OH has changed her mind on marriage and kids after nearly 5 years

random user 11453

Not sure there's a huge amount of detail to go into with this but me and the missus have been together over 4 years (almost 5 years total seeing time).

I'm 26, she's 29. All my life I've never wanted kids. I detest them (sounds harsh but it's true). The thought of having a child is horrible. Everyone has always told me I'd change my mind as I got with the right person and grew a bit older.

My stance hasn't budged in favour of them at all, if anything it's gone the other way - realised I want them less and less as time goes by.

Marriage is the same. Personal opinion of mine is that it's a complete and utter waste of money. Don't see the point. The only way I would get married is if we had kids and it was to be secure financially (in the event of a sudden loss). No plans to have kids so no plan to get married.

Anyways, me and the OH have shared this view throughout the entire time we've known each other. My views on children have not been hidden. She knows that kids aren't for me. Always has. I've only ever held 1 child and that's cause she forced me at her sisters baby christening a few years back. Hated it and felt very awkward.

A couple of days ago she outright told me that she wanted to have children some day and the thought of being my wife appealed to her. She's said that she doesn't want to carry on with the idea of never having kids only to end up hating me later for it but she also doesn't want to leave me.

Not entirely sure how to feel about this. It's totally out of the blue. Nothing to indicate this was coming at all. Anyone out there ever put in a similar spot?

wirelessdude01

I was once like you but when you meet the right person it changes very quickly.

NoClues

You'll change your mind as you get older OP

Firehen

NoClues wrote: »

You'll change your mind as you get older OP

or he might not.

I'm a few years older than you, OP and my feelings about kids are exactly the same as yours. The other half isn't quite as against them but says she is happy enough to remain childless.

Sorry I've no specific advice but if your missus changed her mind once she might change it again.

Ann84

Marriage is one thing but kids are a deal breaker, you can't have half a child. If your partner has told you she wants kids, she will either leave eventually, or resent you forever! Neither is very appealing but this topic has been raised so many times in this forum.

If she is 29, she's at a point now where her clock has probably started ticking! If you don't want kids, and she does, you may want to consider your future as a couple.
Neither opinion is wrong, but trying to male a relationship work when your fundamentally differ on something you cannot compromise on will only lead to heartache.

Best of luck

strandroad

Unfortunately children are one of those things you can't compromise on... For a lot of people it does come later in life and as she is older perhaps it did for her, but you don't need to be same. She is entitled to change her mind and honest enough to put her cards on the table. It's your turn to decide if anything changed for you, and if it didn't, she may decide to leave. It would be much better than to stay and resent you for what she would perceive as a loss of her dream. I would appreciate her honesty and answer in the same vein so that you can both reassess your life priorities.

Dolbert

Unfortunately OP, this isn't an issue you can compromise on. You either have children or you don't, either way one of you will resent the other. Everyone is entitled to change their minds, and chances are at 29 your GF knows what she wants. You have to lay your cards on the table, spell out for her that you never want kids or marriage, and leave the ball in her court. The worst thing you can do is string her along with maybes and somedays.

Edit: snap, mhge

strandroad

Either it's that obvious or we're writing in cliches

The Corinthian

random user 11453 wrote: »

Not entirely sure how to feel about this. It's totally out of the blue. Nothing to indicate this was coming at all. Anyone out there ever put in a similar spot?

It's not uncommon for such U-turns to 'come out of the blue'. She's about to hit her thirties, which gives her about ten years to have any kids and no doubt many of her peers are settling down and starting families - all of this often has the effect of causing the biological clock to kick in.

Being a guy, if you do change your mind, it'll likely be later, when you're in your mid thirties. So you're in different places now and may remain so, given there's no guarantee that you'll ever change your mind.

In practical terms, as other people have said, this is probably a deal-breaker on any relationship. You should not get married and have children just because she wants to and neither should she decide to remain childless and unmarried if she does.

Another factor is that you're, I presume, living together for four years. If you're going to end things, do so before it hits five, as then cohabitants start automatically getting the same rights as married couples where it comes to each other's assets and maintenance; so that's best avoided.

Taltos

OP - I am like you and luckily I met someone who didn't want children.

