Mother In Law playing favourites!

LegacyUser

I kinda know the response i'll get even before I start. But wonders will never cease, so I might learn something new. This is the situation. My husband is one of 5 boys, no sisters.

I was the first to marry into the family. But until the eldest (golden child) married first, then the rest of the boys marriages kinda went unrecognised, if you now what I mean. It's all about the eldest fella, his wife, and their kids. My inlaws babysit for them 2 weekends out of every four! and goes into the in's & out's of how great these kids are, and I'm sure they are great kids, if a little bit of manners & discipline was implemented. Anywho.....

His wife, is like the, well, the golden girl for the golden child. A self confessed lazy bones, ya know the type, baby bottles lined up along the radiator..never made it to the sink. Dirty nappies lined up along the back of the couch..never made it to the bin. Mad for the drink and they regularly go out 2-3 times a week, drinking. That's fine, not my beeswax.

I'm the opposite, kinda clean living, with great kids, that my mil fails to see. She always goes on about 'goldens childs' kids, and ignores ours. This hurts. Their loss I know. We feel that we can't ask them to babysit, to spend time with the kids, as they are always babysitting the other fellas kids. When we call to see them, for a cuppa and a chat, you guessed it, it's all about golden child.

My husband and I have achieved so much down through the years, and all of it goes unnoticed by his parents. This really hurts him. He kinda needs the pat on the from his dad followed by a 'well done, son, you've done well' but no, that will never come. Is it that we don't 'need' them for anything? We don't depend on them? Maybe this is the problem. I don't know why I fell like I need the affirmation of a jealous mil, but I do. She's well able to fluff the feathers of her other daughter in laws. Nothing special about them! i'm jealous & hurting at the same time. As is my husband.

They just aren't interested in the kids. They have a few other grandchildren that they also see regularly, and she kisses ass there too. To really make my point, they continue to mis spell my sons name when they 'eventually' give him his birthday cards. Now, I think that is hurtful. They will never send a card by post, no, YOU have to call to them to collect it. my kids have often gone weeks without a word from their grandparents, unless WE make a move. I tried the whole 'invite THEM over'. It didn't work out, she had a bad day, and a face like thunder to match. Won't go there again!

It's hurtful to know that they are ALL over (I see on FB) my husbands brothers and their kids, and can easily go weeks/months without a call to mine. If I sat here, and never attempted contact....we'd be left.
Can anyone tell me, what is so special about one lot of grand kids?
Anyone experience anything similar?
Why are the good DIL looked down on, and the lazy, rude, dirty ones admired?

I'm equally hurt as I am jealous, not very attractive I know! But can't help it!

I have also tried 'talking' to her about things. I was lucky to come out alive!

Kalimah

God that might be me! Only difference is 6 sons and 1 daughter and the sun shines out of the daughter and her kids backsides. Our kids are more or less grown up now so the impact of being ignored has lessened somewhat. I was at a loss as to the best way to deal with it. Over the years I got angry, hurt, and exasperated in equal measure. In the end I realised I could do nothing about it except keep my distance which I have done. At the end of the day it's the Mil's loss, and those who said nothing are equally culpable. I have a friend who had a worse experience in that her Mil deliberately undermined her young kids in a very nasty way. She cut ties too. Best thing is to withdraw to a certain extent and engage with the in-laws less regularly. If you don't see the snubs you'll be affected less

LegacyUser

Kalimah wrote: »

God that might be me! Only difference is 6 sons and 1 daughter and the sun shines out of the daughter and her kids backsides. Our kids are more or less grown up now so the impact of being ignored has lessened somewhat. I was at a loss as to the best way to deal with it. Over the years I got angry, hurt, and exasperated in equal measure. In the end I realised I could do nothing about it except keep my distance which I have done. At the end of the day it's the Mil's loss, and those who said nothing are equally culpable. I have a friend who had a worse experience in that her Mil deliberately undermined her young kids in a very nasty way. She cut ties too. Best thing is to withdraw to a certain extent and engage with the in-laws less regularly. If you don't see the snubs you'll be affected less

yes, you're right. I have been keeping my distance too! that might be the issue, she has miles too much say on the other grandkids. But hasn't much say on our kids, and she probably resents all that! It's all or nothing with her, I've noticed. Wants it all her own way, or I get the passive aggressive mood. It's her 'I'm in bad form, trying to hide it, but I'll make it obvious at the same time' Her mood then has me on tenter hooks. Will it all kick off...or not.

she's the type of nana to get a kick out of watching the grandkids give back chat. To her this is cute. Yet she hammered her own boys for that when growing up. she has total disregard for what is and isn't allowed. 'Your in nanas house now, it's fine' yet our kids don't get the same level of freedom. she laughs out loud, when they are pushing their luck. She finds this strangely amusing, and funny. Some of the grandkids (not mine) has been allowed to wreck the house, including breaking picture frames, vases, etc. So they lock each and everydoor in the house except the room we would all be sitting in. Problem is, when my kids call round, they too are locked out of all the rooms, and can't see why. My kids I can say with a smile, have never broken anything. They always knew what was theirs, and what was ours.

I have noticed, my MIL can dole out the same 'toughness' when she wants too, but is mean on the same level of love. Our kids get no bit of praise for achieving well in school, but there is loads of praise for one of the other grandkids, for something small. This has seriously p*ssed me right off!

