Persistent phone calls and texts from mam

LegacyUser

Can someone please tell me is this "normal"? I'm almost 30 years old, have been living away from home since I was 22 and am completely independent. I'm getting on average 30 calls in 30 days from my mam and on top of that are a few texts a week too. These calls can be in the middle of the day or late at night and I've requested her to stop calling me so much as she knows I've a lot on.

A lot of the calls will be quick and her forgetting what she rang me for, never anything really important. If I don't answer, there's always a voicemail, last one was asking what my friend worked at and if he was a carpenter, which I've told her at least 20 times already (he's not), this is 5 minutes after a phone call asking if the light works in the shed and how it's connected to electricity, then a few minutes later I get a text about how to turn the light on without her having even gone out to the shed to look. She's in no way sick in terms of alzheimers or anything, I think she just doesn't listen or asks such mundane questions that she has no real interest in the answer in the first place so never remembers.

It's pretty much always been like this, when I was younger I'd be the only person on a night out with friends who's mam would be ringing and even now when I'm out with friends my phone can go from time to time.

The cycle repeats itself , she'll ring me a few days in a row, I'll ask her to please not be phoning me so often, there's be no calls for a few days and then they start again.

She's in her mid sixties and there's no husband there so I'm trying to be accommodating but the volume is just very frustrating. She complains I never ring her but I was in Europe during the summer and asked her not to call me and that I'd call her, which I did. This 5 days or so was the longest I've gone without speaking to her in years and I actually wanted to call her and speak to her as opposed to letting out a big sigh every time I see her name on my phone. There was probably less interest to ring me since I was away and wasn't close by.

She's saying that I should be grateful that my mother cares for me and that she'd love if her mother (who passed away when she was young) would ring her every day if she were me. I've 3 siblings too but I don't think they get as many calls for questions etc as I do. For example, she'd ring me to ask something about her UPC bill before ringing UPC. I've no clue about UPC, I don't even have a tv myself. She just assumes I know everything about these things.

I don't want to hurt her feelings by being frustrated every time she calls, which is the case at the moment and I'm always trying to rush her off the call because I'm usually in the middle of doing something when she rings. She's accused me of being a bully because the way I react that I'll come across as angry that she's ringing me again etc. She says that it's my own fault that I'm so busy and I should be able to take time to speak to my mother and to be more respectful of her and appreciate that she's calling me and that she cares for me.

Just to note, she's very fond of the phone, she would spend ages chatting to friends and stuff, I think she racked up a £500 or so bill one time over 2 months with Telecom Eireann back in the day, this would have been mainly landline-landline calls. I get a lot of phone calls during the day due to work and I don't particularly like the phone. The idea of a holiday for me is being able to switch my phone off for 2 weeks so two opposite sides of the spectrum.

So am I being unreasonable here and I should be more patient or is this way above what would be considered catching up and keeping in touch with your son?

CaraMay

Yes you are being v unreasonable and impatient. It's not like she is a real drain on you. So what if you have to talk to her for 30 seconds per day? Put yourself in her shoes and imagine if she never wBted to talk to you when you called her. How hurtful would that be?

She won't be around forever

Queen-Mise

Take the calls if you are available to take them but stop feeding into the forgetful stuff. If she wants to ring you up to chat, absolutely fine. But if it is to ask something that she already know the answer but is too lazy-ish (not sure what word) to do herself, then don't feed those calls. Tell her to call another sibling - or else write them the most common questions and say the answer to that is in the blue book on the counter beside the phone.

When she gets that answer 3/4 times - she will stop ringing for the obvious stuff.

judgefudge

I don't think you're being unreasonable, it does sound excessive. It doesn't seem like you don't want to ever talk to your mother, it seems like you just want to be able to actually look forward to having a chat with her every 2-3 days rather than constantly resenting the superficial phone calls you do get.

It seems like you have told her time and time again, so I'm not sure what to advise in that regards. Maybe just say you won't be answering her phone calls when you are in work or on a night out. In the evening when you sit down with a cup of tea maybe you should actually ring her and just try to have a normal chat. It seems like she's looking for excuses to talk to you, so maybe try to steer your relationship away from you answering mundane pointless questions, to you actively showing an interest in her life, and sharing news you have.

