Worst pain of my life today....words for the wise

Gilbert Grape

I had been constipated for 2 days. I felt like I had to go but couldn't. Yesterday I felt a big piece too large for my asshole coming out and it killed. (Im sure you all know the feeling) Anyways, I usually try and squeeze tight trying to get it down to my size.....didnt work.

I took a shot of castor oil during the day yesterday and 2 pieces of exlax chocolate last night. Still no bowel movement.

Today I realized I hadnt **** in a while. I quit drinking 2 weeks ago, usually after a hard night I would **** 11 times in a day. ANyways, my stomach killed so bad today. It felt like it would poke out a little and go back in, killed so bad. I googled it they said use an enema cuz its already past the ppoint of stool softeners.

I never done that before, so I bought on and followed the directions. Thats some humbling **** right there, spraying water up your ass in the bathroom doggystyle.

It didnt work, but I would **** out the fluid and feel the monster. It was the worst pain ever. I called my girl home from work (shes a nurse) but I couldnt let her see me doing this ****, I sprayed it 3-4 times. Luckily it came with 2 bottles.

Anyways, I did NOT want to go to casualty as I to was embarrassed,so I told her Im gonna spray a whole bunch again and push my hardest. If I pass out to call ambulance.
It hurt sooo bad, coming out I yelped and jumped so bad. This thing was 2 feet long and the girth was bigger than a cucummber, it was shaped like a full size dragon.
I took one of my girls rubber gloves and felt it. Rock hard, like 3-4lbs. @ hrs ago this was, I still feel like Brad Pitt leaving prison.

Moral of the story, EAT FIBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mad fiber. I just got back from the shop buying watermelon, apples, salad, and weetabix.

Nemeses

Lad, This is Sh!te we don't need to know about.

princess-lala

Christ almighty :eek:

Artful_Badger

You should have named it Bono and raised it as your own son.

Festy

There goes my late night snack

Micky Dolenz

Sounds like you lost your ass virginity.

The Backwards Man

What's Gilbert Grape been eating?

GHOST MGG

make sure the traffic doesnt mistake your arse for the channel tunnel:-p

Gilbert Grape

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

Sounds like you lost your ass virginity.

Lost,,,it ****ing vanished.

lahalane

You're full of ****...

shopaholic01

You really should have posted a pic, not too much to ask as you already fondled it. Sounds impressive.

Howjoe1

What had you been eating gilbert grape?

hatrickpatrick

*takes off glasses*
Flutt? IS THAT YOU???

HUG ME BROTHAAAA!!!!!

Lumbo

Pics or...... actually, forget about it

pharmaton

you gay now Op?

Gilbert Grape

shopaholic01 wrote: »

You really should have posted a pic, not too much to ask as you already fondled it. Sounds impressive.

Was going to but it broke up into 3 different bits when i fondled it.

miller50841

Its Mr. Hanky the xmas sh1t and he has made a come back with a bang.

I not sure who is more embarassed me for reading this sh1t or you for writing this sh1t.

Suppose the saying goes better out then in.......:rolleyes:

Toots

Glycerine suppositories would have sorted you out. Same thing happened to me after I had my son. Honestly, I was more scared taking that dump than I was giving birth. I was tempted to ask could I have another epidural!

Howard Juneau

A glycerine suppository would have sorted you out in a few hours. No need to have struggled so much & now you've ended up with a ring that looks like it's been fingered by an elephant.

Renegade Mechanic

OP takes a crap that leaves him walking like John Wayne and doesnt take a picture?

Nemeses

Jebus, Who wants a picture of a turd...

Ever heard of the nrop network?

Anyone that looks for picture of gtfo..

how bout you get the fack out... from the inter web, permanently..

shopaholic01

Gilbert Grape wrote: »

Was going to but it broke up into 3 different bits when i fondled it.

You could have laid them out end to end. Wasted opportunity.

Nemeses

audman wrote: »

Pic or GTFO. Or at least send all of us a bit each of it in the post.

you have been warned... turdmaster.

