Wedding Gifts

Sarah.fog

Any suggestions on how to suggest to your wedding guests to not buy you presents without coming out and saying 'cash please'?! Buying a house and could really do with the money but not sure how to phrase it...

Thanks for any advice

Sarah

January

Don't do it. It's tacky. People will probably end up buying you a gift rather than giving cash if you even hint at it.

Supraman

Money is the done thing these days . Most will give it . You'll get presents off those that don't want to part with cash and would prefer to recycle presents they have been given as house warning presents etc. Be prepared for lots of glass , be it vases or wine glasses etc.

Thankfully the wheel is always turning toward their big day ..

toadfly

Ya dont do it, from what I have read on other wedding forums when people get these type of worked invites a lot of your guests will purposely buy you a horrible blue vase or similiar.

We had 180 guests at our wedding and got 5 actual presents, the rest was cash so my advice dont even hint at it on your invites or you may regret it.

lazygal

There's no nice way to ask people to give you money. Chuggers are a case in point.


We usually give cash, the amount of which depends on our closeness to the couple in question and whether its in Ireland or abroad. If someone hinted, in any way, that they wanted cash I'd seriously consider giving a gift. I didn't ask for cash when I had my 21st or any other celebration, and we didn't ask for cash from those attending our wedding.

It is not up to those invited to your wedding to celebrate your day to fund your house purchase.

Ms2011

When I was asked what I'd like as a gift I asked for money.
There's a way of saying it without sounding rude & I only said it if I was asked what I'd like.
We just said something along the lines of "we haven't been away in years so we'd really like a nice honeymoon so just throw whatever you can into a card & we can put it towards that, thank you".

pwurple

Let your parents know. A lot of family will ask your parents what you would like. When asked (and ONLY when asked), they can say something like, they are saving for a house at the moment, so a contribution towards that would be nice.

Gatica

pwurple's suggestion is a nicer way to do it...

Couples used to do gift-lists with shops, now that most people no longer do that, guests choose what to give themselves, most of the time it's money anyway. Other than that, it's rather rude to "ask" for any kind of present.

CarMe

Oh I've gotten the "we haven't been away in years...." one a good few times and it makes me cringe.
Pwurples suggestion is the only way I think.

lazygal

Yeah, I don't know anyone who hasn't been away somewhere in recent times unless they are totally skint, in which case they probably shouldn't be throwing parties they can't afford. The honeymoon begging requests are the same as saying 'please give us money'.

Ms2011

lazygal wrote: »

Yeah, I don't know anyone who hasn't been away somewhere in recent times unless they are totally skint, in which case they probably shouldn't be throwing parties they can't afford. The honeymoon begging requests are the same as saying 'please give us money'.

I haven't been on holiday since 2009 & everyone that knows us knows that.
I'm having the wedding I can afford, it's not huge but I can afford it & have saved hard for it along with some savings which are maturing in Sept.
What a disgusting, shallow post!!!!

lazygal

Ms2011 wrote: »

I haven't been on holiday since 2009 & everyone that knows us knows that.
I'm having the wedding I can afford, it's not huge but I can afford it & have saved hard for it along with some savings which are maturing in Sept.
What a disgusting, shallow post!!!!

Its not. Asking for money, however nicely, may well be construed as such. I'm not the only one who think so.

Ms2011

lazygal wrote: »

Its not. Asking for money, however nicely, may well be construed as such. I'm not the only one who think so.

Well I've never thought any different of someone asking for money as a present in any context, it's their prerogative, who am I to say why they want/need it. I wouldn't judge someone for it.

CarMe

I'd have to agree with lazygal, OP I totally understand where you're coming from in wanting money more than a pack of champagne flutes, I'd be the exact same but I really do think its wrong to ask or to even assume a person was going to give a gift at all. You are inviting them to join you on your special day, it costs a fortune even to attend a wedding these days but let's be fair of course the vast majority wouldn't dream of coming empty handed but it would put you in a very greedy light to even make mention of money or gifts.

January

Ms2011 wrote: »

I haven't been on holiday since 2009 & everyone that knows us knows that.
I'm having the wedding I can afford, it's not huge but I can afford it & have saved hard for it along with some savings which are maturing in Sept.
What a disgusting, shallow post!!!!

