GF putting on weight. - MOD WARNING PG 4

LegacyUser

OK I know I'll probably get slaughtered from all sides on this (hence anon)

My GF of 4 years is putting on a lot of weight.
She was slim when we met but now she has put on considerable weight all over.

She also doesn't seem to think anything of it and if I discreetly said something it would be 'ah sure I'm gettiing older'

It is a bit of a turn off and I dont know what to do....I dont look at her and really fancy her anymore..
I know I cant just come out and say something so what are my options?

I'm sure lots of guys / gals have been in this position?

LegacyUser

I can understand what you are telling us. If you want your girlfriend to lose some weight you need to consider how she would feel/act or what she would say to you if you mention this to her.
I would not do the following - say god your getting heavy/ ask her what size skirt/trousers are you now in or make any comment about her thinner friends - like did Mary lose some weight.

I was very overweight for years and I heard the following - you would look lovely if you lost some weight, did you hear about the last fad diet ect.
Last year I joined slimming world and this diet my suit your girlfriend. I have lost a couple of stone since then. With slimming world you can eat unlimited lean meat, fruit, veg, rice, pasta, potatoes. You have a certain amount of bread and milk that you are allowed each day. Along with this you can have 5 to 15 syns a day ( 1 syns = 20 cals) so with your syns you can have some sweets or crisps or a takeaway ect. I have found this diet to be good as I can eat plenty of food. I am not hungry and I can still go out for a meal or have an odd takeaway.
If you look up slimmingworld.ie and put in your county you find out where your nearest class is.

I would say some thing like this to your girlfriend - When we were out walking I noticed that you were getting out of breath and your not wearing the nice clothes you use to wear.
I can see that you put on some weight and I don't think you are happy.
I would then tell her about slimming world, show her there website and offer to go with her.
I know what I was like before I lost some of the weight I was carrying. I was eating because I was unhappy and unhappy because I was eating.

Your girlfriend knows that she is no longer x size and perhaps someone like her mother/family/friends have said something to her like you getting heavy or you need to lose weight. She may feel that she will never be a size x again and everyone puts on weight as they get older.

You need to offer her support and encouragement to lose the weight and also be willing to eat the meals she is eating. Don't be coming home with chipper chips, cookies ect.
Also if she joins slimming world don't make a comment in regards to the size of meal she is eating and offer to go walking with her each day.

Let us know what you are doing in regards to this and good luck.

Merkin

I think if this is potentially putting your relationship in jeopardy (by you ceasing to fancy her) then you really need to tell her. Well intentioned discreet approaches are not working so I'd be as subtle as a sledgehammer and tell her that you are concerned for her health and that she doesn't look like the girl you fell in love with. Hurtful I know, but I think she would prefer to know now then for you to dump her and her wondering why.

3DataModem

It's perfectly reasonable for you to want her to keep some level of attractiveness (and health for that matter).

The only thing you owe her is honesty, and unenviable situation. Perhaps suggest taking up walking or something together, or start cooking healthier meals.

heretochat

Like others have said you need to say it to her before irreparable damage is done to your relationship.

Again like others have suggested, take up an activity together like walking, swimming etc..

Koptain Liverpool

Tell her straight out but in as nice a way as possible. Exercises and walking are all well and good but the main thing is a diet. You can help by trying to make sure that you don't buy any crisps, bars, fatty frozen foods etc for the house.
And tell her straight out every time you see her overeating in case she might not be aware of it.

It would be a different story if she was making an effort but by the sounds of it she is content to let herself go because she thinks its fine as she's in a relationship.

PinkLemonade

I think you need to tell her and roll up your sleeves too, if her weight is an issue for you, you should put support her too, don't expect to be having pizza while she's eating a salad. Obviously she has a responsibility too but if she was skinny when you got together, could it be to do with habits you both picked up?

