Boyfriends secret devastated me

LegacyUser

I really need advice. I don't know what to do or how to feel. Yesterday morning I woke up happily beside my gorgeous boyfriend. Everything has been going great. We've been together just under a year and live together. I have been in love before but not like this, yesterday I would have married him there and then.

Then lastnight my whole life changed, I have never felt so much heartache. I got a message from a girl online saying hello and I asked my bf who she was. He broke down and told me he had a sexual relationship with her a few months before he met me and she became pregnant. She gave birth to his son in March.


I knew nothing about this. My bf even saw him 2 weeks ago but told me he was somewhere else. The baby now lives in the mother's home country and aside from child support she wants nothing to do with my bf as she is already engaged.

My heart is broken. I've never cried so much, how am I supposed to feel? I've cried all night, I even vomited when he told me. I love him so much and thought we were meant to be a team forever but now I feel like I have no options other than leave him. I can't cope with that thought or the fact that he's experienced becoming a dad with another woman.
And I know the little boy is blameless. I have nothing but good wishes for the little fella, his parents messed up but it's not his fault.

fungun

I can't cope with that thought or the fact that he's experienced becoming a dad with another woman.

From your post it doesnt sound like he is experiencing being a Dad. Sounds like he made a girl pregnant, not the same thing at all. I still think if you have a child in the future it will be the same unique experience for you both, so I wouldnt worry about that.


However I would worry about how you are living together and he kept this a secret (by specifically lying to you) and Id wonder when exactly was he planning to tell you he had a child....it took an online message from someone else for this to come out.

ShaShaBear

Agreed as above OP, I would be more concerned about the lying and deceit than the fact that he has a child with someone else.
I thought you needed permission from both parents to move a child out of the country? In which case, did he agree to have the child removed from his presence?

ABajaninCork

Depends on whether the father was named on the birth cert or not. And whether he has joint guardianship. Sounds as though it's the latter; i.e. he does not have joint guardianship. So the mother can take the child wherever she wants, and the poor old father has no say...

StillWaters

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I thought you needed permission from both parents to move a child out of the country? In which case, did he agree to have the child removed from his presence?

I imagine he hasn't got guardianship. OP I would be very concerned at how and why he kept this from you.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, for a start he didn't cheat on you. This was before you got together. So at least that's something. My issue would be finding out from him why he kept it from you? How long had he known? Did he know she was pregnant before he started going out with you, and didn't know how to bring it up?

I don't think the issue should be the fact that he has a child. I think the biggest issue is it seems like he had no intention of telling you.... Was he trying to "protect" you?

On a seperate note, I don't think it was her place to contact you at all. Sounds like she set out to sht stir.. and she's succeeded.

Neyite

It may even be a case of him waiting until the baby was born to request a paternity test - why freak you out with news of fatherhood if he was never the dad to begin with?

OP it takes much more to be a father. Right now, he is not much more than a sperm donor. But I agree with Big Bag of Chips - why the need to contact you unless she wants to sabotage your relationship. And why would she even want to do that if she does not want your boyfriend back? Unless he was dodging paying maintenance. Not supporting the child you helped create would be a deal-breaker for me.

When did he find out that he was a father? It could have been just two weeks ago when he saw the child, it could have been in March, when she had it. I don't know, but chances are that he didn't want to tell you for fear of ruining the relationship. Truth is, other people would have probably reacted the same way. You have to remember that they had their sexual relationship before he met you, so he didn't cheat. Sure, he lied/didn't tell you, but as I stated before, perhaps he thought it would ruin it.

What I really don't understand is why the woman felt the need to contact you. She doesn't want child support. She doesn't want him being involved. She is engaged. So what has it to do with you? Just seemed like she was trying to sabotage your relationship, OP. And now it's up to you to decide whether you'll let her or not.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I can't even go outside, I can't eat, I can't bring myself to tell a friend so your responses are the only outside views I've got.

He said the reason he didn't tell me was that I made a comment about my cousin whose husband fathered a child outside their marriage that made him think kids would be a deal breaker and I'd never give him a chance. He knew about the pregnancy from the start. He said he always wanted to tell me but was afraid I'd leave him and that the lie kept getting bigger and bigger. I understand how it happened, I just don't accept it because it's cowardly and cruel. He pays a direct debit for the baby but isn't always allowed to see him because understandably her fiance wants people to think the kid is his. He's only seen him a few times and when I asked about fighting to keep him here he said legally the child is registered as the fiancees. It still makes me uneasy to think of a little boy growing up not knowing who his biological father is but by all accounts her fiancee IS the one doing all the dad stuff. My bf just pays maintenance from what I know. I only found out about all this lastnight so my details aren't great.

Aside from all the maintenance side, how do I cope with the deceit? I understand how it happened but it hurts so much and it's like the man I thought I knew inside out is somebody else completely. I love him but can I stay with him now? He said he will do anything to make me stay, including couples counseling but can we really recover from this? He's hid this huge secret for our whole relationship and yet the only time I can seem to catch my breath since hearing the news is when he comforts me.

ABajaninCork

First of all - you need to work out what you REALLY want. From what I've read, it looks as though both of you want to stay together. That's good. Your BF also wants to go to counselling. That's VERY good!

He realises that he ****** up and wants to make amends. Counselling for you alone would be good. I'd start off with just fixing you, then do the couples part later.

But if you're staying together, then you need to make it VERY plain he's lied to you for the last time. He needs to work VERY hard to regain your trust. Not just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. One more **** up and he gets his walking papers.