It's not a disgusting shallow post. I haven't been away since 2006 but there's no way I'll be asking anybody for money as a gift at my wedding. They can give what they want, even if that means them giving nothing at all.

Nobody will be fielding questions, if anybody asks my parents they'll say they haven't a clue.

Asking for money is tacky, whatever way you look at it. Asking for money with the invitations is the tackiest of them all.

Jerrica

OP my brother and his wife has a little rhyme or note or something along those lines with their invite saying that as they had their own house and their own belongings they didn't need gifts and money would be preferable. I didn't bat an eyelid at it at all, it certainly wasn't a case of them throwing a party they couldn't afford, it was a gorgeous DIY affair and one of the happiest days I've ever been at.

But it appears that a lot of people would be sensitive to it, so as pwurple said letting your parents know is most likely the most appropriate way of doing it. Your peers will probably give you cash anyway, and any aunties or family members who are determined to give you a household item or the like will do so regardless.

My Mum has been asked lots of times about what we'd like, and the feedback I got was that the older generation really isn't massively comfortable with giving cash, so we've got a gift list for those people. Ultimately it's things we'd be buying ourselves anyway. So just keep in mind that cash may not be the preferred choice at all for some older folk.

cookiecakes

Oh please don't do the poem. We got an invitation last year to a family wedding with one and it was so cringey. I know the older members of the family were really annoyed about it whereas most of the young ones just thought it seemed so scabby. We're getting married this year and wouldn't dream of mentioning anything about presents or money. If people would like to give us something, they are more than welcome but we're certainly not going to put it out there that it's expected.

Ms2011

January wrote: »

It's not a disgusting shallow post. I haven't been away since 2006 but there's no way I'll be asking anybody for money as a gift at my wedding. They can give what they want, even if that means them giving nothing at all.

Nobody will be fielding questions, if anybody asks my parents they'll say they haven't a clue.

Asking for money is tacky, whatever way you look at it. Asking for money with the invitations is the tackiest of them all.

I never solicited the money, I was asked what I'd like, a gift or money, I chose money to go towards my honeymoon. I personally would rather be asked for money than to be racking my brain trying to think of a present.

And yes imo it is disgusting & shallow to say someone shouldn't have a wedding just because they couldn't afford to go away for years.

lazygal

Ms2011 wrote: »

I never solicited the money, I was asked what I'd like, a gift or money, I chose money to go towards my honeymoon. I personally would rather be asked for money than to be racking my brain trying to think of a present.

And yes imo it is disgusting & shallow to say someone shouldn't have a wedding just because they couldn't afford to go away for years.

I didn't say you shouldn't have a wedding, I meant you shouldn't be asking people you invite to a social occasion for money for things you can't afford, whether its wedding related or not. If someone asked what we wanted we said gifts weren't necessary, and we meant it. How is that shallow, to say you have what's in your budget without telling people you want money?

Ms2011

lazygal wrote: »

I didn't say you shouldn't have a wedding, I meant you shouldn't be asking people you invite to a social occasion for money for things you can't afford, whether its wedding related or not. If someone asked what we wanted we said gifts weren't necessary, and we meant it. How is that shallow, to say you have what's in your budget without telling people you want money?

Well what you meant & what you said are two different things i.e. if you're too skint to go on holidays you can't afford to get married is v.shallow.

lazygal

Ms2011 wrote: »

Well what you meant & what you said are two different things i.e. if you're too skint to go on holidays you can't afford to get married is v.shallow.

How is it shallow? If you can't afford a honeymoon and ask people for money for it because they're coming to your wedding, that's pretty shallow in my book. We didn't tell people to fund our choices by giving us money when we got married.

Ms2011

lazygal wrote: »

How is it shallow?

It's shallow because you assume because holidays are a priority to you that they are for everyone.
Who said I was too skint to go away for the past few years, maybe I just had different priorities in my life, maybe I wasn't well or a family member wasn't or I was too busy at work, you just assume a person must be broke.

Ms2011

lazygal wrote: »

How is it shallow? If you can't afford a honeymoon and ask people for money for it because they're coming to your wedding, that's pretty shallow in my book. We didn't tell people to fund our choices by giving us money when we got married.

