Am I being a morning sickness princess?

LegacyUser

Is it unreasonable to expect your partner to stay home with you when you have morning sickness?
The pregnancy hasn't exactly been smooth sailing these past few weeks. I know men can't do anything to really help but even just being home with me would make me feel less miserable.
Last weekend he said he was meeting his friends to play cards, he didn't come home until 7am the Monday morning and didn't bother calling to let me know until 6am. You can imagine my worry.
Today he left around 1pm to meet a friend to play a match. A few hours later I called and he was in the pub, that was fine, then at 6 I asked when he'd be back because we have run out of milk, toilet paper etc and I am so, so ill today. I have vomited on the floor, in the sink, while having a shower etc because of this pregnancy. He is still not home and told me he's met a bigger group of friends.
I know he's allowed his own life, please tell me if I'm being too unreasonable? I just feel really crap today and I wish I wasn't on my own.

strandroad

With regard to staying with you when you're ill, you need to assess whether you're feeling so bad that you need a person in the house (in case you fainted etc), or if you're feeling wrecked but manageable. I felt either way in the past; it's your body and you know best.

Even if it's the latter, though, you should have supplies at hand and I would expect my partner to offer help and show care. I would tell him to go but I know he would ask me first, not just announce. To disappear like that and leave me without basic supplies when I can't go out - not good.

LegacyUser

I could put on my shoes and walk to the shops myself but I'm afraid I'll get sick outside and be embarrassed. It's been non stop heaving today! I'm not completely bed ridden or anything, I just feel crap and weak and it'd be nice if he was here. But I'm open to being told I'm being unreasonable too. I'm just feeling crap today.

Sittingpretty

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I think you have just cause to be worried.
That kind of sh1t won't wash when you have a newborn in the house.
No issue with him having his own life and going out with friends but a bit of notice for you would be nice as indeed would some empathy for the sickness.

loalae

Wait - he stayed out until 7am without telling you? Does he usually do that?

I guess it's a little bit insensitive of him to stay out all day when you're so ill. Is it a special occasion? Does he do it every week or just once in a blue moon? Has him being out all day been an issue before?

If this is a once off, I think you need to give him a break.

BUT as much as he's entitled to his own life and to have his needs met - you have needs too! It seems to be important to you for him to stay at home with you while you're unwell - tell him so. If this is an ongoing situation, I wouldn't pussyfoot around him. Have a discussion about what you expect from him and what behaviour you find unacceptable.


Probably best to wait until he's sober though - trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone who has been drinking all day is pointless.

ElleEm

Being sick is horrible, and I can imagine when it is morning sickness, it is worse as there is a concern about the baby. It is unreasonable for you to expect your boyfriend to sit with you all the time, but his behaviour is unacceptable for an expectant father. He should be looking after you somewhat, and ensuring that if he is going out, that you are set up with everything you need and are able to contact him if you need to.

Are you actually out straight asking him to stay home with you? Have you asked him to contact you more frequently when he is out? Did you ask him to bring home shopping for you? Being passive in these situations won't work. You need to be open and honest with him. Tell him what you NEED as a minimum from him.

Tigger99

You are being the complete opposite of a princess. Christ almighty you can't go outside because you are vomiting so much, the very least he could do is be there. And if he had to go out, make sure you have all the supplies you need.

Something occurs to me tho. Could he have a phobia about vomiting and be staying away cos of that? Doesn't excuse it, but might explain it.

To be honest if I were you I'd stay with a friend or family member that you can trust to look after you, you need a little TLC. Might give him a land for being so thoughtless.

By the way have you gone to the doctor about all the morning sickness? It sounds like more than normal and you might need a check up or extra vitamins or even go on a drip to get hydrated.

Mind yourself xx

Faith

At the beginning of the thread, I assumed you were being unreasonable, but as I read on, I couldn't believe it. You sound like you have very severe morning sickness (worth talking to your doctor about, if you haven't already) and he's leaving on your own for extremely long periods. That's such bad form i can't even put it in words.

Have you spoken to him about it? If not, as someone else says, you need to have a clear discussion with him when he's sober. Tell him how it makes you feel when he essentially abandons you, and explain why you feel you need to have him around. Be calm and rational so he doesn't think you're just being 'hysterical'.

You're not being a princess, at the very least! If it was a small bit of sickness and you didn't want him to ever leave, then you would be.

Oryx

He should be caring for you more than he is. You don't need him to fetch and carry all the time but it sounds like he is gone to the other extreme. Is he happy about this pregnancy?

KKkitty

You're definitely not being a princess over it. With my last pregnancy I had bad morning sickness and my partner would leave me for short periods of time to visit family or get something in the shop. He would never leave me overnight if I was feeling bad or vomiting that much. You need to talk to your partner and tell him his behaviour isn't appropriate and even though your baby isn't born yet he has responsibilities towards the wellbeing of the mother of his child.

fungun

Sounds like he is not being that sympathetic which is what would annoy me. You dont give all the context as in I would think you are being a bit unreasonable if you are asking him to stay at home from work every day - he cant really do that.
But with regard to him going on with his life as before Id expect a lot better - and if he does want to have his time out (which is fair enough at an appropriate level) Id expect him to at least be sure you have what you need for those few hours, if you are that bad

