breastfeeding in public

blocktober

I am breastfeeding my two week old son on demand which can be every three hours or every twenty minutes. So far I have fed him once in public, food hall of shopping centre. other than that though it was just in front of family in my home
The problem is with my mam in law. When she visited she made a comment about how my father and sister in law were uncomfortable when my other sister in law breastfed in front of them. (This was while I was breastfeeding) I replied fair play to her, baby has to be fed. Today we went to her house for dinner and I knew that I would be feeding my son at some stage. when I got there she said I have the den ready for you, I put a blanket in there for you as it can be cold, I told her I had no problem feeding him in the sitting room as it can take an hour and left it at that.
When it came to feeding him she again said the den is ready for you so I just went into the other room and fed him. My husband came in with us and we left shortly after
I am upset that she was determined to have me breastfed in the other room. At the same time I respect it's her house and she is clearly uncomfortable with breastfeeding. I am now planning on not going back to her house until we are done with breastfeeding. I feel real disappointed and upset too. Am I over reacting? Anybody got advice on how to deal with this?

bootybouncer

yes you are get over yourself..........................the father in law probably wanted to launch onto one of your bosoms for a sample

2xj3hplqgsbkym

I can understand your upset, my in laws were similar, suggesting I use a different room without actually saying it. A lot of Irish people are weird about breastfeeding, even young people.

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to go over now. Perhaps leave it a few weeks and see how you feel then. Then maybe invite them over to your house so you can do what you want. In the meantime if they live close by, could your husband bring baby over for an hour after baby has been fed.

Don't let her put you off breastfeeding but try not to fall out over it either as grandparents ate so important.

January

bootybouncer wrote: »

yes you are get over yourself..........................the father in law probably wanted to launch onto one of your bosoms for a sample

Unhelpful posting will not be tolerated here. Post like that again and you will receive a ban.

January

I knew my FIL was uncomfortable with breastfeeding so instead of leaving the room I just threw a cellular blanket over me and baby. I didn't breastfeed for long enough for it to become a problem though. Get a breastfeeding shawl and don't worry about her trying to shoo you into the den in future.

3DataModem

It's her house, I don't think its unreasonable for her to prepare an alternative room for you.

Stheno

As long as you are discreet I don't see why it is an issue, I'd a friend who breastfed, and tbh you'd be hard pressed to distinguish between her child snuggling up and breastfeeding

Your in laws sound a bit controlling.

lukesmom

Get a shawl and use it when feeding baby if you like. It's the most natural thing in the world so never let anybody make you feel bad for doing it, or shoo you anywhere.

abff

Stheno wrote: »

As long as you are discreet I don't see why it is an issue, I'd a friend who breastfed, and tbh you'd be hard pressed to distinguish between her child snuggling up and breastfeeding

Your in laws sound a bit controlling.

Have to agree. Have you had problems with your MIL before this? If so, then I think she is just using this to make you feel uncomfortable. If not, then maybe you should try having a heart to heart with her.

liliq

Your baby has to be fed, it's a basic need. I think your mother in law needs to get over it, as well as anyone else there.
It's not like your stripping down and doing a dance, I'm sure you're being relatively discreet.
If you were anywhere but in their home, they would be breaking the law.
My mother in law isn't entirely comfortable with me breadtfeeding my child but she's realised it's not going to change. If I'm going to be shooed or hidden away to nurse, My child and i won't be visiting.
I hope your partner is supportive, it can make it so difficult otherwise

blocktober

Thanks for the replies

I had a cover that is specific for breastfeeding. It's draws attention to the fact that I'm breastfeeding but covers everything.

We get on fairly well. I suppose that I'll just have to stick it out and leave the visits until I have a better feeding routine established.

I have no problem visiting her, I'm not falling out with her over it, I just plan on avoiding visiting as I felt a bit embarrassed and excluded which I disliked.

banbhaaifric

God I hate those covers, I think if anything they just draw attention to the whole affair.... It's like saying "don't think about a pink elephant". Maybe a muslin or something if you are uncomfortable and at least it can double as a burp cloth.

As stheno says, a breastfeeding child just looks like one who is snuggling. And with looser tops or the special breastfeeding ones you can hardly tell at all. I recently fed my daughter while walking around Kinsale and no one was any the wiser. My teenage daughter said she didn't even realise until she bent over the baby.