Not to mention the other sister-in-laws, well, have you ever known a family where the kids spend more time with nana & granddad....then they do with mammy & daddy? (and not cos mammy & daddy are working)Well that is how i'd describe my husbands SIL's. Cos if their kids are not at my mil & fils house, then those kids are at their other nana's houses. Me & hubby seem to be the only normal ones! (that sounds bad)

I used to think it was a 'Well they don't need us, we'll concentrate on the ones that do' but that doesn't cut it. The other SIL's are bone idle, yet i'm the one she obviously doesn't like. That hurts. Anyway, thanks :-)

freshpopcorn

Well by the sound of it you live a good distance away from your mother in law.
If I am being honest you seem very judgmental of your brothers in laws and their wives/children. People aren't fools and they can pick up on the likes's of this.
Maybe your mother in law treats one lot of grand kids a bit different because she feels they might need a but more help. This is often the case. Not all families are perfect and sometimes some need more help than others.
You seem to talk down about your in laws to be honest. Just because you and your husband has achieved a lot. It might make you better at certain things but it doesn't make you a better than those people.
I would recommend that you try and make a better effort with you mother in law/sister in laws. Maybe they feel that you think your better than them. Try and come down to there level. Invite them over for tea/dinner some night with their kids and let your kids and their kids mix. So what if a child breaks a picture frame/vase. It doesn't make the child a bad child or a child who doesn't break something an angel.
Your in laws could general pick up on attitude that you think your better than them because of all that ye achieved and that your kids are so good they wouldn't break a thing. There is nothing worse than a person who thinks there better than someone else in my opinion and they could feel the same.

Big Bag of Chips

It seems to me that she's just closer to the other kids, and more comfortable in their company. Probably because she sees them more often.

You say they wouldn't see your kids at all unless you call over... Well does she see the other kids more often because they DO call over? I live 20 mins away from my parents, I get on great with them... They would never come to our house for a visit! I visit them.

2 of my nephews live in my parents house. Anyone talking to my mother would think she only has 2 grandkids But that's because she is in their daily life, and knows everything they do/say.

You seem to have a lot to say about your in-laws, and none of it good! Maybe you just all clash.

If you want your in-laws to be more involved with your kids, you are going to have to be like the others and call around very regularly. If you don't like them, their attitude, and the way they carry on, then why be bothered about whether or not your kids are the favourites? If anything, you should be keeping as much distance as possible, and be happy that your kids aren't sucked into the behaviour.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Well by the sound of it you live a good distance away from your mother in law.
If I am being honest you seem very judgmental of your brothers in laws and their wives/children. People aren't fools and they can pick up on the likes's of this.
Maybe your mother in law treats one lot of grand kids a bit different because she feels they might need a but more help. This is often the case. Not all families are perfect and sometimes some need more help than others.
You seem to talk down about your in laws to be honest. Just because you and your husband has achieved a lot. It might make you better at certain things but it doesn't make you a better than those people.
I would recommend that you try and make a better effort with you mother in law/sister in laws. Maybe they feel that you think your better than them. Try and come down to there level. Invite them over for tea/dinner some night with their kids and let your kids and their kids mix. So what if a child breaks a picture frame/vase. It doesn't make the child a bad child or a child who doesn't break something an angel.
Your in laws could general pick up on attitude that you think your better than them because of all that ye achieved and that your kids are so good they wouldn't break a thing. There is nothing worse than a person who thinks there better than someone else in my opinion and they could feel the same.

I do my best not to be judgemental, I really do. If anything they are the ones with big opinions of themselves. i'm more the quiet type. I think they don't like me for that tbh. I never thought I was better then other people, it's just me & himself achieved a lot when everything was stacked against us. I have tried the whole 'lets get together' but I feel the resentment. They can't bear to see our home, and because 2 of his brothers absolutely refuse to grow up, and make something of themselves, the in-laws totally dampen down the achievements of the others.

My husband has one brother who is in his thirtys, with a family, refuses to make a commitment to the girl (who is actually the best of the lot) yet has regular house partys, at his parents house (my inlaws) when they are not there. Invites all his friends, who are boy racers. no sign of him growing up. But my MIL thinks he is the bee's knees, cos he's a 'gas man'.

The kids being allowed to break things really is a problem for me, a child that's allowed to climb and take down pictures from the mantle piece, and bounce them off the floor, that's surely not okay. Mind you that's only one lot of grandkids. Maybe I am better off to keep my distance. I don't want our kids picking us bad habits, there's a reason for everything I suppose.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It seems to me that she's just closer to the other kids, and more comfortable in their company. Probably because she sees them more often.

You say they wouldn't see your kids at all unless you call over... Well does she see the other kids more often because they DO call over? I live 20 mins away from my parents, I get on great with them... They would never come to our house for a visit! I visit them.

2 of my nephews live in my parents house. Anyone talking to my mother would think she only has 2 grandkids But that's because she is in their daily life, and knows everything they do/say.

You seem to have a lot to say about your in-laws, and none of it good! Maybe you just all clash.

If you want your in-laws to be more involved with your kids, you are going to have to be like the others and call around very regularly. If you don't like them, their attitude, and the way they carry on, then why be bothered about whether or not your kids are the favourites? If anything, you should be keeping as much distance as possible, and be happy that your kids aren't sucked into the behaviour.

Yes, they call to see the other grandkids in their own home. But we live much further away than those kids. and Yes, I know it looks bad having nothing great to say abut the inlaws, but the other DIL's make use of them for babysitting. They kiss A*s a lot! I don't. lol.

