Being asked for cash as part of the invite

Merkin

We're going to a wedding on Saturday of two friends who both my husband and I really like and get on with very well. We're looking forward to it. Now this is a PET hate of mine, but contained in the actual invitation a few months ago was a poem that was so cringey it made my toes curl, asking very directly for money, as opposed to any kind of gifts at all.

I am honestly generous to a fault and would be considered very giving and generous (so it's not about the actual money) but because we have been directly asked for money, I really, really do not want to give money. I know some people will absolutely slate me on here but this is my personal opinion. Have the wedding you can afford and if people choose to give a gift (of their choosing) then that is lovely but I object to a wedding being a glorified fundraiser and I especially don't like being told that's what we're going to be giving.

So, my beloved Mr. Merkin is saying that we have to give money as it's the decent/expected thing to do but on principle I don't want to. I'd much prefer to give a lovely gift or alternatively (under duress) buy a voucher for a nice store. Would this be a massive social faux pas? Like I say we get on well with them but I don't like being told what to buy.......what to do?

I am pie

Get over it and give them some money.

beakerjoe

I always give cash personally as i think the wedding is expensive and they may want to pay off loans arising from said Event.

Dont see the problem with them putting that on it in this day and age

Jack Kyle

What they're doing is in bad taste.

However, the fact of the matter is that they'd prefer cash.

Just give them cash.

Personally, I prefer to give cash as otherwise I'm imposing my taste on the recipient.

There's a better way they could have handled this though...say nothing on the invitation, don't have a list and tell the mothers to advise anyone seeking guidance that "the couple have pretty much everything". We did that. Very few people even asked our mothers and in 95% of cases, people gave us cash.

SCOOP 64

Another thread on here "how much to give", but to actually ask for cash seems abit off, should be up to you cash or gift, may as well have said "were getting married will you pay for our wedding?"

Berty

I got some sample invites recently from a printer and in one way an insert saying to drop money to so and so house on such a date before the wedding.

The fvcking neck to tell guests what to do about a gift.

We will not expect anything and after 13 years together if somebody buys us a toaster then they're an idiot(as clearly we have a house full of stuff) but to ask for a cash amount is madness and downright rude.

But what can do you, they want cash so give them whatever you were going to and if you were buying a gift them cash value to the value of said gift I guess.

Dyr

Just dont go to weddings,


its fkin madness in fairness

Meangadh

God that's so unclassy. Absolute tack.

But it's probably just easier to give the money and forget about it. You can be sure an awful lot of people going to the wedding will also not be too pleased with the poem on the invite either.

sweetie

give them half of what you would have spent in cash! simples. think of it as a 'brazen' tax.

anncoates

It's not something I'd think of doing and it's a bit tacky but a gift should be about the person to whom you give it, not about you.

If that's what they want, give it to them or don't go to the wedding.

Personaly speaking, we didn't ask for a particular gift type and got about 20% gifts and 75% money and to be honest, it was preferable to getting about 100+ gifts, the overhelming majoroty of which would probably have been things we didn't need or had already.

my my my

buy them a 150 dollar ticket for the euro-millions

SCOOP 64

Also a invite like that, i would give cash, but my opinion of that couple will change.

DjangoMc

We sent a "poem" in our invites. But we asked for cash, not to pay off our wedding (we had the money saved for that) but because there was nothing to get us.
We have a house, we have everything we need. So what is the point in getting us more vases & glasses when we don't need nor have anywhere to put them.

I don't think its bad form at all to ask for cash. You can give as little as you like. Or you don't have to give anything. Once I got a card, I was happy.

Berty

Just for LOLs here's the Sample the printer sent me:

cookiecakes

Oh my God...I've seen it all now!

DjangoMc

Now that is pure brazen! Mine was a proper little nice polite way (nothing cringy) of saying we have all we need.

Corkbah

DjangoMc wrote: »

We sent a "poem" in our invites. But we asked for cash, not to pay off our wedding (we had the money saved for that) but because there was nothing to get us.
We have a house, we have everything we need. So what is the point in getting us more vases & glasses when we don't need nor have anywhere to put them.

I don't think its bad form at all to ask for cash. You can give as little as you like. Or you don't have to give anything. Once I got a card, I was happy.

I have to disagree there .... its bad form to ask for or expect anything.... if you are inviting guests to your wedding then you want them to be there and share your day.