Not sure if that made sense.

Matteroffact

She is using the stupid questions as an excuse to chat to you and not because she wants to know the answers. I actually think it is wonderful that she calls. If you don't feel like chatting to her then just don't answer unless it suits you, simple as. She might think that you are lonely and would like to feel that someone cares. She is living on her own and probably gets lonelier than you do. Don't hurt her feelings.

Carlos Orange

Maybe try to dodge the daily calls but put some time aside for a proper decent sized call once a week or so and call her.

Pessimist

To be honest, I do think you're being unreasonable and seeing a problem when there isn't one. She rings you because she loves you and respects your opinion. It's not like she's ringing to complain about things and honestly, I don't think calling once per day is that excessive.

She sounds like a fabulous mother and I think you should just accept her the way she is. She needs this in her life and if its only ten minutes out of your day, can't you try to relax and chat with her?

Perhaps you could suggest a time when would suit you better for her to call. Like only in the evenings unless it can't wait as you're at work & can't take personal calls, for example.

I just think if you try to see the calls as something positive, take the time to relax, enjoy a brief chat, then she might be more inclined to call at a certain time and keep the calls brief. She is your mother and it sounds like you have a great relationship otherwise. You will miss her so much when she's gone so I would be trying to work out a way that you look forward to those calls rather than begrudge them.

Merkin

I think she sounds lonely and I don't think a daily call is excessive. Certainly tell her you don't want to discuss needless things like the electricity supply to the shed but that otherwise you're happy to hear from her.You will then find that organically she no longer feels the need to conjure up silly excuses to talk to you if she actually feels that you'll welcome a phone call for a change.I think you're being a bit mean to her as it stands.

Stench Blossoms

I had this problem with my mother so I can sympathize. It's draining. I've often felt like I'm a little child having to pardon myself to take a phone call from my mother about 'What I thought about fair city last night'.

I had to just stop answering her unless I'm completely free. If it's important enough she sends me a text about it now.

Big Bag of Chips

If you still lived at home, you'd have small chit-chat with her on a daily basis. This is just what she is doing, except it's over the phone rather than face to face, in the same room. She lives alone, doesn't work? has she hobbies or interests to get her out of the house? She rings you for a chat, because she likes to chat. I wouldn't be so certain that she doesn't ring your other siblings too! She mightn't ring them to ask the same questions, but I'm guessing she rings them to ask equally mundane things.

She's fond of the phone, as you say. It's her thing. It's how she communicates with everyone. She probably makes 20 or 30 calls a day to everyone and anyone, and you are just 1 of those people. If you are available to answer the phone, do. If you are in the middle of something and know you will need to rush her off the phone, don't answer, but ring her back later. You know it's not going to be an emergency that can't wait a few minutes.

If you let her know that you couldn't answer because....... she will get used to it.

seosamh1980

I speak to my mother at least every day, sometimes 3-4 times a day. We also email and text every day She's also single but not lonely. We like this level of communication, everyone around me is used to her ringing me. If I'm not busy we'll talk for 5-60 minutes, if I am busy or if she's busy we just tell the other person we're busy and will call back later. The problem with your mum is that you don't want so many calls from her, but she doesn't understand this. While I agree a lot of her calls are to you unnecessary from the subjects of the calls it is clear she is using them as an excuse to call you.

I would say explain again that you can't answer her calls all the time, very clearly. Then stop answering all of them. Maybe answer 3-4 times a week and have a proper chat? Ignore a call one say and text after saying that you're busy, sorry you missed it, and that you'll give her a call the next day if you get a chance. She'll eventually stop calling every day if she realises she won't always get a reply if you're busy.

nikpmup

OP, I could have typed your post! I'm woken every day by a phone call, a lot of the time I can't answer it as I have a young baby who I'm feeding/changing etc. If I don't answer, the call is followed with a text saying "everything ok?" If I don't answer that, she's on the blower immediately! And it always seems to be when I'm in the middle of doing ten things when she rings and I have to rush her off the phone. Like your mum, she just wants to chat about mundane stuff.