You right, I should maybe continue to keep my distance. It's just when my mil tells me things like 'When I meet 'golden childs' kids down town I give them a tenner for sweets'....
no fear she'd put her hand in her pocket for our kids. It's almost as if she is okay with her sons and dil's blowing their money (those that work) on nights out, and stupid boy racer cars, and the kids looking like they are thrown together, cos she can come to the rescue then with nice outfits for the kids, babysitting ALL the time, money to the kids, food from the freezer to the adults, while it's obvious from FB that they have more then enough. My husband and I never asked them for anything, I think they resent that.

anyway, ya, I'll continue to steer clear I think. thanks ;-)

freshpopcorn

What exactly are these achievements OP? Just because you might own your own home and ye have good degrees/jobs doesn't make ye the bee's knees to be honest. Just because your in laws haven't achieved as much in your eyes. The guys/families have functioning relationships with there mother and the kids get on with there Nan. This to a lot of people is more important that academic achievements.
Maybe your attitude rubs off on your brother in laws. I know for a fact I would want nothing to do with someone who feels they have achieved so much more than me makes them better than me.
So what if he has parties with these 'boy racers' these are his friends. Just because there not good enough for you doesn't give you any right to look down on them.
So, what if the kids break things by the way you talk about your in laws your rarely there so how do you know it always happens? And there you go again 'I don't want my kids to have habits' This is you again acting better than someone else. You teach your kids the way you want to behave and explain to them that there not allowed to break things. It's a bit unfare you depriving the kids from their cousins because there not good enough for you.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

What exactly are these achievements OP? Just because you might own your own home and ye have good degrees/jobs doesn't make ye the bee's knees to be honest. Just because your in laws haven't achieved as much in your eyes. The guys/families have functioning relationships with there mother and the kids get on with there Nan. This to a lot of people is more important that academic achievements.
Maybe your attitude rubs off on your brother in laws. I know for a fact I would want nothing to do with someone who feels they have achieved so much more than me makes them better than me.
So what if he has parties with these 'boy racers' these are his friends. Just because there not good enough for you doesn't give you any right to look down on them.
So, what if the kids break things by the way you talk about your in laws your rarely there so how do you know it always happens? And there you go again 'I don't want my kids to have habits' This is you again acting better than someone else. You teach your kids the way you want to behave and explain to them that there not allowed to break things. It's a bit unfare you depriving the kids from their cousins because there not good enough for you.

I never said having our own home, or good degrees = the bees knees!!! I said there is more thought of the thirty something (won't, can't, couldn't be bother type of fella) who drives around in his car all day, doing nothing, and has to be pushed into spending time with his kids. He is the 'gas man' in his parents eyes.

Who was allowed to leave school when it was barely legal for him to, cos getting outta bed in the morning is such a drag. nothing to do with learning difficulties. Just lazy.
The other brothers come up with these cock & bull stories, and again can't won't couldn't be bother to try and do something about it.

The other brothers just hate it that my husband is successful, they deal with that by all of them staying away from eachother. This has rubbed of on their other halves. this I can't help. They prefer to drink it, then save it for a rainy day, and have a good quality of life for themselves and their kids. Yet they judge me & hubby, and 'literally' look down their noses at us, especially if we do happen to cross paths the odd occasion.

I wouldn't, haven't deprived our kids from their cousins, we move in different circles. One lot of the grandkids (the uncontrollable ones) tell lot of lies, and has been caught out a lot of time blaming others for what they have done. Physically hurting too, when there is no need for it.

It all boils down to all the brothers having the same opportunity's growing up. They came from a nice home. My husband really took the bull by the horns though, and really made it happen, it wasn't just talk. The rest of them smooched around for quite a few years, had a few children.
What happens with the brothers doesn't really bother me tbh. What does bother me is my husbands sister in laws are the essence of laziness, and my mil loves them for that. My MIL keeps a spotless house, immaculate. It doesn't make sense.

Anyway, it makes no difference. It is, what it is.

freshpopcorn

reallypeeved wrote: »

I never said having our own home, or good degrees = the bees knees!!! I said there is more thought of the thirty something (won't, can't, couldn't be bother type of fella) who drives around in his car all day, doing nothing, and has to be pushed into spending time with his kids. He is the 'gas man' in his parents eyes.
Who was allowed to leave school when it was barely legal for him to, cos getting outta bed in the morning is such a drag. nothing to do with learning difficulties. Just lazy.
The other brothers come up with these cock & bull stories, and again can't won't couldn't be bother to try and do something about it.
The other brothers just hate it that my husband is successful, they deal with that by all of them staying away from eachother. This has rubbed of on their other halves. this I can't help. They prefer to drink it, then save it for a rainy day, and have a good quality of life for themselves and their kids. Yet they judge me & hubby, and 'literally' look down their noses at us, especially if we do happen to cross paths the odd occasion.
I wouldn't, haven't deprived our kids from their cousins, we move in different circles. One lot of the grandkids (the uncontrollable ones) tell lot of lies, and has been caught out a lot of time blaming others for what they have done. Physically hurting too, when there is no need for it.
It all boils down to all the brothers having the same opportunity's growing up. They came from a nice home. My husband really took the bull by the horns though, and really made it happen, it wasn't just talk. The rest of them smooched around for quite a few years, had a few children.
What happens with the brothers doesn't really bother me tbh. What does bother me is my husbands sister in laws are the essence of laziness, and my mil loves them for that. My MIL keeps a spotless house, immaculate. It doesn't make sense.

Anyway, it makes no difference. It is, what it is.

This is my opinion.

Different people see's achievements differently. You keep on saying there useless and just drive around all day and all of this this attitude probably rubs of on them and no wonder they don't get on with ye.
Just because your husband might have achieved more doesn't make ye better people to be honest. Are ye nice people? Maybe his brothers are nice to there parents. A lot of people doesn't need to be success to be good people.
Maybe her other daughter in laws are nice and chatty to her and have a gossip with her maybe she likes that. Just because their houses aren't immaculate doesn't make them bad people for god sake and just because you have a clean house doesn't make you a good person.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

This is my opinion.

Different people see's achievements differently. You keep on saying there useless and just drive around all day and all of this this attitude probably rubs of on them and no wonder they don't get on with ye.
Just because your husband might have achieved more doesn't make ye better people to be honest. Are ye nice people? Maybe his brothers are nice to there parents. A lot of people doesn't need to be success to be good people.
Maybe her other daughter in laws are nice and chatty to her and have a gossip with her maybe she likes that. Just because their houses aren't immaculate doesn't make them bad people for god sake and just because you have a clean house doesn't make you a good person.

