Boyfriend watching porn makes me insecure

Confusedkate

I would love any suggestions or tips or just any ideas to how i should approach this situation... I would explain myself as a slightly jelous person which i try my hardest not to be . My boyfriend of 6 years is to my knowledge a loyal boyfriend and others do comment that he'd never hurt me . But the problem is he is .. He works from home and rarely has much contact with girls .

We went on holiday in may and there was a girl behind a bar that was pretty that i kept catching up looking at ,we went horse rideing the instructor was a very pretty blonde female and as we were in a group horseriding session i was at the end and a few people/horses inbetween and then my boyfriend right behind the instuctor .. They had great fun together chatted for the hour and half session and were really friendly my boyfriend did shout back to me a few times but never thot to ask could he horse ride beside me ...why would he ,he was having too much fun flirting with a way more attractive girl.. I was very angry but i never said anything i pretended to be in a bad mood that i didnt enjoy the horse riding.. so back to the main subject.. My boyfriend watched porn before he got with me as i thought i seen it on his old phone and he told me he didnt need it as he has me and had taken videos and pictures of me which i was extremly uncomfortable with but agreed to instead of him going on the inet ..

We do not live together as he has never asked me to and never mentions it ,engagment anything to do with us moving on .. I see him often at his house where he lives alone and he comes to mine where i live with my parents .. Last week while looking on the internet in my house the laptop froze so i took up his phone to search the internet and when i put in the lettee f free porn came up ,i turned the phone to show him and he said oh me and my "friend" (male friend were messing) i couldnt say anything as my parents were there . I text him when he went home and said that i was so hurt that he never told me and how insecure i felt and he knows ive no confidence and this had knocked it even more. I cried myself to sleep that night i just felt so hurt and ugly and not good enough .. We talked he said its because im not there at his house enough why he looks at it but still never said come up more ,move in etc ..I as usual said ok fair enough but u still know how it upsets me and i didnt care if he did watch it (i tried my hardest not to be angry or possesive or jelous as i think alot of guys watch it married or single or in a relationship )

So lastnite i harmlessly went to look at his phone and straight away up comes more porn . I must of been excepting it subconciously as i waited until he was in the toilet when i rltried to search the inet for somthing which we had just been talking about before he went to the toilet . I got angry upset but again went quiet and never said anything .. as we were sitting in the car waiting for a take away people were walking past and a girl got out of a car right beside him which he looked at her up and down several times and then when she was going into her flat passed some comment like oh i didnt realise that was a flat as i knew he knew i had caught him looking .. i didnt talk the hole way home he knew there was somthing wrong but never asked and i then went home and got into bed and cried this was lastnite ..I got a text from him lastnite to say i may tell him whats wrong as he had no idea..which i still havent replied to.

I today feel sick ,cant stop wanting to cry and just feel so low .I paint a bad picture of him .. he's a helpful,kind and happy person .. I just cant go on feeling so low or lieing through my teeth that it doesnt bother me but it really really does i dont want to ever loose him but i cant go on feeling like this .. would love male and female opinions asap i dont know what to do ..

Alf Veedersane

My advice: stop being insecure.


Take care of yourselves....aaaand each other.

amazingemmet

Judging from your post you sound very insecure about yourself. And reading more into this its not about your Bf spanking the monkey to strange women online but the fact that he might realise there's other women out there and you feel you can compete with them. In my experience nothing boost someones confidence more then getting in shape. I reccommend you look up the "paleo diet" and find a good exercises program you can follow at 3 times a week. Going to the gym and using freeweights would be ideal but there's loads of stuff you can do at home if your budget won't stretch that far.

I think your thread will be moved to the relationship issues forum OP but my take on it is this:

It's horrible that you are so insecure, but that's your issue, not your boyfriend's.

So he finds other women attractive, that's absolutely normal. Watching porn is absolutely normal too.

This isn't about your boyfriend, this is about you, and you need to work on your own confidence because jealousy is one of the most unattractive traits any person can have.

He's with you, not someone else - he shouldn't have to hide things from you because you might get in a bad mood or cry over it, that's a sign of a relationship that is only heading for bad places tbh. He will end up resenting you, and you him.

Like I said, he's doing nothing wrong by finding other women attractive and watching porn. He obviously feels he can't be honest with you. Look to yourself to fix this - not him because you will end up miserable and that's not fair on either of you. Talk to him about how you feel and let him be honest to you without getting angry. Openness and communication is the only way to make a relationship a happy one.

howamidifferent

Watching porn together can be a good thing which can open up the lines of communication even more between a couple and allow them to be more honest with each other as to what each likes or finds a turn on.