Nor did I, they asked. When I said I wanted nothing I was met with rolled eyes.
Some people like to be told what to get.

lazygal

Ms2011 wrote: »

It's shallow because you assume because holidays are a priority to you that they are for everyone.
Who said I was too skint to go away for the past few years, maybe I just had different priorities in my life, maybe I wasn't well or a family member wasn't or I was too busy at work, you just assume a person must be broke.

No, I assume nothing. But if someone asks me for money to pay for their honeymoon, I'm going to think they should pay for their holidays themselves.
Holidays are something we have if we can afford them, like anything else in life.

Ms2011

lazygal wrote: »

No, I assume nothing. But if someone asks me for money to pay for their honeymoon, I'm going to think they should pay for their holidays themselves.
Holidays are something we have if we can afford them, like anything else in life.

Not always as per the examples I've given.

Electric Sheep

Ms2011 wrote: »

I haven't been on holiday since 2009 & everyone that knows us knows that.

That is not your guests' problem.

Ms2011

Electric Sheep wrote: »

That is not your guests' problem.

I never said it was???

lazygal

Ms2011 wrote: »

Not always as per the examples I've given.

Okay. You still asked your wedding guests for money for your honeymoon, and said you hadn't been away since 2009. Why did you specify money for the honeymoon?

Ms2011

lazygal wrote: »

Okay. You still asked your wedding guests for money for your honeymoon, and said you hadn't been away since 2009. Why did you specify money for the honeymoon?

I thought they'd like to know where the money was going & how much we appreciated it as we hadn't been away in so long.

lazygal

Ms2011 wrote: »

I thought they'd like to know where the money was going & how much we appreciated it as we hadn't been away in so long.

I thought you asked for money for a honeymoon, not that you requested money and told them afterwards where it was going? Either way, asking for money isn't not being shallow. Its asking others to pay for your choices.

Ms2011

lazygal wrote: »

I thought you asked for money for a honeymoon, not that you requested money and told them afterwards where it was going? Either way, asking for money isn't not being shallow. Its asking others to pay for your choices.

Is not asking if it's offered as a gift, like I said I never solicited it.

April O Neill

Supraman wrote: »

Money is the done thing these days . Most will give it . You'll get presents off those that don't want to part with cash and would prefer to recycle presents they have been given as house warning presents etc. Be prepared for lots of glass , be it vases or wine glasses etc.

Thankfully the wheel is always turning toward their big day ..

And maybe they won't care if they receive recycled gifts!

They'll have parted with plenty of cash to attend. How stingy of them.

Electric Sheep

April O Neill wrote: »

And maybe they won't care if they receive recycled gifts!

They'll have parted with plenty of cash to attend. How stingy of them.

The gimme money brigade will probably uninvite anyone who sends a gift in advance that is not cash. Not going to pay for your dinner if you won't help pay for my honeymoon...

Tigger

Donno why people get soo worked up over this
But they do so just get what you are given

Babooshka

Tigger wrote: »

Donno why people get soo worked up over this
But they do so just get what you are given

It's the usual outrage at someone for not being just like them you find all over these boards

I wouldn't ask for money at all. But I have asked my parent if anyone asks, that we are living in rented furnished accommodation with everything we own instorage, as this is the truth, and that a small cash contribution /voucher/anything not going to take up room is preferable. If we still get presents of vases, glassware, desk fans (another thread entirely) or lawnmowers, when we don't have a lawn....hey, bring it on. I am getting married and I'm really excited, anything after that is a bonus!

There's always outrage when this question is asked and mainly by people who aren't married. When/if they ever do decide or organise a wedding, they will understand why it isn't a punishable offence to secretly hope (hope, not expect) to get some cash gifts...it's really ok!!

To ask for money is tacky, to expect it is greedy. why should you expect your guests to fund your wedding? and yes i am married and was extremely humbled by the generosity of my guests and i love every gift i received.

Yes i have plenty of glasses and frames, etc, and when i see them i am reminded that they were gifts to mark my wedding and i think they are special. I would never "recycle" them, that is so ungrateful.

you are better off not mentioning that you want cash, a lot of people will think you are money grabbing and do you want your wedding to be remembered in that light? as for those"rhymes" - oh jesus pass the bucket.

Babooshka

Deleted User wrote: »

To ask for money is tacky, to expect it is greedy. why should you expect your guests to fund your wedding?.