What I do is make sure at least once every couple of days I ring her and let her tell me/ask me all the mundane stuff she wants to chit chat about, and spend plenty of time on the phone. That way she gets to talk to me and I don't feel bad if she does call and I'm not free to chat.

littleblackDRS

CaraMay wrote: »

Yes you are being v unreasonable and impatient. It's not like she is a real drain on you. So what if you have to talk to her for 30 seconds per day? Put yourself in her shoes and imagine if she never wBted to talk to you when you called her. How hurtful would that be?

She won't be around forever

I really don't agree with this. I think it's clear from the OP's post that it's draining him. It's one thing to be ringing once a week to chat and see how things are, and another altogether being so demanding of the OP's time.

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable. You're mother is expecting you to drop everything to entertain her, and that isn't your responsibility. You are an adult, with your own life. If she isn't listening to you when you tell her not to ring, I would talk to your siblings. It's fairly probable that she's just bored and lonely, but again; it isn't your job to cater for her, and if that's what's expected of you, then she is incredibly selfish.

Edit: Just reading other people's posts now. Don't let people make you feel like you're a bad person for wanting independence. Your mam doesn't "want your opinion"; if she did, she would take it on board, and you wouldn't feel like she's not even listening. She's not calling you for you, you've explained you don't want to talk so much.

mashedbanana

I know a woman, who has to turn off her mobile every night of the week. She also had her landline taken out, as her mother would ring her every single day. & go on & on & on repeating converations, incidences, that might have taken place 40 yrs ago. Along with the daily stuff.......BLOW BY BLOW........every minute detail.

This woman I know, loves to watch a bit of tv at night, as she is very busy by day, & works also. This was an impossible task though. As there was no such thing allowed as 'rushing her off the phone' that would just mean double the time on the phone the next day. All conversations were very repetitive. If this woman, was going on a night out, guaranteed her Mother would ring, as she was trying to get ready. Again the next morning, to find out about the night before. Again later that evening, just cos...she could.

Eventually, this woman I know told her mother 'Mam, my phone is off every night, if there is an emergency, ring the police station, down the road from me, they'll come to my door if I'm needed'

She is still waiting for the police to call......... and enjoys her evenings.

face1990

It does sound like she's lonely, and while you shouldn't be to harsh on her or hurt her feelings, she needs to respect that you have a life of your own and can't be on-call all day, every day.

Either way, you need to talk to her about it. Explain that you can't always take her calls, but you will try (and genuinely do) to ring her every day or two for a chat.

It might be no harm to talk to your siblings about it too. she sounds like she needs company, so maybe suggest that they call/visit her more often as well.


If you don't tackle the issue now you'll just grow to resent her for it.

thegreatgonzo

She sounds lonely and I know it can be annoying but try to be as patient as possible. There will come a day when she won't be around to talk to and you might be full of regret for not making the time for her now.

P. Breathnach

onthephoneagain wrote: »

... I'm getting on average 30 calls in 30 days from my mam and on top of that are a few texts a week too.... A lot of the calls will be quick and her forgetting what she rang me for, never anything really important...

One call a day on average, with many of them being very short? From a woman getting on in years and living on her own?

Her timing might sometimes be inconvenient for you, but I don't think that overall she is demanding too much of your time and attention.

Perhaps you could take some control of the situation in a constructive way: don't take her call if it's difficult for you, or answer just to say that you are busy and will call back later. Make a point of calling back. Give her a few minutes of your day at a time that fits in comfortably with the rest of your life.

LegacyUser

Believe it or not some day you would give anything to get a phone call and for it to be your mam on the phone ....

maggiepip

She just wants to see all is ok on a daily basis - if she doesnt hear from you for a few days she probably worries. She is older and lives alone so I dont think one quick call a day is too much. Why dont you suggest the you ring her once a day for a quick catch up - that way you control the timing and she doesnt phone you at irritating times.?

freshpopcorn

When I first read the thread I thought it said 30 calls per day and I taught that it was excessive.
When I relished it was 30 calls in thirty days I thought it was grand to be honest.
My mother used often ring me and my siblings and what we used do when we knew we were going to busy for the night was ring her and let her know that we were okay and to find out how was she and then we'd let her know that we were busy for the night.

