Please Help: 4 years after separation

elnino1977

My wife and I separated 4 years ago and still the pain of it is unbearable. I still love her with all my heart and would do anything to be back with her, but it's to no avail , she is seeing somebody else and it breaks my heart.

I know people are saying grow up, man up and there is plenty more fish in the sea but I can't control my emotions and feelings. I cry for her, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of her, she is on my mind all of the time and as much as I try I just can't get her out of my head. The pain I have in my heart and the sickly feeling I have in my stomach just won't go. I am at my wits end, depressed, and can't even manage a smile. I feel like curling up in a dark corner and just going to sleep. I am not suicidal, we have a 5 year old child together and I couldn't do that to the child and even though I try to put all my energy into my child it doesn't help with the utter despair and pain I am feeling.

Does the pain ever go away? Will I ever ever have them feelings of utter happiness again? Does anybody know anyone who was separated this long and they somehow got back together.

I don't want to go on any medication for this but I am totally lost and devastated.
I am not really sure why I am posting this, I guess I am just still mad about her and the pain is so bad and I don't know what to do anymore,

dr ro

Sorry for the bluntness but You need to move on. Accept that it's over then move on.

RachaelVO

dr ro is right, you do need to move on...

You're not just describing heart break, you seem to me to be describing depression. That doesn't always have to be treated with medication either, talk to your doctor.

hawkwind23

i went travelling for a few months , 'twas great
move on means getting your mindset right.
best bit of advice that someone gave me was that in a few years i would reckon it was the best thing ever happened me.
at the time i mulled over that and not one ounce of me could ever imagine it but it happened in spades

like everything else , all in the mind , its whatever you want it to be.
get over it , if you really love your ex let her do her thing and be happy.
youve a child , get your act together for the child and yourself.
life is beautiful , get out there and open your eyes

Firedance

elnino1977, firstly, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down and heartbroken. Separation, like any problem is different for everyone and people cope in different ways. Do you feel that you could talk to someone about all of this? As someone else has suggested your doctor initially maybe or if you're not comfortable with that, a counselor?. Support is always helpful and we can be very bad at looking for it when needed.

jms2013

OP she's moved on, you need to do the same. Go see your GP,you say you don't want to take meds but no shame in it,even if you agreed to try them for a few months. You can move on,you just have to take the first step.

elnino1977

Thank you everyone for your replies it is appreciated. Firstly I know she has moved on and I have to do the same. I tell myself this everyday but I can't help the way I feel , the pain just won't go away no matter how hard I am trying to convince myself.

I don't choose to be like this , I don't want to spend every waking minute thinking of her, I don't want to wake up crying over her but yet it still happens.

I will go and talk to somebody like a counsellor to see if it helps but believe me I will try anything. 4 years down the line I thought after time things would get better but they haven't. Yes I know I am going on like a big baby to some of you but that is just they way it is.

Thank you to everybody again!!

desbrook

My first thought when I read your post was how have things gone in practical terms since the break up ? Are you seeing your five year old regularly OP ? how are you managing financially ? Are you happy in your accommodation . All that kind of stuff . Before I'm accused of being heartless I think your practical circumstance could well be affecting your mood .

You mention getting back together - STOP now . You need to accept it isn't going to happen . Change your life in every way you can apart from caring for your child . Change your wallpaper/hairstyle/wardrobe career if necessary ! Tommorow really is the start of the rest of your life if you make it so .

dark crystal

OP, I was in a similar situation to you when I separated from my fiance and father of my children. After 2 years, I was still utterly heartbroken and couldn't accept we weren't together any more. It's worse when you have to see them continually because of the children as well. My self esteem was on the floor.

I went to see a councellor about it when I realised these feelings weren't going away and it really helped to talk about it to someone removed from the situation. He also suggested I could be suffering from depression and I went to the GP and was prescribed anti depressants which also helped a lot.
Within a few months, the situation had improved immensly and I had moved on, took better care of my own needs and within a year had found my (now) fiance and realise breaking up with my ex was the best thing that ever happened to me, as I found someone else who I love to bits, who loves me to bits back.

It will get better - you just have to find the strength to talk about it and get the help you need. Best of luck to you

RachaelVO

elnino1977 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies it is appreciated. Firstly I know she has moved on and I have to do the same. I tell myself this everyday but I can't help the way I feel , the pain just won't go away no matter how hard I am trying to convince myself.

