Christmas looms, need help :(

afterglow

Hi all

Really hope for some advice here.
For the first time in my life last year, I had a wonderful christmas. No arguments, drinking or fear of what the day would be like.
This was because I spent it with my boyfriend's framily, who don't understand why I don't want to spend christmas with my own family, but let me spend it with them nonetheless.
This year looks like it could be different, with the arrival of more family this year, it looks like I might not be able to go which I understand, but what do I do then?
I would rather spend christmas on my own than at my parents house, it's not my mum, it's because of her husband. He is not my father, and he has always, and continues to every year binge drink every christmas and this causes really awful arguments which I have decided I just don't have the emotional strength to put up with. I do feel bad for my siblings left in the situation and my mum of course, but I can't do anything for them I realise. I don't want to spend christmas on my own, but is this the only option for me now?
Sorry if the post didn't make any sense, thanks for taking the time to read, and for any replies in advance.

Toast4532

Is it possible for yourself and your boyfriend to do something together on Christmas Day? Maybe cook dinner in your house (presuming you live together?) or if not maybe you could book into a hotel for a few days, or go to Europe or somewhere, depending on finances of course.

lukesmom

I agree with the above ^ excellent advice. Do something just the two of you.

afterglow

Hi Toast4532
This won't be possible I'm afraid, as he likes to spend time with his family.
Thanks for your reply though

ABajaninCork

Make your own Christmas! Spend the day at home in your jim jams. Make yourself something nice to eat, then veg out watching all the telly you want with a bottle of wine and box of choccies to hand...

I did that one year, and let me tell you - It was the best bloody Christmas ever!! A day of bliss with no-one to answer to.

lukesmom

afterglow wrote: »

Hi Toast4532
This won't be possible I'm afraid, as he likes to spend time with his family.
Thanks for your reply though

Well I'm sorry but he's your boyfriend and should be spending the day with the one he loves and if there's no room for you in his house then he should make room or agree to a different plan anything else is selfish. Are you telling us that he'd be happy to spend Christmas with his family and you with nowhere to go?

afterglow

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Make your own Christmas! Spend the day at home in your jim jams. Make yourself something nice to eat, then veg out watching all the telly you want with a bottle of wine and box of choccies to hand...

I did that one year, and let me tell you - It was the best bloody Christmas ever!! A day of bliss with no-one to answer to.

Hi AbejanInCork
Thanks for the reply.
I think that this is what I may have to do, and in a way I wouldn't mind, it's just I'm afraid I might get lonely that's all.
Lkesmom, he would not revil in the thought of me having nowhere to go course he wouldn't, but he just likes to be at home with his family, as all normal people do I suppose.

Merkin

Aww. I think you just need to say it to your boyfriend how you really feel about this and ask that his parents treat you as a couple as opposed to him just on his own, otherwise the alternative looks pretty grim

Toast4532

afterglow wrote: »

Hi Toast4532
This won't be possible I'm afraid, as he likes to spend time with his family.
Thanks for your reply though

afterglow wrote: »

Hi AbejanInCork
Thanks for the reply.
I think that this is what I may have to do, and in a way I wouldn't mind, it's just I'm afraid I might get lonely that's all.
Lkesmom, he would not revil in the thought of me having nowhere to go course he wouldn't, but he just likes to be at home with his family, as all normal people do I suppose.

OP I really feel for you, I do.

You should (and need) to say it to your boyfriend about spending Christmas together, you are his girlfriend and he should be putting your needs above his families needs.

If I thought for a second that my boyfriend or any of my friends would be spending Christmas alone, I'd hate for them not to tell me, I would move mountains to make sure they aren't alone on Xmas day. I would feel absolutely awful if my bf felt he couldn't talk to me about something like this, and I'm sure your boyfriend would feel bad too.

afterglow

hi again toast4532
I don't want him to think I'm needy though, and also his dad is going through chemo at the moment, and I think this is why the other family member wants to come, though she is not my bf's dad's sister, she is my bf's mum's sister, if that makes sense.
I really wish sometimes that I could just explain how horiffic a childhood I had, and how christmas that's normal means the world to me, but my bf says they wouldn't understand.

eviltwin

lukesmom wrote: »

Well I'm sorry but he's your boyfriend and should be spending the day with the one he loves and if there's no room for you in his house then he should make room or agree to a different plan anything else is selfish. Are you telling us that he'd be happy to spend Christmas with his family and you with nowhere to go?

I totally agree with this, does your bf know about your reluctance to go home? If so then it's unforgivable he won't insist you spend it at his or expect you to spend the day alone. There is always room for one more even if you have to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor. Bad form on his part.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you assuming you can't go to his family home, or have you been told?

Why don't you start your own Christmas tradition? You don't have to be alone on Christmas Day. There are plenty of charities who would welcome your help on Christmas Day. Maybe contact the Simon Community, or somewhere similar and help to give out dinners to homeless people, or older people who have no family at all around on Christmas Day.

