so annoyed and upset at my fiancé

nadey

I could really use some advice and opinions about this matter please guys and I apologise in advance for bad spelling and grammer on my phone and so pissed off I cant bother to fix it

so for my fiance birthday I brought him to purto rico for a 2 week hoilday and on the day of his birthday I paid for all drinks meals and got him a birthday cake by the way I know I went abit over the top but I cant help it I like treating him away for his birthday


so it was my birthday last monday and because I was working the night shift we decided to celebrate on wednesday instead. He told me he would bring me out for a meal and a few drinks, I was really looking forward to it as we never ever go out for meals or drinks we usually stay in

so the day of my birthday came and my fiance was just in a bad mood all day bitching at me moaning about money for no reason what so ever, he decided to go to the cinema we stopped off at the shop to get drinks for it, I told him to get popcorn because he always changes his mind and end up buying the popcorn from the cinema and then again moans about the price of it, anyway he said no he didn't want any he was, we only just left the shop and again he start moaning about how warm his drink was and that he didn't want to go the cinema over it so I gave him my drink because it was cold and it shut him up,

When we got to the ticket stand in the cinema I said to him could I get an icecream since I had nothing for the cinema he looked at me and said and how much will that cost I said forget it and got nothing in the end the ice cream would of cost 2euro

so the movie was about to start he went out and came back and got a large popcorn and drink and gave me back mine, I just thought that was so greedy and selfish of him to actually ask about the price of a 2euro ice cream then to go off get get popcorn and drink cause he changed his mind like I knew he would

after the movie I cooked us dinner and as he was driving me to work he started moaning and giving out to me again because I was thinking of getting braces calling me mental mouth for something I didn't even have

he just pushed me to boiling point with all the moan and just being greedy and we had an argument and I went to work, I thought the least he could of done was too apologise to me for being a twat all day but instead he's been ignoring not speaking never took me out since then untill today when he told me I was acting like a child and im in the wrong

I think he was so selfish and greedy I dont see how I am in the wrong I only wanted to have a nice relaxing day and go out on wednesday with him for a night out was I asking too much???

December2012

Not at all!

He was bang out of order.

There is not an excuse but is there something else going on?

Or is he trying to get you to dump him?

ShaShaBear

OP there's definitely more going on here. He didn't just offer to do these nice things for your birthday and then act like a twat the entire night to ruin it on you. I'd imagine either something big has upset him, or he might be trying to get you to dump him. Possibly he felt like this before the holiday but didn't want to say anything since you had paid for it, and then didn't want to be the ass that dumped you at your birthday.

lmos

It does sound like there is something really bothering him, but its no excuse to treat you like that! Talk to him.

nadey

He basically says im not 5years old anymore and birthdays mean **** I told him I was writing this up and im going to show him all these posts

Meauldsegosha

The only person who is acting like a child here is your boyfriend. It doesn't matter what you did for his birthday, that was a choice you made. What he did on your birthday was very childish and ignorant. And then to make fun of your wish for dental work is just out of order. I woundn't put up with that kind of behaviour and would be telling him in no uncertain terms to ship up or ship out.

nadey

lmos wrote: »

It does sound like there is something really bothering him, but its no excuse to treat you like that! Talk to him.

He is having family stuff at the moment but it doesn't stop him from going to the pub with niebours and having a game of pool who keeps us up most of the time from having loud drunk mates around

I didn't want tons of money to be spent on me im not like that all I wanted was to be treated nicely and go for a meal that he suggested to go for not me

nadey

lmos wrote: »

It does sound like there is something really bothering him, but its no excuse to treat you like that! Talk to him.[/quote

Ive tried to day but he just screams at me and says im childish and leaves the house

This is utterly bizarre OP, I'm starting to think it's a case of him trying to get you to dump him so he doesn't look like the bad guy

**Vai**

Talk to him. Hes upset over the family stuff and maybe something else. Its jumping to conclusions to think he wants out of the relationship. The reason he is happy to go to the pub is to forget his problems, which doesnt necessarily have anything to do with you.
If you cant sit down and talk it out then you know what to do.

nadey

U

**Vai** wrote: »

Talk to him. Hes upset over the family stuff and maybe something else. Its jumping to conclusions to think he wants out of the relationship. The reason he is happy to go to the pub is to forget his problems, which doesnt necessarily have anything to do with you.
If you cant sit down and talk it out then you know what to do.