I don't choose to be like this , I don't want to spend every waking minute thinking of her, I don't want to wake up crying over her but yet it still happens.

I will go and talk to somebody like a counsellor to see if it helps but believe me I will try anything. 4 years down the line I thought after time things would get better but they haven't. Yes I know I am going on like a big baby to some of you but that is just they way it is.

Thank you to everybody again!!

I'm glad to read you're going to look for someone to talk to, saying it outloud, finding ways to cope will make a difference. I wish you tonnes of luck

elnino1977

Desbrook, Dark Crystal & RachaelVO thanks very much for your kind words it really means a lot. Let me address some of the issue’s you have brought up but in parts if I am vague it’s more to protect identities

I do not work because a few years ago I nearly died and had an 8 hour operation to save my life. I had a good job before that but this illness came out of the blue. I spent over 9 months in hospital before I got back home and have had minor operations for the same issue since. I am also on over 20 tablets a day for the rest of my life because of this but believe me I am very grateful I am alive even though the likelihood of me working again is very slim.

My wife and I had a 4 bedroom house and everything in it which we bought together. When we separated I said the house could stay with her and the kids( she has other kids, just one with me) so as they would have a stable home. I had an insurance policy which pays the mortgage each month that I am out sick but there is also 180 euro rented equity to be paid each month on the house which I have paid every month. I also hand over half my disability each week to my wife.

So I am basically back in my Mam’s and I all I left with were the clothes on my back, everything else she has. She pays nothing for the house yet gets to live there with the kids and her fellow lives there half the week too. I am the only paying anything towards the house. I had my child every Tues/Wed and all weekend until school age came and now I just have my child every weekend but I would take the child more only for school. We are 50 miles apart but I am the one who collects and brings back the child, my wife never does any of that either. I am left with no money each week but again I have put up with that for the last 4 years

desbrook

elnino1977 wrote: »

Desbrook, Dark Crystal & RachaelVO thanks very much for your kind words it really means a lot. Let me address some of the issue’s you have brought up but in parts if I am vague it’s more to protect identities

I do not work because a few years ago I nearly died and had an 8 hour operation to save my life. I had a good job before that but this illness came out of the blue. I spent over 9 months in hospital before I got back home and have had minor operations for the same issue since. I am also on over 20 tablets a day for the rest of my life because of this but believe me I am very grateful I am alive even though the likelihood of me working again is very slim.

My wife and I had a 4 bedroom house and everything in it which we bought together. When we separated I said the house could stay with her and the kids( she has other kids, just one with me) so as they would have a stable home. I had an insurance policy which pays the mortgage each month that I am out sick but there is also 180 euro rented equity to be paid each month on the house which I have paid every month. I also hand over half my disability each week to my wife.

So I am basically back in my Mam’s and I all I left with were the clothes on my back, everything else she has. She pays nothing for the house yet gets to live there with the kids and her fellow lives there half the week too. I am the only paying anything towards the house. I had my child every Tues/Wed and all weekend until school age came and now I just have my child every weekend but I would take the child more only for school. We are 50 miles apart but I am the one who collects and brings back the child, my wife never does any of that either. I am left with no money each week but again I have put up with that for the last 4 years

As I suspected this separation has left you in a very bleak place financially and socially as well as emotionally. What you are longing for is not really your ex but the life you had before in terms of the house, financial security and indeed your health . The truth is that all of those things were not permanent - like bubbles they burst . While they can't be put back together you are starting a new life and need to make it as good as possible for you and your child .
Let's start with finances . It seems like there is no account being taken of your needs as someone who is legally disabled . You may be entitled to spousal maintenance or be able to make a case for it . Nothing scares the other side more than spousal and you may reach a better financial deal with your ex if that threat hangs around . You say you agreed stuff - was that in a formal Separation Agreement ? If not you need one BEFORE any talk of divorce by the way .
Even though you aren't working during the week I think its only fair you have a weekend to yourself at least once every month or two months . The reality is that most people's social life is based on the weekends . You may reply that money is tight and this makes it difficult . Fair point, but there are some great inexpensive things to do if you think beyond the pub . www.meetup.com has a group for virtually everything and I constantly hear good stuff about it .
Look at it this way - you have been given a second chance in two ways . You could have died - you didn't . You also could have led a miserable life living with someone who didn't love you , in turn making their life miserable - instead you are leading your own life . It's more YOUR life now than ever so change it !

