Watershed moment

LegacyUser

I'm fed up.

I've been seeing my counsellor for a number of weeks now and I'm making no progress. She is fine and we have a good rapport. However, I just think that I am beyond helping.

At the minute I am extremely depressed. I am living in a shared house with people who don't interact with me. I stay in my room all evening surfing the net or watching online TV.

I don't have friends now - those that I did have have moved on in live. My weekdays are work plus overtime, TV and bed. My weekends consist of lying around and/or working overtime to stay busy. This has the effect of my bosses thinking that I am a keen worked and thus I get overloaded and end up working more OT to stay on top of things. It is never ending.

I used to enjoy going to the gym and weight training. However, I have lost all my gains in the gym and now I am soo tired and de-motivated that I don't attend any more.

In terms of relationships I've never had one yet and am still a virgin. My counsellor said I need to make my bedroom for sleeping instead of TV and get off the internet. She said "a bedroom is only for two things and one of them is sleeping, you can guess what the other one is". This comment made me feel so inadequate, angry and worthless - as I'm a virgin. I could not help but take it personally.

I have tried numerous times to get over my situation, but I can't. I don't know why. I know I must get out and about, join groups, etc, blah blah. But, I have no interests. Nothing interests me. I could go on a holiday as I have the time and money, but I have no enthuasiam for it.

My life is pretty much over before it begun. I'm going bald, aging and losing my body - that is bad enough, but I have not lived my life yet so I feel cheated.

I don't know what to do. This is a watershed stage in my life as I am at a age where I don't feel that I can try again.

I'm not sure what I am asking for here, but if you know something that might help me please do reply.

lmos

Im so sorry you are feeling so bad, Its awful. Your counsellor sounds insensitive to your needs. I would perhaps consider changing if its not working with him/her. Have you ever considered congnitive behavioural therapy? CBT? Its teaches you new ways of thinking, which you can keep with you! The brain is an amazing thing, we think we have little control but we do. Its all based on our thinking, and we can actually control our thoughts. This has been enlightening for me personally....because if we can control or be aware of our thoughts, we can control the negative downward spiral. To get back from the negativity, I would perhaps suggest going back to your GP, talking things over with him, asking his opinion and also for a recommendation for another therapist. I wish you the very best, nothing ever stays the same, thats one thing for sure, I truly hope things get better for you. take it step by step, you will get there. Hope this ramble has helped in some little way!

there are a few things in life that make us all feel bad or depressed.
we have to think and see if we can do anything about them ourselves.

the one thing that stood out for me is the fact that you say you are losing your body and all gains you made in the gym are dissappearing. this is something you CAN change.

its just one little thing but maybe if you make the change in this part of your life other things will follow...

its just an idea but change the things you can OP, maybe learn to live with the things you cant...

thefeatheredcat

What your counsellor said was very tactless indeed.

How long have you been in that house share? Was it always like that or did it gradually become like that? Do others do the same? Is it generally where everyone stays in their rooms, or where 1 or 2 pretty much have taken over to where they don't even try to engage with you that you feel excluded and uncomfortable being downstairs?

If you're in a house share where everyone is non engaging - and not just with you but eachother - it's not the healthiest way to live and is damaging in the long run. Even if they don't engage with you but do eachother, that's also damaging. It isn't going to make living there a positive experience. Have you considered moving? I'm not suggesting that is a magic answer, but when you are engaged by others and being social in a house share it's more positive and rewarding and better for your mental health.

For your own sake, I think you need to make it clear that you are struggling with the workload; if you're doing overtime just to keep up all the time, you're going to suffer burn out. That could contribute to feeling demotivated in other areas in your life - in feeling that you have to always work extra hard for work you'd have to do the same for other aspects of your life, hence the demotivating factor coming in to play where you just have zero interest in things you used to have as part of your life. Between a healthier living space and that you could re-engage yourself with your hobbies and interests, even gradually and improve your life.

OP as defeated as you come across in your post, don't submit to defeat. You say you feel cheated, your life is over before it's begun, but YOU hold the key to changing your life for the better. There's no magic equation or magic answer. Are you willing? Have you reached a point where you want to change something, anything? Or are you not there yet? We can all get trapped in loops of circumstance for long periods of time.... the only way sometimes is to find the fire inside to fight your way out of the loop.

Your situation is changeable, I'm not sure what would motivate you, perhaps a different counsellor and maybe a different technique might be a benefit to you. Maybe even seeing things differently or having a different thought pattern that can be ingrained into you will help. But thoughts negative thoughts are a way to stay defeated. I know it's easy to say change your situation for yourself... but you have to be motivated to do it. So what would motivate you to improve and make things better for you and be rid of a defeatist attitude?

It may never be a comfort or a motivator, but there is hope. I don't think you're beyond helping. I think you can try again. I think you can do better and you will find that fire inside that wants change. What's the alternative? Someone in my family is in a job they like and hate, completely unhappy in life, has zero interest in changing and begrudges those that try to make their lives better. They're a grumpy old man in their early 30s that spends half the day battling with being bitter and unhappy, never seeing the joy in anything and hating the world for being born. They're not motivated whatsoever to change anything, not even to take the courageous step you have made in going to counselling and instead spend their day making others miserable when they are miserable because of their own issues which pushes people away from them, even close friends that have been through all this with them are struggling to maintain a friendship - not because the friends have moved on in life such as getting married or emigrating, but because of that family member's own attitude, they suck the joy out of the happiest occasions - and despite efforts all around from their friends to family coaxing, willing, wanting the best for him, he prefers to stay where he is. And yet I believe that family member can still change their life for the better. It's just a matter of them seeing things differently, altering their perception and feeling worthy of better, being able to take those steps forward to making it better. We accept how he is, we cannot change him, we can only hope some day he will want himself to change for himself.

