What went wrong?

LegacyUser

I met this guy a few months ago on a night out and he asked me on a date the following week. It went great, we had a few drinks, exchanged a few kisses, and he walked me to my taxi.

The next morning I woke up to a text from him saying he'd a brilliant time on our date and that I was a really attractive girl.

A week or two went by where we exchanged texts a lot less frequently. About two weeks later he asked me out again. We did the same thing, drinks and lots of kissing. This time he asked me back to his and I declined.

Since then I haven't heard from him. I sent him a text which he ignored.

Tbh I know the answer stands out. 'He asked you back to his and you said no, he was obviously only after one thing'.

The thing is, I've dated quite a few guys and in my experience there are two general types, 1) the creep who'll charm you until you sleep with him and then they'll blow you off and 2) the guy that is genuinely nice and it's clear that he's not only seeking something physical. Well that's my experience anyway. I was 100% sure that this guy fitted into the type 2 category. He was a gentleman, very polite, intelligent etc. so I can't understand what happened. I guess I'm just looking for someone to cheer me up as I quite liked this guy and I feel like it has blown my confidence, being ignored isn't a nice feeling.

Dixie Chick

Hiya,

It really is a pity when that happens to you. And it does happen a lot I found when single myself and also through single friends. He has ignored your text so really I would think that this is kinda rude but alas is the name of the game.

You will be able to shrug it off soon anyway hopefully.

ETA: nothing went wrong, and you did nothing wrong.

Czarcasm

As Dixie says, nothing went wrong OP. You just weren't prepared to sleep with him and so he decided to move on. It could've happened after a few weeks, it could've happened after a few months, you were just lucky it happened sooner rather than later.

Of course it was rude of him not to let you know, but there's no hard and fast rules in the dating game that says he has to. Best thing you can do is just chalk it down to experience and move on.

Brego888

He just wasn't that into you.

boomkatalog

Sometimes really nice guys would rather something casual too.

Don't waster your time worrying about what went wrong, you're dead right not to go back with him if you didn't want to, and if that is why he has lost interest, his loss.

TwoGallants

I think he was in to you, felt offended that you rejected his physical advances, and has interpreted this as meaning you're not attracted to him. We men are somewhat stupid, you need to make it clear that you are attracted to him, just not ready to have sex with him. It sounds kind of unusual that you would have such a great time with somebody, kiss them loads, and then not have sex with them after a couple of dates? This is the 21st century and its kind of uncommon not to just have sex if that is what you want. Maybe he thought you were being a tease and he reasoned you weren't worth the effort? I don't know. But having been in similar positions before, I would wager his thought process are similar to at least one of the statements I made above.

In short: you don't need to jump in bed with him after a couple of dates, but don't lead a guy on in future. If you kiss like crazy and all the rest and then choose not to have sex, he is going to conclude you're a tease. Just saying.

Czarcasm

TwoGallants wrote: »

I think he was in to you, felt offended that you rejected his physical advances, and has interpreted this as meaning you're not attracted to him. We men are somewhat stupid, you need to make it clear that you are attracted to him, just not ready to have sex with him. It sounds kind of unusual that you would have such a great time with somebody, kiss them loads, and then not have sex with them after a couple of dates? This is the 21st century and its kind of uncommon not to just have sex if that is what you want. Maybe he thought you were being a tease and he reasoned you weren't worth the effort? I don't know. But having been in similar positions before, I would wager his thought process are similar to at least one of the statements I made above.

Ehh, speak for yourself there TG

While you make a good point though about the guy thinking the OP was a tease, it doesn't matter if it's the 20th, 21st or even the 25th century - the OP even if they were just kissing for weeks, still doesn't owe the guy anything, nor does he owe her anything.

Vision of Disorder

TwoGallants wrote: »

In short: you don't need to jump in bed with him after a couple of dates, but don't lead a guy on in future. If you kiss like crazy and all the rest and then choose not to have sex, he is going to conclude you're a tease. Just saying.

I can't agree with this personally (different strokes etc. obviously). Anybody, of either gender, is entitled to kiss/grope/fondle as passionately as they want and still not automatically move onto sex. It's how I spent my weekend to be honest and I certainly don't think the girl (or the OP) is a tease because of it.

OP, you had a couple of pleasant dates with a guy who, unbeknownst to you, was a prick. What manner of prick he is (and we come in a myriad of forms and varieties) is unclear (was he put out because you wouldn't put out, did he feel rejected and unloved, is he just ignorant/socially malformed/whatever?). As well as being unclear it's unimportant. You dodged a bullet. Somebody who hasn't basic human manners is of little loss to you. A small amount of feeling rejected is certainly forgivable in the aftermath but you shouldn't dwell on it. Onwards and upwards.