I decided this when I was in my teens and it has never wavered - just gotten stronger. So strong in fact that I took the decision a number of years ago with the support of my OH to get the snip.

Both of us were sure of this - and both had been clear - changing your mind to want kids is OK - but if a desire to want kids suddenly came along it would spell the end of our relationship as neither would want to hold the other back.

It seems like you are at that stage. I hate to say it but you need to sit down with your partner. Ask them how keen are they to have kids - even a small amount accept that and then on the spot and cleanly tell them that it is over, you don't and never will want children and equally you will not stay in a relationship where over time they will come to hate and despise you for taking that choice away from them.

I know it seems bleak and harsh but better now than in another 10 years or even more to the point - better now than after some little accident...

Sorry.

blatantrereg

Desire to reproduce is one of those basic compatibility questions that people check before even considering a serious relationship. It's unfortunate and difficult that your partner's ideas about it have changed.

Your ages are unfortunate in this case too. It's common enough not to want a kid at 26, even if you think you might some time in the future. If your thoughts are going to change on the matter spontaneously, it would probably be when you're in your 30s, or near enough to them. Your partner would not be well advised to wait that long to find out though when she is 29. If she did she might find herself compromising her choice of partner, or not taking long enough establishing a relationship and good environment.

Really you both need to ask yourself serious questions about this - taking maybe months to consider things. If what you want is still different then like others have suggested you would might look at terminating your relationship.

If it were me I would wonder if she had always wanted marriage and kids, but thought she would only admit it once she thought the relationship was established enough that she thought I would agree for the sake of it/her. I would try to establish if I was correct in thinking this also. Not sure if playing Inspector Morse with your partner is the best advice that could be offered though - just thinking how I would react.

random user 11453

Should have clarified a little on the "out of the blue" part. She is the oldest of her family. 2 sisters and 1 brother. Her youngest sister had a kid at 16, her other sister had her first at 17 (she now has 3) and her brother had his first kid at 24 (now has 2). Every time we went to a christening or any family gathering for that matter all the parents would jibe "so, when is it your turn?" to which the reply was always "We're never going to have kids".

My stance on the matter has always been perfectly clear to never want kids or marriage. The thought of getting snipped has never crossed my mind until now but it's something that would interest me.

She said she has a lot of thinking to do over the next few days. The ball is out of my court as far as I'm concerned.

random user 11453

Thanks everyone by the way for the replies so far.

ncmc

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

I was once like you but when you meet the right person it changes very quickly.

NoClues wrote: »

You'll change your mind as you get older OP

These kind of responses really bug me! It sounds like the OP really doesn’t want children, he isn’t ambiguous about it in any way. He actively dislikes children and the thought of marriage. Some people know their mind quite young and don’t ever change it. It’s patronising to say he’ll change his mind. Would you say the same thing to someone who knew that they DID want children at 26?

OP, you are in a difficult situation and unfortunately there is no easy way out of it. As others have said, there are no real compromises. You clearly don’t want children and your OH clearly does. You have a serious conversation ahead of you, she needs to decide which is more important to her, having you or having a child, it sounds like she can’t have both. Who knows why she changed her mind, it could be that her biological clock has started to tick, or maybe she wanted them all along and was hoping you would change your mind.

Whatever you do, don’t kick the can down the road, it will just get harder and harder to make the difficult decision and she may end up severely resenting you if you split up at a later stage and she finds she has left it too late to have children.

Best of luck OP, you aren’t a bad person for not wanting kids, nor is she a bad person for wanting them. You just have a serious compatibility issue and unfortunately the kindest thing for both of you may be to let this relationship go.

CaraMay

I think the pressure is off you as she is making up her mind so you just hold on and see if she wants kids so much that she has to move on and meet someone else who does too. She is as entitled to change her mind as you are not.

I have to say that I find your comment re detesting kids very disgusting.

username123

Well I mean theres not much you can do. You dont want kids, dont like kids, have always been upfront about that - its not you who has moved the goalposts. I feel the same myself, dont like them, dont want them, no interest. Luckily my husband feels the same, and no mind changing.