LegacyUser

Oh no no!! I didn't explain myself properly. I don't expect him to stay home from work for me. Or expect him to miss nights out with his friends all the time. I enjoy time home alone too sometimes
It's just leaving at 1pm and telling me he'd be a few hours and he still hasn't returned and when I called he said he didn't know what he was doing tonight. It's the feeling of me being left waiting on him that hurts me.
This has always been an issue, he will say he's going out for an hour and not come home til 3/4am hammered. But I thought it would be different now that he sees me be so sick. He even missed our last scan because he was tired and wanted to sleep. He also got a warning in work for not showing up the day he didn't come home til 7am. All of this has me stressed about my baby's future, financially and emotionally. Baby isn't born yet but I still want the best for him/her.
I'm the one paying the bills right now and even the rent for the last few weeks when he's been down on money for missing work but this is not sustainable and I wish he would recognise that I am not at my best and I know this sounds silly for an adult woman to say, but I want to be taken care of.
I am really worried about everything right now. I guess my whinging here tonight is because I feel lonely as well as sick and I'm just blaming him because he's not here.
I will try speak to him sober. I tried before and he stormed off and didn't come home til the next day. He has seriously let me down.

fungun

sounds like its not really a morning sickness specific issue then - sounds like he is a guy with a drinking problem and/or issues with being responsible in many areas of his life....
He is out drinking - misses work, leaves you paying the bills, and just goes out drinking again? Leaves you alone, misses your scans? Id be pretty pissed off about all of this....especially if you are going to have a baby together, you need to know you can rely on him.

As a specific aside, if he can afford to drink like this, he can afford to pay his part of the rent.

LegacyUser

Thanks fungun, I agree with you. I guess I just feel really stuck and alone. I'm pregnant and I have no support from him, yet everybody thinks I have.
I told my sister he was coming to the scan with me when she offered, then at the last minute he changed his mind so I ended up being there alone. It was too late to ask her but I wouldn't anyway because I don't want people's opinions of him being damaged as it will damage our future and my family's involvement with the baby.
They live a good bit away so I want to see them as much as I can and not be causing any tension. They're not delighted about this pregnancy as it is, as we have only been together 8 months.
On a practical note, I will go to pharmacy tomorrow and ask if I can take those electrolyte replacement things. I know morning sickness is common.
Pregnancy is not easy at all. Nobody ever says how worrying and anxious a time it is!

Big Bag of Chips

He "changed his mind" about going to the scan? Not something came up last minute - he actually just changed his mind???

Are you planning on him being at the birth? If you are hoping he will, maybe you should organise a standby, just in case. On my first, my husband came to all the hospital appointments with me, but told me he didn't think he could be in the room while I was going through labour. So we organised for my mam to be there with me. As it turned out - I was brought in for an emergency section, my mam didn't have time to get to the hospital (she lived 2 hours away) and my husband had no choice but come in with me. I spent the entire time reassuring him that I was ok, that I was going to be ok, and that the baby would be ok! But we both got through it - and No 2 and 3 were a doddle for him.

8 months is a short time to be together, you're still getting to know each other - and you don't really know how he will support you in a crisis. He has already backed out of a scan. He doesn't seem too bothered about helping you out when you're sick. He probably won't want to be at the birth (Obviously I don't know this, but if he's letting you down for a scan, will he be happy to step up for the really difficult bit?) Do you think you can depend on him to be of any real help when the baby comes?

I think it's time to sit down with him and have a frank and honest chat.

fungun

I don't want people's opinions of him being damaged as it will damage our future and my family's involvement with the baby

If you feel the need to hide/defend his behaviour from those that love you, then you know its not right. Hiding his issues is to an extent enabling them to continue.
Pregnancy is a difficult enough time without this - as well as talking to him, Id be talking about this to a close friend/sister or someone you trust. I wonder did your initial question about being a 'morning sickness princess' come from words he spoke to you?
If so, this is classic 'going on the attack' strategy from a manipulative bully....that rather than addressing what you are trying to say to him, he brings up something about you, makes you think that you might be unreasonable. What age are you/him?

You are not being unreasonable on this, but pregnancy is such an emotional turmoil it would be good for you to have a sounding board that you can trust during this time. Although if not, boardsies are always here

Best of luck with it all

KKkitty

This is not fair on you at all. He seems oblivious to your needs and it looks like he isn't very mature to be fair. As soon as he knew you were pregnant his errant ways should have ended but they haven't. What happens if you're in pain after the delivery and need him to help with the baby? Can you honestly say he'll be there? As regards the bad morning sickness you should see a doctor and he/she will give you tips on how to cope with it. In the mean time keep yourself hydrated. Eat little and often too. Take pregnancy multi vitamins also. None of this is helping you or baby at all.

loalae

From everything you've said here, OP, I'm concerned for you.

You've said that you don't want to tell people about his behaviour because they may think less of him. You're also questioning whether you have the right to be annoyed about his behaviour. What do you think will happen if you tell him in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate him staying out all night, not attending scans, drinking with his mates while you're getting sick in the shower, flaking off from work because of a hangover etc?

Are you afraid to confront him? If you are - is that because you fear for your safety or because you think he may break up with you?

If you standing up for yourself results in a break-up, is that really so terrible? You have to ask yourself why you're putting up with this crap. If it's for the sake of the baby, you also have to ask yourself whether this guy will be helpful or whether he'll just make things more difficult for you.

If it's because you fear for your safety - get out now!!!

Please tell someone you trust about this.