TwoGallants

Look, maybe it sounded harsher than it meant to be, but if I was out on a date and we were kissing like mad, fondling etc. I would (not unreasonably) conclude that things were going well. If I asked the OP back to mine and she refused, I would probably conclude that there is some outdated Catholic thing going on in the background and that alone would probably irritate me. But if she explained that she wanted to wait I would be ok with that. If she were reacting well to me earlier and then said no to sex without making it clear that she wanted to wait (whilst making it clear she didn't have any religious hangups) I would conclude she was something of a tease. This would be the calculation going on in my mind, at least.

Nobody should feel like they have to have sex, but I'm just giving the male's point of view here. To be honest, most of the women I've been with have been non Irish and haven't had these sex hang ups, perhaps its a cultural thing.

P.S- I consider myself a feminist and would never dream of using a word like 'slut', so maybe my relative libertinism may be unusual!

Czarcasm

Jesus TG you're WAY over-analysing there, that'd be a major turn off in itself tbh.

Obliq

TwoGallants wrote: »

...but don't lead a guy on in future.

Yeah...whatever dude. Really, REALLY unfortunate you said this ^^ though...."libertarian attitude" - Don't make me laugh....

Like, who are you to say anyone was leading anyone on? Were you there? And what's bleedin wrong with saying no? Would the man get a pain in his tackle "that won't go away, unless..."??

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I think the most accurate reason for him cutting me off was already said 'he's just not that into you'. However, we've been on three dates, and if he wasn't into me, I doubt he'd have asked me on the second, then the third etc. Which has left me feeling confused.

About declining to go home with him that night, I really wanted to go home with him! (I am human afterall) I was conscious of been regarded as being a slut and ruining any chance of progression with him. I didn't want him to think that I must sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry after only a few dates. I know people will say sex is just sex and tbh I have a very high sex drive but I'd hate to sleep so soon with someone who I quite like for fear of being regarded as a slut basically. Is this abnormal?

And to the person you said 'some guys are thick and would take that as meaning I wasn't interested', he definitely knows I was interested. Few too many vodkas led to the over-honesty!

TwoGallants

Obliq wrote: »

Yeah...whatever dude. Really, REALLY unfortunate you said this ^^ though...."libertarian attitude" - Don't make me laugh....

Like, who are you to say anyone was leading anyone on? Were you there? And what's bleedin wrong with saying no? Would the man get a pain in his tackle "that won't go away, unless..."??

Theres a difference between a libertine and a libertarian... but anywaaaay I think somebody over-reacted a bit. I'm just giving the majority view of 50% of the human population, the OP was getting the same responses from people. Sorry for saying what basically every man is already thinking.

Vision of Disorder

TwoGallants wrote: »

but I'm just giving the A male's point of view here.

Fixed that for you.

I'm not in any way religious (just another typically clueless heterosexual male) and still wouldn't presume that because a girl kisses me or goes down on me or whatever else takes your fancy that sex is a definite that I've been indirectly offered. I don't mean to be critical of you at all to be honest and, to be fair, I agree that your view on this is quite widely held. I don't think that it's so widely prevalent though that the OP should have felt concerned about 'leading him on' or however you phrased it. If he had an iota of common sense he had to realise that two dates where a girl kissed him doesn't make it an impossibility that she might not want to go home with him yet.

If the lad the OP refers to dropped her because he felt like that she should feel ZERO culpability or responsibility. It's not up to her to cater to the expectations of every horny man-child she has dinner or a drink with.

TwoGallants

Czarcasm wrote: »

Jesus TG you're WAY over-analysing there, that'd be a major turn off in itself tbh.

I'm not trying to turn anyone 'on' or 'off', I'm offering an impartial analysis of what probably happened here.

LegacyUser

Also I forgot to say, I feel like the man has to approve of me rather than the other way around. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't feel like this but I do. Maybe this need for approval came across as the dates progressed? And it's all because if a woman sleeps with the guy she's a slut, whereas a man does it and there's no problem, hence I feel this way.

TwoGallants

Vision of Disorder wrote: »

Fixed that for you.

I'm not in any way religious (just another typically clueless heterosexual male) and still wouldn't presume that because a girl kisses me or goes down on me or whatever else takes your fancy that sex is a definite that I've been indirectly offered. I don't mean to be critical of you at all to he honest and, to be fair, I agree that your view on this is quite widely held. I don't think that it's so widely prevalent though that the OP should have felt concerned about 'leading him on' or however you phrased it. If he had an iota of common sense he had to realise that two dates where a girl kissed him doesn't make it an impossibility that she might not want to go home with him yet.

