Is she cheating? - Losing my mind

LegacyUser

Hi There,

I'll try to keep this short. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years and I'm mad about her. We're both 27 and have been living together for the past 6 months. In my mind everything is going great and I've never had reason to doubt her feelings towards me until recently when her behaviour started to changed.

It all started when she got a new job a few months ago. Usually on Friday nights she'd come straight home after work and we'd spend the evening cooking together and cuddling on the couch but since getting this new job she goes out every Friday and sometimes doesn't come back until the Sunday! (ok this only happened once but still).

She said it's because she wants to fit in with her new work crowd who are all 'very trendy'. She's naturally very pretty and doesn't wear any make up but she's started wearing fake eyelashes (which I hate, I find them stuck to the pillow sometimes) and loads of fake tan. The fake tan looks ridiculous and in an argument the other night I said this to her and she screamed well Robbie seems to like it. Robbie is a guy at work that she keeps harping on about so I told her she looked like a clown in that get up and she left in tears.

I know that's wrong but I was angry and upset. She left her phone behind and again I know it's wrong but I looked at her messages. She is very protective of her phone and even takes it with her to the bathroom. Why do that if you're not hiding anything? There were messages to and from this Robbie fella but they seemed friendly enough, mostly referencing nights out and how much fun they were. In one text from him it said - It's not like your married - WTF does this mean??? I HATE this Robbie.

There are loads more examples I could give you as to why I think she's cheating but I don't want to bore you with them. Please give me honest opinions on what is going on here.

I'm sat here alone again on a Friday evening after buying her favourite wine and a lasagne. She just texted hey honey - going out with work crew x.

I am so hurt and feel like a mug.

Is she cheating??
Thanks for reading:(

stop animal cruelty

suggest go out with her & her "colleagues" for a friendly drink, just to meet them. Don't arrange it, if she texts you again saying shes out, text back saying, "where are ye? l might join ye for a drink or 2, lm in town" ...thats what ld do.

P. Breathnach

Does it actually matter if she is cheating? It seems clear that she is not giving enough priority to your relationship, that her supposed commitment to you does not involve coming home to you.

Hooked

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Does it actually matter if she is cheating? It seems clear that she is not giving enough priority to your relationship, that her supposed commitment to you does not involve coming home to you.

This!!!

Cheating or not... You're being taken for a mug. Discarded for the new work crew. Texting a fellow male worker? If you were doing the same with a female co-worker, would she be relaxed about it.

I've been there. TRUST ME! You'll never have her, or any woman's respect if you're sitting in, with her fave wine, meal or DVD... Week in week out. And she's responding the way she is...

Draw a line in the sand and see where she stands. Be prepared to lose her and move on.

I'm in a relationship for just over 2 years... If she pissed off with work colleagues (and ye live together) from Friday to Sunday - I'd be pissing off myself.

For good.

Jellyhead

She may not be cheating but she's heading that way...why be so protective of her phone?? I leave mine lying around and don't care who sees it..nothing to hide! I see it as one of two scenarios:
1. She has found this new life and circle of friends and is moving on from you and the 'settled' life you have together
or
2. Its a phase, she's has a little crush on 'Robbie' and this new social life and it will pass and she will settle back when the novelty wears off

Either way she is being unfair to you and taking you for granted, especially when you are making an effort to have a cosy, romantic night in together..lots of women crave what you're offering and in reality after working all week with these people it's you she should want to spend time with ..not them..you have to lay your cards on the table and ask her out straight about where your relationship stands even if you don't want to hear the answer! Good luck! Here's hoping its a phase!

LegacyUser

Dude, I don't know other details of your relationship but going by what you have said it seems your being walked on.

Tell her that you don't like it and that of she didn't herself out fast that your gone.
If she's worth the hassle she will understand what she's doing wrong.

wirelessdude01

If she isn't cheating then either she wants to, this Robbie dude is buttering her up to get her in the sack or she is just acting the b!tch with you. Any of the above doesn't bode well for the future.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies so far.

Well it came to a head last night when she came falling home at 2am. She hadn't responded to my texts asking where she was and when she came in she didn't say a word. On was sitting up drinking wine and she went right past me into the bedroom. I was so angry with her that I followed her in and told her I knew what she was up too and that if she ever hung out with Robbie again we'd be finished. I also called her a sl*g. I know that's wrong but I was so mad at her. She tolf me to f*ck off and passed out:(
This morning she got up and left and she's not answering my calls or texts. I've rang her about 20 times. I am so in love with her I think I'll lose my mind if she leaves me for this <snip>.
What will I do????

