Is it ok that my partner got a lap dance?

--PEG--

My boyfriend (of 6 years) was at a friends stags recently and there was a lot of joking about strip clubs and I never lay down the law and said you better not get a lap dance because I presumed he had more respect for our relationship and wouldn't even go there. I didn't have a problem with him going to the strip club but would have thought it was a no-brainer that he would just let the single lads get the lap dance.

When he got back I was asking him how the weekend went and he proceeded to tell me about trivial things, then I said what about the strip clubs, who got a lap dance and he said all of them did but 2. My heart broke, I couldn’t believe he did it. Talk about a naïve gf.

I know its not cheating but IMO it’s as good as. Some hot girl, gyrating all over my boyfriend, touching him and exciting him and who knows how skanky this place was she probably let him touch her too. I felt sick, I still do.

Am I right or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

blatantrereg

I wouldn't think it's ok no. Your bf appears to think it is though. He also didn't conceal it from you.
Never been to a lapdancing club but afaik they are usually pretty strict about the guy not touching the dancer.

sbsquarepants

I probably wouldn't go myself, have done before but i wouldn't now (more because it's a collosal waste of money than cheating though). But before you go mad ask yourself this - would you and your friends go see the chippendales or some group of male strippers? From anything i've seen women are far more touchy feely than men are at events like this.

Honey-ec

blatantrereg wrote: »

Never been to a lapdancing club but afaik they are usually pretty strict about the guy not touching the dancer.

I've been to a couple and it very much depends on the club, but even if they don't allow the guy to touch the dancer, the dancer will very much be touching the guy. Whether or not someone has a problem with a naked woman rubbing her genitals & breasts in her boyfriend's face and crotch is very much a personal issue, but it certainly wouldn't sit right with me.

OP, my ex was going on a stag a few years back and asked would I have a problem with him getting a lap dance. I straight out told him that yes, I did, but I wasn't going to forbid it - it's his choice, at the end of the day. Initially, he was kind of surprised that I did have an issue with it, as he knew I'd been in strip clubs myself before we got together. All I said to him was to think for a second how he'd feel if I went to a strip club and had a complete stranger rub his c0ck all over me. He just went deathly quiet, and then went "Yeah, point taken."

I know the "cool girlfriend" thing to do is pretend it's all just a bit of fun, but at the end of the day, if you have an issue with it, that's all that matters. What's done is done now, you can't change that, but you can certainly explain to your boyfriend that you're surprised and hurt by it, and ask him to bear that in mind in the future.

miamee

--PEG-- wrote: »

Some hot girl, gyrating all over my boyfriend, touching him and exciting him and who knows how skanky this place was she probably let him touch her too. I felt sick, I still do.

Am I right or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

OP, why don't you ask him about it? What she did, how close she was dancing etc? It's quite likely a lot less worrying than you are imagining without knowing the facts. As blatantrereg has said, I highly doubt there was any touching.

While it's not nice to think of, it was a stag party and they were all doing it (bar two of them) together, in front of each other. They were probably egging each other on.

You are right to be upset about it but at the same time, you say you never asked him not to do it; he possibly thought you'd be ok with it as part of a stag weekend. He obviously thought little enough of the dance to tell you about it as part of the weekend anyway. I think if you ask him more about it, it might put your mind at ease.

--PEG--

I'm thinking he didnt conceal it because I never said "Dont Do It" but I just presumed that was a given.. I bet he's sorry he said it to me now. But there have been a number of stags in the years we've been together so of course I asked how many has he got since we've been together and the answer is that was the only one. I just cant get the image out of my head. And imagine the banter between them all after it. Oh did you see the **** on the one I had bla bla.. I feel sick thinking about it. I havent said it to anyone else because Im embarrassed that my lovely bf did that to me, that's why I'm seeking advice here.

Thanks for your reply.

--PEG--

I wasnt trying to be the cool gf at all, hes actually quite shy, I didnt think it was going to be an issue. I knew obviously as part of the stags there would be strip clubs involved but I presumed (like his 2 friends who had no prob NOT getting a dance) that he would have more respect for our relationship than to get one. I asked him what she was like & what she was doing and he just shut down because the minute he said that he got one, I said your a Pr**k I cant believe you did that to me. So I dont think i'll be getting any more info out of him. He has apologised but Im so sad over the whole thing.