I would start with her health when you approach the topic, but you should tell her about the attraction as well

Virgil°

Mr Heavy wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with a few extra pounds (am carrying a few myself). No one is perfect - you should think yourself lucky you have a girlfriend at all with that attitude

Such garbage. Who said a few extra pounds? The OP said " considerable weight all over". You need to learn to read.

OP its not acceptable that your girlfriend thinks its fine just to let go of her figure like that. In my opinion in a relationship both partners have a duty to look after themselves. Not only is what she doing unfair on you(attraction wise), its also extremely dangerous and could shorten her lifespan considerably.

If you've tried subtle and it hasnt worked you owe it to her to let her know your attraction to her is waning in the light of her excess weight. It wont be easy but it needs be done.

strobe

_boy_ wrote: »

OK I know I'll probably get slaughtered from all sides on this (hence anon)

My GF of 4 years is putting on a lot of weight.
She was slim when we met but now she has put on considerable weight all over.

She also doesn't seem to think anything of it and if I discreetly said something it would be 'ah sure I'm gettiing older'

It is a bit of a turn off and I dont know what to do....I dont look at her and really fancy her anymore..
I know I cant just come out and say something so what are my options?

I'm sure lots of guys / gals have been in this position?

There's no reason you should get 'slaughtered' from any side.

If you stopped showering or something I'm sure she'd feel the same and would probably be quick enough to say something to you about it.

It's pretty much the same thing, she's for some reason no longer making enough of an effort with something within her control which effects her attractiveness and her health.

Have you any idea if there's anything behind her weight gain? Is she feeling a bit depressed or anything like that? Or has she just gotten lazy and is taking you and the relationship for granted?
From what you say about her view towards it it sounds like the latter. Which isn't really acceptable, it's pretty selfish of her tbh.

Doesn't stop it beimg a delicate thing to bring up though, and I'm sure you love her and so don't want to hurt her feelings.

Maybe approach it from the angle of you wanting to take better care of your own health as you're gettimg older, but you'd find it boring going to the gym on your own and would she be willing to come along to make it a little more fun.

But ultimately if the gentle indirect approach doesn't work you may have to be blunter and more honest with her, and tell her her weight gain means you are finding her less and less attractive and the relationship could be in danger because of that.

seosamh1980

Mr Heavy wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with a few extra pounds (am carrying a few myself). No one is perfect - you should think yourself lucky you have a girlfriend at all with that attitude

Am yes, yes there is. Being overweight is bad for your health. So not only is the OP watching his girlfriend become less attractive to him but he's also watching her damage her health. Whatever about weight that is caused by illness, medication, etc, if a person is just eating too much and not looking after themselves I wouldn't find that attractive either.

Koptain Liverpool

Mr Heavy wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with a few extra pounds (am carrying a few myself). No one is perfect - you should think yourself lucky you have a girlfriend at all with that attitude

I agree this is nonsense. He started going out with a slim girl, now she is fat and not as attractive to him. Of course everyone can put on a bit of weight from time to time but unless its due to a medical issue then they have to realize that if they continue to do so they'll become less attractive and potentially face health issues.

Emme

Mr Heavy wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with a few extra pounds (am carrying a few myself). No one is perfect - you should think yourself lucky you have a girlfriend at all with that attitude

This is rubbish. The girl should lose weight for the sake of her health if nothing else. There was a report today that Irish women have the least healthy pregnancies and need the most intervention when giving birth because they are more likely to beobese and smoke. A well known obstetrician was on the radio this morning saying that obesity can lead to complications in pregnancy.

In Ireland we accept obesity and excess weight, it's almost regarded as normal! :eek: I think the OP should definitely say something to his girlfriend about her weight. He should tell her that first and foremost she has put on weight and is unhealthy and secondly he doesn't find her attractive at an unhealthy weight. Then maybe suggest something constructive like going for walks, runs or cycles together or going to the gym together. I don't know if they live together but if they do they should eat healthily.