P. Breathnach

Read your first post back to yourself. She is no longer the person you fell in love with.

This isn't about her and Robbie, or her and the gang from work: it's about her and you. And to me it looks as if the topic of her and you is pretty well a dead one. I'm sorry to say that, because I am sure it hurts you to read it.

Lenmeister

Looks to me like your relationship with this girl is about to crash and burn. You need to talk to her right now and get the truth out of her. Tell her how you feel and that this just isn't going to work. You are no longer the person she loves. She's discarding you in favour or her workmates and this Robbie guy. She's obviously all about this guy. Going out friday night and not coming home until Sunday? Wtf wake up man you're letting yourself be trampled on. If I was you I'd tell her it's over. It's highly likely she's cheating and even if she's not, spending days away from you and ignoring you is a sure sign that you are now far from lovers. I can't agree with jellyhead that it's a phase and will wear off. I think you need to put the foot down and clarify where you both stand.

username123

Whats the point in a relationship that only causes you to feel bad all the time and generates so much drama, upset, hatred, and other negative emotions? Quite simply - it shouldnt be so much hard work.

By the sounds of things its run its course and its time for you to move on, she has moved on, but without telling you.

LegacyUser

I got through to her eventually on the phone after trying all day and she was pissed off because she said she had a bad hangover and I wasn't respecting her personal space. I thought she was my girlfriend?!? What?!?!
Anyway, she's staying with a friend tonight (wouldn't give me a name!), and will come back tomorrow for a chat she says, to try and sort things out. She said she loves me but needs to be her own person for a while, but doesn't want to break up she said. It was such a relief to hear that. I told her how much I loved her and that I'd go to the ends of the earth for her. This Robbie guy is probably just a flash in the pan but I'm the real deal.
So how does this look to you guys? How should I play it tomorrow? I can't bear to think of life without her, I'm as head over heels if not more than I was when we first met and have never even looked at another woman.

Mighty_Mouse

There's obviously 2 sides to this.
I wonder how she would describe your relationship?

She's 27. The most fun years of life.
No obligations or ties, a few quid starts to come in and still the energy to party and the weekend and work hard all week.

This new job has obviously made her re-assess her life.
Is she bored?

So she tries new things, forms new social circles and her Friday night cuddles BF calls her a slag, tart and clown for wearing make-up?

And you wonder why your relationship is falling apart?

What are you doing to make life fun for her?
Have you asked her is she happy?

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

There's obviously 2 sides to this.
I wonder how she would describe your relationship?

She's 27. The most fun years of life.
No obligations or ties, a few quid starts to come in and still the energy to party and the weekend and work hard all week.

This new job has obviously made her re-assess her life.
Is she bored?

So she tries new things, forms new social circles and her Friday night cuddles BF calls her a slag, tart and clown for wearing make-up?

And you wonder why your relationship is falling apart?

What are you doing to make life fun for her?
Have you asked her is she happy?

Firstly, I didn't call her a tart. She never used to wear any make up as she's so pretty without it and suddenly she's slathered in the stuff. She is staying away all weekend without taking my calls and banging on about her work 'friend' Robbie so I called her a slag in the heat of the moment.
I don't know what your idea of fun is, but we have a large group of friends in common, and we go out a lot (or used to until recently as she goes out on Fridays without me and is hanging for the rest of the weekend). We were on 4 holidays last year, 12 of us went to Ibiza together, and we had an absolute blast. We did the Camina de Santiago just this August and to be honest I think I paid for nearly everything. What more can I do? Am I supposed to be the one that makes life fun for her? I can only do so much. Have I asked her if she's happy? Yes! We've always been very open with each other and she seemed to be beaming all the time.
Friday night cuddles boyfriend? We live together. What?!

fullstop

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

So she tries new things, forms new social circles and her Friday night cuddles BF calls her a slag, tart and clown for wearing make-up?

And you wonder why your relationship is falling apart?

What are you doing to make life fun for her?
Have you asked her is she happy?

Oh yeah, because she did nothing to cause him to react like that :rolleyes:

Lenmeister

Look if wearing makeup and fake tan makes her feel good or happy then so what, you didn't make the situation any better by saying she looks like a clown, that just wasn't cool at all. I'm not surprised she ran out crying after that, and my guess would be that she ran into the open welcoming arms of Robbie, and if not him then was just so p!ssed off at you she said screw that I'm staying out for the whole weekend.

sexandthepity wrote: »

she was pissed off because she said she had a bad hangover and I wasn't respecting her personal space.