Confusedkate

I think you have opened a whole new can of worms and i completly agree with you i think it is im afraid that he will find someone elese .. but im a size six and im more trying to put on weight than loose it but i can see where youre going .. In the last week ive been told there has been two men enquiring about me its not that im disgustigly ugly its just i dont feel good enough . Your reply means alot and thank you so much and i mean it sincerly :-)

Confusedkate

Confusedkate wrote: »

I think you have opened a whole new can of worms and i completly agree with you i think it is im afraid that he will find someone elese .. but im a size six and im more trying to put on weight than loose it but i can see where youre going .. In the last week ive been told there has been two men enquiring about me its not that im disgustigly ugly its just i dont feel good enough . Your reply means alot and thank you so much and i mean it sincerly :-)

You can't live your life like that. You will make yourself sick!

Sure couldn't you find someone else either?

He's been with you for six years, he finds you attractive there is no doubt about that, he wouldn't be with you if he didn't.

He is much much more likely to want out of the relationship over jealousy than over how you look and that's the truth of it. Attitude is a lot more attractive than looking like you're straight off the cover of a magazine. Attitude is can make someone sexy.

Talk to him, work on your confidence, realise that you want him - but you don't need him - that way the fear of losing him will be lessened considerably. Walk tall and smile a lot, you might not be confident but pretend you are, put on an act and look around you, you will realise quite quickly that there are men checking you out. The more you pretend to be confident the quicker you won't need to pretend any more! Once you are confident in yourself, other women being attractive won't matter.

I really do feel for you, I've suffered from horrendously low self esteem and it's horrible, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but only you can change it.

Confusedkate

Thank you very much but how do i stop myself from getting angry /upset if i catch him again .. I really cant help it i tried my hardestvlastnite but it just didnt work . You are right im going to start spending time on me hopefully i'll feel better and i can fake it till i make it !! my next thread will be help im pver confident hehehe thanks very much .

Confusedkate

I've flagged it with the mods that it needs to be moved so I'm sure when one of them is online they will move it

Confusedkate wrote: »

Thank you very much but how do i stop myself from getting angry /upset if i catch him again .. I really cant help it i tried my hardestvlastnite but it just didnt work . You are right im going to start spending time on me hopefully i'll feel better and i can fake it till i make it !! my next thread will be help im pver confident hehehe thanks very much .

Well firstly you have to get the phrase "catch him" out of your vocabulary!! You're not his mother, you can't catch him doing something he's not allowed to do. He watches porn, he probably watches it very regularly, most* people do, it's nothing to do with how he feels about you though. Nothing at all.

Watch it yourself, keep at it until you find something you enjoy to watch. Once you find that, without overthinking it, ask yourself what you like about it. You'll realise it's not that you think the guy is better/hotter than your boyfriend. And that's the same for him. It's just about the sex!




*i clearly don't know what most people do because I don't know most people but in my experience porn is a very normal thing

ShaShaBear

Op, the clue is you are not "catching" him at anything. He is well within his rights to look at other women and masturbate to porn if he wants to. The only time this entirely normal behaviour should become a problem is if he is masturbating so often that he does not want to have sex with you, or if he goes out of his way to look at other women, ie going out just to look, constantly ignoring you to chat to them etc.

Agreeing to let him have pictures and videos of you in the hopes that he won't look at porn when you were extremely uncomfortable is just immature and childish. If it made you uncomfortable you should have said no. Mind you, that sounds more like you don't want him masturbating at all rather than just to strange women. After 6 years together, I imagine you could trust him with a saucy picture or two. The comment about pretending to be in a bad mood just to get his attention also screams immaturity. Maybe he and this woman had something specific in common. Maybe, just maybe, they both really like horses and equestrianism? Maybe he wanted to know more, and she was willing to discuss it? Just because YOU think she looks pretty doesn't mean she does? I think Joely Richardson is absolutely beautiful, but my partner can't stand the sight of her.

You are trying to impress how you think your boyfriend should feel and act onto him, and you are being grossly unfair. If a girl walks by in a bright orange tshirt and a green pair of pants, you're going to look. Eyecatching certainly does not always mean attractive, and your boyfriend should definitely not be afraid to turn his eye away from you for a second to glance at someone in his peripherals. He should also not have to lie about watching porn when you are not around.