LegacyUser

Wow I didn't expect so much advice, thanks everyone. He came home at 6.10 this morning. I've been awake since but I haven't been sick yet. Victory!

Its not for fear of my safety but moreso him walking out on me. My family would be disgusted with me if I ended up having this baby alone. My dad said he'd feel much better about all of this if we would get married. I'm 25, he's 26.

Also as mad as it seems, I'd feel like I was letting my boyfriend down, anytime I've brought this stuff up he mentions about how much he's had to give up for me. These wild nights only happen about twice weekly now, it used to be more. He wants to leave his job too but I've asked him not to, because of the baby.

I have a really good job but I'm broke between helping him with his loans & taking over rent the last little while. Now I'm relying on him for money until I get paid. I'd have been fine except I got a letter unexpectedly with that TV license bill a few days ago. So really, in regard to doing this alone, I'm afraid & I don't know where to start.
The biggest thing though is that it's been touch & go the last few weeks with baby, I've been told to rest and must see the consultant again in two weeks. This might partially be why he's acting this way. My biggest fear is them telling me something is wrong with the pregnancy & then possibly losing my boyfriend too. It's too overwhelming.
I sound like such moan here but honestly, everything has changed so quickly and I feel really alone.
For the record, despite anything that happens with him, I really want my baby to be okay. I have no doubts about that. I hope to give birth to a healthy baby in 2014.

Faith

This is one of those threads where the more you read, the more your heart sinks .

Fungun made a very good point - it sounds like this guy has a drinking problem. Who is paying for his benders? Why can't he afford rent if he can pay for these nights out? If you're paying for them, why are you enabling him?

Firstly, I think you need to have a really good think about whether he has a drinking problem.

How old is he, out of interest? And how long have you been together?

He doesn't sound like a solid bet to me, if I'm honest. Maternal stress isn't good in pregnancy, and he's doing nothing but stressing you out by the sounds of it.

As others have pointed out, when you feel the need to hide somebody's behaviour, it's a sign that you know yourself that other people would recognise that it's not okay.

At the very least, you need a supportive partner through your pregnancy. You don't have that. I think you have a big decision to make now. If he has a drinking problem, he needs help ASAP but might not be ready to admit that. You may have to walk away for all of your sakes (including your baby's). If he's just an ass, you should probably walk away too for your sake - assuming he won't listen when you explain how his behaviour affects you.

Stavro Mueller

Was this an unplanned pregnancy? Because your boyfriend certainly isn't showing any signs of being an enthusiastic dad to be.

username123

There are so many red flags in this thread.

Im going to be blunt because although the truth will be painful for you to hear, its best you have someone be honest with you.

This guy has a drink problem. Its infringing on his work life and his personal life. He has a pregnant partner and drinking is more important to him than supporting you, more important than paying rent, bills, more important than building a future together.

On top of this, you are enabling his drinking behaviour by hiding the truth from your family and paying bills when he is down on money as a result of his drinking.

So he gets to drink and cause problems with no bad consequences and you get to feel worse and worse.

Unless he decides to get his act together you are looking at a bleak future, both for yourself and your child. I am the child of an alcoholic. My mother could have written your opening post in the early years of her marriage. I wish she had left him. It is horribly damaging for children to be exposed to alcoholism. And it is a progressive disease. The fact that he is behaving so irresponsibly NOW, at such a young age and early stage of life (ie, baby only on the way) is a VERY bad sign.

You are only with him for 8 months. Its a pressure cooker situation for someone to be facing into parenthood after only 8 months in a relationship. It could be that he is panicking that his life has changed so fundamentally in such a short period of time and that this behaviour is him not knowing how to deal with the situation. But even if it is that, and not truly alcoholism - do you want to be with someone who turns to booze in such an unhealthy and destructive manner for every stressful event?

Sorry to lay it so bleakly, but unless he can get his act together with immediate effect, I think you are facing a bad future with this guy.

I suggest that you tell your friends and family the truth immediately. Stop hiding this problem. You need support and he is not giving it to you, and your family and friends dont know to give it because you are not being honest with them. Think about your baby, the stress you are going through is not good for you or the baby. I wish you all the best, I hope you are able to do the best thing for you and your child.

KKkitty

Hes 26 so he should've grown up by now. I'd walk if I were you to be honest. This so called man isn't worth the hassle and he more than likely won't change when your baby is born. I'd rather be on my own than worry about where my partner is and when he'll be back. His debts are not yours so he needs to take responsibility for them. Tell your family what's going on please. They will be there to support you. None of this is your fault and you need to be stress free. I really hope all goes well for you.

Oryx

I'll be brief: you need to consider that sometimes you are better off alone.

LegacyUser

morningsickness wrote: »

he mentions about how much he's had to give up for me.

This says it all....you're pregnant with his child, you're feeling sick with the pregnancy and yet he's had to give up so much for you? And you initially thought you were a morning sickness princess? Oh my god, your partner is so selfish and immature, it absolutely beggars belief! It always angers me when I hear people women being put down because they expect a bit of respect, and it angers me even more when women are just expected to carry children and to put up with all the side effects without complaint.

It's about time selfish people like your partner woke up and realised the effects of carrying and giving birth to a baby has on a woman's body, and to understand the sacrifice you have made to carry his child. Jesus, some people! There are great fathers out there who understand the sacrifice their partners have made for them, the guy you're with sounds like HE's the princess in the relationship!