Makes no sense, she's had plenty of hangovers with you to wrap her arms around the morning after. Although all the arguing wouldn't have helped this situation.

sexandthepity wrote: »

She said she loves me but needs to be her own person for a while, but doesn't want to break up she said. It was such a relief to hear that. I told her how much I loved her and that I'd go to the ends of the earth for her. This Robbie guy is probably just a flash in the pan but I'm the real deal.
So how does this look to you guys? How should I play it tomorrow? I can't bear to think of life without her

"Wants to be her own person" = to me, wants to be free and do whatever she wants. Depending on what's going on in her life right now, that could include being free from you. She says she doesn't want to breakup but it sure doesn't look that way. Although this whole thing could be a case of her finding the party girl inside her again and wanting to live it up, not neccesarily being away from you but just free to do whatever she likes when she likes.

Flash in the pan? Ok look, are you prepared to be way down the list of what's important in her life, to be just discarded whenever she wants in favour of other people. It almost sounds like you're prepared to accept anything going on and wait for her to realise that you're the one for her. Seriously man you need to take a good look at the bigger picture.

How should you play it out? I think you really need to have that talk tomorrow. If you want to be with her you have to be prepared to lose her. Make it clear to her that although you love her you won't stand for any of the crap that she's been putting you through lately and that you will walk away if she keeps it up.

However you do need to accept that she wants to go out and have fun with work colleagues and wear makeup and fake tan or whatever. That's her choice and her lifestyle can change, you have to accept that. But don't let her just replace you with her work friends or whatever else that suddenly comes into her life, that's just not on. I know this all sounds quite harsh but you really have to look hard at what's going on. Accept that her lifestyle may change but don't fight it, try to work with it and find a way to enjoy it with her if you can.

MagicMarker

This sounds like a horrible relationship. I would never ever even think about calling my girlfriend a slag or telling her she looks like a clown.

You both sound like you'd be better off without each other.

j4vier

Op I don't want to sound offensive but you really need to open your eyes. You should judge people by their actions, not from what they say.

Czarcasm

OP you call your girlfriend a slag and tell her she looks like a clown, you're checking her phone... and then you wonder why she doesn't want to be around you?

Captain fcuking obvious would've figured that one out by now tbh.

Two sides to every story and I'm fairly sure you're not giving the full picture here.

LegacyUser

Sounds to me like she is trying to escape you. To be honest I can't blame her based on how you are behaving towards her. If a friend of mine told me that her boyfriend called her a slag I'd tell her to get the **** away from him as fast as possible. If someone loves you they don't verbally abuse you.

You have shown her distrust, contempt, disrespect, anger ..... why would a lovely pretty smart woman want to spend her friday evenings with that?

sReq | uTeK

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP you call your girlfriend a slag and tell her she looks like a clown, you're checking her phone... and then you wonder why she doesn't want to be around you?

Captain fcuking obvious would've figured that one out by now tbh.

Two sides to every story and I'm fairly sure you're not giving the full picture here.

Ah come on now we've all said stuff in the heat of the moment that we later regret and he said he regretted it. The guys head was all over the place, she just stormed out stating well Robbie likes my tan, the phone is there are you telling me you wouldn't be thinking, who the **** is this guy, is she texting him ?

I mean why has she never asked him out with her on a Friday? It's fairly obvious she's not tht interested in introducing him to her work friends which is weird considering the op has stated they always went out together?

My 2 cents, new job new friends wants to go out and enjoy herself, doesn't mean she's cheating but does look like her priorities are elsewhere.

I can honestly say that if I was going out every Friday with work id have asked my wife out to meet them and as has happened with her in the past she's invited me out on the 3rd or so occasion, another thing if either one of us went out on a Friday and didn't come home until Sunday you can be guaranteed they wouldn't be doing it again.

The only way you can save this relationship is to show her you are willing to walk away, right now she has the best of both worlds a new exciting life with work but she also knows you are there at home her doormat that is there if and only if she needs you.

Man up, put a side your emotions for now and think logically. Do you want to be feeling like this for the remainder of your relationship for however long that is? Whilst you may love her being in a relationship like this will hurt your far more in the long run and will have a negative effect on any future relationships

stupidpiggy

There seems to be no respect and no boundaries in your relationship.