Some women get smug and lazy when they're in a relationship and think it's ok to let themselves go. This is not acceptable. This girl should cop on and lose weight.

claypigeon777

_boy_ wrote: »

OK I know I'll probably get slaughtered from all sides on this (hence anon)

My GF of 4 years is putting on a lot of weight.
She was slim when we met but now she has put on considerable weight all over.

She also doesn't seem to think anything of it and if I discreetly said something it would be 'ah sure I'm gettiing older'

It is a bit of a turn off and I dont know what to do....I dont look at her and really fancy her anymore..
I know I cant just come out and say something so what are my options?

I'm sure lots of guys / gals have been in this position?

Tell her to lose weight, eat healthy, go to the gym or its over.

Honey-ec

_boy_ wrote: »

My GF of 4 years is putting on a lot of weight.

I know I cant just come out and say something so what are my options?

Eh, yes you can. And should, because it's not fair on your GF to be blissfully unaware that anything is wrong while you're becoming less and less attracted to her. So, you need to say it to her out straight, but in as tactful a way as possible, because yes, no matter how nicely you approach it, she's going to be hurt. No way around that, I'm afraid.

As others have said, even if you don't need to lose weight yourself, you're going to have to row in with her while she tries to lose hers (if she decides to do it). Walks, activities are all good and well, but there's a saying: abs are made in the kitchen. The same goes for weight-loss in general. In the early stages, it's far more about diet than exercise.

So, if you live together, that means no more snacks/goodies/treats in the house. No more takeaways, if you tend to eat a lot of them. If you're not in the habit of cooking and eating a decent meal together, buy a good cookbook and make a little project out of working your way through it. Do a proper weekly shop and plan your meals before you do it.

I don't envy you, OP, because you have a very delicate conversation ahead of you, but you can both definitely get through this. Best of luck.

amber2

Agree say something, it's easier shift a few pounds now rather than trying to shift a few stone next year. Be tactful though very sensitive area. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Lots of excellent advice there folks..many thanks

Yes we do live together.

I think it's just laziness in general that has caused this.

I've always ensured I stay slim.

I have tried to get her out walking but there always seems to be other stuff needing doing.

I really don't know if I have the guts to have 'that conversation' as I think it will create a huge divide between us.

I will try >>>>

Micky Dolenz

Get proactive. Tell her straight and then suggest you both work out together. A quick walk every evening together is a good way to get fit and bond.

LegacyUser

Mr Heavy wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with a few extra pounds (am carrying a few myself). No one is perfect - you should think yourself lucky you have a girlfriend at all with that attitude

It's not just about the weight, it's about someone taking pride in themselves and looking after themself, for their health if nothing else. You should want to look after yourself for you, not just for your partner. Someone who has no interest in their health, wellbeing or appearance is seriously off putting. What if they had kids and she started feeding them crap?That whole "sure it's a few extra pounds, no one is perfect" attitude is the reason we're catching up with the states with obesity rates.

freshpopcorn

The only thing I would say would be is she actually over weight. I know a guy and he was seeing a girl and when they first met her waist size was 8. After about two years her waistline size grew to size 10. Her BMI was still only 22.5 and she looked healthy but in his eyes she was now fat for some reason.

So, I would take the other posters advise but I would bear this in mind!

PinkLemonade

OP, is she overweight or just not as thin as you would like?

You havent mentioned if she's unhealthy, or if she's lazy? Just how much weight has she put on?

Honey-ec

_boy_ wrote: »

I really don't know if I have the guts to have 'that conversation' as I think it will create a huge divide between us.

This is a bit of a red flag for me, tbh. If you can't talk about this, what other potential problems are you also not going to have the guts to address further down the line?

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The only thing I would say would be is she actually over weight. I know a guy and he was seeing a girl and when they first met her waist size was 8. After about two years her waistline size grew to size 10. Her BMI was still only 22.5 and she looked healthy but in his eyes she was now fat for some reason.