If you can read that and see yourself, don't let yourself become like that. You're miles ahead of that person, doing better than that person, you have started counselling so to me you've already shown a willingness to help yourself, a motivation within. Pursue it and don't give up.

Sirsok

I was in the same boat myself when I was in Australia, I didn't wanna get up to experience anything, and on the chance I did, I was not in the slightest bit impressed.when I came home I decided I needed to change everything, when someone asked me to do something I did it, a distant relative might say ah you should pop over to the house for a cup of tea someday, so I did! Through just doing things that previously I had no motivation to do, I've met many interesting characters and change my life around. Obviously you can't always do everything but it helped shape alot of my current habits and get me out of that initial depression. Best of luck op you should pop down Kilkenny for a cup of tea someday

Merkin

You poor thing, you sound so hopeless in your post and there seem to be a lot of elements in your life that are overwhelming and causing you to feel like this. You don't have to continue feeling like this and you can get better. I've two core bits of advice for you:

1. Please get yourself to a GP. I know you're having counseling (which you concede is not helping you) but with depression, counseling on it's own is often not enough to help get you better. Have you a trusted GP? If so please go and see them and print out your OP and tell them exactly what is going on in your life, how you are feeling and ask for their help. Asking for helping is the big step and they will be able to make a proper diagnosis and in turn help you on the path to getting better.

2. Exercise. I know you feel like your body is out of shape and you're feeling lethargic and tired but muscles have memory. You're probably viewing a return to the gym like some Herculean task but it doesn't have to be. If you've kept up your membership why don't you go back in and start with a 10-minute walk on the treadmill? Everyone starts somewhere. Look at injured athletes, they don't just return to their hardcore fitness programmes as soon as they're feeling better. You have to take baby steps and work up from there and it in itself will really help your mental health.

Aseth

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

I'm fed up.

I've been seeing my counsellor for a number of weeks now and I'm making no progress. She is fine and we have a good rapport. However, I just think that I am beyond helping.

At the minute I am extremely depressed. I am living in a shared house with people who don't interact with me. I stay in my room all evening surfing the net or watching online TV.

I don't have friends now - those that I did have have moved on in live. My weekdays are work plus overtime, TV and bed. My weekends consist of lying around and/or working overtime to stay busy. This has the effect of my bosses thinking that I am a keen worked and thus I get overloaded and end up working more OT to stay on top of things. It is never ending.

I used to enjoy going to the gym and weight training. However, I have lost all my gains in the gym and now I am soo tired and de-motivated that I don't attend any more.

In terms of relationships I've never had one yet and am still a virgin. My counsellor said I need to make my bedroom for sleeping instead of TV and get off the internet. She said "a bedroom is only for two things and one of them is sleeping, you can guess what the other one is". This comment made me feel so inadequate, angry and worthless - as I'm a virgin. I could not help but take it personally.

I have tried numerous times to get over my situation, but I can't. I don't know why. I know I must get out and about, join groups, etc, blah blah. But, I have no interests. Nothing interests me. I could go on a holiday as I have the time and money, but I have no enthuasiam for it.

My life is pretty much over before it begun. I'm going bald, aging and losing my body - that is bad enough, but I have not lived my life yet so I feel cheated.

I don't know what to do. This is a watershed stage in my life as I am at a age where I don't feel that I can try again.

I'm not sure what I am asking for here, but if you know something that might help me please do reply.

As much as I don't agree how your counsellor worded her advice I think she's essentially right - it's not healthy for you OP to lock yourself out in your bedroom for hours. Would it be possible for you to go to the cinema? It's something that doesn't require having friends with you and there are so many movies nowadays I'm sure you can find one that will be interesting to you. If not that - go shopping or go have a coffee or a pin in a pub(you can always sit in the corner). I would suggest meetups but you say there's nothing you find interesting.
I think being a virgin is a separate issue. But again you won't meet anyone while in your room. Even online dating requires at some stage to go out and meet in person. Also going back to the gym could do you a lot of good - it will boost your confidence, it will get you out of house and it doesn't require company.
Someone already suggested GP - I think it's a good idea, bad diet can have a huge impact on our wellbeing and health.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the replies.

I don't know if my counsellor was being insensitive or whether it was me being overly sensitive. I believe it to be the latter as i don't think many would be as offended and as upset/angey as i was.

As for going back to the gym. I've just completed another 12 hour day at work so I am too tired - far too tired. This will have to wait until next week at earliest as I just cannot face it.

I did use to go to the movies and enjoyed them, but now everything looks rubbish to me and does not grab my attention. I joined a movie club on meetup but have not goone to one event.

I speak to my GP a few times, but there is little more they can do. I hve been referred many times for help and still I come back to them like a bad smell.

I have considered moving house, but only to somewhere myself. I don't know if this would be better - I was looking to buy my own apartment, but I have become disinterested in it all and scared about the commitment due to my issues.

thefeatheredcat

OP I honestly think you need to take some time out for yourself. Get yourself out of your environment, away from the every day things you're too used to seeing and doing. Go somewhere, even in this country, see something different. Experience something different than what you experience everyday, different scenery, shops, people around, it might be a benefit to you.

That I think might be a good start for you. Then ask yourself how you felt about it. Did you feel different? Did your demeanour change? Did you feel curious about something? Did something catch your interest? Even a week somewhere else in this country can offer you a different perspective than what you have been seeing for the last while in your life.

tbh OP what you wrote I would have had difficulty describing about my own life a few years ago, because I was in a similar rut. No interest, depressed, unhappy and I couldn't figure out what or where it started what specifically had caused it or what I could do to make me happier and things that did make me happy, were only temporary in my life and made me long for it, long for change that sometimes by excuses I made, didn't. It took a long time for me to wake up and make the changes. But I'm glad I did and have started to go somewhere. In my family member I know they are where I was stuck in life, the drudgery the lack of seeing the point of it, the lack of interest, that side of it. I know what it can do. For me it took me to somewhere unhealthy that has been hard to claw back from. And you will too.

