People say I'm negative

LegacyUser

I'm really upset at the moment. People keep telling me how negative and draining I am but I don't seem to be able to stop it! I really, really don't mean to be.

Both my parents are very, very negative people, which has been pointed out to me by my boyfriend and my exes. So I'm sure to some extent that negativity is just the norm for me. I guess I've basically just grown up thinking that moaning is a normal part of having a conversation, which to be honest, it seems to be for a lot of people, especially here in England where I now live. But people seem to think I am especially negative.

Sometimes I am aware that I'm having a rant and I know that probably comes across really bad, but other times, I think I'm having a perfectly nice, normal conversation and the other person gets angry and says 'oh my god, you're so negative'. For example, I was in the gym the other day, where I often have a bit of banter with the receptionist. I mentioned to her that I had time to kill before my personal training session and she said 'oh, go to the steamroom'. I said 'ah I probably shouldn't, I've been in there twice already...not sure it's healthy to spend so long in there!'. She got really snippy then and just said 'OK', as if I was being dismissive and annoying, which I guess I was, but I really didn't mean to be...I was just making conversation!

I have consciously tried to say more positive things and be more positive, but it really isn't 'me' and feels so unnatural. I think my negative thinking is really deep seated and invades every part of my being. What can I do?

mashedbanana

Well, you've tried the 'say more positive things, and be more positive' and you said it didn't feel natural to you. But to be honest, I can't see a plan B.
A lot of our behaviour is learned behaviour. I think you need to stick at it. Keep on thinking & talking positively, and associate with happy clappy people. It does rub off. It can be so easy to let yourself get dragged into moan bag mode, and as a nation, we love to crib!

Continue your path of conscience positive approval, and in time this will become your new approach to life. It's a bit like making a big effort to be extra nice to people, and slapping on a smile to boot. Seems weird to start, but eventually become the norm, and natural :-)

Make a conscious effort to say positive things, and it will start coming more naturally. e.g. "yes I do like going to the steam room, good idea. Been twice already though...!"

Neyite

Sometimes being humourous about a situation changes it from being percieved as a moan, to a funny story to tell people -some of the Ranting and Raving forum tales are highly entertaining even though they are complaining about something. But beware of sounding sarcastic if you do use humour, that can add an angry vibe to a conversation. Would that work for you OP?

Other things maybe is that while you give one example of someone suggesting something, and you rejecting it, maybe this is a pattern they have noticed and thats why they might think that you like to complain but not improve on a situation.

None of these may apply - I'm really just throwing suggestions out there for you to consider.

MistyCheese

It can be difficult to change your mindset all right but you should really give yourself a pat on the back for trying. Lots of people never bother. So it's great that you have identified a part of yourself that you would like to improve and are actively attempting to achieve this. That's very postive right there!

Like has been said, the way to go about this is to just stick with it and it will eventually become automatic. It may take a while but don't give up and go back to your previous mindset, it's worth sticking with in the end if it's something you're unhappy about. Watch out for something that may happen, right after you notice a flaw - in your case being negative - you might catch yourself doing it before you've learned how not to do it. That can be uncomfortable. But you can turn that into a positive too; use it to spur yourself on and remind yourself of the type of thing you don't want to be doing anymore.

As for the receptionist, maybe she got the hump because she would regularly use the steamroom and took your remark personally? But sure you can't worry too much about things like that or you'd never talk to anyone!

LegacyUser

I think you shouldn't worry about it. We seem to live in a world where everyone has to fake some sort of 2-dimensional positive chit-chat in order to be accepted, even to people who are supposedly close to you. It was an American influence to the traditionally slightly moaning culture/tendencies that are common in Ireland and the UK that is really quite a recent phenomenon. I have a lot of friends and have no problems socially, but I consider myself to have a sarcastic sense of humour and a cynical attitude which I'm proud of. It doesn't mean I don't like things, I like loads of things, it just means that if I think somethings bul***t I'm not going to pretend its brilliant! People that know me understand me and those who don't drive me half-nuts anyway with their happy-clappy chit-chat. I much prefer to associate with people capable of honest, analytical conversation and critical thought, and if that means that they're a bit dry then bring it on! On the other side, in social situations I think it helps to do the following, in order that you're not perceived as moany or taken up the wrong way: ask people questions about themselves! Whether its a business colleague or a friend, always aim that at least 50% of the conversation should be about them, so ask them how their family are, remember details of your last conversation with them so you can show that you do listen, for example "how did you get on at that wedding?" and then, depending on their response, be positive "that's great", or "well done, fair play" or whatever. Compliment people, appropriately of course, and be thoughtful. If you do those things I don't see how anyone could accuse you of being negative. Sometimes things in the world around is are negative, and sometimes they are positive, to constantly pretend otherwise is borderline The Matrix. I'd start by being comfortable with who you are, not apologising for yourself because you sound fine to me, and the receptionist probably wasn't really listening anyway because you didn't say anything wrong, sometimes people aren't concentrating. She might have had Facebook open on her computer screen. Don't make the mistake of constantly second-guessing yourself and analysing every conversation to see if you said something stupid - be confident, and while it's good to establish areas of yourself that you want to improve its not good to see yourself in some kind of bad light. Good luck!!

Faith

It's more the way you phrase things, often. Say with the receptionist: I'm assuming your response was something along the lines of "No, I can't do that, I've already been twice today'. That's negative. You could say "That's a good idea. I've actually been twice today, but maybe I'll use the pool instead!".

I see it on this forum all the time. Posters offer dozens of useful suggestions, and the original poster just keeps saying "No, I can't do that...", "No, that won't work", "I've tried that and it's useless". It immediately makes people want to stop helping when their suggestions are just shot down.

I can be quite a negative person, but a few years ago, I really worked on improving that. I've learnt that you can say negative things as long as you pad them with positivity (and praise, if a person has tried to help with a suggestion). Eg. "Oh, I hate that summer is over. But I can't wait to put the fire on!", or "I've so much work to do. It's going to be so nice when this week is over!". That kind of thing.

Negativity is really just a habit, and one that you CAN break.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice!

bluewolf wrote: »

Make a conscious effort to say positive things, and it will start coming more naturally. e.g. "yes I do like going to the steam room, good idea. Been twice already though...!"

I did say pretty much that and she seemed to take it as me being really negative and dismissive. I was just making conversation really.

