Is it ok that my partner got a lap dance?

--PEG--

My boyfriend (of 6 years) was at a friends stags recently and there was a lot of joking about strip clubs and I never lay down the law and said you better not get a lap dance because I presumed he had more respect for our relationship and wouldn't even go there. I didn't have a problem with him going to the strip club but would have thought it was a no-brainer that he would just let the single lads get the lap dance.

When he got back I was asking him how the weekend went and he proceeded to tell me about trivial things, then I said what about the strip clubs, who got a lap dance and he said all of them did but 2. My heart broke, I couldn’t believe he did it. Talk about a naïve gf.

I know its not cheating but IMO it’s as good as. Some hot girl, gyrating all over my boyfriend, touching him and exciting him and who knows how skanky this place was she probably let him touch her too. I felt sick, I still do.

Am I right or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

blatantrereg

I wouldn't think it's ok no. Your bf appears to think it is though. He also didn't conceal it from you.
Never been to a lapdancing club but afaik they are usually pretty strict about the guy not touching the dancer.

sbsquarepants

I probably wouldn't go myself, have done before but i wouldn't now (more because it's a collosal waste of money than cheating though). But before you go mad ask yourself this - would you and your friends go see the chippendales or some group of male strippers? From anything i've seen women are far more touchy feely than men are at events like this.

Honey-ec

blatantrereg wrote: »

Never been to a lapdancing club but afaik they are usually pretty strict about the guy not touching the dancer.

I've been to a couple and it very much depends on the club, but even if they don't allow the guy to touch the dancer, the dancer will very much be touching the guy. Whether or not someone has a problem with a naked woman rubbing her genitals & breasts in her boyfriend's face and crotch is very much a personal issue, but it certainly wouldn't sit right with me.

OP, my ex was going on a stag a few years back and asked would I have a problem with him getting a lap dance. I straight out told him that yes, I did, but I wasn't going to forbid it - it's his choice, at the end of the day. Initially, he was kind of surprised that I did have an issue with it, as he knew I'd been in strip clubs myself before we got together. All I said to him was to think for a second how he'd feel if I went to a strip club and had a complete stranger rub his c0ck all over me. He just went deathly quiet, and then went "Yeah, point taken."

I know the "cool girlfriend" thing to do is pretend it's all just a bit of fun, but at the end of the day, if you have an issue with it, that's all that matters. What's done is done now, you can't change that, but you can certainly explain to your boyfriend that you're surprised and hurt by it, and ask him to bear that in mind in the future.

miamee

--PEG-- wrote: »

Some hot girl, gyrating all over my boyfriend, touching him and exciting him and who knows how skanky this place was she probably let him touch her too. I felt sick, I still do.

Am I right or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

OP, why don't you ask him about it? What she did, how close she was dancing etc? It's quite likely a lot less worrying than you are imagining without knowing the facts. As blatantrereg has said, I highly doubt there was any touching.

While it's not nice to think of, it was a stag party and they were all doing it (bar two of them) together, in front of each other. They were probably egging each other on.

You are right to be upset about it but at the same time, you say you never asked him not to do it; he possibly thought you'd be ok with it as part of a stag weekend. He obviously thought little enough of the dance to tell you about it as part of the weekend anyway. I think if you ask him more about it, it might put your mind at ease.

--PEG--

I'm thinking he didnt conceal it because I never said "Dont Do It" but I just presumed that was a given.. I bet he's sorry he said it to me now. But there have been a number of stags in the years we've been together so of course I asked how many has he got since we've been together and the answer is that was the only one. I just cant get the image out of my head. And imagine the banter between them all after it. Oh did you see the **** on the one I had bla bla.. I feel sick thinking about it. I havent said it to anyone else because Im embarrassed that my lovely bf did that to me, that's why I'm seeking advice here.

Thanks for your reply.

--PEG--

I wasnt trying to be the cool gf at all, hes actually quite shy, I didnt think it was going to be an issue. I knew obviously as part of the stags there would be strip clubs involved but I presumed (like his 2 friends who had no prob NOT getting a dance) that he would have more respect for our relationship than to get one. I asked him what she was like & what she was doing and he just shut down because the minute he said that he got one, I said your a Pr**k I cant believe you did that to me. So I dont think i'll be getting any more info out of him. He has apologised but Im so sad over the whole thing.

Its more than just the fact that he did it, its changed my whole perception of him, I actually didnt even consider him getting one and how id feel so that's why it was such a shock.

strobe

Whether or not it's ok to other people doesn't really matter. What matters is whether or not it's ok to you.

But you've let him know it's not. You said he's a lovely bf so presumably he wouldn't do it in future. He didn't deliberately set out to do something that would upset you. He didn't try to hide anything from you so must have just presumed if you had no problem with him heading to strip clubs on stags, you would have no problem with this.

