having kids with older women

lufties

Hi,

last weekend, i met a woman of 36, i'm 31, we spent the weekend together as she was just visiting town, anyway it turns out she is engaged to a guy that she knows is cheating on her, But wants to continue seeing me. I told her that I want kids and if we were to be together it would have to happen soon. She was shocked and offended and said her womb was perfectly healthy.

Anyway i just wondered if any boards guys encountered such a situation or if i'm just being daft.

Honestly though it think from my side part of the reason i am cold on the matter is due to the ego hit of being the guy who's there perhaps for a woman that desperately wants kids, even though I actually like her.

Hmmm, humans are complicated indeed

Big Nasty

You only met this girl last weekend and you're seriously talking about settling down and having kids!?! :eek:

Also, bad relationship or not she just cheated on her partner and most likely would do the same to you easy enough.

Can you explain the last bit again because in the first paragraph you say you gave her the ultimatum and in the last you say you don't want a girl who is with you just because *she* wants kids.

Lastly, 36 isn't old. (sounds liked a pretty fooked up start to a relationship though!)

sam34

moved to pi

Esoteric_

You met a woman last weekend, who already has a partner, and you're talking about having kids with her?! She's in a relationship! You don't even know her, why would you be telling her you want kids?

If she's happy to cheat on her fiance, what's to say she wouldn't cheat on you?

You don't know her, so why would you be so selfish as to have kids with her? Surely you would want a stable family life for any children?

lufties

Esoteric_ wrote: »

You met a woman last weekend, who already has a partner, and you're talking about having kids with her?! She's in a relationship! You don't even know her, why would you be telling her you want kids?

If she's happy to cheat on her fiance, what's to say she wouldn't cheat on you?

You don't know her, so why would you be so selfish as to have kids with her? Surely you would want a stable family life for any children?

sorry I should have been a bit clearer, what i meant was i would consider a relationship with the intention of having kids with her in the future. Apparently the thing with her fiance is a dead duck.

lufties

MCMLXXV wrote: »

You only met this girl last weekend and you're seriously talking about settling down and having kids!?! :eek:

Also, bad relationship or not she just cheated on her partner and most likely would do the same to you easy enough.

Can you explain the last bit again because in the first paragraph you say you gave her the ultimatum and in the last you say you don't want a girl who is with you just because *she* wants kids.

Lastly, 36 isn't old. (sounds liked a pretty fooked up start to a relationship though!)

yeah cheers for that contribution, bottom line is her bio clock is ticking so im tryin to decide whether to give it a go or move on, or if i am just being played for a mug.

Big Bag of Chips

Before you consider anything, she needs to finish with her fiance. THEN maybe you can decide whether to persue a relationship.

If a wedding is booked and deposits down, you'd be surprised how many people go ahead with it to save the embarrassment of cancelling!

I can see why you're thinking down the line. But I do think there's other things that need to be sorted before you start telling her she needs to decided sooner rather than later if she's going to have kids with you.

Although if I had a one night stand with a fella, and he said that to me, there wouldn't be a decision! I'd be gone, never to be seen again!!


Edit: and you mentioned it would "have to happen soon"... How soon are you talking? Next couple of months? Next year? Would you really have a baby with someone you know nothing about just because you think her time is running out?

Sorry OP, but it sounds very immature on your part. Maybe you should forget this one and look for a girl a bit younger than you, who you can get to know a bit better without feeling under pressure to have kids.

lufties

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Before you consider anything, she needs to finish with her fiance. THEN maybe you can decide whether to persue a relationship.

If a wedding is booked and deposits down, you'd be surprised how many people go ahead with it to save the embarrassment of cancelling!

I can see why you're thinking down the line. But I do think there's other things that need to be sorted before you start telling her she needs to decided sooner rather than later if she's going to have kids with you.

Although if I had a one night stand with a fella, and he said that to me, there wouldn't be a decision! I'd be gone, never to be seen again!!

thanks bag, yea you are understanding me, i told her to split with this guy if she wanted to persue something with me and she says they are seperated and she doesn't love him, but thats no good to me of course. Its a shame though because we did spend the weekend together and seemed to really click.