I know someone who did this one year and loved it so much it became an annual thing. And even when her circumstances changed, and she had "something better to do" on Christmas Day, she kept it up, and brought her daughter along to help out too.

meoklmrk91

I have to agree with the other posters, if your bf knows why you don't want to go home to your family for Christmas it's really unfair of him just to leave you in the lurch. I'm sure if his family knew the situation they would have no problem having you, I suppose they just assume that you can go home without an issue.

You have a few choices here, you can bring it up to your bf and tell him that you would really just prefer to go to his families and why he is okay with you being left alone at Xmas to deal with this. You can spend it alone, I know some people may think it a little depressing but life is what you make it. You could go to a friends or extended families house, I have had loads of offers this year and every year because I have a somewhat similar situation that makes me not really want to go home. Or you can go home, if you do this, perhaps arrive early in the day and leave early in the evening, 12-4, enjoy Xmas with your mother and siblings, feck the partner and leave before the drama starts.

Meauldsegosha

Have you actually spoken to your boyfriend about this? Or are you just assuming you can't go to his family home. If there is only one extra person there (his aunt) I don't see how you can't go also. At Christmas time one more person around the table usually doesn't make a difference.

I know if my boyfriend thought I was spending Christmas on my own he would do whatever it takes to include me in his family Christmas or we would do something together.

LegacyUser

afterglow wrote: »

hi again toast4532
I don't want him to think I'm needy though, and also his dad is going through chemo at the moment, and I think this is why the other family member wants to come, though she is not my bf's dad's sister, she is my bf's mum's sister, if that makes sense.
I really wish sometimes that I could just explain how horiffic a childhood I had, and how christmas that's normal means the world to me, but my bf says they wouldn't understand.

Sounds like there's a lot going on with his family, and tbh it is his parents decision as to who is invited, not his. It could be the case that with his Dad going through chemo, his folks just want a strictly family day. Are you two together for a long number of years? Could also be that they'd feel that inviting you means that they have to invite another of their offspring's partners. Or that there simply aren't enough chairs for the table / they get stressed cooking for extra people!

It sucks for you, but it sounds like he may have broached it with the parents, and they werent all that enthusiastic - I say this because of him saying that they wouldn't understand why it means so much to you. How about if you offered to do the veg / prep work to take some pressure off his folks? Ultimately though, their house, their day, and they get to choose who is invited.

Having said that, I would love to get nice food and spend the day relaxing and doing my own thing! Maybe you'd enjoy it if you tried it?

LegacyUser

I meant to also say that with his Dad being so ill, I can understand completely that he wants to spend the day with his folks, and also feels that he must stick to how they want the day to be/who they want there. Obviously I don't know how bad things are with his Dad, but going through chemo cant be easy, and, not to be morbid, but if it were me it would be at the back of my mind wondering if it was my Dad's last Christmas.

I know that doesn't help your situation, but i can really understand how your boyfriend is totally prioiritising his family here.

freshpopcorn

What part of the country do you live in OP?
This is just a suggestion if you wanted to do something for the day. You could volunteer with a homeless charity that helps prepare meals on Christmas day for those who aren't able to have one and then you could do something by yourself for the afternoon.
You still might be invited for the day tough so don't rule it out just yet.
If his dad is undergoing chemo it is probably a very stressful time for the family. You mention that the boyfriends Aunt is coming over for the dinner. There is a chance that she might have being close to the family this year due to your boyfriends dad being sick and they might have invited her as a way to say thank you.
Your boyfriends might feel he has to go home this year because of the situation at home.

Tramps Like Us

OP I wouldn't say anything to your bf, things are hard enough if his dad has cancer and is getting chemo. I can understand the family not waiting you there (even if there was room) because chemo is very debilitating and when a sons gf comes to stay the family often feels as if they have to entertain or are on show and want to be at their best... not a nasty thing in any way from them but they want to be nice and all that. Guests can be draining at the best of times. (My mum really stresses herself out when my or my brothers gf come to stay, nearly fumigates the place!).

If his dad is sick he probably wants to go home for xmas, I wouldn't guilt him over this its a very hard position. I'd suck this one up OP if I were you and maybe go home or volunteer or something as others suggested.

3DataModem

Perhaps you could volunteer or something that day, for a soup kitchen or other Christmas-related charity endeavour.

J.P.M

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Are you assuming you can't go to his family home, or have you been told?

Why don't you start your own Christmas tradition? You don't have to be alone on Christmas Day. There are plenty of charities who would welcome your help on Christmas Day. Maybe contact the Simon Community, or somewhere similar and help to give out dinners to homeless people, or older people who have no family at all around on Christmas Day.

I know someone who did this one year and loved it so much it became an annual thing. And even when her circumstances changed, and she had "something better to do" on Christmas Day, she kept it up, and brought her daughter along to help out too.