Honestly I think you're making a far bigger deal out of it than it is at this point. You've let your feelings on it be known, he's appologised, so I'd put it behind you and get over it.

--PEG--

strobe wrote: »

Whether or not it's ok to other people doesn't really matter. What matters is whether or not it's ok to you.

But you've let him know it's not. You said he's a lovely bf so presumably he wouldn't do it in future. He didn't deliberately set out to do something that would upset you. He didn't try to hide anything from you so must have just presumed if you had no problem with him heading to strip clubs on stags, you would have no problem with this.

Honestly I think you're making a far bigger deal out of it than it is at this point. You've let your feelings on it be known, he's appologised, so I'd put it behind you and get over it.

I really want to and I hope i can.. Its just not happening at the minute

ShaShaBear

To be honest, when there is a stag do, and your partner doesn't vocalise that she is completely against lapdances, I imagine a man would assume that means she is not completely against lapdances. I mean, if you feel so strongly about them, why would you "assume it is a given". He's not a bloody mind-reader - he's a human being, off to have a bit of fun with his mates before one of them gets married. The two lads that didn't get one might not have felt comfortable, or maybe they simply couldn't afford it.

You are well within your rights to have issue with your partner receiving a lapdance, but IMO you have no right to treat him like this (especially if he is so lovely, and was nice enough to be honest with you) over him not managing to telepathically realise that you would go mental over some woman in a business setting wobbling her boobs in his face. What happens at a stag stays there, and chances are had he realised you hated them so much, or felt they were so "skanky", he wouldn't have told you, and you would never have known. But now he does. And now he probably feels awful for doing something you had no obvious issue with until he honestly admitted to doing it.

LegacyUser

Op, I think this is definitely a grey area. From ex-s I have had in the past I know some would have reacted like you, some indifferent to it and some I'm not sure.

He obviously wasn't sure and didn't think it was a big deal. Lap dances are a waste of money, a bit pathetic, but are part and parcel of many stag weekends. Most lads I know are pretty indifferent to them and if they knew their gf had a big problem with it, they wouldn't do it.

You've told him you're mad, he has said sorry and presumably won't do it again. He felt secure enough with you to be honest about it, so I think it is time to move on before he starts to wonder that you making such a big deal out of it is a sign of a bigger problem in the relationship.

ShowMeTheCash

Hey, just wanted to add to this.
So I have been on a number of stag do's usual carry on lapdances and strip bars, jegar bombs and downed pints!
I personnaly would not get too worked up about it.

A lapdance is not intimate, its a business, for the lads its all about bravado and having laugh which holds no real substance of any kind, and I am sure for the stripper he was just another punter to fleece..

I understand that no woman wants to visualise this kind of thing, but its not real, its a show!

I think you are getting worked up over very little or at least something with no substance...

I would worry more about a flirty exchange with a collegue more than a 5 minute dance at a club..

It was brave of him to tell you as by the sounds of it he probably should have kept it to himself. As it really has not made you trust him more if anything it has had the opposite effect.

From a mans point of view I am sure it was nothing I have never came away from one with anything more than a sore wallet, also I just want to say that comradery is a complicated thing, there is a certain amount of pressure to be "one of the lads" especially on stag do's, usually the friends you go with on these nights-out will pre-date any girlfriends, people who knew you as a kid or at school... A lot of men will change somewhat to fit to what their partner wants, because they love them, but to other men they still want to beat their chest and demonstrate they are still men!

Just something to think about "don't let nothing destroy something".

All the best!

Frank Lee Midere

Pretty hard for a shy guy to say no if everybody is getting a dance.

strobe

--PEG-- wrote: »

I really want to and I hope i can.. Its just not happening at the minute

Maybe try to verbalise here what specifically your issue(s) with what he did is?

Do you feel there was a violation of trust? Are you thinking "well if he'd do this, he might cheat"?
If that's the issue, honestly I don't think there is an issue. The fact that he was honest with you straight away shows that he wasn't willfully betraying your trust or doing anything behind your back, or that he ever would. If anything it'd indicate the opposite.

Is it just that you are just having a hard time with the thought of another woman being somewhat sexual with him?
If that's the issue, well how do you deal with the fact that he would have actually had sex with other women before you?

Is it that another woman could be capable of turning him on, or that he could be attracted to another woman?
Well, that would just make him a human being. Presumably you are already aware that all people continue to find people apart from their partner sexually attractive. Presumably you do to. But that doesn't mean they don't also find their partner sexually attractive or find their partner the most sexually attractive, or mean that they have any interest whatsoever in actually doing anything with anyone else.

Is it something else entirely?

