Share our salaries?

Rory365

Hi

Was chatting to my other half tonight and we ended up having a row !

It was over what we would do financially when we are married (assuming we will get married which we very likely will). She expects that we would simply have one bank account and we would both put our own salaries into this account and pay bills/mortgage from there.

I got annoyed at this because I earn more money (not a huge amount mind) and to be honest I probably have better prospects going forward for earning more cash. I just expected that we would split mortgage and bills and likely I would pay proportionally more if I earned a lot more.

I don't mind being fair but I just prefer my independence too. I'm quite generous to her and she admits this herself. Not sure what other couples do? She said that every couple she knows put all of their salary into the one account. Maybe they do but I would be surprised - certainly my parents and my sister do not do that although they're from a bit of an older generation.

Like I would have a fair bit saved and she would have zero - does she expect me to simply relinquish this to her when she gets a ring?

Maybe I'm being mean? If so please say so.

Not sure.

Advice needed!

Thanks

Blingy

Just remember every household is different. There are no rules. Some people have one bank account and share everything and then there are others who this situation just doesn't suit.
A joint account and a set amount lodged to it every month by each of ye to cover bills and groceries is another option. Works very well for me.

I dont think it's worth having a big argument over....find a way that works for both of ye.

bnagrrl

My b/f and I have our own current accounts and a joint account. We pay a set amount each month in to the joint from which our mortgage/utilities/groceries etc are paid from. The rest of our salaries stays into our own current a/c to spend on ourselves whatever way we see fit e.g. savings, hobbies, socialising etc.

I think it's best to keep your finances relatively clear cut so you always know where you are. If all our monies went into the one account I'd find it difficult to keep track of what was needed for what.

December2012

We share it all, but we have similar attitudes to money. If my husband (who is the sole earner currently) asked me to spend less I would.

It's all about trust.

Big Bag of Chips

Once you get married, everything is "shared" in the eyes of the law!

My husband is 4 years older than me, so had 4 years headstart on me in the workforce. He was well paid and living at home. We bought a house together and he had €14,000 in the bank that he was able to use towards a deposit. We both got loans of €5,000 each to add to it, and that was our deposit. So my contribution was €5,000. His was €19,000! He never begrudged it. He saw it as 'our' house, thankfully.

Later on when he was made redundant, from a job he had been in less than 6 months, my wages paid the mortgage, bills, I even took out a debt consolidation loan from the credit union to pay off his loan and whatever credit card bill we had after furnishing the house. When we had our first child, I was the better paid one, so I went back to work and he stayed at home.. I again paid for the majority of things, including maintenance for his daughter from a previous relationship.

We got a joint bank account, before we were married because, for us, it made more sense.

Now I'm a stay at home parent, and he works. So once again we have one salary that both of us use.

Your post comes across slightly as if you think your gf is somehow trying to rip you off! As others said, joint accounts work for some, not for others. But if you are starting out thinking your gf is out to make a profit off you, then you have problems. You speak of having more money, and "better prospects" than your possible future wife. Does that matter when you get married to become "a partnership"?

Gordy6040

Rory365 wrote: »

Hi

Was chatting to my other half tonight and we ended up having a row !

It was over what we would do financially when we are married (assuming we will get married which we very likely will). She expects that we would simply have one bank account and we would both put our own salaries into this account and pay bills/mortgage from there.

I got annoyed at this because I earn more money (not a huge amount mind) and to be honest I probably have better prospects going forward for earning more cash. I just expected that we would split mortgage and bills and likely I would pay proportionally more if I earned a lot more.

I don't mind being fair but I just prefer my independence too. I'm quite generous to her and she admits this herself. Not sure what other couples do? She said that every couple she knows put all of their salary into the one account. Maybe they do but I would be surprised - certainly my parents and my sister do not do that although they're from a bit of an older generation.

Like I would have a fair bit saved and she would have zero - does she expect me to simply relinquish this to her when she gets a ring?

Maybe I'm being mean? If so please say so.

Not sure.

Advice needed!

Thanks

Yeah, don't fall for that, more then likely she's had this chat with her mate's / sisters etc.
have 2 bank accounts, one your salary gets paid into and one for house bills and shopping. No offense to her, but if just being hypothetical here ok. If you are more financially astute then it might be best not to give her access to all the funds. I'd be saying the opposite if the reverse was through so this comment isn't based on sexism.