I wish you luck!

Emme

Opanswering wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. I can't even go outside, I can't eat, I can't bring myself to tell a friend so your responses are the only outside views I've got.

He said the reason he didn't tell me was that I made a comment about my cousin whose husband fathered a child outside their marriage that made him think kids would be a deal breaker and I'd never give him a chance. He knew about the pregnancy from the start. He said he always wanted to tell me but was afraid I'd leave him and that the lie kept getting bigger and bigger. I understand how it happened, I just don't accept it because it's cowardly and cruel. He pays a direct debit for the baby but isn't always allowed to see him because understandably her fiance wants people to think the kid is his. He's only seen him a few times and when I asked about fighting to keep him here he said legally the child is registered as the fiancees. It still makes me uneasy to think of a little boy growing up not knowing who his biological father is but by all accounts her fiancee IS the one doing all the dad stuff. My bf just pays maintenance from what I know. I only found out about all this lastnight so my details aren't great.

Aside from all the maintenance side, how do I cope with the deceit? I understand how it happened but it hurts so much and it's like the man I thought I knew inside out is somebody else completely. I love him but can I stay with him now? He said he will do anything to make me stay, including couples counseling but can we really recover from this? He's hid this huge secret for our whole relationship and yet the only time I can seem to catch my breath since hearing the news is when he comforts me.

I'd be concerned about him keeping the secret from you but he might have been trying to protect you. It sounds like the mother of the child was being spiteful when she contacted you but would you have found out otherwise? If he wasn't paying maintenance for the child it might not be such a big deal, but not telling you about a child he is paying maintenance for is unwise if he was serious about you.

He will probably have to pay maintenance until the child is 18 so this would have a major impact on your finances if you were to stay together in the future. He's not the only man paying maintenance for a child or children, but he kept it secret from you.

To be honest the mother of the child has done well out of it if she only had a sexual relationship with him for a short time before she met you and then went back to her home country. To add insult to injury your boyfriend isn't even allowed to see the child! If he wants to and he has proof of paternity he could contest this. Has he sought legal advice? Depending on where the mother of the child is from the money could go a very long way. That would irk me because if you and your boyfriend stay together and live in Ireland money will more than likely be tight.

I think you should go to couples counselling and see if you can both work something out. If not you can't say you didn't try.

Big Bag of Chips

As a complete aside, they are creating a very messy situation by falsifying a legal document. If her fiance wants to raise the baby as his own, he needs to adopt him.

I would question her motives. She is engaged to the person she has named as the father of her baby, and is receiving maintenance from somewhere else.

I think you bf is being taken for a mug. I'm not suggesting he's not the father, but he needs to sort out the legalities. If he was my brother, I would be advising him to cancel the DD until she legally named him as the father, might be petty, but there you go...

My heart goes out to you. You must be shattered. You have a lot of talking to do.

ennis81

Like others have said, what do you want to do? first two questions you have to ask yourself are - do you think you can get over this? and do you love him enough to accept he may have made a terrible mistake? How was your relationship apart from this devastating revelation?
People are very quick to walk away from relationships these days and maybe regret later on, you need time to digest what you have discovered and you need to talk to your boyfriend, do not be hasty in your decisions just yet.
I understand you must be absolutely heartbroken at the minute but you should probably try and confide in someone close to you as you need the support.
I do agree with the other posters that this lady certainly seems to have revealed herself to you to cause trouble, allowing her to destroy your relationship is not your only option.
Your boyfriend is only human and perhaps he did make a terrible mistake by not telling you, but he probably was very scared you would leave him, I would like to say that he has stepped up financially which a lot of men in his situation wouldn't have so that does prove he has decency, even if he wasn't truthful to you

seamus

It sounds understandable (that's not to say it's excusable) from what he's said to you. From his point of view the risk of losing you outweighed all else, so he went to painful lengths to try and keep you. Yes, arguably it's hurtful and disrespectful to not share it with you. But take it from his point of view; if he'd turned around to you last August and told you that a one night stand was expecting his child, would you have let him go?

If yes, then you could say his fears were justified, even if his actions perhaps were not.

On the plus side, he's a decent man. The woman's fiancée is listed as the child's father - legally your boyfriend has no obligation to pay maintenance. But he does anyway because as the father he knows he has an obligation. A lesser man, if given that lifeline, would cut and run. On that note, he may also have been waiting to a certain extent for the business to blow over; an opportunity to prove he may not be the father, for example. Then you would never need to know about the whole ugly business.

I too would question the other woman's motives in contacting you. She doesn't want your boyfriend to have a relationship with his son, so why is she contacting you? Why is she trying to open a line of communication with you if she doesn't want one with your boyfriend?

You have a lot of talking and thinking to do. One thing I would caution against is discussing it with friends and family who you know to be gossipy and bitchy. They're worst people you can ask for advice and as soon as you tell them, they'll tell you your boyfriend is a cheating dirtbag that you need to dump. When clearly he isn't.
If you're seeking counsel from friends and family, get the level-headed people, one-on-one, not the girls in the cafe around the table.

ShaShaBear

I would second what others have said above in that your BF needs to take action immediately. If the fiance is raising the child as his own and she is expecting maintenance off your BF, that is downright petty. Have your BF refuse to pay unless he is announced as the father.