I DO second guess myself and analyse every conversation. People have been so harsh to me about being negative that I'm now a nervous wreck and it's as if I say the wrong thing because I'm trying so hard to come across well. There was a conversation about different areas of the city to live in going on in the staffroom yesterday and one area came up that I know well. I said it was pretty dodgy and I wouldn't live there if I could help it and one guy immediately said 'well I'm sure you see the worst in every place'. I thought this was really unfair as this area is a renowned dump and people are always getting stabbed/shot/attacked there. I just said 'well perhaps the guy I saw getting stabbed to death put me off a bit but each to their own' and walked out. I felt quite annoyed as this guy is very negative himself and I thought he was being really hypocritical but clearly people have this image of me that I constantly moan.

Diziet

Well. the words may not come naturally, but you can practice! You have complete control of everything you say, so consiously try to take a second and phrase things positively. So for the receptionist, you could smile and say 'good idea, thanks' and leave it at that. You will soon see a big difference in people's reactions and it will reinforce your good work.

sonegative

sonegative wrote: »

Thanks for the advice!

Good work

I did say pretty much that

Well no, there was a difference between that and simply "ah I probably shouldn't, I've been in there twice already...not sure it's healthy to spend so long in there!". One is an immediate shoot down, the other is thanking them for their good idea and saying you do indeed enjoy the steam room.
Get the difference?

Big Bag of Chips

The way I see it OP, judging by the way people react to you, (the fella saying you see the bad in everything as an example) is you now have a reputation of being negative. And unfortunately no matter what you say now, people think you are being negative!

A woman I used to work with said something one day that stuck with me. She said "Get a name as being an earlier riser, and you can stay in bed all day".

The fact that you get comments from lots of people about this, means that you now have a name as a moaner.. even when you're not!

It's not something that is going to change for you over night, but you do have to make more of an effort. Not just in what you say, but in the way you carry yourself.
Do you smile much? That might seem like a patronising question, but if you smile, people assume you're happy. If you slouch around, not making eye contact/taking an interest in others in general, people tend to form an opinion of you from that.

I do agree to a certain extent that you shouldn't feel the need to be "American Sitcom Chirpy" all the time... But if this is something that is genuinely bothering you, then there are subtle changes you can make to yourself that should help people change their perception of you.

Good luck.... And Smile

Are you thoughts negative as well? If it's affecting your life and you feel your negativity is compromising your ability to make friends or see the good things in situations, then consider going for CBT. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help people break the cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and maximise their chances of being happier and more positive and optimistic. It's also a proven therapy.

Either way, the good news is that you're aware of it and want to change. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The way I see it OP, judging by the way people react to you, (the fella saying you see the bad in everything as an example) is you now have a reputation of being negative. And unfortunately no matter what you say now, people think you are being negative!

A woman I used to work with said something one day that stuck with me. She said "Get a name as being an earlier riser, and you can stay in bed all day".

The fact that you get comments from lots of people about this, means that you now have a name as a moaner.. even when you're not!

It's not something that is going to change for you over night, but you do have to make more of an effort. Not just in what you say, but in the way you carry yourself.
Do you smile much? That might seem like a patronising question, but if you smile, people assume you're happy. If you slouch around, not making eye contact/taking an interest in others in general, people tend to form an opinion of you from that.

I do agree to a certain extent that you shouldn't feel the need to be "American Sitcom Chirpy" all the time... But if this is something that is genuinely bothering you, then there are subtle changes you can make to yourself that should help people change their perception of you.

Good luck.... And Smile

I do smile a lot, yes. I don't think I look miserable. I used to, but I made a conscious effort to smile and I don't think I have a miserable face now. It's weird because some people comment on how smiley and happy I am.

I just suppose I'm totally unaware of how I come across. A lot of the time when people complain about my negativity, whatever I'd just said had been intended to be funny/cynical, not mean or negative. Or like the steamroom example, just explaining why a suggestion wasn't gonna work for me. It was actually the second time she said it, the first time I said, 'I'd love to but I've been in twice' and then when she said it the second time it felt like she was being a bit bossy. But she obviously took exception to how I responded.

I think I've become more and more negative over the last year or so. I've had a fairly hard time - a few relatives died, a good friend died in awful circumstances, I had a lot of health problems myself and needed loads of tests and nerve-racking waits for results, so I suppose my life was quite 'grim' and subconsciously I've become a lot more serious and negative. I found I got little to no support from people during these times - people just don't want to know about your problems. Which I suppose is fine, but a lot has been bottled up. Things are going much better now but I still have a negative mindset.

I do also suffer from an anxiety disorder and all sorts of 'what if' catastrophes going on in my head. A lot of my 'negativity' I think is actually this. When someone suggests something, I tend to think 'Ah, I can't do that in case this happens'. But people don't understand the anxiety part and think I'm just being negative. I don't even think it's true 'negativity', like I would be someone who is quite ambitious and positive about the future and would actually be good at problem solving but my first instinct is to find the problems and hurdles with stuff.

I'm just fed up with myself.

LegacyUser

I get accused of being negative quite a lot. I haven't been dealt the best cards lately so it's been difficult to act differently. People get short with me too, sometimes I need to vent but my family friends won't let me because they say it's not helpful which I know deep down is true. Maybe you should act more positive, force yourself to say positive things. The truth is as we know people tend to be attracted to positive happy people. Even if you keep up a pretense of being pleased about life I'm sure it will be better for you in the long run.

LegacyUser

I think the way you phrase things may make people feel that you are shooting them down. You mentioned thst you thought a comment you made was funny/cynical - tbh I think comments that you feel are funny/cynical are just coming across as snarky. Maybe lay off that and see if you get a better reaction.

Lots of people have their own worries: health, parents, kids, financial. They may not always be in the best place themselves to give you the benefit of the doubt - and they may have tried before, only to get a reaction from you that they perceive as shooting them / their suggestion down. I'm not sure that you are seeing that.

I think the suggestion of CBT is well worth trying, because its obvious that you really need to break this cycle. I'm sorry to be harsh, but people just don't want to be around someone who they feel drags them down, and from what you've described, this is what seems to be happening to you.

LegacyUser

Work on the way you put things? wrote: »

I think the way you phrase things may make people feel that you are shooting them down. You mentioned thst you thought a comment you made was funny/cynical - tbh I think comments that you feel are funny/cynical are just coming across as snarky. Maybe lay off that and see if you get a better reaction.

Lots of people have their own worries: health, parents, kids, financial. They may not always be in the best place themselves to give you the benefit of the doubt - and they may have tried before, only to get a reaction from you that they perceive as shooting them / their suggestion down. I'm not sure that you are seeing that.

I think the suggestion of CBT is well worth trying, because its obvious that you really need to break this cycle. I'm sorry to be harsh, but people just don't want to be around someone who they feel drags them down, and from what you've described, this is what seems to be happening to you.