Nice sentiment but not the greatest advice

Taltos

J.P.M, by all means attack the post, but if you have no constructive advice to offer then don't post. Doing otherwise can result in a warning / infraction / ban,

Thanks
Taltos

Teyla Emmagan

lukesmom wrote: »

Well I'm sorry but he's your boyfriend and should be spending the day with the one he loves and if there's no room for you in his house then he should make room or agree to a different plan anything else is selfish. Are you telling us that he'd be happy to spend Christmas with his family and you with nowhere to go?

I don't agree with this at all actually. He's not her husband, he's her boyfriend. She's not his responsibility (I hope that doesn't sound terribly harsh) but unless they are going out years I don't think he should have to give up his own plans when he's clearly needed at home.

OP could you have your own Christmas? You mention siblings, would any of them like to come to you for Christmas day? You wouldn't have to do a massive dinner or anything. Or have you any friends who might also be alone? Perhaps you could hook up with them?

Just keep in mind it's just one day. If you have to spend it by yourself it's not the end of the world either way. Big pizza and some telly, could be your best Christmas ever!

I LOVE Christmas season. I love spending time with friends and giving gifts and the general cheer and good will.

But on the day itself, I pretty much treat it like a regular day. I'm living at home so I am with family, but apart from stopping for dinner (in a totally non-social way) our entire contact that day is exchanging gifts mid-day. I don't see Christmas day as the most important part of Christmas, because I might as well be off on my own somewhere that day. It's not important to me to see family that day, and I certainly wouldn't mind having some space on my own to watch cheesy Christmas movies and eat chocolate.

It's just not convenient for the family to have you over on Christmas day, but it is important for your boyfriend to be there. I really think you should just let him have his day with his family and do something with him to celebrate it on another day. I don't see anything particularly tragic about spending Christmas day alone. I know Christmas can be a pretty depressing time, but spending that one day alone isn't the end of the world.

hoodwinked

afterglow wrote: »

hi again toast4532
I don't want him to think I'm needy though, and also his dad is going through chemo at the moment, and I think this is why the other family member wants to come, though she is not my bf's dad's sister, she is my bf's mum's sister, if that makes sense.
I really wish sometimes that I could just explain how horiffic a childhood I had, and how christmas that's normal means the world to me, but my bf says they wouldn't understand.

these two sentences really seem conflicting to me, i mean without meaning to sound harsh, his family are all dealing with the potential of losing their husband/dad/brother-in-law, and you want them to feel sorry for you by using your horrific childhood?

if you don't want to go home for Christmas that is completely understandable and reasonable, expecting your boyfriends family to take you in is not,

it does come across and maybe i am wrong here, that all you want is a christmas with his family and no other option is viable to you, but i assure you so many people celebrate the day in different ways, you need to accept that this year isn't going to happen at his house,

also to be fair to your boyfriend, its early november so it is not like he left you in the lurch, there is still time to book a holiday, make plans, buy a turkey....etc, again if he told you this on christmas eve, i would then say what he did was wrong, but you have 2 months notice,

if i were you, i would make plans, talk to friends, find out what movies are on that day, book a holiday somewhere, and at least give your boyfriend the chance to only worry about his father rather than have him worrying about you being alone, if he knows you are busy it will take some pressure off him,

you never know maybe he will appreciate you doing him a huge favour this one christmas that he will spend the next 20 making it up to you,

stay positive and good luck op,

(i have been there before and like you couldn't go home so i speak from experience here)

LegacyUser

hoodwinked wrote: »

these two sentences really seem conflicting to me, i mean without meaning to sound harsh, his family are all dealing with the potential of losing their husband/dad/brother-in-law, and you want them to feel sorry for you by using your horrific childhood?

if you don't want to go home for Christmas that is completely understandable and reasonable, expecting your boyfriends family to take you in is not,

it does come across and maybe i am wrong here, that all you want is a christmas with his family and no other option is viable to you, but i assure you so many people celebrate the day in different ways, you need to accept that this year isn't going to happen at his house,

also to be fair to your boyfriend, its early november so it is not like he left you in the lurch, there is still time to book a holiday, make plans, buy a turkey....etc, again if he told you this on christmas eve, i would then say what he did was wrong, but you have 2 months notice,

if i were you, i would make plans, talk to friends, find out what movies are on that day, book a holiday somewhere, and at least give your boyfriend the chance to only worry about his father rather than have him worrying about you being alone, if he knows you are busy it will take some pressure off him,

you never know maybe he will appreciate you doing him a huge favour this one christmas that he will spend the next 20 making it up to you,

stay positive and good luck op,

(i have been there before and like you couldn't go home so i speak from experience here)

Totally agree with this post. I think if you had said about the Dad's chemo from the start, a lot of the posts here would be a lot different.

I understand that you have not had an easy time, but you must put your needs away for now, given the incredibly difficult time that your BF and his family are going through. It's not about you OP; this Xmas is about them. To muscle in on that, or guilt them in to having you be part of that, would just be incredibly selfish - no matter what your background / childhood / wishes for Xmas are.