Something about this doesn't sound right. She got pregnant by your boyfriend just before he met you and went off to her home country with the child and is claiming it belongs to her fiance, who I am assuming she either met during the pregnancy or shortly after the birth? Either this fiance or your boyfriend are being taken for a ride here. I can honestly say if I was the fiance, I wouldn't want the money from the biological father - I would want the child to be as much mine as possible. I'd wonder if perhaps she hasn't told her fiance that the baby isn't his and that her pregnancy was the result of an affair with your boyfriend, or if perhaps the fiance is the father and she has been leading your boyfriend on to get the extra money.

The only way he can handle this is to cancel payments. She absolutely cannot expect him to pay for the upkeep of a child he is allowed nothing to do with. If he demands a paternity test and the child is proven to be his, he can further with legal proceedings to grant him access. If the mother refuses to allow a test... well it speaks volumes.

dellas1979

I just wonder what her motivation was in telling you. Whats the deal there...I think thats one part of the puzzle you need answers for before you even think of trying to put it all back together.

LegacyUser

He'll be home from work in a few hours so I can talk to him about all the above points then.
Does anybody have tips on how to ease this feeling? I just want to feel like myself again but I feel like I've lost my mind

Magicmatilda

Is there any way you can go and stay somewhere for a few days to sort your head out? I think that would be a good idea. You don't have to make a decision on this today. You are in shock and you should take some time to let the dust settle before making any decision. You may get through this as a couple. It is very possible. I think you should make the next few days about yourself and try and treat yourself. Also you need to tell someone. Otherwise you are acting as though you are ashamed and you should not be. You have done nothing wrong.

Has there been a paternity test? There should be.

LegacyUser

sorry you are feeling bad... you need some time to sort this out in your head.

in the mean time, I would be wondering why did this woman contact you? what did her message say? how did she even know about you? this is very strange. is she a devious trouble maker???

when I read the story I immediately wondered if there was a dna sample done? if not this needs to be done asap! I would wonder if the baby isn't really the fiancés.....seriously.

how long was your boyfriend with this woman? was she seeing the two men at the same time? I personally know of a woman who picked the 'best' option of the men she was sleeping with to be the father of her child in order to get good money off him when she knew the child was someone elses.....

why should he pay money to the child and not be allowed to be a father to him? ( I am not condoming a father not paying btw) I mean why should he not be allowed have him with his grandparents aunts uncles etc. even if he is in another country....

this is so fishy, maybe the fiancé is in on the secret too and delighted to get cash off some sucker.

please advise him to get immediate legal advice.

then you can process the truth and proceed from there.

from what its worth it sounds like a terrible situation your boyfriend has been put in, imagine keeping a secret like that from everyone? not condoning his actions but just reminding people we might not know what we would do.

LegacyUser

It was a one night stand. Her fiancee was finishing university in his home country when the baby was conceived.

I asked about paternity because getting pregnant from just one night stand seemed a bit off (although of course it happens) but I actually saw a pic of the little fella and he is the absolute image of my bf. When I saw him I cried so hard that I threw up, he looks just like him.

I know this has been a nightmare for my bf, I've never seen him look so broken. One part of me is so hurt and angry but another part just wants to hug him and tell him the nightmare is all over now.

Although it feels as though it's only started for me but this is still very raw and I'm still in shock.

seamus

Thanksguys wrote: »

He'll be home from work in a few hours so I can talk to him about all the above points then.
Does anybody have tips on how to ease this feeling? I just want to feel like myself again but I feel like I've lost my mind

You can't really ease it. This kind of thing doesn't follow the romantic comedy ideal where you have a big talk about it and then everybody's happy and smiling again.

In reality, you have a big talk about it, come to an agreement on how to move forward, but even then the horrible gut-wrenching will remain, except if you've been honest and open in your talk, it will over time be replaced by a deeper understanding of eachother and a stronger bond. Over time.

Crises and troubles bring out the best and worst in relationships. They are horrible at the time, but in retrospect after many years you can come to appreciate what that crisis did for your relationship. If you do it right - the key now is openness and honesty. Everything which worries you about this situation, now is the time to say it. Every question you need answered, ask it. Otherwise you will never be able to come to peace with it.

Remember that although you feel like you know him inside and out, you've only been together a year. In five years' time this will still be a big thing, but you will know him five times better than you know him now.

annnnon wrote: »

in the mean time, I would be wondering why did this woman contact you? what did her message say? how did she even know about you? this is very strange. is she a devious trouble maker???

Utter speculation here is that she's resource guarding. She has two men playing Daddy to her child (you can be sure the other guy isn't keeping his hands in his pockets). Then the OP's bf sees the child, tells her how utterly crazy his is about his girlfriend, she could be the one, etc, so she sees the "new" girl as a threat to her cosy arrangement and decides to stir up trouble.
Pure speculation though. Really the bf should be asking her what the hell she's playing at.

username123

Op - youve had a terrible shock and first of all I think you should get some space and speak to a trusted friend about all of this because only talking about it with the person in the situation is blocking you from having any outside perspective.

The most important thing here is that your BF had a child that he concealed from you and you only found out because the childs mother contacted you.

To me this is an awful deception. At what point did he plan to tell you, if ever? I would have serious questions about the capabilities of someone who could conceal something so big from someone in a relationship. Personally that level of deception would probably be a deal breaker for me. He totally manipulated you in this, had you known from day 1 that there was a woman pregnant for him in the background, its possible that you would never have gone out with him - but he took that choice from you by allowing you to become emotionally involved without being honest with you.