If the lad the OP refers to dropped her because he felt like that she should feel ZERO culpability or responsibility. It's not up to her to cater to the expectations of every horny man-child she has dinner or a drink with.

I still don't think you understand where I'm coming from, and calling him a 'horny man child' is probably indicative of this. The guy the OP was seeing was expecting sex, possibly not unrealistically in light of all the passionate kissing the OP was engaging in. If this had happened to me I would conclude the OP was a tease and/or had some catholic guilt thing going on in the background. Like many men, perhaps most men raised in the 21st century, I would find that in itself a major turn off.

I think the OP would have been better to have made it clear that she wasn't ready for sex yet. The male in this discussion did not behave unreasonably, I don't think.

simonsays1

TwoGallants wrote: »

It sounds kind of unusual that you would have such a great time with somebody, kiss them loads, and then not have sex with them after a couple of dates? This is the 21st century and its kind of uncommon not to just have sex if that is what you want.

You are really only looking at this from one point of view- Your point of view

Obliq

TwoGallants wrote: »

I still don't think you understand where I'm coming from, and calling him a 'horny man child' is probably indicative of this. The guy the OP was seeing was expecting sex, possibly not unrealistically in light of all the passionate kissing the OP was engaging in. If this had happened to me I would conclude the OP was a tease and/or had some catholic guilt thing going on in the background. Like many men, perhaps most men raised in the 21st century, I would find that in itself a major turn off.

I think the OP would have been better to have made it clear that she wasn't ready for sex yet. The male in this discussion did not behave unreasonably, I don't think.

Jesus H. So far you have accused the OP of "leading him on", apparently being the sole participant in "all the passionate kissing", being "a tease" and having "catholic guilt" for turning the man down. Horny man-child doesn't even begin to address the problem you are proclaiming loudly that "many men, perhaps most men raised in the 21st century" have with being turned down...

Czarcasm

TwoGallants wrote: »

Theres a difference between a libertine and a libertarian... but anywaaaay I think somebody over-reacted a bit. I'm just giving the majority view of 50% of the human population, the OP was getting the same responses from people. Sorry for saying what basically every man is already thinking.

TG with all due respect, stop trying to speak for anybody but yourself. You're making a very poor job of it.

thegreatgonzo

Obliq wrote: »

Yeah...whatever dude. Really, REALLY unfortunate you said this ^^ though...."libertarian attitude" - Don't make me laugh....

Like, who are you to say anyone was leading anyone on? Were you there? And what's bleedin wrong with saying no? Would the man get a pain in his tackle "that won't go away, unless..."??

Thank you obliq, you got there before me!

thegreatgonzo

OP similar things have happened to me in the past and my only regret now is that I ever wasted 5 minutes wondering what went wrong with whoever it was. You probably dodged a bullet so don't let it get you down there are lovely guys out there:-)

Taltos

TwoGallants - welcome to PI/RI. Please take some time now to read our charter. Generalisations are not welcome here at all, cannot stress that one enough - they have in the past resulted in bans.
Czarcasm, simonsays1, Obliq, thegreatgonzo - if you have an issue with a post report it, also never ever attack the poster. Finally if you have no constructive advice to offer please don't post. You may not agree with TG's opinion but nonetheless it is just their opinion.

Further posts like the above will now either result in moderator action or the unpleasant action of closing this thread.

Thanks all
Taltos

Bolikov

op_here wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I think the most accurate reason for him cutting me off was already said 'he's just not that into you'. However, we've been on three dates, and if he wasn't into me, I doubt he'd have asked me on the second, then the third etc. Which has left me feeling confused.

About declining to go home with him that night, I really wanted to go home with him! (I am human afterall) I was conscious of been regarded as being a slut and ruining any chance of progression with him. I didn't want him to think that I must sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry after only a few dates. I know people will say sex is just sex and tbh I have a very high sex drive but I'd hate to sleep so soon with someone who I quite like for fear of being regarded as a slut basically. Is this abnormal?

And to the person you said 'some guys are thick and would take that as meaning I wasn't interested', he definitely knows I was interested. Few too many vodkas led to the over-honesty!

Well If I thought a girl worried about being a slut Id probably lose interest as well.

Obliq

op_here wrote: »

Also I forgot to say, I feel like the man has to approve of me rather than the other way around. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't feel like this but I do. Maybe this need for approval came across as the dates progressed? And it's all because if a woman sleeps with the guy she's a slut, whereas a man does it and there's no problem, hence I feel this way.

Hi OP. I'm a bit disgusted with myself that I actually ignored (didn't even see) this post, in favour of getting annoyed with some previous comments, so sorry about that!