Its more than just the fact that he did it, its changed my whole perception of him, I actually didnt even consider him getting one and how id feel so that's why it was such a shock.

strobe

Whether or not it's ok to other people doesn't really matter. What matters is whether or not it's ok to you.

But you've let him know it's not. You said he's a lovely bf so presumably he wouldn't do it in future. He didn't deliberately set out to do something that would upset you. He didn't try to hide anything from you so must have just presumed if you had no problem with him heading to strip clubs on stags, you would have no problem with this.

Honestly I think you're making a far bigger deal out of it than it is at this point. You've let your feelings on it be known, he's appologised, so I'd put it behind you and get over it.

--PEG--

strobe wrote: »

Whether or not it's ok to other people doesn't really matter. What matters is whether or not it's ok to you.

But you've let him know it's not. You said he's a lovely bf so presumably he wouldn't do it in future. He didn't deliberately set out to do something that would upset you. He didn't try to hide anything from you so must have just presumed if you had no problem with him heading to strip clubs on stags, you would have no problem with this.

Honestly I think you're making a far bigger deal out of it than it is at this point. You've let your feelings on it be known, he's appologised, so I'd put it behind you and get over it.

I really want to and I hope i can.. Its just not happening at the minute

ShaShaBear

To be honest, when there is a stag do, and your partner doesn't vocalise that she is completely against lapdances, I imagine a man would assume that means she is not completely against lapdances. I mean, if you feel so strongly about them, why would you "assume it is a given". He's not a bloody mind-reader - he's a human being, off to have a bit of fun with his mates before one of them gets married. The two lads that didn't get one might not have felt comfortable, or maybe they simply couldn't afford it.

You are well within your rights to have issue with your partner receiving a lapdance, but IMO you have no right to treat him like this (especially if he is so lovely, and was nice enough to be honest with you) over him not managing to telepathically realise that you would go mental over some woman in a business setting wobbling her boobs in his face. What happens at a stag stays there, and chances are had he realised you hated them so much, or felt they were so "skanky", he wouldn't have told you, and you would never have known. But now he does. And now he probably feels awful for doing something you had no obvious issue with until he honestly admitted to doing it.

LegacyUser

Op, I think this is definitely a grey area. From ex-s I have had in the past I know some would have reacted like you, some indifferent to it and some I'm not sure.

He obviously wasn't sure and didn't think it was a big deal. Lap dances are a waste of money, a bit pathetic, but are part and parcel of many stag weekends. Most lads I know are pretty indifferent to them and if they knew their gf had a big problem with it, they wouldn't do it.

You've told him you're mad, he has said sorry and presumably won't do it again. He felt secure enough with you to be honest about it, so I think it is time to move on before he starts to wonder that you making such a big deal out of it is a sign of a bigger problem in the relationship.

ShowMeTheCash

Hey, just wanted to add to this.
So I have been on a number of stag do's usual carry on lapdances and strip bars, jegar bombs and downed pints!
I personnaly would not get too worked up about it.

A lapdance is not intimate, its a business, for the lads its all about bravado and having laugh which holds no real substance of any kind, and I am sure for the stripper he was just another punter to fleece..

I understand that no woman wants to visualise this kind of thing, but its not real, its a show!

I think you are getting worked up over very little or at least something with no substance...

I would worry more about a flirty exchange with a collegue more than a 5 minute dance at a club..

It was brave of him to tell you as by the sounds of it he probably should have kept it to himself. As it really has not made you trust him more if anything it has had the opposite effect.

From a mans point of view I am sure it was nothing I have never came away from one with anything more than a sore wallet, also I just want to say that comradery is a complicated thing, there is a certain amount of pressure to be "one of the lads" especially on stag do's, usually the friends you go with on these nights-out will pre-date any girlfriends, people who knew you as a kid or at school... A lot of men will change somewhat to fit to what their partner wants, because they love them, but to other men they still want to beat their chest and demonstrate they are still men!

Just something to think about "don't let nothing destroy something".

All the best!

Frank Lee Midere

Pretty hard for a shy guy to say no if everybody is getting a dance.

strobe

--PEG-- wrote: »

I really want to and I hope i can.. Its just not happening at the minute

Maybe try to verbalise here what specifically your issue(s) with what he did is?