All you can do is wait and see what she wants to do. If she really wants kids itd be better for her to cut loose and find someone to have kids with. No point in staying with you and then resenting it later on. And definitely no point in you saying 'ah ok' and being a disinterested resentful father.

I think the best advice I can give you here is to be true to yourself AND to her - and dont give false hope. It would genuinely be best for her to move on if she really wants kids so tell her that.

Goldenlady

its a tough one OP, I had been in the same situation until a few months ago, and had to walk away after 8 years, as I felt that I could grow to hate him if we stayed together. Very hard to walk away but your GF has now said she wants kids, I don't think there is any going back on that. You don't want kids, that's your decision, I think she will probably walk away, but it could take time like I did. Spent two years fighting with myself whether to stay or not, it ruined the relationship in the end. Unfortunately its not something she will get over ( I would think!) Sorry for not having any good news or worthy response, but I wish you the best

IrishEyes19

I cant blame her or you at all to be honest. You see when you met she probably did feel that way, but with time, comes change. And she probably now has had a chance to consider those options in her life. I dont think she deceived you or pulled one over on you, I just think her priorities have changed. You need to sit down and make it clear what you want again, but seriously consider this, she does have a time frame on her chance to have children, its set in stone for a woman unfortunately. You need to be absolutely clear with her how you feel and that it wont change. You dont want to have someone who is bitter and upset at their lost chance in ten years time. It would be unfair to both of you

random user 11453

Thanks again everyone. We had a talk last night (sorta descended into an argument a bit) and I made it absolutely crystal clear that kids and marriage are absolutely not on my agenda and never will be. We'll just have to see what happens now.

CaraMay wrote: »

I have to say that I find your comment re detesting kids very disgusting.

I don't get this? I really don't like kids. That's all there was to it.

helimachoptor

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

I was once like you but when you meet the right person it changes very quickly.

I'd also agree with this.

I was very much in the no kids/marriage camp even while with my current wife.

However as i got older, i very much softened towards marriage, kids are still a work in progress but most definitely on the horizon at some point.

CaraMay

random user 11453 wrote: »

.



I don't get this? I really don't like kids. That's all there was to it.

Well why is it acceptable to say you detest a portion of society and get away with it just because it's children. If you said you detested the handicapped, unemployed or elderly there would be war.

Gmol

CaraMay wrote: »

Well why is it acceptable to say you detest a portion of society and get away with it just because it's children. If you said you detested the handicapped, unemployed or elderly there would be war.

It's his opinion and though I don't agree, he's entitled to have it. Lets not get too pc here.

Anyway back on topic I would suggest one of you have to change which given both of your stances is unlikely.
The crucial thing is to resolve it quickly as it will give her a chance to grieve the relationship and move on while still young enough. If she fudges the issue you may need to make the decision for her.
She may hate you for it short term but splitting may be the best in the long term for you both. Crummy situation with no blame for either of you. Best of luck

freshpopcorn

Hi OP,
This is a tough one because having kids can be the deal breaker for couples.
Ye need to talk this through and decide what is best for ye. Their is no point of staying together if it's not going to last.
They are people out their who want to getting married/start a family when their about six and this is one of their dreams. Some people get to see their dreams come through while some don't.
Then they are people out their that don't want kids. Sometimes its because they simple don't want children and sometimes it might because they are worried that they won't make a good parent. They are countess reasons.
Sometimes people who don't want kids change their mind because they fall in love and it just feels right. Then they are times when it just happens.
Often when people have their first child they fall in love with it instantly even if they didn't want it because they created it. Its not the screaming baby. Its their screaming baby.
You also mention about the first time you held a baby. This is often awkward for people because it's an unusual if you never experienced it before. You might not be good at it but it's one of these things you have to learn/get used to the feel of it. (When people learn to drive, the first few times they have lots of trouble getting the car started/changing gears, It feels weird at first.Over time tough you learn how everything work, Bad example I know) the same is with a baby, you have to learn and after a while you get used to it.
As for marriage, You say its waste of money. People often get married because they love one another, also marriage helps people feel more secure in a relationship if anything was to happen either one of ye in the future.
Getting married doesn't have to be expensive by the way. Be it in a church or registry office. All that has to be present is you, her and two witnesses.