Thing is, as another poster says, a lot of this is just ME. It's my personality. I'm unsure about how far I should go with trying to change myself. I'm already feeling totally lost and flaky because of trying so hard all the time...in the past, I might have been very negative but a lot of people did like me anyway. Now I feel like I'm being fake all the time and trying to make people like me and I'm actually unhappier than ever. Totally paranoid about what people think of me and if I've just said something negative.

I also find other people a bit hypocritical...take the receptionist at the gym (I chat to her a lot and have been going to the gym for years). She's said a lot of really negative stuff, like that she doesn't like white English people (she's black), people who drink at all are knackery (she's teetotal). I respected her opinion and didn't get angry and shoot her down, yet when I said I didn't want to go to the steam room cos I'd already been, she got annoyed with me? I often feel as if other people are allowed to say negative stuff, sometimes quite serious/offensive stuff, but I'm not?

I do see what you mean about people having their own problems, but that's part of life, isn't it? I've had some awful times over the last year with bereavement, illness and financial problems, but I never told other people they weren't allowed to complain.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems you just know some really rude people. I've known negative people. I worked with 2 of the most miserable people I've ever met in my life... I never once said anything to them about them about being so negative all the time, nor did anyone else.

You have mentioned more than once that many people have commented to you... I think that's just rude, and also they see you as an easy target or a pushover who they can insult and you won't argue back.

Maybe rather than working on being less negative, you can work on being more confident in yourself. That way, you will be confident in your choices and decisions and what others think about you won't really matter all that much.....

.... And you won't be afraid to tell them that

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It seems you just know some really rude people. I've known negative people. I worked with 2 of the most miserable people I've ever met in my life... I never once said anything to them about them about being so negative all the time, nor did anyone else.

You have mentioned more than once that many people have commented to you... I think that's just rude, and also they see you as an easy target or a pushover who they can insult and you won't argue back.

Maybe rather than working on being less negative, you can work on being more confident in yourself. That way, you will be confident in your choices and decisions and what others think about you won't really matter all that much.....

.... And you won't be afraid to tell them that

Well this is the whole thing. I'm no longer sure if I'm being out of order or the other person is. I doubt myself so much as a result of the criticism that I've lost the ability to see things as they are. A few years ago, I would have probably just said 'God, that receptionist is a bit of a b*tch' based on her reaction to what I said (I get that I was a bit annoying but not sure it merited that much rudeness back), but now I just blame myself 100%. I always just assume that I'm the one in the wrong.

That said, I surely must have a problem for so many people over the years to have commented on it? As I said, I've tried to address the outright negativity/ranting, as it clearly comes across much more serious than it's intended to be, the problem now seems to be the unconscious dismissal of (usually unwanted) advice. Perhaps that also does come across as ruder than intended. But as you said, isn't commenting on it also rude?

Gah!

cloudatlas

Well do you have to give reasons as to why you don't want/like something. 'Not today, I don't feel like it'. is perfectly acceptable. Save the explanations for people who know you and keep other acquaintance interactions more breezy maybe. You should be more discriminating in your interactions with people, family, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues. Ask yourself what is professional? What's the bare minimum an acquaintance should know? What do my friends deam to be okay in my interactions with them?

LegacyUser

cloudatlas wrote: »

Well do you have to give reasons as to why you don't want/like something. 'Not today, I don't feel like it'. is perfectly acceptable. Save the explanations for people who know you and keep other acquaintance interactions more breezy maybe. You should be more discriminating in your interactions with people, family, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues. Ask yourself what is professional? What's the bare minimum an acquaintance should know? What do my friends deam to be okay in my interactions with them?

I guess I thought it was more polite to give a reason than not. I never really know how familiar to get with people. I've spent my entire life being told I'm too quiet, need to chat, need to talk more etc etc and now I'm doing that, it appears that I'm doing too much of it and saying the wrong thing to boot. Maybe I'll just go back to saying nothing. I remember being much happier when I did that.

LegacyUser

I'm not being smart, but can you not see how defeatist, negative, and a little passive aggressive the last two sentences of your post are OP? This is an example of what is offputting to people.

LegacyUser

Example right there wrote: »

I'm not being smart, but can you not see how defeatist, negative, and a little passive aggressive the last two sentences of your post are OP? This is an example of what is offputting to people.

Oh, I know. I'd never actually say that to anyone. It's just how I feel. Like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. People seemed to think me rude when I kept quiet (for fear of offending and just not knowing what to say) and now I've started talking, I seem to pee people off even more.

ivytwine

Hey op,

I actually have a fair bit of sympathy for you. I've a friend where moaning has to be a competition. I try and look at the bright side if things but if ever I'd say something like "oh I'm tired, wrecked after work," I'd get back "well you should try MY job, I've been up since 6, it's so hard, etc etc".

Yeah it's really annoying that feeling you can't complain and others can. And for what it's worth being a cynic isn't all bad. I doubt I'll ever get recruited into a cult or fall for a scam!

I wonder have you considered the people around you? Misery loves company and the fact that they weren't there for you during difficult times. Maybe they're just not very nice people? Maybe they're projecting their negativity onto you? Maybe their negativity us reinforcing yours?

The easiest way to be positive is to be happy yourself. So you've a long road of finding out how to change your life and make it better.

As for the receptionist I'd take no notice. Don't care if you're there morning, noon and night, you're still a customer and calling you negative is majorly unprofessional. As for the racist remarks...!

Faith

One thing I've been thinking of, is you could ask someone you trust to read through your posts on boards (assuming you have an account) and they can impartially assess the posts and see whether they're actually negative or whether people have just assigned the mantle of "negative" to you unfairly.

You might get a better understanding of things then.

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

Hey op,

I actually have a fair bit of sympathy for you. I've a friend where moaning has to be a competition. I try and look at the bright side if things but if ever I'd say something like "oh I'm tired, wrecked after work," I'd get back "well you should try MY job, I've been up since 6, it's so hard, etc etc".

Yeah it's really annoying that feeling you can't complain and others can. And for what it's worth being a cynic isn't all bad. I doubt I'll ever get recruited into a cult or fall for a scam!

I wonder have you considered the people around you? Misery loves company and the fact that they weren't there for you during difficult times. Maybe they're just not very nice people? Maybe they're projecting their negativity onto you? Maybe their negativity us reinforcing yours?

The easiest way to be positive is to be happy yourself. So you've a long road of finding out how to change your life and make it better.

