Is this man right ?

Sunnyisland

Talking to a friend of mine who told me that when he went upstairs in his house yesterday his caught his girlfriend going through his phone messages :eek: he is absolutely disgusted with her and he has now finished with her,

Is he right to finish a four year relationship over this ?

catallus

Some chicks are just nosey that way. It's a fact of life. If he thought it was bad enough to break up with her then who's to say otherwise?

Frosty McSnowballs

That's what Donnie Don't would do!

kneemos

realies wrote: »

Talking to a friend of mine who told me that when he went upstairs in his house yesterday his caught his girlfriend going through his phone messages :eek: he is absolutely disgusted with her and he has now finished with her,

Is he right to finish a four year relationship over this ?

Was he having his period or something?

Eight Ball

If she was crap in bed then he was right.

Sunnyisland

kneemos wrote: »

Was he having his period or something?

They haven't been really getting on according to him thought it was a bit harsh myself.

The Big Smoke

0 excuse for looking through anyones phone, if you don't trust your own partner I'd question as to why you'd bother being with them.

Cee-Jay-Cee

Did he tell you what he had to hide? No one with a clear conscience would have acted like that, he seen an opportunity to get out of a relationship and used her going through his messages as an excuse.

stimpson

I thought this was going to be about her fiddling with herself.

I am disappoint.

The Big Smoke

CJC999 wrote: »

Did he tell you what he had to hide? No one with a clear conscience would have acted like that, he seen an opportunity to get out of a relationship and used her going through his messages as an excuse.

Absolute bull**** to be honest.

poundapunnet

Could see it being a last straw I guess, maybe? was there anything bad in there? Tbh if she'd check his messages in the first place and he'd break up with her over it they're probably better of not being together

Mech1

It doesn't matter how nice an ass she has,

Somebody somewhere is sick of her sh*t.

Stheno

Sounds like it was the last straw alright if they weren't getting on.

I don't really get the fuss over phones and going through them, but then I've feck all stuff on my phone to be of any interest to anyone.

Sunnyisland

CJC999 wrote: »

Did he tell you what he had to hide? No one with a clear conscience would have acted like that, he seen an opportunity to get out of a relationship and used her going through his messages as an excuse.

In the argument they had later he said it was like some one going through his personnel diary.

CJC999

CJC999 wrote: »

Did he tell you what he had to hide? No one with a clear conscience would have acted like that, he seen an opportunity to get out of a relationship and used her going through his messages as an excuse.

Rubbish.

My conscience is totally clear and I wouldn't tolerate ANYONE invading my privacy and the privacy of the people who texted me in that way.

It's a big abuse of trust and says a lot about what they consider acceptable boundaries and in my experience only the terminally insecure and/or jealous-minded busybodies would do it. Not someone I'd be interested in.

I've been asked why I had a code lock on my phone, and it was a huge red flag. If you trust someone, then trust them. Otherwise go snoop on someone else.

5live

OP, you werehe was right.

Trust trumps all else. No trust, no relationship.

Senor Fancy Pants

Senor Fancy Pants wrote: »

That's what Donnie Don't would do!

Don't do what donny don't does!

canadianwoman

catallus wrote: »

Some chicks are just nosey that way. It's a fact of life. If he thought it was bad enough to break up with her then who's to say otherwise?

99% of chicks are nosy that way.

Source: I'm a Hen.

Wibbs

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. It was already pver bar the shouting and this clinched it. Handy get out for him too.

Personally if I caught a girlfriend going through my phone/emails it would be a very serious matter for me. If that was the only blot on an otherwise normal relationship then OK, but there would be a serious talk taking place. If it was a symptom of a wider insecurity/nosiness or the catchall that she was going on her "gut"? I'd give her directions to the door and close it behind her.

It's not a gender thing either. Controlling men will pull this guff too. Though I have noticed that when women do it on "gut feeling" they're much more likely to be supported by other women for their snooping. NOT all, not even most women, but more support than guys would provide for this kinda guff.

IMH you can generally spot this kinda crap early on if you keep your eyes open and disengage your willie. I had one woman I was seeing a few years back and I had suspicions she was snooping. So I sent myself a text saying something along the lines of "Dear X, if you're reading this you're a controlling wagon". few days later in a bar one night I go to the loo, leaving my phone and come back to a face like thunder. It was brilliant. She was stupified with rage, but couldn't say a damn thing. Added to this I am not one of those guys who will keep on asking "are you OK" if there's a mood on. I'll ask once and if I don't get a reply I move on. So I left her stew. Broke up with her that night. Can't be dealing with that shíte a month into a new relationship. IMagine getting stuck with that kinda mental? No thanks.

canadianwoman

canadianwoman wrote: »

99% of chicks are nosy that way.

Source: I'm a Hen.

I don't think so. I don't know anyone who would consider that reasonable behaviour.

catallus

If we were all held to the standard of" reasonable behaviour" there'd be about two weddings a year worldwide.

OneArt

Anyone nosing through my affairs would be booted out.

Dead f*cking right.

catallus

catallus wrote: »

If we were all held to the standard of" reasonable behaviour" there'd be about two weddings a year worldwide.