She stays out all night flirting with work colleagues and telling you they like how she looks. She doesn't care that you are sitting at home waiting for her with wine and a meal

You call her a clown and a slag and you go through her phone

It doesn't really matter if she is cheating you guys have a ****ty dynamic, move on

Bodacious

sexandthepity wrote: »

I got through to her eventually on the phone after trying all day and she was pissed off because she said she had a bad hangover and I wasn't respecting her personal space. I thought she was my girlfriend?!? What?!?!
Anyway, she's staying with a friend tonight (wouldn't give me a name!), and will come back tomorrow for a chat she says, to try and sort things out. She said she loves me but needs to be her own person for a while, but doesn't want to break up she said. It was such a relief to hear that. I told her how much I loved her and that I'd go to the ends of the earth for her. This Robbie guy is probably just a flash in the pan but I'm the real deal.
So how does this look to you guys? How should I play it tomorrow? I can't bear to think of life without her, I'm as head over heels if not more than I was when we first met and have never even looked at another woman.

Bringing phone into bathroom only indicates one thing lad.. I wish you the best and it's a horrible time but "park it like its hot and move on!"

Czarcasm

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Ah come on now we've all said stuff in the heat of the moment that we later regret and he said he regretted it. The guys head was all over the place, she just stormed out stating well Robbie likes my tan, the phone is there are you telling me you wouldn't be thinking, who the **** is this guy, is she texting him ?

I dunno sR, different strokes for different folks really, I mean, I'm with my wife now sixteen years (we were living together for seven before we got married) and we've like most couples gone through our ups and downs and had some right blowouts, but yknow there's some things you just don't say, no matter how "all over the place" your head is.

My wife has plenty of male friends and admirers, but yknow just because I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them (well, one or two of them anyway!), that doesn't mean my wife is going to do anything with them. If I were the OP I wouldn't give a shìt about this Robbie guy and I'd trust my girlfriend. There's always, always going to be a Robbie or a Roberta, they'll hardly be the first people the OP or his girlfriend interact with, but that's where they have to learn to trust each other and learn to respect each others personal privacy. Insecurity festers when you start snooping on your boyfriend or girlfriend instead of just learning to communicate with them in an open and honest (and jesus christ tactful) manner.

I mean why has she never asked him out with her on a Friday? It's fairly obvious she's not tht interested in introducing him to her work friends which is weird considering the op has stated they always went out together?

Again like it's different strokes for different folks, I mean, they've only moved in together six months so they really were still only getting to know each other when his girlfriend gets a new job and decides she wants to look well for her new job. There's a better way to tell someone you preferred what they used look like before without being so blunt as to say they look like a clown, they're a slag, etc. Of course his girlfriend is going to say well so and so likes it because she's hurt and she wants to shove one up the OPs nose, what better way than to use what she knows will get under his skin just as bad?

My 2 cents, new job new friends wants to go out and enjoy herself, doesn't mean she's cheating but does look like her priorities are elsewhere.

Of course her priorities are elsewhere right now, she wants to make a good impression in her job and she wants to socialise with her work colleagues rather than knowing she's coming home to more arguments. She's 27, not 57, why shouldn't she be out enjoying herself. There's nothing to say the OP shouldn't go out with his friends?

I go out with my own friends all the time, and my wife goes out with her friends, neither of us have any interest in each other's friends because well for me personally I find her friends boring and uninteresting, and she finds my friends a bit too full on! We really don't have that much in common, her friends are the more upwardly mobile type, my friends are the more "shake off a stressful week at work" type.

I'd say the whole current upheaval and change in their circumstances is a bit of an eye opener for the OP and he's struggling to adjust to a change in "his" routine.

I can honestly say that if I was going out every Friday with work id have asked my wife out to meet them and as has happened with her in the past she's invited me out on the 3rd or so occasion, another thing if either one of us went out on a Friday and didn't come home until Sunday you can be guaranteed they wouldn't be doing it again.

Remember those almighty blowouts I talked about earlier? Both my wife and I would've often needed time apart and whole weekends with no communication weren't uncommon. It didn't mean we loved each other any less, it just meant we both needed time and space to clear our heads. When you're living together, it can get a bit crowded so time apart is a good thing, you tend to value your time together more and you have more things to talk about.

The only way you can save this relationship is to show her you are willing to walk away, right now she has the best of both worlds a new exciting life with work but she also knows you are there at home her doormat that is there if and only if she needs you.

Terrible way of looking at it tbh. If the OP wants to save their relationship it's going to take a lot more than a lasagne and a bottle of wine. He needs to learn to talk to his girlfriend, not belittle her, stop acting out his insecurities and driving his girlfriend away. He needs to learn to adapt. His girlfriend has no more interest in this Robbie chap, it could be anybody, but rather than look at himself as the source of his own insecurity, the OP needs somebody else to blame. If it wasn't this Robbie chap, it'd be someone else, anyone else besides himself.