Patronising much? The OP has already said it's "a lot of" and "considerable" weight. He's clearly not talking about a few pounds or one dress size.

freshpopcorn

Honey-ec wrote: »

Patronising much? The OP has already said it's "a lot of" and "considerable" weight. He's clearly not talking about a few pounds or one dress size.

No, I knew the guy very well and if you met him down the pub for a chat he would have lead you to believe that she had gained about 10 stone. To him one dress size was massive.

ulinbac

Hey OP,

Who does the cooking in the house or do ye eat seperately? Just asking as you will need to be in this with her for help. As previously mentioned you can't pig out when she is calorie counting. Also, have a treat day for both of you in the diet.

One thing that helps and though it may sound dodge, is that if she agrees to a diet, do a before and after picture. So on Day1 take a pic and after every 4 weeks take another to see the difference.

This may sound stupid but its very motivating when you see the difference. You won't see much of a difference on your own as you see each other every day.

FarmersSon

How about buying a fitness DVD, something like P90x. 90 day goal orientated workout.

The fitness dvd will provide the routine and regime, all you just have to do to is press the play button. Might be an easy way to get both of you working out together in the space of your own home.

December2012

How is her mood? Is she depressed or stressed?

Is she too busy to work out?

That way you could approach it like that "hey I noticed you're feeling stressed, lets talk about that"

dellas1979

I have to agree with other posters. If you cant be honest with your partner, I would find that seriously unhealthy, never mind the extra weight she is carrying.

How do you approach it - well, again, you know (or should know) your partner best.

LegacyUser

You just have to bite the bullet and tell her. I'm in the same situation with my partner. He put on an awful lot of weight over the past couple of years and while I still love him and find him attractive I still find the excess weight a turn off. There's also the health side I'm worried about too.

I felt too guilty and was too scared to say anything so instead did the whole "oh lets go walking together more" and "lets eat healthy". Went right over his head and he wasn't bothered. It started to get worse so in the end I had to just be honest with him. He took it really well and was glad I told him. Now he's working on it. He wasn't happy with his weight either and just needed a kick up the backside.

You should know her well enough to know how to approach her about it but I'm afraid if you want something done you're just going to have to be honest.

Magicmatilda

Whilst I see the point about not being attracted to her anymore this would indicate that the attraction is purely physical. What I always think about when I read these threads is that nobody, absolutely nobody is going to stay looking the same forever. What happens when she gets to 50 and is looking old and tired. If a relationship is based purely on what a person looks like then it's doomed in my opinion. For a relationship to last there has to be something more to it that will carry it through this. Now that's not to say we should all go out and start getting unfit and fat but it's something to bear in mind.

seosamh1980

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Whilst I see the point about not being attracted to her anymore this would indicate that the attraction is purely physical. What I always think about when I read these threads is that nobody, absolutely nobody is going to stay looking the same forever. What happens when she gets to 50 and is looking old and tired. If a relationship is based purely on what a person looks like then it's doomed in my opinion. For a relationship to last there has to be something more to it that will carry it through this. Now that's not to say we should all go out and start getting unfit and fat but it's something to bear in mind.

Ageing is different to just sitting around and eating yourself stupid.

PinkLemonade

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Ageing is different to just sitting around and eating yourself stupid.

Did the OP say she was sitting around eating herself stupid? All we know is she's gained weight, the rest is assumption. Bit unfair we're all sitting judging her, we don't even know if she's overweight.

seosamh1980

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Did the OP say she was sitting around eating herself stupid? All we know is she's gained weight, the rest is assumption. Bit unfair we're all sitting judging her, we don't even know if she's overweight.

He said that when he tries to suggest things she has excuses, I don't think he'd be pointing out that she needs to get fitter if it was caused by illness or anything.

Honey-ec

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Did the OP say she was sitting around eating herself stupid? All we know is she's gained weight, the rest is assumption. Bit unfair we're all sitting judging her, we don't even know if she's overweight.