This is your mil's issue, not yours. (And she puts you in a room that gets a bit cold???!!) You are giving her grandchild the absolute best start in life and are being made to feel weird about it? Breastfeeding can be isolating enough sometimes when you feel tied to the baby, so the last thing you need is to be put in another room. As liliq said, anywhere else it would be illegal to ask. I'm all for respecting people's house rules, but this is hardly lighting up a fag in a non-smoking house.

Stick to your guns. They'll get used to it. My dad was a bit weird about it at first but after a short while didn't even notice.

Sorry if I sound a bit ranty. Probably because I am

cyning

I do think its unreasonable to expect you to move when your feeding your baby.

In all seriousness though my in laws had no experience of anyone breastfeeding ever. And I mean ever! They were horribly uncomfortable at the start. And that wasn't in their house, but in mine where I certainly was not moving. When we started visiting them after the first few weeks I did occasionally feed in the sitting room, but normally threw myself in the armchair in the corner of the kitchen and always made sure I was wearing a breastfeeding top, or a vest top and regular top in the same colour. That way they didn't even realise I was feeding the majority of the time. If I hadn't I would feed elsewhere, just because I do get on very well with them, and I was doing my best to make sure they were comfortable, after the comfort of my baby. I fed until she was 15 months so really and truly they just got used to it, and both say now how good a start she got. Muslins and covers really can draw more attention to it I find.

iguana

Would your husband talk to his mother. He could be really straightforward and tell her just how upset, disappointed and unwelcome she made you feel today and that you don't think you will be comfortable in their house as long as you are breastfeeding if visits are going to be like that. It's her home and it's her choice, she can either accept you feeding your son when necessary without excluding you or she can lay down conditions but accept that you won't then be visiting.

Neyite

I think my in-laws were unused to breastfeeding in front of them, so I used to go into the other sitting room, especially when the baby got a bit older and was more curious meaning he would stop feeding for a good look around.

Having said that, MIL would have a fire on (even during mild weather) in that room so it would be warm for us and would pop in to check if I needed a cuppa or anything else.

I would not visit again to be honest, and be straight with her (or rather get your husband to say this) the reason why. That you were upset at being evicted to a cold room to feed your child, and that she made it clear she was embarrassed, and since you don't wish to embarrass her further and you will be breastfeeding your baby until [insert whatever age] she is welcome to visit her grandchild in your home, or wait until they are weaned to visit their house.

How Strange

My dad is the type of man who would spontaneously combust if he caught sight of a nipple key alone his daughters nipple. When I started feeding my son I used to go into the sitting room where my mam had a fire lighting especially for us but after a few weeks I thought sod this and I just started lifting my top and feeding.

There was a lot of intense staring at TV or newspaper but within weeks my quintessential prude of a dad went from running out of the room to sitting there and chatting to me.

When I had my daughter it was so much easier as the ground was broken.

I'd say don't get confrontational about it but don't go to a different room either. Just feed your baby. They'll get used to it. Use a muslin cloth or scarf if it makes it easier for you.

Congrats on your little one btw

Red Nissan

OK, it's a dilemma, I was even embarrassed at my wife feeding our children. Odd seeing as I was [am] a supporter of breast feeding so I was surprised at myself.

December2012

Get your husband to tell his mother that if she wants to support you and her grandchild that she's going about it the wrong way - you need inclusion not exclusion.

She might think she's doing you a favour because she would be mortified if anybody saw her breasts.

ted1

3DataModem wrote: »

It's her house, I don't think its unreasonable for her to prepare an alternative room for you.

Its breast feeding. It's perfectly normal, breasts are not in display, there's a babies head latched on to it. If my patents said that to my wife 'd met them know that either she breasts feeds where she wants out we won't come over

Sala

Wow, I can't believe she wanted to banish you and the baby to the cold den!! Especially when there was a sitting room no one else was in?? I sincerely believe this weird Irish breastfeeding issue will only go away when people like you good self assert their right and need to breastfeed wherever and whenever necessary.

weetiepie

I completely agree with sala, the more people out there who breastfeed in public will help it become the norm and maybe Irish society will not be so prudish about it. Well done you though. I would advise doing whatever makes your life easier, your a new mum who doesn't need this hassle, so pick and choose your battles on this one..to prevent a bigger fall out with your in laws.
Breastfeed where ever, whenever you want, if your in laws are with you, but when it comes to their house perhaps go with the flow. Just perhaps limit the amount of time you spend in their house and let them come to yours.

I really hope it blows over for you, as I said you definitely don't need that kind of negativity in your life right now. Its such an amazing gift to give your child..good luck.