As for the receptionist I'd take no notice. Don't care if you're there morning, noon and night, you're still a customer and calling you negative is majorly unprofessional. As for the racist remarks...!

I have very few real friends here - most of the people I know are just acquaintances/colleagues. A lot of my friends have moved on, to jobs abroad, or had babies so they're always busy with family stuff now.

I do agree with the idea that their negativity is reinforcing mine. I hardly ever seem to moan when I'm around happy, positive people. When people are moaning, I join in and then said people complain that I'm the negative one! So I'm trying hard not to join in now and just to ignore it or change the topic.

The receptionist - she didn't call me negative. She said 'OK' and looked at her screen and ignored me when I said why I didn't want to do the steam room.

dellas1979

Each and every person on this planet has a filter to their ears. It means, when a person says something, they cannot control what the other person hears. Each of us have had different experiences in life and gained knowledge which makes us judge what we hear.

You are trying to control what people are hearing, almost trying to be pleasing, and that is impossible to control, tiring, no-exhausting, doubtful and you actually loose a sense of yourself. There are a few billion people on the planet m'dear....are you going to try please us all? You are trying to "be" or exist for others, rather than being for yourself.

If you were more confident in yourself, you wouldnt care what other people hear and think of you. Its almost like now you are not sure who you are.

If you want to be more positive, for yourself, do it for yourself.

If you want to be negative, be negative.

If you want to find a balance, i.e., there will always be a negative to a positive and vice versa, but you feel negative is winning, you need to change your mind set/your filter.

December2012

My in laws are lovely people but they speak very negatively and it makes me not want to be around them for long periods of time.

My other half has the same tendencies and us working on it because he feels his folks are draining and doesn't want to be like that. Like you, he thought it was normal until he discovered otherwise.

Forget about work colleagues and gun receptionists for now. People in your personal life who actually know you have said it, so it's likely that it is true.

Would you be willing to ask them for help? Would you ask your boyfriend to suggest a non negative way of saying something so that you can get real life examples?

Still be you. Still have your thoughts and your opinions, still express them.

But in a less negative way.

Work on your personal life ones first.

CBT can also help. But so can basic manners, eg "thanks, that's a good idea, maybe next time"

LegacyUser

sonegative wrote: »

The receptionist - she didn't call me negative. She said 'OK' and looked at her screen and ignored me when I said why I didn't want to do the steam room.

That is a perfectly normal thing for the receptionist to do, I don't understand your issue with her. The conversation was finished, so she returned to work - after she made a helpful suggestion which you were dismissive of. What did you expect her to do? Your dismissiveness effectively shut down the conversation.

It is starting to sound like you are extremely sensitive when it comes to what people say to you, but are not at all sensitive towards others/how was your say, or your tone, makes them feel.

LegacyUser

Over sensitive of you wrote: »

That is a perfectly normal thing for the receptionist to do, I don't understand your issue with her. The conversation was finished, so she returned to work - after she made a helpful suggestion which you were dismissive of. What did you expect her to do? Your dismissiveness effectively shut down the conversation.

It is starting to sound like you are extremely sensitive when it comes to what people say to you, but are not at all sensitive towards others/how was your say, or your tone, makes them feel.

I wasn't angry about that. As I said originally, I felt bad when I later realised I had been dismissive. It really wasn't intended to be. It was meant to be more 'been twice already...I spend so much time here!' kind of thing. I had already told her earlier that I'd been twice and I wasn't really expecting her to say it again... I was intending to move on to another topic but then she decided the conversation was over.

No, I'm not very good at saying things in the correct tone. I do have mild Aspergers and so I find it hard to phrase things as well as other people might. I work really, really hard to make small talk at all and hate that my attempts to have a friendly conversation seem to be received so badly. The thing is that you're wrong about me not being sensitive towards other people, in fact I worry about it to the point of obsessing. Everything I say is scrutinised later, I worry about people having taken it the wrong way, not liking me anymore etc.

leahwechat

There is a way to control your mood. You'd better have a deep breathing before anger.

LegacyUser

You just totally ignore people here trying to get through to you/help you! The only reaction out of you is your obsession with the darn receptionist, who will not remember that conversation with you. Keep obsessing away there. And posting about some random receptionist's reaction to you. And do nothing about it.

Mild aspergers? I am a regular poster here. But I dont wish to divulge my personal information.

I have mild aspergers too. People with aspergers, mild or not, are fully capable of interacting with people. You know why? Because you are fully capable or learning how to interact and/or copy people's behaviour. Or behaviour that is considered the social norm.

Ill give you an example of my behaviour...someone once said to me "Oh you look fab! I love the dress you are wearing". Generally speaking, I dont understand this. I still dont. I dont understand why another person would compliment another person. I just dont. It doesnt bring any feeling/emotion to me that a person would say that I look lovely. I stared blankely at that person. I didnt know what to say. I didnt really care. It didnt even register with me what that person was wearing. Until the person snapped back at me "I was paying you a compliment, you could say thanks." Queue me having a mild panic attack and over thinking I did something wrong. After that, I realised even if I didnt understand the sentiment or emotion, I could copy it.

Next time someone paid me a compliment, I smiled and said thank you. I didnt feel it, but I copied it. Now, I also pay people compliments. I dont feel it, but its what people do. "Oh love your handbag....where did you get it." I couldnt give a fig, but its how people interact.

They are small examples.

Essentially, youve got to play the game and learn how to play it. And you are well capable of doing it. Ill always be known as a bit kookie and awkward (cause of my reactions), but I give myself time and space if I really feel I cant cope with another person. Or if I dont know what to say (or how to take the feeling/emotion of another person), I just smile. Thats how people read other people (body language/tone/facial expressions). You (and I) dont have that ability.

It doesnt mean you cant be good, on some level, with people. But you have to stop worrying and over analysing what people think of you. And being hyper-aware of everything and everyone (another symptom).

Ive also found that I am rather excellent around children. More so than adults. Because children always "just tell you", and there is no sub-text/between the lines, or confusion. It calms me. And I feel I can be more myself around them because I "just tell" them too.

LegacyUser

amthesametoo wrote: »

You just totally ignore people here trying to get through to you/help you! The only reaction out of you is your obsession with the darn receptionist, who will not remember that conversation with you. Keep obsessing away there. And posting about some random receptionist's reaction to you. And do nothing about it.

I think that's really rude of you, in fairness. I've acknowledged the posts and said I am trying really hard.

Mild aspergers? I am a regular poster here. But I dont wish to divulge my personal information.

