need opinions over division of labour!!

highly1111

Hi

We have 3 children - 4, 17 months and 7 weeks old. I'm basically exclusively breastfeeding the 7 weeks old - she will take a rare bottle if necessary but don't really have time to express. Also, it takes far far longer to bottle feed her than breastfeed her so it's much more convenient for her to be breastfed.

The issue is weekday mornings. The baby will generally sleep until 6ish from 11.30pm/midnight. I then feed her and go back to sleep. The 17 month old will wake at about 7 and once he's up he's up! he can be a bit of a screamer until he's then taken out of the cot which is understandable - he sleeps 12 hours so is ready to get up! He generally wakes the 4 year old who is in good form in the mornings. The 17 month old take a cup of milk which he feeds himself.

The issue is that my husband is of the opinion that I should be getting up with the kids from 7am (so basically from 6am) as he can't get up and mind them whilst getting ready for work. I disagree with this and think that he can of course - after all I have to get ready for the day with them. I think he should get up and I'll try and have a little lie on after doing the early morning feed until he has to go to work. The older 2 are good kids. The bigger lad will watch tv and the little guy just potters around. All he has to do is change the 17 month old's nappy and microwave the cup of milk.

Anyway, we had a massive row this morning as my husband feels that I should be getting up with the kids. I think that he should be pulling his weight more with the older two.

it sounds so silly writing it all down but we had the row of all rows about it this morning. What drives me really mad is that he doesn't go to bed until about 1/1.30am every night/morning and then can barely get out of bed in the morning and when I ask him to go into the 17 month old he looks at me as if i'm completely useless - even though I've just fed the baby!!

Anyway, apparently i'm being completely irrational and maybe I am - I just wanted to come in here and get some advice as I was told this morning that he's "not spending the rest of his ****ing life getting up earlier than me" despite the fact that I'm the one doing all the night (now early morning) feeds.

edited to say he leaves for work at 8am so I'd be obviously be up then anyway and also it seems extra infuriating because in a few weeks we'll all have to be up at 7 as the 4 year old will be starting school so we'll all have to be up, dressed and ready to go at 8am.

Thanks everyone.

aaakev

Have to say i read the first half of your post and thought you were over reacting then after reading the second part he sounds like he is being a dick!

Im up about 7 for work in the mornings, i always have breckfast so get the kids breckfast ready while im makin mine and get the younger lad dressed if they are up before i leave at 8, other half always has their school clothes ready the night before on the end of the beds. Works pretty well

pwurple

7 weeks old. Jesus, you're barely recovered yourself. You're doing all the night feeds and he won't change one kids nappy in the morning?

Tell him to cop onto himself and go to bed earlier until the new baby is weaned at least.

He's not a teenager, and you're not his mammy as well. He shouldn't even need telling to pull his weight.

Change is stressful though, so maybe not roar it at him. I had divorced my husband several times mentally in the first few months until he got into the swing of it.

nicowa

You're not being irrational. I have one kid (19 mths old) and am currently 40 weeks pregnant. But even before I got pregnant himself would get up, either before or after his shower, bring the baby in (while showering or dressing) and then bring her down with him for breakfast. I know it's only 1 kid so much easier for him.

But when you've a 7 week old baby + two other kids to care for all day, I don't think asking for the extra hour in the morning is out of order. Especially if you have to be up with the baby 'til 11 and he'd choosing to be up till 1am. If they're that easy to mind in the first hour of the morning then push for it. Talk to him, show him that staying up 'til all hours is his choice, but he also choose marriage and kids and he has to make that part of his day too.

And it's not simply about the extra hour in bed. They're his kids too and he needs to be involved in their day to day care too. Especially if he's out of home for most of the day. The 3 hours (depending on bedtimes) he spends with them are very important.

And, like the dad that posted above, my partner gets up and has breakfast with our little one. It's not a huge effort to put into the morning. The way forward is rational conversation though. I don't think another blazing row will solve it... :P Or maybe it will, each to their own.

ash23

I think that you should both be up 5 mornings a week, both helping get the kids sorted (but if he is on his way out to work then he has more of a time constraint than you).
Assuming he has two days off a week then each one of you should get a lie in for one morning while the other gets up with the kids.

It's not as simple as him "just giving the toddler a cup of milk and changing his nappy". The children have to be supervised and he would be trying to get ready for work so that's difficult. And I can see why he would feel resentful if you were still in bed and he was up every morning. Also the exclusive feeding won't last forever and a better routine would have to be established.

I can understand that you are both under pressure as you have small kids but don't take each other for granted. He should appreciate what you do but equally you should appreciate that he works hard during the day also.

When I was with my ex we had one morning each a week where the other got up with the child.

Rachineire

He definitely needs to be helping out in the morning- you need a break before minding 3 young children all day and even though it's only an hour its something! His job surely isn't harder than minding 2 toddlers and a newborn while breastfeeding and recovering from birth. He needs a reality check. They are both your children 50/50 so shouldn't the care for them be as close to equal as is reasonable? My opinion anyway.

NapoleonInRags

Just a quick male perspective - I have two young kids with another one on the way. I leave for work at 7.20am in the morning and don't get back home until 7 in the evening.