Omg just after watching holly McNish recite her poem 'embarrassed'...such a powerful and moving piece of work...a must see for every woman who has...'sat on a cold toilet seat' to feed her baby...

banbhaaifric

Yup, was in a shopping centre the other day and mentioned to a girl I know in a wheelchair I might need to feed the baby. She said loads of women use the disabled toilet if I wanted to go in there... It reminded me straight away of that poem.

sleepytrees

This is so rude of your MIL. Explain that you won't be going to her house in future because you don't want to be isolated when feeding your child. Breast feeding is pretty much on demand and it can get boring. Not fun sitting somewhere cold. Ask your mother in law when your baby is on solids will you be expected to put the highchair in the den too and feed him there??
Breast feeding is food and I really don't understand why someone would be uncomfortable! :mad: Most natural thing in the world. She should be ashamed for being so close minded and making a new mother uncomfortable.

meeeeh

I breast feed in front of my partners parents and others at home but in their house they had a fire ready in the sitting room. It was easier especially if there were some other visitors around. I had no problem breastfeeding in public and have done it quite a bit but often I prefered somewhere quiet.

I don't think the mil was intentionally insulting and I also don't think it is the issue worth fighting over. I'd just make sure I could go somewhere warm and comfortable. It's not that easy for people to overcome their hang ups about human body.

cmore123

I'm male and my kids were breast fed by their mother, the most natural thing in the world and lovely to watch. So I would support any woman doing that.

wmpdd3

I was such a clutz at getting baby to latch in the beginning that I used to use use a muslin tucked into my neck as a cover, also i felt better as baby was still getting enough air to breath. I used to have to lift up the entire breast and stuff it into babies mouth to get him on though.

But if anyone was uncomfortable both me and the baby would have been outta there. They can come visit me at my home under my rules if they are 'uncomfortable'. Baby fed all the time, I was inseparable from him, if you wanted to see him, you had to see me, end of.

It was more my family that had the sever intense stars at the telly and the, 'anyone want tea' announcements but now they are over it.

pwurple

Sala wrote: »

I sincerely believe this weird Irish breastfeeding issue will only go away when people like you good self assert their right and need to breastfeed wherever and whenever necessary.

Just to say my (irish) family never had a problem with me breastfeeding in front of them. It was the canadian and american visitors who were leaving the room. Plenty of irish people are like that too I'm sure, but generalisations by nationality are not fair. Plenty of irish people are perfectly fine with it. Even in the OP's extended family there is only one person making any fuss.

foodaholic

I used to get my LO to latch on in another room in private and then re join everyone when I had a good latch. The amount of smiles and nods I got of people when feeding in public was very reasurring.

lazygal

I was only made to feel a little uncomfortable once. When it was suggested I move to a more 'private' (ie cold sitting room away from the group) area I politely said I was fine where I was and fed away.

blocktober

Thanks again for the replies.

I have discussed them with my husband and he suggested that we visit again and if I am asked to go to the other room he will say in a non confrontational way that I can feed here and if there is an issue with it then they may visit us in our home.

That way we don't just stop visiting while being honest with her. I don't want to be passive aggressive or confrontational but at the same time I don't want to be sitting on my own when we visit for the next six months or so.

sari

Blocktober that sounds like I good idea. I had the same problem with my in laws and there is 100s of them!! Surprisingly it was the women who had a problem with it, in the end it was one of the older men who stuck up for me saying that I could feed him wherever I wanted. He asked them how would they feel if they came to my house and I asked them to bottle feed in another room??

Idrive

I hope it comes to a happy conclusion for you.
I would find it very unnerving to be asked to move to another room, especially as its family after all and you are just finding your feet.
You need a confidence boost, not shunned out of the way for fear of embarrassment.

Im expecting at the moment and have already received comments about how long i intend to breastfeed for and how it might make my father in law uncomfortable to be around me.. :eek:
Ive made it clear that anyone that has a nipple anxiety can just stay away. Their choice, i will not be made feel uncomfortable for providing for my baby with the perfect nourishment.

ferretone

I think your in-laws' views feelings and reactions on this are thankfully rare at this stage. My sister has been feeding for almost 2 years, and has never encountered that sort of reaction anywhere.

The vast majority wouldn't bat an eyelid at the feeding: however I myself had a very different reaction when out at a restaurant in the states with 2 couples from an American family, and one of the women actually got up and proceeded to change her baby's nappy (sorry, diaper ) on top of the next table over!! My own tolerance was stretched beyond its limits by this, and I'd hope society's will continue to see this as a tad beyond the pale too :rolleyes:

KCC

Blocktober: just soldier on and feed your baby whenever and wherever you want. Ride out your MIL's comments and "looks" and she'll get over it.

