know that there's a line and there's certain things that one shouldn't be prepared to just accept and therefore needs to run the risk of having others change their opinion of you.

Eyecedon wrote: »

OP, a carer earns about €12- €15 an hour, depending on the agency.

In a hospital an "overnight" carer (someone who just sits there in case the patient becomes distressed or confused) can earn up to €20 an hour, depending on the hospital.

You say that you do overnights in the home. Lets average it out at €15/h, 7 days a week. You are saving the family around €840 a week.

In addition to that, you are a housekeeper. Again, if it is 3 hrs a day, you are saving them hundreds more.

I have no idea how you think what you do = any kind of average rent.

I don't know if you are in Ireland or not, but no matter where you are, surely you must know the family are taking you for a total mug. There are 5 of them - this is ridiculous.

Regardless of your good intentions or your attachment to the parents, please try to value yourself more than you do at the moment. You are their servant, and they have no interest or incentive to help you out. You complain, they do NOTHING, and you just.....keep on going.

Your "friend" won't even have a coffee with you. It's ridiculous. i'm quite angry for you. They'd do more for a pet.

Thanks for all your input Eyecedon. I am aware of the high costs associated with home care. While I am doing overnights in the home - I am not required to stay up during the night. I sleep myself and I am just there in case their parents take a fall or anything during the night. Luckily in the 11 months that I've been here, there have been no issues during the night.

As I am living abroad and therefore needed somewhere to live - my friend suggested that this would be "a mutually beneficial arrangement" in that I would save on the high cost of rent. Although I clearly am doing far more than what would equate to a fair trade for rent - I have to be honest and say that the fact that I didn't have to pay rent was a huge help to me over the last few months. When you are working in low-paid employment, it is difficult to make ends meets so it was great that I was able to save the money that I would otherwise have had to spend on rent.

I don't want to paint my friend's family in an entirely bad way. Although they didn't provide me with much assistance with the care of their parents/running of the house - they did help me out with some things. For example, when I was learning to drive, 2 of them helped me to practice driving and drove me to some places I needed to get to before I obtained my license. On my birthday, they had a big celebration and gave me gifts.

All in all, the family were never rude or bad-mannered towards me. At the same time, they never put themselves in the way of me too much either. Obviously, I am most disappointed in my friend and I expected more from her, when I didn't really expect anything from her four siblings.

K_P wrote: »

OP, this new element changes everything.

To be blunt, your "friend" is not a friend at all and you are being dreadfully exploited by her.

Please, PLEASE open your eyes to what's going on? You feel terrible for deleting her from Facebook, yet you're slaving away as an unpaid carer and housekeeper for her elderly and incapacitated parents for free. Would you treat any friend like this?

OP, your previous friendship with this girl and deleting her from Facebook is so far from the main problem here. You're mentally torturing yourself over some social networking etiquette, while you are in a situation not far off domestic slavery.

Inform the family you will be ending this arrangement as soon as possible, find yourself some accommodation and get your life back!

Thanks for your reply K_P. For quite a while, I have began to reluctantly accept that my friend is not really a friend to me at all and I know that I have been taken advantage of.

I wouldn't really describe my situation as being close to domestic slavery as I can leave the house whenever I want. I do not have to stay in the house all the hours of the day. Although, I have to admit that after working in my day job and then coming home to another job - that I was often too tired to ever go out with friends and I would have to do a lot of work in the home on a Saturday so Sunday was the only day that I managed to find a few hours for myself.

Just to note, one of my friend's sisters often said to me that her and her family were grateful for all that I was doing to help them and that they didn't want or intend that I would be any kind of maid in the house.

All in all, I think the family never set out or intended to take advantage of me but that's how things turned out as time went on - when I moved in, their role diminished as they believed I had everything under control. I think that response/reaction is somewhat natural in people unfortunately.

I am returning to Ireland for good a few days before Christmas. I have informed the family of this, but I told them it was for my own reasons - missing home, family, friends. I believe that that's what is meant to be as I could never imagine making this country my home anyway. I had mentioned a number of times before to various family members that I find my situation in the home very difficult to manage, but as I said before - nothing changed so I feel like I have told them and if they do not want to listen, I shouldn't have to keep repeating the same thing. As was to be expected, the family were not too happy and are still trying to convince me to return in the New Year.

