Ex wants to change kids names

horseone

Hi,

title pretty much says it all but here's a little context. 2 kids, 5 & 7. We separated almost 3 yrs back, divorce proceedings expected to conclude this year.

Separation was as acrimonious as can be imagined, I spent the bones of 2 years in Family courts with my ex. Fortunately dealings have settled down quite a bit in the last 12 months. The children reside with their mother. I get weekly access, decent holiday access and defined access around XMAS/Easter. Hard fought for but all so well worth it.

She was renewing their passports today and rang me "by the way" wanting to hyphenate/dbl-barrel the kids names, a combination of her maiden name and their current surname (i.e. my surname).

I said absolutely no way.......(in any case I suspect it's a more complex than just putting a different name on a passport renewal)

I'm concerned it will mess them up totally without valid reason, particularly at school where less noteworthy details have often attracted comment/ridicule from other kids.

They are fully aware of their family lines at both sides, albeit far closer to her side since they see them more frequently.

They are both well settled and have coped admirably with the separation. Why go changing that now to pander to their mothers ego?

I simply want them to keep the names they were born and christened with.

Incidentally I have 2 sets of flights booked for later in the year at considerable expense.....RYANAIR don't change names that easily!!

Opinions pls?

PS - Incidentally both surnames have the same starting letter.....together they sound utterly ridiculous!!

PucaMama

horseone wrote: »

Hi,

title pretty much says it all but here's a little context. 2 kids, 5 & 7. We separated almost 3 yrs back, divorce proceedings expected to conclude this year.

Separation was as acrimonious as can be imagined, I spent the bones of 2 years in Family courts with my ex. Fortunately dealings have settled down quite a bit in the last 12 months. The children reside with their mother. I get weekly access, decent holiday access and defined access around XMAS/Easter. Hard fought for but all so well worth it.

She was renewing their passports today and rang me "by the way" wanting to hyphenate/dbl-barrel the kids names, a combination of her maiden name and their current surname (i.e. my surname).

I said absolutely no way.......(in any case I suspect it's a more complex than just putting a different name on a passport renewal)

I'm concerned it will mess them up totally without valid reason, particularly at school where less noteworthy details have often attracted comment/ridicule from other kids.

They are fully aware of their family lines at both sides, albeit far closer to her side since they see them more frequently.

They are both well settled and have coped admirably with the separation. Why go changing that now to pander to their mothers ego?

I simply want them to keep the names they were born and christened with.

Incidentally I have 2 sets of flights booked for later in the year at considerable expense.....RYANAIR don't change names that easily!!

Opinions pls?

PS - Incidentally both surnames have the same starting letter.....together they sound utterly ridiculous!!

Is there any real need to stop her? Realy cant see a negative effect just from a change of name.

horseone

@ PucaMama - I don't want it because I feels it dilutes the kids connection with me, that is my gut reaction. It may not be valid but it would always by in the back of my mind. They already spent the vast majority of their time with their mother, then this on top would be chip away at the limited connection that remains with me. You may think that is foolish, ultimately them having my name means a HUGE amount to me.

Plus from the kids perspective....WHY? They gain nothing, except possibly some unwanted attention in school. To my mind the only person this change would serve is my EX. And what about remarriage for their mother? Does that mean another name change?

Perhaps I am being overly harsh here...

PucaMama

horseone wrote: »

@ PucaMama - I don't want it because I feels it dilutes the kids connection with me, that is my gut reaction. It may not be valid but it would always by in the back of my mind. They already spent the vast majority of their time with their mother, then this on top would be chip away at the limited connection that remains with me. You may think that is foolish, ultimately them having my name means a HUGE amount to me.

Plus from the kids perspective....WHY? They gain nothing, except possibly some unwanted attention in school. To my mind the only person this change would serve is my EX. And what about remarriage for their mother? Does that mean another name change?

Perhaps I am being overly harsh here...

you are their father they will always have a connection with you in their hearts. you must be a good father to have faught for contact. but this does sound like you saying no just because its what your ex wants.

Sulla Felix

Really don't see the point other than simple ego stroking on her part.

desbrook

horseone wrote: »

@ PucaMama - I don't want it because I feels it dilutes the kids connection with me, that is my gut reaction. It may not be valid but it would always by in the back of my mind. They already spent the vast majority of their time with their mother, then this on top would be chip away at the limited connection that remains with me. You may think that is foolish, ultimately them having my name means a HUGE amount to me.

Plus from the kids perspective....WHY? They gain nothing, except possibly some unwanted attention in school. To my mind the only person this change would serve is my EX. And what about remarriage for their mother? Does that mean another name change?

Perhaps I am being overly harsh here...

Yes you are being over harsh. She will be reverting to her maiden name ( understandably) and wants to have a a clear link with her kids. She's asking for double barrelled names not just her name - relax.

I'm a separated father myself by the way.