I always talk to him about it and try to comfort him I applied for him to do . courses which he got on because he's always moaning about doing nothing and sitting on his ass all day believe me I've tried everything talking turns into fighting suggesting a trip away moans about.money even if I offer to pay

going to see a counsellor thinks its gay, drives to clear the head, I literally done everything I can think of, I just honesty think he actually hates me at this stage everyone else must be right and obviously planed this to bump try and bump me beacuse he knows I would never leave him

lmos

Why would you never leave him? If he knows this, it gives him 'permission' to treat you whatever way he chooses. You deserve better than that, right?

nadey

lmos wrote: »

Why would you never leave him? If he knows this, it gives him 'permission' to treat you whatever way he chooses. You deserve better than that, right?

Because i madly and deeply love him im head over heels hes the only man ive ever been with my first everything been with him since im 16, we have two doggies together which is like our children to us, even after 6 years he still gives me butterfiles when I see him, we used to be able to talk about everything and anything he obviously doesn't feel the same, I would only ever leave if he cheated, looks like ive just wasted 6 and half years of my life

dellas1979

I think 2 things are possible here:

Either he clearly does not appreciate you and what you do for him, doesnt care about you, takes things for granted, cant articulate whats wrong, but couldnt give a damn enough to either.

Or...do you earn more money than him? Do you have different attitudes to money. For example, you whisked him off to puerto rico. But hes complaining about price of ice cream (from his money). Does it make him feel inferiour/insecure? Do you have a job (does he have a job?). Do you "take over" a little bit? i.e., doing so many things for him (and you believe you are helping). Are you taking a little bit away from his pride and his retort/way to cope and bump the ego is to act like an a*hole? You are engaged...is there the worry of a cost of the wedding in there somewhere? A bit of a scenario really where he is a "kept" man.

ShaShaBear

nadey wrote: »

Because i madly and deeply love him im head over heels hes the only man ive ever been with my first everything been with him since im 16, we have two doggies together which is like our children to us, even after 6 years he still gives me butterfiles when I see him, we used to be able to talk about everything and anything he obviously doesn't feel the same, I would only ever leave if he cheated, looks like ive just wasted 6 and half years of my life

So he can treat you as horribly as he likes and you will put up with it, as long as he doesn't sleep with someone else??

nadey

dellas1979 wrote: »

I think 2 things are possible here:

Either he clearly does not appreciate you and what you do for him, doesnt care about you, takes things for granted, cant articulate whats wrong, but couldnt give a damn enough to either.

Or...do you earn more money than him? Do you have different attitudes to money. For example, you whisked him off to puerto rico. But hes complaining about price of ice cream (from his money). Does it make him feel inferiour/insecure? Do you have a job (does he have a job?). Do you "take over" a little bit? i.e., doing so many things for him (and you believe you are helping). Are you taking a little bit away from his pride? You are engaged...is there the worry of a cost of the wedding in there somewhere?

I've always bought most of our stuff basically when I was younger I saved every penny I got because I lived alonr since I was 16 or 17 so money was tight but I got my dream job and decided feck it money is ment to be spent its no good when your dead I just feel I work hard if I want to go away I will go ive bought our last 4 hoildays away which I don't care about I get a kick out of taking care of him, its not as if we are struggling our home is paid every month our bills are paid and there food on the table

If anyone spends stupid money its him, I dont buy myself anything because we dont go out drinking or anything like that i work most the time so I dont buy me anything its a waste really cause we either sit In or I dont use the stuff I get and its left gathering dust, so I buy him clothes games ect petrol tho I admit not in the last few weeks cause my hours were cut but I landed back on my feet this week or 2 and ive a job interviewed lined with great money that ive a good chance in getting because ive done agency before in there

Hes just lazy hes been offered jobs before where family has gotten it or my dad offered but never took it up so he cant complain about that he has the opportunity just never took it

nadey

ShaShaBear wrote: »

So he can treat you as horribly as he likes and you will put up with it, as long as he doesn't sleep with someone else??