I contacted my friend by email yesterday to inform her that I would be leaving the country soon. I said that I was sorry that we didn't see eye to eye while I was here. I apologised for deleting her and said that I acted on impulse and I hope that she could forgive me. I said that it would be nice to see her before I leave as I would not be returning. She has not responded to the email yet anyway but who know what'll happen over the next few days.

K_P

Monkey09 wrote: »

Yes - I am still young and you are correct that I have lived a sheltered life. I moved abroad after finishing college in order to broaden my horizons and get another experience. I realise that the situation is unfair on me and I have often felt a little angry about it and wanted to pack it all in but I think my problem is that I was raised to just keep my mouth shut and remain on good terms with people - as much as is possible. I am also a very self-conscious person so I worry a lot about how others perceive me. This means that I want to be "liked" by everyone.

Hi OP,

I think this is something a lot of people can identify with. I know I was definitely a "people pleaser" in my younger days but as I've matured and grown in confidence I find myself less willing to put up with bad behaviour or bad treatment. You're right in that it's not always a bad trait and shows that you're a kind and considerate person. Unfortunatley not everyone in the world is like that and there are those who will take advantage of your obliging nature which I think is what has happened here. That's not a failing on your part but now is definitely the point at which you have to stand up for yourself.

Monkey09 wrote: »

All in all, the family were never rude or bad-mannered towards me. At the same time, they never put themselves in the way of me too much either.

Of course they weren't rude or bad-mannered to you. They knew they were onto a winner getting a free carer and maid so they weren't going to upset you. The other things that you mention - helping you with learning to drive and giving you gifts - while nice, should never be seen as adequate compensation for the hours and hours you put in essentially working a second full-time job to the point where you rarely had an hour to yourself

Monkey09 wrote: »

Just to note, one of my friend's sisters often said to me that her and her family were grateful for all that I was doing to help them and that they didn't want or intend that I would be any kind of maid in the house.

This is the kind of thing people say to absolve themselves of the guilt they feel when they know they're treating someone badly. They never intended you to be an unpaid maid. Yet that's very quickly what you became and your pleas for support fell on deaf ears. Actions (or in this case, their lack of action) speak louder than words.


I'm glad you're getting out of this situation, OP. It's a horrendous situation to find yourself in, exploitative, exhausting and I'm quite honestly furious on your behalf!

You sound like a very sweet person whose good nature has unfrotunately been taken advantage of. Maybe when you're home and looking back on this time you could learn from it and maybe toughen up a little bit and be less willing to put your own happiness aside to please others. Saying no and sticking to it isn't the worst thing in the world.

As for your friend, you've contacted her now so I'd let that be the end of things. But, whether she wants to meet up with you before you leave or not, accept that this friendship is over. To be quite honest I don't know why you would want to remain in contact with her anyway. I realise if you're living with her parents and see her siblings, then you're somewhat immersed in her life. But honestly, she is not your friend. Forget about the Facebook deletion - it's a very strange thing for you to get hung up on and it's akin to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

I wish you the very best of luck OP. All I would say to you is have a bit of self-confidence. You've dealt extraordinarily well with an incredibly tough workload for the last year. Standing up for yourself a bit should be easy in comparison!

Stavro Mueller

Monkey09 wrote: »

I contacted my friend by email yesterday to inform her that I would be leaving the country soon. I said that I was sorry that we didn't see eye to eye while I was here. I apologised for deleting her and said that I acted on impulse and I hope that she could forgive me. I said that it would be nice to see her before I leave as I would not be returning. She has not responded to the email yet anyway but who know what'll happen over the next few days.

Why oh why oh why did you do this? If you were my friend I'd be taking you aside right now and telling you some home truths. I hope some day you will wise up enough to look back on this action and cringe. It's thinking like this that is going to land you in situations like this again and again I'm afraid. There are folk out there who can sense naive people like you a mile away and go to town on them. They might do it with great charm and with a smile on their face but they're doing you all the same. Be careful.