I have never had a problem with either doing night feeds or getting up earlier for feeds/nappy changes - and I won't when our new arrival gets here. In fact my wife and I normally take turns with the night feeds which works out very well. It seems reasonable for me to get up a bit earlier in the morning as I'm getting up for work anyway.

Let's face it, the night feeds / early mornings don't last forever and as a father I think its important to be involved in this part of bringing up a kid as much as any other part.

I can't understand your husband's perspective on this to be honest - it seems very selfish.

hoodwinked

Just another opinion, we have 1 four year old so while not the same,


my husband has to leave for work at 7.30, so we operate a if she's awake he'll get her up make her breakfast and make sure she's ok and let me have a small lie in,

if she's not awake he'll continue on as normal getting ready for work,

on weekends, Saturday is my lie in, Sunday is his.

aaakev

Rachineire wrote: »

His job surely isn't harder than minding 2 toddlers and a newborn while breastfeeding and recovering from birth. He needs a reality check.

Thats a matter of opinion.... Iv had this conversation and nether of us would trade jobs because i wouldnt be able to have the kids all day and run the house, clean, cook dinners ect and she wouldnt be able to do my job so depending on his job you really cant say that....

Rosy Posy

I have three and one on the way, and when the second and third were born until when they started sleeping through at around 1year, my oh got the other kid(s) up and breakfasted and dressed if he had time while I slept in. We never used bottles so the night feeds were all me. On the weekends we'd have one lie in each day. I literally couldn't have survived without this as none of my kids were great sleepers. You might find the book/site Babyproofing Your Marriage helpful in communicating this to your oh.
http://www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/

Rosy Posy

ash23 wrote: »

I think that you should both be up 5 mornings a week, both helping get the kids sorted (but if he is on his way out to work then he has more of a time constraint than you).
Assuming he has two days off a week then each one of you should get a lie in for one morning while the other gets up with the kids.

It's not as simple as him "just giving the toddler a cup of milk and changing his nappy". The children have to be supervised and he would be trying to get ready for work so that's difficult. And I can see why he would feel resentful if you were still in bed and he was up every morning. Also the exclusive feeding won't last forever and a better routine would have to be established.

I can understand that you are both under pressure as you have small kids but don't take each other for granted. He should appreciate what you do but equally you should appreciate that he works hard during the day also.

When I was with my ex we had one morning each a week where the other got up with the child.

With all due respect, there's a world of difference between one child and three. Also the op has a seven week old. For the first three months you need all the help you can get and there's no sleeping while the baby sleeps in the day when you've got a 4year old that doesn't nap.

Also I don't agree with what you're saying about exclusive breast feeding being temporary. It's best for the child to be exclusively breastfed up to 6months and thereafter breastfed with supplementary solid food to at least a year. This means that the op could conceivably be taking full responsibility for night feeds for the next nine or ten months. If she chooses to do so it will be in the best interest of their child and she deserves support in this. Also demand feeding is best during the first three months, there shouldn't be pressure on the op to establish a routine too quickly, she should be more concerned with establishing breastfeeding and forming secure attachment.

ash23

Rosy Posy wrote: »

With all due respect, there's a world of difference between one child and three. Also the op has a seven week old. For the first three months you need all the help you can get and there's no sleeping while the baby sleeps in the day when you've got a 4year old that doesn't nap.

Also I don't agree with what you're saying about exclusive breast feeding being temporary. It's best for the child to be exclusively breastfed up to 6months and thereafter breastfed with supplementary solid food to at least a year. This means that the op could conceivably be taking full responsibility for night feeds for the next n

OP asked for opinions, I gave mine. I have one child yes. But I am parenting totally alone and I work full time and I have multiple sclerosis. So don't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about because you perceive me to have it "easier" based on number of children.

You don't have to agree with what I say but don't dismiss what I am saying on the basis that I have one child. Other people have posted here about having one child but you've not dismissed their opinions because of it.

lazygal

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting him to lend a hand for the morning routine. Sure at seven weeks breastfeeding is still getting established. We're due number two and there'll be a small enough age gap. My husband and me are a team. Sure he has to get himself out to work, but we'll have two kids and that has to be taken into account. I'll need him to get breakfast sorted and possibly get the older one up for the day. I'll be doing my share, dinner will be sorted and the home kept going while I'm at home, but when both of us are there mornings and evenings I don't think I'm expecting too much for him to take on some domestic jobs. Otherwise I'd be working a 24 hour day, while he'd be expecting to have the exact same down time as before we had children. That's not doable long term.


I'm realistic. Being at home means I can take a nap and put my feet up when baby sleeps. But at the same time, my husband can't simply get up. go to work, come home and switch off like he could before kids were in the picture. I can't either, when I'm at work. We also do the one morning lie in each on Saturday and Sunday, so no one can say they never get sleep. I think that's only fair.

highly1111

OP here - really quick post before I have to tend to a crying baby!!!

Just wanted to confirm 2 things. first of all we do take turns at the weekend. always have. always will. we both love our sleep (hence this argument!!) secondly, he is an amazing dad and pulls a massive amount of weight when he's home - the minute he walks in the door he's hands on and regularly takes the older 2 out at the weekends so I'm at home with just the baby and if I want a break/night out there's never a problem with it (problem with that is that even if we leave a bottle i'm too tired to do anything!!)