Howard Juneau

OP is a wuss! Getting his missus to come help him & not filming the ensuing hilarity. Two girls one bucket

Micky Dolenz

You could say, it near recthim.

ikarie

That's your watertight seal gone......you'll be leaving skid marks longer than an airplane runway in your drawers from now on!

Artful_Badger

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

You could say, it near recthim.

Rectum ? Damn near killed em !

NuckingFacker

The Bantam would be proud. hmmmm.

unkel

Stop eating sh1te, OP. I'm not trolling, pardon the pun. Eat a healthy diet with plenty of fruit and veg

loubeelou

Gotta love a good poo story!!

Chris Ryan

How many curics?

Son Of A Vidic

Gilbert Grape wrote: »

I called my girl home from work

And there's the problem right there. I think you might need to become gay in order to keep the oul pipe clear.

Gilbert Grape wrote: »

This thing was 2 feet long and the girth was bigger than a cucummber

This tells me you are more than ready for gayness, in fact, you might even be a natural judging by those dimensions.






Disclaimer: No gay people were harmed during the making of this post & no offense is intended to same.

Bullchomper

Sounds like a tough type two
http://missinghumanmanual.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/stool-chart.jpg

Xivilai

I don't think your anus will ever trust you again op

Karl Stein

Toilet humour?

I grew out of toilet humour when I was about 7.

shopaholic01

Xivilai wrote: »

I don't think your anus will ever trust you again op

It's the other way round - OP can't trust his sphincter muscles after all that stretching. Haemorrhoids are a distinct possibility too.

pharmaton

Corvus Maximus wrote: »

This tells me you are more than ready for gayness, in fact, you might even be a natural judging by those dimensions.






Disclaimer: No gay people were harmed during the making of this post & no offense is intended to same.

I've listened to convo's with gay men that sound remarkably like the ops, he's halfway there already.

Anderson101

I hope you took pictures of that bad boy.

MadsL

Thinking twice before asking the GF for anal now aren't we OP?

Howard Juneau

MadsL wrote: »

Thinking twice before asking the GF for anal now aren't we OP?

No, he still wants her to use the strap on.....the way has been cleared so to speak!

syklops

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

*takes off glasses*
Flutt? IS THAT YOU???

HUG ME BROTHAAAA!!!!!

Nah, Flutt was more eloquent.

vibe666

www.ratemypoo.com :pac:

Chancer3001

I had a similar experience once.

Worth thing thats ever happened to me.

Sat on that toilet seat for a good 40 minutes.

The head of the poo was just wayyyy too wide to fit out my bum.

So I heaved and grunted and sweated . Then relaxed.

Then heaved then sweated some more.

After a half hour it finally made an appearance.

The girthy masssssive head broke through.

Im actually not exaggerating when I say my body went into tremors. My legs were shaking all over the place and I was literally bouncing up and down on the seat.

Once I passed the first 2-3 inches, the rest of it followed like a cucumber made of razors.

No wiping needed - it was one of those.


horrible, horrible experience

Elbaston

CCTV camera footage of OP's home..... and the crimes committed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZIfX3p9LS8

("like a cucumber made of razors" lolol)

Rothmans

vibe666 wrote: »

www.ratemypoo.com :pac:

Oh sweet jesus, I should really just use incognito mode when on boards.

Red Nissan

That's a mad story altogether, full of emotion and passion, I was there on bowl with you, some of the best descriptive prose I've heard in a long time.

You have a career as a creative writer or poet methinks.

Mad story altogether.

Aidric

Lols. A cautionary tale well told.

Smeggy

Well OP I've been there, done that, not worn the t-shirt (as I actually had to strip off to avoid passing out from the strain and effort)!!
Prune juice is your new best friend

Agricola

Im a cold hearted fúcker who never lols but I nearly lost my shít at that post!

jigglypuffstuff

OP i had a similar experience earlier on today

Fortunately i eat 45-50g fiber per day so it shot out of me like a bullet

I think i spent about 5 mins just staring at it in pure awe...it was big enough to be given a birth cert

then i got the great idea to take a pic and snapchat my best friend :pac:

he just text me saying he is still laughing over it :P

cassid

Have spent the last 8 years wiping kiddy poo in my house, in my job I see poo amongst other things.

Please I come to after hours to get away from it!!