Couples who dont want kids-What happens when 1 partner changes their mind??

Dee24

Mods - I know there is a thread already on "Anyone not want kids?", so feel free to merge this if you wish. Also, its just a general wondering, so please dont move to personal issues. I'm just interested in hearing general views on it.

I'm one of those people who is thoroughly undecided about having kids, I'm fairly sure I may want one, but that would be it. My husband is the same, he's not sure but would most likely like one or two.

We're married 4 years, and together nearly 11. But he was working abroad and up the country for the last 3 years 8 months. So now that he's home, I'm already starting to get the old "now sure the next thing will be kids"

But I'm just wondering, what happens if I decided I definitely don't want kids and he does. I honestly couldn't live my life without him, I would break me in two to have to end it with him, if we were to vehemently decide on opposite things regarding children.

So, I'm just wondering are there any of you out there who were in a similar boat? What happened when one of you changed your mind? Or do you know of any couples this happened to? Can a couple survive something like this?

I'm more talking about couples who absolutely cannot see themselves without eachother, but where kids could be a seriously contentious issue when one half changed their mind several years down the road?

Das Kitty

I suppose it's just a case of either one person concedes or you break up.

pwurple

Yup, as Kitty says, same as any other important decision as a couple, like what country you live in.

If you don't agree, one person has to concede, or if not, you separate.

Nevermind outside pressure. Decide for yourself.

You can put it off for a while, and agree to reconsider in a few years. The only thing to possibly consider is your age. Fertility decreases on a slope as a woman once you get to 35. Not to say it's impossible, just gets a bit harder.

shopaholic01

I walked away from a 10 year relationship because of this. I was always upfront about not wanting children, he agreed.

Then he admitted years later that he did want children, he had just agreed with me because he thought I would change my mind.

I didn't want to have a child just to keep the relationship alive. I also realised that if the relationship continued he would resent me for not having children. So, I left. It was difficult at the time but I'm happy with my decision. He's now married with 2 children.

I don't think it's something you can compromise on, unless one partner is just indifferent to the idea (not a great start to parenthood though).

I find it's extremely difficult to meet a man who does not want marriage and children (I know the OP is married, so a slightly different situation), however a healthy relationship can only work if both partners want the same thing.

Honey-ec

Like Shopaholic, my marriage broke up over this. I never wanted kids, he said he was happy to accept this, then changed his mind. We walked away from eachother.

That was 18 months ago. I'm still madly in love with him. He, however, is with someone else and tbh, I'm just waiting for the announcement that she's pregnant. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to deal with it when it comes. None. I have a feeling it's going to hit me even harder than the break-up did, though.

The fact that you're "fairly sure" you want one and your husband "most likely" wants one or two would indicate to me that you're actually happy enough with the idea of having kids - neither of you is vehemently opposed to the idea, so I don't really think you've cause for worry.

But for those couples who have one person who is adamant and the other is agreeing with them out of a wish to be with them rather than because they genuinely don't want children themselves, I would say - be very, very careful. Kids are the ultimate dealbreaker, the one single area where there is literally no compromise. You can't have half a child.

Dee24

Honeyec and shopaholic- fair play to you both. That's some serious guts to do that!

I would feel so sorry for anyone is that kind of a situation.

Has anyone out there stayed together after such a difference and how have things worked out?

shopaholic01

Dee24 wrote: »

Honeyec and shopaholic- fair play to you both. That's some serious guts to do that!

For me it was easier than to walk away than have a child. Being a parent is a life-long responsibility, it's not something you can do half-heartedly. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life resenting my ex and an innocent child.

bronte

I had to end a relationship (thankfully not a marriage or 10 year one) on account of this too. I remember getting very angry afterwards because I felt I had been honest about what I wanted but he hadn't. I feel for both shopaholic and honey ec. It's a tough thing to go through. There really is no compromise.