This is going to sound really harsh, but your posts come across as just thinking of you. Talking about your BF's Dad's chemo seems to be a bit of an aside. Perhaps you didnt phrase it well, but you seem to be prioritising your trauma over the people who are currently having a v traumatic time. That's just not right, or remotely fair to your BF.

I really think you need to stop being so focused on what you want, and a lot more focused on what ur BF can do to ease the burden for his folks. It really isn't all about what you want for Xmas day.

up for anything

afterglow wrote: »

I really wish sometimes that I could just explain how horiffic a childhood I had, and how christmas that's normal means the world to me, but my bf says they wouldn't understand.

That doesn't fly. Unless they are completely insulated from other people, tv, books, media etc. of course they would understand. They might not comprehend it but they would be completely aware that Christmas is a terrible time in lots of people's lives.

Have you any girlfriends who would invite you to theirs for the day? Christmas is only enjoyable on your own if you're happy not being with other people for the day and looking forward to luxuriating in your own company and choices - otherwise it is, with the best will in the world, a lonely time.

Maybe they're not keen to invite you because the boyfriend's aunt (mother's sister) is a complete pain in the arse and having her there will ruin their Christmas and they'd be too embarrassed to have an 'outsider' there, much as you wouldn't like to invite someone to share in your family's Christmas.

Are your siblings much younger than you? Perhaps for their sakes you should spend the day with your own family and try and make it as happy an occasion as you can for them. To me, the spirit of Christmas is about giving to others and doing for others if I am at all able and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it knowing that people close to me were having an unhappy time when it would be possible for me to dilute that unhappiness. Maybe you could have a word with your mother about her husband's alcohol problem. How does she handle it, paper over it?

Moonbeam

I hated christmas at the parents house too,it was boring and full of arguments .
Talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel.
Have you any other friends on their own for christmas? maybe get together and have a big party? go to a friends house?

GarIT

I think it's extremely selfish that you would prioritize you feeling lonely over your boyfriend's family and his father having possibly their last Christmas together. It isn't their responsibility to entertain you especially at this extremely difficult time for them. If I was your boyfriend and saw what you have said you'd be single by now. I think he is being quite good in listening to what you have to say but you shouldn't expect anything from him at all this Christmas. Your posts make you seem completely heartless. The best thing you can do is leave him alone and let him enjoy the last memories he will have with his father.

If things are as bad for you as you say try seeing a counsellor or someone that may be able to help you, your boyfriend really shouldn't have to deal with it at this time.

Sala

GarIT wrote: »

I think it's extremely selfish that you would prioritize you feeling lonely over your boyfriend's family and his father having possibly their last Christmas together. It isn't their responsibility to entertain you especially at this extremely difficult time for them. If I was your boyfriend and saw what you have said you'd be single by now. I think he is being quite good in listening to what you have to say but you shouldn't expect anything from him at all this Christmas. Your posts make you seem completely heartless. The best thing you can do is leave him alone and let him enjoy the last memories he will have with his father.

If things are as bad for you as you say try seeing a counsellor or someone that may be able to help you, your boyfriend really shouldn't have to deal with it at this time.

I disagree with this. In my house every Tom Dick and Harry who had no where to go for Christmas was invited and now I would have no qualms about telling my folks I'm bring home someone. I understand his father is sick and his priorities lies elsewhere, but I do not think the OP is being selfish. Christmas is, in my opinion, the time when you always squeeze an extra person or two in.

I don't really see why you can't be there too. If something terrible happens he will expect you to support him, why can't you be there at happy times too? If the boyfriend does want to do his own thing, I would suggest volunteering, I have heard it can be an amazing experience at Christmas

afterglow

Sala wrote: »

I disagree with this. In my house every Tom Dick and Harry who had no where to go for Christmas was invited and now I would have no qualms about telling my folks I'm bring home someone. I understand his father is sick and his priorities lies elsewhere, but I do not think the OP is being selfish. Christmas is, in my opinion, the time when you always squeeze an extra person or two in.

I don't really see why you can't be there too. If something terrible happens he will expect you to support him, why can't you be there at happy times too? If the boyfriend does want to do his own thing, I would suggest volunteering, I have heard it can be an amazing experience at Christmas

Hi Sala
Thanks for your reply
I first want to point out, that contrary to what it might seem from the way I have written things, I am not the inhuman, insensitive monster that I am being made out to be here. My own mum went through chemo also so I would never try to trivialise anyone's experience of this, especially not my bf and his family's.
I of course wouldn't want to make anything any more difficult for them, but I don't think they mind me coming if the sister isn't, that's why i was writing in the first place, for advice on what to do if I'm on my own, not to make out that I wanted him to prioritise me or anything.
They have seemingly caught the cancer early enough and I din't omit it on purpose, I certainly didn't mean to come across as selfish/insensitive.
The only reason why I mentioned how horrible christmas was for me, was because, well, it was. arguments every year, and mam's husband would always get drunk early and then be drunk by the time dinner was ready. One year my sister had someone in the house and they had to leave because of how bad the arguments were. another year my mam's husband was drunk, and saying such awful things. I was so scared/upset that I sat at the table trying to eat my dinner with a lump in my throat.
I do know that this pails in comparrison to what bf's family are going through, just maybe to give some context as to why i don't want to go home.