Not to get involved in another tit for tat with people who have different views, but what really got my back up were the EXPECTATIONS that everyone is up against when dating someone (especially in the early stages). It makes me properly angry that no matter what you do, have sex within 5 mins of meeting someone/don't want to until you're sure, you will be labelled as either a slut or a tease.

At my age, I don't care what way I look to anyone else, but I spent at least 15 sexually active years being concerned about that very thing you mention - approval. I reckon what got me out of that mindset was actual anger. I got angry that there would be judgement on me, whatever choice I made - whether I had sex or not, there would be society/men/women judging what I had chosen and attributing a style of behaviour to me.

My anger around that helped me to not care so much what people thought. If they're going to be that judgemental, then I don't want to know that kind of person and I don't have to take their opinion on board. As Taltos says above, it's only one person's opinion and I don't have to agree with it - more importantly, I definitely don't have to make myself agreeable to their viewpoint. Feeling a need for approval is only a lack of confidence in what you want to do. If you want to wait before jumping into bed, or if you want to have no strings sex with any man you meet - that's YOUR choice. Only you can say that's what you want - anyone else who says otherwise is judging you. Get angry about that, is my advice.....

Ps. Not making excuses here for seemingly ignoring your previous posts, but apart from your original post, I didn't see the other's at all! Keeps happening on this netbook. Comments just seem to insert themselves the next day! Sorry.

Czarcasm

op_here wrote: »

About declining to go home with him that night, I really wanted to go home with him! (I am human afterall) I was conscious of been regarded as being a slut and ruining any chance of progression with him. I didn't want him to think that I must sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry after only a few dates. I know people will say sex is just sex and tbh I have a very high sex drive but I'd hate to sleep so soon with someone who I quite like for fear of being regarded as a slut basically. Is this abnormal?

Nope, quite an understandable fear tbh. It's one that's been discussed and debated really since time immemorial, so it's just a risk you yourself have to consider worth taking, or not.

op_here wrote: »

Also I forgot to say, I feel like the man has to approve of me rather than the other way around. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't feel like this but I do. Maybe this need for approval came across as the dates progressed? And it's all because if a woman sleeps with the guy she's a slut, whereas a man does it and there's no problem, hence I feel this way.

Well that's understandable too OP - You want to make a good impression! Again, perfectly normal, but the whole girl slut / guy stud, load of nonsense tbh personally speaking, but then you have to be prepared for the fact that other people aren't going to think the same way I do. What's most important is whhat YOU think, and if that's the way you feel on the issue, then you shouldn't compromise yourself for anyone.

Does it mean you miss out on a few guys that floated your boat? Sure, but one of the easiest ways to counter that is during the date to suss out where the guy stands on the issue. That way you'll have a better idea of whether YOU want to continue dating HIM, rather than trying to be something you're not to win his approval.

Obliq wrote: »

Ps. Not making excuses here for seemingly ignoring your previous posts, but apart from your original post, I didn't see the other's at all! Keeps happening on this netbook. Comments just seem to insert themselves the next day! Sorry.

It's an issue to do with how Boards handles anonymous posting Obliq, the post has to be approved by a Moderator and then it goes in at the time the post was made as opposed to the time it was approved, so the thread may have moved on in the meantime.

Obliq

Czarcasm wrote: »

It's an issue to do with how Boards handles anonymous posting Obliq, the post has to be approved by a Moderator and then it goes in at the time the post was made as opposed to the time it was approved, so the thread may have moved on in the meantime.

Oh right! Cheers

letssee7

Carriexx wrote: »

This is ridicolous. Leading someone on by kissing them???? Seriously. We can wait as long as we want before we have sex. Completely disregard this post.

Of course you can wait as long as you want, definitely only have sex when you're comfortable.

But there's nothing wrong with a man losing interest if the woman seems to have a lower sex drive. It's not a mans job to wait until a girl is comfortable

No reason for this guy to be viewed negatively, he probably thinks the OP is sexually cold and that's not something he wants so it's perfectly reasonable for him to lose interest in her.

beks101

op_here wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies.
About declining to go home with him that night, I really wanted to go home with him! (I am human afterall) I was conscious of been regarded as being a slut and ruining any chance of progression with him. I didn't want him to think that I must sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry after only a few dates. I know people will say sex is just sex and tbh I have a very high sex drive but I'd hate to sleep so soon with someone who I quite like for fear of being regarded as a slut basically. Is this abnormal?
!

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, eh?