LegacyUser

Everyone seems to be looking at this from the mothers point of view. Is it not ok to just not want to have to check in with the parents daily? Like I had hoped after a few years of moving out contact with the parents would be something for special occasions like birthdays and Christmas.

LegacyUser

I think you are been a bit harsh, 30 calls in 30 days and a few texts. If you are busy, don't answer. I would call her back later on that day

One day, she may not be here, god forbid, you will wish that she was to call and text you all day, everyday.

hello1986

I think you are a little harsh. 30 calls in 30 days and a few texts a week, is really not that bad. If you are busy, don't answer but I would call back when you are free.

One day, she may not be here, god forbid. You may wish then, she called and text all day, everyday.

coolbeans

Ah here, a call on average once a day plus a few texts. That's nothing really. I had sympathy when I misread thirty calls per day, but per month? No bother. Have a look at yourself and think of your mother. She's your Mammy and the least you could do is take her daily calls with selfless good grace.

face1990

coolbeans wrote: »

Ah here, a call on average once a day plus a few texts. That's nothing really. I had sympathy when I misread thirty calls per day, but per month? No bother. Have a look at yourself and think of your mother. She's your Mammy and the least you could do is take her daily calls with selfless good grace.

But having to answer the phone while on a night out is unreasonable.
Why should he have to take calls with 'selfless good grace' at any moment of the day or night?

I know it's his mother and she won't be around forever, but the fact that someone will one day die (as we all will) doesn't mean that you have to cater to them unconditionally.

coolbeans

face1990 wrote: »

But having to answer the phone while on a night out is unreasonable.
Why should he have to take calls with 'selfless good grace' at any moment of the day or night?

I know it's his mother and she won't be around forever, but the fact that someone will one day die (as we all will) doesn't mean that you have to cater to them unconditionally.

He's making a hell of a big deal out of one call a day is all I'm saying. I think it's selfish.

GarIT

Is the most selfish thing here not expecting someone to talk to you when they might not want to?

CaraMay

GarIT wrote: »

Is the most selfish thing here not expecting someone to talk to you when they might not want to?

No it's not giving your lonely mother a few seconds per day

iusedtoknow

I can sort of see the OP's point of view. I live abroad and my Mam is forever talking to me on gChat going through the minituae and I am just setting down to my work day.
I was recently on holiday, and sat with friends around a bar and my phone kept buzzing, there were 14 sms's with "how are you getting on, what are you doing..." sort of messages, followed by "you're obviously too busy" messages. She was sat at home, bored and thought I must be as well.

I eventually did the "I'm busy, talk later" angle and it worked like a charm. She now realizes that her 30 year old son actually does sometimes have something better to do than talk about how crappy the weather is 7000 miles away. It doesn't mean I don't like catching up. Myself and the parents would facetime once or twice a week, send pictures every so often etc, however I can understand the dread of seeing the number pop up on the phone.

OP - i would go with the "i can't chat, will phone you later" side, at a time that is convenient for you - maybe even let it slide a day before returning the call - for a while at least

Pawwed Rig

It does sound like she is lonely. She is probably missing her family after being used to a full house for so many years and sees you as the person she likes to talk to.
I don't see the problem here. If you do not want to talk to her then don't answer the phone. It is one of the benefits of mobile phones in that you can effectively screen your calls. You can set individual ring tones for specific people so if you really do not want to hear from her set her number to silent. Someday you will regret not answering though. Parents can feel like a drain sometimes but their nagging, worrying and silly questions are sorely missed when they are not there anymore.

maggiepip

Cant believe some people think its excessive to give a few minutes of your time out of a whole day to have a quick chat with a parent. An tiny act which would make someone very happy. Wow.

LegacyUser

Tell your mam that you can't take calls during working hours and then ring her yourself when it is convenient to you during the day. That way you take control but also keep in contact with her. She is obviously a bit lonely & needs the daily chat, even if only for a few minutes. Just think of her probably being at home all day with no company and you will realise what that contact means to her.