Do you feel there was a violation of trust? Are you thinking "well if he'd do this, he might cheat"?
If that's the issue, honestly I don't think there is an issue. The fact that he was honest with you straight away shows that he wasn't willfully betraying your trust or doing anything behind your back, or that he ever would. If anything it'd indicate the opposite.

Is it just that you are just having a hard time with the thought of another woman being somewhat sexual with him?
If that's the issue, well how do you deal with the fact that he would have actually had sex with other women before you?

Is it that another woman could be capable of turning him on, or that he could be attracted to another woman?
Well, that would just make him a human being. Presumably you are already aware that all people continue to find people apart from their partner sexually attractive. Presumably you do to. But that doesn't mean they don't also find their partner sexually attractive or find their partner the most sexually attractive, or mean that they have any interest whatsoever in actually doing anything with anyone else.

Is it something else entirely?

--PEG--

ShaShaBear wrote: »

To be honest, when there is a stag do, and your partner doesn't vocalise that she is completely against lapdances, I imagine a man would assume that means she is not completely against lapdances. I mean, if you feel so strongly about them, why would you "assume it is a given". He's not a bloody mind-reader - he's a human being, off to have a bit of fun with his mates before one of them gets married. The two lads that didn't get one might not have felt comfortable, or maybe they simply couldn't afford it.

You are well within your rights to have issue with your partner receiving a lapdance, but IMO you have no right to treat him like this (especially if he is so lovely, and was nice enough to be honest with you) over him not managing to telepathically realise that you would go mental over some woman in a business setting wobbling her boobs in his face. What happens at a stag stays there, and chances are had he realised you hated them so much, or felt they were so "skanky", he wouldn't have told you, and you would never have known. But now he does. And now he probably feels awful for doing something you had no obvious issue with until he honestly admitted to doing it.

I didnt think it had to be said thats my whole point, I wasnt expecting him to be a mind reader because it wasnt in my mind that he would do it. Its not as if we sat down and said so how many strippers are you blow your money on the weekend, it wasnt like that at all. It was just a complete shock when he said that he did.

I dont really think someone with a partner would have to be telepathically or otherwise told that its disrespectful to their partner for someone to be wobbling her boobs in his face, as you put it.

Like you said he knows now, just a pity it ruined my birthday..

ShaShaBear

--PEG-- wrote: »

I didnt think it had to be said thats my whole point, I wasnt expecting him to be a mind reader because it wasnt in my mind that he would do it. Its not as if we sat down and said so how many strippers are you blow your money on the weekend, it wasnt like that at all. It was just a complete shock when he said that he did.

I dont really think someone with a partner would have to be telepathically or otherwise told that its disrespectful to their partner for someone to be wobbling her boobs in his face, as you put it.

Like you said he knows now, just a pity it ruined my birthday..

That's sort of nonsense. He was going to a strip club and you thought he'd assume to avoid the reason he was going in the first place? It's no different than going to McDonald's and not eating anything on their menu. A strip club without strippers is just an expensive nightclub. Would you get worked up if he had been sitting there with a semi all night staring at all the half naked women walking about? Because chances are that he did. As any man would. Fact is that if you have a problem with what goes on in a strip club, you have a problem with strip clubs.

I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe that you thought he was going to a strip club to have a couple of severely over-priced beverages and then head home.

--PEG--

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Hey, just wanted to add to this.
So I have been on a number of stag do's usual carry on lapdances and strip bars, jegar bombs and downed pints!
I personnaly would not get too worked up about it.

A lapdance is not intimate, its a business, for the lads its all about bravado and having laugh which holds no real substance of any kind, and I am sure for the stripper he was just another punter to fleece..

I understand that no woman wants to visualise this kind of thing, but its not real, its a show!

I think you are getting worked up over very little or at least something with no substance...

I would worry more about a flirty exchange with a collegue more than a 5 minute dance at a club..

It was brave of him to tell you as by the sounds of it he probably should have kept it to himself. As it really has not made you trust him more if anything it has had the opposite effect.

From a mans point of view I am sure it was nothing I have never came away from one with anything more than a sore wallet, also I just want to say that comradery is a complicated thing, there is a certain amount of pressure to be "one of the lads" especially on stag do's, usually the friends you go with on these nights-out will pre-date any girlfriends, people who knew you as a kid or at school... A lot of men will change somewhat to fit to what their partner wants, because they love them, but to other men they still want to beat their chest and demonstrate they are still men!