Tigger99

Ok your family mightnt approve of you having this baby alone but I suspect they might be a huge support if they actually knew what was going on.

What your boyfriend said about giving things up for you? They are things he should be doing as a responsible adult anyway. He's trying to make you feel bad for that. That's pretty crap.

It doesn't sound like u rely on him financially considering you are paying his loans.

Ok ask yourself this. Do you see things getting better with him when the stress of looking after a newborn kicks in?

I don't know of any charities or support groups that help struggling single parents but I hope someone can put some up. Because whether you are with this guy or not you are going to be a single parent- the way he is acting

Idle Passerby

morningsickness wrote: »

Wow I didn't expect so much advice, thanks everyone. He came home at 6.10 this morning. I've been awake since but I haven't been sick yet. Victory!

Its not for fear of my safety but moreso him walking out on me. My family would be disgusted with me if I ended up having this baby alone. My dad said he'd feel much better about all of this if we would get married. I'm 25, he's 26.

Also as mad as it seems, I'd feel like I was letting my boyfriend down, anytime I've brought this stuff up he mentions about how much he's had to give up for me. These wild nights only happen about twice weekly now, it used to be more. He wants to leave his job too but I've asked him not to, because of the baby.

I have a really good job but I'm broke between helping him with his loans & taking over rent the last little while. Now I'm relying on him for money until I get paid. I'd have been fine except I got a letter unexpectedly with that TV license bill a few days ago. So really, in regard to doing this alone, I'm afraid & I don't know where to start.
The biggest thing though is that it's been touch & go the last few weeks with baby, I've been told to rest and must see the consultant again in two weeks. This might partially be why he's acting this way. My biggest fear is them telling me something is wrong with the pregnancy & then possibly losing my boyfriend too. It's too overwhelming.
I sound like such moan here but honestly, everything has changed so quickly and I feel really alone.
For the record, despite anything that happens with him, I really want my baby to be okay. I have no doubts about that. I hope to give birth to a healthy baby in 2014.

You poor thing OP

First of all, your dad is just being old fashioned and poorly informed if he honestly thinks you would be better off married to this guy. Your boyfriend isn't even mature enough to realise ditching work because of a hangover is completely irresponsible when he has a baby on the way!

Your boyfriend is being very immature in saying he has sacrificed so much for you. It sounds like he has sacrificed very little since he still stays out all night twice a week and feels no responsibility to help you with the pregnancy or prepare for the baby by going to scans or saving money.

I think your boyfriend needs to realise he is not one of the lads anymore, he's about to be a father and really needs to step up to the mark because from what you describe he is in no way doing that at the moment.

strandroad

OP, just to give you a bit of perspective, in adult relationships with baby on the way getting pissed twice a week is quite liberal, and not at all a sacrifice.

He's living a student's life with you paying his bills instead of his parents. He's playing the blame game with you too - you're a saint if you're putting up with his lifestyle and the way he treats you and your purse. It's ridiculous that he can't pay his rent while he's spending so much on drink.

Wake up... when the baby is born he'll be away from home too, leeching on you, and try explaining that to your family.

Faith

Im on my iPad so I can't do quotes too well, so bear with me.

morningsickness wrote: »

Its not for fear of my safety but moreso him walking out on me. My family would be disgusted with me if I ended up having this baby alone. My dad said he'd feel much better about all of this if we would get married. I'm 25, he's 26.[\quote]

Your dad is only saying that because he doesn't know the truth of the relationship. If he knew how your boyfriend was treating you, I'd say your dad would be packing your bags himself.

Also as mad as it seems, I'd feel like I was letting my boyfriend down, anytime I've brought this stuff up he mentions about how much he's had to give up for me. These wild nights only happen about twice weekly now, it used to be more. He wants to leave his job too but I've asked him not to, because of the baby.

Twice a week?! And he's claiming he can't afford rent and bills?! That's just taking the piss utterly. That's a lot at the best of times (considering you're talking about 12+ hour binges). Let's say each binge is 12 hours. That's a full day every week he spends out on the piss. It's jeopardising his job, his relationship, his finances. He definitely has a problem with alcohol.

I have a really good job but I'm broke between helping him with his loans & taking over rent the last little while. Now I'm relying on him for money until I get paid. I'd have been fine except I got a letter unexpectedly with that TV license bill a few days ago. So really, in regard to doing this alone, I'm afraid & I don't know where to start.

Please tell me I've misread that and you're not paying off his loans for him?

The biggest thing though is that it's been touch & go the last few weeks with baby, I've been told to rest and must see the consultant again in two weeks. This might partially be why he's acting this way. My biggest fear is them telling me something is wrong with the pregnancy & then possibly losing my boyfriend too. It's too overwhelming.
I sound like such moan here but honestly, everything has changed so quickly and I feel really alone.
For the record, despite anything that happens with him, I really want my baby to be okay. I have no doubts about that. I hope to give birth to a healthy baby in 2014.

Oh Op, you poor thing. You're going through hell with this pregnancy and you're also stressed over whether this asshole will leave YOU if something goes wrong with the pregnancy. Can't you see how distorted your view of the relationship is? He should be holding your hand and supporting you through all of this, but instead he's out acting like son alcoholic teenager while you're paying all of his costs, stressed constantly and going through hell. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard. They're reply not. They should enhance your life. How does this guy enhance your life?

As oryx said, there's often times when it's much, much preferable to be on your own.