freshpopcorn

Sala wrote: »

I disagree with this. In my house every Tom Dick and Harry who had no where to go for Christmas was invited and now I would have no qualms about telling my folks I'm bring home someone. I understand his father is sick and his priorities lies elsewhere, but I do not think the OP is being selfish. Christmas is, in my opinion, the time when you always squeeze an extra person or two in.

I don't really see why you can't be there too. If something terrible happens he will expect you to support him, why can't you be there at happy times too? If the boyfriend does want to do his own thing, I would suggest volunteering, I have heard it can be an amazing experience at Christmas

Thats the thing tough. It's not your house it's the boyfriends parents house. His parents are the one's who decide who they invite. He can ask can his girlfriend come but it's up to them.
They might also want to keep it small enough this year seeing that it's being a stressful year and they want to make it a good one with their family.
They also invited the girl over last year and they could think that she should be with her own family this year seeing that she wasn't with them last year. I doubt that they know how she's feeling about not being incited.

GarIT

Sala wrote: »

I disagree with this. In my house every Tom Dick and Harry who had no where to go for Christmas was invited and now I would have no qualms about telling my folks I'm bring home someone. I understand his father is sick and his priorities lies elsewhere, but I do not think the OP is being selfish. Christmas is, in my opinion, the time when you always squeeze an extra person or two in.

I don't really see why you can't be there too. If something terrible happens he will expect you to support him, why can't you be there at happy times too? If the boyfriend does want to do his own thing, I would suggest volunteering, I have heard it can be an amazing experience at Christmas

The difference here is that the boyfriends mother is probably under a lot of pressure right now and really doesn't need to have to go through the effort to entertain more guests. In your house maybe you might bring everyone over but not everybody is the same and given the situation I think they may want a more family oriented Christmas. I know that in my house neither myself or my family would be able to relax if there was a guest over.

If the family wanted the OP there they would have invited her. They haven't invited her which they are completely entitled to. It is not even the boyfriends house it is his parent's house. The OP inviting herself over which she is trying to do is just plain wrong. The OP has talked about it with her boyfriend and he has decided not to pressure them into inviting the OP, given the circumstances that is completely reasonable and it should be left at that.

GarIT

afterglow wrote: »

Hi Sala
Thanks for your reply
I first want to point out, that contrary to what it might seem from the way I have written things, I am not the inhuman, insensitive monster that I am being made out to be here. My own mum went through chemo also so I would never try to trivialise anyone's experience of this, especially not my bf and his family's.
I of course wouldn't want to make anything any more difficult for them, but I don't think they mind me coming if the sister isn't, that's why i was writing in the first place, for advice on what to do if I'm on my own, not to make out that I wanted him to prioritise me or anything.
They have seemingly caught the cancer early enough and I din't omit it on purpose, I certainly didn't mean to come across as selfish/insensitive.
The only reason why I mentioned how horrible christmas was for me, was because, well, it was. arguments every year, and mam's husband would always get drunk early and then be drunk by the time dinner was ready. One year my sister had someone in the house and they had to leave because of how bad the arguments were. another year my mam's husband was drunk, and saying such awful things. I was so scared/upset that I sat at the table trying to eat my dinner with a lump in my throat.
I do know that this pails in comparrison to what bf's family are going through, just maybe to give some context as to why i don't want to go home.

Given you have mentioned your situation again I would say you are all the things you say you are not. I think one of the main things that need to be said is that your situation is completely irrelevant to you getting invited to the boyfriends parent's house. The best thing you can do is get your boyfriend to mention that you will not be going home and would like to go with him. Asking him to say anything else is going way too far, they don't need to hear sad stories, or whatever. If you get invited great, if you don't you should say nothing and just try to find something to do yourself. You are not the responsibility of your boyfriends parents in any way, they have no obligation to have you over and you shouldn't be forcing yourself on them if they don't extend the invite.

Sala

GarIT wrote: »

The difference here is that the boyfriends mother is probably under a lot of pressure right now and really doesn't need to have to go through the effort to entertain more guests. In your house maybe you might bring everyone over but not everybody is the same and given the situation I think they may want a more family oriented Christmas. I know that in my house neither myself or my family would be able to relax if there was a guest over.

If the family wanted the OP there they would have invited her. They haven't invited her which they are completely entitled to. It is not even the boyfriends house it is his parent's house. The OP inviting herself over which she is trying to do is just plain wrong. The OP has talked about it with her boyfriend and he has decided not to pressure them into inviting the OP, given the circumstances that is completely reasonable and it should be left at that.