Man up, put a side your emotions for now and think logically. Do you want to be feeling like this for the remainder of your relationship for however long that is? Whilst you may love her being in a relationship like this will hurt your far more in the long run and will have a negative effect on any future relationships

Insecurity will do that to a person alright.

iPink

Bodacious wrote: »

Bringing phone into bathroom only indicates one thing lad.. I wish you the best and it's a horrible time but "park it like its hot and move on!"

I don't agree... I always always bring my phone into the bathroom... I like reading & going through facebook etc when I'm on the loo lol sorry if tmi... I used to always bring a book in when I was younger & read till I got pins & needles & couldn't walk for ages!!
It's also some me time where I get a chance to answer txts in peace lol
I don't think that bringing your phone into the bathroom necessarily equals cheating but suddenly putting a secret password on it when it was open before or sudden changes in behaviour might. .. Have you asked her if she's cheating OP or if she would like to? You might be scared of the answer but at least you will know... (or not.. depending on how truthful she is).
So sorry you are going through this pain, good luck!

iPink

Bodacious wrote: »

Bringing phone into bathroom only indicates one thing lad.. I wish you the best and it's a horrible time but "park it like its hot and move on!"

I don't agree... I always always bring my phone into the bathroom... I like reading & going through facebook etc when I'm on the loo lol sorry if tmi... I used to always bring a book in when I was younger & read till I got pins & needles & couldn't walk for ages!!
It's also some me time where I get a chance to answer txts in peace lol
I don't think that bringing your phone into the bathroom necessarily equals cheating but suddenly putting a secret password on it when it was open before or sudden changes in behaviour might. .. Have you asked her if she's cheating OP or if she would like to? You might be scared of the answer but at least you will know... (or not.. depending on how truthful she is).
So sorry you are going through this pain, good luck!

Carrie Madshaw

I'm really surprised by most people's responses to this thread. The OP's girlfriend is treating him with no respect and obviously fancies this Robbie guy.

He called her a clown, so what!! Can anybody here really say they've never called their partner a name or insulted them during an argument. In the heat of the moment we often say the most hurtful things. That's the nature of an argument. We don't mean the things we say, we say them for effect.

He only called her a clown cos she's suddenly started wearing fake tan and false eyelashes. It's not a look he's used to her parading and he called her a clown cos she's doing it for another bloke (her 'well Robbie likes it' comment proves this).

Everyone needs to get off his case ffs. She's the one in the wrong here. Any update OP? I'm all on your side here kid!

Catari Jaguar

She wants to test the waters with this Robbie guy and get her fling out of her system and keep you stringing along nicely as her back-up. She's treating you like dirt and you are telling her you love her so much??? Ego stroking her will just make her disrespect you. It's a catch 22 because if you ignore her behaviour or start going out herself she will run into the arms of Robbie (or whoever else) and blame you but I genuinely think she'll do it anyways. She's me me me atm, disillusioned with the LTR. Cut her loose, you aren't suited anymore, sorry.

If you want to give her her freedom and you do the same, you might end up working out for the best once you don't feel tied down or resentful. This could curb her "rebelling" If you tell her you trust her and indulge this Robbie/new friends thing she might actually feel like cheating is taking the piss and not do it. Robbie could well be a flash in the pan, she could have rose tinted glasses on, he sounds like a snake and she could realise this soon enough. Wouldn't surprise me to hear he's cracking onto all the girls he works with. But you can't throw it all back in her face.

As for her new look, tbh, it's not your business and it's not your right to criticise her, she's your girlfriend, but you don't own her. If you don't like it, tough. Maybe she does.

Legs.Eleven

Carrie Madshaw wrote: »

I'm really surprised by most people's responses to this thread. The OP's girlfriend is treating him with no respect and obviously fancies this Robbie guy.

He called her a clown, so what!! Can anybody here really say they've never called their partner a name or insulted them during an argument. In the heat of the moment we often say the most hurtful things. That's the nature of an argument. We don't mean the things we say, we say them for effect.

He only called her a clown cos she's suddenly started wearing fake tan and false eyelashes. It's not a look he's used to her parading and he called her a clown cos she's doing it for another bloke (her 'well Robbie likes it' comment proves this).

Everyone needs to get off his case ffs. She's the one in the wrong here. Any update OP? I'm all on your side here kid!

Never. Deserved constructive criticism of my actions, perhaps but never name calling.


Don't forget he also called her a slag. If my boyfriend called me anything like that, I'd end it.

Taltos

OK lets cut back on the discussion folks not what this forum is about.