Big Bag of Chips

Monkey09 wrote: »

I don't think this is entirely a bad trait

You are dead right. Being nice, and helpful and accommodating to people is definitely not a bad trait to have. Like K_P, I would have been very like that in my 20s. As I pass my mid 30s, I realise I can still be nice to people, and I can still put myself out for people - but I can also say "No" if things don't suit me, and people will not think any less of me.. because generally I am still nice and they know I would help if I could! It's something you will learn as you grow older. I often joke that I can't wait to turn into a "grumpy old woman", tutting at people in the shops and taking the ankles off them with my shopping trolley. I will have spent long enough being nice to everyone at that stage

Monkey09 wrote: »

All in all, I think the family never set out or intended to take advantage of me but that's how things turned out as time went on - when I moved in, their role diminished as they believed I had everything under control. I think that response/reaction is somewhat natural in people unfortunately.

You see there, you go again - being too nice about people who are taking you for granted. And who are FULLY AWARE of what they are doing. When you moved in they backed off. Which means before you moved in they had some sort of rota or system in place where they all did their share, and they knew exactly how much work was involved. You moving in just to be there during the night, turned into you doing all the work that 5 of them used to do.. that response is not natural in people! They made a conscious decision once you moved in, that they could stop helping out. Because if they weren't there to do things - you were, whether or not that was your original agreement.

Monkey09 wrote: »

I had mentioned a number of times before to various family members that I find my situation in the home very difficult to manage, but as I said before - nothing changed

Of course it didn't. They knew they were ignoring you, but you were doing the work anyway, so what incentive had they to help you out? You were doing all the work, and they were "off the hook"

Monkey09 wrote: »

the family were not too happy and are still trying to convince me to return in the New Year.

Yep - because if you don't come back, they all have to go back to how things were before you became their unpaid skivvy!

Monkey09 wrote: »

I contacted my friend by email yesterday... I apologised for deleting her and said that I acted on impulse and I hope that she could forgive me.

This will be one of those things that if it happens in your mid 30s you'll think "well fk her!" (and might even put that in an email instead )

Many of us were much the same as you when we started out on our own, OP. And like us, you'll have to go through it to learn the lessons, and you will come out the other side a happier person. You'll still be a nice person, but you'll be happier because you won't take messing from anyone!

Monkey09

Hi Everyone,
I just thought I'd send you all an update on the situation. I have made arrangements to return home on Sunday night. I never received any response to the email I sent to my "friend".

Her family organised a going away party for me yesterday, but "my friend" did not attend. Her husband was there and said something that she had some paper work to finish for her job and she'd be along later if she could. I had hoped she would arrive eventually as I hated the idea of leaving on bad terms with someone. I had already accepted that the friendship was over but I would have liked to clear the air nonetheless.

Anyway, it obviously wasn't to be unfortunately. I know I shouldn't feel this way but my decision to delete her from Facebook is really getting to me. If I hadn't done this, we would have parted ways on good terms at least. I know some of you considered that I was a fool to send my pervious email message as I did not owe that to her on the basis of how she had treated me over the last few months but I just felt like it was the right thing to do, considering that it was me who deleted her. Maybe that was unnecessarily nasty of me?? But yet again, I was just so upset about the whole situation.

This evening, I am strongly considering sending her another email to put down in black in white the reasons why I became so frustrated and felt so let down. That may make her realise that I deleted her because I felt utterly tormented trying to reach out to her several different times and through several different mediums - only to be ignored or fobbed off. I do not care if I get a response from her or not, but I would feel better knowing that I had at least explained the reasons behind my actions. So I would be doing it more for my benefit than hers. I don't know if this is a good/bad idea. Either way, I will probably wait until after I return home to decide on that matter and I would appreciate outside opinions on this idea also..

Chara1001

Maybe you should say something along the lines of...

'Dear x,
I was looking forward to seeing you at the party your family had for me, so I was very disappointed that you never arrived.
Firstly, I wanted to tell you to go and f**k yourself, and secondly, to get off your arse and look after your parents

Cheers,
Monkey'

MurdyWurdy

If your friend is completely avoiding seeing you, despite the fact you are leaving the country and won't see her again because you deleted her on Facebook then she needs to get a grip.

A nice person would have come anyway, thanked you for all you have done for her family and wished you well. She is not a nice person. Emailing her would be a complete waste of energy. Don't bother.

I am also a complete mug with my friends, they make no effort to see me and I'm bending over backwards for them I'm having huge problems with them at the moment. I'm upset all the time but I know they don't give me a second thought so I'm trying to think "**** em" instead of being upset. It's only hurting me. I think you need to do the same but I know how hard it is when you just want to get along with everyone.

Stavro Mueller

First off, best of luck with the move back home.