Well, they aren't totally useless, but their lack of willingness to, do anything, is rewarded with a pat on the back form their parents. None of them are putting in the hours my husband is, none of them would actually even know where to start. My husband willingly works, to provide. They don't willingly do anything. She was too soft on them, and tough on my other half, needlessly, considering how great he got on at school etc, To be fair now, they judge us cos we are comfortable, they can't even bring themselves to visit my husband, or our kids (me aside) because of this. Yet we have visited all of them so very very often.

I never insinuated that a dirty house equals a 'bad person' but to be honest, if you have a stay at home mom with a couple of kids there is 'some' level of tidiness/cleaning she 'could' do. Nah, not a tap.

I think every child needs a 'bit' of praise form a parent at some stage in their life, this isn't asking for much. There attitude to us being happy, comfortable, happy healthy kids, is to put the blinkers on.

Their thirty something yr old, likes to add pictures to his FB page showing how many bottles of beer he can manage to squeeze into the fridge, for yet another house party, but ends up raiding his parents house for food etc. priorities?

another fella, bought a really nice car (boys & their toys & all), but is having trouble taxing & insuring it. He didn't notice this when buying it???? WT? Guess who will fund that? Actually, I'd love to introduce him to a bar of Palmolive... He too has no home, a wife and child to support, actually they never have that child, always pawned off on...whoever.

All of the above I can tolerate, as they are might be a bit dim. that's okay, no one is perfect. But when their is a big deal made out of their kids, and ours is ignored. well that's playing favourites as far as I'm concerned. It's not all about the money you know, kids need love & cuddles first. There is (I know) handfuls of money going in there hand over fist. Outfits for the kids, toys. Even though they now it's being drank, Our kids are ignored. I don't need their money, it's the principal of it. For a MIL that's so opinionated, she can't see what happening under her own nose.

I have tried the chatty chats with my MIL, but I'm not the type to keel over laughing just cos... the child burped, and then go on to tell the story from the very start to every soul that walks through the door. I feel sorry for my kids, any toys that are brought into their house is with the other grandkids specifically in mind.

CaraMay

You come access as incredibly judgemental and obviously not very self aware if you can describe yourself as nonjudgmental ...

It's all fine and well having manners on kids but do they know how to have fun and play like kids? I agree the family know they are being judged by you and I guess they don like it.

daisybelle2008

OP you'd both probably be doing each other a massive favour by avoiding each other. Rightly or wrongly they appear to see you as a pass remarkable, snotty, fun-vacuum that thinks you are a bit above them and you see them as lazy, dirty & and generally lacking.

It seems to be consuming you in a very negative way. Would you consider some kind of counselling to help get perspective and deal with the situation? Not saying there is anything wrong with you as such. But it might help you better deal with your negative emotions towards the situation and avoid strained and acrimonious tensions and get some perspective and balance.

K_P

I have to agree with other posters, OP. You and your in-laws sound like very different types of people - different values, interests, ways of raising children, etc. it doesn't mean one group is right and the other wrong necessarily. You're just different. But it does beg the question as to why you're so desperate for the attention and approval of people you don't seem to even like.

What I think is the real problem here is how you're getting so obsessed with the small details of your relationship - who visited who and how often, amounts of money given to different sets of children, how others spend their money, how many times your in laws go out, how many times other in laws babysit, even Facebook photos ffs! None of this is ANY of your business and obsessing over it is only making you miserable.

Stop doing this. Be as pleasant and polite to your in laws as you can but don't expect a hugely close relationship with them as it's just not going to happen all of a sudden. Make sure your children appreciate the time they have with their grandparents while they're still around. Take a step back from keeping tabs on every detail of the lives of people you clearly dislike. You sound like you have a good husband and kids and a happy life together. Focus on that instead.

LegacyUser

K_P wrote: »

I have to agree with other posters, OP. You and your in-laws sound like very different types of people - different values, interests, ways of raising children, etc. it doesn't mean one group is right and the other wrong necessarily. You're just different. But it does beg the question as to why you're so desperate for the attention and approval of people you don't seem to even like.

What I think is the real problem here is how you're getting so obsessed with the small details of your relationship - who visited who and how often, amounts of money given to different sets of children, how others spend their money, how many times your in laws go out, how many times other in laws babysit, even Facebook photos ffs! None of this is ANY of your business and obsessing over it is only making you miserable.

Stop doing this. Be as pleasant and polite to your in laws as you can but don't expect a hugely close relationship with them as it's just not going to happen all of a sudden. Make sure your children appreciate the time they have with their grandparents while they're still around. Take a step back from keeping tabs on every detail of the lives of people you clearly dislike. You sound like you have a good husband and kids and a happy life together. Focus on that instead.

Oh I know ourselves here and my inlaws are different. To be fair, my MIL keeps a beautiful home, and it's spotless. I don't think I'm getting obsessed tbf, but when the whole conversation revolves around other grandchildren, and not a nod towards mine? c'mon like! I have (naturally) all his family on facebook, even my husband comments on the amount of time my MIL & FIL call to his brothers houses, or take the kids out, while ours won't even get a phone call of them. Making sauce of one, soup of the other. MIL tells me all the things they buy for the other grandkids, and the money they give them, and how often they babysit for them. This could be brought up in conversation while talking about something completley different. They misspell our sons name in his birthday cards!!!!!! Like hello? It's not even a complicated name, or unusual. It's a regular name.