Yeah basically stupid I know but it hasn't always been like this so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt

I haven't been no angel my self not that im making excuses but when the argument dies over I admit when im wrong and apologies but he never does

hes the only man ive ever been with so this is the only way I know our parents had a rubbish relationship but his parents get on now to me this is normal behaviour

nadey

I know hes upset about the family stuff which I dont want to discuss but so have I but I dont believe in taking it out on other peopel it wouldnt solve anything just more stress

I haven't been able to tell him anything lately he doesnt know ive been offered a job he doesn't know I've been to other interview he stresses to much and questions why I didn't get the job when I used to tell him everything

ShaShaBear

So, he's lazy, doesn't like to spend money, is rude to you, is turning down work and is happy to let you take care of him despite the way he treats you??

I cannot even fathom why you stay with him - in fact I would actually assume the real reason you are still with him is because you're concerned about the dogs.

dellas1979

nadey wrote: »

its not as if we are struggling our home is paid every month our bills are paid and there food on the table...so I buy him clothes games ect petrol...Hes just lazy hes been offered jobs

Ummm what does he actually do?

Am not trying to provoke a reaction out of you, or insult you or him, but he sounds like a baby(man), and you are mammy role looking after him.

nadey

ShaShaBear wrote: »

So, he's lazy, doesn't like to spend money, is rude to you, is turning down work and is happy to let you take care of him despite the way he treats you??

I cannot even fathom why you stay with him - in fact I would actually assume the real reason you are still with him is because you're concerned about the dogs.

Lol they are my babies I just love him so much I actually can't imagine my life without him I guess its something I'll have to get used to

the doggies are mine I'd rather die than have them separated or leave me they were birthday presents from my mam and dad

The doggies are best friends as well one actually refuses to eat if the other is away and they both get so depressed without one anotherb

nadey

dellas1979 wrote: »

Ummm what does he actually do?

Am not trying to provoke a reaction out of you, or insult you or him, but he sounds like a baby(man), and you are looking after him.

Nothing

I cook I clean I work he collects hes dole he's going on a course next week that I applied for him and made him go to

ShaShaBear

nadey wrote: »

Nothing

I cook I clean I work he collects hes dole he's going on a course next week that I applied for him and made him go to

Um, does the Social Welfare office know you are living together? His claim should be assessed on your earnings, and if you are looking at getting a new job with more pay, he could lose his dole entirely.

You both are starting to sound oddly like a couple I met in Dundalk once.

nadey

I do look after him and I do baby him from day one i know this but ive always looked after people

I raised my brothers so much that they actually thought I was their mother and nasty rumours spread that my brothers were actually mine because they would call me mammy

I looked after my sick alcoholic mother while my dad worked long hour's and my job is to care for people with intellectual disability

I love caring and looking after people ive done it since im 9 or 10

Stavro Mueller

Have you considered that you're with your fiancé for all the wrong reasons? You've been together since you were little more than kids and perhaps this relationship has run its course? People change a lot in their teens/early twenties and maybe the two of you are too different now. Are you only staying together out of habit? A fear of being single for the first time as a mature adult? Because you're hung up on the idea that this lad, who you started going out with at 16 and is your first everything also has to be your last everything?