Taltos

CaraMay - we have been more than tolerant - but any more flaming, soapboxing, picking on those that don't agree with you or rubbishing others opinions is going to result in moderation action. It is the OPs opinion not to want children and that is fine, you might not agree with it, but that does not negate how he feels about being a father or indeed how he may view children. He has not come here to be judged but to seek constructive crticism, possibly as a last resort before ending his relationship.

We have already had to delete two empassioned responses to your last few posts, this is not acceptable, we really don't enjoy issuing bans but should you continue to post in this manner we will be left with little option.

Thanks
Taltos

ibarelycare

random user 11453 wrote: »

Thanks again everyone. We had a talk last night (sorta descended into an argument a bit) and I made it absolutely crystal clear that kids and marriage are absolutely not on my agenda and never will be. We'll just have to see what happens now.

What do you mean you just have to wait and see what happens? How did the discussion/argument end? If you've decided to continue with your relationship and have both agreed to "see what happens" down the road, that is extremely dangerous. It's highly likely that your girlfriend expects that you'll change your mind at some stage. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be in an otherwise happy, loving relationship, but knowing that you are either going to have to break up, or one of you will have to compromise on a huge decision...which I don't think is fair on either of you.

It's very possible that, if you stay together, your girlfriend will bring this up again in 3 or 4 years in the hopes that you'll have changed your mind. If you haven't, then what? She either gives up her dream of having children to stay with you (which will no doubt lead to her resenting you), or you break up then and she has to worry about the fact that the best of her child-bearing years are nearly over and she's single.

The Corinthian

ibarelycare wrote: »

It's very possible that, if you stay together, your girlfriend will bring this up again in 3 or 4 years in the hopes that you'll have changed your mind. If you haven't, then what? She either gives up her dream of having children to stay with you (which will no doubt lead to her resenting you), or you break up then and she has to worry about the fact that the best of her child-bearing years are nearly over and she's single.

I'd tend to agree with this. To wait and see what happens, effectively means ignore the problem and hope it goes away.

Other than the scenario whereby all you do is waste a few more years of her life where she could be breeding, the best case scenarios involve one or the other of you caving in to the wishes of the other, which will likely lead to at least subconscious resentment. Another scenario is where there's an 'accident'; if that happens, well tough - you don't get any say after the egg splits.

The two of you are better off splitting now, while relations are still positive, rather than later.

bronte

Agree with the above, I was in your shoes a number of years ago OP and breaking up (though it hurt like hell at the time) was the best thing I could have done. Stay together longer and you end up resenting each other or find it even harder when you do break up.
Just be honest with any future partners about what you want out of life and you can't do much more than that.

MagicMarker

Sorry OP, your girlfriend has opened Pandora's box, there is no "seeing what happens", it's already happened! Your girlfriend wants kids. That's that. You can't just flick a switch here.

random user 11453

Sorry for not posting back. What I meant by that was that she wants a bit of time to think about it. Not weeks or months. She's heading away for a friends birthday for a few days and is going to use her down time to come to a conclusion.

MagicMarker

random user 11453 wrote: »

Sorry for not posting back. What I meant by that was that she wants a bit of time to think about it. Not weeks or months. She's heading away for a friends birthday for a few days and is going to use her down time to come to a conclusion.

And if she comes back to you and says "oh actually, I've changed my mind, I don't want kids". You're just going to accept that and go on pretending everything is fine? I know I couldn't do that, I'd feel like she's sacrificing having the children that she wants just to stay with me, and I don't think I could continue a relationship if I thought that was the case.

random user 11453

MagicMarker wrote: »

And if she comes back to you and says "oh actually, I've changed my mind, I don't want kids". You're just going to accept that and go on pretending everything is fine? I know I couldn't do that, I'd feel like she's sacrificing having the children that she wants just to stay with me, and I don't think I could continue a relationship if I thought that was the case.

For the fact that she knows my stance on it, yes, I think I would be ok with that. I don't think we would be pretending everything is fine.. If she has made the decision to not have children and stay together then there's nothing to pretend there.