It can be fierce difficult not to have an opinion when you look at their kids indoor all day Sunday, just cos their mam & dad have a hangover yet again. Everyweek. YEt I have to listen to how great they are. Their houses are walking with the dirt, keep in mind MIL house is spotless. Maybe this is why the Inlaws are spending so much time with those kids, as their parents aren't bothered, but why then boast about the likes of them to me?

And why not even bother ringing their other grandkids? Just to say hello.

By the way, ( to a previous poster) My kids have had a lovely summer, and are going away again this weekend, their choice. Of course they know how to have fun. But a child having fun, and other kids left run wild is a different thing.

Having to lock every door in the house, cos the 10 yr old likes to bounce pictures, vases, bowls, ornaments off the wooden floor? and and mam & dad says 'ah no' 'dats bold now' c'mon like! That young fella is doted on btw. While they are running behind him locking doors, he's running to the next room to do the same. Is that how kids have fun?

Money clothes houses and cars don't make a person. Your either born with kindness or not. But I have to call a spade a spade. Even my husband has picked up on it all. I'm damned if I do and damned if I dont. MIL can be opinionated herself too ya know!

K_P

Ah come on OP, are you listening to anything people are saying to you here? Every one of your posts is you just b*tching about your in-laws. What does the cleanliness of anyone's house have to do with anything?

No one can say for sure why your mother in law dotes on some grandchildren and not on others. It could be that she's genuinely closer to some of her children and therefore their grandchildren. From what you've said, all your BILs and SILs sound quite similar (you certainly look down on them all in the same way) so maybe they have similar interests, values and senses of humour to your mother in law and just get on better.

This situation won't change unless you're willing to put a lot of time and effort into building up and maintaining a relationship with your in-laws. But you don't even like them, you disapprove of their lifestyles and you clearly look down on them and their choices in life. Why do you want a close relationship with them?

This is going to sound harsh and I don't mean it to be, but I'm not quite sure how else to phrase it. It sounds to me as though you're hurt you're not being universally admired and congratulated on being successful, "clean living" and having a clean house. You feel you've made all the right decisions in life and you're not getting the recognition for it. But those aren't everyone's values. You can get bitter about how unfair this is, or you can just accept it and move on.

reallypeeved wrote: »

Money clothes houses and cars don't make a person. Your either born with kindness or not.

I couldn't agree more, OP. And I think you'd do well to remember that too.

I wish you the best of luck OP, I really do. Families can be hard, and in-laws doubly so. But you need to focus on you, your husband and your children and leave your in-laws to their own devices.

Neyite

K_P wrote: »

It sounds to me as though you're hurt you're not being universally admired and congratulated on being successful, "clean living" and having a clean house. You feel you've made all the right decisions in life and you're not getting the recognition for it. But those aren't everyone's values. You can get bitter about how unfair this is, or you can just accept it and move on.

This stood out for me, OP. You seem to crave approval from these in-laws, and I wonder why. You dont like some of them, you dont agree with the way they live, work, run their home or look after children. So I dont get why you care so much, why it frustrates you so much that you dont get the attention from them?

This is going to sound tough to hear, but you think that they dont know what you secretly think? They are not stupid. They KNOW. I'd have zero time for a family member that sat in my house silently judging me, my relationship, my career choices, my home and my children. In fact, I'd just about be politely civil to them.

And this is what I suspect is happening here. Your parents in law may admire your career, think you keep a spotless house, and are rearing your children fine, but they may not like you very much. Just like you sound like you dont like them very much.

You say that you are not judgemental, but you really, really are - your posts show that you have very definate opinions on every single person that you mention and that you have a very rigid standard to which you see them all falling short of.

freshpopcorn

The kid might have a behavior issue that you don't know about that's causes them to act out and the parents might be trying have you ever taught of this?
I doubt the parents would discuss it with you because you seem very judging and they might feel it would be another reason for you to look down on them. The Mother in law might know this and that's why she's nice to them. She might feel they need more help than ye do.
Also I feel that your in laws might pick up on the fact that you JUDGE them. When you read all your posts you just look down on them. I can stand a lot of things. I can deal with people with various issues but I find there's not worse then someone who thinks there better than me and most people are like this. Your in laws probably pick up on the fact that you judge them for who they are. There not fools.

Slime Princess

As someone who also has problems with their own in laws I understand how difficult it is to get along with people who don't like you, who you have fairly little in common with and who let their favouritism of their children colour the interactions they have not only with their child but also with that child's partner and/or family. But I also know that sometimes you just need to suck it up and get on with it for the sake of your other half (and your children). You can't let your kids hear you giving out about your in laws as it could not only potentially damage their relationship with their Granny, cousins, aunts and uncles, it might give them the impression that its perfectly reasonable to be judgemental and look down on people who aren't as well off, intelligent or well turned out as they are. And its really, really not.

You can't be obsessing over the minutia of your in-laws everyday lives. About the cleanliness of their homes, their motoring purchases or social lives. Not only are they none any of your concern, you'll wreck own head by drawing tit for tat comparisons between your life and theirs, your children and theirs. Its not good for your own head above everything else. If you honestly believe that the way your husbands siblings, their partners and children is of detriment to your own young family be it by bad influence or emotionally damaging them. Then you and your husband need to monitor or limit contact with them. If they are being told outright by your mother in law that they aren't as good as their cousins and their achievements are being belittle then this needs to be nipped in the bud. And your husband needs to have a word with his mother about this.

Also just remember that the image people project of themselves on Facebook isn't really them. Its an image they project, its the person they want people to see. Its their best foot forward or them boasting about how they can afford something easily when they had to save for months for it or its someone who only post pictures of themselves on nights out because they want everyone to believe how popular they are. You cannot judge someone on their facebook profile.