ShaShaBear

nadey wrote: »

I do look after him and I do baby him from day one i know this but ive always looked after people

I raised my brothers so much that they actually thought I was their mother and nasty rumours spread that my brothers were actually mine because they would call me mammy

I looked after my sick alcoholic mother while my dad worked long hour's and my job is to care for people with intellectual disability

I love caring and looking after people ive done it since im 9 or 10

Yes but do you see the main difference?
Everyone you have looked after, with the exception of your partner, actually needed your help.
If my partner tried to coddle me like you are doing to your's, I would have to tell him to stop. I would feel obliged to tell him to start spending money on himself, going out to enjoy himself more, and to stop spending all his money on me.
Your partner doesn't seem to mind you looking after him, which is something that no healthy, grown man should be content with for so long.

dellas1979

nadey wrote: »

Nothing

I cook I clean I work he collects hes dole he's going on a course next week that I applied for him and made him go to

I am really really stunned (and a bit dissapointed) to learn that a person, who seems to want better for herself career-wise, works hard, and who seems very clever and well able to do things for herself, doesnt want something better for herself in her relationship...other than to mother a guy/look after him.

From your point of view, I would not have an ounce of respect for someone who was, in every sense possible, bleeding me dry.

From his point of view, I would not have an ounce of respect for someone who pays/does everything EVERYTHING, bar wipe my arse for me.

nadey

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Um, does the Social Welfare office know you are living together? His claim should be assessed on your earnings, and if you are looking at getting a new job with more pay, he could lose his dole entirely.

You both are starting to sound oddly like a couple I met in Dundalk once.

Lol well thats not us im agency so the work comes and goes I just tell the social when I work I usually get the 39 hours na week

he used to work as security for his welfare but always complained and would call in sick he only applies for the job seekers that's it

nadey

dellas1979 wrote: »

I am really really stunned (and a bit dissapointed) to learn that a person, who seems to want better for herself career-wise, works hard, and who seems very clever and well able to do things for herself, doesnt want something better for herself in her relationship...other than to mother a guy/look after him.

From your point of view, I would not have an ounce of respect for someone who was, in every sense possible, bleeding me dry.

From his point of view, I would not have an ounce of respect for someone who pays/does everything EVERYTHING, bar wipe my arse for me.

He does pay for some things like the car but then again he doea expect his parents to help and leaves hints for.them

just realised every question ive answered I make an excuse :-(

ShaShaBear

nadey wrote: »

Lol well thats not us im agency so the work comes and goes I just tell the social when I work I usually get the 39 hours na week

he used to work as security for his welfare but always complained and would call in sick he only applies for the job seekers that's it

I can't see how you can work 39 hours per week in a well-paying job and he still gets social welfare. If I move in with my partner tomorrow, I get cut from €188 to €65, and he wouldn't earn as much as a carer or nurse would!!

You're never going to get anywhere in life if you spend all your progress and money babysitting him. Tell him to get a job or get out, see how he reacts.

nadey

cymbaline wrote: »

Have you considered that you're with your fiancé for all the wrong reasons? You've been together since you were little more than kids and perhaps this relationship has run its course? People change a lot in their teens/early twenties and maybe the two of you are too different now. Are you only staying together out of habit? A fear of being single for the first time as a mature adult? Because you're hung up on the idea that this lad, who you started going out with at 16 and is your first everything also has to be your last everything?

yeah I know but it never used to be as bad as it is now

we used to go out have fun and act like the everyday couple

If our family problems wasn't as bad ad they were now I can't help think that we would be the happy lovely couple that we used to be

nadey

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I can't see how you can work 39 hours per week in a well-paying job and he still gets social welfare. If I move in with my partner tomorrow, I get cut from €188 to €65, and he wouldn't earn as much as a carer or nurse would!!

You're never going to get anywhere in life if you spend all your progress and money babysitting him. Tell him to get a job or get out, see how he reacts.

I know it sounds strange the social just never cut him he doesn't apply for any other benefits so maybe that's why and because the welfare just asks what days I work and not hours

dellas1979

nadey wrote: »

just realised every question ive answered I make an excuse :-(

I am so glad to hear you copped that (you are a clever yoke as previously said)

Youve been in role(s) of carer for sooooo long, and in many difficult situations. And that is beyond commendable.

But you've mis-interpreted your role as "partner" in the relationship. Its not currently 2 people who are partners. You are the primary "care-giver". Youve almost a distorted view of "caring" and being a partner.