I have mild aspergers too. People with aspergers, mild or not, are fully capable of interacting with people. You know why? Because you are fully capable or learning how to interact and/or copy people's behaviour. Or behaviour that is considered the social norm.

Yes, I know that. I've been trying really hard to do that for the last 15+ years.

Ill give you an example of my behaviour...someone once said to me "Oh you look fab! I love the dress you are wearing". Generally speaking, I dont understand this. I still dont. I dont understand why another person would compliment another person. I just dont. It doesnt bring any feeling/emotion to me that a person would say that I look lovely. I stared blankely at that person. I didnt know what to say. I didnt really care. It didnt even register with me what that person was wearing. Until the person snapped back at me "I was paying you a compliment, you could say thanks." Queue me having a mild panic attack and over thinking I did something wrong. After that, I realised even if I didnt understand the sentiment or emotion, I could copy it.

Next time someone paid me a compliment, I smiled and said thank you. I didnt feel it, but I copied it. Now, I also pay people compliments. I dont feel it, but its what people do. "Oh love your handbag....where did you get it." I couldnt give a fig, but its how people interact.

They are small examples.

I often give and receive compliments and so on. I've never experienced what you have - I've always 'felt' compliments and given them sincerely. Most people wouldn't have a clue that I'm anywhere on the autistic spectrum, but that leaves me in an awkward place where people think I'm 'normal' but just really negative/rude.

Essentially, youve got to play the game and learn how to play it. And you are well capable of doing it. Ill always be known as a bit kookie and awkward (cause of my reactions), but I give myself time and space if I really feel I cant cope with another person. Or if I dont know what to say (or how to take the feeling/emotion of another person), I just smile. Thats how people read other people (body language/tone/facial expressions). You (and I) dont have that ability.

It doesnt mean you cant be good, on some level, with people. But you have to stop worrying and over analysing what people think of you. And being hyper-aware of everything and everyone (another symptom).

I know. I know all this in theory. Hard to put into practice. Especially when you're CONSTANTLY criticised. When you make what you think is an innocent comment and someone snaps back with something like 'God, you're always so negative', how can you not over-analyse everything you say?

Look at the advice here. It's very contradictory (I'm not complaining, I appreciate it all). Some people are saying 'be yourself, stop worrying what other people think'. Others are saying 'think carefully before you speak'. I generally do (or try to do) the second and end up coming across as doing the first. I'm really trying to find the right way.

LegacyUser

OP, in your response to 'amthesametoo' you are doing the exact same thing that you have issues with other people about: you are reacting badly and criticising what the person believed to be a genuine comment and wish to engage.

You say throughout your posts that others constantly do this to you - and yet you are doing the same thing, when someone is trying to help you.

I think you are going around in circles. You have issues with how people respond to you; but yet you behave in the exact same way to others. I think you need to stop talking about it and get the help you need, counselling, CBT, whatever. Otherwise nothing will change for you. For the record, I think you'll find most posts seem to find that you are being quite negative in your dealings with people, and constantly contradicting that and trying to repeatedly justify yourself isn't going to change anything for you. You need to stop talking about how upset/aggrieved you feel, and do something about how your interactions with others evidently leave both them and you unhappy.

listen_lady

You could try waiting two or three seconds before you respond to a statement.

I know it sounds silly but it can help curb unfortunate outbursts.

LegacyUser

I dont care if you think am being rude. I know my intentions were to help you.

And if you are able to interact with people on that level, feel the conversation, you are miles better than me. You are coming across as so self absorbed. Another common mis-interpretation. But can you see why people think this? Total disconnection. You are just that bit harder to get through to, because you'll come at things from a completely different angle. And it does cause frustration amongst your peers.

I function daily like any adult. I have a uni education. I have a good job. I enjoy travelling. I do enjoy socialising, when I am comfortable. I dont go around advertising my problems. Some people spot it, some dont. Some people just think am quirky. If I need time on my own (and I do enjoy my own company) I give myself that space. I frankly dont care anymore what people think of me. The stress of that was too great. What I think of myself is more important. And I struggle that bit more everyday, on things that people take for granted, and am proud of myself.

Another difference, prehaps, I didnt whinge about it, but I recognised when I needed help, and listened to myself and the people around me who found me lovely, yet difficult, and sought help.

ivytwine

Over sensitive of you wrote: »

It is starting to sound like you are extremely sensitive when it comes to what people say to you

This, I think, is the crux of it.

From your OP it sounded like the receptionist was openly rude, but perhaps on reflection she wasn't. Maybe she actually didn't care whether you used the steam room or not? On your longer elaboration of that incident it does seem less like it was a personal reflection on you.

It seems to me that you have very low self-esteem, perhaps leading back to the negative parents that were mentioned earlier. I think this is it. If you were more sure of who you were as a person and what you stood for and believed in, you wouldn't take these comments so much to heart.

Again, I know it's hard to make new friends, especially somewhere like England, where people aren't the chattiest to strangers (although they're not as reserved as the stereotype makes them out to be) but it's important to try. There has to be something you're interested in? While we're on the gym, how about joining a sports team? Or take up a class, learn a language, a craft, anything?

Cliche, cliche, cliche, I know. But I found that once I found something I loved to do, everything else seemed less negative. I know your friends are scattered everywhere, same as me, and most people I know. I was thinking the other day, I'm thinking of emigrating in Feb and my going away party will be tiny, everyone's already gone. So you're not alone, but you can always meet new people x

LegacyUser

listen_lady wrote: »

You could try waiting two or three seconds before you respond to a statement.

I know it sounds silly but it can help curb unfortunate outbursts.

Yes, that is good advice I think. A lot of what I say is based on anxiety and pressure so I think waiting a few seconds may help.

LegacyUser

amthesametoo wrote: »

I dont care if you think am being rude. I know my intentions were to help you.

But it's OK if you're rude? But not if I am?

And if you are able to interact with people on that level, feel the conversation, you are miles better than me. You are coming across as so self absorbed. Another common mis-interpretation. But can you see why people think this? Total disconnection. You are just that bit harder to get through to, because you'll come at things from a completely different angle. And it does cause frustration amongst your peers.

I already know this. I'm trying to fix it. I'm coming across as self-absorbed because I've received so much criticism and abuse for being 'me' that I now overanalyse every last conversation and every last gesture and tear myself apart for saying the wrong thing or offending someone, whether or not I actually have. There are plenty of people I feel comfortable with and I don't seem to say the 'wrong' thing to. It seems that I have the trouble with people I have little in common with, or who are a bit unfriendly themselves. My partner can easily win such people over with his charm, but I seem to alienate them further through not knowing what to say and then coming across as negative. I think the root of the matter is that I'm probably trying too hard.