Big Bag of Chips

lufties wrote: »

she says they are seperated and she doesn't love him

She's lying.

If they were seperated, then she would have called him her ex... Not her fiance.

Move on. Too messy, all round.

trio

Yup. She's most likely still sleeping in the same bed as him. It's a non-starter until she's single.

If you want kids so much, stop messing around with women who are entangled. And if you're that worried about age + fertility, stop messing around with women over 35. This woman didn't appreciate your comment one bit, and I doubt any other would either.

lufties

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She's lying.

If they were seperated, then she would have called him her ex... Not her fiance.

Move on. Too messy, all round.

she did call him her ex, but you are right it is a bit messy.

lufties

trio wrote: »

Yup. She's most likely still sleeping in the same bed as him. It's a non-starter until she's single.

If you want kids so much, stop messing around with women who are entangled. And if you're that worried about age + fertility, stop messing around with women over 35. This woman didn't appreciate your comment one bit, and I doubt any other would either.

she lied about her age, said she was 32, only foumd out she was 36 at the end of the weekend.. Appreciate my comment? i was being practical, i didn't say she was a granny ffs.

Uriel.

lufties wrote: »

she lied about her age, said she was 32, only foumd out she was 36 at the end of the weekend.. Appreciate my comment? i was being practical, i didn't say she was a granny ffs.

She doesn't sound like the most reliable or truthful person to be honest. Cheating on her fiance, lying about her age to you.

You know her for what, two or three days?

How could having children possibly even enter into anyone's mind at that stage in a...(I was going to say relationship but it's not even that).

OP, you are setting yourself up for one hell of a difficult life here. If I were you, I'd be looking elsewhere and slowing yourself down a bit as well.

lufties

Uriel. wrote: »

She doesn't sound like the most reliable or truthful person to be honest. Cheating on her fiance, lying about her age to you.

You know her for what, two or three days?

How could having children possibly even enter into anyone's mind at that stage in a...(I was going to say relationship but it's not even that).

OP, you are setting yourself up for one hell of a difficult life here. If I were you, I'd be looking elsewhere and slowing yourself down a bit as well.

I hear you, but its not as straight forward as you think. thanks for post post anyway.

Big Bag of Chips

She told you she had a fiance who was cheating on her. She said she didn't love him anymore. She said he was her ex. She said she was 32.

It would seem every word that came out of her mouth was a lie.

Why is this complicated? My guess is she's a "Walter Mitty" type. It might be her thing that she goes around making up stories. Next weekend she could be somewhere else, and be after leaving her groom at the altar!

You felt a connection... With someone who didn't tell you a truthful word all weekend. So whatever you felt isn't real. Because she wasn't real.

Meauldsegosha

OP it's crazy that are are thinking about kids with someone that you've known for 2/3 days. She's in a relationship, lying about her age. Who knows what other lies she has told you. Having children is a huge responsibility and not a decision to be made after one weekend with someone.

You should take a step back and think about why you are making such impulsive decisions about life changing events.

Uriel.

lufties wrote: »

I hear you, but its not as straight forward as you think. thanks for post post anyway.

can you elaborate on the grey bits? it might help with the type of advice you get. Though to be honest, I imagine most advice will remain to be "Avoid".

lufties

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She told you she had a fiance who was cheating on her. She said she didn't love him anymore. She said he was her ex. She said she was 32.

It would seem every word that came out of her mouth was a lie.

Why is this complicated? My guess is she's a "Walter Mitty" type. It might be her thing that she goes around making up stories. Next weekend she could be somewhere else, and be after leaving her groom at the altar!

You felt a connection... With someone who didn't tell you a truthful word all weekend. So whatever you felt isn't real. Because she wasn't real.

I cant say, she came with her friend here to hong kong from KL for a weekend getaway, i'm guessing she lied about her engagement because we had hit it off, she said her relationship is gone with the guy but she is sitting on the fence a bit. I said before anything would happen between us, she needs to decide whether to stay or go. I honestly think she is genuine because i'm generally a pretty good judge of character(but you never can tell either). I also think she is being selfish as she is waiting to see how things would pan out between me and her before she would decide to dump the other guy. At the same time, i can understand her in a way because she doesn't know if she will be in the same predicament with someone else, we all know people stay in relationships of convenience, I've done it myself.