Overall you sound far too immature, insecure and borderline controlling to be in this relationship, and for his sake you might want to consider letting him go.

maguic24

Confusedkate wrote: »

I would love any suggestions or tips or just any ideas to how i should approach this situation... I would explain myself as a slightly jelous person which i try my hardest not to be . My boyfriend of 6 years is to my knowledge a loyal boyfriend and others do comment that he'd never hurt me . But the problem is he is .. He works from home and rarely has much contact with girls . We went on holiday in may and there was a girl behind a bar that was pretty that i kept catching up looking at ,we went horse rideing the instructor was a very pretty blonde female and as we were in a group horseriding session i was at the end and a few people/horses inbetween and then my boyfriend right behind the instuctor .. They had great fun together chatted for the hour and half session and were really friendly my boyfriend did shout back to me a few times but never thot to ask could he horse ride beside me ...why would he ,he was having too much fun flirting with a way more attractive girl.. I was very angry but i never said anything i pretended to be in a bad mood that i didnt enjoy the horse riding.. so back to the main subject.. My boyfriend watched porn before he got with me as i thought i seen it on his old phone and he told me he didnt need it as he has me and had taken videos and pictures of me which i was extremly uncomfortable with but agreed to instead of him going on the inet .. We do not live together as he has never asked me to and never mentions it ,engagment anything to do with us moving on .. I see him often at his house where he lives alone and he comes to mine where i live with my parents .. Last week while looking on the internet in my house the laptop froze so i took up his phone to search the internet and when i put in the lettee f free porn came up ,i turned the phone to show him and he said oh me and my "friend" (male friend were messing) i couldnt say anything as my parents were there . I text him when he went home and said that i was so hurt that he never told me and how insecure i felt and he knows ive no confidence and this had knocked it even more. I cried myself to sleep that night i just felt so hurt and ugly and not good enough .. We talked he said its because im not there at his house enough why he looks at it but still never said come up more ,move in etc ..I as usual said ok fair enough but u still know how it upsets me and i didnt care if he did watch it (i tried my hardest not to be angry or possesive or jelous as i think alot of guys watch it married or single or in a relationship ) So lastnite i harmlessly went to look at his phone and straight away up comes more porn . I must of been excepting it subconciously as i waited until he was in the toilet when i rltried to search the inet for somthing which we had just been talking about before he went to the toilet . I got angry upset but again went quiet and never said anything .. as we were sitting in the car waiting for a take away people were walking past and a girl got out of a car right beside him which he looked at her up and down several times and then when she was going into her flat passed some comment like oh i didnt realise that was a flat as i knew he knew i had caught him looking .. i didnt talk the hole way home he knew there was somthing wrong but never asked and i then went home and got into bed and cried this was lastnite ..I got a text from him lastnite to say i may tell him whats wrong as he had no idea..which i still havent replied to. I today feel sick ,cant stop wanting to cry and just feel so low .I paint a bad picture of him .. he's a helpful,kind and happy person .. I just cant go on feeling so low or lieing through my teeth that it doesnt bother me but it really really does i dont want to ever loose him but i cant go on feeling like this .. would love male and female opinions asap i dont know what to do ..

I think you're over-reacting in relation to the porn bit. Women in relationships watch porn and own dildo's/vibrators, it doesn't mean they don't want to be in a relationship. Before you even go there, I am a female with female friends.

You come across as very insecure OP. I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about this or close friends (male and female!).

amazingemmet

Heat_Wave wrote: »

Strangest post I've read in the Fitness forum.

@AmazingEmmet: Your advice made me lol.

While a bit toungue in cheek its 100% accurate. As the Op said she's on the small side and could do with gaining some weight. Now she's got two choices in that she can sit on the couch eat a bit more and gain ten percent of her BW in fat, lets put it at 5kg, or she could go to the gym change how she eats and gain say 4kg of muscle and 1kg of fat while bring her squat from 0kg to 35kg. Which would have the bigger impact on her confidence and self image?

It doesn't have to be the gym it could be any other physical activity for some people its going out with their after work five a side team others its just getting through ashtanga sequence one with out getting out of breath.

The common theme is challenge, journey to overcome that challenge then completion. And that is what builds inner confidence.

Sorry to talk about you in 3rd person OP

maguic24

Deleted User wrote: »

I've flagged it with the mods that it needs to be moved so I'm sure when one of them is online they will move it



Well firstly you have to get the phrase "catch him" out of your vocabulary!! You're not his mother, you can't catch him doing something he's not allowed to do. He watches porn, he probably watches it very regularly, most* people do, it's nothing to do with how he feels about you though. Nothing at all.

Watch it yourself, keep at it until you find something you enjoy to watch. Once you find that, without overthinking it, ask yourself what you like about it. You'll realise it's not that you think the guy is better/hotter than your boyfriend. And that's the same for him. It's just about the sex!




*i clearly don't know what most people do because I don't know most people but in my experience porn is a very normal thing

I was trying to say that but didn't know how to phrase it correctly! It is very common, even with girls and it shouldn't be taken personally. It's no reflection on you OP!!!