I totally see where you're coming from and unfortunately there is a double standard out there whereby jumping into bed with a guy too soon lands you in the "casual encounter" category and scratches your name firmly off the "potential girlfriend' list - I've had it happen to me before. And it's an odd experience, when you're a smart, copped on woman who finds this exciting chemistry with a guy, think you're on the same page, go home together and all of a sudden you're getting a wide berth - so waiting a while until you've figured him out is a wise move and I applaud you for it.

Look, this guy's game was obviously tighter than you realized and he had you fooled into thinking it was about more than getting you into bed. Honestly, I think you can lump this guys in with the number 1)'s on your list - the guy was seemingly only interested in getting his rocks off, he just played a tighter game, and was willing to "woo" you a bit more for it than the others you've met.

I know it's hard not to feel totally played, but there's a bright side to this, and that is that you DIDN'T sleep with him before you got the blatant ignoring thing going on - and think of how much worse you would be feeling if you had?

Clock it down to experience, keep your principles together and move on. You behaved respectfully and self-protectively and by doing so you screened out a player, that's all.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone so much for the replies, they have genuinely cheered me up

I now acknowledge that I need to look at my self confidence and build on that. I shouldn't be seeking a man's approval of me. I hear women all the time saying 'his loss girl' and always thought it was a bit of a cliché but now I realise that it is genuinely his loss. If he genuinely liked me then he would have waited, but obviously I wasn't worth waiting for, definitelt his loss. Just because I wanted to wait doesn't made me a prude by any means.

I'm going to stay in the dating game, work on my confidence and maybe some man will be lucky enough to find me

Emme

letssee7 wrote: »

But there's nothing wrong with a man losing interest if the woman seems to have a lower sex drive. It's not a mans job to wait until a girl is comfortable

I don't agree. If a man really likes a woman he will wait until she is comfortable. If he isn't willing to wait then he is more than likely a player and if a woman wants something more long-term she's better off without him.

letssee7 wrote: »

No reason for this guy to be viewed negatively, he probably thinks the OP is sexually cold and that's not something he wants so it's perfectly reasonable for him to lose interest in her.

I would view this guy negatively because of his sneaky game. He led the OP to believe he was a "nice" guy and when she didn't sleep with him he disappeared. If she had slept with him he might have disappeared or stuck around for one or two more dates and disappeared. He more than likely was dating a few other women at the same time playing the same game with them.

She's well rid but it's a pity it took her so long to see what he was like. He's probably quite hypocritical - he wants to have casual sex but doesn't necessarily want to have casual sex with someone he sees as a "slut" who gives it up after one night.

Then again we might be wrong. Perhaps this guy was on a break from a long-term relationship and decided that he wanted to go back to his ex after all. There is an infinity of reasons why he behaved the way he did and none of them have anything to do with the OP. She should put it behind her and move on. Also she shouldn't worry about being seen as a slut if she chooses to sleep with a guy or a prude if she doesn't.

Scruffy...The Janitor

I may be playing devil's advocate here, but has he got any way of contacting you other than by phone? You only mentioned that you've texted each other, and what leads you to believe he's not interested is an ignored text. I know that if something happened to my phone, I wouldn't remember the phone number of some of my best friends, never mind someone I'd been on 3 dates with.

ifElseThen

Yeah maybe you should just ring him rather than text. Text's can be missed or easily forgotten to reply to. If he doesn't answer any of your calls, then you can definitely take it that he's not bothered...

letssee7

Emme wrote: »

I don't agree. If a man really likes a woman he will wait until she is comfortable. If he isn't willing to wait then he is more than likely a player and if a woman wants something more long-term she's better off without him.



I would view this guy negatively because of his sneaky game. He led the OP to believe he was a "nice" guy and when she didn't sleep with him he disappeared. If she had slept with him he might have disappeared or stuck around for one or two more dates and disappeared. He more than likely was dating a few other women at the same time playing the same game with them.

She's well rid but it's a pity it took her so long to see what he was like. He's probably quite hypocritical - he wants to have casual sex but doesn't necessarily want to have casual sex with someone he sees as a "slut" who gives it up after one night.

Then again we might be wrong. Perhaps this guy was on a break from a long-term relationship and decided that he wanted to go back to his ex after all. There is an infinity of reasons why he behaved the way he did and none of them have anything to do with the OP. She should put it behind her and move on. Also she shouldn't worry about being seen as a slut if she chooses to sleep with a guy or a prude if she doesn't.

Maybe he is a nice guy, who values sex and felt rejected. Maybe he doesn't like her so much anymore.

It's silly to lump him into a category like that.

Merkin

op_here wrote: »

Also I forgot to say, I feel like the man has to approve of me rather than the other way around. I know that's wrong and I shouldn't feel like this but I do. Maybe this need for approval came across as the dates progressed?