I function daily like any adult. I have a uni education. I have a good job. I enjoy travelling. I do enjoy socialising, when I am comfortable. I dont go around advertising my problems. Some people spot it, some dont. Some people just think am quirky. If I need time on my own (and I do enjoy my own company) I give myself that space. I frankly dont care anymore what people think of me. The stress of that was too great. What I think of myself is more important. And I struggle that bit more everyday, on things that people take for granted, and am proud of myself.

Another difference, prehaps, I didnt whinge about it, but I recognised when I needed help, and listened to myself and the people around me who found me lovely, yet difficult, and sought help.

You're telling me I'm self-absorbed, but this is very much coming across as 'I had a similar problem but managed to surmount it, because I'm a much better person than you.'

I wouldn't be posting here if I didn't want to change. Good for you that you've managed to get over your problem, but we're not the same person despite having one thing in common (Aspergers) and we haven't had the same life experiences. I grew up in a very, very toxic household with lots of physical and emotional abuse, parents who were constantly splitting up and getting back together, moving every 2-3 years and having to fit into a different school (sometimes different country). The Aspergers was just the cherry on top of the cake as it made all the moving, uncertainty and disruption even harder. Being pessimistic and cynical was my way of getting through it.

I could just give myself a big pat on the back for not ending up on drugs/in prison like my sibling and having managed a degree, to find a decent job and a lovely partner, but I know myself that my negativity/attitude is still a big problem. My life is a million times better now but the negativity has stuck around and I know I need to fix it. Now is the time that I have recognised that I need help and I want to start working on it.

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

This, I think, is the crux of it.

From your OP it sounded like the receptionist was openly rude, but perhaps on reflection she wasn't. Maybe she actually didn't care whether you used the steam room or not? On your longer elaboration of that incident it does seem less like it was a personal reflection on you.

It seems to me that you have very low self-esteem, perhaps leading back to the negative parents that were mentioned earlier. I think this is it. If you were more sure of who you were as a person and what you stood for and believed in, you wouldn't take these comments so much to heart.

Again, I know it's hard to make new friends, especially somewhere like England, where people aren't the chattiest to strangers (although they're not as reserved as the stereotype makes them out to be) but it's important to try. There has to be something you're interested in? While we're on the gym, how about joining a sports team? Or take up a class, learn a language, a craft, anything?

Cliche, cliche, cliche, I know. But I found that once I found something I loved to do, everything else seemed less negative. I know your friends are scattered everywhere, same as me, and most people I know. I was thinking the other day, I'm thinking of emigrating in Feb and my going away party will be tiny, everyone's already gone. So you're not alone, but you can always meet new people x

A lot of people think the receptionist is a cow, so my initial response was 'wow, they're right, she is actually a cow', but I'm sure I did play a part in it too. Perhaps a politer person would have reacted differently but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a point, maybe? As I said earlier, this is something I struggle with and perhaps my BIGGEST problem - when someone is 'rude' to me, is it their problem or mine? I'm never sure. My partner is confident in himself, so if someone is 'off' with him, he just says 'God, that bartender (or whatever) is a d1ck', whereas I question myself and wonder whether I did something to merit such a frosty response.

I am doing a language class and I do an exercise class as well. I actually have lots of 'friends' (but none have developed into close friends yet). Despite how I might come across, I'd actually be considered quite a popular person. I have no shortage of invites to things and a lot of people generally seem pleased to see me/happy to hang out with me. It's certainly not the case that everyone finds me a 'drain'. I imagine that those who like me find my positive qualities outshine the negativity, but I still have enough issues with people to want to do something about it.

Chara1001

Op, you have three pages of advice here already.

You're repeating over and over that you want to do something about your issues, but ignoring most of the advice you're being given, or arguing the other posters down. What is it you want to hear?

I've read through the entire thread, and i'm really really not intending to be rude so please don't take offense. Look at it as constructive criticism, its something you're concerned about, but not taking the suggestions so personally would be a positive idea, people really are trying to help you here. If you really want help, you have to accept you mightn't like everything you hear.

Your posts are quite defensive and give the impression that you're extremely sensitive to what people say as well as slightly aggressive in your responses. And you don't apply the same sensitivity to the other posters that you require for yourself.

I've read all your posts, and it appears that you've accomplished a lot, i'm sure you've plenty of friends and are popular. It sounds like you've done very well. But you say you're at a loss and can't find the balance- seriously take some of the advice offered on board. Try CBT, for example, surely its worth a go?

Good luck

Neyite

amthesametoo, your last unapproved post will remain unapproved. It falls short of the standard expected in PI, especially with regard to being civil and constructive. But since, as you say, you are a regular poster on PI, you will be very familiar with our charter and know this already.

LegacyUser

Chara1001 wrote: »

Op, you have three pages of advice here already.

You're repeating over and over that you want to do something about your issues, but ignoring most of the advice you're being given, or arguing the other posters down. What is it you want to hear?

I've read through the entire thread, and i'm really really not intending to be rude so please don't take offense. Look at it as constructive criticism, its something you're concerned about, but not taking the suggestions so personally would be a positive idea, people really are trying to help you here. If you really want help, you have to accept you mightn't like everything you hear.

Your posts are quite defensive and give the impression that you're extremely sensitive to what people say as well as slightly aggressive in your responses. And you don't apply the same sensitivity to the other posters that you require for yourself.

I've read all your posts, and it appears that you've accomplished a lot, i'm sure you've plenty of friends and are popular. It sounds like you've done very well. But you say you're at a loss and can't find the balance- seriously take some of the advice offered on board. Try CBT, for example, surely its worth a go?

Good luck

Hi Chara

I really don't see how I'm doing that. I've taken on board all the advice I've gotten so far. I'm just giving further information and clarifying things and welcome further advice. I see that I was defensive to 'amthesametoo' but to me a lot of their second post came across as 'look how much better I am than you' and not very constructive which just makes me feel even worse. I know part of asking for advice is not liking everything I hear but am I not entitled to give my points as well?

As for CBT, I did try it once and it really didn't work for me at all. But I would be willing to give it another go. I am actually on a waiting list for it but it could be months before I get an appointment. I am definitely open to giving it another go, though.

LegacyUser

I think you are behaving quite badly in your replies OP. people are just trying to offer some help.

You say that you are upset when people call you negative, and that you feel you are just making conversation - but you are calling people rude just because they disagree with your view that you are blameless and put upon. YOU are behaving in EXACTLY the way you describe being upset by other people treating you. Can't you see this?