Big Bag of Chips

morningsickness wrote: »

My family would be disgusted with me if I ended up having this baby alone. My dad said he'd feel much better about all of this if we would get married.

They'd get over it.

anytime I've brought this stuff up he mentions about how much he's had to give up for me.

Of course he does - it's all your fault, isn't it.

These wild nights only happen about twice weekly now,

ONLY.. twice weekly, he goes on mad benders.. ONLY?? You do realise you are trying to rationalise the irrational. Even if the pregnancy was unplanned he was still a willing participant. Life changes when you have a baby. "Mad benders" should be maybe a twice yearly thing, not a twice weekly thing, and certainly not "only" twice weekly.

He wants to leave his job

Why? Is he being bullied? Harrassed? Mistreated? Or does he just want to be able to go out every night without having to worry about ringing in sick the next day - and sure you're going to cover all the bills anyway. So he doesn't necessarily need to work..... does he?

I have a really good job but I'm broke between helping him with his loans & taking over rent the last little while.

This is why he wantrs to give up work. Sure you have a good job and are willing to pay for him to go out on "mad benders" at least twice a week.

The biggest thing though is that it's been touch & go the last few weeks with baby, I've been told to rest and must see the consultant again in two weeks. This might partially be why he's acting this way.

Is it really? Or are you hoping he cares.. because from where everyone else is sitting it looks like this pregnancy is an inconvenience for him. I don't mean that to sound mean - but if his behaviour was actually worse than this before you got pregnant (he has given up so much for you, after all, and now only goes out all night twice a week) then why are you blaming the stress of the pregnancy on his behaviour now?

My biggest fear is them telling me something is wrong with the pregnancy & then possibly losing my boyfriend too.

So you think if you weren't pregnant, he wouldn't be with you? Is that really the basis for a solid relationship?

OP - trust me -I went through a similar phase years ago with my husband, where my life changed, but his didn't really. I came to the realisation, that I spent my entire time hoping that he'd help more, and then getting more and more upset when I realised I was doing it all myself. So I decided that I was better off being a single parent, and knowing that it was all down to me, rather than being a single parent "in a relationship" and becoming resentful that even in a relationship it was all down to me.

Luckily we sorted through our problems, and he is now a wonderful father.

You cannot live your life for other people. You cannot stay in a relationship because your family would be upset if you were single. They'd be more upset if they realised what you are putting up with. You cannot stay in a relationship because he tells you he has given up so much for you... He is turning this around on you, like others have said he would.

He is a child, who has not grown up. Who has no intention of growing up. He wants to give up his job so he can enjoy his social life, and have you look after him, and his baby.

Well all make mistake in life. Being a single mother isn't the worst of them. Because it sounds like you will be a single mother anyway, just having the appearance of being in a relationship.

By the way - the morning sickness will eventually pass. It feels like it will never end, but it will. You will reach a time where you are feeling much better and better equipped to make decisions. Don't do anything hasty now. You have plenty of time. But think about everything, every single poster has said to you. This is your first time going through something like this, so of course you are unsure, afraid, nervous etc... Many posters here have seen it all before - and can tell you exactly what the different outcomes will be depending on what path you take.

There is no rush to make any decision. But in the end you have to do what is right for you not for everyone else.

Merkin

I'm in early pregnancy too and it is also my first so first of all congratulations to you I will tell you in no uncertain terms that you absolutely have to avoid stress at this time. You are so vulnerable and your little bubba needs a Mummy who is happy and relaxed because upset and worry for you is not good. For that reason I would weigh up which is more stressful for you. Being with someone who you can't rely on, who has shown you no love and support and who will ultimately let you down. Or making the decision to go it alone but being guaranteed familial and friends support knowing that they will love and nurture you for your pregnancy. I think it's a no brainer my love, this man is no good for you. Please mind yourself, your post has really upset me xx

Legs.Eleven

You poor thing, OP. No advice for you except I really think you need to tell your family what's happening. You can't face this alone. And please stop stating you're "whinging" and "moaning" or a "princess". You're not or are not doing any of these things and your feelings are 100% justified. Please tell your family.

Stavro Mueller

morningsickness wrote: »

Its not for fear of my safety but moreso him walking out on me.

If you felt secure in this relationship, you'd not be worried that he'd leave. Is this why you're putting up with all of this? The fear of losing him?

My family would be disgusted with me if I ended up having this baby alone. My dad said he'd feel much better about all of this if we would get married. I'm 25, he's 26.

OK, so your dad's old skool. I'd bet the farm that if he knew what was actually going on, he'd change his tune in a heartbeat.

Also as mad as it seems, I'd feel like I was letting my boyfriend down, anytime I've brought this stuff up he mentions about how much he's had to give up for me. These wild nights only happen about twice weekly now, it used to be more. He wants to leave his job too but I've asked him not to, because of the baby.

Well whoopdie doo. My heart bleeds for him. Any time a man and a woman have sex there's a risk of pregnancy. You didn't conjure up this baby (who I assume is unplanned) from thin air. He's just as responsible for it as you are. But you're the only person who seems to be showing any concern for junior.

As for the benders and giving up his job - what a nice mature sensible young man he is. :rolleyes:

I have a really good job but I'm broke between helping him with his loans & taking over rent the last little while. Now I'm relying on him for money until I get paid. I'd have been fine except I got a letter unexpectedly with that TV license bill a few days ago. So really, in regard to doing this alone, I'm afraid & I don't know where to start.