Probably tbh. That's an insane stance to take on dating, where on earth is your self worth? You're not a cow at a country fair waiting to be judged! A date is a chance to see what YOU think of the person too. Sounds like you could maybe be coming across as overly eager to please and not actually being yourself which would be a turn off for people.

TheChizler

The only piece of advice I will offer OP is that you're not a mind reader.

Personally I've been working lately to stop predicting what people will think of me if I do or don't do something, it's a very useful statement to remind yourself of at times. The only way you can be reasonably confident of knowing how someone will react to something is to ask them, and even then they're still predicting the future.

If you act in accordance with how you assume someone will react to something, you're more than likely not basing your actions in reality.

The only person you know is yourself, predicting other people doesn't work. Talk to them. You are not a mind reader.

LegacyUser

Scruffy...The Janitor wrote: »

I may be playing devil's advocate here, but has he got any way of contacting you other than by phone?

He added me on Facebook a while back. Perhaps some day he'll contact me as I can't imagine him deleting me.

Merkin wrote: »

Probably tbh. That's an insane stance to take on dating, where on earth is your self worth? You're not a cow at a country fair waiting to be judged! A date is a chance to see what YOU think of the person too. Sounds like you could maybe be coming across as overly eager to please and not actually being yourself which would be a turn off for people.

I 100% agree. I've acknowledged that I need to work on this. See when situations like this happen to me I tend to blame myself and think things like 'maybe he thought I wasn't pretty' or 'maybe he thinks I'm weird'. I know these negative thought processes are just bad habits which need to be fixed, I'm also working on that.

Merkin

op_here wrote: »

See when situations like this happen to me I tend to blame myself and think things like 'maybe he thought I wasn't pretty' or 'maybe he thinks I'm weird'. I know these negative thought processes are just bad habits which need to be fixed, I'm also working on that.

You know sometimes there just isn't a specific reason, it's really that simple.

I've dated men and while they had lots going for them and were great on paper, that spark just mightn't have been there enough for me to progress any further. No reflection on those people or anything to do with shortcomings, you click with some people and not others.

Beating yourself up for not sleeping with him/not being good enough/him not fancying you is damaging and really not very helpful. It just didn't work out for whatever reason and no amount of analysis or assuming things will change that. What you can change is turning his decision in on yourself and your own imagined failings. Don't be so hard on yourself!

beks101

Merkin wrote: »

You know sometimes there just isn't a specific reason, it's really that simple.

I've dated men and while they had lots going for them and were great on paper, that spark just mightn't have been there enough for me to progress any further. No reflection on those people or anything to do with shortcomings, you click with some people and not others.

Beating yourself up for not sleeping with him/not being good enough/him not fancying you is damaging and really not very helpful. It just didn't work out for whatever reason and no amount of analysis or assuming things will change that. What you can change is turning his decision in on yourself and your own imagined failings. Don't be so hard on yourself!

I agree with this 100% and I think you should read this a few times OP.

I've dealt with a few 'rejections' in the same way that you have, by internalizing and wracking my brains trying to figure out what I did "wrong" - was it this or was it that, did he not fancy me, am I not pretty enough, did I seem over-eager yada yada.

There's another way of viewing it though and it's the way that most people who are confident, secure and comfortable in themselves would choose to see things: it just didn't work out. For whatever reason. That's life, and sometimes things just don't work out. Leave it at that.

Everyone deals with rejection - absolutely EVERYONE - no matter how seemingly fabulous or gorgeous or superhuman they seem - so use this as a life lesson on how to deal with it, if it happens again. It just wasn't meant to be. He wasn't right for you and he wasn't able to give you what you need, and it's over now.

There's NOTHING wrong with you or your behaviour. He could've been less of a dick in the end but how and ever. You'll come across that sometimes.

LegacyUser

Merkin and Beks, I'd like to thank you both for your replies. I have re-read them over and over and they really do make sense to me now. I definitely think far too negatively at times, and tend to make 'assumptions' too easily.

Bit of an update though, he finally texted yesterday. Something along the lines of 'Hey, sorry for only texting now, I've been very busy lately with work/friends etc.! How have you been?'

I'm wondering if I should reply? It's obvious he's playing games but at the end of the day we all do. Is this his way of trying to 'woo' me? I don't know. Last thing I want to do is to make myself appear desperate.

dellas1979

op_here wrote: »

Bit of an update though, he finally texted yesterday. Something along the lines of 'Hey, sorry for only texting now, I've been very busy lately with work/friends etc.! How have you been?'