Faith

I think there's a compromise to be had. My boyfriend and I recently discussed setting up a joint account and putting all our money in there, but we are too lazy to change over direct debits so we haven't bothered yet. I do think, after a certain point (say marriage) that it does become a real partnership. In my case, I have savings and he has nothing, so I'd be happy to contribute the lion's share to something like a mortgage or our wedding etc.

However. I do think people should also have their own money, for a rainy day if nothing else. Say you wanted to buy an expensive gadget, or she wanted to go on a massive shopping spree. People should have their own money aside that they can do what they like with. I haven't thought it out completely, but I'd like to go for something like 50% of each of our salaries into a joint account, and keeping 50% in our own respective accounts*. That's the best of both worlds, IMO.

*In the event that one of you is not working for whatever reason, the joint account would then be the main one so you're both splitting one salary.

Sheldons Brain

I'd be more worried about an adult with no savings, it suggests an immaturity.

Rory365

So there seems to be no hard and fast rule.....

To be honest I didn't want it to come across that she might be trying to rip me off. I just got annoyed that she got annoyed when I didn't just agree to it without any discussion.

Like she's not the best saver in the world at all.

It just worries me. Please don't reply saying I'm only interested in money - I'm just quite practical. Would prefer to keep things somewhat separate to have that bit of independence.

mustlove everyone

Sheldons Brain wrote: »

I'd be more worried about an adult with no savings, it suggests an immaturity.

It doesn't surprise me in the slightest. The majority of my friends have decimated their savings after losing jobs.

_Kaiser_

mustlove everyone wrote: »

It doesn't surprise me in the slightest. The majority of my friends have decimated their savings after losing jobs.

+1.. there are many people out there barely able to cover the monthly bills at the minute, never mind save - and if they were (or are) unemployed for a while then anything that was put away will be rapidly depleted as, contrary to common opinion, bills and debts don't just disappear along with your job and salary (been there, done that.. still dealing with it)

OP I'd go with a joint a/c and you both transfer money into it for bills, but ideally you should also trust and be open enough with each other too to be flexible if something unexpected arises that one side can't cover.

It will (or should) all even out in the end anyway - and not just in raw monetary terms

Ah_Yeah

I know that some posters seem to think that this is about trust, or a partnership, but personally, I am a realist. I am very happy with my OH and if we were to marry, I would certainly trust him with my money, and I am not protective over my salary - it would be ours if we were married. However, if we were to split, I would always like to know that I had my own money to support myself in the immediate term while we got the joint financials sorted. It's just pure practicality. Additionally, I would not be able to keep track of money or spends if they were joint, and if I wanted to buy a big ticket item e.g. laptop, I would like to know that I could "afford" it and not feel guilty for digging into my OHs hard earned cash.

As one poster mentioned, it's down to the individual. Personally, it wouldn't be for me, but I'm 100% for a joint account whereby X amount is lodged every month and that is used for all joint expenses, and possibly a joint savings account for a rainy day. I just like to know that I have a pool of my own cash should I ever need it.

OP, maybe it is how you worded your take on this to your OH. Perhaps sit her down and explain gently that you would like to have your own savings so that you could use it to buy personal items, but you like the idea of a joint account where you both lodged money every month? That may help to clear things up for her, as she may just feel right now that you don't want to share anything with her.

thegreatgonzo

I think you are being reasonable OP, after all you did say that would pay proportionately more towards the bills as you earn more.

deisemum

Rory365 wrote: »

So there seems to be no hard and fast rule.....

To be honest I didn't want it to come across that she might be trying to rip me off. I just got annoyed that she got annoyed when I didn't just agree to it without any discussion.

Like she's not the best saver in the world at all.

It just worries me. Please don't reply saying I'm only interested in money - I'm just quite practical. Would prefer to keep things somewhat separate to have that bit of independence.

It does come across that you don't trust her when it comes to sharing money and see her as someone who might be using you for more money. If you want to keep things separate and maintain your independence then don't get married or cohabit for more than 5 years as already mentioned legally everything is shared.