Probably from day dot. And you were so young when you met. And you dont know any different, but you know, deep down, it doesnt feel right (hence your post).

I really think you need a little bit of help yourself understanding why you give so much, if not all, of yourself away. And why you think thats ok.

nadey wrote: »

If our family problems wasn't as bad ad they were now I can't help think that we would be the happy lovely couple that we used to be

That has NOTHING to do with whats going on.

ShaShaBear

nadey wrote: »

I know it sounds strange the social just never cut him he doesn't apply for any other benefits so maybe that's why and because the welfare just asks what days I work and not hours

But the days you work doesn't come into it for his payment. He is assessed on your weekly income, not how often you are in work. Something is not right there, however, it isn't the issue.

The issue is that he is happy to claim the dole and scrounge off you and not get a job. What is the point in forcing him to do a course - he'll just be a qualified dole bum then.

Czarcasm

nadey wrote: »

He basically says im not 5years old anymore and birthdays mean **** I told him I was writing this up and im going to show him all these posts

nadey wrote: »

I haven't been able to tell him anything lately he doesnt know ive been offered a job he doesn't know I've been to other interview he stresses to much and questions why I didn't get the job when I used to tell him everything

He'll know soon enough!


Honestly OP I've seen a lot of people in relationships like yours, and the one lucky thing right now is that you actually don't have any children.

Your boyfriend is taking full advantage of the need you feel to take care of other people. He's a miserable, tight, selfish git, and you care far too much. You allowed the situation to develop where he rides on your coat tails, takes advantage of everything, feels the world owes him a living, and you're too blinded by your own caring nature to accept that you're being treated like a doormat.

I'm actually glad he didn't buy you so much as an ice cream at the cinema because it seems to have triggered the reality check you so badly needed (or you wouldn't be here either!).

Every couple will have their fights, arguments, bad patches, but what you're doing is over-compensating for your own childhood. Have you any friends that are in relationships that you could look at?

Just because it's all you've ever known, doesn't mean it has to be all you'll ever know. I'd suggest you use this opportunity to really evaluate your own life and your own goals while you're still young enough to do it so that you don't end up in 20 years time broke, miserable, and still carrying that lump who's still taking advantage of you, simply because it's all you've ever known.

nadey

dellas1979 wrote: »

I am so glad to hear you copped that (you are a clever yoke as previously said)

Youve been in role(s) of carer for sooooo long, and in many difficult situations. And that is beyond commendable.

But you've mis-interpreted your role as "partner" in the relationship. Its not currently 2 people who are partners. You are the primary "care-giver". Youve almost a distorted view of "caring" and being a partner.

Probably from day dot. And you were so young when you met. And you dont know any different, but you know, deep down, it doesnt feel right (hence your post).

I really think you need a little bit of help yourself understanding why you give so much, if not all, of yourself away. And why you think thats ok.



That has NOTHING to do with whats going on.

I just love him so much it's like the day we fist met I get excited and butterflies in my tummy and I would love for us to get through this bad stage in our lives and get married settle down with children

I have to admit when im wrong though without making the excuses im no angel but when im wrong im wrong and said nasty stuff back to him but the difference is I apologise when im wrong how ever I hate to admit it

I dont want the relationship to end we made a commitment when we got engaged and I believe in fighting for it

Czarcasm

nadey wrote: »

I just love him so much it's like the day we fist met I get excited and butterflies in my tummy and I would love for us to get through this bad stage in our lives and get married settle down with children

I have to admit when im wrong though without making the excuses im no angel but when im wrong im wrong and said nasty stuff back to him but the difference is I apologise when im wrong how ever I hate to admit it

I dont want the relationship to end we made a commitment when we got engaged and I believe in fighting for it

The more you try NOT to be like your own parents OP, the more you're inevitably going to end up EXACTLY like them.

You're compromising every time and giving in, just to avoid confrontation, and it's clearly making you miserable. Do you ever imagine you might be happier with someone who actually encouraged you and shared your ambition and worked just as hard as you do to make the relationship work?