Ferrotone - OMG - I know how you feel. I know it's completely off topic, but close friends of ours actually have a changing mat on their kitchen table, where they change their baby. It never moves, even when everyone is sitting down to eat dinner and the whole kitchen constantly smells of you know what. One of the parents is actually a health professional! I'd love them to realise that you literally should not sh*t where you eat.

grarf

the attitudes of some people towards breastfeeding make me sad

I've thankfully not have had any issues on that front, and I've fed both in front of my MIL, SILs, nephews, nieces ... the entire family basically... Nobody said anything. I continued chatting away to them as if nothing was going on

one really nice thing that happened to me, and goes to show that the attitudes may just be changing: I was feeding my little girl on a bench on the prom out in Salthill, and this woman in her fifties walks by and goes: "that's so lovely to see, fair play to you"

long range shooter

http://nurturedchild.ca/index.php/2012/05/11/the-best-and-worst-places-in-the-industrialized-world-for-breastfeeding-support/

uli84

Oh im not irish and didnt know there were any issues with it. I breastfeed in public all the time, hope i wont get any grief soon especially since baby is over 6 months now.

The Princess Bride

I remember back in the day, at husband's niece christening, his sister in law telling me that if I needed to b/f, there was an empty room inside.
I replied that I'd finished feeding ages before-discreetly and quietly without any fuss, with lots of children and adults rushing around, noticing nothing.
She was uncomfortable as she'd never b/f herself, and somehow thought I'd have to take most of my clothes off (& expose myself in doing so?????) in order to b/f.

OP -have a word with her, show her how well the baby is thriving, get husband to tell her how proud he is/ you are that you're b/fing her grandchild-
Remind her that your decision to breastfeed her grandchild is the most natural decision in the world, and that your intention wasn't to make them feel uncomfortable.

Hopefully, she'll feel embarrassed and change her mind.

liliq

There was an article in today's independent about breastfeeding in public!
It's really no wonder that our Breastfeeding rates are so low when our culture is so unsupportive of mothers.

ferretone

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I remember back in the day, at husband's niece christening, his sister in law telling me that if I needed to b/f, there was an empty room inside.
I replied that I'd finished feeding ages before-discreetly and quietly without any fuss, with lots of children and adults rushing around, noticing nothing.
She was uncomfortable as she'd never b/f herself, and somehow thought I'd have to take most of my clothes off (& expose myself in doing so?????) in order to b/f.

Princess, that is a really good point you make: perhaps that is where the residual discomfort is still creeping in, especially as it seems to predominantly women who seem to be having the problem with it.

Could it be that they feel guilty for not having breastfed themselves, and are therefore uncomfortable with having others do it around them? If so, I still don't know what would be the way to proceed, but perhaps understanding that might be a step towards fixing it?

Hannibal Smith

ferretone wrote: »

Princess, that is a really good point you make: perhaps that is where the residual discomfort is still creeping in, especially as it seems to predominantly women who seem to be having the problem with it.

Could it be that they feel guilty for not having breastfed themselves, and are therefore uncomfortable with having others do it around them? If so, I still don't know what would be the way to proceed, but perhaps understanding that might be a step towards fixing it?

Or maybe the woman was perfectly happy with her decision not to breastfeed and was just uncomfortable because of her unfamiliarity with what it would entail and how much would be on show? Fair enough its very childish and naive but I don't see why it should translate into 'sheddidn't breastfeed so therefore is jealous of those that so'.

I never breastfed but anyone coming into my home is more than welcome to feed their baby anyway they like. And I don't feel guilty or bad or in any way less a mother for not doing it.

That said op your baby is only 2 weeks...if the in laws haven't been around someone who breastfeeds before perhaps they just need a little time to get used to it. What happens when they come round to your house?

Wooha

I'm still a newbie at breast feeding with babba just under two weeks, but can I say that the opposite is just as unnerving!! My Mum is visiting for two weeks and she is fiercly interested... I was sitting on the armchair yesterday trying to get my boob out (still trying to get the hang out of those maternity bra's) and she was standing about 10 inches away from me, bent forward and intensely staring at me and my boob trying to get the boob out and trying to get him to latch on...

runawaybishop

Sala wrote: »

Wow, I can't believe she wanted to banish you and the baby to the cold den!! Especially when there was a sitting room no one else was in?? I sincerely believe this weird Irish breastfeeding issue will only go away when people like you good self assert their right and need to breastfeed wherever and whenever necessary.