elnino1977

Desbrook thank you again for taking the time out of your day again to reply to me. Some of what you say is definitely true, there is definitely the scenario where I want to be back where I was happily married and in love with a beautiful girl. That is what I am really longing for “Her”, I don’t really care about the money, no job etc all I long for is those days with her.
With regard the finance’s my wife doesn’t work (yet still gets to live in the house and pays nothing) so there wouldn’t be a hope of getting any money through spousal aid. But I don’t care about the money anyway, I have been paying all the money for the last four years because I love her and the kids and I wanted them to be happy and secure. All the agreements is just what I said I would pay when we split, never been courts or solicitors involved as of yet.

With regard the weekend every month I would be able to manage that through babysitter’s etc if I wanted but I don’t have the money to be going out the weekends plus I do love seeing my child and spending as much time with her as I can. But thank you for the link , I had never heard of meet up and I will be sure to check it out.

Yes you are right I have been giving a 2nd chance in life and I do grasp in especially in public. My friends can’t believe that I pulled through and my attitude to it all they all say they admire me etc. But privately I am in turmoil, when I am on my own, in bed I am devastated and all I really want is a 2nd chance with my ex, I know it’s gone though

hawkwind23

perhaps someone could post a link to a similar group based in the south??

in Northern Ireland we havehttp://www.fnfni.org part of Families Need Fathers.
unfortunately the laws are different in both countries so legal advice would be difficult to give.
however you are more than welcome to contact them and they will offer whatever advice they can.

Sorry to sound harsh but your gonna need legal advice , your wife is playing you along and doing quite nicely out of it.
you need to stop living at her beck and call and sort the finances out along with structured and healthy access/contact with your child.
you wont be able to do any of this on your own , you need a support network.
talk to your friends/family and find a group like the one above.

you wont want to be with your ex once you start to stand up for yourself , you might notice a change in her.

good luck with it all

it wont always be this way and you will look back at this in the future and realise it was the best thing that ever happened to you.

start making the positive changes and best of luck

elnino1977

Thanks very much Hawkwind23 for your advice and encouraging words!!

Hunter Mahan

It's a tough situation you are in at present, but there is light at the end of the tunnel you just need to look for it.
There's no quick fix and no one else can fix it for you, they can help, but only if you let them.
In my opinion you need to talk to your doctor and find out if your meds have something to do with the way you are feeling and get him to refer you to someone who can help and support you. Then, when you are feeling a little bit stronger you need to get some legal advice, you can be there for your family without being rolled over.

I genuinely feel that you just need to get the ball rolling and you will feel a bit better, the first step is probably going to be the hardest, but you will be glad you took it.

Best of luck, I hope things get better quickly for you.

elnino1977

Thank you Hunter Mahan..... yes I have always worried about the tablets that I am on and what they are doing to me, I have asked before could I come off them but was told no way

Yes I don't want to get better and take the first step and I want to take people's advice on board, from now on I am not going to get walked all over and stand up for myself a bit more..... I am still in a world of pain though and mental torment I just hope it gets better

Hunter Mahan

elnino1977 wrote: »

Thank you Hunter Mahan..... yes I have always worried about the tablets that I am on and what they are doing to me, I have asked before could I come off them but was told no way

Yes I don't want to get better and take the first step and I want to take people's advice on board, from now on I am not going to get walked all over and stand up for myself a bit more..... I am still in a world of pain though and mental torment I just hope it gets better

I hope you don't mind the tone of what I have to say next, but "hoping" it gets better will not work, in fact it makes things worse. Action is what is needed now.
You need to pick a day in the very near future where you are going to make things better, on that day you will pick up a phone and make an appointment with a doctor, and that will be the first step. When you follow through with the doctors advice and find someone to talk to, that's the time to hope, you will have earned the right to hope things will get better. Trust me, through your actions, they will.

You will begin to feel pride in yourself once more, your children will admire your courage and you will find yourself in a better place mentally and physically.