Stavro Mueller

I wonder are you clinging on desperately to this relationship because of how bad things were at home?

dellas1979

nadey wrote: »

I dont want the relationship to end we made a commitment when we got engaged and I believe in fighting for it

Ok-all hats off.

I dont think you have a relationship in a partnership sense.

But what I think doesnt matter.

If you are happy for a guy to live off you, and feel proud or whatever, thats fine.

But you are on here coming out with dribs and drabs of "he didnt buy me/complained about buying me an ice cream but I paid for a trip to Puerto Rico". Only through questioning you, its now obvious your boyfriend is living off you, quite badly, and you are not batting an eye lid. The excuses are coming thick and fast.

I find it utterly fascinating how well you deflect everything. Keep the rose tinted glasses on. And not only are you deflecting on to other people (such as issues in his family) but deflect onto yourself.

The issues run far far deeper than anyone can advise on here. And my final word on this thread is get yourself some help/support to figure out why you give so much of yourself away, when you get so so so so so little in return.

All the best.

Stavro Mueller

nadey wrote: »

Because i madly and deeply love him im head over heels hes the only man ive ever been with my first everything been with him since im 16, we have two doggies together which is like our children to us, even after 6 years he still gives me butterfiles when I see him, we used to be able to talk about everything and anything he obviously doesn't feel the same, I would only ever leave if he cheated, looks like ive just wasted 6 and half years of my life

You know what? I think Dellas1979 is right. You say you love him despite him treating you like sh!t. You've said you'll not leave him unless he cheats. Are we all wasting our time?

nadey

Czarcasm wrote: »

The more you try NOT to be like your own parents OP, the more you're inevitably going to end up EXACTLY like them.

You're compromising every time and giving in, just to avoid confrontation, and it's clearly making you miserable. Do you ever imagine you might be happier with someone who actually encouraged you and shared your ambition and worked just as hard as you do to make the relationship work?

That's what he used to be like though we would talk about it all the time hes just changed since the family issues has happened

what I just feel will they get better or worse once whats going on will happen can he move on and finish his degree and start the life we always wanted or is he forever stuck in this runt his in now will he ever get over the situation

worst of all is he doesn't open up about his feelings he thinks it's gay and girly to talk about stuff like that he feels its not manly and he looks weak

daisybelle2008

OP, with all due respect if you are never going to leave him despite how badly he treats you,then really this thread is going to go a round in circles, with you basically blogging moans & whinges about him, but defending the situation when anything constructive is offered.
For what it's worth nothing kills love and passion than someone who lets you walk all over them and doesn't have standards for how you treat them. All your mothering, smothering and Molly coddling is backfiring and probably killed his desire for you.

strandroad

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, with all due respect if you are never going to leave him despite how badly he treats you,then really this thread is going to go a round in circles, with you basically blogging moans & whinges about him, but defending the situation when anything constructive is offered.
For what it's worth nothing kills love and passion than someone who lets you walk all over them and doesn't have standards for how you treat them. All your mothering, smothering and Molly coddling is backfiring and probably killed his desire for you.

Very true. OP, he learned to get everything from you like from a parent and he's acting like a spoiled, rude teenage son towards you. You're not his partner, you're his mother or older sister who provides and comforts, but gets no respect back. The day he meets someone who excites him is the day he will leave you behind without as much as a backwards glance.

skerka91

Sorry to hear about your situation, but from what you've been saying it seems as if he is taking all his emotions out on you and doesn't appreciate you at all.
The worst thing to do now is to give in when he clearly is in the wrong, it's going to sap all your confidence and sense of yourself in the relationship. Maybe by standing your ground and calling a break on the relationship for a while,even a week without contact, tell him your so upset by the situation and that you need time to be by yourself, take charge this time and see what his reaction is, this happened with me and my bf and since then he has realized how much the relationship means to him.your boyfriend has got too use to being spoil t and comforted by you, that he dosnt even see the thought and kindness that goes into all the little things you do for him, he just expects it,!!!
best of luck with whatever happens, you sound like a very loving and considerate person and if he dosnt see and show that back,someone else will.