While you earn more money than her at present that might not always be the case, what if you lost your job or have an accident or illness and cannot work and hadn't enough money to pay your 50% would you like her to see you as you currently see her?

What if she had a big windfall and wanted to do something really extravagent and held your 50% view and you couldn't afford your "share".

Having children often has a very negative impact on a woman's earning power. What would you do when children come along and her income is reduced?

Most if not all of my friends who are married have joint accounts. When I got married my husband earned more than me, over the years I've earned more than him at times plus I got a very big lump sum at one stage and used that to put down a deposit of over 1/3 the value of our house. I didn't see it as just my money and expect him to cough up an equal amount. Both of us have a similiar view on money and how we spend it.

iusedtoknow

Since we were married my wife and I put our finances into one pot. It was the most practical solution for us. We currently have 5 accounts. Seems a bit much I know, but there you go. I entered the marriage with around 4000 in savings, she did with over 30000 thanks to an inheritance. The day before we got married, our savings went into one account - it became "ours".

Now, we each have a "private" account, joint current, joint savings. We each get our salaries into the private accounts. I transfer the bulk of my salary over to the current account, she transfers the bulk of hers over to the savings. What ever is left over in the current at the end of each pay period is transferred to our savings. We each keep some back for presents/surprises etc.
This works for us purely because at the moment, I earn twice what she does. We survive pretty damn well off my salary and use hers to save for a rainy day. We're lucky.
It also works for us, as we both see it as our money. I don't care if she goes off and spends something from the joint - she is not irresponsible (far from it) and neither am I. We have a set amount that we can spend before we have to discuss it. We see it all as our own. At the moment, I out-earn her. In a year or so, she'll be at an equal level, and then in 2 years she'll be surpassing me, and will continue to do so for a few years. That will change only the amount we're saving every year - nothing more.

However, I also know that my sister and her husband, very happily married with 2 kids and a house manage their finances pretty much separately.

Different strokes for different folks. You aren't wrong or right, however you do need to find a way for you as a couple to manage your money that you are both happy with.

thegreatgonzo

deisemum wrote: »

. Both of us have a similiar view on money and how we spend it.

I get the impression that's not the case with the OP.
I have a friend who's a great person in loads of ways but she is absolutely awful with money. It's always left up to her husband to pay for everything and she doesn't seem to see that it's unfair that she spends pretty much all of her own money on herself even though he isn't earning that much either. If I found myself in that situation I would not be comfortable with all my earnings going into a joint account that would lead to an argument every time the statement came.
As deisemum pointed out though, if you do have kids or she stops working for whatever reason it would be very demoralising for her not to have access to any joint account.

Ah_Yeah

deisemum wrote: »

It does come across that you don't trust her when it comes to sharing money and see her as someone who might be using you for more money. If you want to keep things separate and maintain your independence then don't get married or cohabit for more than 5 years as already mentioned legally everything is shared.

Bit harsh there. Not everything is black and white, and it doesn't have to be "share all your money with me or don't bother being with me at all". There are many ways to share money without putting all your money into one account. My mother and her partner have private accounts and a joint and they have been together for 19 years.

deisemum wrote: »

While you earn more money than her at present that might not always be the case, what if you lost your job or have an accident or illness and cannot work and hadn't enough money to pay your 50% would you like her to see you as you currently see her?

What if she had a big windfall and wanted to do something really extravagent and held your 50% view and you couldn't afford your "share".

You seem to be taking this out of context - the OP is merely concerned about sharing all of his salary in a joint account - not witholding all of his funds. It's easy to share your salary with someone should they need it, in a joint account, from your private account. Technology advancements have made that possible in 24 hours or less now.

deisemum wrote: »

WhileHaving children often has a very negative impact on a woman's earning power. What would you do when children come along and her income is reduced?

You're very much tarring women with one brush here, and not taking into account a significant number of women who earn the same, if not more, than they did before they had children. I know of no employer that reduces female employees salary after they've had children. That's a significant generalisation. I'd have a think about that one again.

deisemum wrote: »

IMost if not all of my friends who are married have joint accounts. When I got married my husband earned more than me, over the years I've earned more than him at times plus I got a very big lump sum at one stage and used that to put down a deposit of over 1/3 the value of our house. I didn't see it as just my money and expect him to cough up an equal amount. Both of us have a similiar view on money and how we spend it.