Also Carrie Madshaw, please read our charter. Asking for updates is not permitted here. As you know threads can be very sensitive and the OP is under no obligation to reply with updates.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Hi op sorry about your situation. In reading your initial post I swear I almost asked for her name. The reason being I swear that is EXACTLY how my ex behaved when she started a new job.

In the same way as you, through checking her phone I discovered her carrying on with two fellas she worked with, one was in a long term relationship and engaged, the other was married!

If I were you (and bear in mind I was you) I would walk away because believe me when I say you will be saving yourself ALOT more hurt

letssee7

Well the relationship is dead.

She puts her needs way above yours and you are allowing it. A break for her to **** around with other people?? I think she has been horrible to you, that comment about robbie liking her tan was designed to hurt you and had created massive insecurity.

I mean I can understand you are in love, but this will cause you huge pain. You either have to bow down to her will- losing your self respect or you have to make it clear that there is no ****ing around break in the middle of a two year relationship- she needs to realise she is losing you!!!# not that you are losing her.

Just please don't give her what she wants, its actually a disgusting lack of respect.

zl1whqvjs75cdy

I think its done mate sorry. Even if nothing happened you clearly don't trust her, and with good reason. Leave it for the sake of your sanity. Yeah it'll be **** for 6 months or so but if you stay with someone who clearly doesn't care too much about your feelings then it'll be a million times worse. End it, but try and keep your cool if you can. Always feels better to keep calm and no name calling. Sorry if that sounds very preachy.

Wibbs

Catari Jaguar wrote: »

She wants to test the waters with this Robbie guy and get her fling out of her system and keep you stringing along nicely as her back-up. She's treating you like dirt and you are telling her you love her so much??? Ego stroking her will just make her disrespect you. It's a catch 22 because if you ignore her behaviour or start going out herself she will run into the arms of Robbie (or whoever else) and blame you but I genuinely think she'll do it anyways.

Going on what you've told us this would be my take too TBH. Only I'd reckon this Robbie is less of a fling idea. The testing of the water with a possible replacement partner while keeping the current partner as backup is a common enough one, particularly among people who can't be single for any length of time. The breaks starting to show around the two year mark another common one too with the same type. How well did you know her before you were a couple? Did she leave a guy just before you started going out together, was there any overlap? In my experience the can't be single type nearly always have previous like this. People tend to repeat patterns.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far.

Last night we had a talk and it was very emotional for both of us. I apologised for calling her names and asked her to please just be honest with me. She told me that her and Robbie kissed on a night out a few weeks ago but that it hadn't gone further then that. I was devastated by this news. She had seemed so adamant that nothing had ever happened and I feel like a fool for believing her.

She said she's willing to try and work things out as long as I am willing to 'give her space to find out who she really is'. I agreed to this even though I'm not sure what it means. I just can't bear the thought of losing her completely. I hate the fact that she works with this Robbie fella but what can I do. She was in tears last night when she told me what had happened and swore blind it will never ever happen again. I have no choice but to believe her and give her the space she's asked for.

I feel sick when I picture them together but maybe now she has it out of her system she won't do it again and will focus on mending us.

Do you think we stand a chance or am i a mug?
Thanks:(

Neyite

sexandthepity wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies so far.

Last night we had a talk and it was very emotional for both of us. I apologised for calling her names and asked her to please just be honest with me. She told me that her and Robbie kissed on a night out a few weeks ago but that it hadn't gone further then that. I was devastated by this news. She had seemed so adamant that nothing had ever happened and I feel like a fool for believing her.

She said she's willing to try and work things out as long as I am willing to 'give her space to find out who she really is'. I agreed to this even though I'm not sure what it means. I just can't bear the thought of losing her completely. I hate the fact that she works with this Robbie fella but what can I do. She was in tears last night when she told me what had happened and swore blind it will never ever happen again. I have no choice but to believe her and give her the space she's asked for.

I feel sick when I picture them together but maybe now she has it out of her system she won't do it again and will focus on mending us.

Do you think we stand a chance or am i a mug?
Thanks:(

Ok, she cheated. Now you have to play hardball. At the moment she wants you as a safe option while she "finds" herself - basically, she wants to keep you as a back up in case her new lifestyle does not work out. So what you need to do is show her what she is missing. Ask her to move out. Where she goes is not your problem. Give her her space in spades. Let her kip on her new friends sofa. or into a flatshare where she has to label her milk.

Then when she sees that the grass is not greener, when she begins to appreciate what she is missing, then you can start to mend your relationship. She wont do that when she has all the comforts of a long term loving relationship and all the excitement of a single life. She is banking on you being nice, and forgiving.