Penny Dreadful

shopaholic01 wrote: »

I walked away from a 10 year relationship because of this. I was always upfront about not wanting children, he agreed.

Then he admitted years later that he did want children, he had just agreed with me because he thought I would change my mind.

I didn't want to have a child just to keep the relationship alive. I also realised that if the relationship continued he would resent me for not having children. So, I left. It was difficult at the time but I'm happy with my decision. He's now married with 2 children.

I don't think it's something you can compromise on, unless one partner is just indifferent to the idea (not a great start to parenthood though).

I find it's extremely difficult to meet a man who does not want marriage and children (I know the OP is married, so a slightly different situation), however a healthy relationship can only work if both partners want the same thing.

I was on the opposite side of this. In a 10 year relationship (supposedly) about to get engaged when my boyfriend told me he didn't want to have children.
I knew in my heart and soul that I couldn't be happy with that but we tried counselling to work it though, he said that yes he did want it all, the marriage and kids and lets do it BUT I knew he didn't.
We tried to trudge along together for a while but it was never right and would never ever work out so I ended it.
It was hard but it was the right thing to do and I can honestly say I have never ever once regretted my decision.

mollybird

Fair play to those who came out of a long term relationship. Im in a simiar situation. Ive always said i never wanted kids and my husband has been the same. now i have become a bit broody in the last year or two but the idea of having kids scares the bejeuses out of me. it's such a huge responsibility. Friends of ours has said that if your are not 100% on the idea of having kids you shouldn't so id say we won't go down that road. i have no nieces or newphews but i do have a godson whom i adore and he adores me and you know that's enough for me. i take him for a few days during the summer and when it's time for him to head home im always glad to hand him back.

we love the life we have and after the last weekend we had my godson my husband says he still doesn't want to do the whole kid thing. i don't think it would be fair on the child if you ever live to regret your decision because you gave into peer or family pressure. Both people should be very sure they want to do it.

username123

I see my husband interacting with his nieces/nephews and wonder sometimes will he regret not having kids later on. I won't. He claims he won't either. Time will tell.

seosamh1980

I was asked recently do I want kids, I said I'm undecided. I was then asked does my boyfriend not want to be a father, like I should have some just to suit him!

Malari

username123 wrote: »

I see my husband interacting with his nieces/nephews and wonder sometimes will he regret not having kids later on. I won't. He claims he won't either. Time will tell.

Same here, except substitute cat for niblings. :cool: We've actually had that conversation. There may come a day when he does regret it but he knows it was his decision and he's going to have to live with it.

Nymeria

This is such a tough one, like others have said its a deal breaker for many people. Ultimately, I feel that you have to want to have a child for yourself, not just to please someone or keep someone else happy - sounds pretty obvious but I bet there are many out there who have just gone along with what their partner wanted. Of course if everything else works out rosy then its great, but if not, they may be left holding the baby they didn't really want in the first place, and the relationship they treasured is gone.

I think people need to therefore consider whether they would be ok being a single parent? Of course most people have kids with the intention of staying together as a family, but as we all know that doesn't always happen. In some cases the early years with kids can break a relationship, especially if one person wasn't fully on board with the idea and it turns out to be harder than they thought.

I guess the other side of it is, if the relationship did break up and they were too old to have a child, would they resent the opportunity lost?

There is so many what ifs, and you never really know what the future holds.

The biggest issue I would have with the whole scenario would be leading someone on, and being deceitful about your intensions whether they be wanting or not wanting a child.

Nymeria

Malari wrote: »

There may come a day when he does regret it but he knows it was his decision and he's going to have to live with it.

I think that is the only thing you can really do in this situation, take his word for it that he is an adult and has made his choice. You can only be responsible for your own choices.

shinesun

seosamh1980 wrote: »

I was asked recently do I want kids, I said I'm undecided. I was then asked does my boyfriend not want to be a father, like I should have some just to suit him!

What the fcuk.. The nerve of some people!