First of all, the OP has already indicated that his gf does not have the same view as he does on money and how to spend it. Second of all, I don't think sharing the money is the issue, it's more the sharing of all of his money.

December2012

What might work is if you each contributed the same percentage of your income into a joint ac for joint bills like mortgage, and then all of the solo things (hairdressers, clothes, etc) come out if your solo accounts.

keithclancy

Joint account for Joint expenses.
Personal account for personal expenses.

Nothing to do with whats mine is mine, its purely so you can make a purchasing decision without having to consult the other person safe in the knowledge that all the bills/mortgage etc is covered.

Neyite

OP
we pool everything. You'd be horrified with us because I routinely take cash out of his wallet to do grocery shopping or take his atm card or credit card. Sometimes I might let him know, but by now he knows that I will take what I need and withdraw enough to cover this. I pay most of the big bills out of my salary so we work off his then for day to day cash. We have each others pin numbers, and use them regularly. But that works because there is utter trust there. He knows I dont waste money, in fact I'm pretty thrifty,

But, our salaries go into our own accounts. So does anyone elses I know. They might transfer a % amount to a joint account for household expenses and bills, but they have their own accounts.

What I would suggest is:
you each have your own salary account (and your own savings account if you like)
You have a joint account with debit card - rent/mortgage, electricity, heat, sky/upc, food shopping, household furnishings all to come out of that one. work out an average and add on a bit more as a contingency. You can pay proportionally into that if you like.
Have a joint savings account - ours is with the credit union, and only in exceptional circumstances is that plundered, and then only with our mutual agreement.

Bear in mind though, if she was to go on maternity leave in the future, you lose her income and the statutory amount might leave you short so she cant be expected to put in her share if she has no income.

nc19

The best thing to do imo is keep it seperate

We have done it like that since we bought the house in '05

My wife earns a lot more than i do but i have no interest in combining wages.

She pays for the weekly shop and the utilities and i pay life insurance and the considerable loan we took out on my cu account for a new kitchen. The mortgage is pretty much 50/50

Nobody looking at the other when they buy a new top or a ps game thinking 'i paid for that!'

SurferRosa

My husband and I share everything in one bank account. The kids' savings account is in my name as he was not there when I opened it. He can see the account online though.
I never thought twice about it. Most of my friends have separate accounts with their partners, and I can totally understand why this suits some. We just find it easier to have all our money in the one place. We earn similar amounts (me slightly more), but I do tend to spend more. That said I don't buy myself clothes (non essentials) without at least letting my husband know. He's the same with me. I guess like someone said, we both have similar outlooks on money, so it suits us.
If one of us was careless with money, and riddled with debt, I don't think I'd be so quick to share, I guess there's no right or wrong answer. In your case it probably would work best if you both have a joint account into which you pay a set amount each month, and use that to pay for bills. That way you don't loose control over your money.
Oh, and we're always routing around each others purse/wallet when we need change. We let the other person know when we've taken something, neither of us mind this at all!

username123

We keep our finances separate. We earn very different amounts and have very different amounts in savings.

Recently due to a change in circumstance I have taken control of both of our finances in the sense that I plan out and oversee who pays what each month - the higher earner pays more.

We keep a "household fund" jar that we use to cover unexpected household stuff like a broken hoover etc...

I dont think Id go the full joint account route, but I do like the idea of a joint account that we put a set amount into each month.

wallycharlo

Blingy wrote: »

...A joint account and a set amount lodged to it every month by each of ye to cover bills and groceries is another option...

+1

Myself and my girlfriend do exactly this, and it works very well. We like having our own accounts which we can spend from without having to consult the other, etc.

helimachoptor

Long before myself and my wife married we had a joint account.

Basically my wages are transferred in, that pays all of our bills and some is saved.

Her wages provide our "spending money" for the month along with savings and extra cash is needed for a one off purchase then it comes from this.

It has worked pretty well for quite a few years and we have managed to save multiples of what we'd have saved if we had separate accounts.

At various times in our relationship one was earning more than the other, but generally she was earning not much more than me and I was earning significantly more than me.

However i would imagine in the next number of months, she'll get a promotion and go to be earning more than me.