Dtp79

Sulla Felix wrote: »

Really don't see the point other than simple ego stroking on her part.

She Sounds like a right bi1€h to me. Gets the majority of custody and want to put the boot in along with it

PucaMama

Dtp79 wrote: »

She Sounds like a right bi1€h to me. Gets the majority of custody and want to put the boot in along with it

bit OTT??

she just wants her name associated with the children too

Stheno

desbrook wrote: »

Yes you are being over harsh. She will be reverting to her maiden name ( understandably) and wants to have a a clear link with her kids. She's asking for double barrelled names not just her name - relax.

I'm a separated father myself by the way.

Agree with this tbh, my partners children by his former wife all had her surname after the divorce, and now fluctuate between double barrelled and her surname depending on the situation.

One surname is in Irish and the other in English, and together they sound ridiculous, but as kids, now adults that's their compromise.

I'd say leave it be, suck up the expense of the flights, have documentation to prove they are your kids, and move on.

You'll have harder battles to fight in years to come.

Dtp79

PucaMama wrote: »

bit OTT??

she just wants her name associated with the children too

Does the fact that she gets the kids most of the time not enough for her?? Not OTT at all. Just a bit€h

PucaMama

Dtp79 wrote: »

Does the fact that she gets the kids most of the time not enough for her?? Not OTT at all. Just a bit€h

you have more of an issue with her having her children than anything else :rolleyes:

meoklmrk91

Sulla Felix wrote: »

Really don't see the point other than simple ego stroking on her part.

Dtp79 wrote: »

She Sounds like a right bi1€h to me. Gets the majority of custody and want to put the boot in along with it

I think this is very unfair, she is going to be reverting to her maiden name following the divorce, why should her children have a different name than here just because of the tradition that children take their fathers name. You don't know this woman or her side of the story. OP personally I think you are being overly sensitive, it will be a double barrel name, so it's not like your surname will be cut out, they will most likely still be known by your surname in school as that is what they have been known as. Your link will still be there it is just fairer the way as both parents get to have their surnames used.

If I was the woman in this situation I would be asking for exactly the same thing, hey shouldn't her children have her name as well as their fathers.

Dtp79

PucaMama wrote: »

you have more of an issue with her having her children than anything else :rolleyes:

I totally misread that.. Didn't realise she wanted a double barrel name. Nothing wrong with that to be honest. As long as his name is first obviously

PucaMama

Dtp79 wrote: »

I totally misread that.. Didn't realise she wanted a double barrel name. Nothing wrong with that to be honest. As long as his name is first obviously

ok apologies

Busted Flat.

Coup de Grâce.
I have been there on two occasions, my wife, and ex partner I had two kids by both, they change my childrens names on both occasions. Rather than fight the change I took it on the chin. The kids are more important than a name they are still your blood. I walked away to avoid distress too them. Hopefully you will make the right decision, as I said Coup de Grâce, the final shot by a selfish person.

Aideenr1

meoklmrk91 wrote: »

I think this is very unfair, she is going to be reverting to her maiden name following the divorce, why should her children have a different name than here just because of the tradition that children take their fathers name. You don't know this woman or her side of the story. OP personally I think you are being overly sensitive, it will be a double barrel name, so it's not like your surname will be cut out, they will most likely still be known by your surname in school as that is what they have been known as. Your link will still be there it is just fairer the way as both parents get to have their surnames used.

If I was the woman in this situation I would be asking for exactly the same thing, hey shouldn't her children have her name as well as their fathers.

You are given the option of doing just that when you are registering your children. She could have used both surnames then. Seems like a lot of hassle for an extra name that as you pointed out, may not even be used that much

shruikan2553

As someone with one, avoid double barrel surnames. Pick one name or the other as they are a pain in the ass and not worth the effort just so that the parents are happy.

braceface

I'm actually planning on doing the exact same thing. My son has my ex's last name and I go by my maiden name, so when we travel it looks like we are not related and was questioned about it last time we travelled (he also looks nothing like me!). I'm doing it purely so we have a proven connection when travelling. It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to dilute his relationship with his father and I won't be double barrelling it on a day to day basis.

Maybe ask her WHY she's doing it? If she was doing it in school etc. I think it would be different

CommanderC

Dtp79 wrote: »

Does the fact that she gets the kids most of the time not enough for her?? Not OTT at all. Just a bit€h

Dtp79 wrote: »

I totally misread that.. Didn't realise she wanted a double barrel name. Nothing wrong with that to be honest. As long as his name is first obviously

First of all, if she didn't apply for custody the likes of you would be calling her a heartless bitch/unfit mother..........women just cannot win in this country.