The Corinthian

random user 11453 wrote: »

For the fact that she knows my stance on it, yes, I think I would be ok with that. I don't think we would be pretending everything is fine.. If she has made the decision to not have children and stay together then there's nothing to pretend there.

Well, there is unfortunately. Pandora's box is opened and what came out cannot be put back in so easily.

As I and others suggested, even if she does turn around and concede that she can live without having children, it'll no longer be a joint choice, as before, but because of you - you'll have imposed this on her.

This can result in resentment over time at best and in some cases subconscious or even planned ways to impose her choice on you. 'Accidents' happen, after all...

Trust me, move on. Otherwise, one way or another, this is unlikely to end well.

Beruthiel

random user 11453 wrote: »

For the fact that she knows my stance on it, yes, I think I would be ok with that. I don't think we would be pretending everything is fine.. If she has made the decision to not have children and stay together then there's nothing to pretend there.

Isn't the decision to have (or not have) children a very black and white one?

Clearly, when she met you, she did not want children, but has now changed her mind on it.
That does happen to some people.
The fact that she has brought it up with you means she thought about it for some time, came to a decision and talked to you about it.
Considering that fact, why would she turn around now and say that she's changed her mind again and does not want them?
Wouldn't she be doing that just to stay with you?

This, for me at least, would be a deal breaker.
If my partner did a U turn on this I would have to finish with them.
I have one daughter and decided at a young age that I would not be having anymore.
That decision has never changed and it always annoyed the hell out of me when people would tell me I will change my mind when I get older.
I never have.

If she wants children, you will have to let her go OP. The sooner the better as she is running out of time.
You do not want to be in a position where she bitterly holds this against you in later years.
A very serious and candid discussion must be had now.
Best of luck with it.

random user 11453

Well, that's that. Still going to live together till the end of the lease in April. Will just move to the spare room.

wirelessdude01

random user 11453 wrote: »

Well, that's that. Still going to live together till the end of the lease in April. Will just move to the spare room.

Going to be harsh here but why bother? Contact the LL and explain the situation. This is just prolonging the agony for both of you.

random user 11453

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Going to be harsh here but why bother? Contact the LL and explain the situation. This is just prolonging the agony for both of you.

It's not that easy. We've 2 dogs and a cat. There isn't exactly an abundance of people here willing to rent a house out to someone with them. We also live with 2 others.

dellas1979

What the heck?

Thats probably one of the most awkward/weird decisions Ive ever heard.....

Again, another one she is making.

You are really sitting in the back seat here trying to drive a car.

Leave her stay in the spare room and youll leave her with false hope.

Im 1000% sure she still thinks you are going to change your mind.

There are ways around this....leave the animals in current house and one of ye move out.

The blinkers of whats going to happen are well and truely on OP!

ibarelycare

Sorry to hear op

random user 11453

dellas1979 wrote: »

What the heck?

Thats probably one of the most awkward/weird decisions Ive ever heard.....

Again, another one she is making.

You are really sitting in the back seat here trying to drive a car.

Leave her stay in the spare room and youll leave her with false hope.

Im 1000% sure she still thinks you are going to change your mind.

There are ways around this....leave the animals in current house and one of ye move out.

The blinkers of whats going to happen are well and truely on OP!

I don't really get this post..

I suggested moving to the spare room. Seems the more gentlemanly thing to do. As for her thinking I'll change my mind that's not going to happen. This is it. For good.

Moving out and just leaving her with the animals is shítty on her and the other 2 lads as everyone will have to pay more in rent for 5 months.

The Corinthian

random user 11453 wrote: »

It's not that easy. We've 2 dogs and a cat. There isn't exactly an abundance of people here willing to rent a house out to someone with them. We also live with 2 others.

Will you be living together for five years by April? If so, you will both be able to claim a share of each other's assets and maintenance, in accordance of the cohabitation bill.

Living together, even 'separately', within the same home will also create friction, not to mention the danger of relapses back into the relationship, which would not be a good idea for various reasons (e.g. changes in contraception).

Genuinely, I'd look at getting out sooner rather than later, even if it is just back to your parents. Look at your lease and see how you may terminate it before April.

random user 11453

The Corinthian wrote: »

Will you be living together for five years by April? If so, you will both be able to claim a share of each other's assets and maintenance, in accordance of the cohabitation bill.