Speak for you and your circle, not for everyone.

Snooping on someones private messages is outrageously intrusive and cannot be justified, in my opinion.

canadianwoman

Candie wrote: »

Rubbish.

My conscience is totally clear and I wouldn't tolerate ANYONE invading my privacy and the privacy of the people who texted me in that way.

It's a big abuse of trust and says a lot about what they consider acceptable boundaries and in my experience only the terminally insecure and/or jealous-minded busybodies would do it. Not someone I'd be interested in.

I've been asked why I had a code lock on my phone, and it was a huge red flag. If you trust someone, then trust them. Otherwise go snoop on someone else.

I had an ex like this. He was so adamant regarding his phone and email privacy. Me on the other hand couldn't give a flying fig about it.I've nothing to hide and if someone wants to snoop on me they won't find anything worth reading there anyway. I often tell people if they want to know *anything* about me simply ask and I will tell you.

canadianwoman

canadianwoman wrote: »

I had an ex like this. He was so adamant regarding his phone and email privacy. Me on the other hand couldn't give a flying fig about it.I've nothing to hide and if someone wants to snoop on me they won't find anything worth reading there anyway. I often tell people if they want to know *anything* about me simply ask and I will tell you.

See, that has zero to do with my position. I know damn well I've nothing to hide.

What I can't stomach is someone feeling they're entitled to be in on private conversations by reading my private messages. It's not hiding something, it's respecting my own privacy and that of the people who contact me, and trusting me enough not to feel they have to check up on me.

It's a respect thing. Non-negotiable.

Sauve

canadianwoman wrote: »

I had an ex like this. He was so adamant regarding his phone and email privacy. Me on the other hand couldn't give a flying fig about it.I've nothing to hide and if someone wants to snoop on me they won't find anything worth reading there anyway. I often tell people if they want to know *anything* about me simply ask and I will tell you.

But they're not just reading things you wrote, they're reading messages from people who have contacted you, presuming that it'll be read by only you.

If I thought that a friends' partner was reading a conversation I had with him/her, I'd be extremely unimpressed. Especially if they knew about it and didn't see it as an issue.

ZeitgeistGlee

realies wrote: »

They haven't been really getting on according to him thought it was a bit harsh myself.

Straw that broke the camel's back by the sound of it. Fairly blatant act of distrust there on her part to go through his phone, irrespective of whether he has something to hide or not.

catallus

Candie wrote: »

See, that has zero to do with my position. I know damn well I've nothing to hide.

What I can't stomach is someone feeling they're entitled to be in on private conversations by reading my private messages. It's not hiding something, it's respecting my own privacy and that of the people who contact me, and trusting me enough not to feel they have to check up on me.

It's a respect thing. Non-negotiable.

That's a very lonely way to live one's life.
The OP was talking about people in a 4 year relationship. There was obviously underlying issues going on. Nobody sane would break up with someone over such a trivial matter, unless the texts were in some way going to cause trouble.

I guess ego-centrism has a very large part to play in the whole thing. The "MeMeMe and nothing else matters" syndrome.

canadianwoman

Sauve wrote: »

But they're not just reading things you wrote, they're reading messages from people who have contacted you, presuming that it'll be read by only you.

If I thought that a friends' partner was reading a conversation I had with him/her, I'd be extremely unimpressed. Especially if they knew about it and didn't see it as an issue.

Which is why I delete all email conversations as soon as I have answered them.


If I was in a relationship with someone and they read these conversations before I had a chance to read them (like haven't checked my email yet) then that would be a problem with me once I found out about it....not for my privacy but for the privacy of the other person involved in the email conversation.

catallus

catallus wrote: »

That's a very lonely way to live one's life.
The OP was talking about people in a 4 year relationship. There was obviously underlying issues going on. Nobody sane would break up with someone over such a trivial matter, unless the texts were in some way going to cause trouble.

I guess ego-centrism has a very large part to play in the whole thing. The "MeMeMe and nothing else matters" syndrome.

I hope you mean the 'mememe' mentality of a person who feels entitled to snoop on someone else and all the people who message them.

Otherwise I can't see anything lonely about expecting respect or trust in a relationship. It's the very least I'd expect.

ZeitgeistGlee

catallus wrote: »

That's a very lonely way to live one's life.
The OP was talking about people in a 4 year relationship. There was obviously underlying issues going on. Nobody sane would break up with someone over such a trivial matter, unless the texts were in some way going to cause trouble.

I guess ego-centrism has a very large part to play in the whole thing. The "MeMeMe and nothing else matters" syndrome.

How is it trivial to be angry at someone for breaching your privacy? It's a complete lack of respect for the other person in the relationship.

catallus

Candie wrote: »

I hope you mean the 'mememe' mentality of a person who feels entitled to snoop on someone else and all the people who message them.

Otherwise I can't see anything lonely about expecting respect or trust in a relationship. It's the very least I'd expect.

No Candie, I mean the mentality of people who think their texts are so precious that they're off limits even to people they purportedly love and care about, and then throw a hissy-fit about the whole thing.

Sauve

canadianwoman wrote: »

Which is why I delete all email conversations as soon as I have answered them.