I don't think i'm being unreasonable but obviously my husband feels differently - he's said he'd rather do night feeds than get up early with the boys. however, my argument with that is that when he has done the 2 night feeds he did I ended up waking up and waking him to get him to tend to the baby and she was roaring by that stage. she was having a complete meltdown by the time the bottle was prepared, then fought the bottle and the whole thing was a nightmare from start to finish - I really think he's "offering" to do that feed because the reality is we all know that it's far easier for me to do it and he knows i'm not going to take him up off it. The thing is he just seems to be able to sleep through the kids and so no matter what the agreement is the night before I always wake and then have to wake him.....

thanks again for all the opinions and advice. hoping divorce can be averted ;-)

Rosy Posy

ash23 wrote: »

OP asked for opinions, I gave mine. I have one child yes. But I am parenting totally alone and I work full time and I have multiple sclerosis. So don't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about because you perceive me to have it "easier" based on number of children.

You don't have to agree with what I say but don't dismiss what I am saying on the basis that I have one child. Other people have posted here about having one child but you've not dismissed their opinions because of it.

I didn't mean to belittle your opinion or your parenting experience, and tried to be respectful in my post. I'm sorry if it didn't come across this way.

However, the situation you have outlined is totally different to that of the op's. I'm not saying one is easier than the other, just different and I do believe that from having had the experience of having one child and of having multiple children, they are qualitatively different. I have never had the experience of solo parenting, apart from briefly while my oh has been away on business/holiday, so I'm sure I'm scantly qualified to comment on that. The op is asking for advice on dealing with an issue of co-parenting within a multi-child family, with one stay-at-home parent which I and other posters have tried to give her. I didn't dismiss your opinion out of hand but you do appear to be the only poster who thinks that the op is being unreasonable and I think you might benefit from a little perspective.

ash23

Rosy Posy wrote: »

I didn't mean to belittle your opinion or your parenting experience, and tried to be respectful in my post. I'm sorry if it didn't come across this way.

However, the situation you have outlined is totally different to that of the op's. I'm not saying one is easier than the other, just different and I do believe that from having had the experience of having one child and of having multiple children, they are qualitatively different. I have never had the experience of solo parenting, apart from briefly while my oh has been away on business/holiday, so I'm sure I'm scantly qualified to comment on that. The op is asking for advice on dealing with an issue of co-parenting within a multi-child family, with one stay-at-home parent which I and other posters have tried to give her. I didn't dismiss your opinion out of hand but you do appear to be the only poster who thinks that the op is being unreasonable and I think you might benefit from a little perspective.

Did I say she was unreasonable? When? All I said was that as her husband has to be out by a certain time, he has time constraints in the morning so it's not as easy for him to be responsible for getting the kids organised as he is on a schedule in the mornings. Also that it's not just a matter of changing a nappy and heating milk. For example he couldn't go off and have a shower and a shave and leave the kids on their own in the morning.

OP has said in her subsequent posts that he is very good with the kids in the evenings and at weekends.
In my experience as a parent who has to get out for work in the mornings, it's quite stressful trying to get everything ready and organised while also trying to get yourself out the door by a certain time. So maybe I can also see it from the husbands side. I didn't realise one had to be in the exact situation of the OP for an opinion to be valid.

If someone spills milk or does a poo or has a tantrum or gets yogurt on your shirt, it can mean you are leaving a few mins later which in turn has a knock on effect in terms of traffic. Leaving five minutes later than usual can mean getting to work 25 mins later than usual. It's also not a great way to arrive into work, frazzled and stressed before you even deal with a customer.

I believe what I said was that they should both appreciate what the other person in the relationship does. He is out the door at 8am every day. I can see why he may feel resentful if he is up early 6 mornings out of 7, only getting one morning a week to not have to get the kids sorted. And I can see why OP would be stressed having to do all the night feeds.

But what's more important? Imo, the marriage is. So compromise is key. Perhaps they can do alternate weekdays so her husband has some mornings where he just has to get himself out the door.

LegacyUser

The issue is not about getting up and helping in the morning, but about getting up alone without help every morning including both Saturday and Sunday and not having time to get ready for work while supervising the children ensuring that are not too loud that they would wake the baby.

nicowa

I think part of the problem isn't simply that he's rushing out the door in the morning but that he deliberately stays up extremely late at night and is barely able to get himself sorted in the morning. A bit more cop on in that regard and he'd be able to help out in the mornings. Even if two mornings out of five OP ended up getting up to help I think she'd feel more rested, more supported.

Rosy Posy

ash23 wrote: »

For example he couldn't go off and have a shower and a shave and leave the kids on their own in the morning.

Of course he can. If the op is expected to get up and start her day with a newborn plus two other kids then so can he. I wouldn't have a problem leaving a 17month old with their 4yo sibling if they were fed and changes for 10mins while I had a shower- I know my house is set up so they can't get into anything really dangerous- but if you're not comfortable with that he can give the child her milk and bring her into the bathroom with him. I'm sure that's what the op and most sah parents need to do at some points.

ash23 wrote: »

In my experience as a parent who has to get out for work in the mornings, it's quite stressful trying to get everything ready and organised while also trying to get yourself out the door by a certain time. So maybe I can also see it from the husbands side. I didn't realise one had to be in the exact situation of the OP for an opinion to be valid.