Our wedding is in three weeks and if someone wants to give us a present, well and good, if they don't, no harm .... we've invited about 130people and hope they all turn up, the entire thing is costing us around €35K (including a lavish honeymoon) ..... you only get married once so ... its nice to share it with family/friends ...we've invited work peoples and a few neighbours to the evening reception.

We've been living together for a while and when we got engaged we got 6 different wine glass sets .... we have purchased display cabinets to ensure that these people can see their gift if they visit us.

we handmade our invites and orders of service, we have family/friends doing various jobs, making/icing the cake, doing hair, make-up and driving us around, our venue is costing us €80 per person for the meal and we hope they all enjoy it.

Grayditch

Give them the cash and quietly judge them forever.

Merkin

Corkbah wrote: »

I have to disagree there .... its bad form to ask for or expect anything....

Thank you. This is the point I was trying to get at.

Corkbah

Grayditch wrote: »

Give them the cash and quietly judge them forever.

can just picture them (the B&G in original post) the following day going through the envelopes and gifts ...rubbing hands and eyes lighting up.

in your case OP .... I would give what you were going to give anyway ...no point in holding a grudge or passing any comment about it, [insert bible quote] ...judge not ye..lest ye be judged ...or something like that [/close bible]

some people may need money or appreciate it more than others.

luckyboy

That would strike me as bad form, I have to say

PizzamanIRL

Ooh lets get married and ask our friends and family to pay the bill.

enricoh

get them a matching toaster n kettle set if u wanna take the piss! or sponsor a cow or goat in africa n put the reciept n literature in the card.
sticks in my throat that kinda stuff tbh.

mrsoundie

Bad manners. Its like they think some people (most probably not the OP) need the hint.

I recently was unable to attend a friends wedding, I knew that they did not need anything on the home front, so I went and picked out a present that showed my sorrow at not being able to attend yet how much I like them. The gift was greatly appreciated and they genuinely liked it.

What I am saying is, the happy couple should not be asking directly for money, let their guests decide. Who knows they might be surprised?

DjangoMc

Corkbah wrote: »

I have to disagree there .... its bad form to ask for or expect anything.... if you are inviting guests to your wedding then you want them to be there and share your day.

Our wedding is in three weeks and if someone wants to give us a present, well and good, if they don't, no harm .... we've invited about 130people and hope they all turn up, the entire thing is costing us around €35K (including a lavish honeymoon) ..... you only get married once so ... its nice to share it with family/friends ...we've invited work peoples and a few neighbours to the evening reception.

We've been living together for a while and when we got engaged we got 6 different wine glass sets .... we have purchased display cabinets to ensure that these people can see their gift if they visit us.

we handmade our invites and orders of service, we have family/friends doing various jobs, making/icing the cake, doing hair, make-up and driving us around, our venue is costing us €80 per person for the meal and we hope they all enjoy it.

I've been to a lot of weddings in the past 3 years and each time I've had to ring and ask what to get them. Each time we've been told, look they want cash to pay off their wedding. Now that I don't agree with!
We paid €80 per head as well for our guests (115 people) I know a couple who are inviting loads so they can get the cash and the invite actually said "No Gift Registry, cash gifts requested". (couple is my brother and his fiancée)

Believe me you don't want people ringing the two weeks before the wedding, annoying you about what kind of glasses/plates/vases you want. You have enough to be doing and they will annoy you!

Yes we wanted to share our special day...which we did.

And No... I wasn't rubbing my hands at the thoughts of opening our cards. We actually waited till about 2 weeks after the wedding to open any of them (1 week honeymoon) and the second week we where to busy meeting up with people and I wasn't pushed to open them.

Each to their own I think.

Gokei

Merkin wrote: »

Thank you. This is the point I was trying to get at.

Just put the amount you were going to spend into a card, wish them well, enjoy the day.

Getting hung up on small details like this will just raise your blood pressure.

Svalbard

Why not make a donation to charity for the amount one would normally give as a cash gift. So technically you didn't go and get them a toaster or some such just to get up their noses, and they can't really complain. Win-win.

shauna67

I got married in an era when it was unheard of to receive money, yes we did end up with a number of toasters and quilts etc, but a lot of gifts have remained intact - crystal etc and its lovely to have them as I would never have bought anything like that. Buy a present and make it a personal gift and it will be treasured (if they really don't like it they can regift!). If they need the money to get married maybe they should have waited another year or left out some of the trimmings!

Deise Vu

SCOOP 64 wrote: »

Also a invite like that, i would give cash, but my opinion of that couple will change.