Babooshka

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

She sounds lonely and I know it can be annoying but try to be as patient as possible. There will come a day when she won't be around to talk to and you might be full of regret for not making the time for her now.

I was going to say the same thing. My own Mam does this a bit, she lives alone and when I can't take the calls if I'm at work or whatever, i let her know I will get back to her later. I know it can be frustrating at times but yes, there will come a day when she isn't there any more, and you will feel bad if you don't give her some comfort sometimes, so try to give her some attention and then ignore the other calls when you're too busy and next time you're talking tell her you were busy and now you're free. Mams are precious, and I know they're pain in the h... sometimes, but we only have one of them...be nice to her, you will feel better for it some day. Honest.

GarIT

Some parents do everything they possibly can to make a difficult to talk to them. I don't need daily comments on how I am living my life wrong. I know you could say it's nice to be nice and that they're your parents but I can't see how there is some special entitlement there that your parents get to be the most demoralising and sometimes abusive and horrible people you have ever talked to and you are still supposed to be nice to them.

My advice for the OP is to talk to your mother about it and just say that you have a lot to lately, and you cant take as many calls as you are but if there is something important to text or email you and other than that you will call her when you have time. And do call her and make an extra effort to talk to her and have a decent conversation but maybe only on Sundays or something.

I'm expected to do 72 hours of course work per week and my mother expects a 30 min phone call per day so she can judge everything I do, its really not easy to deal with.

littleblackDRS

onthephoneagain wrote: »

She's accused me of being a bully because the way I react that I'll come across as angry that she's ringing me again etc. She says that it's my own fault that I'm so busy and I should be able to take time to speak to my mother and to be more respectful of her and appreciate that she's calling me and that she cares for me.

Just to note, she's very fond of the phone, she would spend ages chatting to friends and stuff...

It sounds like your mam is the one who is a bully, being emotionally manipulative like this. It really seems like she just hasn't accepted that you're an adult with your own life. "It's your own fault you're so busy"? It's a problem for her that you have a life?

I know people are saying she's lonely, but it seems more like she's bored. You should talk to her about joining a club or something to get out and meet new people, so she is less dependant on you.

loveisdivine

I don't really think its the op's responsibility to be at his mothers beck and call. He is not there to provide entertainment for her when she is bored.
If she is lonely then she needs to make an effort to rectify that herself, spend more time with friends, join a local club of some sort.
After all, shes only in her sixties, its not like she's 90 something and can't take care of herself.

I actually think its incredibly selfish when parents try to guilt their children into spending more time with them, be it on the phone or in person. You have to find a balance that suits both of you.

maggiepip

littleblackDRS wrote: »

It sounds like your mam is the one who is a bully, being emotionally manipulative like this. It really seems like she just hasn't accepted that you're an adult with your own life. "It's your own fault you're so busy"? It's a problem for her that you have a life?

I know people are saying she's lonely, but it seems more like she's bored. You should talk to her about joining a club or something to get out and meet new people, so she is less dependant on you.

It all depends on the way those things are being said you know. If the OP is answering the phone to his mother in an aggressive resentful and angry way - perhaps shes just asking him not to bully her? Shes not necessarily being manipulative. No one is there to witness exactly the circumstances or the tone in which insults are being delivered. And the tone and context are really important.

Personally, unless somebody has some deep rooted resentment or major past problems with a parent, I dont see that calling them for a few minutes a day is a huge inconvenience.

loveisdivine

To be honest, my mother in law would be very similar to the op's mother. She rings most days at least once. For myself and my husband, its not actually talking to her that annoys us, its the fact that the calls are either mundane chit chat purely because she is bored or she phones to ask a question that she could have easily found out the answer for herself but is too lazy. Things like "how do I buy something of xyz website" or "so and so down the road just got a job in blah place" or "what time is xyz open till"

If we spoke to her on the phone once a week for a general catch up and to see how each other is doing, it would be much more pleasant. However, when she is constantly picking up the phone for everything little thought that runs through her head, it becomes quite annoying.