But my initial point regarding kids is i wondered if other men rule out women straight away because of age and 'the bigger picture'.Normally I wouldn't date a woman over 33 but maybe I'm just being daft and unreasonable.

lufties

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

OP it's crazy that are are thinking about kids with someone that you've known for 2/3 days. She's in a relationship, lying about her age. Who knows what other lies she has told you. Having children is a huge responsibility and not a decision to be made after one weekend with someone.

You should take a step back and think about why you are making such impulsive decisions about life changing events.

Sorry I should've worded my op a bit better, I would never consider having kids with someone I just met, but realistically if things did go well between us, it would be definately on the agenda within a year because of her age.

Idle Passerby

If you're looking for a serious relationship with a view to settling down and having children together you need to stay away from messy situations like this. This woman lied to you and is already with someone else, thats just a recipe for drama that could drag on for years.

lufties

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If you're looking for a serious relationship with a view to settling down and having children together you need to stay away from messy situations like this. This woman lied to you and is already with someone else, thats just a recipe for drama that could drag on for years.

Yea fair enough, bloody shame though, i really felt we clicked.

maria34

At first women that age can have kids, even few of them if you like :-) nothing wrong with going out or marry or having kids with a woman older than you! but ...

she is a liar. no honest woman would lie about her age if she is serious with you. why should she do that? lies come out sooner or later.

can you imagine your life once you have made her pregnant and she uses your child like a tool? because that can happen if you have children with a person you dont know at all.

lufties

maria34 wrote: »

At first women that age can have kids, even few of them if you like :-) nothing wrong with going out or marry or having kids with a woman older than you! but ...

she is a liar. no honest woman would lie about her age if she is serious with you. why should she do that? lies come out sooner or later.

can you imagine your life once you have made her pregnant and she uses your child like a tool? because that can happen if you have children with a person you dont know at all.

thanks for that Maria.I dont know why she lied about her age initially, but shes telling me she wants to meet me again, not sure what I'll do, at this stage i'm just curious, like a dog with bone perhaps.(no pun intended)

Idle Passerby

Dont bother meeting her again. She is just looking for a distraction from whatever other situation she's in. Dont get sucked into her messy life, it will just hold up your own.

maria34

what i dont understand is do you want kids in general or only with that woman? i mean you are only 31, you can meet someone free anytime and have kids with her. you cant have kids with a woman you dont trust or know (doesnt matter what age she is at all then)

desbrook

All that she told you was the female equivalent of the married man saying "my wife doesn't understand me " . The only difference is the guy will often pursue an affair. Women are more likely to have a one night or one weekend stand. Been there myself - got phone numbers etc. She kept in contact for a while but we never met up again and she went back to her fella and settled life. Don't waste your time.
As for the baby thing you need lessons in biology and dating etiquette.

lufties

maria34 wrote: »

what i dont understand is do you want kids in general or only with that woman? i mean you are only 31, you can meet someone free anytime and have kids with her. you cant have kids with a woman you dont trust or know (doesnt matter what age she is at all then)

when i met this girl on friday,we really hit it off, honestly i haven't felt such an attraction or had such passionate sex in years. She was certainly welcome in the aftermath of many dates that were bland and disappointing. My last girlfriend was a staunch catholic that was obsessed with that monkey from the hangover movie ffs :rolleyes:

I do want kids in general but i just said with her because if i was to continue a relationship, due to her age, kids would be on the agenda within a year i guess.

maria34

thats the thing! you have been on boring dates only. you havent met the right one yet.

she slept with you so she is a cheat. if you want to have fun its your business. but dont loose your heart to someone who doesnt deserve it.

Nymeria

lufties wrote: »

when i met this girl on friday,we really hit it off, honestly i haven't felt such an attraction or had such passionate sex in years. She was certainly welcome in the aftermath of many dates that were bland and disappointing. My last girlfriend was a staunch catholic that was obsessed with that monkey from the hangover movie ffs :rolleyes:

I do want kids in general but i just said with her because if i was to continue a relationship, due to her age, kids would be on the agenda within a year i guess.