Confusedkate

I also didnt mention that he is there for me phyisically but last week i text him late at night with a problem again me being upset over somthing not related to him .. He would of been fast asleep when i sent the text but the next day or ever since has not mentioned it to me .. Which also hurt me.. He also had an incident through work that he had contact with a girl he told me about it it was extremly harmless .. but then telling his friend explained the girl as this blonde girl etc etc .. (he didnt know i could hear ) .. He talks about going to newzealand but i am afraid of no.1 i will feel too alone as in the situation i was in last week he never even commented on i had my family to talk to about it but if i was in new zealand id be alone no.2 im afraid that he'll meet someone elese he'd be in a whole new situation with woman all around .. No.3 been left in a foreign country by myself .. And do u all find it odd that after 6 years no mention of getting engaged or talking about children . Ive mentined before about opening an account and saving together for a house but the reply i get is that he saves himself ..He is 25 and im 22 (just trying to give a fuller picture here) Ahhhhh what do i do !!

Confusedkate

Thanks guys ,i thot that when i sent it actually !! Its not tho i dont grab his phone when he's not looking etc and have a sneak they were 2 harmless situations that i genuinly was useing his phone .. the other thing is he got angry a couple of years ago when i had cosmo magazine you know the innocent pics of half naked men yeah them .. He told me i might aswell be looking at porn .. Im into fashion thats y i had cosmo .. Thanks for your reply's keep them coming :-)

maguic24

Confusedkate wrote: »

I also didnt mention that he is there for me phyisically but last week i text him late at night with a problem again me being upset over somthing not related to him .. He would of been fast asleep when i sent the text but the next day or ever since has not mentioned it to me .. Which also hurt me.. He also had an incident through work that he had contact with a girl he told me about it it was extremly harmless .. but then telling his friend explained the girl as this blonde girl etc etc .. (he didnt know i could hear ) .. He talks about going to newzealand but i am afraid of no.1 i will feel too alone as in the situation i was in last week he never even commented on i had my family to talk to about it but if i was in new zealand id be alone no.2 im afraid that he'll meet someone elese he'd be in a whole new situation with woman all around .. No.3 been left in a foreign country by myself .. And do u all find it odd that after 6 years no mention of getting engaged or talking about children . Ive mentined before about opening an account and saving together for a house but the reply i get is that he saves himself ..He is 25 and im 22 (just trying to give a fuller picture here) Ahhhhh what do i do !!

You're only 22 OP, let's not put the cart before the horse. I am the exact same age as you (well will be in October :P) and my bf is 25 as well. There'll be no wedding talk til we're at least 50. :P And as for children, you have to live your life first! That's my take on it. I want to travel, take each day as comes. See what happens.

In the words of Billy Joel, 'Slow down, you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile!'.

Marriage and kids would be a big no no at this stage in your relationship, you need to sort your head out. Live your life as you and not around someone else. You can be in a relationship but you also have to remember that you are an individual and your own person!

Alf Veedersane

Confusedkate wrote: »

And do u all find it odd that after 6 years no mention of getting engaged or talking about children . Ive mentined before about opening an account and saving together for a house but the reply i get is that he saves himself ..He is 25 and im 22 (just trying to give a fuller picture here) Ahhhhh what do i do !!

Not in the slightest bit odd. He's 25, you're 22.

You're concerns are almost entirely rooted in your head. You're worrying about things that may happen. It's all negativity generated entirely by you.

But that's down to your insecurity. You need to work on that, as has been said.

ShaShaBear

Confusedkate wrote: »

I also didnt mention that he is there for me phyisically but last week i text him late at night with a problem again me being upset over somthing not related to him .. He would of been fast asleep when i sent the text but the next day or ever since has not mentioned it to me .. Which also hurt me.. He also had an incident through work that he had contact with a girl he told me about it it was extremly harmless .. but then telling his friend explained the girl as this blonde girl etc etc .. (he didnt know i could hear ) .. He talks about going to newzealand but i am afraid of no.1 i will feel too alone as in the situation i was in last week he never even commented on i had my family to talk to about it but if i was in new zealand id be alone no.2 im afraid that he'll meet someone elese he'd be in a whole new situation with woman all around .. No.3 been left in a foreign country by myself .. And do u all find it odd that after 6 years no mention of getting engaged or talking about children . Ive mentined before about opening an account and saving together for a house but the reply i get is that he saves himself ..He is 25 and im 22 (just trying to give a fuller picture here) Ahhhhh what do i do !!