--PEG--

ShaShaBear wrote: »

To be honest, when there is a stag do, and your partner doesn't vocalise that she is completely against lapdances, I imagine a man would assume that means she is not completely against lapdances. I mean, if you feel so strongly about them, why would you "assume it is a given". He's not a bloody mind-reader - he's a human being, off to have a bit of fun with his mates before one of them gets married. The two lads that didn't get one might not have felt comfortable, or maybe they simply couldn't afford it.

You are well within your rights to have issue with your partner receiving a lapdance, but IMO you have no right to treat him like this (especially if he is so lovely, and was nice enough to be honest with you) over him not managing to telepathically realise that you would go mental over some woman in a business setting wobbling her boobs in his face. What happens at a stag stays there, and chances are had he realised you hated them so much, or felt they were so "skanky", he wouldn't have told you, and you would never have known. But now he does. And now he probably feels awful for doing something you had no obvious issue with until he honestly admitted to doing it.

I didnt think it had to be said thats my whole point, I wasnt expecting him to be a mind reader because it wasnt in my mind that he would do it. Its not as if we sat down and said so how many strippers are you blow your money on the weekend, it wasnt like that at all. It was just a complete shock when he said that he did.

I dont really think someone with a partner would have to be telepathically or otherwise told that its disrespectful to their partner for someone to be wobbling her boobs in his face, as you put it.

Like you said he knows now, just a pity it ruined my birthday..

ShaShaBear

--PEG-- wrote: »

I didnt think it had to be said thats my whole point, I wasnt expecting him to be a mind reader because it wasnt in my mind that he would do it. Its not as if we sat down and said so how many strippers are you blow your money on the weekend, it wasnt like that at all. It was just a complete shock when he said that he did.

I dont really think someone with a partner would have to be telepathically or otherwise told that its disrespectful to their partner for someone to be wobbling her boobs in his face, as you put it.

Like you said he knows now, just a pity it ruined my birthday..

That's sort of nonsense. He was going to a strip club and you thought he'd assume to avoid the reason he was going in the first place? It's no different than going to McDonald's and not eating anything on their menu. A strip club without strippers is just an expensive nightclub. Would you get worked up if he had been sitting there with a semi all night staring at all the half naked women walking about? Because chances are that he did. As any man would. Fact is that if you have a problem with what goes on in a strip club, you have a problem with strip clubs.

I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe that you thought he was going to a strip club to have a couple of severely over-priced beverages and then head home.

--PEG--

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

Hey, just wanted to add to this.
So I have been on a number of stag do's usual carry on lapdances and strip bars, jegar bombs and downed pints!
I personnaly would not get too worked up about it.

A lapdance is not intimate, its a business, for the lads its all about bravado and having laugh which holds no real substance of any kind, and I am sure for the stripper he was just another punter to fleece..

I understand that no woman wants to visualise this kind of thing, but its not real, its a show!

I think you are getting worked up over very little or at least something with no substance...

I would worry more about a flirty exchange with a collegue more than a 5 minute dance at a club..

It was brave of him to tell you as by the sounds of it he probably should have kept it to himself. As it really has not made you trust him more if anything it has had the opposite effect.

From a mans point of view I am sure it was nothing I have never came away from one with anything more than a sore wallet, also I just want to say that comradery is a complicated thing, there is a certain amount of pressure to be "one of the lads" especially on stag do's, usually the friends you go with on these nights-out will pre-date any girlfriends, people who knew you as a kid or at school... A lot of men will change somewhat to fit to what their partner wants, because they love them, but to other men they still want to beat their chest and demonstrate they are still men!

Just something to think about "don't let nothing destroy something".

All the best!

Thanks

Frank Lee Midere

OP imagine this scenario.

There is a hen party.
You go. You don't know everybody. It's a loud group.
You go see the Chipendales and all of the hen party are getting a dance while the rest of the group cheers her on.
The chipendale stripper is making his way to your seat. Do you...

1) push him away to jeers.
2) do nothing and let it happen
3) storm out.

He did 2). Probably.

It's probably peer pressure. If he liked lap dances he'd go on his own.

--PEG--

strobe wrote: »

Maybe try to verbalise here what specifically your issue(s) with what he did is?

Do you feel there was a violation of trust? Are you thinking "well if he'd do this, he might cheat"?
If that's the issue, honestly I don't think there is an issue. The fact that he was honest with you straight away shows that he wasn't willfully betraying your trust or doing anything behind your back, or that he ever would. If anything it'd indicate the opposite.

Is it just that you are just having a hard time with the thought of another woman being somewhat sexual with him?
If that's the issue, well how do you deal with the fact that he would have actually had sex with other women before you?