This is the thing. It's Ireland, no matter how nice the dress, the band , the food etc etc etc people will say: "and shure why wouldn't it, didn't I help pay for it?"

I also have no problem with giving money. For close relatives I would never give anything else because I know what the bloody things cost. Actually asking for money though, is saying I want a huge crowd at my wedding so it will be memorable for me but I expect everyone that comes to pay for themselves and, hopefully, make a contribution towards the 'indirect overheads'. I honestly don't see the point in hosting a party where all the guests are paying for themselves.

DjangoMc

shauna67 wrote: »

I got married in an era when it was unheard of to receive money, yes we did end up with a number of toasters and quilts etc, but a lot of gifts have remained intact - crystal etc and its lovely to have them as I would never have bought anything like that. Buy a present and make it a personal gift and it will be treasured (if they really don't like it they can regift!). If they need the money to get married maybe they should have waited another year or left out some of the trimmings!

I would have accepted gorgeous gifts like this, but I honestly had them ( i got them when my parents died) I got all their good china, vases, frames (got a fab Waterford crystal frame from years ago). Even some of their presents from when they got married.

We had our wedding paid for, totally by ourselves. No help from anyone. Honeymoon included. People where not pressured to give us anything. As I said above some just gave a card and I was delighted with that (some of the cards where personally made) and I put those cards around the house once we opened them.

Some people have different tastes and want to be able to buy what they love. Some people hate returning gifts they've received (I know I do)

pwurple

God thats brutal on an invite.

But... I'd probably still give them money, seeing as that's what they want. In cheque form though.

dr strangelove

Spend the money on a hooker and send....... oooops, wrong thread.
Sorry.

January

DjangoMc wrote: »

Now that is pure brazen! Mine was a proper little nice polite way (nothing cringy) of saying we have all we need.

There is no polite way of asking for money. It's always going to be cringey for the people receiving the invite... no matter what the couple sending the invite thinks.

Gokei

DjangoMc wrote: »

Now that is pure brazen! Mine was a proper little nice polite way (nothing cringy) of saying we have all we need.

We got an invite few years ago, went along the lines of "we have all we need, so just come along and enjoy our day with us"

Amazingly everyone managed to crack their code and got them cash.

mrsoundie

Gokei wrote: »

We got an invite few years ago, went along the lines of "we have all we need, so just come along and enjoy our day with us"

Amazingly everyone managed to crack their code and got them cash.

That's good. That's the way to ask.

Berty

I'd prefer cash gifts however we are saving every penny ourselves so we won't have loan or anything so if we got nothing then it wouldn't matter.

Best way to avoid gifts you don't need or want is to tell select people like parents and bridal party, they can drop hints but asking for cash is shocking.

Sycopat

How typically Irish is it to resent being told what someone wants as a gift when you have every intention of getting them something anyway?

Would I put something like that on an invite? No. I think it's tacky.

Would I tell someone who asks to give money? Yes (After an obligatory "No it's grand, don't bother"). I wouldn't want a wedding I couldn't afford but frankly, money is easier to deal with on the day, more useful long term, and more of a gift for both partners.

stop animal cruelty

In fairness, most of us want to recieve money as a gift, but not give money as a gift (I admit it!) :P

D3PO

I always give cash but if I ever got an invite asking for it. Id go out of my way to buy a gift. Call me petty but I expect a wedding invite because I'm wanted there to celebrate with the couple.

If I choose to give a gift which I always would its because I choose to and its of my choosing, not because im told to in an invite.

Meangadh

There is NO polite or non-cringey way of asking for money!

I don't care if I get married and end up with 20 toasters, that's my guests' choice to make. Sure, money might be nicer and more useful, but the giver decides what they hand over, not the receiver. Jesus the neck of some people, I'm genuinely shocked that this is even a thing people consider!

Besides the fact that most people give money anyway, so if whatever is left over is in the form of glasses and steak knives, then so be it. Good God.

Jack Kyle

There is actually.

Don't have a wedding list, (obviously) say nothing on the invites 'cause that's crass and tell the mothers to say "well to be honest, they have everything" if asked for present ideas.

That's what we did. I don't think that it was crass and something like 165 out of 170 guests gave us cash.

efb

Is a printed cash lodgement slip too much? Just ask them to affix the receipt to the RSVP

ElleEm

It is such bad taste to ask for cash, no matter how subtle/ cute/ creative!

A friend of mine recently received an invite with one of these "give us money" poems on it... the poem actually said that they would spend the cash on their honeymoon, and there were bank details on the back. Really made me cringe that they expected money, but that they were actually waiting on it to go into their bank account to book and pay for their honeymoon with "gifts" BEFORE the actual wedding.