Well in that case I think it's up to her boyfriend to either say I want her here, if she is not here I will come over on the day for a visit and spend the rest with her, or to tell his girlfriend outright she is not welcome. I cannot imagine telling someone who had no where to go for Christmas they are not welcome, especially when its a girlfriend.

I know my house may be different, but even so, leaving out a partner who has no where to go is a level above not inviting strangers! The OP can alleviate the pressure by cooking the dinner etc. She obviously knows them if she was there last year, they dont need to pander to her and she can give her other half plenty of time alone with his dad.

hoodwinked

afterglow wrote: »

I do know that this pails in comparrison to what bf's family are going through, just maybe to give some context as to why i don't want to go home.

we get you don't want to go home, and i am telling you now its perfectly ok to not want to spend christmas in that environment, but your posts even more so bring me back to my previous point where i said:

hoodwinked wrote: »

it does come across and maybe i am wrong here, that all you want is a christmas with his family and no other option is viable to you,

if this is the case, nothing constructive we say will be heard. but please hear this, there are so many other options, its not a case of black or white (his house or yours) you need to find that alternative option in this case.

Sala wrote: »

Well in that case I think it's up to her boyfriend to either say I want her here, if she is not here I will come over on the day for a visit and spend the rest with her, or to tell his girlfriend outright she is not welcome. I cannot imagine telling someone who had no where to go for Christmas they are not welcome, especially when its a girlfriend.

I know my house may be different, but even so, leaving out a partner who has no where to go is a level above not inviting strangers! The OP can alleviate the pressure by cooking the dinner etc. She obviously knows them if she was there last year, they dont need to pander to her and she can give her other half plenty of time alone with his dad.

you don't know that, maybe because they were uncomfortable last year they don't want her there this year, its their home, its their christmas,


in my opinion i think clearly his parents have already said no to her coming and im guessing he doesn't know how to say it to her and thats why he is saying "they wouldn't understand" when she wants to explain about her childhood, if he forces the issue all that will come is creating a tension that doesn't need to be there and you can be sure his parents don't need at this time,

the op needs to learn to have some respect for her boyfriend and his parents, if they wanted her there she would have been invited,

by drawing it out, or looking for posters to give her advice on how to impose all she is doing is making it harder on her boyfriend, his family and herself, and leaving herself in a self fulfilling prophecy of being alone and lonely on christmas day.

op please be constructive here, take the initiative and sort yourself out for christmas day, there are so many positive suggestions already given, take one, throw a dart at a map and go there, do something, help someone or just do something positive!

afterglow

Hi hoodwinked

Thanks for your reply.
I will take on board suggestions posted here. There is a hotel in UK that does 100 percent vegetarian christmas so maybe I will look into this, and also ask some friends if there is anyone on their own and perhaps spend christmas with them.

GarIT

Sala wrote: »

Well in that case I think it's up to her boyfriend to either say I want her here, if she is not here I will come over on the day for a visit and spend the rest with her, or to tell his girlfriend outright she is not welcome. I cannot imagine telling someone who had no where to go for Christmas they are not welcome, especially when its a girlfriend.

I know my house may be different, but even so, leaving out a partner who has no where to go is a level above not inviting strangers! The OP can alleviate the pressure by cooking the dinner etc. She obviously knows them if she was there last year, they dont need to pander to her and she can give her other half plenty of time alone with his dad.

If my father was seriously I'll there is not a chance my girlfriend would get a minute of my time if there was a family gathering somewhere else. The boyfriend may decide to split his time but there is nothing wrong if he doesn't, he probably sees his girlfriend the other 364 days of the year. She doesn't have nowhere to go, the OP could stay where she is, she may be lonely or she could stop being dependant on her boyfriend and go and find something else to do.

If she does go I'm pretty sure the boyfriend will have no time with his dad. What would the plan be? She comes over for Christmas but sits on her own in another room for the day? If she was at the house his attention would clearly be drawn away from his family.

Her Christmas situation and her boyfriends parents Christmas situation have no relevance to each other in the slightest unless she is invited over. Putting them under pressure with her stories would just be completely wrong of her boyfriend. My auntie and uncle have been married at least 25 years now and I know that my grandmother still feels under pressure when she comes over to visit. The only fair thing to do is minimise stress for the boyfriends parents as much as possible

littleblackDRS

To be honest, this whole thread just reads as "how do I convince my boyfriend to let me come over?" I think he's made it fairly clear it won't be possible this year. To keep pushing it is really quite selfish. You seem to think the only choices are spending the day at his parent's, or at yours. You didn't even seem to entertain he idea of spending it on your own, or with friends. Christmas really isn't that big of a deal. It's just another day. If you can't manage just another day on your own, then yeah, you will come across as needy and clingy.
You should just let your boyfriend spend the day with his family, he's made it fairly clear that that's what he wants to do, and you shouldn't be putting pressure on him.