Is it that another woman could be capable of turning him on, or that he could be attracted to another woman?
Well, that would just make him a human being. Presumably you are already aware that all people continue to find people apart from their partner sexually attractive. Presumably you do to. But that doesn't mean they don't also find their partner sexually attractive or find their partner the most sexually attractive, or mean that they have any interest whatsoever in actually doing anything with anyone else.

Is it something else entirely?

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

Typer Monkey

--PEG-- wrote: »

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

No actually he/she is suggesting that you reason out your upset in order to try and get past it.

Or did you just want people to agree with you and say how disgusting it is and you were dead right to fly off the handle and call him a prick?

strobe

--PEG-- wrote: »

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

Whoa... I'm doing no such thing. I'm just trying to help you figure out yourself why a minor enough thing has had such a huge impact on you, so you might be able to move past and get over it like you said you wanted to.

What's the difference in your mind between him letting a stripper 'gyrate all over him' (the thing you have a problem with) and him letting a stripper gyrate at him but not quite all over him (the thing you had no problem with).

--PEG--

ShaShaBear wrote: »

That's sort of nonsense. He was going to a strip club and you thought he'd assume to avoid the reason he was going in the first place? It's no different than going to McDonald's and not eating anything on their menu. A strip club without strippers is just an expensive nightclub. Would you get worked up if he had been sitting there with a semi all night staring at all the half naked women walking about? Because chances are that he did. As any man would. Fact is that if you have a problem with what goes on in a strip club, you have a problem with strip clubs.

I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe that you thought he was going to a strip club to have a couple of severely over-priced beverages and then head home.

Why would that be so hard to believe, if that's where the stag party are going then that's where he's going. It wasnt so hard for the other 2 lads to not get a dance, they enjoyed their severely over-priced beverages and then headed off where the crowd were going. And its not cause they couldnt afford it.

You can give me stick all you like but I actually love my bf my very much and this is something that really hurt me, if your in a relationship just think about it. You obviously wouldn't give a rats if someone was giving it loads with your partner, maybe im just a softie and should toughen up.

Thanks for your comments.

Big Bag of Chips

If he's normally as shy as you say, then it was probably easier to let it happen than to go against the majority..

I'd imagine 90% (completely made up statistic.. but just a guess) of fellas are more awkward and embarrassed during a lap dance, than are enjoying it and looking for more.

desbrook

Often heard it said that poor communication is at the root of 90 odd percent of couple disputes . Another a known fact is that many guys (me included ) are brutal at hints and intuiton . We find it really infuriating that partners seemingly expect us to know stuff automatically . It feels like you set traps for us, preying on our weakness . He felt that saying he was going to that place was also telling you he would be getting a lapdance . You really should have told him and clearly your feelings but he should have been explicit about getting a dance .

All that aside I have to wonder how you could be with someone for six years and not know his view on lapdancing clubs/strippers etc and he yours ! do you never discuss this stuff ?? I've been with my gf for a little over a year and she knows my view and I hers on this . The point is its come up a few times in conversations and casual ones not big heavy "where do you stand on such and such ?"a stuff .

You guys need to say what you mean as well as mean what you say .

miamee

--PEG-- wrote: »

Why would that be so hard to believe, if that's where the stag party are going then that's where he's going. It wasnt so hard for the other 2 lads to not get a dance, they enjoyed their severely over-priced beverages and then headed off where the crowd were going. And its not cause they couldnt afford it.

You can give me stick all you like but I actually love my bf my very much and this is something that really hurt me, if your in a relationship just think about it. You obviously wouldn't give a rats if someone was giving it loads with your partner, maybe im just a softie and should toughen up.

Thanks for your comments.

Is it possible that the girlfriends of the other two spoke to them beforehand? "Look I know you are going to a strip club on the stag and that's fine but I'd rather if you didn't get a lapdance".
I think it's a case of miscommunication before the weekend.
He never expressly said he was going to have a lap dance and you never expressly asked him not to. You both assumed you knew how the other would feel/act but you were both wrong.
If he is as lovely as you have said, I'm sure he is sorry he got the lapdance and for upsetting you.

--PEG--

strobe wrote: »

Whoa... I'm doing no such thing. I'm just trying to help you figure out yourself why a minor enough thing has had such a huge impact on you, so you might be able to move past and get over it like you said you wanted to.

What's the difference in your mind between him letting a stripper 'gyrate all over him' (the thing you have a problem with) and him letting a stripper gyrate at him but not quite all over him (the thing you had no problem with).

I had no problem with him going because I presumed as he was taken he wouldn't be having the strippers gyrating at him/over him, there were enough single lads at it to let them carry on and he just have a buzz with the rest. Like I said earlier I was a naive gf, I know better now.