Do you actually mean to tell me that you had no problem with your partner having to make contact with a girl until you found out she was blonde? So what if he found her attractive? So what if she had massive pert boobs and a body to die for? What do you care? Did he sleep with her?
Seriously OP, you wont let him watch porn, you won't let him watch other women, you're making it difficult for him to travel to New Zealand, you're pressuring him to save for a house at 25, you expect him to want to marry and have kids when he still wants to go out and travel, and then you text him about problems when you KNOW he is trying to sleep, and you wonder why he is starting to become distant?

I think you might need to contact a counsellor.

Confusedkate

Never stated that i went silent to get his attention we were having a nice night until that and i didnt want to ruin it by asking him about it or potentially causeing a row ... Your message did set me back a little but cruel to be kind eigh ;-) Yes i trust him hole heartly with pics etc thats y i did it i dont think theres any woman out there (other than the girls on the inet) that feel positively confident haveing there photo taken fully naked or slightly dressed i didnt mean i put that much presdure on myself for somthing i really didnt want to do . It's a bit like public speaking i done love getting up infront of a crowd to speak but i dont hate it .

Confusedkate

No really no .. It was the lenght of detail he went into describeing her to the friend .. y not give me the same description if he had nothing to hide ? I cant fully remember but it was on the lines of tall real tanned blonde girl whst he said to his friend i just heard this girl .. im not a complete b**** i do assure u i am sane !!!

ShaShaBear

Confusedkate wrote: »

Never stated that i went silent to get his attention we were having a nice night until that and i didnt want to ruin it by asking him about it or potentially causeing a row ... Your message did set me back a little but cruel to be kind eigh ;-) Yes i trust him hole heartly with pics etc thats y i did it i dont think theres any woman out there (other than the girls on the inet) that feel positively confident haveing there photo taken fully naked or slightly dressed i didnt mean i put that much presdure on myself for somthing i really didnt want to do . It's a bit like public speaking i done love getting up infront of a crowd to speak but i dont hate it .

Then why dont you take them yourself? It can be very confidence-building, you have full control over the content, and its a surprise for him.
My post is putting you across exactly as you are coming across. You keep putting pressure on him to be exactly what you think he should be, and that isn't normal. If you didn't want to ruin the day, you shouldn't have sat there huffing on a horse and instead maybe trotted up beside the two of them and asked them politely and cheerfully what they were talking about so you could join in. Why would he have to slow his horse away from the instructor to trot beside you, when you could have easily cantered up to him?

Relationships involve meeting each other halfway, but it sounds like you are not one bit interested in making any compromises.

ShaShaBear

Confusedkate wrote: »

No really no .. It was the lenght of detail he went into describeing her to the friend .. y not give me the same description if he had nothing to hide ? I cant fully remember but it was on the lines of tall real tanned blonde girl whst he said to his friend i just heard this girl .. im not a complete b**** i do assure u i am sane !!!

Maybe because you'd blow your top and get angry and upset with him, because that's what you seem to do about everything else?

Did you honestly expect him to tell you something like that when you huffed about him talking to a riding instructor while on a horse riding excursion????

Eli Nich

Replace him with one who doesnt watch.

Confusedkate

I was just trying to give a bigger picture as in our ages to give a better idea who you might be adviseing .. Yeah really have some work to do on myself i really do know that much and i am very glad its me that the work needs to be done on ! thank you :-)

Confusedkate

Eli Nich wrote: »

Replace him with one who doesnt watch.

Dont think there is one out there that doesnt watch and i dont think its now a crime its me thats the problem not him..

Alf Veedersane

Confusedkate wrote: »

No really no .. It was the lenght of detail he went into describeing her to the friend .. y not give me the same description if he had nothing to hide ? I cant fully remember but it was on the lines of tall real tanned blonde girl whst he said to his friend i just heard this girl .. im not a complete b**** i do assure u i am sane !!!

Why didn't he describe her like that to you?

Have a read over your posts in this thread and you'll see why?

Blokes usually talk to friends, especially male friends, about the physical appearance of good looking women they met. They might even say they'd give them a length. That doesn't mean they're seriously considering engineering a situation where they give that girl a length.