ABajaninCork

littleblackDRS wrote: »

To be honest, this whole thread just reads as "how do I convince my boyfriend to let me come over?" I think he's made it fairly clear it won't be possible this year. To keep pushing it is really quite selfish. You seem to think the only choices are spending the day at his parent's, or at yours. You didn't even seem to entertain he idea of spending it on your own, or with friends. Christmas really isn't that big of a deal. It's just another day. If you can't manage just another day on your own, then yeah, you will come across as needy and clingy.
You should just let your boyfriend spend the day with his family, he's made it fairly clear that that's what he wants to do, and you shouldn't be putting pressure on him.

Not true. Did you read the below from the OP??

afterglow wrote: »

Hi hoodwinked

Thanks for your reply.
I will take on board suggestions posted here. There is a hotel in UK that does 100 percent vegetarian christmas so maybe I will look into this, and also ask some friends if there is anyone on their own and perhaps spend christmas with them.

LegacyUser

I know that you have had a number of Christmas that have not been nice due to a family member drinking. Last year you had a nice christmas when you went to your boyfriends family and you would like the same this year.
At this stage you know that your boyfriends father is having cemo and they have another relative coming over for Christmas day.
At this stage you need to realise that this year your boyfriend will need to spend Christmas day at home with his father and the family.
If I was in your situation I would say to your boyfriend that you will met up with him after Christmas day and you will do x,y.
You could start to chat to freinds now and see what there plans are for Christmas day and see what you could do from there.
I would also consider helping out a charity who give out meals to others on Christmas day.
I know some people who do this and they have been doing for a long period of time.

GarIT

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Not true. Did you read the below from the OP??

There is saying something and meaning something, I know which one I think that was. There is a big difference agreeing with advice and appearing to agree because it is so logical you can't disagree. Given a history of thanking every single post that repeated 'oh poor you' in a different manner and ignoring anything constructive. I'm not even saying I'm right, I'm just saying there have been a lot of good posts ignored because it wasn't what was wanted to be heard.

Big Bag of Chips

Can everyone remember to stick to offering advice to the OP? Dragging the thread off topic by arguing what you believe the posters thinks or doesn't think is adding nothing to the thread, and turning it into a general debate/discussion.... Which is not what PI is here for.

Back to offering advice. It's up to the poster whether or not to accept it.

LegacyUser

afterglow wrote: »

Hi hoodwinked

Thanks for your reply.
I will take on board suggestions posted here. There is a hotel in UK that does 100 percent vegetarian christmas so maybe I will look into this, and also ask some friends if there is anyone on their own and perhaps spend christmas with them.

Good to see you are going to make your own plans. It could be your best Xmas yet!

Just wanted to also mention this "but I don't think they mind me coming if the sister isn't" - you need to let this go, it is really obvious that they DO mind, and your boyfriend is playing down that they've said 'NO' to having you there. So asking him and even talking about it is more than likely just adding to his stress.

I think you should make sure to make your own plans in the next few weeks (that hotel sounds good), and plan to let his family have a few days together without any outsiders. But you need to present this to your boyfriend as something positive that you want to do, and be careful not to say that you'd prefer to go to his house for Xmas, or to express concern about what you'll do. Doing so will just make him feel more torn and stressed. It's a fine line OP, and if I felt pressurised or guilted into anything when my Dad was having chemo, I wouldn't take it lightly, and I'd be questioning the relationship.

freshpopcorn

One thing I would say is a lot of families don't have the perfect family Christmas as they do on the television. Some people are willing to grin and bare it tough. They try and look on the positives. They might look forward to the food or If they found one family member was argumentative they would sit beside somebody they got on with or sometimes some people just go home to give support a family member that might need it.
If this isn't for you, you need to decide on what you want to do.

Honestly they are various reasons why you might not be invited for Christmas this year. Be it Budget, not enough chairs, they think you have some where to go, they want to keep it a small family affair due to the chemo, they mightn't want to cook a vegetarian option, you were there last year so this year you should be with your family or they mightn't have liked you being their last year.(sorry, but sometimes this can be true)

They are a lot of charities that hold stuff on Christmas day. So you could do this.
You can go book a day at a restaurant be in either Ireland/England for the day.if you have the money.
Go on a holiday. If you have the money.
Invite siblings over for the day or maybe somebody who is from a another country who isn't able to go home.
You need to decide on what you want to do in the next week or so because if you don't you might just end up sitting at home by yourself.

afterglow

freshpopcorn wrote: »

One thing I would say is a lot of families don't have the perfect family Christmas as they do on the television. Some people are willing to grin and bare it tough. They try and look on the positives. They might look forward to the food or If they found one family member was argumentative they would sit beside somebody they got on with or sometimes some people just go home to give support a family member that might need it.
If this isn't for you, you need to decide on what you want to do.