Thanks for your comments.

Frank Lee Midere

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If he's normally as shy as you say, then it was probably easier to let it happen than to go against the majority..

I'd imagine 90% (completely made up statistic.. but just a guess) of fellas are more awkward and embarrassed during a lap dance, than are enjoying it and looking for more.

Yes. As I said if he liked them he would go on his own.

I've only gotten lap dances in groups. I don't like them but I don't like large groups either. When someone you know is getting married you have to follow the crowd.

ShowMeTheCash

--PEG-- wrote: »

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

I would say he probably wouldn't... Dancing with a stranger in the club might get his attention, grinding on a stranger might get you dumped finding out on a hen that a male stripper gave you a lapdance I doubt would cause most men any real concern!

Let's put it this way, if he didn't participate you may have had a bigger issue :eek:

Floppybits

--PEG-- wrote: »

Your making it out like I'm a troubled pyscho gf with a lot of issues.. My problem with it is that he didnt think twice about his gf at home and had no problem letting a lap dancer get up in face and gyrate all over him, because if it was the other way round I can safely say he'd hit the roof.

OP, did he buy the dance himself or did the lads buy the dance for him? I have been on stag weekends where I have seen lads buying lapdances for other lads because those lads are not interested and its a laugh. I was even on one where the lads were buying lap dances for the gay lad on the stag for the laugh. I was on another stag where I the stag and his father got lapdances beside each other because the lads bought the lap dances and thought it would be funny. It was the most cringe worthy thing I have ever seen and I hope to never see again.

I have had it done to me because the lads knew that I dont like these clubs because they are boring and fake. I mean whats the point in the wasting your money on some girl that you can touch, has no interest in you other than your money.

Speak with your boyfriend about it and then try get over it if you can.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know you are upset, but I think, as many other posters have suggested, this is a matter of bad communication. Ok, you didn't tell him not to, you assumed he wouldn't. That in itself, to me, isn't where the lack of communication comes into it.

The bad communication is happening NOW.

I know if my husband came back from a,stag night, or me from a hen night, with a similar story we would probably be mortified for each other! I trust him 100%.I don't feel he would ever cheat on me. And I know him. So I know sitting down, handing over money and having some young one wobble all over him would be his idea of a nightmare.

I know I have been on nights out where strippers have turned up, and to be honest, for everyone else its a great laugh, for the subject, who is getting all the attention, it is nothing but embarrassing.

You are angry with him. You called him a prick, but did you listen to him? Did you ask him how it came about, and how he felt? If my husband come home with that story I think I'd be curious rather than pissed off. Purely because I know the type of person my husband is. I get the impression your fella isn't a bad fella. He's not sleazy or out flirting every weekend..

Yes, you're upset. But my guess is so is he.

--PEG--

Thanks to everyone for your comments I think we have a lot to talk about this evening.

To anyone who's going on a stags anytime soon, please have the 'chat' with your partner so she doesn't wind up feeling let down because she presumed you wouldn't join the single lads and get a lap dance.

ShowMeTheCash

--PEG-- wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for your comments I think we have a lot to talk about this evening.

To anyone who's going on a stags anytime soon, please have the 'chat' with your partner so she doesn't wind up feeling let down because she presumed you wouldn't join the single lads and get a lap dance.

I'm good my gf works at the club

Frank Lee Midere

--PEG-- wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for your comments I think we have a lot to talk about this evening.

To anyone who's going on a stags anytime soon, please have the 'chat' with your partner so she doesn't wind up feeling let down because she presumed you wouldn't join the single lads and get a lap dance.

I'm getting the impression that you are not really taking the arguments on board.

--PEG--

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

I'm getting the impression that you are not really taking the arguments on board.

Well I didnt post here for an argument I posted here for advice and i've taken that on board and thanked you all for it. I shouldnt have taking it as a given that he wouldnt do it and should have had a discussion about it before he went but I didnt, so Im just gonna talk it over this evening.

I think that I have taken the comments on board?

Greenduck

I've always had conflicting feelings over strip clubs. On one hand I understand they are just a bit of fun and something that a lot of men part-take in on stags etc. On the other hand, nobody ideally wants another person being THAT close to their boyfriends!

My boyfriend once told me, if there is a group of 20 lads of they are in a strip club, locked, having a laugh and everyone's getting one, he's hardly going to turn around and say 'sorry my girlfriend would be upset'. I think us ladies would ideally love them to say that but realistically its unlikely they will.

I put it to him 'what if there was a male stripper all over me?'.... he laughed and said work away. I know you love and fancy me and thats a bit of fun with your friends. Thats allllll it is..a bit of fun. Thinking that this woman had some type of sexual power over him will get you nowhere. Men are visual creatures and I would say a good few watch p0rn too! They dont want to marry the porn stars/strippers, its just something for them to watch Like someone else said...a show.