Second of all, it's not 'obvious' and it sounds like this particular issue has touched a nerve with you. In my opinion the OP would do well to avoid such extreme emotional posts :rolleyes:

Neyite

braceface wrote: »

I'm actually planning on doing the exact same thing. My son has my ex's last name and I go by my maiden name, so when we travel it looks like we are not related and was questioned about it last time we travelled (he also looks nothing like me!). I'm doing it purely so we have a proven connection when travelling. It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to dilute his relationship with his father and I won't be double barrelling it on a day to day basis.

Maybe ask her WHY she's doing it? If she was doing it in school etc. I think it would be different

I'd double-barrell for the the passport only. While I dont particularly like my child having a different surname to me, and me being called Mrs. X at doctors etc instead of Miss Y, the passport is different. Any adult that travels with a minor and their surnames don't match will face closer scrutiny and additional paperwork e.g. a letter from the same-name parent giving permission for the child to leave the jurisdiction.

maria34

My daughter has her fathers surname and we always had some sort of hassle while travelling. I would like to have my name in her passport too but the law in my own country is a bit different and it cant be changed.

Abigayle

I see no harm in having a double-barrelled name, it's not like she's trying to drop the fathers name or something. It sort of cements the two families names into the childrens lives in a nice way I feel.

ShuShuDoyle

What I dont get with such situations is that when they were together as a couple there were no issues with the child having the Fathers Surname only.

So now there is divorce it would suggest to me it is a control issue here, like placing a stamp on the situation. Unless this was something that was expressed during the marriage, I would never agree to it.

You have the short-straw already, by have reduced time with your children. Furthermore, remarks by saying suck it up for the childrens sake... Say the same to the mother, and I am sure it would be treated oh so differently by the posters here.

Dont turn it inot a war. So no, state your reasons and dont engae further on this issue.

PucaMama

ShuShuDoyle wrote: »

What I dont get with such situations is that when they were together as a couple there were no issues with the child having the Fathers Surname only.

So now there is divorce it would suggest to me it is a control issue here, like placing a stamp on the situation. Unless this was something that was expressed during the marriage, I would never agree to it.

You have the short-straw already, by have reduced time with your children. Furthermore, remarks by saying suck it up for the childrens sake... Say the same to the mother, and I am sure it would be treated oh so differently by the posters here.

Dont turn it inot a war. So no, state your reasons and dont engae further on this issue.

If they were married they would more than likely all have the same surname so no issue. If they were not married but together as a couple well the father would be with them for example going on a family holiday. If not its just the mother and Child travelling and on paper it would look like a woman and an unrelated child due to having a different name.

ShuShuDoyle

A simple letter acknowledging the other parents consent to travel is all that is needed, for either parent.

That would/should be done in any separated family situation.


Name changing is just looking for an issue, especially if the split was acrimonius.

desbrook

ShuShuDoyle wrote: »

What I dont get with such situations is that when they were together as a couple there were no issues with the child having the Fathers Surname only.

So now there is divorce it would suggest to me it is a control issue here, like placing a stamp on the situation. Unless this was something that was expressed during the marriage, I would never agree to it.

You have the short-straw already, by have reduced time with your children. Furthermore, remarks by saying suck it up for the childrens sake... Say the same to the mother, and I am sure it would be treated oh so differently by the posters here.

Dont turn it inot a war. So no, state your reasons and dont engae further on this issue.

To make the argument that xyz wasn't an issue during the marriage and therefore shouldn't be now is ridiculous . The game has changed utterly ! Sharing a bed/house/bank account are rarely an issue but they sure as hell are during a split !
Yes in some ways men do get a raw deal but tit for tat? Nah that way nothing gets resolved and the cycle is never ending . Each issue on it's merits . There's a practical reason why the kids should share half their surname with their mother . Separated dad or not I have no problem with it. Before anyone asks my kids have double barrel names.

Paddy Cow

Double barrel surnames to please both parents are a pain in the arse. What happens when the kids grow up and they marry someone else with a double barrel surname. Do they end up with four surnames? Do they offend one of the parents by dropping a surname? Pick one surname and stick with it.

Legally can she just decide to give them another surname that's not on the birth cert?

sbsquarepants

I don't think it's possible to change your surname anymore. I think they changed the law about 15 years ago, anyone born after that your surname remains your surname for life, (except in the case of marriage I suppose) before that a few quid to the deed poll office and hey presto you're Elvis Presley!

Gertrude2

There is a system of changing name in the High Court by Deed Poll. Both parents consent is required as far as I know.

For passports, the passport office use the surname on the birth cert.

Shadylou

My children have a double barrel surname as myself and my ex were not married and I felt it was important to have both of our names for travelling, school etc. I really don't see the harm in it as long as the names sound ok together

Zizigirl

I think the OP is perfectly within his rights to refuse the name change. In these situations others need to walk a mile in his shoes before they can truly understand. 'Suck it up for the kids sake' doesn't come into it because if the names remain as is there will be no change for the kids. Letters to prove the situation for travelling is the way to go!

Taltos

After two months think the OP has gotten all the advice they need at this point.

Thread closed.