ShaShaBear

Confusedkate wrote: »

I was just trying to give a bigger picture as in our ages to give a better idea who you might be adviseing .. Yeah really have some work to do on myself i really do know that much and i am very glad its me that the work needs to be done on ! thank you :-)

All you need to do is understand and accept that:

• You are not the only woman on the planet
• He is bound to find more physical features attractive than the ones you have, and will undoubtedly see them on other women day-to-day
• He is entitled to talk to, and about women that you think are good-looking, without him having a secret agenda
• If he needs a sexual release, he should be allowed to use the internet to find a video portraying a sexual fantasy or preference of his
• He shouldn't have to feel pressured into committing to marriage, children and a house simply because you feel you have been going out together long enough
• After six long years of looking at other women with different physical attributes, after watching God knows how many porns and after getting grief from you God knows how many times for looking at, talking to and talking about women beside yourself, he still has not dumped you

Confusedkate

He had absolutly no idea as i said i didnt enjoy excurrsion and was sore from it as i hadnt been in a long time and he never knew that it did make me angry etc.. You see the other way around there would be a full blown row if it was me that had chatted to a male instructor etc , Has happened in the past i have a male friend that he barely can talk to and is very noticable because he is a straight male he thinks he wants me but we have been friends since we were 6 and not even one kiss has been exchanged which i keep telling him .. Did u see my comment about cosmo magazine ?? Other than stopping going quiet in these situations how do u believe i could get him to tell me about stuff like the detail of the girl ?

ShaShaBear

Confusedkate wrote: »

He had absolutly no idea as i said i didnt enjoy excurrsion and was sore from it as i hadnt been in a long time and he never knew that it did make me angry etc.. You see the other way around there would be a full blown row if it was me that had chatted to a male instructor etc , Has happened in the past i have a male friend that he barely can talk to and is very noticable because he is a straight male he thinks he wants me but we have been friends since we were 6 and not even one kiss has been exchanged which i keep telling him .. Did u see my comment about cosmo magazine ?? Other than stopping going quiet in these situations how do u believe i could get him to tell me about stuff like the detail of the girl ?

Why would you WANT him to tell you stuff like that if it bothers you so much?

Alf Veedersane

Look, you need to work on yourself first.

If you're offended by his actions, then don't stay with him. Or do you stay with him because you're too insecure to take that leap?

I mean what is it that holds you together, from your perspective?

But aside from everything, you need to work on your own self-esteem and until you have that in order you'll never resolve the right decision to make regarding whether or not you both should be together.

Oryx

Moved to relationship issues.

Ickle Magoo

Thread re-opened after clean up.

Please all note PI charter applies from here in. Anyone not sure what that means, please read THIS before posting.

Cheers.

Confusedkate

Because maybe if he told me in the same context as he told his frien i wouldnt think anymore about it and could trust .. like from day one if he had said about the porn "ive started watching" "id love to try.." id be ok . When i first seen it on his phone it was 2 weeks ago .. and the two nights before that he fell asleep didnt want it off me they weren't 2 nights in a row but 2 nights in that week .. Has happened since .

strobe

Confusedkate wrote: »

Because maybe if he told me in the same context as he told his frien i wouldnt think anymore about it and could trust .. like from day one if he had said about the porn "ive started watching" "id love to try.." id be ok .

Do you honestly believe that? Nothing that you've said in the thread indicates that you would be fine if he was upfront about watching porn or describes the girl to you the same way he did to his friend. Quite the opposite. I think you're lying to yourself now.

You say in your first post "I'm painting a bad picture of him", you weren't, at all. The fact that you thought what you said of him did that speaks volumes. You painted the picture of a normal everyday human.

Look it's pretty clear that the issue is your insecurities, that you are consumed by the idea that your bf wants other women and will leave you for one of them. But nothing you've said suggests he will, at all.

You can hardly be surprised he's somewhat gaurded about things when you are so over the top about things which just mean he is a normal human being.

I think there's no chance in hell you'd be fine with him describing good looking girls or looking at pornif he was more up front about it. He knows that too. And if you'll just be honest with yourself you'll know it too.

I'm finding your posts quite difficult to decipher, possibly because of how you type, but this isn't English class, so we'll move away from this.

People watch porn. So what? It has been around for a very long time and will be around for much longer than that. People watch it by themselves, with friends (I personally find this odd, but no matter), with their partners. This isn't the issue here, the issue here is you. You're deeply insecure with who you are and this is impacting your relationship quite a lot. So what if he looks at other women, do you look at other men? There's no difference there and is completely natural. He is with you. He has been for 6 years so obviously there is something there.

The truth is that the more you get upset over small things, the more likely it will be that you simply push him away. Do you love him and trust him?

Have you perhaps turned porn into something more personal, like watching it with him?

Alf Veedersane

Confusedkate wrote: »

Because maybe if he told me in the same context as he told his frien i wouldnt think anymore about it and could trust

There's a reason for the the metaphor that men are from Venus and women are from Mars.