Just something to think about "don't let nothing destroy something".

All the best!

Thanks

Frank Lee Midere

OP imagine this scenario.

There is a hen party.
You go. You don't know everybody. It's a loud group.
You go see the Chipendales and all of the hen party are getting a dance while the rest of the group cheers her on.
The chipendale stripper is making his way to your seat. Do you...

1) push him away to jeers.
2) do nothing and let it happen
3) storm out.

He did 2). Probably.

It's probably peer pressure. If he liked lap dances he'd go on his own.

--PEG--

strobe wrote: »

Maybe try to verbalise here what specifically your issue(s) with what he did is?

Do you feel there was a violation of trust? Are you thinking "well if he'd do this, he might cheat"?
If that's the issue, honestly I don't think there is an issue. The fact that he was honest with you straight away shows that he wasn't willfully betraying your trust or doing anything behind your back, or that he ever would. If anything it'd indicate the opposite.

Is it just that you are just having a hard time with the thought of another woman being somewhat sexual with him?
If that's the issue, well how do you deal with the fact that he would have actually had sex with other women before you?

Is it that another woman could be capable of turning him on, or that he could be attracted to another woman?
Well, that would just make him a human being. Presumably you are already aware that all people continue to find people apart from their partner sexually attractive. Presumably you do to. But that doesn't mean they don't also find their partner sexually attractive or find their partner the most sexually attractive, or mean that they have any interest whatsoever in actually doing anything with anyone else.

Is it something else entirely?

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

Typer Monkey

--PEG-- wrote: »

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

No actually he/she is suggesting that you reason out your upset in order to try and get past it.

Or did you just want people to agree with you and say how disgusting it is and you were dead right to fly off the handle and call him a prick?

strobe

--PEG-- wrote: »

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

Whoa... I'm doing no such thing. I'm just trying to help you figure out yourself why a minor enough thing has had such a huge impact on you, so you might be able to move past and get over it like you said you wanted to.

What's the difference in your mind between him letting a stripper 'gyrate all over him' (the thing you have a problem with) and him letting a stripper gyrate at him but not quite all over him (the thing you had no problem with).

--PEG--

ShaShaBear wrote: »

That's sort of nonsense. He was going to a strip club and you thought he'd assume to avoid the reason he was going in the first place? It's no different than going to McDonald's and not eating anything on their menu. A strip club without strippers is just an expensive nightclub. Would you get worked up if he had been sitting there with a semi all night staring at all the half naked women walking about? Because chances are that he did. As any man would. Fact is that if you have a problem with what goes on in a strip club, you have a problem with strip clubs.

I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe that you thought he was going to a strip club to have a couple of severely over-priced beverages and then head home.

Why would that be so hard to believe, if that's where the stag party are going then that's where he's going. It wasnt so hard for the other 2 lads to not get a dance, they enjoyed their severely over-priced beverages and then headed off where the crowd were going. And its not cause they couldnt afford it.

You can give me stick all you like but I actually love my bf my very much and this is something that really hurt me, if your in a relationship just think about it. You obviously wouldn't give a rats if someone was giving it loads with your partner, maybe im just a softie and should toughen up.

Thanks for your comments.

Big Bag of Chips

If he's normally as shy as you say, then it was probably easier to let it happen than to go against the majority..

I'd imagine 90% (completely made up statistic.. but just a guess) of fellas are more awkward and embarrassed during a lap dance, than are enjoying it and looking for more.

desbrook

Often heard it said that poor communication is at the root of 90 odd percent of couple disputes . Another a known fact is that many guys (me included ) are brutal at hints and intuiton . We find it really infuriating that partners seemingly expect us to know stuff automatically . It feels like you set traps for us, preying on our weakness . He felt that saying he was going to that place was also telling you he would be getting a lapdance . You really should have told him and clearly your feelings but he should have been explicit about getting a dance .

All that aside I have to wonder how you could be with someone for six years and not know his view on lapdancing clubs/strippers etc and he yours ! do you never discuss this stuff ?? I've been with my gf for a little over a year and she knows my view and I hers on this . The point is its come up a few times in conversations and casual ones not big heavy "where do you stand on such and such ?"a stuff .