All of that is easier said than done, but you have no choice and everything to gain.

elnino1977

No offence taken at all I understand everything you are saying

11wingnut

Hi einino
I am going through similar <snip> The courts are useless .After 2 years i still wear the ring.
What i find good and what has helped me is exercise, learn new things , FAS courses are free for unemployed There are groups that walk in wicklow .Amen.ie is a good service and sometimes have group counseling. USPI.IE also help.
Public speaking ,Toastmasters , are great for the confidence
Try to focus on yourself , do something for you ,Walk tall and smile .
I hope things improve for you ,

elnino1977

Hello 11wingnut, thanks so much for taking the time to reply even though you are going through hell yourself. I am so sorry that you are going through all this as well.... it's so hard dealing with the pain and memories, hell I feel like I will never be that happy again but I somehow have to get over this and get over her because it's slowly killing me and my mental health.

I hope you can get through it too pal and thanks for all the info

irish gent

Hi . yes you will get over it takes time , but you are depressed now but seek help my friend . She is not worth your love the way she is acting. Focus on you child now they need your strength and love as a parent.I'm in the same boat as yourself but I'm getting on with it and of course its going to be hard. When your wife sees you in this way she sees you as weak , You sound like a very caring person with a big heart , You deserve better move on buddy.
With kind regards IRISH GENT.

elnino1977

Hiya Irishgent, yes a lot of what you say is true , I know she now views me as pathetic, weak and can barely give me 30 seconds of her time. I keep telling myself stop thinking about her and him , I say it over and over yet she still keeps popping into my head and dominating my thoughts, it is quite sad on my part but I wish I wasn't like this but I am
I actually wish I could hate her and even though she treats me like something she scraped from the bottom of her shoe I still can't help myself AAAGGGGGHHHHH

I am so sorry that you have been going through the same stuff Irishgent, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, But I really appreciate your kind words to me and appreciate what everybody has said on this thread because I think it has helped a little

I just feel like the future is bleak, I am 36 & lonely with heartache and I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel

elnino1977

Right I just can't take it anymore and it's quite clear to me that I need some sort of help because I am just not coping trying to deal with my feelings on my own. Whether that makes me sad and weak I am not sure but I definitely feel that way.
For some reason I just can't stop thinking of her, I think of how much she hates me , of her with another fellow and loving him and not me. This makes me feel so low, so dejected, bitter and hatred ( things that have never really being part of my make up ) all in the space of a few mins. This horrible feelings just seem to consume me, I can't sleep, I cry a lot and I am probably making those around me miserable and worried. I feel life has no meaning for me anymore without her, I just can't stop thinking of all the memories we had , all the dreams we shared and how it's all gone.

I don't want to feel like this anymore because the physical and mental pain is too much, I know my health is suffering because of it and I know I may seem pathetic to some people and I don't blame them.
I have an appointment with my GP on Monday afternoon and hopefully this can start to sort me out and get me to a place where I don't care about her anymore and that I could be ready to move on with my life. Thank you all for your help and I will update my progress if that is allowed by the mods.

RachaelVO

Elnino, just so you know you're neither weak nor sad.
Just need to emphasize that bit

It's a big brave step, and without sounding condescending you should be very proud of yourself. It's the first step to getting back on track, and that's gotta be a great thing. God knows how many people will stumble on this thread and go get help too.

11wingnut

HI
I would suggest counseling or talking to someone. AWARE run a life skills course .also look after yourself .always try to eat well ,cashew nuts ,eggs,banana,and turkey have been proven to improve mood ,the nuts contain the same ingredient as Prozac. so has exercise .
Try not to let this woman or your illness rule your life . you are your own boss,Try to meet positive people.
You are not alone going through this. AND YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.
I could continue to rant but i have to practice what i preach.
Best of luck

elnino1977

Thank you very much RachaelVO and 11wingnut for your time and kind words!! I will take all your advice on board and hopefully some day the pain & tears will go and I won't feel like an utter failure. I actually feel guilty for feeling like this when I look around and see the problems other people have to face.

Henry9

elnino1977 wrote: »

Desbrook, Dark Crystal & RachaelVO thanks very much for your kind words it really means a lot. Let me address some of the issue’s you have brought up but in parts if I am vague it’s more to protect identities

I do not work because a few years ago I nearly died and had an 8 hour operation to save my life. I had a good job before that but this illness came out of the blue. I spent over 9 months in hospital before I got back home and have had minor operations for the same issue since. I am also on over 20 tablets a day for the rest of my life because of this but believe me I am very grateful I am alive even though the likelihood of me working again is very slim.

My wife and I had a 4 bedroom house and everything in it which we bought together. When we separated I said the house could stay with her and the kids( she has other kids, just one with me) so as they would have a stable home. I had an insurance policy which pays the mortgage each month that I am out sick but there is also 180 euro rented equity to be paid each month on the house which I have paid every month. I also hand over half my disability each week to my wife.