Some people in this thread are clearly very emotionally attached to their parents, which is fine for them, but for a lot of people (myself and my father included) speaking on the phone everyday would be a nightmare! We talk around once a week and we have a wonderful relationship. We dont feel an emotional need to talk to each other everyday. I have my husband to chat about mundane ****e too

Pawwed Rig

Get her internet access and sign her up to Facebook. Link her with all of your relatives and show her how easy it is to chat to them. It might take some of the pressure off you.

mashedbanana

None of us here can know what the OP is like in person, or what his mother is like in person.

She could be a sweet Irish Mammy, that would mollycoddle you with cuddles. Or the opposite.

I know which one my mother is like, so naturally i would advice on my own experience. Others will do the same.

Not every mammy is sweet, gentle, and lonely........in need to a bit of company.
& likewise Not every mammy is a bully.....ringing to control/manipulate/guilt trip their adult child.

Op, will figure out which one fits the bill for his mammy, and will either warm to daily calls, or self preserve.
We really shouldn't be too harsh on him, as we don't know the full extent of it.
It is frustrating to be asked the same Q's over & over. It's wearing.

GarIT

maggiepip wrote: »

It all depends on the way those things are being said you know. If the OP is answering the phone to his mother in an aggressive resentful and angry way - perhaps shes just asking him not to bully her? Shes not necessarily being manipulative. No one is there to witness exactly the circumstances or the tone in which insults are being delivered. And the tone and context are really important.

Personally, unless somebody has some deep rooted resentment or major past problems with a parent, I dont see that calling them for a few minutes a day is a huge inconvenience.

It doesn't matter what tone the OP used, saying "It's your own fault you're so busy" is being manipulative. She is implying the OP doing their own thing is a problem for her. It is none of her business what the OP is doing.

GarIT

loveisdivine wrote: »

To be honest, my mother in law would be very similar to the op's mother. She rings most days at least once. For myself and my husband, its not actually talking to her that annoys us, its the fact that the calls are either mundane chit chat purely because she is bored or she phones to ask a question that she could have easily found out the answer for herself but is too lazy. Things like "how do I buy something of xyz website" or "so and so down the road just got a job in blah place" or "what time is xyz open till"

If we spoke to her on the phone once a week for a general catch up and to see how each other is doing, it would be much more pleasant. However, when she is constantly picking up the phone for everything little thought that runs through her head, it becomes quite annoying.

Some people in this thread are clearly very emotionally attached to their parents, which is fine for them, but for a lot of people (myself and my father included) speaking on the phone everyday would be a nightmare! We talk around once a week and we have a wonderful relationship. We dont feel an emotional need to talk to each other everyday. I have my husband to chat about mundane ****e too

I feel like I posted this (except I don't have a husband). I got a call yesterday to say she had finished dinner and was going to watch TV for the night while I'm in the middle of a very stressful and long assignment. I don't need to hear that s**t, all I was thinking at the time was are you trying to make me hate you?

She is obsessed with gossiping and saying nasty things about neighbours and relatives, I don't want to hear any of that. I don't care. She even goes are far as when she is away she rings and asks which of the neighbours have their cars outside, and asking me to do things like taking notes on when people enter and leave the estate we live in.

littleblackDRS

maggiepip wrote: »

It all depends on the way those things are being said you know. If the OP is answering the phone to his mother in an aggressive resentful and angry way - perhaps shes just asking him not to bully her? Shes not necessarily being manipulative. No one is there to witness exactly the circumstances or the tone in which insults are being delivered. And the tone and context are really important.

Personally, unless somebody has some deep rooted resentment or major past problems with a parent, I dont see that calling them for a few minutes a day is a huge inconvenience.

My point was, there is a massive difference between getting annoyed (after he made a point of telling her it was bothering him) and bullying. Her response to him not responding in an ideal manner (which is understandable if she is annoying and draining him) is to start name calling.

If she had such a problem with the way he was answering the phone, she wouldn't keep calling. But she does. She wants to take up his time, and she want him to be happy about it. And I only bring emotional manipulation into it, because it does seem like she's trying to make him feel guilty for having his own life, independent of her.