Yes we do. The OP told us she is. I don't understand why some people are so keen to believe she's not overweight at all and it's all just some skewed perception of the OP's.

The Corinthian

I do agree that this is an issue for the OP and that ultimately he does have to communicate this to his girlfriend; however, a word of caution...

I found myself in exactly the same situation as the OP about eight years ago. I ignored it as long as I could, but it was getting to the point where intimate contact was bordering on 'unpleasant' for me. So, taking great care at how to approach the subject (I would like to stress this), I raised it with her.

As a result, she broke up with me because she was so offended that I no longer found her attractive.

Now I'm not suggesting that the OP should stay quiet about it at all. However, I am warning him that some people have such fragile self-esteem that they cannot deal with even the slightest of criticisms and would rather end a relationship than deal with the issue raised.

As such, depending upon the OP's girlfriend's self-esteem, the OP should be prepared for the possibility of a very negative response. No level of care or diplomacy in how the message is given will make a difference to this, with such people, IMHO.

Stavro Mueller

In a previous thread here, someone posted that she was spurred into losing weight when her husband said something along the lines of "You're getting a bit chunky, love". There's no easy way to broach the subject unfortunately but something needs to be said

Magicmatilda

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Ageing is different to just sitting around and eating yourself stupid.

Yes it is, but it gets harder to maintain weight as you get older and harder to lose it. We don't know what age the OP or his partner are.

Nor do we know she is storing around eating herself stupid.

OP if it is an issue for you then you should raise it with her. No point being in a relationship with someone you don't want to have sex with.

PinkLemonade

Honey-ec wrote: »

Yes we do. The OP told us she is. I don't understand why some people are so keen to believe she's not overweight at all and it's all just some skewed perception of the OP's.

The OP says no where that she is over weight. He never mentions her health either.

She might be overweight, but until we know it seems incredibly cruel for everyone to judge her and call her obese and accuse her of eating all day.
How about actually deal with the problem that the OP has clearly stated, he's no longer attracted to his girlfriend because she's not slim any more?

meeeeh

Honey-ec wrote: »

Yes we do. The OP told us she is. I don't understand why some people are so keen to believe she's not overweight at all and it's all just some skewed perception of the OP's.

I have a friend who told his girlfriend she is getting fat when she got up to a size 8 (from size 6). He always went for very skinny girls and that is ok but she was far from unhealthy. Everybody's perception of weight is different.

Op, I think you'll have to tell her. I would be seriously offended if my bf would try with 'let's go for a walk' nonsense. People aren't stupid enough not to see through that. Don't say you don't fancy here anymore but be clear that she is putting weight on. Then it's up to her. But I also there has to be more to a relationship than just looks otherwise you will be in trouble sooner or later.

womandriver

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

.
And tell her straight out every time you see her overeating in case she might not be aware of it..

If you take this attitude you won't have a problem anymore because you probably won't have a girlfriend!

She is an adult not a child for you to scold because she does something that displeases you.

MagicMarker

I'm also curious as to how much weight we're talking about, as I can't think of many women who would shrug off a "considerable" weight gain with just getting older.

cakeisgood

I admire your bravery in posting this, especially as you were worried about a backlash. However, I would be concerned about if this is the right relationship for you both if her weight is such an issue you don't fancy her anymore. It may be something to think on. For example, even if she lost weight now would it become an issue again if she had children (some women never regain their figures) or gained weight again, as many women do, when she reaches middle age?

Also, she could have a deeper problem then laziness. Could she be depressed? Weight can creep up gradually but from your post is sounds like it is a lot. Also, she could have a problem with her metabolism or tyroid. How good/bad is her diet?

I have a huge weight problem and it is not as simple as 'eating less, exercising more'. Why? Because I have a binge eating disorder and depression. Food stops me from cracking up totally and that is something no-one will ever understand unless they have the same problem. Im not saying your girlfriend has these problems (I sincerely hope she doesn't), often weight gain is laziness and carelessness, but its best be careful as I am sure you don't want to upset her.