If someone spills milk or does a poo or has a tantrum or gets yogurt on your shirt, it can mean you are leaving a few mins later which in turn has a knock on effect in terms of traffic. Leaving five minutes later than usual can mean getting to work 25 mins later than usual. It's also not a great way to arrive into work, frazzled and stressed before you even deal with a customer.

I believe what I said was that they should both appreciate what the other person in the relationship does. He is out the door at 8am every day. I can see why he may feel resentful if he is up early 6 mornings out of 7, only getting one morning a week to not have to get the kids sorted. And I can see why OP would be stressed having to do all the night feeds.

But what's more important? Imo, the marriage is. So compromise is key. Perhaps they can do alternate weekdays so her husband has some mornings where he just has to get himself out the door.

This could be solved or at least alleviated by her oh going to bed early and getting up early enough to factor all of this in. A new child means a change in the family dynamic and the transition time can be really tough. The OP is making sacrifices by taking exclusive responsibility for feeding the baby, and for night parenting. Her OH needs to make some sacrifices (his late nights and his lazy mornings) as well. From the OP it sounds like he wants to stay up late pottering about and, even though she has been up with the baby in the night, HE expects the lie in, just getting up on time to get himself together and get out the door. That doesn't seem fair and you're absolutely correct, what they need is a compromise. The problem seems to be that he is putting his secondary need (to stay up late having some alone time) with her basic, survival need (to have enough sleep to get through the day). By him prioritising his time in this way IMO he is the one jeopardising the marriage.

The thing is, it's not going to be forever- for the first three months it's all hands on deck and the goal is to get through it with the majority of your marbles. It's a time when you really need to pull together but sleep deprivation brings out the worst in everyone.

I found with my first child I did everything, I felt it was my duty as a SAHM. But with subsequent children I realised that that just wasn't possible. I believe that the role of a SAH parent is to look after the children while the oh is not there. Once the OH gets home from work the job is halved.

lazygal

Rosy Posy wrote: »

I found with my first child I did everything, I felt it was my duty as a SAHM. But with subsequent children I realised that that just wasn't possible. I believe that the role of a SAH parent is to look after the children while the oh is not there. Once the OH gets home from work the job is halved.

This. We're due number two shortly and it'll be a different kettle of fish to first time. There's the older one to get off to the minder and the baby to be minded as well. She's a great child and not much work at all, but who knows what'll happen with a newborn in the mix. It's not forever - our lass slept through from five months - but during that intense stage if there's more than one, you need to have some equal division of the home work when there's two adults in the picture. I'll have dinner ready and the house clean 90% of the time, the least I expect from my husband is to dig in with the children when he's home.

iguana

Is there any possibility of putting the older children to bed later in the evening and having them sleep from 8 to 8 instead of 7 to 7?

pwurple

iguana wrote: »

Is there any possibility of putting the older children to bed later in the evening and having them sleep from 8 to 8 instead of 7 to 7?

I thought of this too, but it's probably tricky enough to help 3 kids that young get dressed and fed at the same time on your own? I find it tough enough getting out the door with one in the morning.

Here I am at work tea-break though, noticing my hair is lopsided, I missed a bit of makeup on one eye, and my mum sent me a text asking why I have two different socks on the child. And two of us were there getting her sorted this morning. He did clothes and I did brekkie and packed her lunch.

Having them up early enough for someone to get them started for the day is probably really handy!

Hannibal Smith

Hah..we had similar words not so long ago. It was about the husband giving out about how tired he was...yet going to bed earlier is a crazy idea

We get up every second day with them. .so we take every day in turns.

But if I was exclusively breastfeeding a 7 week old and getting very little sleep...I would be expecting the husband to do more.

Hannibal Smith

ash23 wrote: »

OP asked for opinions, I gave mine. I have one child yes. But I am parenting totally alone andrk full time and I have multiple sclerosis. So don't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about because you perceive me to have it "easier" based on number of children.

You don't have to agree with what I say but don't dismiss what I am saying on the basis that I have one child. Other people have posted here about having one child but you've not dismissed their opinions because of it.

To be fair you did say your ex and you took turns looking after your child, suggesting there was 2:1 of you when your child was young. With the op its 1:3 all at very young ages and the op is awake at all hours feeding a 7 week old. So there is a bit of a difference.

ash23

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

To be fair you did say your ex and you took turns looking after your child, suggesting there was 2:1 of you when your child was young. With the op its 1:3 all at very young ages and the op is awake at all hours feeding a 7 week old. So there is a bit of a difference.

Other people said they had one child but I was the only person told I was basically not qualified to advise. Those other posters with one child weren't pulled to task over only having one child but I was.

I was a single parent when my child was a baby. I was in a relationship when she was a toddler and I've been single again for a number of years, working full time. I was parenting a newborn alone and working full time. I'm sure that not every person who is posting here is in the exact position that the OP is in.