You are just going around in circles. The longer this thread has gone on, the more I think the issue is that you are hugely overreacting to things people say to you, here and in real life, and are so caught up in this that you become incredibly defensive and lose sight of how you treat others. You say that you over analyse what you say to others, but it's not coming across that way in this thread - the defensiveness and unfounded accusations of rudeness just go on and on and on.

You need to stop talking about your communication issues and DO something about it, for your own sake.

ivytwine

sonegative wrote: »

A lot of people think the receptionist is a cow, so my initial response was 'wow, they're right, she is actually a cow', but I'm sure I did play a part in it too. Perhaps a politer person would have reacted differently but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a point, maybe? As I said earlier, this is something I struggle with and perhaps my BIGGEST problem - when someone is 'rude' to me, is it their problem or mine? I'm never sure. My partner is confident in himself, so if someone is 'off' with him, he just says 'God, that bartender (or whatever) is a d1ck', whereas I question myself and wonder whether I did something to merit such a frosty response.

I am doing a language class and I do an exercise class as well. I actually have lots of 'friends' (but none have developed into close friends yet). Despite how I might come across, I'd actually be considered quite a popular person. I have no shortage of invites to things and a lot of people generally seem pleased to see me/happy to hang out with me. It's certainly not the case that everyone finds me a 'drain'. I imagine that those who like me find my positive qualities outshine the negativity, but I still have enough issues with people to want to do something about it.

OP, please read back over what you have posted here. Do you not see how this can all be construed as negative. You are positively snappy with people who are taking time out of their day to help you.

I'm only speaking for myself here, but the reason I come on this forum is because I've gotten great advice here in the past, and I like to help people in whatever way I can. I generally only reply to posts that linger in my mind and I think I can be of some help.

We can only go on what's posted in the OP. In your OP, the receptionist issue was made highly important and in a later post you mentioned how hard it was to make real friends where you are. So how are posters supposed to know that you do have friends and are doing classes, and have tried CBT?

Or that the receptionist issue was minor and more a case of a bored minimum wage employee being less than friendly?

What I'm driving at is that people can only go by the surface, what they see. And it's not negativity I'm getting off your posts, but sheer anger and frustration. Angry people are not attractive to be around.

Again, as I said earlier I think this comes down to not believing in yourself in a person. You are so concerned about what people think of you that when they react in less than pleasant ways (because some people are rude) that you become resentful and angry and that comes across in your dealings with people, and the cycle continues.

I know it sounds bull****ty and self-helpy, but one thing is to focus on the positives your life. Challenge the negative thoughts in your head.

Positives: You are getting up and doing classes, you have a partner (more than I have ) presume you have a job and a good life in the UK.

So in fairness, what does it matter what a couple of naysayers think?

You need to get to that sphere of thought where the opinions of others matter, but not to the extent where they puncture your view of who you are.

Chara1001

Sorry OP,

But you're absolutely unwilling to listen to what you don't want to hear, so I don't think there's any point in elaborating further.

Good luck

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

OP, please read back over what you have posted here. Do you not see how this can all be construed as negative. You are positively snappy with people who are taking time out of their day to help you.

I'm only speaking for myself here, but the reason I come on this forum is because I've gotten great advice here in the past, and I like to help people in whatever way I can. I generally only reply to posts that linger in my mind and I think I can be of some help.

We can only go on what's posted in the OP. In your OP, the receptionist issue was made highly important and in a later post you mentioned how hard it was to make real friends where you are. So how are posters supposed to know that you do have friends and are doing classes, and have tried CBT?

Or that the receptionist issue was minor and more a case of a bored minimum wage employee being less than friendly?

What I'm driving at is that people can only go by the surface, what they see. And it's not negativity I'm getting off your posts, but sheer anger and frustration. Angry people are not attractive to be around.

Again, as I said earlier I think this comes down to not believing in yourself in a person. You are so concerned about what people think of you that when they react in less than pleasant ways (because some people are rude) that you become resentful and angry and that comes across in your dealings with people, and the cycle continues.

I know it sounds bull****ty and self-helpy, but one thing is to focus on the positives your life. Challenge the negative thoughts in your head.

Positives: You are getting up and doing classes, you have a partner (more than I have ) presume you have a job and a good life in the UK.

So in fairness, what does it matter what a couple of naysayers think?

You need to get to that sphere of thought where the opinions of others matter, but not to the extent where they puncture your view of who you are.

No. I genuinely don't see it. I've asked my partner to read over the post you quoted (he was the one who encouraged me to post here as he's a Boardsie) and he can't see it either. He says it reads really hesitant and unsure of myself but not rude and most definitely not snappy. So we're both confused now. I guess he does actually know me so he's reading it in my 'voice' with my mannerisms etc? It's interesting to hear that you're getting 'angry' from my posts and I will take that on board...

The receptionist issue is important because this is someone I did consider myself quite friendly with and someone I thought I could have good banter with so it upset me quite a bit when she was short with me (moreso than some of my colleagues who I don't get on with anyway). So I'm 'obsessing' (if you like) about whether she's just a cow, whether I was rude or both.

I DON'T have many 'real' friends where I am but that's not something I'm particularly worried about. I just gave more details about the friend situation because it may have come across in the OP that I was really unpopular and that's not really the case. I surely can't be THAT repellent because I do get invited to things! It would be nice to have closer friends but the locals here, while generally sound, are notoriously flaky and everyone is very busy (my boyfriend has no close friends either and he's the most outgoing guy ever), so I don't mind just having casual friends/acquaintances. I just want them to like me and not to offend them all the time! Myself and the partner had one fairly good friend who has basically ditched us and of course I'm wondering if it was something I said or did.

I totally agree with what you said at the end and that's my biggest problem. Learning to stop doubting myself and go with my gut feeling (which has been totally wiped out) as to whether people are just naysayers/rude/mean or whether I'm the one with the problem. And as you said, learning to take people's comments on board without them totally crushing me and puncturing my view of who I am.

LegacyUser

Do something about it wrote: »

I think you are behaving quite badly in your replies OP. people are just trying to offer some help.

You say that you are upset when people call you negative, and that you feel you are just making conversation - but you are calling people rude just because they disagree with your view that you are blameless and put upon. YOU are behaving in EXACTLY the way you describe being upset by other people treating you. Can't you see this?

You are just going around in circles. The longer this thread has gone on, the more I think the issue is that you are hugely overreacting to things people say to you, here and in real life, and are so caught up in this that you become incredibly defensive and lose sight of how you treat others. You say that you over analyse what you say to others, but it's not coming across that way in this thread - the defensiveness and unfounded accusations of rudeness just go on and on and on.