Oh dear god. You really have become this lad's doormat. He really landed on his feet when he moved in with you, didn't he?

The biggest thing though is that it's been touch & go the last few weeks with baby, I've been told to rest and must see the consultant again in two weeks. This might partially be why he's acting this way. My biggest fear is them telling me something is wrong with the pregnancy & then possibly losing my boyfriend too. It's too overwhelming.

Out of curiosity, has your boyfriend shown ANY interest at all in this baby? Has he supported you or helped you at all?

Please don't let your pride or the fear of being alone lead you down the road I fear you're heading. You owe it to your baby to give it the best life possible. While you're afraid of what your family's thinking, don't be afraid to turn to them for help. I've seen even the most conservative of parents change their minds when their little grandchild came along. Don't underestimate your family - it's far more likely they're going to step up to the plate than your deadbeat boyfriend.

dellas1979

You are in no way:
A whinger
Demanding
Morning sickness princess (where on earth did you get this from? Why would you call yourself this, when you are sick, quite sick, from carrying a child)

I am quite angry reading though your thread . This guy has no interest. NO interest in you, your well being. Or the childs well-being.

The pup is only interested in, SURPRISE SURPRISE, himself.

There are 2 options here:
1. Stay going the way ye are.
Or
2. Let the cat out of the bag, and tell the truth.

Your family wont understand, I hear you say? I think they darn will. You are not back 20/30 years ago (where your dad is) and get married for "appearances" and be stuck in a rotten, rotten relationship and endure it for "fear of what the neighbours will say".

Sittingpretty

You've been given fantastic advice here OP, not easy to hear but the consensus seems to be unanimous.

Can I also add, if you stay, and you think it's bad now, it will be a thousand times worse when the baby arrives.
New babies can put a strain on even the most solid, functioning relationships.

He needs to shape up NOW or you need to ship out.

LegacyUser

I couldn't read your post and not reply. I feel very sorry for you. You've been given some great advise here so I won't repeat it. I just want to say PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T MARRY HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you value yourself you won't stay with him and it will be much messier (legally) to split if you get married. Please don't do it.

From what you've written and how you've written it you come across as intelligent, thougthful and kind. You deserve much better than this loser. Going on all night benders twice a week??? No, definitely NOT normal for any productive member of society let alone a man with a pregnant partner to support. He wants to give up his job??? WTF?? I guess he wants you to fund him? Please do yourself a favour and dump him. There's not a jury in the land that would blame you for leaving him... so don't worry about what anyone would think, especially your parents. They would encourage you to leave if they knew what your partner was really like.

Please take care of yourself.

Chara1001

Hi op, I've read through the entire thread and i'm extremely concerned for you.

You need support right now, you're not getting it from the person you should be so please think seriously about talking to your family.

You've got to have a serious think about the type of household the baby will be born into.
Your partner is giving you zero support when you're so sick, do you think that when the baby arrives he's going to help changing, bathing, feeding, soothing, cuddling the little one? Or do you think he's going to get pissed off the baby disturbs him sleeping off the hangovers, so you're left with the sole care of a newborn, paying the rent, paying the bills, paying his loans, cooking, cleaning, washing and generally trying to keep things quiet so as not to wake him (the father, not the baby).
Op, its possible that you could in effect be a single mother with a baby and a giant toddler.

Being a single parent is sometimes the easier option believe it or not. I'm a single mother, the relationship with the baby's father broke down immediately after the birth, so i know very well what its like and its fine, its doable. Its not depressing, its not grim, there's no sense of failure or anything like it, but one of achievement.

Its one of the most important things in the world to do well and to be able to carry out that responsibility, you need to decide if you are better able to do it alone. The most important people to you should be your family, please please speak to them- they will be there to help you and that is what you need.

Another poster mentioned support groups for single parents- now i have looked for one for ages and have had no luck, however i would be totally willing to organise one if people were interested. I can't tell you how beneficial it is to speak to someone who knows exactly what you're going through.
There is a website: www.treoir.ie which will give you info about rights etc- very informative, and maybe you should contact Aim Family Services- a counselling center in Dublin (if you're from there). They're amazing.


Please take the best care of yourself, and do not let this disgrace of a boyfriend bring you any further down at this crucial time.

Best of luck, and massive congratulations:)

fungun

Also as mad as it seems, I'd feel like I was letting my boyfriend down, anytime I've brought this stuff up he mentions about how much he's had to give up for me. These wild nights only happen about twice weekly now, it used to be more. He wants to leave his job too but I've asked him not to, because of the baby.

I have a really good job but I'm broke between helping him with his loans & taking over rent the last little while. Now I'm relying on him for money until I get paid. I'd have been fine except I got a letter unexpectedly with that TV license bill a few days ago. So really, in regard to doing this alone, I'm afraid & I don't know where to start.

Er...what has he had to give up for you? You are paying his bills, you are sick; what exactly is he contributing? You are broke because of him, his loans, his rent, yet he still drinks. You have taken on the responsibilities, and as far as I can see he has taken on nothing, just drinks 'less' but still too much

I understand that you are afraid and dont want to do this alone, but from what you have said I genuinely think that you would be less worried & stressed without him than with him.