Confusedkate

I do have to slightly disagree with you ... I do firmly believe if he had told me at the start those things that i would of took it fine he would of been sharing it with me instead of hideing it from me . I do believe you couldnt of been more right about me tho and appreciate that i need to work on me a lot !!!! Its just he made me feel before all this that he really had no interest in porn or other woman which i was awfully immature to believe sure u wont hold back on agreeing .. and it was a shock to find out those things .. the other way around i dont know if u seen my comment on half naked men in cosmo he got jelous and annoyed as that was on front cover of mag and i bought it for the fashion and this was years ago ! Opinion do u think i should leave my search history and put porn in it or is thst childish ?? I know the other way around if i told my friend about a guy in detail and was looking up male porn he'd be fumeing !!! dont be too harsh as i havent this work done on me yet !!!

Alf Veedersane

Confusedkate wrote: »

I do have to slightly disagree with you ... I do firmly believe if he had told me at the start those things that i would of took it fine he would of been sharing it with me instead of hideing it from me . I do believe you couldnt of been more right about me tho and appreciate that i need to work on me a lot !!!! Its just he made me feel before all this that he really had no interest in porn or other woman which i was awfully immature to believe sure u wont hold back on agreeing .. and it was a shock to find out those things .. the other way around i dont know if u seen my comment on half naked men in cosmo he got jelous and annoyed as that was on front cover of mag and i bought it for the fashion and this was years ago ! Opinion do u think i should leave my search history and put porn in it or is thst childish ?? I know the other way around if i told my friend about a guy in detail and was looking up male porn he'd be fumeing !!! dont be too harsh as i havent this work done on me yet !!!

I wouldn't go putting porn on your history. Leave it as is. No point making things up to prove a point.

If he has a tantrum about topless men in Cosmo, then mention his watching of pórn and watch his cough soften.

If he trys to distinguish and say his is less of an 'offence'', then he's just unreasonable and well, you shouldn't put up with that.

Both of you should be free to look at pórn and magazines without fear of castigation from the other.

ShaShaBear

Confusedkate wrote: »

I do have to slightly disagree with you ... I do firmly believe if he had told me at the start those things that i would of took it fine he would of been sharing it with me instead of hideing it from me . I do believe you couldnt of been more right about me tho and appreciate that i need to work on me a lot !!!! Its just he made me feel before all this that he really had no interest in porn or other woman which i was awfully immature to believe sure u wont hold back on agreeing .. and it was a shock to find out those things .. the other way around i dont know if u seen my comment on half naked men in cosmo he got jelous and annoyed as that was on front cover of mag and i bought it for the fashion and this was years ago ! Opinion do u think i should leave my search history and put porn in it or is thst childish ?? I know the other way around if i told my friend about a guy in detail and was looking up male porn he'd be fumeing !!! dont be too harsh as i havent this work done on me yet !!!

Trying to make it look like you also watch porn to hurt his feelings would be simply childish. Especially when your partner is going out of his way to keep his porn antics from you so he doesn't hurt your feelings.

Confusedkate

Your right not english class .

Confusedkate

Ok so later it will be a chat with him .. I will be saying sorry for how i reacted going all quiet .. And i will be saying that im very sorry that ive let it get to mevits me that has the issue's i couldnt help it as im so insecure and i need to work on it but i need him to be totally honest with me about that stuff .. And im going to ask what exactly it is his into on the inet and if he wants to use it somehow .. And i will ask how qould he feel the other way around also .. And then just leave it at that .. Alf and the rest thanks a mill for the advice some a bit too harsh and irrelavant but a lot i will be useing .. Will update tonite to tell you how it goes thanks again :-)

Honey-ec

I'm going to be extremely blunt with you, OP - this man seems to have the patience of a saint and I think you should consider yourself extremely lucky that he's let you away with your controlling, jealous, passive-aggressive behaviour for as long as he has.

Porn watching is 100% normal. Let's get that out of the way from the offset. However, your posts are screaming to me that it's not actually the porn itself that's the problem - you seem to have a massive issue with the idea of him looking at other women full stop. That is not normal. People don't automatically grow blinkers to everyone else of the opposite sex just because they're in a relationship, and anyone who claims otherwise is either lying or fooling themselves.

You are going to send yourself to the nuthouse and drive him clear away if you keep having a shit-fit every single time he interacts with a woman you perceive to be more attractive than you are.

You are the problem here - not your boyfriend. I would really, really suggest you talk to someone about your self-esteem issues, because he's not going to put up with them forever.

heretochat

I would also suggest leaving the porn watching to one side.. Whether you agree with him watching it or not, that is not the main issue at play here..

As others have said the fundamental problem is with your own insecurities. I do not see anything wrong with a guy or girl talking to other people of the opposite sex, while in a relationship. Such interactions are normal.

Also just because a person is in a relationship they don't become suddenly blind to others of the opposite sex whom they find aesthetically pleasing..

You say yourself that you boyfriend has never acted unfaithfully towards you so that should be all that counts.