As far as I am concerned if there is not trust in a relationship, there is no relationship. I wouldnt be able to trust someone who had misled me to such a degree. This isnt a white lie about how many pints he had, this is an entire person who has half his genes that he concealed from you for your whole relationship on the flimsy pretext that you made some comment about someone fathering a child.

Its very clever of him to go straight into offering couples counselling, saying he will do anything to keep you etc... Its the best play he can make having been found out this way. Its also pretty classic for him to blame his failure to disclose on you making some throwaway comment. But the fact remains, he was able to compartmentalise an entire person from you and you only found out by accident. How much of what he is telling you is real, and how much is just what he can get away with? And who else has he hidden this child from? And who has he hidden you from? I would be very very slow to trust someone who is capable of something like this. What else would he be ok with concealing from you in case he lost you?

All the other stuff - maintenance, paternity tests etc... these are issues he needs to sort out, but unless you decide to stay with him, I wouldnt be worrying about any of that.

homerjay2005

Babysecret wrote: »

She gave birth to his son in March.

so a woman who gave birth to a child 4 months ago, is already engaged to another man, who willingly is raring the child and has legal right to said child? who on earth would engage anybody after a few months and especially a woman who is pregnant with somebody elses child? surely you would wait to see how things panned out before commiting like this?

im sorry, i smell a rat here. i think your bf is being taken for a mug, either way this isnt just about you, its about him and i think you should get on with your life and support him. this cannot be easy for him, having you on his back is just adding to it.

get a paternity test also.

ophereagain wrote: »

.

Although it feels as though it's only started for me but this is still very raw and I'm still in shock.

to be honest, the "nightmare" is as only as big as you make it. get on with your life, the child is somebody that you may never see or be involved in your life. if you bf wants to be involved then fine, but i dont think the suituation will allow it much.

by the way, does the "fiancee" know that his girlfriend slept with another man and apparently is the father of the child?

CaraMay

Op I know there are a lot of very open minded and understanding people on here who are telling you to get on with it... He has told you HUGE lies in the short time you have been together. He lied about where he was a couple of weeks ago. Did he meet them in her home country? Where did he tell you he was?

I could really never forgive someone for the pure deceit he has exposed you to. How well do you really know him? If he can freely lie about his life to omit the presence of his child then there is very little else he couldn't lie about.

Move on... He broke the trust and in such an enormous way.. He doesn't derive your loyalty

Gone Anon

Babysecret wrote: »

I really need advice. I don't know what to do or how to feel. Yesterday morning I woke up happily beside my gorgeous boyfriend. Everything has been going great. We've been together just under a year and live together. I have been in love before but not like this, yesterday I would have married him there and then.

Then lastnight my whole life changed, I have never felt so much heartache. I got a message from a girl online saying hello and I asked my bf who she was. He broke down and told me he had a sexual relationship with her a few months before he met me and she became pregnant. She gave birth to his son in March.


I knew nothing about this. My bf even saw him 2 weeks ago but told me he was somewhere else. The baby now lives in the mother's home country and aside from child support she wants nothing to do with my bf as she is already engaged.

My heart is broken. I've never cried so much, how am I supposed to feel? I've cried all night, I even vomited when he told me. I love him so much and thought we were meant to be a team forever but now I feel like I have no options other than leave him. I can't cope with that thought or the fact that he's experienced becoming a dad with another woman.
And I know the little boy is blameless. I have nothing but good wishes for the little fella, his parents messed up but it's not his fault.

He didnt need to tell you. It happened before be met you so it's really none of your business

December2012

I think you're being hard on your boyfriend.

Yes he lied, but can't you see why? He is dealing with a huge problem, all on his own, with nobody to talk this out with. He didn't want you to freak out and question everything.

There are some things which personally I find forgivable, and lying in this instance is one. I don't think it's suspicious that he wants to go to counselling, I think it's healthy and you should do it so that you and he can be listened to in a safe place.

And I think you should be there for your boyfriend because the child thing probably has him going through hell.

Separate the paternity and support issues from your problems.

Your problem - he lied.
His problems - found out about a secret child
Has a child hell never get a relationship
May wonder about paternity and guard his emotions
Has has to deal with this all alone
This was before your relationship and so in a way, absolutely nothing to do with you, but now it is all about you, because of your one problem.

So go to couples counselling, but be there for your bf and allow him to have support.

Mr. Loverman

Opanswering wrote: »

He's hid this huge secret for our whole relationship

Do you have any secrets?

Cheated on your ex-boyfriend?
Cheated on your current boyfriend?
Abused as a kid? (Reason I ask: the abused are more likely to be abusers, so do you have an obligation to warn him?)
Any health problems or health risks he should know about?
Previous abortion?

My point is we all have secrets and we all make mistakes.

Without a doubt he has ****ed up but I can imagine he was in hell and this has been extremely stressful for him. In fact I would be of the belief this is way worse for him than you.

Whatever you decide to do is your choice and your entitlement, but please try to do it with kindness.

Cosc

You poor girl. My heart goes out to you. Firstly, you are so right it's not the baby's fault. What you really have to deal with here is the fact that he cheated & lied to you. He has broken your trust. Everything is very raw at the moment so you both need time & space to deal with what's happened. Maybe spend some time with your parents where you will have space to think. You need also to ascertain how he meet & linked up with this other women. He has alot of explaining to do. Time is a great healer so I wish you all the best with sorting things out. At the end of the day once trust is broken it's hard to regain what's lost. Good luck & take care. 