I think that just because some people want to talk to their parents everyday, they think everyone should. Some people just might prefer not having to talk to someone everyday. Doesn't mean there is any resentment or problems. Some people like being independent, and don't want to have to feel like they have to talk to somebody everyday just because they gave birth to them. And they shouldn't be made to feel like they are bad people, because they feel differently to others.

GarIT

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Get her internet access and sign her up to Facebook. Link her with all of your relatives and show her how easy it is to chat to them. It might take some of the pressure off you.

Don't do this. I've gotten an infinite amount of messages saying things like "Why are you on facebook you should be studying" or "Why were you out last night you have college this morning" I'm 20 and I'll do whatever the f*** I want.

I think mine could be much worse than the OPs though, I get sent food because I'm "not eating properly" and get calls saying things like "it's cold over here we've turned on the heating so should you."

maggiepip

I call my mother every day because I know this makes her happy - it allows her to touch base so to speak. She lives alone. There are plenty of days I dont really feel like ringing her, and would prefer to leave it for a day or two, but I dont because I know it means a lot to her. I dont personally have an "emotional attachment" need to ring her daily -I do it for her. And I dont consider it much of a sacrifice either.

loveisdivine

GarIT wrote: »

She is obsessed with gossiping and saying nasty things about neighbours and relatives, I don't want to hear any of that. I don't care. .

I think they might be sisters! Ours often rings to tell the husband some piece of gossip that he has absolutely no interest in at all. Its not that he doesn't like talking to her, but at the end of the day his ma is not his "best friend" he's not interested in gossiping with her and general chit chat.

It would seem its a similar thing for OP, you obviously do want to keep in touch with your mother and check in with her regularly, but you also don't want to be her "gal pal" for want of a better phrase! As a son, its not your job to be her best friend, so dont feel bad for avoiding her calls and such.

Its a tough one though, even though my husband makes it relatively clear (without being aggresive) that he would rather not get so many calls. She still rings! Its about damage limitation really, if you do answer the call just try and keep it quick. If she starts trying to manipulate you with snide comments just say "I enjoy catching up on the phone, but I wont continue talking with you if you carry on talking to me that way".

littleblackDRS

maggiepip wrote: »

I call my mother every day because I know this makes her happy - it allows her to touch base so to speak. She lives alone. There are plenty of days I dont really feel like ringing her, and would prefer to leave it for a day or two, but I dont because I know it means a lot to her. I dont personally have an "emotional attachment" need to ring her daily -I do it for her. And I dont consider it much of a sacrifice either.

And that's how you feel about it, and you are totally entitled to. But they OP is equally entitled to be left alone, if that's what he wants.

JillyQ

Op does your mother live alone? I think you are being quiet mean about this, she could be lonely. My mother calls me everyday, but it is generally when my father isnt around & she is nervous on her own.

GarIT

JillyQ wrote: »

Op does your mother live alone? I think you are being quiet mean about this, she could be lonely. My mother calls me everyday, but it is generally when my father isnt around & she is nervous on her own.

Can you explain how it is mean? Should the OP entertain everyone that calls or are you suggesting he owes his mother something? Would you entertain the OPs mother is she called you? Being somebodies child does not imply a responsibility to entertain them. The responsibilities in a parent child relationship are a one way only and are void completely at 18.

maggiepip

littleblackDRS wrote: »

And that's how you feel about it, and you are totally entitled to. But they OP is equally entitled to be left alone, if that's what he wants.

But the OP wanted to know was he being unreasonable. Its obvious he doesnt want to talk to his mother every day. My point is, unless its causing great distress, is it not reasonable to put yourself out a little and spend those few minutes (doesn't have to be long) on the phone - as it appears to mean so much to his mother.

maggiepip

GarIT wrote: »

Can you explain how it is mean? Should the OP entertain everyone that calls or are you suggesting he owes his mother something? Would you entertain the OPs mother is she called you? Being somebodies child does not imply a responsibility to entertain them. The responsibilities in a parent child relationship are a one way only and are void completely at 18.

Is that the rule book? Ever heard of empathy or compassion?