Hannibal Smith

ash23 wrote: »

Other people said they had one child but I was the only person told I was basically not qualified to advise. Those other posters with one child weren't pulled to task over only having one child but I was.

I was a single parent when my child was a baby. I was in a relationship when she was a toddler and I've been single again for a number of years, working full time. I was parenting a newborn alone and working full time. I'm sure that not every person who is posting here is in the exact position that the OP is in.

You're not being singled out or told you're unqualified to comment. A new born plus 2 others is different to just one. Surely you can see that?

Either way...its about the op and her husband sharing the load.

ash23

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

You're not being singled out or told you're unqualified to comment. A new born plus 2 others is different to just one. Surely you can see that?

Either way...its about the op and her husband sharing the load.

Which is what I commented on and was told there was a world of difference between one child and three. Other people who have one child weren't told that. I felt my opinion was being invalidated because I have one child and I found it patronising. I was also told I needed a little perspective. I was told I said the op was being unreasonable which is not what I said at all.


Also I think that had I been agreeing with the majority, my having one child wouldnt have been an issue and my opinion would have been perfectly acceptable even though I am only a mother of one.

I was trying to show the op the issues the husband might be facing in the mornings and as a working parent who has to get a child and myself ready in the morning, im perfectly "qualified" to comment on why the husband might not feel it's fair to be getting the kids organised 6 mornings out of 7.

iguana

pwurple wrote: »

I thought of this too, but it's probably tricky enough to help 3 kids that young get dressed and fed at the same time on your own? I find it tough enough getting out the door with one in the morning.

But does the OP have to get them out the door by a certain point each morning? If not then adjusting the children's bedtimes and wake up times so that she gets the little extra sleep she needs and her husband gets the morning routine he wants could be a better solution than one partner 'winning' and the other feeling aggrieved.

Another solution could be one similar to the routine my parents had when we were kids. My Dad was always up an hour before we were and his routine was to bring my mum breakfast in bed before he left for work. That way she'd have 20 minutes to relax and eat before having to get us up, get us ready and bring us to school. She got a little extra sleep, a chance to wake up and eat and that way was better prepared to deal with getting 3 kids up. My Dad got to do what he wanted in the morning but went to a little extra effort to make my Mum's morning easier.

Rosy Posy

iguana wrote: »

Another solution could be one similar to the routine my parents had when we were kids. My Dad was always up an hour before we were and his routine was to bring my mum breakfast in bed before he left for work. That way she'd have 20 minutes to relax and eat before having to get us up, get us ready and bring us to school. She got a little extra sleep, a chance to wake up and eat and that way was better prepared to deal with getting 3 kids up. My Dad got to do what he wanted in the morning but went to a little extra effort to make my Mum's morning easier.

Your Dad sounds like a saint! What a lovely thing to do for your partner!

One of the things it says in that Babyproofing your Marriage book is that you both need to adjust your attitude so that instead of thinking what do I need for myself you're both thinking what does the other person need. It only works if your both on the same page! I thought it was great but my oh wouldn't read it . He's got a thing against self help books...

I don't know about the op's kids but my kids get up at the same time every morning regardless of when they go to bed, we've never been able to get them to have a lie in when they've had a late one if we've been out at a BBQ or whatever. On the plus side I can put them to bed at 6.30 on nights that my OH is working late without them being up before dawn.

highly1111

OP here. Thanks to everyone who replied and for all the feedback and suggestions. I like the one where I get breakfast in bed most!!! (sorry - I don't know how to multiple quote)

Putting the kids to bed later doesn't work for us - they still wake at 7ish. however, like Rosy Posy, we can put them down at 6.30pm or so if they are utterly exhausted and they won't wake earlier so every cloud......

we had a lot of "discussion" today - the core "agreement" is that he'll get up with older 2 and i'll have to be up at least 15 minutes before he leaves to give him a chance to get sorted. I think that that is totally fair - I just wish we didn't have to go through (almost) a divorce to come to this conclusion. He admitted that today was the first time he had really thought about it but I know he was just resenting me more and more as time went on.

In the last few months since our baby was born he has been up most weekends and before that he would have always gotten a really good lie in at the weekends when we just had 2 but since 2 became 3 and night feeds have been back I've been looking after the baby while he looks after the older 2 so his lie in's have completely gone and I suppose to conclude, although he's gotten less sleep, at least it's been unbroken yet I've gotten more "hours" in bed if that makes sense. Neither of us are good when we don't sleep and I think that often we don't appreciate everything that the other does. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have him and that he's an amazing dad but with the arrival of a new baby and all the tiredness and upheavel sometimes what is supposed to be the most special time can turn into the most argumentative as everyone tries to adjust.

one thing I still think he needs to work on is coming to bed earlier (as someone mentioned) because that is the crux of most of our arguments. Despite having a good diet and exercising regularly (well as much as someone with 3 kids under 4 can) I think that he's constantly exhausted. He claims that it's only really between 11-1am that he gets his "down time" but I think that if he got more sleep he wouldn't need as much "down time" - I think it's a vicious circle and that he really needs to go to bed earlier.

on the plus side, he gave the baby a bottle of formula earlier and she downed it! he admitted to me that he wants to spend more time with the baby as with me exclusively breastfeeding we've fallen into a habit of where i'll mind the baby and he'll mind the other 2 and that's not good either. of course the older 2 love it because they're stuck with me all day and are all over my husband when he comes in from work but on the flip side he's not really getting any quality time with the baby. so tonight I put the other 2 to bed and he gave her the bottle and after a little struggle she took it.