Penny Dreadful

Nymeria wrote: »

This is such a tough one, like others have said its a deal breaker for many people. Ultimately, I feel that you have to want to have a child for yourself, not just to please someone or keep someone else happy - sounds pretty obvious but I bet there are many out there who have just gone along with what their partner wanted. Of course if everything else works out rosy then its great, but if not, they may be left holding the baby they didn't really want in the first place, and the relationship they treasured is gone.

I think people need to therefore consider whether they would be ok being a single parent? Of course most people have kids with the intention of staying together as a family, but as we all know that doesn't always happen. In some cases the early years with kids can break a relationship, especially if one person wasn't fully on board with the idea and it turns out to be harder than they thought.

I guess the other side of it is, if the relationship did break up and they were too old to have a child, would they resent the opportunity lost?

There is so many what ifs, and you never really know what the future holds.

The biggest issue I would have with the whole scenario would be leading someone on, and being deceitful about your intensions whether they be wanting or not wanting a child.

The bits in bold are very much thoughts that went through my head.
I suppose the relationship I was in had been on life support for some time and I'd chosen to ignore that fact and pretend that everything was ok and that I was happy despite not being.
When my ex told me that he didn't want kids I knew that was it. It wasn't that I most certainly 100% did want them but I sure as hell wanted or needed to have the option. I knew that he and the relationship we had was not worth the sacrifice. It would have cost me too dearly.
So I guess the kids issue highlighted the fact that the relationship I had once treasured was gone and had really been gone for some time.
As the months after our break up wore on and I thought about a lot of things and my future I came to realise that having children was something I did want. I also knew that if I didn't meet anyone to have them with I'd go it alone.
Luckily I did meet someone fantastic and we're super happy together. We have our fights and blow outs like anyone else but we are essentially happy together and we want the same big things i.e. a family, we share a work ethic, share the same life ambitions, are kind and thoughtful to each other.
Sharing these things is (IMHO only) vital to the success of a relationship. If you're both striving towards different objectives its hard to help each other along the way.

Arawn

Just on this here's an interesting question for you from my own experience.

I'm male and have never wanted kids, but was once involved with a girl who had a kid from a previous relationship, the kid was cool and I got along great with her, but eventually it got to the stage where she went from not wanting a kid to wanting one in the future, which unfortunately brought an end to our relationship as I do not want kids of my own.

So my question is would you be ok being in a relationship with someone who had a kid that wasn't yours or is it a no kids ever thing?? For me I wouldn't mind someone else having a kid but I will never want one of my own blood

shopaholic01

No kids ever for me, Arawn.

You won't have complete freedom, partner would more than likely have the child/children at the weekends, all decisions, holidays etc would be influenced by them. It's a life-long commitment and would be a particular nightmare if you didn't get on well with them.

Millicent

Arawn wrote: »

Just on this here's an interesting question for you from my own experience.

I'm male and have never wanted kids, but was once involved with a girl who had a kid from a previous relationship, the kid was cool and I got along great with her, but eventually it got to the stage where she went from not wanting a kid to wanting one in the future, which unfortunately brought an end to our relationship as I do not want kids of my own.

So my question is would you be ok being in a relationship with someone who had a kid that wasn't yours or is it a no kids ever thing?? For me I wouldn't mind someone else having a kid but I will never want one of my own blood

My other half has a lovely little boy. I love him to bits and we get on great. So I kind of get some sort of parenting role but without the massive responsibility or the having to get up for the night feeds etc. TBH though, it's only fed into my feelings about having children of my own. He shares custody with his ex so we still get some time together. But were we to have one together, it would be all responsibility all the time and I don't know if I could handle that. As it is, our freedoms are curbed (not that I mind but sometimes it's difficult) and I wouldn't want that to be the case 24/7. It's a hard line to walk.

Malari

For me it's the children I'm averse to, not the responsibility or financial aspect or worry about being a good parent. So no, a partner having a child would be a deal-breaker for me.