LegacyUser

Walked out on counsellor today. It was my second difficult session (not in a row) where I said I felt I was not progressing. She said that this approach did not seem to be working and was talking about referring me for physcotheraphy.

This is not something I wanted. I mentioned that I felt my low mood might be due to work and tiredness. I also mentioned about losing interest in things such as holidays, exercise, etc. She told me to take some time off work and re-charge.

I’m not sure what happened next, but she was talking about CBT not working and referring me back to GP. To me, this felt like as soon as it starts getting difficult I get offloaded to be someone elses problem. This has gone on for 10 – 15 years now and I am sick of it.

I got up, gathered my things and left her room. I told that it seemed as if when I needed them most, there were not there.

Back at work now and unsurprisingly not able to concentrate. It seems as if this is my life and I should just accept it.

LegacyUser

Not feeling much better now. What is also grinding my gears is that she knew I was very upset when I left and did not (either herself or a colleague) contact me later to check that I was okay.

She has contacted me before - to re-arrange appts etc but I did expect a better duty of care than this.

Before anyone replies with this - I did not lose my cool with her. I was totally deflated and subdued. There were no raised voices nor shouts/threats/accusations.

Feeling incredibly isolated.

This is a watershed stage in my life

Got a horrible feeling that the above might be oh so true.

thefeatheredcat

I think your counsellor was right in advising you to take time off to recharge. How much of your headspace and your day does all this occupy? And by this, I mean everything, from counselling to how you feel to the concerns and unhappiness you have? You need space from the situation too. Lately I've had a few things that have really got me down that really upset me and making me feel negative about everything. So I took some space from the issue and focused on nothing really in particular, just took the days as they came. Just ignored the situation for a while. Then today I spent time thinking and worrying about it, started feeling a bit worked up over it and realised that it's not worth it because I can't really do anything about it as such and leave it for now, see what tomorrow and that issue brings. The rest of today I enjoyed and really just immersed myself in something else. In the past too, I've found immersing myself in something to be both a comfort and a great distraction, even just watching some show online passively.

I would think that someone walking out during a counselling session is an indication that the counselling is over completely. The counsellor has to maintain an emotional distance from the individual and may not be allowed to make contact with you to either check up on you or persuade you to come back and talk. Going back to counselling, to her or anyone else, even for the referral would completely by your own choice. Same as that if you felt isolated or unhappy that nobody contacted you to check if you are ok that it isn't personal but it is up to you to make the contact and seek help. Even calling you to check if you are ok could actually cause a negative reaction and upset you further as your counsellor doesn't have a professional reason to be contacting you anyway as you have, in walking out, ceased counselling.

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

To me, this felt like as soon as it starts getting difficult I get offloaded to be someone elses problem. This has gone on for 10 – 15 years now and I am sick of it.

In the last time you started getting help for yourself, can I assume that you have explicitly stated to whoever you were talking to that you have been in this situation for 10-15 years and still have not received the help you need? Have you considered speaking to a specific organisation that can help you get access to the right help that you need? Maybe with an organisation on board to back you to and prevent you from being offloaded to yet another entity, you will get the help you need?

Queen-Mise

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

Walked out on counsellor today. It was my second difficult session (not in a row) where I said I felt I was not progressing. She said that this approach did not seem to be working and was talking about referring me for physcotheraphy.

Everything your counsellor said was right IMO. Where you are at the moment isn't working - working, TV, net, sleep.... And reaching out to a counsellor and the GP was reaching out for help. Except you didn't follow any of the advice/suggestions given.

It is not possible to have a 'happy, contented' life that consists only of work, TV, net, & bed.
So, therefore, you have got to get yourself out there. I am not sure what you were talking about in your counselling but this is what it was there for to help you feel integrated in society again.
The reason the counselling 'failed' is that you didn't want to do anything to help you become integrated in society again.

Here are my suggestions for you:
Go back to your counsellor, when you are ready, and begin to talk about why you don't want/or are not able to go back to the gym, energy for cinema, go out for drinks with people.

Go to your GP, and get a referral to a psychiatrist - I don't think you mentioned the word depression, it may or may not be there. If nothing else, the psychiatry services have a lot of other stuff to help you, like self, motivation, a lot of the nurses have extra training, some of that stuff might help.

Ease back on your work hours - you are working a lot and that is hiding a lot of stuff so you are not on your own at home.

Get some exercise, even if your not able for the gym, go for a 20 min run. Running helps so much with mental turmoil - I don't understand it really, you'd think time on your own would drive you insane, but no, works the other way:D
[download insanity and do it in your room - oh and I would disagree with your counsellors comment on bedrooms. In your own home, the bedroom is probably for sex & sleep; in a shared home, the bedroom is can also be your living room, dining room, & office, gym, etc:D She may never have lived in a shared home and doesn't understand the dynamic of them.]

Start getting out into the human race again - cinema is a safe bet.

Make an effort to chat to people when you are out. When buying something in the shop, chat with sales person. Having 5 2/3 mins chats with people can all help.

Oh and look at the diet.

And even more telling, if you are not willing do do any of the above, then that is a problem and is also telling.

Honey-ec

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

I’m not sure what happened next, but she was talking about CBT not working and referring me back to GP. To me, this felt like as soon as it starts getting difficult I get offloaded to be someone elses problem. This has gone on for 10 – 15 years now and I am sick of it.