Finally to answer the question of how do I get ready for the day - the 4 year old gets to watch fireman sam, the baby is in her bouncer snoozing and unfortunately for me and the 17 year old he crawls into the bathroom and just stares at me while I shower!! he is my absolute shadow during the day and I do suppose that I find it hard as there's no "coffee break" and although I love love love being at home with the kids there are of course times when I would do anything to trade with my husband in order to get 5 minutes to myself - i'm jealous of his coffees, his constant adult company, his toilet trips with no audience, the fact he gets to read the newspapers whilst I actually genuinely sky plus the news so I don't feel like a complete idiot and I hate the fact that he comes home to a be-draggled, hassled, exhausted wife who hasn't had the time to have a cuppa, never mind put on a bit of make up. It's not that he gives a monkies about any of that - but I do - and I wish that I had more "me time" and "me energy" - i'm getting off topic now!! the 4 year old will be in school in a matter of weeks and I know things will ease up then.

thanks for listening and for the advice. Really appreciate you commenting and if you've made it to the end of this post - CONGRATULATIONS!!!

nicowa

Yes, I made it to the end of your post. I'm really glad ye were able to talk properly together. It really is the heart of the relationship. And I'm glad ye worked out a compromise. It sounds like a good solution.

Rosy Posy

Well done op! One of the biggest challenges of family life is that it's dynamic with everyone's needs constantly evolving and changing and you all need to be able to roll with the punches. The transition times are always going to be tough as everyone renegotiates their roles. Just remember the parenting mantra 'this too shall pass' (to remain only as a rose tinted memory!).

Hannibal Smith

Yes I read your whole post! Its bloody tough. ..I only have 2 but during the day I never get a minute. Ill make their lunch, have them fed and watered and finally sit down to mine. ..thatll be the time the 1 year old does a poo or the 4 year old wants me to look at a pic he's just done. ..or the two of them are fighting over the one ironman..even though we have 2 of them! Whenever I need to pee the four year old is suddenly bursting to go....or the one year old bursts in saying 'tinkle tinkle mum'.

It is non stop full on go all day...except when I get to sneak on here

nesf

nicowa wrote: »

I think part of the problem isn't simply that he's rushing out the door in the morning but that he deliberately stays up extremely late at night and is barely able to get himself sorted in the morning. A bit more cop on in that regard and he'd be able to help out in the mornings. Even if two mornings out of five OP ended up getting up to help I think she'd feel more rested, more supported.

You're assuming he can sleep early. Some people cannot do this (I am one, without sleeping tablets sleeping before 1am hasn't happened outside of illness in 15 years). Also, the idea that someone can get ready for work with kids up is fine if it's a 4 year old but with a kid younger than 2 that's not an option. Going out of earshot and into the shower with a child that young is really not doable and you're unlikely to get them to stay in the bathroom or just outside the door if their older sibling is downstairs watching TV.

nicowa

nesf wrote: »

You're assuming he can sleep early. Some people cannot do this (I am one, without sleeping tablets sleeping before 1am hasn't happened outside of illness in 15 years). Also, the idea that someone can get ready for work with kids up is fine if it's a 4 year old but with a kid younger than 2 that's not an option. Going out of earshot and into the shower with a child that young is really not doable and you're unlikely to get them to stay in the bathroom or just outside the door if their older sibling is downstairs watching TV.

With a kid younger than 2 is is an option as my husband does it everyday. I keep her while he showers and then he takes her for breakfast. I wasn't talking out of my behind...

I don't know about the sleeping. But - and I don't know you're situation - my husband has gone from sleeping from 1am (pre kids) to 5am and feeling fine, to needing much more sleep now. Yes, I'm basing my assumptions on my own experience. But I only offering advice based on what I know.

Anyway, OP has gotten it sorted so I'll leave it there.

RubyGirl

Op I think you should tell your husband your going to get up with the kid's every morning from now on. Tell him you are going to change the child over to a bottle and you are going to do the last feed at 9 and then go to bed. Your husband is going to do the last night feed seen as he is up until 1.30am. Watch how quickly he'll change his tune.

He's being selfish, tell him to go to bed at a decent hour and he wont be so wrecked in the morning.

nesf

nicowa wrote: »

With a kid younger than 2 is is an option as my husband does it everyday. I keep her while he showers and then he takes her for breakfast. I wasn't talking out of my behind...

Is the OP waking and taking the kids? No. They want to sleep. That's what I'm pointing out as not workable. If they're willing to be half awake and keep an eye on the kid in the bedroom then that's meeting the other parent half-way and pretty much the foundation of not killing each other for the first few years of having kids.

nicowa

nesf wrote: »

Is the OP waking and taking the kids? No. They want to sleep. That's what I'm pointing out as not workable. If they're willing to be half awake and keep an eye on the kid in the bedroom then that's meeting the other parent half-way and pretty much the foundation of not killing each other for the first few years of having kids.