Honestly ask yourself - would she give YOU this much understanding if you did what she did?

But honestly OP, I don't think this is a healthy relationship at all. You have her on a pedestal, she takes you totally for granted. You are her doormat and she happily wipes the floor with your feelings. You distrust her, you call her names, and she cheats. A relationship should enrich your life, not cause you this much hurt and angst. I think neither of you are suited for the long haul. Sorry. I know its not what you want to hear right now.

Dinxminx

I think both of you are treating each other badly here and you're both as bad as each other.

In your shoes, if my other half told me they kissed somebody else and I knew it was going to be difficult (if not impossible) to believe that it would never happen again, I would walk.

In her shoes, if my other half called me slag, told me I looked like a clown for trying a new look or said/did anything that I felt was done solely to make me feel bad about myself and decimate my self-confidence, I would walk.

And to those of you who say we all say things in the heat of the moment - no. You can't take words back. Even after you apologise, the other person will think about it and wonder if that's how you really see them. I think it's basic respect to treat someone the way you'd like to be treated. Neither the OP nor the girlfriend are doing this.

OP you either need a relationship overhaul or you need to call it quits. If you both keep going the way you're going you will destroy each other.

wirelessdude01

She admitted to the least amount that she could to try and explain her actions over the past few weeks. Your gut instinct was right and I'm gonna guess you think that more happened(I know I do based on what you said on here).

Ask her to move out and frame it in such a way that your telling her to go do all her 'finding herself' but that you won't be the fall back option. She sounds like a right piece of work and not in a good way. Have more respect for yourself than allowing yourself to be made a mug out of.

wirelessdude01

sexandthepity wrote: »

I have no choice but to believe her and give her the space she's asked for.

You have a decision and choice to make but it appears like you don't have the guts to follow it through. She has the upper hand now and can fob all her actions from here on in on her 'finding herself'.

P. Breathnach

If the space she requires is the space in which she socialises with Robbie while declining to communicate with you, then you are being a mug.

She should see that her behaviour has brought your relationship to the brink, and if she wants to save it, she has to mend her ways.

wirelessdude01

By the way did she say where she spent the weekend?

MagicMarker

sexandthepity wrote: »

I have no choice but to believe her and give her the space she's asked for.

I feel sick when I picture them together but maybe now she has it out of her system she won't do it again and will focus on mending us.

Do you think we stand a chance or am i a mug?
Thanks:(

She kissed him a few weeks ago on a night out yet continues to go out with him on nights out? On top of this she threw this guy Robbie in your face during an argument only the other night? That doesn't sound like someone who's particularly remorseful to me.

Personally, if you stay with her then I would say you're a mug. How are you going to feel all day every day knowing that she's with him in work? Or next Friday when she goes out with him?

The trust is gone, the relationship is doomed imo.

buried

Sorry OP but it is time to give up on this relationship. You should have given up on it when she went missing for a whole weekend without explanation, started dropping nasty vague hints of a fling with 'Robbie' etc.. all these devious actions which led you to loose your temper (which is exactly the kind of crafty tactic employed by these types - you rightfully get mad/upset, start name calling = they instantly become the victim instead) Now you know the truth of it, get rid of her for your own good. Get rid of this cheating, devious person today. What is it bringing to your table but a load of trouble? Just learn the lessons from the sorry episode and be free of it.

wirelessdude01

OP, go back and look at the title you put on this at the start. Is she cheating? You have your answer now and that really should be the end of the thread and her.

LegacyUser

Ok so you should't have called her names but I wouldn't worry too much about that in light of the situation. I think folks should move on from this, there are no wildly differing "two sides" to this story its very clear whats going on.

It's a common thing for people who have been wronged to sit back and be wronged even further. Sure if you're in the right it will all come round ok yeah?

It probably won't though. It will lead to a build up in frustration and the inability to do anything about it could lead to you feeling very miserable. If you let it go on long enough, and allow it to happen in other aspects of your life (work, family etc), it could very well lead to depression. Thats what happened to me anyway.

It's not cruel to stand up and say 'actually sorry I don't think this situation is cool at all'.

Ask her to move out for a while so you can get some space to find yourself as well, cus maybe you need to do so too? We don't know the full story and it sounds like her frustrations in life might go deeper than her relationship with you.

If you can forgive her that's cool, and if you trust her not to do it again that's even better, but give it time.

letssee7

She is taking advantage of you. You have acted like a wonderful friend, but a hopeless lover. Lots of girls take advantage of this. You are safe and kind of fun, but not exciting. Having an affair for excitement is what she wants. Don't sir back and take it.