OP, I've been following your thread from the start but hadn't posted yet as I wasn't sure what to say. However, the bolded bit really stood out for me - because, from what you've posted, it actually sounds like as soon as things start getting difficult you walk out. Are you sure the problem is really with everyone else??? There's one common denominator in the last 10 - 15 years here, and it's you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

I already thought you massively overreacted to her comment about a bedroom being for two things. She was making a perfectly normal point - bedrooms are supposed to only be for sleeping and sex, the vast majority of psychologists recommend that. But instead of seeing it as advice to get rid of the tv/computer/etc., you seized on it as a judgement of your celibate state. That's not a normal reaction, imo.

And now, we have another massive overreaction - you walk out as soon as the going gets a little tough in counselling. I don't believe for a second that your counsellor was trying to "offload the problem". She was accepting that the current approach wasn't working and exploring other options to help you. I 100% agree with her that you should go back to your GP. For whatever reason, counselling isn't helping you, so you need to discuss other avenues with your GP. Medication, psychotherapy. CBT - whatever. But, as I've said, there comes a time where you maybe need to admit to yourself that maybe the problem isn't with every single other person - it's with you.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Well i phoned my counsellor and asked her to allow me back as I realised that this was not going where I wanted.

I didn't want to walk out but felt I was backed into a corner, so left despite wishing/hoping she would say something so I could stay.

In the intervening time, I have arranged a date - the first date in my life. Hopefully I can follow through on it and I am also planning to go to the cinema more - just go, instead of reading the synopsis and deciding that I don't like the sound of it.

We'll see where it ends up.

I already thought you massively overreacted to her comment about a bedroom being for two things. She was making a perfectly normal point - bedrooms are supposed to only be for sleeping and sex, the vast majority of psychologists recommend that. But instead of seeing it as advice to get rid of the tv/computer/etc., you seized on it as a judgement of your celibate state. That's not a normal reaction, imo.

In my defence...

I don't know if my counsellor was being insensitive or whether it was me being overly sensitive. I believe it to be the latter as i don't think many would be as offended and as upset/angey as i was.

And now, we have another massive overreaction - you walk out as soon as the going gets a little tough in counselling. I don't believe for a second that your counsellor was trying to "offload the problem". She was accepting that the current approach wasn't working and exploring other options to help you. I 100% agree with her that you should go back to your GP. For whatever reason, counselling isn't helping you, so you need to discuss other avenues with your GP. Medication, psychotherapy. CBT - whatever. But, as I've said, there comes a time where you maybe need to admit to yourself that maybe the problem isn't with every single other person - it's with you.

Yes, this is veryy true. I'll go through options with her. However, I have waited almost 8 months from referral to appt so I am reluctant to get moved again. I do think that maybe it might be time to go back on the fluxotine.
Yes - when I see it written down, I am the problem...

Go back to your counsellor, when you are ready, and begin to talk about why you don't want/or are not able to go back to the gym, energy for cinema, go out for drinks with people.

1. Going to gym regularly now. 6 times this week.
2. See above. Planning to go this week or next. We'll see if I stick to this.
3. First date

In the last time you started getting help for yourself, can I assume that you have explicitly stated to whoever you were talking to that you have been in this situation for 10-15 years and still have not received the help you need? Have you considered speaking to a specific organisation that can help you get access to the right help that you need? Maybe with an organisation on board to back you to and prevent you from being offloaded to yet another entity, you will get the help you need?

I've asked my doctor who is very supportive but she (nor me) can think of anything else other than CBT for me.

Honey-ec

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

Yes - when I see it written down, I am the problem...

You're not *the* problem, you *have* a problem. There's a big difference. And part of that problem was a tendency to blame other people for issues in your life. But you seem to have realised that now, which is a huge step.

Best of luck with it all.

LegacyUser

Going back to see counsellor next week for first time since I walked out.

I've been struggling with motivation and energy for a while now and was thinking of asking her if I should go on Fluxotine/Prozac. Will this stuff brighten me up and help me get back my energy?

I used to love going to the gym. Now, I go but just walk back out again. I just cannot summon the energy or motivation to doa routine. I've a lost a lot of muscle and definition and am slipping backwards. It was a big part of my life and one that I enjoyed, now I am so incapable of doing it. I feel like I am slipping backwards.

Will Prozac help me or is it dangerously addictive as I've heard of people being addicted to AD's.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, posters here are not in a position to offer you medical advice, including what affects a particular drug might have on you. Your only option is to speak to your GP who is better qualified and better placed to talk you through any and all affects.

LegacyUser

Well that is the end of counselling. I was told I'd be welcome back when I am ready to change. Really bitterly disappointed with this.

I know my pace of change was extremely slow, but I was trying. I now feel realy miserable and don't know what to do. There seems to be no point now going back to any form of counselling, so what do I do now? What should be my next move?

I don't want to go back to the Gp after this failure, so I need to do this myself.

LegacyUser

Okay, I need to take control of my life myself now that counselling has ceased.

What do I need to do in order to sort my life out? The thing is that I know what I need to do - force myself out and about, join clubs, societies, maybe volunteer, basically just socialise more.

That is the easy part. I knew that and always did know that was what I needed to do in order get out and meet people.

However, my problem is that I don't know why I can't do this. This has always been my problem and no counsellor has ever tried to help me figure out why I can't push myself out there.

What do I need to do in order to force myself out there and why can't I do this?

I'm at a age now where I think that my ability to find a partner (and maybe children) is be eroded by time and my ability to get out there.

Please can you pgive me some advice on how to resolve this situation. I don't know why I can't force myself to get out there into the world. I know that I need to do these things but I can't push myself out of this rut/comfort zone and I'm leaving it very late for sorting out my life.


Thanks.

Merkin

Have you gone back to your GP as advised?

thefeatheredcat

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

This has always been my problem and no counsellor has ever tried to help me figure out why I can't push myself out there.

What do I need to do in order to force myself out there and why can't I do this?

Op you said in your opening post re joining clubs and other activities that the problem is that nothing interests you. Your pace of change, you said has been slow re counselling and going through what they have suggested.