Stating the obvious really. What is it to hope for money then? I'd say it's honest, myself. How very dare people actually hope for some help at the start of their married life!! Why are you so outraged about it? Ok so you didn't want money, that's perfectly fine. It's also perfectly fine for someone else to admit that they would like some. Where's the problem with that?

It's a self esteem issue as far as I'm concerned. I repeat, it's ok to want money as a gift. Not to expect it, or any guests to fork out for your wedding...that's not really a nice gesture at all. But I do not think you're speaking for the majority of people when you make that statement...most people have their weddings paid for by the time they come around. If they don't it's their own business but what is with the disgust and looking down at people who say they'd prefer money. Did you return any cash gifts you were offered because it went against your principles?

XxMCRxBabyxX

I don't see anything wrong with wanting money as a present, and I doubt others would, that isn't what is being said here, but there is something wrong with expecting it and especially asking for it.

pwurple

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes i have plenty of glasses and frames, etc, and when i see them i am reminded that they were gifts to mark my wedding and i think they are special. I would never "recycle" them, that is so ungrateful.

Ah come on now, we don't all live in mansions which we can stuff full of sentimental things we don't need or use.

People gave us some beautiful glasses, but honestly, we really didn't need 48 waterford crystal wine glasses. We have absolutely nowhere to store them for a start. Most people had included receipts, so I returned them and exchanged for some pots, or something we do use.

I don't think that's "so ungrateful". I think that's just being practical.

Babooshka

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I don't see anything wrong with wanting money as a present, and I doubt others would, that isn't what is being said here, but there is something wrong with expecting it and especially asking for it.

I agree that asking for money is tacky. Expecting it is not something I think anyone does and is an argument bandied around by people about couples getting married since the urban myth that people put “cash gifts only” on their wedding invites which I doubt ever happened. No one expects money, but they might hope for money. I agree that asking outright for money is not in good taste and would never do it.


But if the people who care about me take the time to contact me or my kin and ask what would we like....do you think it’s better to lie and say “anything you want to give us” out of shame that people discover I would like some money...or actually man up and admit that yes, some money would help more than a beautiful engraved sherry decanter (example!) that will never be used ? Cos there's no shame in it.

pwurple wrote: »

Ah come on now, we don't all live in mansions which we can stuff full of sentimental things we don't need or use.

People gave us some beautiful glasses, but honestly, we really didn't need 48 waterford crystal wine glasses. We have absolutely nowhere to store them for a start. Most people had included receipts, so I returned them and exchanged for some pots, or something we do use.

I don't think that's "so ungrateful". I think that's just being practical.

Thank you for your honesty, that is exactly what I am talking about. But to some people's thinking that is incredibly ungrateful and you should have kept them (where?) I'm with you, practicality every time.

XxMCRxBabyxX

Babooshka wrote: »

I agree that asking for money is tacky. Expecting it is not something I think anyone does and is an argument bandied around by people about couples getting married since the urban myth that people put “cash gifts only” on their wedding invites which I doubt ever happened. No one expects money, but they might hope for money. I agree that asking outright for money is not in good taste and would never do it.

I used to believe it was a myth too until an invitation arrived in my house saying exactly that!

pwurple

pwurple wrote: »

Ah come on now, we don't all live in mansions which we can stuff full of sentimental things we don't need or use.

People gave us some beautiful glasses, but honestly, we really didn't need 48 waterford crystal wine glasses. We have absolutely nowhere to store them for a start. Most people had included receipts, so I returned them and exchanged for some pots, or something we do use.

I don't think that's "so ungrateful". I think that's just being practical.

FYI i live in a two bedroom bungalow, and i was raised in a household that didnt worship materialism, its not my fault that i have a different level of appreciation for what you consider useless gifts than you do

Babooshka

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I used to believe it was a myth too until an invitation arrived in my house saying exactly that!

Really? God, that is truly awful. From someone you're related to or a friend? Hopefully the latter so you could sever your ties there and then. That's sickening and I stand corrected obviously some horrible people do expect (demand) money then!

Dolbert

OP you don't need to say anything as most people will give cash nowadays. We were delighted with whatever people gave, whether it was a card, a favour, a gift or cash. In the end the vast majority gave cash even though we didn't have any preference.

pwurple

Deleted User wrote: »

FYI i live in a two bedroom bungalow, and i was raised in a household that didnt worship materialism, its not my fault that i have a different level of appreciation for what you consider useless gifts than you do

Excuse me? Keeping piles of dust collectors in a tiny house is pure materialism.