I'm wondering if I should reply? It's obvious he's playing games but at the end of the day we all do. Is this his way of trying to 'woo' me? I don't know. Last thing I want to do is to make myself appear desperate.

All these threads always end the same. Girl panicks guy is using her/playing games/not interested. And then said person gets a text (hurrah a text! mustve taken him 30 secs) and all is right as rain until the next time he lets them down. And then its the same again.

Youve admitted "we all play games" (no we dont). But if thats your standard, you accept it, and youre happy, go for it. You started listening to your gut on this one. And now all is well in paradise, because he finally acknowledged you, youre ignoring it again.

op_here wrote: »

Is this his way of trying to 'woo' me?

In my opinion, heck.no. Im my opinion, hes back looking for another pop at the cherry. And this time he knows you are interested. Has given you enough time to do the "what did I do wrong" spiel (youve done that). I think though in this case, you might learn the lesson the hard way.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

All these threads always end the same. Girl panicks guy is using her/playing games/not interested. And then said person gets a text (hurrah a text! mustve taken him 30 secs) and all is right as rain until the next time he lets them down. And then its the same again.

In my defence, I didn't realise this was a comment trend on boards.

dellas1979 wrote: »

In my opinion, heck.no. Im my opinion, hes back looking for another pop at the cherry. And this time he knows you are interested. Has given you enough time to do the "what did I do wrong" spiel (youve done that). I think though in this case, you might learn the lesson the hard way.

I think you're right. I don't think I'm a bad person for hoping for the best though, even if I was delusional! Thanks for your input, appreciate it and will definitely learn from it.

beks101

Ugh, God OP, please take care of yourself here and don't invest in this guy or let him worm himself into a position of power above you via his "games".

I wish I could take a light-hearted approach and tell you yeah, he probably was busy, sure draw a line under it and give it another go - but honestly, I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach just reading your update, because not so long ago I was the one in the same position with a guy. And it went like this:

Brilliant date - smitten - lack of contact for days - headfuck - making excuses for him - ranting to anyone who would listen - introspection and rumination; "what did I do wrong?" / "why doesn't he like me?" / "am I that unfanciable?" - get a text: all is forgiven - he asks me out vaguely again - I chase him to hammer down a day - brilliant date - smitten - lack of contact for days....

You get the picture. And it started for me as it's started for you - by the guy not making the effort, not bothering until it suited him - hot and cold like it's no-one's business. And to this day I STILL regret that I ignored that sort of, "oh no, this isn't good news..." gut instinct that I got before we even went on our first date - just blinded by my feelings for the guy.

I'm not saying your dude is some sort of an insufferable aRsehole or anything - but you felt strongly about your instincts to post here, don't suddenly ignore that because your phone suddenly beeped - don't be ruled by your emotions. If you're not getting the same treatment from a guy that you would afford him - if the actions don't match the words this early on - forget it. As Dellas said above, there's an all-too-familiar pattern with these relationships as illustrated so frequently in PI / RI.

Czarcasm

You should probably consider too OP that he could be employing what I call the "elastic band effect" - you didn't give him what he wanted the first time he wanted it so he dropped you like a hot snot and let you stew, then got back in contact in the hope that the next time you meet up, you'll change your mind because you're worried you might get the drop again and you're determined to keep him interested this time.

I'm only suggesting this as something you should keep in mind, and that maybe it might serve your self confidence better to turn him down and move on before as both Dellas and beks have suggested he continues to be a flake, toying with you and generally showing no genuine interest beyond getting into your knickers.

MagicMarker

The guy is obviously chancing him arm. No man who is genuinely interested will only text every couple of weeks.

He's looking for one thing OP, there's no doubt about that.

Czarcasm

MagicMarker wrote: »

The guy is obviously chancing him arm. No man who is genuinely interested will only text every couple of weeks.

He's looking for one thing OP, there's no doubt about that.

This is it really. Honestly OP if this guy can't be bothered (seriously, I'm often working 18 hour days and I still manage to send a frickin' text, takes less than 30 seconds to say "Hi there, how's your day going?", so the "mad week at work" is only an excuse), if he can't be bothered to send you a text all week, what hope is there for any potential progress for a relationship to develop?

If you somehow muddle your way into a relationship, could you still be doing with poor excuses and lack of contact like that?

dellas1979

Yeah-they are standards the OP seems to have set for herself though or accept.

In this day and age, it is so hard to put perspective on etiquette. Never has there been so many ways to contact someone, yet people come on going "girl/guy hasnt contacted me." Its something to come to terms with. That if someone wanted to be in contact with you, they would. If they wanted to meet you, they would. It also seems bizzaare (to me anyways) for an individual to question if someone literally ignoring them as "wooing" them. That the negative (the ignoring part) turns into a positive (wooing).