Todd Gack

DjangoMc wrote: »

We sent a "poem" in our invites. But we asked for cash, not to pay off our wedding (we had the money saved for that) but because there was nothing to get us.
We have a house, we have everything we need. So what is the point in getting us more vases & glasses when we don't need nor have anywhere to put them.

Why ask for cash at all then if there was nothing to get you and you have everything you need, seems rather greedy.

Jack Kyle

Just say nothing and people with an ounce of cop on will read between the lines and give you readies...

Sligo1

Sycopat wrote: »

How typically Irish is it to resent being told what someone wants as a gift when you have every intention of getting them something anyway?

Would I put something like that on an invite? No. I think it's tacky.

Would I tell someone who asks to give money? Yes (After an obligatory "No it's grand, don't bother"). I wouldn't want a wedding I couldn't afford but frankly, money is easier to deal with on the day, more useful long term, and more of a gift for both partners.

This! I agree with.

And although I'm sure I will receive somewhat negative feedback for what I'm about to say.... Well I'm gonna say it anyway...

We just got married. A small wedding... Small for countryside standards anyway. 150 people. Cost over 40k excluding honeymoon. So if you do the maths we knew that gifts of cash were never going to pay for our wedding... Or even half of it! That's not what we were about anyway. We wanted everyone to come and enjoy the day. Would never have dreamed of asking for money on invites. And would have been delighted with a lovely card alone.

All my side of the family gave cash... Which we were very grateful for. Nearly all my husbands side gave presents... Which we were also very grateful for as it was very thoughtful of them... Amd some of the gifts lovely momentos of the day. However, I'm sorry but I have to say after receiving 6 wine glass sets for our engagement (which were enjoyed very much since)... To receive another 6 sets for our wedding was a bit much. This goes the same for all the photo frames we received which we really just have no room for whatsoever. And the candlesticks.... Well our house must be a major fire hazard at this stage!

What I'm trying to say is... While some people put a lot of thought and time into choosing gifts... Which are usually in turn greatly appreciated... I'm sure a lot of couples would prefer €20 in a card to yet another set of glasses. Either way... I would always give the B&G what I know they would like or prefer as it is about them and not about what you would prefer to give.

When it's a family members or friends birthday or its xmas I get them what they want! If i know theyre strapped for cash id give them money or a voucher or id ask them if theres anything theyd need and get that for them. I don't give them a DVD box set of the inbetweeners coz I know that's what I'd secretly love! I don't see why a wedding should be any different.....

Merkin

ElleEm wrote: »

It is such bad taste to ask for cash, no matter how subtle/ cute/ creative!

A friend of mine recently received an invite with one of these "give us money" poems on it... the poem actually said that they would spend the cash on their honeymoon, and there were bank details on the back. Really made me cringe that they expected money, but that they were actually waiting on it to go into their bank account to book and pay for their honeymoon with "gifts" BEFORE the actual wedding.

This is a give us money poem too (about a money tree) and I just find it to be a small step up from begging to be honest.

Frank Lee Midere

I don't why cash is any more or less tacky than asking for any other gift, or a wish list.

Munstermissy

I'm at the stage now where wedding invites are few and far between,thank the Lord. If I received an invite specifically asking for cash, I would go the toaster route.

If people have to rely on cash gifts to fund their weddings the that is not my problem, I refer to these weddings as rent-a-crowd and would specifically get a voucher. People trying to dress it up as they already have everything, etc, blah blah, load of crap.

OP give what YOU want give and if they don't like it well then that's their problem.

Meangadh

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

I don't why cash is any more or less tacky than asking for any other gift, or a wish list.

But that's my point. Asking specifically for anything is tacky. Putting a wish list is tacky. And total diva/bridezilla/groomzilla (for want of a better word) behaviour.

So you got a set of glasses for your engagement and more for your wedding? Boo frickin hoo. Yeah money would be nicer, but you don't get married for the money. Getting a present no matter what it is, is a wonderful thing. You may never ever use it, but someone gave it to you because you were getting married and they acknowledged that.

Jesus it's no wonder so many people hate going to weddings when demands are made of them. I'm fairly easy going about most things but carry on like that just baffles me.

Munstermissy

On another note, haven't received one thank you note from any of the weddings that I have attended in the last couple of years. So all well and good to ask for cash if people are that way inclined but please have the manners to thank people after the fact!