Dont stress too much OP, he was straight forward and honest. I sincerely doubt you have anything to worry about.

LegacyUser

--PEG-- wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for your comments I think we have a lot to talk about this evening.

To anyone who's going on a stags anytime soon, please have the 'chat' with your partner so she doesn't wind up feeling let down because she presumed you wouldn't join the single lads and get a lap dance.

I don't think you have "a lot to talk about" at all!

You've told him off, he has said sorry, he is still in the dog house. You have got umpteen posts here where the over-riding message is, it's not that big of a deal.

I don't see why you need to say any more than "I wish you hadn't got a lap dance, don't do it again, but I love you and let's move on" or something to that effect.

Any more than that and you are starting to make a mountain out of a molehill.

ShowMeTheCash

Greenduck wrote: »

I've always had conflicting feelings over strip clubs. On one hand I understand they are just a bit of fun and something that a lot of men part-take in on stags etc. On the other hand, nobody ideally wants another person being THAT close to their boyfriends!

My boyfriend once told me, if there is a group of 20 lads of they are in a strip club, locked, having a laugh and everyone's getting one, he's hardly going to turn around and say 'sorry my girlfriend would be upset'. I think us ladies would ideally love them to say that but realistically its unlikely they will.

I put it to him 'what if there was a male stripper all over me?'.... he laughed and said work away. I know you love and fancy me and thats a bit of fun with your friends. Thats allllll it is..a bit of fun. Thinking that this woman had some type of sexual power over him will get you nowhere. Men are visual creatures and I would say a good few watch p0rn too! They dont want to marry the porn stars/strippers, its just something for them to watch Like someone else said...a show.

Dont stress too much OP, he was straight forward and honest. I sincerely doubt you have anything to worry about.

I had a similar conversation with my gf... Wait a second...

wallycharlo

Greenduck wrote: »

...Dont stress too much OP, he was straight forward and honest. I sincerely doubt you have anything to worry about...

Agree with this, the fact that he was upfront about it with you speaks volumes.

Not meaning to belittle your own situation OP, but I've been on many stags myself where many of the attached / married lads that went along did a lot more than get a lap dance (and not the type of lads either you would have down as that type) so you can feel good about yourself at least that your own boyfriend is not falling into that catagory.

LegacyUser

ShaShaBear wrote: »

What happens at a stag stays there, and chances are had he realised you hated them so much, or felt they were so "skanky", he wouldn't have told you, and you would never have known.

honey-ec has covered this all quite well. People like ShaShaBear who clearly get their values from movies like The Hangover will tell you this is a storm in a teacup.

Now I'm not saying your boyfriend deserved to be called a prick: partners should not speak abusively to one another. If you had a stripper gyrate in your face at a party and he called you a c**t equally that wouldn't be okay.

IMO no person should pay for sexual services. It's dehumanising - even people saying here it wasn't real, it was a show - in what way was it not real? Lapdances are very real and involve real people with real bodies and real emotions and real sexual responses, no? It wasn't puppets or cartoons. Is a sexual act not a sexual act if there are no emotions involved now?

Successful couples share the same values. Both myself and my partner would not pay money for sexual services and that is what a lapdance is - fodder for a w*nk, or more. It is belittling both to the buyer and the service provider. Perhaps the problem here is not that your partner "cheated" but that you do not share the same values.

Boofle

wallycharlo wrote: »

Agree with this, the fact that he was upfront about it with you speaks volumes.

Not meaning to belittle your own situation OP, but I've been on many stags myself where many of the attached / married lads that went along did a lot more than get a lap dance (and not the type of lads either you would have down as that type) so you can feel good about yourself at least that your own boyfriend is not falling into that catagory.

Totally agree with this. Many years ago my friend's fiancé went on a stag weekend and she hadn't heard from him one of the evenings - she wouldn't have been one of those girlfriends who would be constantly texting and ringing every minute of the night but she said she had a bad feeling that something was up. I was with her that evening in their house and she tried ringing a couple of times and sent a few texts etc. And no response whatsoever.

I went off to bed. Next morning I woke up and she was still sitting at the kitchen table, crying, her face was all puffy and red etc - her fiancé's phone was finally picked up at 4.30am by one of his friends who proceeded to tell her that he didn't know where the fiancé was. My friend obviously didn't buy this and had a meltdown. It transpired that her fiancé had gone off with a prostitute for the night. She still married this guy and 6 weeks after the wedding they broke up.....she found out he was having an affair with a girl at work for 6 months and was texting her on their wedding day :eek:

OP I think it could be a lot worse - at least he told you etc.