Just a quick point as you seem quite resentful over the money your in-laws are giving to your nephews and nieces. You've pointed out that your husband's siblings aren't as well off as you are and that they would often struggle to provide food and clothing for their children. Perhaps your mother in law doesn't want this to impact on the kids too badly and is doing what a lot of doting grannies do and treating the kids to some pocket money for sweets they otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford or childhood outings they otherwise would have missed out on.

Your children are lucky enough to have parents who have the foresight and funding to provide them with these things and don't need granny to pay for them. At the end of the day your mother in law is entitled to spend her money however she deems fit, and should she decide to treat some of her grandchildren and that is her business not yours.

If you want your children (and yourself) to have a better relationship with your in laws you need to be the one to cultivate it. You need to be the one that puts the effort in, even if they don't want to reciprocate, it might not be fair but that's just how it is sometimes. If you live far away then start a routine of having the kids call their Nana once a week for a couple of minutes, let them talk and tell her about their days and what goes on their lives so your mother in law has the opportunity to talk to them about something other than their cousins. Like K_P says, a strong bond won't be formed overnight (and it may take years of phone calls and visits before your children become closer to their Gran) but its a foundation to build on.

As for yourself, find something that you can share an interest in or if you can't, feign an interest in one theirs so you can something to talk about. With exceptions like for certain situations like bullying or safety etc (which obviously isn't something that's a problem for you), you should remember that your responsibility to form a decent enough relationship with your in-laws isn't about you, its about your husband and your children. So that you are doing all you can to facilitate their relationship with all their family is as stress free as possible. A lot of us have difficult in laws and a lot of us have to do it, and if the pay off is that your children can be closer to your husband's parents then surely it has to be worth it?

December2012

You are too judgmental.

You are holding people up to your ideal and ridiculing them because they don't hit your markers.

People can tell when they're around a phony.

Pessimist

I don't think you're a bad person but you do come across as a very angry and judgemental person in your posts. When we have been hurt by people's comments and actions over a number of years we can let jealousy and anger blind us and overtake reason. If you re-read your posts I hope you can see what some of the rest of us a do - a very angry person who comes across as spiteful and judgemental.

I think you need to take a huge step back here and work on yourself before you try to work on your relationship with your in-laws. Perhaps counseling would help deal with the anger and resentment you feel towards your in-laws and lessen this huge load of hate you are carrying on your back. I am sure you are a good mother and otherwise a good person, but until you deal with this rage you have inside yourself, you'll never be able to move on, see things how they really are or be able to teach your kids that love and empathy are so much more important than tit for tat or being 'better' than other people.

Once you deal with this anger and you can be free of it regardless of your in-laws actions then perhaps try to find some common ground with them and start afresh. It's so important that your kids are allowed an unbiased relationship with them - you don't want them thinking their grandparents prefer their cousins because they hear you say so/act that way.

I would take this as an opportunity to work on yourself - you may be surprised how liberating it feels to be free of anger, hurt and jealousy.

LegacyUser

It's only cos I was judged by the for so many years. That's why it hurts. I had them, all of them, telling me & hubby what to do and when to do it. forcing their own opinions, what type of house to build, what employment to go into etc. God forbid, we wouldn't take them up on their suggestions. Roll on a few years and the tables have totally turned.

It IS blatantly obvious (after I discussed this thread with my hubby, and the replies) that he has always felt that he was excluded growing up. So why change the habit of a life time I suppose.

We will continue to let the sister in laws live in filth they seem happy with it.
We will continue to being last on the list as far as his parents are concerned,
We will continue to provide for our kids.

my husband commented that his parents have made it quiet obvious themselves, of their OWN resentment of us, as just being a happy couple, for not NEEDING them.

I did the whole 'let the kids ring' - no interest. I suppose if MIL had no interest in their dad, then she'll have no interest in his kids. Simple as.

LegacyUser

I don't think the OP is desperate for approval for herself, I think she is angry because her kids are getting put down and being treated as less important by this mother in law.
This is what I believe is making the OP so angry, I think without her kid's feelings being in the picture the the OP probably wouldn't give a hoot about the MIL. But for someone to treat your kids as less loved than another set of relatives, would I'm sure infuriate a lot of parents and make them start questioning why, and also making comparisons with those kids who do get all the love. I think that is a normal reaction to be hurt and angry.

I also think it's completely understandable that the OP is judgemental.

People can be wishy washy and say all day long that nobody is better than anyone else, or that these people just have "different values", but come on let's call a spade a spade - they sound like a pack of fecking wasters!
Spending the kid's sweet money on drink, never doing anything with the kids at the weekend because they are too hungover to move EVERY single week, throwing dirty nappies into a pile behind couches because they are too lazy to use a bin (1 nappy may be understandable but a row of them?!), letting their kids run riot and smash up people's belongings, a MIL who encourages and praises rudeness/cheeky back chat even though she knows it goes against the parents values, reverse snobbery, not even learning to spell your child's name and constantly favouring and comparing that other bunch of kids above your own!

I would think I was better than these people too, and would not want to associate with them unless they had some other redeeming qualities like a kind personality or something. You haven't mentioned that lot having any redeeming qualities though, in fact they seem to dislike you quite a bit too so I would just stay well clear.

Leave the door open for granny and cousins to visit if they wish but I would stop chasing them now. I think a grandmother who was constantly comparing and showing more love to other grand kids would do far more damage to your kid's self esteem than an absent granny.

I'll probably get lambasted too now for being a 'snob'/judgemental but so be it.

jdsk2006

I don't totally agree wit a few of the replies around here. I can see what irritates you. I don't think you sound judgemental. Angry yes, but i don't blame you.
As a mother myself op, can i just say this much......count yourself very very lucky they are not much involved wit your kids. As parents we have a duty to censor the bits that goes against our morals......luckily for you your inlaws make that very easy for you to do!