LegacyUser

When we were first married we changed nothing financially, just kept our same separate accounts, each paying a bit here and there but not really keeping an eye on who does what.
But we had separate salaries paid into separate accounts and worked like that for a good 5 years or so.
A long time after we had children, and all the money had morphed into one big pile we simply formalised the arrangement once we were both very well used to it, and changed to one account with two cards. Works fine either way.
Only problem is where one may not trust the other, you have to go into a marriage knowing it's a trust arrangement in more ways than one! It's 'all in' as such!

Hannibal Smith

If you're entering into a marriage with the mentality of having separate bank accounts for separate earnings because you earn more, or for squirreling money away in case you break up, then I don't see the point in marrying at all. Why would you want to join together in a legal union when you can't even join your finances?

Maybe I'm more old fashioned in my views than I like to think, but after 18 years together, 6 years of marriage and 2 kids there's really no you and me between us anymore.

Chattastrophe!

My boyfriend and I have a joint account which we both pay an equal amount into each month. This covers rent, bills, groceries, household things, basically any shared expenses.

Our salaries are paid into our own individual bank accounts. I think it will always be that way. I can't imagine ever not having MY own money, that I can spend or save or do whatever I want with.

An example - "we" are quite broke at the moment, in that our joint account balance is lower than usual, due to moving house recently, and we're still awaiting return of a deposit from our old place. However I was able to guiltlessly go and get myself a nice pedicure last night, along with splashing out on some nice makeup, as my own personal finances are relatively healthy right now.

Now, I would absolutely hate to have to deny myself those sort of treats, or have to ask "permission" for them, if I was paying for them with "our" money. Similarly, I wouldn't be comfortable with my boyfriend using money that was partly mine to buy computer games etc.

We'd never leave each other short, and we're not fussy about counting the pennies when it comes to who pays for what. And I can see us pooling even more of our income in the future, particularly as we've a baby due soon.

However I'm always going to want to have MY bit of money, to spend as I choose, no questions asked! I work hard to earn my money, I think I'd find it hard to motivate myself at work if my wages were just being sunk into "our" account.

Every couple is different, by I know that fully combining our finances is not something I'd ever feel comfortable with.

Big Bag of Chips

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

Now, I would absolutely hate to have to deny myself those sort of treats, or have to ask "permission" for them, if I was paying for them with "our" money. Similarly, I wouldn't be comfortable with my boyfriend using money that was partly mine to buy computer games etc.

Jaysus!! I'm reading through some of the replies and people saying they wouldn't like to have to ask permission to spend money - I must be awful! I spend money all the time! I buy things that I want (not necessarily need!) I visit the hairdressers, beautician occasionally etc, and have NEVER asked my husband's "permission" to do so... I haven't had my own income for about 3 years!!

OP - you say it is looking likely that you will get married. But you don't want "to simply relinquish [your savings] to her when she gets a ring" I find that quite disrespectful to be honest! And like it or not, once she "gets a ring", she owns half of everything!!

We knew pretty soon after getting together that we were going to get married. We had actually bought and moved into our own house within 5 months of getting together. Him putting much much more money into the house than I did, at that point. But from that day we became a partnership.

At times both of us worked (and had separate accounts) at times only one of us worked - but never, ever, ever have either of us asked permission from the other to buy something! We obviously discuss big price items, and whether or not we need it/should wait (we still don't have a proper kitchen for example!) but for day to day spending on things that aren't shopping or bills etc I don't feel the need to ask his permission as if it's his money. It's our money - We are a partnership. Same way as when I was working and he wasn't it was still our money and he didn't ask my permission to spend it on things he might have wanted!

John Mason

myself and my husband have separate current and savings accounts.

i owned my own house when we meet. he pays a set amount each month into my bills account.

we also have a joint saving account, which we do not touch. it contains our wedding gift money and is only to be used in an emergency e.g. roof blowing off.

everyone is different. you need to find out what works for you. personally, i wouldnt feel safe without access to my own money. you never know when you need to run away:cool:

meeeeh

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Jaysus!! I'm reading through some of the replies and people saying they wouldn't like to have to ask permission to spend money - I must be awful! I spend money all the time! I buy things that I want (not necessarily need!) I visit the hairdressers, beautician occasionally etc, and have NEVER asked my husband's "permission" to do so... I haven't had my own income for about 3 years!!