She's not meeting him half-way? That's laughable. She's up during the night feeding the 7 week old and he's grouching about waking up a bit earlier so he has time to shower and change a nappy.

I don't want to keep arguing here as she says they have reached a compromise that suits them. But you seem to think she has to meet him half way, why can't he be the one meeting her half way?

nesf

nicowa wrote: »

She's not meeting him half-way? That's laughable. She's up during the night feeding the 7 week old and he's grouching about waking up a bit earlier so he has time to shower and change a nappy.

I don't want to keep arguing here as she says they have reached a compromise that suits them. But you seem to think she has to meet him half way, why can't he be the one meeting her half way?

Are you deliberately trying to misinterpret me? I'm saying it's essentially impossible to get some kinds of morning tasks done with a young toddler when they're distracted by an older sibling doing stuff and won't stay put. Most of us have tried to juggle a critical part of cooking dinner (can't leave stove) with a young toddler and know this to be true.

I'm not saying that he's being reasonable elsewhere in the day. I'm saying he's right about the morning. He could be going out and getting hammered drunk every evening after work and he'd still be right that showering and shaving can't be done if there's a young toddler running free downstairs. He'd still be a muppet, and she could demand quid-pro-quo in exchange for some half-awake childminding in the morning, but he'd be right about the morning routine.

nicowa

nesf wrote: »

Are you deliberately trying to misinterpret me? I'm saying it's essentially impossible to get some kinds of morning tasks done with a young toddler when they're distracted by an older sibling doing stuff and won't stay put. Most of us have tried to juggle a critical part of cooking dinner (can't leave stove) with a young toddler and know this to be true.

I'm not saying that he's being reasonable elsewhere in the day. I'm saying he's right about the morning. He could be going out and getting hammered drunk every evening after work and he'd still be right that showering and shaving can't be done if there's a young toddler running free downstairs. He'd still be a muppet, and she could demand quid-pro-quo in exchange for some half-awake childminding in the morning, but he'd be right about the morning routine.

I did actually agree on the showering bit. But looking back over the OPs reply, 4 year old distracted by telly, baby snoozing and 17 mth old in bathroom while she showers. I only have the toddler, but most of my showers happen with her in the bathroom with me. At one stage while in the bathtub with me.

Mum can get it done, but dad can't? That seems to how it comes out anyway. And yes, you can say she has plenty of time. Back to my argument that he's dragging himself out of bed late every morning.

Apologies to the OP. I know you've it sorted. I don't want to be dragging this thread out so I won't be responding again.

To close, it's about the fact that some people can and will multitask with kids and some won't. While my husband does the mornings he's also unable to multitask with her at any other point, eg making her bottle is a solo endeavour (with me minding baby) while I've often had to do it while holding a very impatient baby. You learn to cope with what you're working with.

Moonbeam

That sounds like a nice compromise.
Mine are 4,2 and 7 months so more manageable ages but in the 1st few weeks the tiredness is definitely the hardest.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, I'd suggest two things - one is that he could do most of his morning prep the night before e.g. I shower and shave last thing at night with clothes lined up so in the morning I'm dressed and out the door in five minutes.

Otherwise stick to the current routine but you take off some time for yourself in the evening to rest or whatever, you take on the morning and he the evening.

nesf

nicowa wrote: »

I only have the toddler, but most of my showers happen with her in the bathroom with me. At one stage while in the bathtub with me.

This was my point. With my kids anyway, and from most parents I've spoken to, you can get the toddler to stay in the bathroom with you when it's just you two in the house but as soon as an older sibling is downstairs doing something they just won't stay put for you, they want to go where the action is.

What we found going from one kid to two was the issue wasn't what the toddler would do on their own but what the toddler did when the older kid was around. They won't go to bed for you because they want to go and play with their brother/sister (including waking up and going into the other bedroom to wake up their sibling on school nights). If their sibling is getting to watch TV they want to watch TV but you can't trust them to just watch TV and not get themselves into trouble.

I completely understand what you're saying and I agree completely about both the need for compromise overall and some people being unable to multitask with children. I just think it's pretty reasonable to ask for help with a 4 year old and a young toddler in the morning when you have things that have to get done. It's equally reasonable for the other parent to ask for some extra help in some other part of the day as compensation for the lost sleep.

100200 shih

ash23 wrote: »

Other people said they had one child but I was the only person told I was basically not qualified to advise. Those other posters with one child weren't pulled to task over only having one child but I was.

I was a single parent when my child was a baby. I was in a relationship when she was a toddler and I've been single again for a number of years, working full time. I was parenting a newborn alone and working full time. I'm sure that not every person who is posting here is in the exact position that the OP is in.

Would you like a medal ? I was a single mum to 2 kids from when they where 1 & 3 for 5 year till I meet my husband. I remember, 1 time i ask my ex ( children dad ) to get up with the kids , I ended up in A&e with a broken nose , ( Yes I know this is not normal & this is the reason why I CHOSE to be a single mum) The mum here is breast feeding the baby she needs a Little more help ,not hearing how other mothers have suffer !