Take some time, talk to a friend. Take stock of the objective advice here. Dont let fear keep you in a relationship - once baby comes along, you need love and support, and he is offering no support, and is showing you very little love in my book

*hugs*

seosamh1980

Would you still be with him if you weren't pregnant? As in do you find his behaviour acceptable and attractive yourself, regardless of being pregnant by him?

Sounds to me like he is trying to make the situation so intolerable for you that you will be forced to dump him and leave, making you the guilty party, so none of it is his fault.

I would say whatever you do don't marry him but I really don't think that would be an issue as I'd say that would be the last thing he'd agree to.

kylith

You need to lay down the law here, OP. The all-night drinking sessions have to stop. You paying his bills and rent has to stop. Him skipping out on hospital appointments has to stop. He is a grown-ass man with a baby on the way and he needs to start acting like it. If you tell him this and he leaves then, to be blunt, that's not a bad thing. If he's happy to stay out all night when you're ill do you really think he's going to be there to feed the baby in the night? Will he be there to rock the child to sleep even when it's been crying for hours? What happens if you get PND? Do you really think he's going to step up, or will he just head down the pub with his mates?

Tell your family the truth about what's going on. Do you really think your father would encourage you to marry him if he knew that your BF went on 17 hour drinking sessions twice a week and refused to contribute financially?

Actually, I'm going to retract my first paragraph. Don't tell him to change or it's over, just tell him it's over. You will definitely be better off without him.

LegacyUser

I would have a serious chat with your parents and tell them what his happening.
If they don't live to far from where you work I would ask them could you move back home for a while until the baby is a few months old. This will give you a chance to save some money and give you the support you need at the moment.

Your under a lot of stress at the moment which is not good for you or the baby and you have been told by your doctor to rest.
You are beginning to see what boyfriend is really like and I have to be honest he won't change. He is making no effort to stop drinking, expects you to pay his rent ect and has told you he wants to give up his job despite knowing you are worried about about your pregnancy at the moment.

I would tell him that it is over between you but he can see the baby in the future. I would get legal advice and see if you can get x amount taken out of his salary each week or month to help towards the cost of the baby.
It may not be easy on your own but the reality is that he is unwilling to make any changes to his life for you at the moment. I would agree that a baby/child can put stress on any relationship but as parents you have to be willing and able to step up to what ever comes your way.

nkay1985

I'm not going to re-iterate all the good advice everyone's already given. I think that's all pretty obvious by now.

But just wanted to add that, although I can understand how fearful you'd be about having a baby on your own, I think you sound like you'd be just fine. You're obviously well-organised and have a good job. You're paying more than your share of two people's expenses so the financial side will be grand for you. And you sound like you're a really caring person - that's probably part of why you're having such a rough time of it with this guy - so your baby will be very lucky to have you as a mammy.

Do what's best for you and your baby. Have a very frank discussion explaining what you expect from him and don't listen to his crap about what he's "given up for you". If he's not willing to change, get rid. You'll be better off in the ling run.

ManOfMystery

As above, I don't want to re-iterate advice either. I would add though that having recently had a baby ourselves, myself and my wife are finding out just how stressful it is. We have a very good relationship and rarely fight but have still found ourselves bickering over things baby-related, mainly due (no doubt) to lack of sleep and other concerns.

My point is, this guy really has to step up to the mark. Even the most perfect relationships can get stressed when a baby arrives, so it's ten times worse for an imperfect relationship.

Also, next time he talks about what he's 'given up', give him a blue peter badge and say 'well done you' in your most patronising tone. Binge drinking twice a week isn't good at the best of times, and certainly not when a baby is coming. Asides from the complete waste of money which could be put to better uses, he's also physically useless for those 2 nights should you need him in an emergency. I gave up virtually all drink halfway through my wife's pregnancy just in case; I wasn't being a martyr, just being well prepared!

And he doesn't get points for reducing his alcohol intake too, as he's still drinking too much. If someone goes from being an asshole 7 days a week to 3 days a week, guess what? They're still an asshole.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, they have been a great source of support.
I know the advice I've received here is right, I just need to figure out where to start.
He got drunk again tonight after work, came back home at 3am in an awful mood. I have been suffering with pregnancy acne really badly around my chin and forehead and when he came in he woke me up to look at the spots and said he wanted to take me to a hospital right now to sort my face out. He said that people are looking at me these days because I look like this and that they'll think he's not taking care of me.

I explained that the doctor said it was hormones and really common but he doesn't believe me and he said I need to get std tests because there must be something wrong with me and he's afraid that I've ''infected him''. He told me to tell him how many men I've slept with. I only had one partner before him and that was my long, long term boyfriend. I don't know why he'd think that about me.
He said he wants to be on his own and that I've ruined him and he can't trust in me standing by him or where our relationship is going and that he had to leave the club early because of me. He punched the glass repeatedly and everytime I told him to stop he'd do it harder and tell me to ''shut my effin' mouth'' and tried to break the glass. He punched the pillow beside where I was lying and told me twice tonight that he hates me.

I cannot allow a baby to grow up thinking this is normal.

I find out at the end of next week if my little one is okay, and please God this time there'll be proper growth and a healthy sounding heartbeat. It's been the longest 11 weeks of my life. I don't know how I'll cope if my baby doesn't make it. I have never felt loneliness like this before.
I'll leave it here as I have to be up for work in 3 hours but thanks again for all of your advice.

strandroad

I'm so sorry for you OP. He is a horrible man and please distance yourself from him immediately to protect yourself and the baby. Turn to your family and friends for support, please don't be alone in this situation. I hope everything works out for you and you feel better once he's out of your sight.

username123

Op - you have to get out of that situation, as a matter of urgency. This guy is making very very threatening gestures and this business of punching the pillow next to you is very worrying. These are warning signs, please heed the warning and get out of that environment. Its not safe.