I wish you both the best of luck

PucaMama

Op have you gained any weight?

MistyCheese

OP has already said "I've always ensured I stay slim" (post #16)

MagicMarker

MistyCheese wrote: »

OP has already said "I've always ensured I stay slim" (post #16)

You can gain weight and still be slim.

PucaMama

MagicMarker wrote: »

You can gain weight and still be slim.

Exactly. Or maybe the op thinks hes still slim?? Would he like to see a thread like this about him? His gf and a group of complete strangers judging him publicly?

MistyCheese

GF has gained considerable weight all over. OP has stayed slim.

Esoteric_

I don't really understand the few posts reprimanding the OP.

OP, you are entitled to be attracted to whatever weight/look you like. If your girlfriend were gaining weight due to a medical condition (either physical or mental), I'd suggest that you support her, and encourage her to seek help.

If it's a case of her purely being lazy and eating crap, then I think you're right to say it to her.

All of the people asking what happens if she never re-gains her figure after having children - that's completely different to just over-eating and not exercising.

IF the OP's girlfriend is simply over-eating and not exercising, why shouldn't he say it to her? If he's not physically attracted to her, what's he supposed to do? Dump her and not tell her why? Or try to fix the issue, because he still loves her for who she is?

I dated a guy once, while I was in the middle of an on-going weight battle. I was losing weight steadily, and about three months into the relationship, he told me he didn't find me attractive anymore, because my hipbones could actually be felt now, rather than being enveloped in fat. I was still big (I was a size 18!), but not nearly as big as what he found attractive. I wasn't willing to gain weight or stop losing weight, so I ended it with him because he simply wasn't attracted to me anymore.

It's the same situation in reverse, except there are health implications to the OP's girlfriend if she continues to gain weight.

OP, talk to her. I wouldn't make wishy washy comments about going for a walk. Walks aren't going to shift 'considerable' amounts of weight. Weight loss is 80% diet, 20% exercise. Be honest and tell her what you've told us.

Love2u

I didn't hear him mention anything about an illness so I'm persuming she's got her man and now she feels she can let herself go. That's not good enough! It's simple, stop eating garbage, exercise more. How can you expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself. Not giving a crap about your body is an insult to your partner. If you look good you feel good.

Love2u

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Whilst I see the point about not being attracted to her anymore this would indicate that the attraction is purely physical. What I always think about when I read these threads is that nobody, absolutely nobody is going to stay looking the same forever. What happens when she gets to 50 and is looking old and tired. If a relationship is based purely on what a person looks like then it's doomed in my opinion. For a relationship to last there has to be something more to it that will carry it through this. Now that's not to say we should all go out and start getting unfit and fat but it's something to bear in mind.

You can age gracefully!!! Being overweight is not good unless its a case that the person is ill or has other issues. There no excuse for letting yourself go. Ageing is a natural process getting fat isn't.

MagicMarker

We don't even know if this girl is fat ffs.

All we know is that the OP thinks she's gained "considerable" weight. Maybe she's gone from a size 6 to a size 10? Doesn't mean she's fat.

Love2u

MagicMarker wrote: »

We don't even know if this girl is fat ffs.

All we know is that the OP thinks she's gained "considerable" weight. Maybe she's gone from a size 6 to a size 10? Doesn't mean she's fat.

Somehow I'm doubting she's gone from a size 6 to a 10! It must be bad if the OP felt the need to write in here about it.

MagicMarker

Love2u wrote: »

Somehow I'm doubting she's gone from a size 6 to a 10! It must be bad if the OP felt the need to write in here about it.

In the OPs opinion, yes, that doesn't mean it's as bad as people here are assuming. Why could she not have gone from a 6 to a 10? There's absolutely no reason not to think that that is exactly what has happen.