Without knowing you anyone can throw out reasons why you can't push yourself out there, such as fear of change, resistance to change, acceptance of the situation as is indefinitely that this is it your life as is now, the fear of forging meaningful friendships and relationships with the risk that somewhere at some point, the established friendship will change and you'll be back alone, i.e. afraid of getting hurt.

Those alone would deter someone facing difficulties in life from putting themselves out there and doing new things in life. It's daunting and scary BUT you have to be honest with yourself about how you actually feel about putting yourself out there and if it is fear, then acknowledging it makes the fear grow smaller thus allowing you no longer be afraid and to take the plunge and do all those things.

The only thing you can do is take baby steps for yourself. Push yourself into seeing what all those things are and investigate a little on them. Sit on it then find out even more. Then push yourself into not just being an observer looking in the window at what you want, but an active participant.

I think given how you're and have been struggling going it alone would be difficult for you, I still think you should have a chat with your GP

Lonesome Dove

Registered now as going unreg was taking ages to activate the posts.

Merkin wrote: »

Have you gone back to your GP as advised?

I'll be making an appt tomorrow morning

I think given how you're and have been struggling going it alone would be difficult for you, I still think you should have a chat with your GP

As above, I'm making an appt tomorrow as I was not sleeping well with worry and anxiety over this. I think I'm close to having a mild panic attack. I've tried many approaches so I just can't see what other options are left to me.

I feel really guilty as well about consuming NHS resourse on this issue but I just can't seem to get my ass into gear to get out and about.

Lonesome Dove

Appt made - 1 months time

I could have gone to another GP, but I'd prefer to deal with my own as she knows the full story.

What else can I do in the mean time?

Merkin

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

Appt made - 1 months time

I could have gone to another GP, but I'd prefer to deal with my own as she knows the full story.

What else can I do in the mean time?

Phone back and ask them to contact you with a cancellation when one arises.

Lonesome Dove

Thanks - I'll see if the receptionist will allow that.

Is there anything more practical that I can do myself whilst I wait for this appt? Sorry, I'm no good at this type of stuff

Queen-Mise

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

Thanks - I'll see if the receptionist will allow that.

Is there anything more practical that I can do myself whilst I wait for this appt? Sorry, I'm no good at this type of stuff

I'd consider a referral from your doctor to a psychiatrist TBH.

To me it seems you have a very debilitating tiredness, lack of interest/care in life, pathos. I suppose you need to find out if it is depression or something medical (like thyroid).

If depression - then a psychiatrist might be the best bet, as they have more experience and resources than your doctor (about depression).
A few blood tests will find out if your iron is low, or thyroid, or something else.


Maybe in the meantime - if you are near a library or book shop. Try to pick up a book on depression. Flip through it, if any of it resonates with you. Bring it home. Do a bit of reading, knowledge is power and all that.

And if you are not able for the gym, then at least go for a walk.

Diziet

What you can do in the meantime is try to increase your energy levels. So - leave work on time. You are not up to 12 hour days. Try to walk for 20 minutes on the way back; you may want to park further away or get off at the previous bus stop. Then eat something nutritious, read a book and as soon as you feel sleepy, go to bed, even if it is only 9 o clock. Do this for a few days and you are almost guaranteed to feel better, as tiredness is very hard to deal with.

Lonesome Dove

On holiday at the minute and depressed. I am in a foreign country and not enjoying it. Am trying to, but just getting frustrated by not having people to hang out with and my personal problems.

I'm still thinking about my problems and how this ended with counsellor. Totally frustrated and wondering if there is a way out of this for me. At my age, the chances of turning things around are greatly reduced and I cannot see how I can have a normal life.

Most people enjoy being away on holiday, I feel terrible.

Not sure what to do, I'm tried of this struggling on alone. It is getting me down.

Merkin

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

Appt made - 1 months time

I could have gone to another GP, but I'd prefer to deal with my own as she knows the full story.

What else can I do in the mean time?

It's now a month since you made the appointment. Did you attend?

Lonesome Dove

Have not had it yet. I could not get one until now, so I had to push it out until my holiday is over and I am back in town.

LegacyUser

Op, you remind me of a friend of mine. He lived at home til he was 35 and by the time he moved out (under duress and because of difficult circumstances) he finally had to start taking life into his own hands. Not surprisingly having someone else do all the work for him and his mothers reassurance over the years left him completely incapable of doing much for himself. During all the years I had known him he always suffered really low self esteem, he didn't like himself very much and came across as very needy.. always sought reassurance from others, me in particular and I partly believed it was because he had never had the opportunity to achieve anything (real) by himself. I encouraged him to go and talk about these things with someone and a year later he is still having counselling on a weekly basis. I'm not sure how he is progressing but it appears to me that he's just substituted one crutch for another and needs this woman to not just validate him but practically do the constructive thinking for him. He really doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of life without having someone there to direct it for him. If anything it appears to me that his self esteem has just disintegrated to the point where he just gave up and he's just tagging along for the ride now. It's desperately frustrating.
If he believed even a tiny amount in his own ability it would be enough to get him to realise what he could do if he just decided he really wanted to.

levi12

Lonesome Dove hang in there.

You have often referred to your age and it seems to be something that weighs heavily on your mind. I can't see anywhere here where you state your actual age, is that something you would be willing to share. You seem desperate to fit into some idea of "normal" and your really beating yourself down because your not getting there. You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to achieve something hardly any of us have. . .

Ok your hair is thinning. . ..embrace it, make it your look, shave it . . . .You decide to own it . . . And then it can't get you down.

So you haven't a girlfriend. When your holiday is over will you look up the local community notes and see what's happening. Start small, you want to do something easy, out in the open, nothing too strenuous to start with, maybe there's a tidy towns committee you can join. Get talking to local people, get out there in your own town, make friends, interact with people. Get out of that room. Do it for yourself not for anybody else, baby steps.