Please go to your family, right now, today and tell them that you have to move home, and tell them everything about what is going on with this guy.

Oryx

Phone your family, or a friend, and ask to stay with them. Do it today. Do not wait. You need to get away from him as a matter of urgency. You are not the problem in his life, but he is convincing himself that you are, and this will only continue to get worse.

Get out today. Please.

Sittingpretty

sleeplessagain wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, they have been a great source of support.
I know the advice I've received here is right, I just need to figure out where to start.
He got drunk again tonight after work, came back home at 3am in an awful mood. I have been suffering with pregnancy acne really badly around my chin and forehead and when he came in he woke me up to look at the spots and said he wanted to take me to a hospital right now to sort my face out. He said that people are looking at me these days because I look like this and that they'll think he's not taking care of me.

I explained that the doctor said it was hormones and really common but he doesn't believe me and he said I need to get std tests because there must be something wrong with me and he's afraid that I've ''infected him''. He told me to tell him how many men I've slept with. I only had one partner before him and that was my long, long term boyfriend. I don't know why he'd think that about me.
He said he wants to be on his own and that I've ruined him and he can't trust in me standing by him or where our relationship is going and that he had to leave the club early because of me. He punched the glass repeatedly and everytime I told him to stop he'd do it harder and tell me to ''shut my effin' mouth'' and tried to break the glass. He punched the pillow beside where I was lying and told me twice tonight that he hates me.

I cannot allow a baby to grow up thinking this is normal.

I find out at the end of next week if my little one is okay, and please God this time there'll be proper growth and a healthy sounding heartbeat. It's been the longest 11 weeks of my life. I don't know how I'll cope if my baby doesn't make it. I have never felt loneliness like this before.
I'll leave it here as I have to be up for work in 3 hours but thanks again for all of your advice.

Please leave. PLEASE.

Start packing a few bits n bobs and next night he goes out, be gone when he comes back.

He's an accident in the making, get out, keep you and your baby safe. Do NOT trust this man. He is disgusting.

All the very best of luck with your tests for baby

Raminahobbin

:eek: Big, big warning signs here, especially in your last post OP!

It sounds like you've reached the end of your tether with him, and I hope you have- for the child's sake, please remember what you have written here:

sleeplessagain wrote: »

I cannot allow a baby to grow up thinking this is normal.

Read it again and again. Protect yourself and this child from a life of stress (and probably more) and do whatever it takes to remove yourself from the situation.

ladygirl

Op
Please Please do not let yourself be in this environment for one minute longer.. Pack his bags and get him to leave - or just leave yourself..

You cannot allow a child to grow up in an environment like this..
You will never able to trust him to mind your child as unfortunately he looks as thought he is unable to look after himself..

Please move on with your life as your little baby deserves the very best start at life.

My sister could have wrote your story nearly 5 yrs ago. met a guy - fell pregnant in a few weeks..(my father also distraught) However this guy managed to keep up appearances until the baby was born.. Few days out of hospital he beat her up.. This wasn't the only instance.. Thankfully she left him.. She is now a single mother to the most beautiful little boy.. what is missing from my nephews life?? - nothing!!!! He has more than enough people around him who love him and care for him..

His "Sperm Donor" has absolutely nothing to do with him - which in our opinion is fantastic as he is a real nasty piece of work.. Sound extremely similar to your current partner..

Oh also he applied for access through the courts - it was granted,, However it only took a few months of this for him to realise that his son cramping his social life - so he stopped calling and collecting him.. The last contact he had was 3 years ago. BEST thing that has ever happened in our eyes!!!!

All the best of luck to you OP - but please put your welfare and that of your childs first..

PS - My fathers is also extreemely old fashioned - but trust me when I say - that as soon as your child is born he will melt on site of his grandchild,, My father and my nephew are now inseparable This is why I feel it best if you tell your family what you are going through. They will always have your best interest at heart

all the best to you and little baby xxx

Stavro Mueller

In a way it's good that this has happened. Because it confirms for you beyond a shred of doubt just what a nasty piece of work your boyfriend is. My fear was that you'd hang on in there for all the wrong reasons. I hope that last night has helped clarify things.

You've only been with this guy for 8 months and that's no length of time to get to know anyone properly. The mask has well and truly slipped and now you're getting to see the very ugly side to his character.

I couldn't agree more with the others. You need to get out of there and fast. Please talk to your family. Or if you can't bring yourself to do that yet, reach out to a friend. I genuinely fear for your safety. I don't want to put the frighteners on you but it wouldn't surprise me if he decided to punch you next time he comes home drunk and seething with resentment. Maybe he might even try and punch you in the stomach. That's what happened to a friend of mine years ago when she was pregnant and the father was an utter yob who didn't want the child. The baby was fine in the end thankfully but I'm just warning you. Your boyfriend has crossed the line into violence and that's quite a threshold.

I hope your little baba will be ok. While being a single mum isn't what you want you'll be fine. You sound like a lovely person and I'm sure you'll be a great mum. You will manage just fine without this violent drunken thug in your life.