Honestly they are various reasons why you might not be invited for Christmas this year. Be it Budget, not enough chairs, they think you have some where to go, they want to keep it a small family affair due to the chemo, they mightn't want to cook a vegetarian option, you were there last year so this year you should be with your family or they mightn't have liked you being their last year.(sorry, but sometimes this can be true)

They are a lot of charities that hold stuff on Christmas day. So you could do this.
You can go book a day at a restaurant be in either Ireland/England for the day.if you have the money.
Go on a holiday. If you have the money.
Invite siblings over for the day or maybe somebody who is from a another country who isn't able to go home.
You need to decide on what you want to do in the next week or so because if you don't you might just end up sitting at home by yourself.

hi Fresh Popcorn

Yep, I know I need to decide what I want to do and prety fast. I am looking into the holiday option, hopefully money won't be two much of a factor. I don't mind not being with my bf I just don't want to be completely on my own so this is something I have to sort out. Thanks for replying.

LegacyUser

I think someone else mentioned this too, but if Xmas is as bad as you say in your folks house, why not host Xmas dinner in your place for your siblings? You wouldn't be on your own, and they might be delighted to have a calmer Xmas.

I think you said that you couldn't put yourself in the position of spending Xmas with your folks in order to lighten the burden on your siblings, and that's fair enough - you can't be expected to sacrifice yourself for them, in the same way as your boyfriend can't be expected to be responsible for sorting out your Xmas day, but if you have your siblings over, you could be making them and you happy. Just something to think about!

LegacyUser

Op, when you refer to your horrific childhood, is this solely because of Christmas day and your stepfathers drinking?

Ande1975

Op,

Out of curiousity, how would you spend Christmas this year if you didn't have a boyfriend?
When I am faced with something like this, I also think of the worst case scenario and realise the options I have are actually a lot better than I originally thought.
So be honest, if he wasn't on the scene what would you do?

afterglow

Ande1975 wrote: »

Op,

Out of curiousity, how would you spend Christmas this year if you didn't have a boyfriend?
When I am faced with something like this, I also think of the worst case scenario and realise the options I have are actually a lot better than I originally thought.
So be honest, if he wasn't on the scene what would you do?

Hi ande1975 and christmasblues
When I mention my own situation it is in relation to christmas in this context, but all big ocasions were always ruined by alcohol in our house when we were growing up. Birthdays, confirmations comunions just any big ocasion really.
If I didn't have my bf, I would probably end up back at home tbh, but this is something I really don't want, and another struggle i have is how mad my mum will be if she realises i am not spending christmas there but not with her either. I was thinking of just telling her i'm going there even if I'm not to save the drama. I mentioned the veg christmas hotel idea to my bf, he thought it was good but did just caution about traveling at christmas.
Anyway I'm going to make some phonecalls today and see what I come up with.

LegacyUser

afterglow wrote: »

Hi ande1975 and christmasblues
When I mention my own situation it is in relation to christmas in this context, but all big ocasions were always ruined by alcohol in our house when we were growing up. Birthdays, confirmations comunions just any big ocasion really.
If I didn't have my bf, I would probably end up back at home tbh, but this is something I really don't want, and another struggle i have is how mad my mum will be if she realises i am not spending christmas there but not with her either. I was thinking of just telling her i'm going there even if I'm not to save the drama. I mentioned the veg christmas hotel idea to my bf, he thought it was good but did just caution about traveling at christmas.
Anyway I'm going to make some phonecalls today and see what I come up with.

Well if you tell your mam your going and don't show up, your going to cause more drama and possibly upset your siblings. Does your mam also have a drink problem? Have you ever discussed your stepfathers drinking with your mother. This issue is bigger than "you enjoying Christmas day". It doesn't sound like a nice environment for your siblings. Have you any other family, an aunt or something? that you can discuss this with.

Merkin

Have you stayed in a hotel on your own OP? I lived in one for three months when working in Asia and they can be lonely old places. I should imagine even more lonely on Christmas Day.

If I was in your shoes I would just go on the biggest self-indulgent mission of the century. You need to suit YOURSELF. I can understand that your boyfriend needs to be with his family and you're very respectful of that so well done.

If your own family are just going to cause you upset then just avoid them - you're now an adult and don't have to dance to anyone else's beat. Suit yourself. Stock up on edibles that you normally don't eat/can't afford/are normally rare treats. Have your favourite movies ready to go. Buy some nice champagne. Buy a whole lobster or truffles or whatever floats your boat!

Start your Christmas Day by volunteering at a shelter for an hour or two. Or go and visit friends or siblings for an hour or two so at least you are interacting. Then I'd go home, get into my most fluffy PJs, stuff my face with delicious treats, quaff champers and watch some funny films like Elf etc.

Above all else hon, it is just another day. It will pass quickly and focus instead on the new year and the lovely time you will have with your boyfriend when he gets home. The day is what you make of it and to that end I would just suit myself and enjoy it as best I can. You'll be fine x