Your counsellor is never going to say the right thing to you if you go there everytime thinking she is going to "fix" you. . . . . That power will come from you. . . .hour by hour, day by day, week by week. She can't help you until you change the pattern your in. Your stuck in a bit of a rut. Don't be so hard on yourself, it happens. It

Oh ya, in case it's skipped your notice. . . You started talking on here as unregistered then you committed to this by registering. . . . Baby step . . .but you did it. You joined something. You've put yourself out there, your talking to people . . ..And they are talking back. Did you notice, people are interested in what you have to say, people, total random strangers care about you. Let that sink in for a minute . . . . . You did this, you logged on, made a connection and how long are you keeping it up now. . . .A long time. And you probably didn't realise. You've joined a group maybe without even realising it

so go for it. Take another step, start a new conversation. . . .About something random like an episode of a program that you found funny. . . I bet a conversation will start. There's a buzz in that. A good one. Try it.

And remember. Live for today, tomorrow will look after itself. Good luck

Lonesome Dove

For ref: I'm 36.

I'll read through the replies better in a day or so as I'm still in foreign parts and need to go pack for an early train tomorrow.

Queen-Mise

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

For ref: I'm 36.

I'll read through the replies better in a day or so as I'm still in foreign parts and need to go pack for an early train tomorrow.

Enjoy you own company - buy some papers, drink coffees, magazines, and people watch. Particularly look out for the couples who are arguing whilst pretending they are not:D:D (That always cheers me up).

Chat to randomers.

Lonesome Dove

benshome wrote: »

I encouraged him to go and talk about these things with someone and a year later he is still having counselling on a weekly basis. I'm not sure how he is progressing but it appears to me that he's just substituted one crutch for another and needs this woman to not just validate him but practically do the constructive thinking for him. He really doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of life without having someone there to direct it for him. If anything it appears to me that his self esteem has just disintegrated to the point where he just gave up and he's just tagging along for the ride now. It's desperately frustrating.

I can 100% relate to this story. However, imagine how it feels for you and multiply it by infinity and that will be how your friend (and me feel).


I'm on holiday at the minute and there seems to be so many happy people about - I've been looking for the miserable couples, but not found any

At night I either go to bed early and rise early to get out and about the sights, or lie in room watching TV or go for a stroll after dinner (if the area feels safe).

I've not managed to have a conversation with anyone yet on the trip outside of interactions with tourism trade employees - apart from one person who I met at one sight and walked with me to another. Baby steps or a fluke, I don't know. I don't believe I done anything that initiated this response from the person, so I put it down to them be an outgoing and sociable person.

In relation to my appt with doctor, I'm not sure where it goes from here. Both levi & ben make valid points about the counsellor, so I'm not sure what to do or indeed as for now.

Is it now time for meds, and what could they possibly do? Personally, I don't think they will make a difference.

Anyhow, gotta go and organise my itinerary for tomorrow!

LegacyUser

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

I don't believe I done anything that initiated this response from the person, so I put it down to them be an outgoing and sociable person.

Is it now time for meds, and what could they possibly do? Personally, I don't think they will make a difference.

Firstly, meds can help. Just because you don't think so, doesn't mean that they won't.

SEcondly, check out a book called The Feeling Good handbook. There are great exercises in there to get your brain to untwist some of your negative thinking. It really helped me.

Travelling on your own can be a big challenge - even my most sociable friends have never done it. It also depends on the type of holiday. Lots of package holidays place will be full of couple and families - so you may find yourself in a place where people are sticking to themselves. When I am in a place like that I bring a book or a newpaper and go sit at the bar - most people on their own will be at the bar. They're looking for company too.

Every great conversation starts with a simple hello. If you are nervous before you go out, have a beer or two.

With regards to your physique, well, it won't change unless you get back to doing weights. Exercise has been proven to be a good anti depressant so get on it! I find that starting my day exercising is the best way.

LegacyUser

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

I can 100% relate to this story. However, imagine how it feels for you and multiply it by infinity and that will be how your friend (and me feel).


I'm on holiday at the minute and there seems to be so many happy people about - I've been looking for the miserable couples, but not found any

At night I either go to bed early and rise early to get out and about the sights, or lie in room watching TV or go for a stroll after dinner (if the area feels safe).

I've not managed to have a conversation with anyone yet on the trip outside of interactions with tourism trade employees - apart from one person who I met at one sight and walked with me to another. Baby steps or a fluke, I don't know. I don't believe I done anything that initiated this response from the person, so I put it down to them be an outgoing and sociable person.

In relation to my appt with doctor, I'm not sure where it goes from here. Both levi & ben make valid points about the counsellor, so I'm not sure what to do or indeed as for now.

Is it now time for meds, and what could they possibly do? Personally, I don't think they will make a difference.

Anyhow, gotta go and organise my itinerary for tomorrow!

I do understand and empathise with his situation, I know things are tough for him at the moment but I've also known him a long time and have a fairly good handle on how he deals with things. I've pulled back a bit over the last few years because despite how tough things might be for him he has to learn how to figure some things out by himself.

I've had my own struggles over the years and have attended different kinds of therapy myself, I tried cbt first many years ago and at the time was too angry to be able to concentrate so I left and decided to do my own work by buying my own books (which cbt therapist recommended) and learning as much as I could about how to help myself. Over time things got better and it led to having a greater sense of awareness and gave me tools I could use but every now and then I have the need to see someone to talk things out. I took the bull by the horns recently and contacted a reputable counselor and discovered having a counselling session so much more productive as I have a better understanding of how it works.