Mr. Loverman

Cosc wrote: »

You poor girl. My heart goes out to you. Firstly, you are so right it's not the baby's fault. What you really have to deal with here is the fact that he cheated & lied to you. He has broken your trust. Everything is very raw at the moment so you both need time & space to deal with what's happened. Maybe spend some time with your parents where you will have space to think. You need also to ascertain how he meet & linked up with this other women. He has alot of explaining to do. Time is a great healer so I wish you all the best with sorting things out. At the end of the day once trust is broken it's hard to regain what's lost. Good luck & take care. 

He didn't cheat on her. It's a baby from his previous relationship.

Just clarifying...

clairefontaine

OP,

You have answered a lot of questions about this woman and the nature of the relationship.

Are you getting this information from him?

Have you verified it?

Are you sure she is engaged? Are you sure she wants your bf to have nothing tomsomwith the child? Are you sure he is being raised to believe the fiancé is his father? Or is this how he's presenting things to you?

You boyfriend lied to you for months, and would keep lying to you if this woman hadn't contacted you. Double and triple check your facts.

None of this adds up. Someone is still lying.

homerjay2005

clairefontaine wrote: »

You boyfriend lied to you for months

did he? i am pretty sure that nothing about the subject ever came up so he didnt lie, he just said nothing about it.

maybe the relationship was only a few months old and he didnt want to risk it until he knew things were stronger? we have all kept secrets for certain times about something or another, its just this one, he couldnt keep any longer.

lets not forget, he didnt have to tell the OP anything or who she was. he could have lied, but he didnt, he told the truth when the subject came up first time.

December2012

Cosc wrote: »

You poor girl. My heart goes out to you. Firstly, you are so right it's not the baby's fault. What you really have to deal with here is the fact that he cheated & lied to you. He has broken your trust. Everything is very raw at the moment so you both need time & space to deal with what's happened. Maybe spend some time with your parents where you will have space to think. You need also to ascertain how he meet & linked up with this other women. He has alot of explaining to do. Time is a great healer so I wish you all the best with sorting things out. At the end of the day once trust is broken it's hard to regain what's lost. Good luck & take care. 

Another point is he had this huge problem and did not feel that he could rely on his girlfriend for support and acceptance.

clairefontaine

homerjay2005 wrote: »

did he? i am pretty sure that nothing about the subject ever came up so he didnt lie, he just said nothing about it.

maybe the relationship was only a few months old and he didnt want to risk it until he knew things were stronger? we have all kept secrets for certain times about something or another, its just this one, he couldnt keep any longer.

lets not forget, he didnt have to tell the OP anything or who she was. he could have lied, but he didnt, he told the truth when the subject came up first time.

Yes he lied.

Silence can be a lie too.

Emme

ophereagain wrote: »

It was a one night stand. Her fiancee was finishing university in his home country when the baby was conceived.

I asked about paternity because getting pregnant from just one night stand seemed a bit off (although of course it happens) but I actually saw a pic of the little fella and he is the absolute image of my bf. When I saw him I cried so hard that I threw up, he looks just like him.

I know this has been a nightmare for my bf, I've never seen him look so broken. One part of me is so hurt and angry but another part just wants to hug him and tell him the nightmare is all over now.

Although it feels as though it's only started for me but this is still very raw and I'm still in shock.

Your bf is paying maintenance to a woman from another country who is engaged to another man because she claims she got pregnant with your bf on a one night stand. Something isn't right here.

This may have happened before you met him but if you are to have a future together it does affect you, particularly if your bf intends paying maintenance for this child until it is 18.

The child may look like your bf, but unless he has proof of paternity from a DNA test that doesn't mean anything. Some women have a "type" and it is possible that this woman's fiance might resemble your bf. If she was already seeing somebody before she came to Ireland and had a ons with your boyfriend then a DNA test is absolutely necessary to ensure your bf isn't being taken for a mug and paying maintenance for a child that isn't his.

If he isn't willing to insist that the child gets a DNA test then he most likely isn't telling you the full truth as to its conception.

The more I read about this the more I feel something isn't right and your bf isn't telling the full truth.

LegacyUser

She was living here for four months while her fiancee was back home when she became pregnant. I am fairly certain the baby is my bfs. I so wish he wasn't but I think he is.

On the issue somebody mentioned about my poor boyfriend keeping this a secret because he didn't think I'd accept it.. Are you serious? This lie is much bigger than me. His best friend doesn't even know. And my bf seems happy to keep it this way. The whole story is messed up.

For the record he didn't cheat on me. He knew about the pregnancy from before he even met me.

But all that paternity and maintenance stuff isn't why I'm here. That is his stuff for now. I need to know how to accept that he has made a baby that's not mine. And I know it happened before me and some of you think I just need to mind my own business but this does affect me. He told me he had no kids and that he'd love 2 sons and a daughter. We talked about children before so please understand why this is hurting me.
It's a huge change to everything I expected in the future and I hate feeling this way over an innocent baby but I just wish he wasn't here.

Big Bag of Chips

Toclarify wrote: »

I need to know how to accept that he has made a baby that's not mine.

Unfortunately, I don't think anybody can tell you that. It is something that you need to decide yourself if you can accept or not.

For some, their partner having a child from a previous relationship wouldn't be a big deal at all. But you made it clear to him from the start that it is a big deal for you.