Living together, even 'separately', within the same home will also create friction, not to mention the danger of relapses back into the relationship, which would not be a good idea for various reasons (e.g. changes in contraception).

Genuinely, I'd look at getting out sooner rather than later, even if it is just back to your parents. Look at your lease and see how you may terminate it before April.

Not sure that applies where I'm living. If it's EU then yea but if it's Ireland based then it doesn't.

I guess speaking to the landlord is an option but it's not like it's a few weeks early, it's almost half a year and we pay €1,900 in rent per month.

Lux23

random user 11453 wrote: »

Not sure that applies where I'm living. If it's EU then yea but if it's Ireland based then it doesn't.

I guess speaking to the landlord is an option but it's not like it's a few weeks early, it's almost half a year and we pay €1,900 in rent per month.

Just the two of you?

random user 11453

Lux23 wrote: »

Just the two of you?

Split 4 ways. Including bills we pay just over €515 each.

The Corinthian

random user 11453 wrote: »

Not sure that applies where I'm living. If it's EU then yea but if it's Ireland based then it doesn't.

I presumed you were living in Ireland, where that would be the legal situation. Fortunately, the rest of Europe does not have 'automatic marriage' clauses in their cohabitation laws - with the exception of Scotland; if you're based there, you'll need to check how the law there works.

I guess speaking to the landlord is an option but it's not like it's a few weeks early, it's almost half a year and we pay €1,900 in rent per month.

Well you're not in Ireland, so your rental contract actually means something, unlike Ireland where it all seems to be done by ear... where are you based?

Read your lease / rental contract, it should have clauses for early termination - for example, you'll have to do something search and be able to send on two potential replacements to fulfil your contractual obligations.

But unless your relationship has ended while remaining amicable but effectively becoming like 'brother and sister', living together after breaking up is a very, very bad idea. I speak from experience.

dellas1979

dellas1979 wrote: »

What the heck?

Thats probably one of the most awkward/weird decisions Ive ever heard.....

Again, another one she is making.

You are really sitting in the back seat here trying to drive a car.

Leave her stay in the spare room and youll leave her with false hope.

Im 1000% sure she still thinks you are going to change your mind.

There are ways around this....leave the animals in current house and one of ye move out.

The blinkers of whats going to happen are well and truely on OP!

What do you mean you dont get the post? What about it exactly?

- 4.5 years together
- You dont want children, she does.
- Break up
- She is in denial
- And you are going to still live together
- Possibly you are in denial too
- Maybe thats why ye are making such odd living arrangements?

I am, without doubt, 1000% sure she still thinks there is hope. You are not thinking like someone who has what they wanted taken away from them. Be careful OP. Be very careful.

blatantrereg

Living together for the next 5-6 months is likely to be difficult for one or both of you. Even if you both find it tolerable in itself, it's unlikely to be easy if another man/woman comes into the picture at some point - something that seems probable in the time frame you're talking about.

random user 11453

Moved my stuff into the spare room. We still share the car for work and it's not awkward. At least not for now anyways.

I'm trying to distance myself and not live like a couple without the affection.

MagicMarker

By living in the next room and sharing a car?

What about the next time she goes out with the girls as a single woman? What will be running through your head that night as you're at home?

No way I could do it anyway.

wirelessdude01

This is only going to end up one way, back in bed together. Sharing lifts, cars, etc. Back in bed together is next after a cosy Friday night in with a bottle of red. You need to get out of there even if that means you pay two rents until the lease is up.

random user 11453

MagicMarker wrote: »

By living in the next room and sharing a car?

What about the next time she goes out with the girls as a single woman? What will be running through your head that night as you're at home?

No way I could do it anyway.

We moved country and she has no friends here so her "going out with the girls" can never happen. Also, she doesn't drink so I've no problem there.

random user 11453

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

This is only going to end up one way, back in bed together. Sharing lifts, cars, etc. Back in bed together is next after a cosy Friday night in with a bottle of red. You need to get out of there even if that means you pay two rents until the lease is up.

As I said, she doesn't drink so the temptation to get drunk around each other isn't there.