You need to stop talking about your communication issues and DO something about it, for your own sake.

But in fairness, that poster's follow up post was disallowed by the moderator, so I don't think it was in my head that the post before that was somewhat rude and unconstructive? I never said any of the other replies were rude or mean. I have taken them all on board. Where are these unfounded accusations of rudeness? I told one poster I found that one line of their post rude, because I genuinely thought it was. I have repeatedly thanked posters and said I am taking it all in.

I am trying to do something about it. I've had this issue all my life. I made this post a few days ago. I'm still trying to get everything straight in my head and take on all the advice. I count posting here and actively trying to change after years of negative thought patterns 'doing something about it'. It's not as if I made this post six months ago and am still going around in circles.

LegacyUser

I've read the whole thread a few times, and the receptionist was not short or rude to you - you were rude and dismissive to her.

This pretty much sums up the whole thread to me: you are a bit rude / dismissive to people, and when they shut down in response, you go way OTT imagining that you are the victim. From everything I've read in this thread, you are not the victim, far from it - but you just refuse to listen to any point of view that doesn't support you being a victim.

Good luck OP, there's no point in posting until you are willing to listen. I'm out.

ivytwine

sonegative wrote: »

No. I genuinely don't see it. I've asked my partner to read over the post you quoted (he was the one who encouraged me to post here as he's a Boardsie) and he can't see it either. He says it reads really hesitant and unsure of myself but not rude and most definitely not snappy. So we're both confused now. I guess he does actually know me so he's reading it in my 'voice' with my mannerisms etc? It's interesting to hear that you're getting 'angry' from my posts and I will take that on board...

The receptionist issue is important because this is someone I did consider myself quite friendly with and someone I thought I could have good banter with so it upset me quite a bit when she was short with me (moreso than some of my colleagues who I don't get on with anyway). So I'm 'obsessing' (if you like) about whether she's just a cow, whether I was rude or both.

I DON'T have many 'real' friends where I am but that's not something I'm particularly worried about. I just gave more details about the friend situation because it may have come across in the OP that I was really unpopular and that's not really the case. I surely can't be THAT repellent because I do get invited to things! It would be nice to have closer friends but the locals here, while generally sound, are notoriously flaky and everyone is very busy (my boyfriend has no close friends either and he's the most outgoing guy ever), so I don't mind just having casual friends/acquaintances. I just want them to like me and not to offend them all the time! Myself and the partner had one fairly good friend who has basically ditched us and of course I'm wondering if it was something I said or did.

I totally agree with what you said at the end and that's my biggest problem. Learning to stop doubting myself and go with my gut feeling (which has been totally wiped out) as to whether people are just naysayers/rude/mean or whether I'm the one with the problem. And as you said, learning to take people's comments on board without them totally crushing me and puncturing my view of who I am.

Can't argue with that I must say, because as you say your boyfriend would know how you come across and your personality. It's very hard to convey a sense of self over a board like this.

I've a friend whose texts come across as so abrupt and dismissive (way worse than anything you've written here) and when I first met her I was a bit like, whoa, that text is rude. However, it's just how she expresses herself and that medium does not suit her, she's much more a face to face type of person.

Not to dwell on the receptionist again but I really do think it wasn't about you. Perhaps she just had something going on with work and couldn't think of a reply. Maybe she was just in bad form. I remember a couple of years ago my mother went to a local festival and she would have known one of the men at the gates fairly well, probably the same kind of relationship you have with the receptionist. He snapped at her and accused her of trying to sneak in without a ticket (which is something my mother would not do). She was quite hurt and annoyed. Later it turned out the man was seriously ill and probably shouldn't have been there at all that day, he ended up passing away a couple of weeks later. Probably nothing as dramatic as that with your receptionist, but what you must remember is that people largely focus on themselves and their own problems. Maybe just before you came in her boss had taken out his mood on her. Maybe the manager had missed his bus or his car wouldn't start, and it filtered down until it was taken out on you. Unfortunately we are pretty unimportant to most of the people we meet in our day to day business.

Again, there's another positive. You're getting invites to things- that's great. And with the locals being flaky (I'm half English so pretty familiar with the way things operate over there, you do have to put in a fair bit of work to gain their trust) it's clearly less about you and more about them.

Hopefully this has helped you and given some food for thought. The best of luck OP

Please just listen

Please just listen wrote: »

I've read the whole thread a few times, and the receptionist was not short or rude to you - you were rude and dismissive to her.

This pretty much sums up the whole thread to me: you are a bit rude / dismissive to people, and when they shut down in response, you go way OTT imagining that you are the victim. From everything I've read in this thread, you are not the victim, far from it - but you just refuse to listen to any point of view that doesn't support you being a victim.

Good luck OP, there's no point in posting until you are willing to listen. I'm out.

How on earth did you get that? She has said time and time and time again that she feels really bad about it and it was probably her fault despite the fact that the receptionist has a reputation for being a cow and has said, presumably to a white person, that she doesn't like white people. OP said she tears herself apart and goes over the whole thing in her head after such interactions, no longer has any idea of who is 'wrong' in situations (but generally assumes it's her) and you think she has a victim complex and believes she's never in the wrong?

I do wonder sometimes if I'm reading a different thread to other people.

LegacyUser

Please just listen wrote: »

I've read the whole thread a few times, and the receptionist was not short or rude to you - you were rude and dismissive to her.

This pretty much sums up the whole thread to me: you are a bit rude / dismissive to people, and when they shut down in response, you go way OTT imagining that you are the victim. From everything I've read in this thread, you are not the victim, far from it - but you just refuse to listen to any point of view that doesn't support you being a victim.

Good luck OP, there's no point in posting until you are willing to listen. I'm out.

I don't know how you can say I think I am the victim. It's the opposite - I always think I am the one to blame and I need to STOP doing that! Perhaps you have misunderstood what I said, but I said that because my self esteem is so low and people have criticised me for so long, I now just automatically blame myself. I need to figure out when I have the problem and when the other person does, which is VERY difficult for me.

For example - today I went to buy some clothes and the shop assistant was very short with me and quite rude. Ordinarily I would have immediately felt bad and assumed I'd somehow been rude to her first but thinking of this thread, I tried not to take it personally and thanked her for her help...I paid attention when she was with another customer and she was quite rude to them too....so basically she was a rude person/having a bad day and it had nothing to do with me or the way I had acted towards her. Normally I'd beat myself up about this all day and go over and over it in my head, thinking I should have used a different tone or smiled more or something.