So now you have to decide if it really is a big deal, and something you really can't accept. Or if at the end of the day, your relationship with him is more important than the fact that he has a child.

Only you can decide that.

Babysecret

Babysecret wrote: »

I can't cope with that thought or the fact that he's experienced becoming a dad with another woman.

Toclarify wrote: »

I need to know how to accept that he has made a baby that's not mine. And I know it happened before me and some of you think I just need to mind my own business but this does affect me. He told me he had no kids and that he'd love 2 sons and a daughter. We talked about children before so please understand why this is hurting me.
It's a huge change to everything I expected in the future and I hate feeling this way over an innocent baby but I just wish he wasn't here.

Opanswering wrote: »

He said the reason he didn't tell me was that I made a comment about my cousin whose husband fathered a child outside their marriage that made him think kids would be a deal breaker and I'd never give him a chance.

You know, at the beginning of this thread I thought there were no excuses for what your boyfriend did ... but I'm actually starting to understand why he did what he did.

You seem less concerned about the fact that he's lied to you for your entire relationship, than you are about the fact that he has a baby with another woman. Is this correct, do you think?

If it is, it actually seems that your boyfriend knows you really, really well and knows that hiding the fact of the baby from you was the lesser of two evils.

So really you have to decide if it is or isn't the "deal breaker" he assumed it would be. If it turns out it's not a deal breaker and if you want to continue to be with him then I'm afraid there's not much else you can do but get over it, for want of a better expression.

Leaving aside the question of and maintenance for now and assuming he is the father ... having the child of a partner in your life is a big deal and a big responsibility. You say that the logistics of the situation are "his stuff for now", which I can fully understand, you have enough to cope with yourself at the moment. But if you decide to stay with him in spite of the fact that he has a child with another woman, all of that stuff will become your stuff.

But there is really no reason (including the existence of this child) why you and your boyfriend cannot have a long and happy life together with children of your own. Personally, I would have a huge issue with the lying (even by omission) but, as I said earlier, this seems to be the least of your problems and I'm actually starting to see why he went down this road ... strange as that seems to me to say.

Neyite

Toclarify wrote: »

I need to know how to accept that he has made a baby that's not mine. And I know it happened before me and some of you think I just need to mind my own business but this does affect me. He told me he had no kids and that he'd love 2 sons and a daughter. We talked about children before so please understand why this is hurting me.
It's a huge change to everything I expected in the future and I hate feeling this way over an innocent baby but I just wish he wasn't here.

When we decided to start a family, it was exciting. Waiting for the right day to test, and finally getting the positive that morning and being so happy about it. Wandering around with silly grins on our faces because we had this big wonderful secret from the rest of the world. We talked about if it was a boy or a girl, possible names even. Seeing the ultrasound of the child we created was amazing. Meeting our child as soon as he was born was amazing.

My point is that you still will have all these things with your boyfriend. He didn't get any of this with the baby overseas. He didn't get the fatherhood aspect and it sounds like he never will. He may have a child that in later years may or may not visit his bio dad, but to all intents and purposes the child already has a father figure in his family unit and its not your boyfriend.

If there is one thing I've learned, its never to assume anything when it comes to fertility or babies. I learned the hard way not to conjure up x amount of boy and girls. Out of 3 babies conceived, I have one child. I would dearly love to have more, but it may or may not happen, and I know its out of my hands. And I know lots of people experiencing infertility.

But, aside from this, he lied to you. He told you he does not have children. He lied during those conversations to you, and for me that would be a deal breaker.

Take your time with this. Take all the time you need to process this. He has had the full 9 months so don't feel that you need to make a decision about your relationship now. It's ok to take a few weeks to think about your feelings, its ok to ask him to move out temporarily while you get your head around it. Would you consider speaking to a crisis pregnancy counsellor? After all, its about a baby and its a crisis for you in your relationship.

ShaShaBear

Toclarify wrote: »

I need to know how to accept that he has made a baby that's not mine.

Well, a start would be figuring out if the baby is actually his.
Because as many of us have stated here over and over, something about this story is wrong. She cheated on her fiance with your boyfriend, went home and got engaged to him and presumably the fiance still thinks the baby is his. If the baby IS your boyfriend's, he has rights and responsibilities that he is entitled to fight for. I simply would not be sending money to a girl in a foreign country under the pretence that her baby looks like me. Babies look like whoever you want them to look like. My partner gets told ALL THE TIME that he is the spitting image of his father, who is not his father at all. It's understandable that you think the baby looks like him, but actually it could look like anyone.

You cannot really hope to move forward from this until he determines if the baby is definitely his, and then decides what he wants to do about it. If your attitude is simply that he has a child to someone else, then you might as well leave, because no single parent that is not allowed to see their child and has to live with some other man raising it as their own should have to deal with that negative attitude from their partner.

You have a few things you need to do, and to stop pussy-footing around.

You need to find out if the child is definitely his.
He needs to stop paying maintenance to a child registered to another man that he is not allowed to see. If nothing else, when the fiance notices the money and figures out where it comes from, it will destroy that family and possibly leave that poor child without any father at all.
You need to find out from your boyfriend how involved he wants to be in this child's life.
You need to get yourself checked for STIs as its obvious your boyfriend didn't use protection correctly if he managed to get her pregnant during a one-night stand.

CaraMay

Was he at the scans, birth etc? If not, then it will be a new to him the next time.

Jackie brown, she is entitled to be peeved about this especially when he didn't eve n tell her the truth about the situation when she was talking to him about future kids.