By the way, even adult kids seek approval from their parents and your dh has obviously never got it. Its ok to feel angry and hurt that your dh and his family are overlooked.....you love the man afterall!

I also want to say you sound like a very together and strong character, you have both "built your castle" on your own merit and clearly have a good work ethic. Never excuse yourself for your morals or good manners op.
It takes super qualities in a person to raise super children......your on the right track. Your husband appears to be a survivor of his childhood and his siblings are a product of theirs imo!

freshpopcorn

reallypeeved wrote: »

It IS blatantly obvious (after I discussed this thread with my hubby, and the replies) that he has always felt that he was excluded growing up. So why change the habit of a life time I suppose.

We will continue to let the sister in laws live in filth they seem happy with it.
We will continue to being last on the list as far as his parents are concerned,
We will continue to provide for our kids.

my husband commented that his parents have made it quiet obvious themselves, of their OWN resentment of us, as just being a happy couple, for not NEEDING them.

I did the whole 'let the kids ring' - no interest. I suppose if MIL had no interest in their dad, then she'll have no interest in his kids. Simple as.

I am going to be slatted for this but your husband sounds like the black sheep of the family. When i say this he's always being different from his siblings. This often happens. I don't know the full situation here so I can't really say Is he's different in a good way or bad way to his other siblings. If I met you and your husband/kids in the street ye might be the nicest people ever or I might find ye snobby/unkind. The same goes for your brother in laws family they might be nice or horrible.
This is a bit of advice for you. You came here looking for it.
Just because somebodies house isn't tidy enough for you doesn't make them a bad person.
You might be last on the list but ask yourself why? According to you. Ye live miles away from them and the other brothers are bad parents. So maybe this is why these grand kids might get more attention. Ask yourself this? If you were the mother in law. Who would you help the family that is struggling and that needs help or the family that seems to have the perfect life/house/jobs? I know that I would give my help to the people that needed it.
And remember OP no one is perfect. Siblings fight/row/don't get along at times.

Hannibal Smith

Fair play to you and your husband OP for all you've achieved. No matter what it is, or how major or minor other people view it, the fact that you've worked hard to achieve your goals, you should be proud of yourselves.

I know the type of people you're talking about, I think. You know what, even if you are judgmental about the in laws, they're judging you by all accounts so what's good for the goose and all that.

I reckon I could handle the judgement if it was just aimed at me, but when its deflected on to the grand kids too, I would be as unhappy and hurt as you.

However if she's the type that doesn't treat her own kids equally, she's not going to see she should be treating her grandkids equally. You can't be expected to do all the work, shes a grandmother aand you did the inviting over but it was uncomfortable because she made it so, I would just cut her off to be honest. What are you going to miss out on? Nothing by the sounds of it, so detach yourself from it and let het go.

osarusan

What does your mother in law say about you and your family to her other children and their families? How does she describe you?

LegacyUser

StayClearOfThem wrote: »

I don't think the OP is desperate for approval for herself, I think she is angry because her kids are getting put down and being treated as less important by this mother in law.
This is what I believe is making the OP so angry, I think without her kid's feelings being in the picture the the OP probably wouldn't give a hoot about the MIL. But for someone to treat your kids as less loved than another set of relatives, would I'm sure infuriate a lot of parents and make them start questioning why, and also making comparisons with those kids who do get all the love. I think that is a normal reaction to be hurt and angry.

I also think it's completely understandable that the OP is judgemental.

People can be wishy washy and say all day long that nobody is better than anyone else, or that these people just have "different values", but come on let's call a spade a spade - they sound like a pack of fecking wasters!
Spending the kid's sweet money on drink, never doing anything with the kids at the weekend because they are too hungover to move EVERY single week, throwing dirty nappies into a pile behind couches because they are too lazy to use a bin (1 nappy may be understandable but a row of them?!), letting their kids run riot and smash up people's belongings, a MIL who encourages and praises rudeness/cheeky back chat even though she knows it goes against the parents values, reverse snobbery, not even learning to spell your child's name and constantly favouring and comparing that other bunch of kids above your own!

I would think I was better than these people too, and would not want to associate with them unless they had some other redeeming qualities like a kind personality or something. You haven't mentioned that lot having any redeeming qualities though, in fact they seem to dislike you quite a bit too so I would just stay well clear.

Leave the door open for granny and cousins to visit if they wish but I would stop chasing them now. I think a grandmother who was constantly comparing and showing more love to other grand kids would do far more damage to your kid's self esteem than an absent granny.

I'll probably get lambasted too now for being a 'snob'/judgemental but so be it.

Thank you for taking the time to read everything I posted, and thank you for actually understanding what I was trying to say. Yes, when our kids were being constantly ignored I naturally stood back to look at the bigger picture. A bit like saying 'Right, what's so special about them'? It was then I really realised how different they are to us.

something quiet nasty happened over the weekend, we cut our weekend away short. I won't go into details, but hubby sat with me last night, as told me straight out, we are to stay away from his family. This is souly to protect our kids feelings. Too many times their feelings were hurt, and it happened again. MIL making loads of promises time and time again, and never following through with it. But would never let the others down. Hubby 's feelings were hurt too, but he said he is used to being at the bottom of the pile. That's sad.

It's great that so many here, like the everything so PC. Well sometimes being PC is a joke. A house smelling of dirty nappies, and rows of used bottles is disgusting and lazy. This is ALL the time. ALL the time. I can't see how anyone could be even remotely considered a good mum, or someone to praise when they live in a hovel, proudly. Basic cleanliness.

LegacyUser

jdsk2006 wrote: »

I don't totally agree wit a few of the replies around here. I can see what irritates you. I don't think you sound judgemental. Angry yes, but i don't blame you.
As a mother myself op, can i just say this much......count yourself very very lucky they are not much involved wit your kids. As parents we have a duty to censor the bits that goes against our morals......luckily for you your inlaws make that very easy for you to do!