MauraTheThird

--PEG-- wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for your comments I think we have a lot to talk about this evening.

To anyone who's going on a stags anytime soon, please have the 'chat' with your partner so she doesn't wind up feeling let down because she presumed you wouldn't join the single lads and get a lap dance.

I genuinely think you're over-reacting. I understand you're upset but in all fairness YOU never said anything prior to him going so how was he supposed to know you'd get as upset as you obviously have?

He told you he was going to the stripclub, and you said nothing? That was YOUR chance to say something if you were not ok with it. You had ample opportunity to voice your concerns. It's a bit uncalled for calling him a "prick" for no good reason.

LegacyUser

I understand where op is coming from. I would be devestated if my partner got a lap dance....you could tell me all you want about 'going with the group' didnt mean anything, etc etc but i would not like the idea of a naked woman touching/being so intimate with him.

So does that mean we have a problem???? Why is this being normalised? It wouldnt be acceptable in any other situation so why is it seeming it has to be here?

It is not the same as watching porn on a screen. Or is it the same as finding someone attractive.
Op i would feel the same aa you. And why should she have to spell out clearly what is or isnt acceptable to her partner?? Its hardly a get out of jail free card if she hasnt specifically mentioned everything she wouldnt like him to do?

Back to the op, now what??? Is it worth finishing your relationship because of this?? Could you bear to ask him all the things you want to know that your mind is already imagining and worse??

The fact he told you so freely and easily may mean he really didnt believe it was wrong/ didnt view it the way you do. Can you move on from here?

LegacyUser

Hi op,

I just felt I had to respond here as I feel all of the responses so far have been along the lines of "your over-reacting, get over it". More or less.

And I would just like to acknowledge your feelings and subsequent hurt over this.
I would be the same. And I would like to point out just in case anyone goes down the line of "oh your just being insecure bla bla bla". I don't mind saying that I'm an attractive girl with a smokin' body so don't think I could ever be bothered in that way by a stripper.

Anyway, I digress slightly. I think it's a fairly pathetic and embarrasing thing to do on behalf of guy's on stags tbh. I hate the way stag's going to strip clubs has just become the norm and girlfriends should just act all "cool" about it. No ta.

On a final, anecdotal note, I'l leave it with the example of my cousin's, now husband's, stag party 6 months ago. They inevitably (roll eyes) ended up at a strip club, the finance - txting my cousin - told her a few of her friends bf's were embarrassing - getting dances despite them being engaged, egging everyone on etc. One of the guy's in his early 40's with a kid let them get on with it, didnt get judgemental with them but as he put it at his stage in life he's not about to be peer pressured from these guys trying to act big.

Listen op, I'm in no way suggesting your fella is anything like these guys on the stag. But check out who he hangs with. Guys on stag in my story weren't his close friends. Thank god

Taltos

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

I had a similar conversation with my gf... Wait a second...

ShowMeTheCash - this forum has no tolerance for any type of muppetry. Please take five minutes to read our forum before you post again. Muppetry of any nature can and does result in forum bans here due to the sensitive nature of the posts.

Taltos

ShaShaBear

oldfashionedliberal wrote: »

honey-ec has covered this all quite well. People like ShaShaBear who clearly get their values from movies like The Hangover will tell you this is a storm in a teacup.

I don't think my statement gives you any right to make assumptions on my "values". I was simply letting the OP know that he could easily have swept this under the rug had he known she had a problem with it. His blatant honesty suggests that he had no idea she would react so adversely and that he is a trustworthy person who has nothing to hide from his partner. My entire point through all of my posts still stands. If she had a problem with it, she should have said so, rather than assuming he felt the same way about lapdances as she silenty did.

December2012

You think it's not ok. So it doesn't matter if anybody else agrees or not.

However, you being "right" or "winning this argument" is not going to change your future.

He was honest, he told you, and that does count for something.

You have to learn how to forgive and let go.

ViveLaVie

Well I totally disagree with most of the posters here. I don't think the OP should be grateful her bf didn't go as far as actually having sex with another woman or hiding the lapdance from her. I would be furious if my bf got a lapdance from anybody, regardless of the situation.

Frankly, I think it's incredibly disrespectful to the relationship to allow another woman to perform a sexualised dance for you. I saw a man get a lapdance from a stripper in London and it bordered on prostitution to be honest with the sexual behaviour she exhibited.

Nor do I think the OP has no right to be upset and has to suck it up because she didn't spell it out for her bf that a lapdance was a step too far. Sorry, but in my view, he doesn't get a free pass because she hadn't drawn up a list of all the things she considers inappropriate.