Plus if he was away seeing the kid two weeks ago then he does have access which may increase in years to come.

There is no excuse other than cowardice for hiding this from her. He told barefaced lies and there is no excuse for it...

homerjay2005 wrote: »

we have all kept secrets for certain times about something or another, its just this one, he couldnt keep any longer.

lets not forget, he didnt have to tell the OP anything or who she was. he could have lied, but he didnt, he told the truth when the subject came up first time.

He didn't tell her. The girl contacted her. She would be none the wiser if this hadn't happened.

People - he saw the child 2 weeks ago so does have access to the child. He lied about where he was going.

Dixie Chick

Hi OP

I am of mixed mind. i can see why he didnt tell you, but to be honest, was he planning on hiding it forever?

Other than that, i think you need time to think and let the hurt pass and then decide what you want to do. It sounds like a deal breaker. I think its someone that will rear its head on many levels forever.

As for the paternity test, that really isnt your issue now, but if you decide to stand by him then it is your issue. If you guys have kids together, they will have a half sibling.

fungun

if we are going back to just your feeling about his having experienced being a Dad, I reiterate what I said on the first page - he is not experiencing being a Dad. He had a one night stand, wasnt there for her during the pregnancy I assume, and isnt there for the kid. All he did was get her pregnant and is now paying money for it.

Personally I think that if you stay together and have a baby together it will be just as unique and incredible an experience for him as it will be for you. I know you will have the other kid in your mind, but he really never went through it with this kid.

username123

So your problem is that he has already had a kid, not that he lied to you and deceived you for your whole relationship and continues to lie about his child to other people in his life?

Seriously, you need to get your priorities right.

As already pointed out, he hasn't experienced fatherhood in any meaningful sense. But a man capable of lying to the important people in his life as he does, that would be a massive red flag.

CaraMay

CaraMay wrote: »

Jackie brown, she is entitled to be peeved about this especially when he didn't eve n tell her the truth about the situation when she was talking to him about future kids.

Of course she is ... obviously. As I specifically said, I personally would have a huge issue with the lies. "Peeved" doesn't even begin to describe how I would feel.

I'm simply addressing what appears to me to be the core issue for her, the existence of the baby rather than the lies.

Toast4532

As pointed out by many others here OP you need to get a DNA test, just because the baby looks like your boyfriend, doesn't mean he is the babies dad.

I am the spitting image of my dad and half-brother, I am almost like a female version of them in the looks department, but yet, growing up (when I didn't know my dad) I was told all the time that I looked like my grandmother, my mum's mum and recently people have been saying I look like my mother.

Now, I look nothing like my mum's side of the family, and the people who are saying I do look like them, are people who have never seen my dad or brother, either in person or in photos.

I also agree with ShaShaBear - you need to get yourself tested for STI's etc. your boyfriend had either unprotected sex with this woman OR he didn't use protection properly.

As for the other woman contacting you, well she had no right, she was trying to cause trouble and it's working. She doesn't want your bf to be a part of her or her babies life, so why tell you if she doesn't want that?

Personally I would have a massive issue with my OH if he was able to conceal such a huge issue for so long without letting anything slip to anyone.

You spoke about having kids etc and he said he had none - who lies about having children?

As for paying maintenance, well he needs to stop that and demand a DNA test, just because the mother says its his, doesn't mean she's being honest. Does he fiancee know he's not the dad? Or has she told him he is the dad?

As for lying on the birth cert, well she could get into trouble that I imagine, so if I was your bf, I would be contacting the relevant authorities and informing them of that.

Personally, I couldn't stay with my bf if he behaved as your bf has done, lying, concealing etc. I just wouldn't be able to trust him at all.

I certainly wouldn't be upset that he had a child with someone else, that part I could handle, although it would take time to accept and deal with.

If you get married in future, maintenance etc will be based on BOTH your incomes, any kids you have, you have to add one more too, etc. So it will effect you both.

The very best of luck OP, I hope it all works out for you and you can be happy again.

Est28

Despite everyone jumping down his throat....

Is there anything to be said for the fact that the guy didn't do a whole lot wrong here?

It was BEFORE they met so no wrong doing there... it looks like he's as involved as he is allowed to be and at least maintains whatever relationship he can there. It could be a lot worse!

Lastly, he got on with his life, I mean, he's not gonna blurt that out the first time they met and as things went on and got better he was probably freaked out of his head about how to break this or if he even should when it was obviously gonna devastate any chance of HIM going forward with a happier life and because of a situation he was in BEFORE and is now not allowed be part of.

So like, we all make mistakes. But sounds like the guy is at least doing his best here and had no idea how to handle the situation. It's hard for me to be too hard on him TBH.

ShaShaBear

Est28 wrote: »

Despite everyone jumping down his throat....

Is there anything to be said for the fact that the guy didn't do a whole lot wrong here?

It was BEFORE they met so no wrong doing there... it looks like he's as involved as he is allowed to be and at least maintains whatever relationship he can there. It could be a lot worse!

Lastly, he got on with his life, I mean, he's not gonna blurt that out the first time they met and as things went on and got better he was probably freaked out of his head about how to break this or if he even should when it was obviously gonna devastate any chance of HIM going forward with a happier life and because of a situation he was in BEFORE and is now not allowed be part of.

So like, we all make mistakes. But sounds like the guy is at least doing his best here and had no idea how to handle the situation. It's hard for me to be too hard on him TBH.