I don't go there expecting someone else to fix me, that's my job, I go there aware I have an issue and am in the company of someone I can bounce it off...safely. I pay for him to listen to me and that's it. It might only take one or two sessions but once I've vented/explored the area, in a safe place and with a qualified person I can walk away with a new perspective or feel like I've processed something in a new way, or can see something more clearly having removed whatever obstacle was blocking the view.
Maybe I should credit my counselor more but the few appointments I have had were satisfying and I left feeling more settled. (I pay privately and it is quite expensive but worth it)

My friend has been seeing his counselor every week for a year, he doesn't have to pay very much as it's a service provided at minimal fee, his counselor is a "trainee" and as such not fully qualified in the field and I really feel that at this stage it's only enabling the situation. If your counselor is not working for you ask for other recommendations, check their qualifications and background and commit yourself to the process. If you really want to get something out of it then you have to be willing to put something in. It's a bit like learning to swim.
enjoy the hols

levi12

Your thirty six. . . . . You mean your only thirty six.

Your in your prime. Get that body up and running again and the world is your oyster. Some of us posting are older than you and well jeal right now at how much time you so have still on your side to do all the things your looking for and so very much more.

Shur your only a young fella!!!! :-)

average hero

OP,firstly you are the man! Why do I say that you may ask, well you have registered and are actively combatting this temporary situation that you are in (I say temporary as you WILL get over it).

Firstly, you are 36. There are men and women twice your age that would love to be your age. I only say that to show you the positive side of being 36. You have at least 36 more years to write the best years of your life - start as soon as you can. Okay, you may not have had the best time of it lately, but make the REST of your life the BEST of your life. You can't change the past, you can only change the present and the future.

I am posting this at 2 in the morning. I am passionate in my message that EVERYONE CAN TURN IT AROUND. Limit the workload, life is not about work, it is about living. I am passionate about this because I was in your mindset not one year ago.

I had everything, ladies wanted me, money, opportunities and it ALL came crumbling down. I lost all of my money, family broke up, opportunities evaporated and I got fat. I pushed my friends and girlfriends away from me. After years of torture I finally realized that carrying baggage was zapping energy from me and I can live life positively or embrace the reclusive feelings I was having. I have had such an turnaround, it has been like I have been born again. Everything tastes better now

Some practical tips from my point of view:
1) Only YOU can alter YOUR life. Make decisions when you feel well enough to do so.
2) Take time to relax and put perspective into your life.
3) Reduce your workload in work
4) Get back into walking in and out of the gym. Train for a 15 mins on the treadmill - hit 3km for example.
5) When abroad, realize the big bad world is out there with so many opportunities (and potential partners!!) for someone like yourself!
6) And finally the biggest and best one of all - realize that there IS HOPE for EVERY dream and goal you ever have. Get out there, mingle, take up boxing or boxercise, embrace life, love yourself.

Sorry for the long post, but I am passionate about this. I was there a while ago. Smile, you are over the hump of it. Grab life by the balls and don't let go.

Carpe Diem. Keep on truckin'

Lonesome Dove

Thanks for all the posts. I go to the doctor soon for my appt. I'm not really sure what the next step is for me. Counselling has not worked for me so far. I know what I need to do - always have done. But I just can't do it.

I don't think I'm lazy but that might be the best way to describe it.

I was away and failed interact properly with anyone. I tried, but only managed to converse with those who initiated conversation with me. And even then I struggled to make small talk. At night, I struggled to get out and usually ended up in bed by 10:00 or 10:30. I could not go into large crowd I just was not up to it.

I am scared that I cannot do this. I have continuously failed over the years. I don't know how I can get out of the rut.

Sirsok

Sirsok wrote: »

I was in the same boat myself when I was in Australia, I didn't wanna get up to experience anything, and on the chance I did, I was not in the slightest bit impressed.when I came home I decided I needed to change everything, when someone asked me to do something I did it, a distant relative might say ah you should pop over to the house for a cup of tea someday, so I did! Through just doing things that previously I had no motivation to do, I've met many interesting characters and change my life around. Obviously you can't always do everything but it helped shape alot of my current habits and get me out of that initial depression. Best of luck op you should pop down Kilkenny for a cup of tea someday

I think you've hit on something there. Monotonous routine is probably one of the biggest contributors of depression. It sounds cliched but OP should follow Sirsoks advice and try and do things that they wouldnt normally do.

In most cases people feel brilliant when they come back from a holiday and the key here is meeting new people, experiencing new things, experiencing new cultures/sub cultures even... Its a huge world out there and most of us are probably doing the same thing at the same time every day without any real motivation or goal behind it.

Matteroffact

You are too hard on yourself OP. You went away on a holiday and that in itself is a good move. Give yourself some credit. You cannot expect to be able to interact with strangers all of a sudden when you have never done this before. You need to stop expecting so much of yourself and then becoming disillusioned when you cannot come up to your own expectations.

First start off with little things, small things that you know you can do, e.g. go to the shops after work and buy the newspaper and read it. Get interested in the news and what is going on around you. Don't expect to be able to read and take in the news all in one night, but take it a little at a time and get into the habit of reading the newspaper. Over time this will give you something to talk about when you are in a social gathering. When you have mastered this you will feel good about yourself and then you can try something else.

You have a job and you are holding on to it, that took some doing, so congratulations on that.

So far you have the job and you went on holidays by yourself., so it ain't all bad. This shows that you have what it takes.

Put it before you to join just one meet.up group and start from there. You have to make the effort to do this. It might be difficult at first but once you make the first move it will be lot easier after that.

Nothing will come to you unless you make the effort and the rewards are great.

You have proved that you can be successful e.g. your job, so I am convinced that you can pull yourself out of this rut and get going again, so make the first move, get the newspaper and concentrate on something outside yourself and things will get a lot easier for you.

Wishing you every success, you deserve it.