OP - you say it is looking likely that you will get married. But you don't want "to simply relinquish [your savings] to her when she gets a ring" I find that quite disrespectful to be honest! And like it or not, once she "gets a ring", she owns half of everything!!

We knew pretty soon after getting together that we were going to get married. We had actually bought and moved into our own house within 5 months of getting together. Him putting much much more money into the house than I did, at that point. But from that day we became a partnership.

At times both of us worked (and had separate accounts) at times only one of us worked - but never, ever, ever have either of us asked permission from the other to buy something! We obviously discuss big price items, and whether or not we need it/should wait (we still don't have a proper kitchen for example!) but for day to day spending on things that aren't shopping or bills etc I don't feel the need to ask his permission as if it's his money. It's our money - We are a partnership. Same way as when I was working and he wasn't it was still our money and he didn't ask my permission to spend it on things he might have wanted!

We have separate accounts but in principle our arrangements the same. I buy groceries, bills and pay for day to day expenses and so on. He pays mortgage. Considering the situation at the moment our money could even become business money. It's no big deal. I really don't think it matters what kind of arrangements you have, it's why you havs them. If you want separate account because you want some freedom fine, if you want separate accounts because you earn more and should be entitled to more spending/saving money then I think your priorities are wrong.

Holsten

Have your own account, and then your joint relationship account.

You would be mental to have all your money in just one pot accessible by another person.

Chucky the tree

Holsten wrote: »

Have your own account, and then your joint relationship account.

You would be mental to have all your money in just one pot accessible by another person.

You'd be far more mental to marry someone who you don't trust with your money.

Neyite

Just because you pool your money, does not mean that you ask permission to spend it. I never have. I might let him know that I'll need money for X during the week, or give each other the heads up that a big payment like car tax is due. But neither of us ask permission to spend family money. He trusts me to make good decisions budgeting and spending and vice versa.

If either party needs to ask permission to spend money, then there is a far bigger problem in the relationship imo.

Holsten

You'd be far more mental to marry anyone in my view.

Having two types of accounts is just a small way to cover yourself, it's being realistic. What is the stat, 50% of marriages fail... and when they do people do things you wouldn't have thought they could have ever done.

Neyite

Holsten wrote: »

You'd be far more mental to marry anyone in my view.

Having two types of accounts is just a small way to cover yourself, it's being realistic. What is the stat, 50% of marriages fail... and when they do people do things you wouldn't have thought they could have ever done.

Its irrelevant who has what after a marriage split though. Assets are divided and shared, and pre-nups have no legal standing in Ireland.

Rory365

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Jaysus!! I'm reading through some of the replies and people saying they wouldn't like to have to ask permission to spend money - I must be awful! I spend money all the time! I buy things that I want (not necessarily need!) I visit the hairdressers, beautician occasionally etc, and have NEVER asked my husband's "permission" to do so... I haven't had my own income for about 3 years!!

OP - you say it is looking likely that you will get married. But you don't want "to simply relinquish [your savings] to her when she gets a ring" I find that quite disrespectful to be honest! And like it or not, once she "gets a ring", she owns half of everything!!

We knew pretty soon after getting together that we were going to get married. We had actually bought and moved into our own house within 5 months of getting together. Him putting much much more money into the house than I did, at that point. But from that day we became a partnership.

At times both of us worked (and had separate accounts) at times only one of us worked - but never, ever, ever have either of us asked permission from the other to buy something! We obviously discuss big price items, and whether or not we need it/should wait (we still don't have a proper kitchen for example!) but for day to day spending on things that aren't shopping or bills etc I don't feel the need to ask his permission as if it's his money. It's our money - We are a partnership. Same way as when I was working and he wasn't it was still our money and he didn't ask my permission to spend it on things he might have wanted!