And secondly, don't even think about sending this "friend" of yours an email. Not only is it a terrible idea but a pointless exercise too. Seriously - do you really expect her to take a couple minutes out of her life to read your email? Seeing as she has been actively avoiding you and has gone to the trouble of blocking you on Facebook? If I was in her shoes, your email would be gone straight into Trash without being read.

Besides, do you not think that she can figure out for herself why you deleted her? After all, she did take advantage of you by turning you into an unpaid carer in her house. She knew that you were upset that she was avoiding you but she kept fobbing you off anyway. Leading on from that, you're moving home, thus leaving her and her family back at square one when it comes to sorting care for their parents. She knows the penny dropped with you.

I hope putting a bit of distance between you and her will put paid to your obsession with her and with trying to smooth things over. When you get a bit older and gain more life experience, you'll start to view things from a different perspective. While it does make life better if everyone gets on well, it should never be done at all costs. Experiences like this one will hopefully teach you how to stand up for yourself and not be taken for a mug. As I've said before, there are people out there who are only too willing to pull stunts and take advantage of people who they sense are a bit "soft" or naive. Learning how to identify these people and to say "No" are invaluable life skills that every person should have. There's a big difference between being a nice person/good friend and being a doormat.

Stavro Mueller

Sorry about the double post: I'm adding rather than editing in the hope that you'll spot more easily that the thread has been updated

Monkey09 wrote: »

This evening, I am strongly considering sending her another email to put down in black in white the reasons why I became so frustrated and felt so let down. That may make her realise that I deleted her because I felt utterly tormented trying to reach out to her several different times and through several different mediums - only to be ignored or fobbed off. I do not care if I get a response from her or not, but I would feel better knowing that I had at least explained the reasons behind my actions. So I would be doing it more for my benefit than hers.

Maybe you should write everything down so that you can get the frustration and torment out of your system. But DO NOT in the name of God send her a letter or an email. Delete what you wrote/burn what you wrote and then get on with your life.

Have you ever heard of the phrase "When you're in a hole, stop digging"? Sometimes when you make a mistake, the more you try to rectify it, the worse it get. To me I can't see how you can ever fix things between you and this woman. Friendships and relationships can only be repaired if both people are prepared to forgive and forget. I'm very far from convinced that this "friend" of yours is in either camp. I bet too that she isn't giving this "falling out" even a fraction of as much thought as you're giving it. You're in her past now and she is unlikely to care or want to care how you feel. You should view this in the same fashion. Learn the lessons from this unfortunate episode and never get caught like this again.

K_P

I don't think I've anything to add to cymbaline's excellent two posts. You should read those, them read them again. And any time your resolve is wavering, read them yet again.

I'm weighing in in an attempt to help you move on from the Facebook issue. The first two quotes are from your first post and the third from your most recent.

Monkey09 wrote: »

To cut a long story short - in the last few months, our friendship seemed to dwindle, maybe grow apart if you like.

Monkey09 wrote: »

sent her several text messages and Facebook messages asking her to call over to mine for a chat when she can. She responded to my messages but never came over to visit. I even rang her once in tears asking why she had never called over, and if she is avoiding me for some reason - she assured me that she wasn't. I assumed that she would visit over the coming days as a result of this conversation, but still, nothing!

Monkey09 wrote: »

I know I shouldn't feel this way but my decision to delete her from Facebook is really getting to me. If I hadn't done this, we would have parted ways on good terms at least.

Without the Facebook deletion, you would not in any way, shape or form have parted on good terms. She probably still wouldn't have turned up to your leaving party - like the time she never came to see you after you rang her in tears. You had huge anger towards her and she was avoiding you, yet you think you'd have parted on good terms?!! What's happened is you stood up for yourself (which by the way you were entirely justified in doing) but now you're feeling guilty. If you don't learn to live with the feeling you now have, you'll learn nothing from this episode and be a doormat people pleaser your whole life.

Leave it be, to email her again would be bordering in obsessive. You're coming home tomorrow - why is the planning and packing and excitement for that not occupying your thoughts? If the urge to write down your thoughts is overwhelming, as cymbaline suggested, write them down on paper with the intention of never sending them to her. It can be hugely cathartic. And then move on. I really do think when you're home this will occupy less of your head space as you'll be around your own family and friends and not immersed in her dysfunctional toxic family.