You don't have a right to do anything in someone else's home and forcing the issue will just cause trouble.

Looks like the OP has the right idea, get the husband to tell his mother how she feels and if they still insist on forcing her into another room just leave and tell them they are welcome to visit the baby in their home, where breastfeeding is not seen as something that must be done behind closed doors.

meeeeh

liliq wrote: »

There was an article in today's independent about breastfeeding in public!
It's really no wonder that our Breastfeeding rates are so low when our culture is so unsupportive of mothers.

According to the study posted above I'm from a country that is in second place on the breastfeeding friendly list. There is f all difference between attitudes in Ireland and there. If anything there is more support in health service for it here. The only relevant difference I can notice is that formula is twice as expensive as is in Irealnd. I don't know why Irish mothers don't breastfeed but it is not because some evil society is forcing formula into baby's mouths.

Maybe we should stop trying to make a stand about breastfeeding or stop thinking it is some sort of a sacrifice and then more people would try it. There can be some problems with breastfeeding at beginning but after that it is a lot simpler, easier and also more intimate way of feeding a child. And it creates a special bond. Once we stop thinking of breastfeeding as a sort of a special achievement the rates will increase. And btw I would stop handing out those annoyingly smug leaflets why is breastfeeding better than formula and just hand out leaflets how to breastfeed and what support is there. And then you can also increase price of formula which should force some poorer women (who are more likely to bottle feed anyway) to breastfeed.

lang

Breastfeeding in public... what could be more natural and wonderful to see?! My wife is currently feeding our first child. It was a concern of mine before she was born that my wife would find it very uncomfortable to feed our daughter outside of the house. No concern was warranted! To my complete joy and admiration my wife (and daughter) took to this like ducks to water. We have been in other people's houses, cafes, etc and, when needs must, out comes the boob and on goes daughter. We have received nothing but positive comments from staff in cafes, no comments either way from friends. Staff in cafes have been nothing but accommodating to our needs (since we are currently topping-up feeds).

I am amazed at the ease at which my wife has taken to this as she would have been such a private person prior to our daughter arrival. I would say that for any partner it is very important that they support their partner in her want to feed in public.

pwurple

ferretone wrote: »

Could it be that they feel guilty for not having breastfed themselves, and are therefore uncomfortable with having others do it around them? If so, I still don't know what would be the way to proceed, but perhaps understanding that might be a step towards fixing it?

I breastfed for a short while and I've no probs with anyone feeding in my house. My friends feed their babies fairly regularly in the house when they come over, I barely even notice it when we are chatting, most people are dab hands at it. There is one girl though, and she is so nervous, it makes me wonder what to do with myself. She gets out a creastfeeding cover that fastens around her neck and covers the baby and herself completely from neck to waist. Then she can't see the baby, so is distracted trying to see under it to sort out the latch, without exposing herself... and then the velcro opens on the back, and she is trying to get that retied one-handed. Honestly I just feel like asking if she would be more comfortable in another room with me and the kids out of the way? But I let her work away... I don't know. It's not guilt or anything like that. I am uncomfortable because I feel she is flustered.

sari

Was in town today and seen a lady bf her tiny little newborn, was so lovely, I smiled to her as I walked by she probably thought I was some nutter!! Anyway after I thought maybe I should have mentioned the local breastfeeding group to her, it's a pretty small area here and a small group.
What do you think, how would you feel if someone approached you and mentioned something like this to you? Is it inappropriate or friendly?
Sorry off topic a bit

wmpdd3

I was in a playground in the early days with my daughter when I had to feed my son, I had to sit on the nearest thing, a roundabout and feed him.

This lovely lady came over to, I don't know, cheerlead me in a way. She was lovely and she did mention places I could go and sit locally and local groups but I had been to them all. I was so embarrassed for her, I think she really missed feeding her two who were about 4 and 5.

It was nice but odd!

lmullen

When I feed my little one when my 2 nieces are around they stand right in front of me giggling! At least they'll be well exposed to it! My first girl (16 months) says Mmmmm yummy every time I feed dd! I was feeding in the playground the other day and a little girl was very curious her minder didn't know what to do she was so embarrassed!

lang

@January Had forgotten about the use of abbreviations. Taken note of it and will not use them in future.

Orion

Ha - feeding is an AH topic now ... http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057076752

I personally love the response from BNMC: "What colour was the bus?"