He's not even close to doing his best. He said he had no children when, as far as he is concerned, he has one. Mind you, if he didn't use protection while having sex with this foreign girl during a one-night stand, who is to say he doesn't have more children?

What's more, he is paying money out to support a child that is being kept in a different country and being raised by a different man. He doesn't even know the child is his and will never, ever be able to prove it without a paternity test since the mother has clearly registered her partner as the father on the birth cert.

He should definitely not have lied about having a child, it's not so massive a deal that he would think you would hate him if he told you he had fathered a child to another woman. It would be different if the child was clearly conceived while you were both together. Your BF had no reason to keep it from you and doesn't seem in the slightest bit bothered about rectifying the situation.

Est28

ShaShaBear wrote: »

He's not even close to doing his best. He said he had no children when, as far as he is concerned, he has one. Mind you, if he didn't use protection while having sex with this foreign girl during a one-night stand, who is to say he doesn't have more children?

What's more, he is paying money out to support a child that is being kept in a different country and being raised by a different man. He doesn't even know the child is his and will never, ever be able to prove it without a paternity test since the mother has clearly registered her partner as the father on the birth cert.

He should definitely not have lied about having a child, it's not so massive a deal that he would think you would hate him if he told you he had fathered a child to another woman. It would be different if the child was clearly conceived while you were both together. Your BF had no reason to keep it from you and doesn't seem in the slightest bit bothered about rectifying the situation.

So how is he not doing his best? To quote you, he is paying support for a child he will never know and doesn't even know for sure is his! The guy obviously has been guilted into this and must feel disgusted by his ex but feels he had no choice but to do what he thinks is right. It seems like he has a pretty big conscience, he could have easily walked away.

I only interjected to give the opposing side here... before this turns into another male bashing thread. From his point of view he is doing what he thinks is morally right if the child is his in a situation which is totally out of his hands.

I feel for the OP and know why she is upset. From her side, she should have known all this, of course but for once can we not jump on the guy when we don't know the facts.... from all we've heard he's been put in a terrible situation by his ex, was clearly freaked out by it and didn't know what to do.

Just before this does south quickly... I've been in his situation. An ex claiming to have my baby and you have no idea what disstress and hurt and pain it causes to someone with a good heart to be guilted and manipulated about a child you hear is yours but will never see. Luckily for me, my ex was lying and proven to be doing so but it still took a long time to come to terms with what she did. So before claiming this guy is a deadbeat with kids all over town and passing it off as facts, have a little perspective on life. There is no indication that he is such.

Mayboy

Hi,

The issue about the maintenance and role of the father is one story.
The lying is another.
Both can wait till later.
The maintenance and fathering is not your responsibility.
THe lying is not your responsibility but the effect of it on you is very real.

You have got hurt - when we get hurt we react, we have rushes of fear, shame, despair and all the other emotions that come up. Can you take some time, without judgement to feel the emotion, to let it come and be with out. Forget the 'detail' who it is, who did what..... Let the 'muddy water in a glass' settle and then see how it lies. I'm truly sorry, it is difficult and I wish you well, I've lots of opinions but this approach may help you to sail through this even if the sea is rough.
Good luck. X

ShaShaBear

Est28 wrote: »

Just before this does south quickly... I've been in his situation. An ex claiming to have my baby and you have no idea what disstress and hurt and pain it causes to someone with a good heart to be guilted and manipulated about a child you hear is yours but will never see. Luckily for me, my ex was lying and proven to be doing so but it still took a long time to come to terms with what she did. So before claiming this guy is a deadbeat with kids all over town and passing it off as facts, have a little perspective on life. There is no indication that he is such.

I'm sure it is very distressing. However, this child is a product of a one-night stand, not a relationship with an ex. He did not use adequate protection to prevent a pregnancy, got the girl pregnant and then lied about it outright to his current partner. Granted, it might have been a once-off and he is usually quite careful with condoms. But it is just as likely that he had more than one of these unprotected encounters and has gotten someone else pregnant. As I already said, he is also at risk of having contracted an STI, and possibly passed this onto his current partner.

If you read back through my posts I did say that if everything is as the OP said then she is being very unsupportive as I can only imagine how heart-breaking it would be to know your son or daughter is being raised by another man. But letting that woman away with telling her fiance the child is his, and telling her fling that the child is his, and claiming financial support from them both is just ludicrous.


I'm not one to cheat but if I was going to cheat on my fiance, I would definitely be far more careful with my contraception. Especially if I was from a different country that my partner was also born in. Because I imagine it would be very obvious in most cases once the child becomes a toddler that they are not of the nationality they should be. Now, assuming this woman is not so stupid as to not take her pill properly, not use a condom properly AND not opt for the morning after pill when she realised her mistake, she either got pregnant on purpose, or the child is not his at all. In which case he is doing precisely the wrong thing by paying for someone else's child for the rest of his life - which could (depending on how much he is expected to pay) financially affect his ability to look after his own kids in the future.

clairefontaine

I don't believe your boyfriend. He's still lying.

Why did he see the child and is paying maintenance if the child is being raised to believe the fiancé is his father?

Are you sure there is a fiancé? Is teg fiancé in on the paternity fraud?

She contacted you because she does not want that baby being his dirty little secret.

I'd wash my hands of this creep OP. He lied to you for months, and he keeps his own child as a dirty little shameful secret.

You now know what he is. You have been given a gift.

I'd run and do it tomorrow.