It just doesnt sound good. I am curious to know (if OP can clarify) what ages they are as I think it always puts a little perspective on things.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

Ugh, God OP, please take care of yourself here and don't invest in this guy or let him worm himself into a position of power above you via his "games".

I wish I could take a light-hearted approach and tell you yeah, he probably was busy, sure draw a line under it and give it another go - but honestly, I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach just reading your update, because not so long ago I was the one in the same position with a guy. And it went like this:

Brilliant date - smitten - lack of contact for days - headfuck - making excuses for him - ranting to anyone who would listen - introspection and rumination; "what did I do wrong?" / "why doesn't he like me?" / "am I that unfanciable?" - get a text: all is forgiven - he asks me out vaguely again - I chase him to hammer down a day - brilliant date - smitten - lack of contact for days....

You get the picture. And it started for me as it's started for you - by the guy not making the effort, not bothering until it suited him - hot and cold like it's no-one's business. And to this day I STILL regret that I ignored that sort of, "oh no, this isn't good news..." gut instinct that I got before we even went on our first date - just blinded by my feelings for the guy.

I'm not saying your dude is some sort of an insufferable aRsehole or anything - but you felt strongly about your instincts to post here, don't suddenly ignore that because your phone suddenly beeped - don't be ruled by your emotions. If you're not getting the same treatment from a guy that you would afford him - if the actions don't match the words this early on - forget it. As Dellas said above, there's an all-too-familiar pattern with these relationships as illustrated so frequently in PI / RI.

Beks, your posts have all been incredible. And a part of me actually feels bad because I didn't listen to you the first time (as crazy as that sounds considering this is only an internet forum)! Reading that you've gone through the same thing has brought me from a depression this evening into this new found happiness almost, as if I'm 'free' now, I'm not the only girl this happens to. It's very easy to convince yourself that 'all these bad things only seem to happen me', when in fact, judging by the replies on this thread, it happens everyone. Earlier on I was on edge all day wondering if he'd change his ways and reply today, but now honestly, whether he replies or not I could not give a rats, because I won't be replying! I have since deleted his number and I'm going to enjoy my weekend!

Thank you everyone so much for brightening my mood and helping me to recognise my self-worth. I'll find my prince charming some day - or he'll find me

TheChizler

Instead of trying to guess whether he's playing games or not why don't you straight up ask him? It would be a shame to just not reply if he's genuine, and then he might be thinking the same things you were if you don't reply (cue a thread here next week ). If you say that you're not sure what to think of his not replying he might realize how confusing his actions appear.

Much easier to analyze his reaction to a straight to the point question, rather than trying to extrapolate from a surrogate conversation.

CaraMay

He is not going to give an honest answer and say I'm just in it for the ride. He is playing her and op you really can to better.

Merkin

op_here wrote: »

Beks, your posts have all been incredible. And a part of me actually feels bad because I didn't listen to you the first time (as crazy as that sounds considering this is only an internet forum)! Reading that you've gone through the same thing has brought me from a depression this evening into this new found happiness almost, as if I'm 'free' now, I'm not the only girl this happens to. It's very easy to convince yourself that 'all these bad things only seem to happen me', when in fact, judging by the replies on this thread, it happens everyone. Earlier on I was on edge all day wondering if he'd change his ways and reply today, but now honestly, whether he replies or not I could not give a rats, because I won't be replying! I have since deleted his number and I'm going to enjoy my weekend!

Thank you everyone so much for brightening my mood and helping me to recognise my self-worth. I'll find my prince charming some day - or he'll find me

Good girl. It's like an epiphany really. If you commit to and follow through with not entertaining bad manners, sh1tty behaviour and game playing you will be much better for it m'dear.

Instead of torturing yourself with introspection and developing a complex of 'it must be me', instead make the decision that you merely change what you will and won't accept! I have a VERY chequered dating history, trust me, Beks' example sounds more than familiar to me. And you know after one time too many, I did analyse and wonder what was going on. What's the common denominator here? The very clear answer was that I, me, Merkin was the common denominator...me and my bad choices that is! I decided to take a more brutal approach. I wasn't embittered but merely empowered and if a guy didn't call when he said he would then I just didn't waste my time. End of. If a guy is interested you will not be left in a shadow of a doubt, trust me!

I know instances like this guy can feel a bit disappointing etc but when you meet your true love you'll see this bloke for what he is, an insecure game playing numpty who tries unsuccessfully to use juvenile tactics to get chicks into bed.....yawn.

Well done for deleting his number, you've done yourself a favour! x