Well no, I fully view those savings as my own even if we got married even though if we got divorced and the law is that it's half hers. We both earned similar money in a similar career up to this point and I was always a saver and she was not. So I don't see why I would ever just automatically give her half of that - i didn't question what she did with her money when I didn't know her so why would she expect half of what I've built up myself (I don't think she does at all btw - I'm just responding to your point). Of course me paying for her ring will come out of that as well as other expenses like half a house deposit etc. And if she ever needed help for whatever reason I would of course help her out. Maybe I'm totally off here. It doesn't just become her money in my eyes. Just like I wouldn't view hers as mine. Like we have agreed not to buy a house until she has her half saved which she is well on the way to doing. When we are married it won't be 50/50 like that - I know I'll be paying more of the mortgage, bills etc and yes, realize I/ we are a team and will help each other out when we aren't working/on maternity leave etc. I just feel for a house deposit we should both contribute half esp considering we are on similar money now.

Rory365

And she agrees with that logic btw! I guess I'm the financial guy in the relationship - it prob sounds like I am a control freak. I think I'm just more carful than she is as I remember a time when I had no money and I hated that feeling so I'm very prudent these days!! I guess most relationships are like that - one is carefree and one totally the opposite.

jester77

It depends on the individuals. I've 5 or 6 personal accounts and a joint account. All house bills come out of the joint account. What I do notice is that the money from the joint account is more loosely spent. Whereas either of us may be more cautious with what is in our personal accounts, when it comes to the joint account there is not as much caution given to expenditures.

username123

OP, you don't sound like you are ready for marriage tbh. It's a joining of assets AND liabilities. There is no "what's mine is mine".

If one of you couldn't work for some reason the other would be supporting them. That's marriage. If you needed to pay for an operation for your wife, and the only savings were YOUR savings, that's what you would be using.

Whatever about the practicalities of joint accounts versus individual accounts, as a married couple all earnings and assets belong to the 'household'.

If you are not ready for that then you should think carefully before committing to marriage.

wallycharlo

I do not agree with the conclusion being drawn by some that this should be taken as a sign somehow that the OP may not be ready for marriage.

One statement from the OP stands out to me in particular:

Rory365 wrote: »

... We both earned similar money in a similar career up to this point and I was always a saver and she was not...

Sounds like a very fair point to me.

Where is the OP saying that he would not support his girl if she fell on hard times, etc? Or that he would not pay for any necessary medical treatment? You don't need to have your money bundled together in one joint account to make this happen.

If my own partner fell on hard times be it health wise etc I would not think twice about emptying my savings account in order to help her out, and I know that she would do the same for me. It still does not change the fact though that it's more practical and indeed fair to have seperate accounts, in conjunction with a joint account.

Fabric Softener

I'm married and we both have our personal accounts and a joint account. The mortgage, creche fees, utilities etc are paid out of the joint account. We both agreed a set amounts that we have to put in the joint account every month.

I personally need to have my personal accounts as I love saving. Call me sad but its true. When I put in extra effort to be frugal I want to see the reward of my savings rise. I don't want them to be eaten away by my wife's expensive coffee habit or by the expensive clothes she buys.

My attitude is that we can both spend our money how we want so long as we respect our commitments to the joint account. For me personally I don't feel comfortable without a comfortable cushion of savings behind me.

Queen-Mise

OP - you are deluding yourself if you think a judge would side with you that savings you had before you got married are yours alone. Everything is split.
It actually sounds school yard-y to me - this is my toy and not yours.


We have a joint a/c - I couldn't deal with a whole load of complications with extra a/c's. Everything goes in to the one pot. I supported him through college and he is supporting me though college and rearing kids.

Neither of us have ever both been working at the same time - so roll on a couple of years when we have two incomes coming in.

Gordy6040

Rory365 wrote: »

And she agrees with that logic btw! I guess I'm the financial guy in the relationship - it prob sounds like I am a control freak. I think I'm just more carful than she is as I remember a time when I had no money and I hated that feeling so I'm very prudent these days!! I guess most relationships are like that - one is carefree and one totally the opposite.

there is usually one person in a relationship that manages the money, makes sure the bills are paid etc. In your relationship, thats obviously going to be you. I don'd see what all the fuss is about tbh. You look after planning and financing, your other half will bring her strenghts to bear where they are relevant. Personally, I thing you are correct in keeping your savings, call it a rainy day fund or what ever you like. If its important to you it should be respected.

P. Breathnach

I don't think the banking arrangements a couple make are very important: it's a matter of what is convenient for them.

What does matter is the attitudes that might underlie the arrangements. If a person wants to hold on to "my own money" with little regard to "our money", that misses the point of a committed relationship.