You shouldn't feel you have to though. Nobody should be going anywhere near your personal conversations.

Pumpkinseeds

Emails, texts and post etc are all very personal things. In a relationship you have to respect each others privacy and if someone is snooping on their partner it's a violation of that trust.

canadianwoman

catallus wrote: »

Nobody sane would break up with someone over such a trivial matter

A guy I used to converse with on Youtube and Facebook decided to end our 'friendship' after 6 months because I changed my email address a couple of times and deactivated my Facebook account once (I was tired of FB at the time).

At least that was what he had told me.

Wibbs

catallus |

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canadianwoman

Sauve wrote: »

You shouldn't feel you have to though. Nobody should be going anywhere near your personal conversations.

I know I don't have to but I grew up with a very nosy sister and deleting emails is just habit for me now.

catallus

catallus wrote: »

No Candie, I mean the mentality of people who think their texts are so precious that they're off limits even to people they purportedly love and care about, and then throw a hissy-fit about the whole thing.

They aren't the ones being precious. The ones who snoop are the brats in this scenario. If you can't see that the senders deserve privacy as well as the recipients deserve trust, then you and I will never agree.

I'd hate to think someone's nosy other half felt entitled to read some of the texts I've sent in the past, but if you're happy to live like that, then go for it.

miss no stars

catallus wrote: »

That's a very lonely way to live one's life.
The OP was talking about people in a 4 year relationship. There was obviously underlying issues going on. Nobody sane would break up with someone over such a trivial matter, unless the texts were in some way going to cause trouble.

I guess ego-centrism has a very large part to play in the whole thing. The "MeMeMe and nothing else matters" syndrome.

It's not trivial. An act like that says 'I don't trust you'. Knowing that she snoops into something that's CLEARLY private also means that the guy can't trust her. How could you trust a person who sneaks around behind your back? I couldn't. The problem with that kind of snooping is that it's also very easy to get the wrong end of the stick... If you go looking for something incriminating, it's easy to read something into nothing. For instance, my housemate who signs off along the lines of 'love you babe. Xoxoxoxoxox Luvs!!!!!' It's a joke, but if someone wanted to read into it they could.

It sounds like he was right. If things weren't working and then she does something like that, it's highly likely there have been other things they've fallen out over and this was the last straw that left him saying 'I can't trust her. There's no relationship here, I can't do this'

catallus

Talk about being self-involved. A bit of proportionality needs to be brought to bear on this scenario. How did she get into his phone? Did he not have a lock on it? (I have a lock on my own and it kicks in after 3 seconds idle, and my phone is never more than 15 metres from me at any time.)

If you want security and privacy from the people you care about then you have to put a bit of effort in. That means not leaving your phone open on a bedside locker while you go and take a ****. It's fair game otherwise.

wazky

Just change your bit on the sides name to "mammy" on your phone, problem sorted.

The Big Smoke

catallus wrote: »

Talk about being self-involved. A bit of proportionality needs to be brought to bear on this scenario. How did she get into his phone? Did he not have a lock on it? (I have a lock on my own and it kicks in after 3 seconds idle, and my phone is never more than 15 metres from me at any time.)

If you want security and privacy from the people you care about then you have to put a bit of effort in. That means not leaving your phone open on a bedside locker while you go and take a ****. It's fair game otherwise.

Christ, so if your partner is more that 15 metres away from their phone you have the right to read their private correspondence? Where did you find this moronic law?

creep

She must of having blue waffle.

catallus

The Big Smoke wrote: »

Christ, so if your partner is more that 15 metres away from their phone you have the right to read their private correspondence? Where did you find this moronic law?

It's not a law. I don't see how you can infer a prerogative from what I have stated.

My point is that if you're so prissy about people reading your "private correspondence" (lol) then you're the one with the problem.

The Big Smoke

catallus wrote: »

It's not a law. I don't see how you can infer a prerogative from what I have stated.

My point is that if you're so prissy about people reading your "private correspondence" (lol) then you're the one with the problem.

If you feel the need to read a partners private correspondence, you have trust issues. There is no reason to be a nosey cunt.

creep

Any relationship I've been in is phone lock code and pin number onto my sim card. Profile on laptop has a secure password and any important information is encrypted and set her up own user account. I also clear my browsing history. Any post at all possible is switched to paperless billing. Hate nosy bitches

sparesandwich

Apt username.

Chattastrophe!

creep wrote: »

Any relationship I've been in is phone lock code and pin number onto my sim card. Profile on laptop has a secure password and any important information is encrypted. I also clear my browsing history. Any post at all possible is switched to paperless billing. Hate nosy bitches

If I felt the need to take those precautions, then in my view, it wouldn't be much of a relationship.

Too Tough To Die

Meh, sort of half expect your partner to do that from time to time.

creep

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

If I felt the need to take those precautions, then in my view, it wouldn't be much of a relationship.

Why not I dont want her reading my text messages or look at what I am viewing or doing online. Its none of her business

Femme_Fatale

creep wrote: »

Why not I dont want her reading my text messages or look at what I am viewing or doing online. Its none of her business

But why are you so sure that she'd do so?