Ciarabear

Dump

His

Ass!

You will look back in time and be very glad that you did

LegacyUser

I watched one of my friends in a relationship like yours.
She met this man (Paul) when she was studying in the Uk. During his training my friend helped him get work experience here in Ireland. When they were qualified they moved in together and then got engaged.

She put up with Paul's bad moods, him treating her friends badly and supported him in anything he wanted to do. She was like the mother he never had and he acted like a bold child when things were not going his way.
Eventually they came back to Ireland. They did not live together at this stage.
She helped him get work here in Ireland. He had a new group of friends and work was going well for both of them. A few weeks before the wedding he told her that he did not want to get married and left her to tell her parents. She had to cancel the hotel, church ect also.

My friend was very upset at the time but she went on to meet another man.
From the start of this relationship this man treated her with respect. He did not expect her to do everything he wanted or what suited him all of the time. He supported her when she was doing further part time study and was glad to meet her friends/family.
Also because he had a good job he could pay for night out, holidays and could afford to give her nice presents for birthdays, Christmas ect.
From very early on in the relationship I could see how happy she was when she was with him. A few years later they got married and now have a family.

I am telling you the above story to show that you can end this so called relationship with your boyfriend. Your doing all the giving and he is quite happy to keep taking from you.
After bring him on holiday he made no effort for your birthday. He is quite happy to have you paying the bills and putting up with his bad moods. Along with this he is always complaining about money due to the fact he is on the dole. Because he is not working your family and friends have told him about jobs which he has not bother to go for.
Why would he get a job when your working hard to pay the bills?

I would walk away from this man because long term if you stay with him you will have nothing. Do you want to own your own home? Do you want a family?
How will you afford to live if you are on maternity leave and he is still on the dole?

I would tell this man that your days of supporting him are over.
You sound like a nice woman and you deserve better than to be wasting your time with a man who is unwilling to grow up and has no regards for you.

osarusan

If you're saying that you'll never ever leave him unless he cheats, then what advice are you looking for?

Has he seen this thread, in which he can see that virtually everybody thinks he's in the wrong (and a pretty unpleasant person) but can also see you accepting a role as a doormat? He can see that he can treat you however he likes, and you'll accept it.

Is that what you want hime to take from this thread?

jlm29

OP, when I was your age, I was in a "relationship" where I was treated very badly. My bf basically acted like he was single, but had me to come back to whenever he liked. He could go to a hurling match on a Sunday and come back on a Tuesday. He wouldn't answer the phone if he didn't feel like it, there'd be no communication at all. He'd go out with his friends even he wanted, but never with me. I'd often be out with my friends, hoping he'd show up at the end of the night, waiting to pick up what ever crumbs of time/love he'd give me.
In our years together, I never got a birthday present. He came to my grad ball, but for the weeks building up to it, I was so so nervous, because I had every confidence he wouldn't bother turning up. He never made any attempt to get to know my family or friends. We went away for a weekend once in the time we were together, and he insisted he had to come home after one night, because he had to work (he worked in a pub, and it was the birthday of one of his colleagues).
Now, we had good times too, lots of them (usually midweek, I might add). He had some really good points, and when things were good, I did love being with him.
I was the queen of making excuses. There's too many to list, but I had one for everything he did.
Why am i telling you all this? Basically its so you see that everything was on his terms. And the reason? Because I let him. It was my first serious relationship, and I didn't realise how abnormal it was, I thought I was absolutely head over heels in love with him. I didnt know any better really. id never been in a decent relationship, so i didnt know it was all wrong. I thought we were going to get married, and have babies, and be together. I thought he'd change, and be a bit more stable, but he never did. Because he knew he didn't need to. He knew I'd put up with that s**t, collect him from the pub, and then be pathetically grateful because he'd spend his hangover days with me, gathering his wits to do it all next weekend. He established all this very early on, and then did all of the above over and over.
It ended OP, when he went on a two week lads holiday (booked and paid for before it was even mentioned to me), and came home with a few fridge magnets, a lovely sun tan, and a new girlfriend. Waited a few weeks before letting me know- probably thought I wouldn't mind. Denied anything ever happened while he was away, but I'd seen enough light by then not to find out. Now the interesting thing is, that his girlfriend was living a few hours away, and even though he had no car, he'd see her most weekends. Bus, train, whatever it took. They used go for weekends away, on holidays, days out, etc etc. (I'm not a stalker, I'm friends with his sister, so I heard this from her). He had it in him all the time, but there was no need to act like he was in a relationship when he was with me, because I didn't seem to mind either way. Obviously, he figured out from the start that she was worth it/wouldn't put up with anything else.
I don't know are they still together -I used get the odd text about how he still wanted to be with me, blah, blah.