Stheno

shopaholic01 wrote: »

I walked away from a 10 year relationship because of this. I was always upfront about not wanting children, he agreed.

Then he admitted years later that he did want children, he had just agreed with me because he thought I would change my mind.

I didn't want to have a child just to keep the relationship alive. I also realised that if the relationship continued he would resent me for not having children. So, I left. It was difficult at the time but I'm happy with my decision. He's now married with 2 children.

I don't think it's something you can compromise on, unless one partner is just indifferent to the idea (not a great start to parenthood though).

I find it's extremely difficult to meet a man who does not want marriage and children (I know the OP is married, so a slightly different situation), however a healthy relationship can only work if both partners want the same thing.

I too walked away from an eleven year relationship (9 years married) when my now ex announced he wanted kids after 10 years together.

The relationship was in trouble, but kids was the final straw, from the outset of the relationship I said no to kids, and that was fine for him until his close friends who were "late starters" compared to us got married and had kids. There were other factors, but for me, I'm one of those women with what is classed as a fear of pregnancy (for those of you familiar with the book 1984, it and a constantly crying child are my room 101), and I couldn't bear the thoughts of being pregnant and having a child whom I would resent from the moment I knew I was pregnant was not worth the fear of being single and making a new life. All children deserve to be loved, and as I freely admit I'm a fairly selfish person, and as the oldest of a very large family, it's not something I could do, I spent most of my teenage years being a substitute parent to siblings up to twenty years younger than me (now) and that was enough.

We'd a very amiable separation and he's now (rather weirdly) with another woman who shares my forename, and given his sudden desire to divorce, I suspect he is hoping to be a father late in life (he is lose to fifty) and I wish him the best with it

Honey-ec wrote: »

Like Shopaholic, my marriage broke up over this. I never wanted kids, he said he was happy to accept this, then changed his mind. We walked away from eachother.

That was 18 months ago. I'm still madly in love with him. He, however, is with someone else and tbh, I'm just waiting for the announcement that she's pregnant. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to deal with it when it comes. None. I have a feeling it's going to hit me even harder than the break-up did, though.

The fact that you're "fairly sure" you want one and your husband "most likely" wants one or two would indicate to me that you're actually happy enough with the idea of having kids - neither of you is vehemently opposed to the idea, so I don't really think you've cause for worry.

But for those couples who have one person who is adamant and the other is agreeing with them out of a wish to be with them rather than because they genuinely don't want children themselves, I would say - be very, very careful. Kids are the ultimate dealbreaker, the one single area where there is literally no compromise. You can't have half a child.

I agree 100%

shinesun wrote: »

What the fcuk.. The nerve of some people!

You think that's bad? When I was married, one colleague (male) I had in a six month contract got obsessed with the fact I'd no kids, and for about a month asked me why not. I ended up telling him after the month of ongoing grief, that I was infertile to shut him up, he didn't even pause at that, but never bothered me again.

shopaholic01 wrote: »

No kids ever for me, Arawn.

You won't have complete freedom, partner would more than likely have the child/children at the weekends, all decisions, holidays etc would be influenced by them. It's a life-long commitment and would be a particular nightmare if you didn't get on well with them.

My current partner has two adult children (20 and 23) but when I compare them to me at that age, they are very young, have never really worked, have little life experience, and due to their parents (in part) relationship have both been a bit pampered by their father.

Everything shop says is true, and it does get on my wick at times, but as our relationship has matured, and given their age it has had far less impact and I've worked with my partner to influence behaviour so it irks me less (things like randomly singing at full volume regardless of where you are in the house which drives me nuts) and when discussed is fine.

Those discussions however are between him and his kids, and I rarely get invited to anything that involves their mother. I've missed two debs, and today a graduation, but that's more to do with the very hostile relationship between my partner and his ex and his being excluded and his kids trying to include him in events with minimal grief than anything else.