He is with you, that is reality. Porn and these other women he looks at are fantasy.

BUT you will only remain his reality if you cop on to yourself in fairness.

wirelessdude01

Sounds to me like you almost want/expect him to cheat and are just waiting for it to happen. That is no way to be living your life. Maybe you should take some time away/step back from the relationship to find out what makes YOU happy.

JenEffy

Confusedkate wrote: »

I also didnt mention that he is there for me phyisically but last week i text him late at night with a problem again me being upset over somthing not related to him .. He would of been fast asleep when i sent the text but the next day or ever since has not mentioned it to me .. Which also hurt me.. He also had an incident through work that he had contact with a girl he told me about it it was extremly harmless .. but then telling his friend explained the girl as this blonde girl etc etc .. (he didnt know i could hear ) .. He talks about going to newzealand but i am afraid of no.1 i will feel too alone as in the situation i was in last week he never even commented on i had my family to talk to about it but if i was in new zealand id be alone no.2 im afraid that he'll meet someone elese he'd be in a whole new situation with woman all around .. No.3 been left in a foreign country by myself .. And do u all find it odd that after 6 years no mention of getting engaged or talking about children . Ive mentined before about opening an account and saving together for a house but the reply i get is that he saves himself ..He is 25 and im 22 (just trying to give a fuller picture here) Ahhhhh what do i do !!

You're only 22. Even though ye've been together for 6 years ye're still very young. It seems like your self-esteem is wrapped up in this relationship, which makes sense because you've been with him since you were a teenager. You need to rely on yourself for feeling good, not him. No matter what you look like, your boyfriend will always check out other girls. You need to build up your confidence without him. I have similar issues (apart from the porn thing) and I find it helps to realise that just because other girls are good-looking, hot, etc., doesn't make me/you any less good-looking. Hope that helps a bit

Confusedkate

Over our six year relationship we have broke up twice .. Once for 2 weeks and october last year for over a month .. the first time we broke up i met someone on a night out and kissed i said i wanted nothing more he texted me every now and again and then the second time we we went on a few dates .. I bumped into my then ex (now boyfriend) he text me after it but we waited for a week before seeing each other again (i had called it off with the other guy by then ) my now boyfriend cried when i told him i kissed someone elese(just a kisses and a few dates) and he didnt know if he could get over it but thankfully did . He said he could never be without me again and was pure miserable when he was without me and i was the same and i know if we did take a break i would and he would be the exact same again ... He doesnt know anything about how jelous i got on holidays ,i overheard about the girl or that ive seen the porn for the second time i just went quiet all these times and blamed various reasons felt sick tired etc .. He doesnt know but im happy and had a headache lastnite !

Wait. Woah.

So you cheated on him and then, after you broke up, went out on a few dates with the guy you kissed???? Crikey, the guy does have the patience of a saint.

Confusedkate

No i did not ,the first time we broke up was for about 2 weeks and the second more than a month .. first time we broke up i kissed a guy .. he text me a few times in between .. And second time we broke up i went on a few dates with him again just kisses no further .. he wanted more as in was trying to get me to go to a concert that december stuff like that and the dates were only in the october .. The guy was lovely ,good looking etc i just didnt want him..

wirelessdude01

So what exactly do you want? I'm not convinced from what you have said on this thread that you actually know yourself.

Alf Veedersane

There's lot of beatifying of the bloke here. He hasn't covered himself in glory in all this so all this jazz of him having the patience of a saint os misplaced.

The main issue at play is the OP's low self esteem and I think that should be that.

Confusedkate

Your right i haven't said what i want .. i dont ask for much really .. Its probably the stage in the relationship but i wish he paid me a little more attention .. you look nice , i like your hair that way etc wouldnt go astray or a few candles lighting in the bedroom or told to get dressed up he's takeing me out .. None of the above ever happens now probably as i said stage in the relationship . Just a bit of effort to show that he loves me . Were not bound together for life or have a life agreement to stay together he could leave me if he wanted to he's obviously happy with me or he'd of left a long time ago .. soo i want those things and i want to know how often he watches porn , what it is he likes and can we spice things up ourselves .. I wont be asking him to stop looking at it thats nuthouse material but i will say its going to take me a bit of time to get use to it and how would he feel the other way around and i'll work from there .. I do love him and i do want to spend my life with him weve been threw thick and thin and always came out stronger .. We do have fun and more good times than bad .. and im glad i done the quiet thing instead of confronting him as alot of you said id send him running !! Im going to be very openminded and allow new suggestions in every department !!! And if this was solved and i coped on a bit to the fact he's with me 6 years for a reason .. and im going to be a positive confident girl and a good girlfriend and not have to do my quiet trait !!!!