My main point op, is that all of this seemed ok, because I didn't know any better. I was afraid I'd be on my own forever if I ended it. I thought I was in love, but it wasn't proper love. There was physical desire, and there was passion, and there was a sense of "fitting together", but it wasn't love. I've known real love now, and it's so different. I wouldn't give back my earlier disastrous relationship for anything. I learned a lot from it, I figured out how I should be treated. But I thank my lucky stars that my ex went on that holiday, and that I saw sense.

Chara1001

I'm going to be really harsh op,

You have very valid grievances here, but when people try to get you to question things, its just excuse after excuse after excuse. I have to say he sounds desperately unhappy and you're clinging onto him for dear life.

You say its been 6 years, thats a long time. I don't know what ages you are now but he should be an independent, self sufficient man, who has his bad points but generally gets on with things.

Why isn't he this? why is he still a greedy, stroppy, moody teenager with what looks like a bleak future? Is it because you did so much for him it stopped him from doing it himself? Did you prevent him from having his own responsibilities? It seems to me that you're ignoring the advice telling you to look after yourself but think about it- you haven't helped him at all if you have stopped him from growing up.

If i'm wrong, please accept my apologies, i'm not trying to be insulting but it's just a point that came to mind

Stavro Mueller

I'm not suggesting that breaking up is the only solution but when you're coming from a position as entrenched as yours, there isn't much wriggle room, is there? On another thread very recently, someone commented that people sometimes break up with their partners even though they're in love with them. It can be because they're abusive, they won't commit, they're cheating etc.

Long term relationships can go off the rails after a happy early start and this bears all the hallmarks of one where this has happened. Whether you like it or not, you and him are different people now to what you were like when you got together. The lives of two 16 year old kids are different to the lives of two young adults starting out in the world. Sometimes the two people can grow together and stay on the same page. More often than not, they change so much as people that what brought them together at 16 isn't there at 21 or 22. You were happy before but the truth is you're not happy now. You're being treated very badly but you have given him licence to do this. He knows you're not going to leave so he's free to do what he wants.

Unless both people are willing to work on their relationship and keep it between the ditches, you're at nothing. I'm not seeing anything here that makes it look like the two of you are pulling in the one direction. You're more or less hauling him along in your wake but getting no thanks for it. Well, not unless there's something in it for him. I bet he didn't quibble one bit when you whisked him off on that all-expenses paid jaunt for his birthday... You need to think very long and hard about where this is going. Forget about how happy you were in the early days - those rose-tinted glasses are doing you no good. Accept that as things stand your relationship has turned to crap and that either your fiancé changes his ways or you have to make some decisions. Seeing as his default action is to scream at you, ignore you, tell you that you're childish, refuse to go to counselling etc. I don't hold out much hope. You can blog and moan about him until the cows come home but unless something changes you're in for a rough ride. Whatever else you do in the short to medium term, DO NOT bring kids into the equation.

Boombastic

nadey wrote: »

Nothing

I cook I clean I work he collects hes dole he's going on a course next week that I applied for him and made him go to

You applied and made him go? ? It doesn't mean he wants to do it. I find that bizarre. Why did you feel the need to organise this for him?

A) because he is lazy, enjoys being a kept man and doesn't have the ability or desire to help himself


you need to be in control


A good relationship needs input from 2 people.