It does sometimes take an effort though, I'd a significant birthday a few weeks ago, and despite them knowing about it and sending me texts, neither bothered to even get a card, after five years.

With a partner who has kids, you will always come second.

Goldenlady

I walked away from an 8 year relationship, because I wanted the option of kids. To be fair, he was adamant from day 1 that he wouldn't have any more (3 kids from marriage) but I was early 20's then and kids were the last thing on my mind! I basically reared his kids and felt he was being selfish not wanting us to have kids, but I understood his point also. I am still undecided if I want kids or not, I see my friends and how they struggle etc. BUT I didn't want the option taken away from me. I feared I would grow to resent him if I really wanted kids plus I couldn't cope with minding his grandchildren if I had been feeling like that. So who knows whether it will happen or not, but at least I can have a choice now.

iwantmydinner

Wow, this is a tough read. I'm in awe of the posters who were brave enough to end relationships in order to stay true to their feelings about parenthood - that takes serious guts. There are so many people who have grown up with parents that didn't really want kids and it really takes a toll, so I really applaud those who have been so honest with themselves.

I'm in my late 20s and female. I've been thinking recently about the possibility of being a mother some day (I'm in the very early stages of a new relationship so for the purposes of this topic, I'm thinking of it purely on my terms, not in terms of "us").... And I'm fairly certain I will want to have kids. It's a scary prospect now, but in a few years, I do think I'll want kids. I also have three sisters and a number of close female friends and I have a very strong feeling that once they start having kids, it'll really kick in for me.

I suppose what that means is that I don't want the option taken away from me, at the very least. With that in mind, I'm wondering if I should a) get my fertility tested and b) start sussing out early in this or any subsequent relationships what he wants.

The thinking behind fertility testing is that if I found out I couldn't have kids - then that would put an end to the wondering about whether I want them or not. It would simplify everything (so the logic in my head goes, anyway).

The thinking behind b) is to minimise the risk of getting deep into a relationship with a person who disagrees with me on a very big, fundamental thing.

Anyone else thinking along these lines... or can anyone point out an obvious flaw in my logic??

meeeeh

I was in a long distance relationship so we had the talk very early. Not just about the kids but in general what we wanted from a relationship. After all one of us (me) had to move. It worked because we're are still together with two kids. It's a fine balance because you don't want to be too full on at the beginning but when you start thinking about settling down with someone there is no point wasting time in a relationship that is not going anywhere.

Honey-ec

For me personally, it's a conversation I'd be having fairly early on in any potential relationship. I am not putting myself through that heartache again, I can tell you, so there's no point in me getting involved with someone, potentially falling very hard for them, only to find out six months or a year in that they want kids.

Unfortunately, it's a very difficult needle to thread. It's nigh-on impossible to have an early dicussion on kids (even when it's to say you don't want them) without the man in question hearing "long term plans".

Penny Dreadful

Honey-ec wrote: »

For me personally, it's a conversation I'd be having fairly early on in any potential relationship. I am not putting myself through that heartache again, I can tell you, so there's no point in me getting involved with someone, potentially falling very hard for them, only to find out six months or a year in that they want kids.

Unfortunately, it's a very difficult needle to thread. It's nigh-on impossible to have an early dicussion on kids (even when it's to say you don't want them) without the man in question hearing "long term plans".

It is an awkward one to approach but it can be done. I'd wasted so much time with someone who didn't want then might have wanted them one day and went back and forth on that and admitted he was only saying it to keep me that I just couldn't waste that much time again.
When I started dating my now husband I brought up the "what do you want from your life" conversation pretty early on. It wasn't a conversation around wanting those things with me as to be fair, we'd only started dating and I wasn't sure I wanted those things with him but knew I wanted them with someone.
Luckily for us we both wanted the same things so it worked out. If he hadn't wanted those same fundamental things I'd have walked away.