You are her equal. She will never make you properly happy ever again. Who cares there's many other girls to sleep with.

Tell her that more space is fine, but she'll never see you again. The relationship is dead.

Stop giving get exactly what she wants, it is weak and making her even less attracted. Stand the **** up for yourself.

I suffered as you have and made the stupid mistake of following what I thought was love.... Never value a girl more highly than you value yourself. I'm like a new man now that I told her exactly what I thought and cut contact forever.

Wibbs

She kissed this other bloke? Game over. Or it should be. You're now the safety net for sure. "Robbie" though he may be a fling to get her emotionally out of your relationship and back into a single life, it's more than possible that he's the next boyfriend. The type who require the safety net are unlikely to go full steam into singledom, so I'd reckon the latter. The "one kiss" didn't come outa nowhere, I guarantee that. It was built up and planned by her, hence you never met the mates. IMHO She had zeroed in on "Robbie" as having potential from very early on. So she hedged her bets. You meeting the workmates would have cramped that.

The tears are a surefire way to keep you in that position of safety net. Tears are all too often shed in lieu of a decent response to a real question. Other ways to keep you in this position are lines like "I want to get my feelings back for you", "I need time to think", "I'm not sure what I want" and the classic "I'm confused". This makes you think that maybe she is confused, maybe she does want to work on this. 9 times outa 10 you'd be daft to buy into this. She's still hedging her bets, like IMHO she has since she changed jobs and met these new "trendy" people. The sex will likely dry up as she's not sure and wants to wait until the relationship is back on an even keel etc. It's probably eased off for a while, even before this. If it eased off soon after she started this job, you have extra stuff to add to your answer.

Don't get me wrong, when I say she "planned" this, it's usually not that cold or calculated, more a subconscious thing, but the result is the same.

As for calling her a clown over the makeup. OK not cool, however I'd be taking the "first punch" approach here. If someone thumps me in the head and I then thump them back it's not cool of me, I should back away, but it's understandable. If I treated a girlfriend the way she's apparently treated you and she called me all the names under the sun I'd understand why(I'd also ask why she let me). In this case she threw the first punch, indeed a series of them. 1) going off for nights, inc one whole weekend with said work mates 2) hiding stuff and this whole Robbie business and 3) saying that the same bloke preferred her this way to rub your face in it? Clown is mild TBH. I'd not say Clown or any of that, I'd give her directions to the door.

TL;DR? If she wants "space to think", give it to her and walk away. Make it known you ain't gonna wait for her. Ignore the tears. Where were her tears when she was away for weekends? Where were her tears when she was snogging another bloke who she's also been texting back and forth(though soo not cool to be checking her phone). If she wants to work at it and she wants you back she knows how to contact you. As I said in another thread if you want love, accept no substitutes.


PS how do I reckon I know all this? Once I was you and stupidly bought the BS and I've been "Robbie" quite the number of times.

LegacyUser

OP, she needs space to find out who she is? BS. She is deciding between you and someone else. This isn't X-factor. Why should you and the other lad have to parade in front of her (metaphorically) before she makes a choice?

Too late. Her head is turned and it'll never be the same.

CaraMay

She is using you until he asks her out. There is nothing surer. She has already lied to you and cannot be trusted especially while she is finding herself. Dump her before she leads you on a dead end merry dance.

Lenmeister

Neyite wrote: »

Ok, she cheated. Now you have to play hardball. Let her kip on her new friends sofa. or into a flatshare where she has to label her milk.

Good analogy. Listin to Neyite. That's exactly what you have to do now. Like I said before you can NOT be afraid to lose her. Don't be her dog that she can throw a biscuit to every so often to keep you hanging in there.

You have to give it to her hard. Make it very apparent that you will boot her out of the apartment and/or end it right now if you find out she has gone beyond what she says she has.

The fear of losing you will bring her to make a choice. Either she will realise how much more your relationship is worth than Robbie and tell you everything that happened - if it did, or she will ditch you and move out - which will tell you how far it's gone and what she really thinks of you.

I doubt that all she did was kiss Robbie when her emotions were running high and she ran out in tears, but you will find out soon enough.

LegacyUser

Something similar happened to me.

Confront her about the text messages now. Tell her you love her more than the world, ask her is she unhappy, and ask her what's going on, because it can't go on like that...either she has done something silly or she will do it.

Women need to KNOW they are loved and cared for by their man. Otherwise, they'll seek it else where