Herself and I spend as we like from a joint account. If either of us wants a big-ticket item, there is an informal consultation ("I think I would like to get a new laptop; is that okay?"). It works for us because our attitudes to spending are fairly similar.

OP has a particular concern: that his intended is more extravagant than he is. I think that is the real issue, rather than banking arrangements. If they are going to live in community (that's what marriage is about) they need to find a financial policy that is fair to both.

I quite dislike the idea of the members of a marital partnership having different standards of living. It's something I have seen in the past (it's less common now, from what I can observe) and it's not something that I would recommend.

Fabric Softener

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I don't think the banking arrangements a couple make are very important: it's a matter of what is convenient for them.

What does matter is the attitudes that might underlie the arrangements. If a person wants to hold on to "my own money" with little regard to "our money", that misses the point of a committed relationship.

Herself and I spend as we like from a joint account. If either of us wants a big-ticket item, there is an informal consultation ("I think I would like to get a new laptop; is that okay?"). It works for us because our attitudes to spending are fairly similar.

OP has a particular concern: that his intended is more extravagant than he is. I think that is the real issue, rather than banking arrangements. If they are going to live in community (that's what marriage is about) they need to find a financial policy that is fair to both.

I quite dislike the idea of the members of a marital partnership having different standards of living. It's something I have seen in the past (it's less common now, from what I can observe) and it's not something that I would recommend.

I'd bet the two of you would be better off financially though if you had your own individual accounts too.

iusedtoknow

Gordy6040 wrote: »

there is usually one person in a relationship that manages the money, makes sure the bills are paid etc. In your relationship, thats obviously going to be you. I don'd see what all the fuss is about tbh. You look after planning and financing, your other half will bring her strenghts to bear where they are relevant. Personally, I thing you are correct in keeping your savings, call it a rainy day fund or what ever you like. If its important to you it should be respected.

?

I don't think many couples have a "manager" of money. I would hate it if i was disenfranchised from money , as would my wife. We both work damn hard for our cash, and both know what bills go out and when.

A friend of mine, his father would come home on a Friday and hand the money to the wife - nothing screams control and lack of trust to me more than that.

Paddy Cow

OP I see your point. You both earn similar wages yet you are the only one who saves. If you have a joint account, will the savings go? This really is something you have to sort out before you get married. If you do like others and have a joint account for bills (and you have said you would pay proportionally so you are not being a stingy fecker) and keep the rest of your disposable income to spend or save how you both see fit, then it could work.

You are both heading for disaster if you think this will magically sort itself once you are married. You will feel resentful that she is frittering away your savings and she will feel resentful that she has to feel bad for spending money.

Gordy6040

iusedtoknow wrote: »

?

I don't think many couples have a "manager" of money. I would hate it if i was disenfranchised from money , as would my wife. We both work damn hard for our cash, and both know what bills go out and when.

A friend of mine, his father would come home on a Friday and hand the money to the wife - nothing screams control and lack of trust to me more than that.

That's not really what I meant. I'm not talking about handing over money never to see it again. I'm talking about taking responsibility to make sure that the bills are paid and that (if possible) there is a few €€ in a savings account.

Meller

I think you're wrong, OP. Are you planning to buy yourself nice things and go on expensive holidays, and not let your wife share in it?! What do you want to do with your money that you don't want her to have? Just because she earns less she doesn't get as many things as you...?

Everyone is different, so it's nobody else's place to decide, but in my personal opinion I don't understand why you're getting married if you're worried about something like this. You want to share your life with her, but not your money? Which one is the more important thing?!

If she's excessively reckless or careless with money, then that's something you need to talk about and resolve. If this is a minor issue, I would encourage you to still share your salaries. You have to take the rough with the smooth... you're agreeing to get married, the last thing you want is to be bickering or creating tension over something like a minor financial issue. If she's spending a bit more than you, does it really matter?

hsianloon

There's the argument that we know it's heading to happiness etc so it shouldn't matter but at the same time were all pragmatic beings and it's best to separate things.

Especially if there's a large income disparity. What if she starts drawing out loads. You're going to get pissed offed eventually. If she's going to be the house minder, which she might being the one earning less, best just give her money to manage the house, keep the rest and forget combined accounts etc