Hang on, so you knew she had a fiancee and you slept with her anyway... nice.

The only thing I would say is if you continued with this as a relationship, don't be surprised if she gets distracted by the next guy who she finds passionate and attractive. She has already shown you what she is capable of in terms of cheating, what makes you think she wouldn't do it to you.

As for kids, I understand that you would be worried about declining fertility with women over a certain age, but that's the chance you take when you meet someone you really like. Otherwise, date younger women.

Have you actually asked her if she even wants kids? Many women don't. Also, trying for a child within a year of knowing eachother is very soon, maybe she would want to wait and enjoy just being a couple for a while.

lufties

Nymeria wrote: »

Hang on, so you knew she had a fiancee and you slept with her anyway... nice.

The only thing I would say is if you continued with this as a relationship, don't be surprised if she gets distracted by the next guy who she finds passionate and attractive. She has already shown you what she is capable of in terms of cheating, what makes you think she wouldn't do it to you.

As for kids, I understand that you would be worried about declining fertility with women over a certain age, but that's the chance you take when you meet someone you really like. Otherwise, date younger women.

Have you actually asked her if she even wants kids? Many women don't. Also, trying for a child within a year of knowing eachother is very soon, maybe she would want to wait and enjoy just being a couple for a while.

i didnt know she had a fiance until just before she left, she is mad for kids yes.

Nymeria

lufties wrote: »

i didnt know she had a fiance until just before she left, she is mad for kids yes.

Ok, so bearing in mind what you know now (i.e. that she has a fiancee somewhere who is probably oblivious to the amazing connection that you two apparently have, someone that she supposedly loves but that she has presumably lied to and cheated on), would you trust her to be in committed relationship?

Pappa Charlie

lufties wrote: »

i didnt know she had a fiance until just before she left, she is mad for kids yes.

Check that your not shooting blanks before you lecture her on her ticking clock!

lufties

Nymeria wrote: »

Ok, so bearing in mind what you know now (i.e. that she has a fiancee somewhere who is probably oblivious to the amazing connection that you two apparently have, someone that she supposedly loves but that she has presumably lied to and cheated on), would you trust her to be in committed relationship?

she tells me that her thing with her fiance is complicated but has decided to call it off with him. She said that she wants to stay friends with me for a few months until its all sorted, and see what happens, i said well fair enough, that way nobody gets hurt.

Idle Passerby

lufties wrote: »

she tells me that her thing with her fiance is complicated but has decided to call it off with him. She said that she wants to stay friends with me for a few months until its all sorted, and see what happens, i said well fair enough, that way nobody gets hurt.

Shes asking to sit on the sidelines until she actually has broken up with him. I would not invest anything in this OP. Tell her to leave you alone until her fiance is well in the past.

Daisy78

Id run op, very quickly, sounds like she is spinning you a yarn.

Oh and by the way you need to brush up on your biology. ..women can conceive right up to their early forties, my mum had me at 36 and went on to have 3 more after. So I wouldnt be worried so much about the age thing. But id give this lady a wide berth tbh.

December2012

Okay OP,

Firstly, of you want kids yeah check your own fertility.

Then, you try to meet the right personality, irrespective of age. Plenty of women can have children into their 40s, although fertility problems can arise at any age.

While its a good idea to make sure your aims and objectives are the same, make sure you fall in love with the mother of your child before you make her the mother of your child!

She's a person, not an incubator.

Avoid liars like this woman.

Maybe Internet dating is the way to go if traditional methods are not working yet.

Legs.Eleven

What a mess.



Yes, she was great in bed but you're basing everything on the lust you feel here, OP. Think with your head for a minute and read over this thread and decide if this all seems sensible to you because it seems completely bonkers to me.

Be rationale and don't set yourself up for heartache or you'll be posting on here down the line with a different problem to this.

SniperPaddy

Daisy78 wrote: »

Id run op, very quickly, sounds like she is spinning you a yarn.

Oh and by the way you need to brush up on your biology. ..women can conceive right up to their early forties, my mum had me at 36 and went on to have 3 more after. So I wouldnt be worried so much about the age thing. But id give this lady a wide berth tbh.