I know this happens a lot and some women are cool with it - that's fine for you. But I would not be cool with it and I don't see why I should have to compromise my values in a relationship because they're different to yours. Telling the OP to 'get over it' isn't fair. She is very hurt and entitled to be so.

OP if I were you I'd have a serious talk with him. Tell him how it makes you feel and give him the example of you getting a lapdance from another man. How would he feel about that? As long as you're clear that this isn't to happen again, I see no reason why you can't work it out. He seems like an honest lad. Best of luck!

Gerry T

Man's point of view here, but I don't see the problem. It sounds like your a little insecure, that you don't like the idea that your BF might find another person attractive, that in some way he might leave you one day for someone else. Or is it a touch of jealousy that another woman is close to your man.

I have had a couple (2) and for me it was more about a laugh with the lads, it wasn't a turn on and I didn't think afterwards that I wanted to go with the woman. I have never seen any physical touching at a lap dance, was warned beforehand if you touch your out and she won't touch either.

I have seen women on beaches wearing less clothes !

If my better half went on a hens and this happened I wouldn't think twice. I know how she feels about me and its just a bit of harmless fun. I would be far more upset finding out she was having some emotional relationship with another man, which involved mutual respect, admiration, support, comfort in a way that couples do and not relatives/friends if that makes sense.

But look we are all wired differently and the art of communication should solve these things. Your guy sounds grand, what would you thing he would have done if before he went you said you would preferred he didn't as it upsets you. If the answer is you believe he wouldn't have done anything then forget about it and move on.

Finally if my partner was regularly going and not in the context of a celebratory group night out I would be a little upset then, the motive for getting a lap dance is important.

heretochat

I agree with the last poster about people being wired differently, and everyone has their own moral compass and sense of what is right and wrong.

I was in a relationship a couple of years ago and one of my friends was having his "stag". A group of us went away for the weekend. My girlfriend at the time expressed her desire that I would not get involved in any strip clubs, lapdances etc.

Now I am no prude but that environment just doesn't suit me anyway so I promised her I wouldn't get involved.

on the "stag" a few of the lads went off to the strip club or whatever.. A few others (including) myself stayed in the pub we were in and had a few beers until they returned..

Despite my own lack of interest, I was aware that there were reprecussions if I had gone to the club. I may be reading this wrong but the OP's OH was also aware (or should have been if with her for so long).. He now must rely on her capacity for forgiveness..

I think it is unfair to state that anyone over-reacts to any given scenario.. As I said at the outset we set our own moral compass and we develop our own valus system. If someone we love or trust betrays those, we are going to react differently depending on where our values lie. Anyway I have waffled enough (putting soapbox away in the corner again)

Gerry T

heretochat wrote: »

I agree with the last poster about people being wired differently, and everyone has their own moral compass and sense of what is right and wrong.

I was in a relationship a couple of years ago and one of my friends was having his "stag". A group of us went away for the weekend. My girlfriend at the time expressed her desire that I would not get involved in any strip clubs, lapdances etc.

Now I am no prude but that environment just doesn't suit me anyway so I promised her I wouldn't get involved.

on the "stag" a few of the lads went off to the strip club or whatever.. A few others (including) myself stayed in the pub we were in and had a few beers until they returned..

Despite my own lack of interest, I was aware that there were reprecussions if I had gone to the club. I may be reading this wrong but the OP's OH was also aware (or should have been if with her for so long).. He now must rely on her capacity for forgiveness..

I think it is unfair to state that anyone over-reacts to any given scenario.. As I said at the outset we set our own moral compass and we develop our own valus system. If someone we love or trust betrays those, we are going to react differently depending on where our values lie. Anyway I have waffled enough (putting soapbox away in the corner again)

But the OP said that she hadn't mentioned it before and assumed her partner would have known
and I never lay down the law and said you better not get a lap dance because I presumed he had more respect for our relationship and wouldn't even go there
So I don't think its fair to say the man should have know, maybe if this had come up before the event in conversation then he would have stayed away from the club.

EDIT: Just adding, I hope I didn't suggest the OP over reacted, I don't think that. I fully appreciate people will have strong views on these things and respect that.

heretochat

Gerry T wrote: »

But the OP said that she hadn't mentioned it before and assumed her partner would have known
and I never lay down the law and said you better not get a lap dance because I presumed he had more respect for our relationship and wouldn't even go there
So I don't think its fair to say the man should have know, maybe if this had come up before the event in conversation then he would have stayed away from the club.

EDIT: Just adding, I hope I didn't suggest the OP over reacted, I don't think that. I fully appreciate people will have strong views on these things and respect that.

I guess the question for me then would be whether she needed to be explicit about it. They have been together for a long time and should he have known (without needing to be told) what her position on it would be? Not forming a view on it as I obviously don't know either of them just throwing that out there.