Babooshka

Deleted User wrote: »

FYI i live in a two bedroom bungalow, and i was raised in a household that didnt worship materialism, its not my fault that i have a different level of appreciation for what you consider useless gifts than you do

I'm sure pwurple will answer you back themselves, but I have to say, I think you're confusing the argument here. They said that they didn't have the space or the need for the gift, and while they appreciated how beautiful the gift was, it was impractical to keep them with nowehere to put them,and luckily they could exchange them for pots, which they were then happy with. There is nothing unappreciative about that. I do find the tone of your posts so far to be very dismissive of other people's feelings.


PS I have no connection to pwurple and don't know who they are!

XxMCRxBabyxX

Babooshka wrote: »

Really? God, that is truly awful. From someone you're related to or a friend? Hopefully the latter so you could sever your ties there and then. That's sickening and I stand corrected obviously some horrible people do expect (demand) money then!

It was an odd one - a wedding abroad of the daughter of old friends of my parents. I don't know if they even knew the daughter well. They certainly hadn't seen her in a long time.

pwurple

Babooshka wrote: »

I'm sure pwurple will answer you back themselves, but I have to say, I think you're confusing the argument here. They said that they didn't have the space or the need for the gift, and while they appreciated how beautiful the gift was, it was impractical to keep them with nowehere to put them,and luckily they could exchange them for pots, which they were then happy with. There is nothing unappreciative about that. I do find the tone of your posts so far to be very dismissive of other people's feelings.

Much more political response than mine.

I think people's personality types come into play. I'm not a hoarder, my husband is. He will keep every little knick-knack and thing going, where I like the house to be clean, dust-free and clutter-free.

Trinkets are my kryponite.

Babooshka

pwurple wrote: »

Much more political response than mine.

I think people's personality types come into play. I'm not a hoarder, my husband is. He will keep every little knick-knack and thing going, where I like the house to be clean, dust-free and clutter-free.

Trinkets are my kryponite.

Mine too, I don't like "ornaments" as my Mother used to call hers. And there's no accounting for tastes. There will always be these extreme views at either end of the scale. I just think there are two different arguments that keep crossing over. I didn't realise until MCR Baby put me straight there, but there are such people existing in the world who demand and actually ask all their guests to provide cash which I don't like and think is wrong.

Those are one set of people, the greedy and horrible people with expectations. Then there are honest, good people, who, if asked by a family member, will say "well actually, as you're asking, some cash and or vouchers in any amount you can give and we would be eternally grateful, thank you so much for asking, as we have everything we need materially and don't have space for anything else, is this ok?." And I think people bunch the two types in together and tar everyone with the greedy brush.

pwurple

pwurple wrote: »

Much more political response than mine.

I think people's personality types come into play. I'm not a hoarder, my husband is. He will keep every little knick-knack and thing going, where I like the house to be clean, dust-free and clutter-free.

Trinkets are my kryponite.

im not a hoader either and im quite insulted that you insinuate that i am and my gratefully received gifts are "knick knacks" nothing "gathers dust" i respect my wedding gifts and make use if them as much as i can, my house is " clean, dust free and clutter free" just because i appreciate my gifts does not make my house a hovel and as i said im insulted at the suggestion that it does. i appreciate my gifts because they were given to me by people who could barely afford to purchase them.

pwurple

Deleted User wrote: »

im not a hoader either and im quite insulted that you insinuate that i am and my gratefully received gifts are "knick knacks" nothing "gathers dust" i respect my wedding gifts and make use if them as much as i can, my house is " clean, dust free and clutter free" just because i appreciate my gifts does not make my house a hovel and as i said im insulted at the suggestion that it does. i appreciate my gifts because they were given to me by people who could barely afford to purchase them.

Picture frames and vases are dust gatherers to me. They are simply things to look at. You can appreciate the gift all you want, but keeping them if they don't suit your house or life is utterly ridiculous to me. I don't think the thought of a gift is any less appreciated if the person has enough confidence to swap it for something more suitable, rather than staring at something out of place, or worse, sticking it in the attic.

I always give gift receipts for that reason.

And when you go around calling people materialistic (for NOT placing value on expensive knick knacks on shelves???) , you can expect to get a response in kind. If you can't take it, don't give it out.