Everybody loves to quote the happy exceptions as a rule but female egg viability takes a nosedive after 36 and probability of defects creeps up.
Yes, the poor unlucky woman could be her and not some other woman.
That one is directly from the SIMS clinic so to put it bluntly, no foal no ring.

iverjohnston

lufties wrote: »

i didnt know she had a fiance until just before she left, she is mad for kids yes.

Well, then, you can expect a phone call in 3 or 4 weeks with some amazing happy news! Daddy!

In reality, you seem to be thinking with the wrong head in this situation. Take a long step back and consider the reality of the situation. You both (hopefully) had a great weekend. One for the scrapbook of memories. Leave it there and move on.

lufties

Thanks for all the posts guys, now she tells me she is going through a divorce and didnt want to tell me, it kind of makes sense.

Witcher

Jesus, the hole gets deeper still

Stavro Mueller

I don't think I can say anything any differently to what other posters have said already on this thread. You sound like you're hell bent on seeing this woman. The only advice I'd give to you is to be very very careful. She has been rather economical with the truth up until now which is something you should be thinking long and hard about. What's the next gem of information that's coming your way? That she's actually 39? She's still living with her husband under the same roof but they're separated?

Maybe we're being harsh here and that she's actually a lovely person who got caught up in a web of lies. We don't know what this girl's like. Neither do you for that matter. It's definitely time for exercising caution.

lufties

cymbaline wrote: »

I don't think I can say anything any differently to what other posters have said already on this thread. You sound like you're hell bent on seeing this woman. The only advice I'd give to you is to be very very careful. She has been rather economical with the truth up until now which is something you should be thinking long and hard about. What's the next gem of information that's coming your way? That she's actually 39? She's still living with her husband under the same roof but they're separated?

Maybe we're being harsh here and that she's actually a lovely person who got caught up in a web of lies. We don't know what this girl's like. Neither do you for that matter. It's definitely time for exercising caution.

thanks, yes you are very correct, I suppose i've had the blinkers on but i do think she was caight up in a web of lies. she seems quite good natured and tells me there is nothing more to tell and its all off her chest. i will be exercising extreme caution indeed and gaining my trust will be difficult.

Meauldsegosha

OP it's time to be realistic here and take off the rose tinted glasses. You have known this woman less then a week and she has lied to that whole time. She was single, then engaged now she is married and getting a divorce. What next, she has a couple of kids at home?

ManOfMystery

This situation has all the makings of a disaster, and I can almost predict another thread from you here in a few months or years about being with this new partner who's been lying to you all along. Walk away now, if you have any common sense.

Magicmatilda

Bar anything else there is a fair distance between KL and HK. How would that even work within you timeframe for having kids!

lufties

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Bar anything else there is a fair distance between KL and HK. How would that even work within you timeframe for having kids!

Her company has an office in HK so an internal move could be made I suppose, I worked in KL a few years ago so I could probably go back(reluctantly though).

seosamh1980

lufties wrote: »

Her company has an office in HK so an internal move could be made I suppose, I worked in KL a few years ago so I could probably go back(reluctantly though).

Ah you're not seriously considering having a lying stranger request a job move for you??

lufties

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Ah you're not seriously considering having a lying stranger request a job move for you??

No i'm not, It would be possible but there's pretty much zero chance I would move.

seosamh1980

lufties wrote: »

No i'm not, It would be possible but there's pretty much zero chance I would move.

If you think the moving part is the problem then you're losing touch with reality! DO you seriously see a future with a woman you don't know who has lied at every opportunity?

lufties

seosamh1980 wrote: »

If you think the moving part is the problem then you're losing touch with reality! DO you seriously see a future with a woman you don't know who has lied at every opportunity?

Its hard to know, she was anonymous here and she lied, thinking perhaps we'd never meet again, but things seem to be out in the open now. She has a well to do job(I know it doesn't mean much), but money is normally a motive to bullsh1t someone. Anyway, for now I've decided not to bother with her, more so due to the practicality of it. Its a bummer when you fancy the pants off someone that isn't right for you. 'Lust is blind'. Thanks for all the advice.