You guys need to say what you mean as well as mean what you say .

miamee

--PEG-- wrote: »

Why would that be so hard to believe, if that's where the stag party are going then that's where he's going. It wasnt so hard for the other 2 lads to not get a dance, they enjoyed their severely over-priced beverages and then headed off where the crowd were going. And its not cause they couldnt afford it.

You can give me stick all you like but I actually love my bf my very much and this is something that really hurt me, if your in a relationship just think about it. You obviously wouldn't give a rats if someone was giving it loads with your partner, maybe im just a softie and should toughen up.

Thanks for your comments.

Is it possible that the girlfriends of the other two spoke to them beforehand? "Look I know you are going to a strip club on the stag and that's fine but I'd rather if you didn't get a lapdance".
I think it's a case of miscommunication before the weekend.
He never expressly said he was going to have a lap dance and you never expressly asked him not to. You both assumed you knew how the other would feel/act but you were both wrong.
If he is as lovely as you have said, I'm sure he is sorry he got the lapdance and for upsetting you.

--PEG--

strobe wrote: »

Whoa... I'm doing no such thing. I'm just trying to help you figure out yourself why a minor enough thing has had such a huge impact on you, so you might be able to move past and get over it like you said you wanted to.

What's the difference in your mind between him letting a stripper 'gyrate all over him' (the thing you have a problem with) and him letting a stripper gyrate at him but not quite all over him (the thing you had no problem with).

I had no problem with him going because I presumed as he was taken he wouldn't be having the strippers gyrating at him/over him, there were enough single lads at it to let them carry on and he just have a buzz with the rest. Like I said earlier I was a naive gf, I know better now.

Thanks for your comments.

Frank Lee Midere

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If he's normally as shy as you say, then it was probably easier to let it happen than to go against the majority..

I'd imagine 90% (completely made up statistic.. but just a guess) of fellas are more awkward and embarrassed during a lap dance, than are enjoying it and looking for more.

Yes. As I said if he liked them he would go on his own.

I've only gotten lap dances in groups. I don't like them but I don't like large groups either. When someone you know is getting married you have to follow the crowd.

ShowMeTheCash

--PEG-- wrote: »

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

I would say he probably wouldn't... Dancing with a stranger in the club might get his attention, grinding on a stranger might get you dumped finding out on a hen that a male stripper gave you a lapdance I doubt would cause most men any real concern!

Let's put it this way, if he didn't participate you may have had a bigger issue :eek:

Floppybits

--PEG-- wrote: »

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

OP, did he buy the dance himself or did the lads buy the dance for him? I have been on stag weekends where I have seen lads buying lapdances for other lads because those lads are not interested and its a laugh. I was even on one where the lads were buying lap dances for the gay lad on the stag for the laugh. I was on another stag where I the stag and his father got lapdances beside each other because the lads bought the lap dances and thought it would be funny. It was the most cringe worthy thing I have ever seen and I hope to never see again.

I have had it done to me because the lads knew that I dont like these clubs because they are boring and fake. I mean whats the point in the wasting your money on some girl that you can touch, has no interest in you other than your money.

Speak with your boyfriend about it and then try get over it if you can.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know you are upset, but I think, as many other posters have suggested, this is a matter of bad communication. Ok, you didn't tell him not to, you assumed he wouldn't. That in itself, to me, isn't where the lack of communication comes into it.

The bad communication is happening NOW.

I know if my husband came back from a,stag night, or me from a hen night, with a similar story we would probably be mortified for each other! I trust him 100%.I don't feel he would ever cheat on me. And I know him. So I know sitting down, handing over money and having some young one wobble all over him would be his idea of a nightmare.

I know I have been on nights out where strippers have turned up, and to be honest, for everyone else its a great laugh, for the subject, who is getting all the attention, it is nothing but embarrassing.

You are angry with him. You called him a prick, but did you listen to him? Did you ask him how it came about, and how he felt? If my husband come home with that story I think I'd be curious rather than pissed off. Purely because I know the type of person my husband is. I get the impression your fella isn't a bad fella. He's not sleazy or out flirting every weekend..

Yes, you're upset. But my guess is so is he.

--PEG--

Thanks to everyone for your comments I think we have a lot to talk about this evening.

To anyone who's going on a stags anytime soon, please have the 'chat' with your partner so she doesn't wind up feeling let down because she presumed you wouldn't join the single lads and get a lap dance.