Lonesome Dove

Well, I seen my doctor today and she thinks that AD's are no use for me. She is also a bit lost as to what I can try next in order to get out of this situation I am in.

She suggested physcotheraphy, which means not much to me as I know little about it. It sounds like a lot of talking about my past to try to find something that could be the cuase or trigger for me being unwilling to make the first step.

In the intervening time I don't know what to do with myself. I went to the gym tnoight, but it was incredibly busy so I just left and went home without doing one thing there.

I really don't know where my life is going. I am abling along and not taking part in anything. I get scared thinking about it and it winds me upwith anxiety knowing that there is a solution but I can't find it.

jenggg

Hey there,

I have read through the posts but not thoroughly. I just wanted to say that I went through a really difficult time a couple of years ago. Complete lack of motivation/interest in anything. My GP was anti medication so I went for CBT. While helpful it did not pull me out of the hole I felt I was in. My doctor was happy to prescribe antidepressants after 6 months of no major improvement. I can honestly say it was the best thing for me. The medication pulled me out of it and made the therapy easier and more effective.
I suppose what I'm saying is maybe don't rule out medication. My doctor said it might not work for me too but it was worth a try. I did have side effects etc but I stayed on them for nearly 2 years and I am now off them and feeling back to normal. I'm just glad I tried them. I honestly believe I wouldn't have gotten better without them. That's just my story! Best of luck!

Lonesome Dove

Thanks - I did ask for meds but she said no. We'll see how things progress...

Lonesome Dove

Annoyed with myself tonight. I wasted yet another evening. Went to gym, but it was very busy, so left without doing anything as I didn't feel I had the energy and have then sat in front of computer since (probably 7:30pm until now) surfing and watching YouTube videos.

This is not healthy and I know it is wrong and I need to force myself out there, but I can't do it

padz

hey op this is off topic, you mentioned about watchin online tv and your username is lonesome dove, i just started watchin that series the other day, love robbert douval in it,

on depression thou, ive been thru some serious hard times, a lot of what i went thru i had to work out in my own head, many many nites awake, many many wkends of depression the black dog

i was seeing a councellor that was v good but i did realise that i was goin thru a process, im still in that process but its luckily not as bad, the only thing i can say is it does get easier, you wont ever wake up being a joyfull happy bunny but when moments of happieness come they are real and heartflelt, otherwise its just tryin to stay out of the 'slip' i call it, the slip into the abyss creeps up on you and its a big fight to not let it take hold, sometimes it wins and u let it, other times u win and know that its not goin to be an amazing day but it will be a gentle ponderous day

i hope maybe this helps, stay cool:cool:

Lonesome Dove

I went to gym tonight and felt better for it. Got in early to work and then left early to get to gym before rush. Even went for a night out shopping at Tesco

On a serious note, I still don't know how to overcome this problem. I am getting anxious and extremely worried about my future as I see the next few years as defining years for the path my future life will take. If I manage to turn things around, then I can possibly have a normal life otherwise I will be the recluse office oddity with no life outside of the office.

These are big times for me.

thefeatheredcat

From your first, opening post:

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

However, I have lost all my gains in the gym and now I am soo tired and de-motivated that I don't attend any more.

OP, read back over your thread from the start and already see how much you are progressing! It may all be small steps but you are making a great start!

Lonesome Dove wrote: »

Annoyed with myself tonight. I wasted yet another evening. Went to gym, but it was very busy, so left without doing anything as I didn't feel I had the energy and have then sat in front of computer since (probably 7:30pm until now) surfing and watching YouTube videos.

This is not healthy and I know it is wrong and I need to force myself out there, but I can't do it

There are two things - 1 is that I feel you are being far too hard on yourself. Reading through your posts, sometimes I see that you truly believe you are a failure and cannot be helped. But I don't believe that. You chastise yourself for not making the effort or talking to people when on holiday - but you did go on holiday, on your own, and talk with people. You have to remember that for anyone striking up a conversation there is a risk, even confident total strangers there for the same reason might have no clue what the response is going to be or how another individual might react. You shouldn't put yourself down.

2 - I noticed the bit about wasting another evening. But if you look at that quote from your first post, notice something? You have been to the gym, you have committed yourself to going. You're making a great step in even going to the gym. You absolutely must cut yourself some slack and stop being so hard on yourself. But at the same time, if you truly feel that you are wasting your time in the evenings, you have to draw a line under it and get yourself doing something more constructive that turns the negative perception into something positive. You need a way to modify your behaviour, over time. And for something like hours of youtube, you need to consciously address at that time that you feel that you are wasting your time and alter the behaviour. Like catch yourself at that time and acknowledge it and address it by doing something else, away from your computer. And at the same time, you have to allow yourself to have those days when it feels like the right thing for you to do and that it's not wasteful of time.

I think even going to the gym is a success in itself and maybe even if it is busy and you keep going there anyway, you can say to yourself: "what is the alternative? That I sit on my own watching youtube videos and feel bad about myself, feeling that I have wasted my time? Or this? Exercise, even if it is busy?"

Another thing I suggest you do is read back over the post Average Hero made. I would also say, print it off and carry it with you in your wallet, read back over it when you really feel upset so you go get a reminder that you can, you really can change this around for yourself.

Lonesome Dove

Been at the gym 3 nights in a row now. Was going to go to cinema this week too, but my favourite cinema is showing halloween movies which do not interest me. So I guess I'll just keep an eye on the listings.

I'm also getting into work earlier and trying to leave early. This week the latest I left was 6:15pm. I'm now usually in by 8:30am. This gives me more free time in the evening to do stuff. Not that I have anything to do yet.

Life still is lonely and negative thoughts are never far away. If only I could find something to do evening for an evening a week outside of the gym which would allow me to get out and meet people of my age group.

My diet is getting better although sleep time is not sufficient in my view - I'm only sleeping from about 12 to 6:30am.