To the mum here , let him know, this stage doesn't last forever , It hard for both of ye but you both need each other , in a couple of year all this will be forgotten ! Sorry for going on , but I do wish someone could have told me all this 8 years ago but maybe I would not have believe that I would get some sleep !( lots of it now )

I do wish you all the best !

LegacyUser

When the baby gets a bit bigger find some thing to do one evening a week - slimming group, exercise class ect and get your husband to mind the children then.
For your own sake you need to have some time away from your children and spend some time in adult company. This gives you something to look forward to doing each week. Also keep in contact with friends and try to meet up every few weeks without the children.

Is there a baby/toddler group near you as this would get you out of the house one morning or afternoon a week. You could also make some new friends.
Also plan to go away for a night with a friend some Saturday night in the next 6-12 months and leave you children with your husband.
He will get a better idea of what your life is like if you do this.

It is hard being at home with small children full time.
Do you know that social welfare now allow stay at home mothers claim credits towards there own state pensions? from welfare.ie
People who leave the workforce for periods spent caring can have gaps in their insurance records which can affect their entitlement to a State Pension (Contributory) at age 66. The Homemaker's scheme, introduced in April 1994, allows for periods spent providing full-time care to children up to 12 years of age or an incapacitated person to be taken into account for pension purposes.It does not provide social welfare payments while homemaking.

Contact your local welfare office in regards to this.

Hello Lady!

iguana wrote: »

Another solution could be one similar to the routine my parents had when we were kids. My Dad was always up an hour before we were and his routine was to bring my mum breakfast in bed before he left for work. That way she'd have 20 minutes to relax and eat before having to get us up, get us ready and bring us to school. She got a little extra sleep, a chance to wake up and eat and that way was better prepared to deal with getting 3 kids up. My Dad got to do what he wanted in the morning but went to a little extra effort to make my Mum's morning easier.

aww my dad used to do that too! He would make my mam a cup of tea and a bit of toast and bring it up to her, and while she was having it and waking up, he would change my nappy and give me a bottle and put me in the bed with my mam. I would usually snooze in the bed with my mam for another 30 mins or so so she got a chance to recharge her batteries before she was with me on her own all day.

Maybe its a generational thing, but I think its lovely. I certainly hope my husband will do the same (although I am not getting my hopes up!).

Oral Slang

I think he's being unreasonable to be honest.

At the minute I do get up pretty much every morning with our 22 month old, but that's totally my decision. If I ever want to lie on, my other half would get up with her no problem before work. Most mornings I drop her into him while I go down & get our breakfast sorted. They watch videos on his phone until I'm ready to take her down.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant at the minute though, so I'd say that he'll be doing his fair share of mornings with our daughter once the new baby arrives. If the next one is anything like our first, then I'll be up numerous times a night breastfeeding and so will need any precious sleep I can get to allow me to function as a person for the day with a baby & a hyper toddler. As another poster said, breastfeeding isn't just for a certain period, I'm still feeding at 22 months (trying to wean before number 2) and up until I got pregnant, she was feeding twice & 3 times a night.

ash23

100200 shih wrote: »

Would you like a medal ? I was a single mum to 2 kids from when they where 1 & 3 for 5 year till I meet my husband. I remember, 1 time i ask my ex ( children dad ) to get up with the kids , I ended up in A&e with a broken nose , ( Yes I know this is not normal & this is the reason why I CHOSE to be a single mum) The mum here is breast feeding the baby she needs a Little more help ,not hearing how other mothers have suffer !

That's not very fair. My reply about my own situation was in response to being told that I only had one child and needed some perspective. I suggested the op and her husband compromise and was put down for having just one child. So I was stating my circumstances because it's not like one child means an easy life.

I suggest you take posts in the context they are meant. I mean, you just told your story. Do you want a medal?? :rolleyes:

Orion

Folks. Let's keep it civil please

100200 shih

ash23 wrote: »

That's not very fair. My reply about my own situation was in response to being told that I only had one child and needed some perspective. I suggested the op and her husband compromise and was put down for having just one child. So I was stating my circumstances because it's not like one child means an easy life.

I suggest you take posts in the context they are meant. I mean, you just told your story. Do you want a medal?? :rolleyes:

I have plenty of medals but thanks for the offer,
Im not looking for the poor me, just pointing out a fact that you were pointing out your illness & how it is so hard for you.I was telling my past to say we all have it hard in different ways , Also 1 child is a walk in the park compare to 3 in my opinion !

ash23

100200 shih wrote: »

I have plenty of medals but thanks for the offer,
Im not looking for the poor me, just pointing out a fact that you were pointing out your illness & how it is so hard for you.I was telling my past to say we all have it hard in different ways , Also 1 child is a walk in the park compare to 3 in my opinion !

Depends on the circumstances. Which was my point. 3 kids is more than one. But one parent is less than two. As is one wage with childcare. Throw in illness or disability or special needs or family problems and it's not possible to say that one person has it easier than another. That was my point. I wasn't saying I had it harder. I was saying that it wasn't necessarily easy for me just based on the fact that I have one child which I was told it was.

You can't say to a parent that they have it easier based on number of children when you don't know their circumstances. Which again was my point.