By the way, even adult kids seek approval from their parents and your dh has obviously never got it. Its ok to feel angry and hurt that your dh and his family are overlooked.....you love the man afterall!

I also want to say you sound like a very together and strong character, you have both "built your castle" on your own merit and clearly have a good work ethic. Never excuse yourself for your morals or good manners op.
It takes super qualities in a person to raise super children......your on the right track. Your husband appears to be a survivor of his childhood and his siblings are a product of theirs imo!

Thank you for understanding, and yes hubby has always craved a pat on the back from his parents, but never got it. he was always the one with 2 jobs on the go, saving all the time, while the others were out drinking all the time. Always made the effort for approval, but his parents were in their own way jealous of him. How wrong is that? I think this attitude has rubbed off on his brothers. Him not being the eldest and having more success in life has left a bitter taste for all them. I suppose their are mothers out there that like disorder in the family. Your right, my husband is a survivor of his childhood. He did very well, maybe he did TOO well? It's just very very sad sometimes, and I must admit, I get very down about it. not to mention a bit jealous!

LegacyUser

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Fair play to you and your husband OP for all you've achieved. No matter what it is, or how major or minor other people view it, the fact that you've worked hard to achieve your goals, you should be proud of yourselves.

I know the type of people you're talking about, I think. You know what, even if you are judgmental about the in laws, they're judging you by all accounts so what's good for the goose and all that.

I reckon I could handle the judgement if it was just aimed at me, but when its deflected on to the grand kids too, I would be as unhappy and hurt as you.

However if she's the type that doesn't treat her own kids equally, she's not going to see she should be treating her grandkids equally. You can't be expected to do all the work, shes a grandmother aand you did the inviting over but it was uncomfortable because she made it so, I would just cut her off to be honest. What are you going to miss out on? Nothing by the sounds of it, so detach yourself from it and let het go.[/QUOT

Your Right, she never treated her own kids fairly, she won't treat the grandkids fairly either. My husband said something similar last night. Sometimes it helps to have someone else explain it though! She was always mad about the eldest fella, and now is all over his kids. And F*cK the rest of them. Can I just point out, the eldest fella in particular isn't short of a bob. But would have a whole lot more IF they didn't drink so much. whether or not the kids need their nana to give them money or not...they get it anyway, unquestioned. simply cos of who they are.

Everyone starts somewhere, and in days of old when we were strapped for cash, she never treated our kids. When She KNEW we had NOTHING, and they were pulling in over £900 a week. Before the euro. We were often stuck for a box of baby milk, and she knew it, and never offered as much as a fiver. Of course now we are the ones (thank God) with the bobs and she hates that!

Our kids get nothing off them. NOTHING. they are older now, and they notice they are pushed to one side. I'm p*ssed off on behalf of my kids. It doesn't help that my husband is the quiet type. I feel sorry for them and for him.

He told me last night, that when she is old and decrepped that it is then he'll stand there and just laugh at her!!!!!! so it'd cutting him deeply. This is not the way family is supposed to be.

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

What does your mother in law say about you and your family to her other children and their families? How does she describe you?

I really don't know. I know they whisper away between themselves, but one wouldn't hang the other. So, I don't know how she would describe me. I know how she treated my husband growing up. She knew he was the quiet, deep sort of fella. She used this to get her own way constantly. Only woman in the house. then I came along, and married him. took him away. But it's only in recent years that we moved MILES away. He was always very private, she is very nosy. I tell her nothing. I talk about everything, but not the nitty gritty. Maybe this is what she resents.

I'm generally a happy type of person, and don't show my emotions to her. I keep things light hearted, and merry. I don't p*ss and moan about everything. Maybe we are TOO happy, I don't know really.

LegacyUser

They sound like a nightmare to be honest. You and your family should be happier without them in the long run. Of course it will hurt for awhile but I think ye will just keep getting consistently hurt if ye continue to see her and she keeps putting ye down.

Maybe your husband could speak with a counsellor about his feelings. It must be horrible to be singled out negatively like that by your parents. :-(

Best of luck whatever ye decide.

freshpopcorn

After reading this thread OP and offering you advice.
I have come to the conclusion that situation is not going to change. You have your views about your in laws and your not going change them. You simply feel better(you might be, I don't know the situation so I can't tell if you and your husband are the better people or if it your in laws).
You also don't know everything that goes on in your in laws lives. You have know idea what they might have went through in the past. Your husband doesn't know everything. Just because ye now have more money doesn't make ye better people it just makes you richer.
Clearly these people are different to you and your husband and in away ye're better off without them if they cause you so much bother.
Good Luck.

K_P

OP, I'm sorry that something bad happened over the weekend, but if the result of it is that you'll be keeping a distance from your in-laws in future, then that might not be such a bad thing overall for you, your husband and kids.

I'm sure you think I'm one of the posters who's being "PC" and is against you so you'll probably dismiss what I'm saying. But I have no agenda here whatsoever other than giving some advice. You HAVE to let go of the bitterness you have towards your in laws. That doesn't mean you have to like them or approve of how they live. But turn a blind eye to all the details of their lives that are none of your business and that annoy you. By focusing on these, you're only creating resentment and bitterness within yourself.

I mean, you still remember how much your in laws earned over a decade ago. They didn't help you out at the time when you were struggling. Unfair? Very possibly. But WHY focus on that now? You can be damn sure no one else remembers that, yet it's still something that upsets you.

You badly need some mental and emotional distance from these people. All the physical distance in the world won't matter if you can't let go of the past and change your attitude to these people. Why should you be the one to change? Because the only ones hurting here are you and your husband and the only person's whose behaviour you can change is your own.