So I am basically back in my Mam’s and I all I left with were the clothes on my back, everything else she has. She pays nothing for the house yet gets to live there with the kids and her fellow lives there half the week too. I am the only paying anything towards the house. I had my child every Tues/Wed and all weekend until school age came and now I just have my child every weekend but I would take the child more only for school. We are 50 miles apart but I am the one who collects and brings back the child, my wife never does any of that either. I am left with no money each week but again I have put up with that for the last 4 years

Why isn't the chap who stays there paying towards the house?
Not challenging the status quo for the sake of your child is one thing, but being taken for a mug is another.
How can you get your independence and self esteem back if you're condemned to staying with your mother for ever?
Why are your pockets being emptied every week to support someone else's lifestyle?

Get legal advice. Take control of your circumstances as much as you can, which won't be much admittedly. But it's a start.

elnino1977

Hello Henry9 , yes I have asked about this situation and I have also asked why she doesn't go and live in his house. But I was basically told it's her house and she is entitled to have her boyfriend stay as many nights a week as she wants. I asked what about my rights and what about how I feel but I didn't even get a conversation about it, it's basically like it or lump it. She also knows that she has the emotional blackmail of me upsetting the Kids if I pursue getting rid of the house which at the end of the day will benefit nobody.
The whole situation has me weary and just completely exhausted, I have basically lost it all and there is nothing I can do. I keep thinking to myself she will have a house for the next 20 years to do what she wants, while I am 36, no job , no house so the chances of anybody even being interested in me in the future is non existent.
I am prob am going to get legal advice at some stage but first I need to somehow pick myself up of the floor and start looking after myself , especially my sadness & heartbroken so as I can become stronger and not let this ruin the rest of my life. That starts today with the doctor's appointment and I will just take it from there.
Many thanks for your comment

Henry9

elnino1977 wrote: »

Hello Henry9 , yes I have asked about this situation and I have also asked why she doesn't go and live in his house. But I was basically told it's her house and she is entitled to have her boyfriend stay as many nights a week as she wants. I asked what about my rights and what about how I feel but I didn't even get a conversation about it, it's basically like it or lump it. She also knows that she has the emotional blackmail of me upsetting the Kids if I pursue getting rid of the house which at the end of the day will benefit nobody.
The whole situation has me weary and just completely exhausted, I have basically lost it all and there is nothing I can do. I keep thinking to myself she will have a house for the next 20 years to do what she wants, while I am 36, no job , no house so the chances of anybody even being interested in me in the future is non existent.
I am prob am going to get legal advice at some stage but first I need to somehow pick myself up of the floor and start looking after myself , especially my sadness & heartbroken so as I can become stronger and not let this ruin the rest of my life. That starts today with the doctor's appointment and I will just take it from there.
Many thanks for your comment

It's not her house, and some other man spending half his time there can have repercussions on her entitlements.

Don't put off getting legal advice until you feel better. You are dealing with a woman who is only concerned with her own sense of entitlement.

I would say if you want to be a father it's time to stand up for yourself
Never mind this 'emotional blackmail' you keep coming out with.
Stop letting yourself be bullied, get a solicitor, stop feeling sorry for yourself,

I'm not trying to be harsh, but don't you want to be someone your child looks up to?

elnino1977

Hello again Henry, thanks for the reply, let me address some things..

Unfortunately it is her house as well so my hands are tied there, I said I would go down the road of reporting them co-habiting but again she told me to go ahead that by law she is entitled to have a boyfriend stay over and not be cohabiting as long as he is not living there. In other words he can stay but have his residence down as his home address.

Nothing has changed with my child I still see her all the time, talk to the child every day and I am a proper father to the child. It's the one that has always kept me going, I do all the father things with the child and is my favourite past time ever, I love everything associated with my child.

Yes I am dealing with a woman that doesn't give a flying **** how I end up as long as she is looked after and I am starting to fight back. The only thing is it's harder with children involved but I agree she has taken liberties for far too long and already starting to feel the venom for just standing up for myself.

I also went to my GP who is referring me to see somebody else. He claims though a lot of my feelings are because of the medication and that I am such strong medication for a long time it's starting to have an effect. He said there will be some sort of plan hopefully to deal with it