Is shyness in a guy a turn off for women?

heretochat

Am brand new to this place so please go easy on me.. The title of this posting is pretty clear but let me elaborate..

Well to put it bluntly I am quite shy when it comes to talking to girls in pubs etc. My friends all have the gift of the gab and are well able to mingle, chat and click with those of the female persuasion..

I meanwhile am the one that stands in the background looking on.. Needless to say I don't have the best of "luck" so to speak...

Not sure what I can do about it and I tihnk women must find it a real turn off or deterrent..

Any views?

Staff Infection

I wouldn't say it's a turn off per se but it could be misread as you wanting to be left alone or something like that.

Think of it from the ladies point of view if she looks across at you and say three of your mates sitting at a table and they all wave or say hi and you keep quiet she might and I stress might think "oh he didn't wave or say hi, maybe he's just out for a quiet pint, I won't bother him".

I know not everyone is extroverted and can chat to anyone. I myself am naturally reasonably reserved but am able to mix or mingle when I want but I have to kind of force myself to take the first step. Not everyone who is chatty etc. is confident doing so, they may be nervous as féck inside. However, they know that there are situations like down the pub where you have to make a bit of effort and be sociable and in return other people will chat back and soon there is a fine conversation flowing.

What I found myself in the past was that just prior to saying hi or walking up to someone I'd almost be paralyzed with apprehension. I had negative self appraisals such as "ah I won't bother, they probably don't want to talk to me" etc. so I wouldn't budge. Then one day I just said "f this", jumped up and strolled over to someone, introduced myself and got chatting. It was a relief and once you do it once it's easier as you start building a bedrock of confidence.

Basically that's it in a nutshell just motivate yourself to take that first step and soon you'll be moonwalking up to people (well maybe not straight away that might be weird).

edit - also some people find that having a hobby is beneficial as they can mention that to get things flowing. eg "do you cycle by any chance? ah thought you had the look of a cyclist, I cycle myself was down at the ring or Kerry the other week, ever been......."

Playboy

I know plenty of girls who like a shy guy, problem is most of them are shy too! You just gotta put yourself out there I'm afraid. Try some CBT to help with the shyness, there are some excellent techniques available to help you get past it.

Green&Red

OP, I would consider myself quite shy and always have to force myself to talk to others. If you were to ask anyone though they would say I'm very outgoing. The difference being I know the internal turmoil and terror I feel before I start talking to someone. What I would suggest is starting up a conversation on something you're interested in, that way you come across as someone enthusiastic and interesting rather than we'll say talking about tennis when all u know is that Murray won but wouldnt know Nadal if he was beside you. Think of it in a work scenario, once you're talking about the ins and outs of your job you get into a comfort zone, thats where u want to be when you're talking to someone.
To answer your original question I would say no it is not but that some level of confidence is a turn-on
Good luck

Galwayguy35

If someone is interested it doesn't really matter if a person is shy or quiet IMO.

I would be a quiet guy in real life myself and if someone isn't interested just because of that then I'm not going to try and change my personality just to suit them.

PingO_O

I don't think so, I think there's a lot more going on when you're attracted to someone, it doesn't just come down to being attracted (or not) to a trait like shyness.

Then again there probably comes a time where a woman has clearly shown a lot of interest and if you're still awkward or shy its a turn off.

As for the nights out situation I know how you feel! You gotta switch from worrying about what the women think of you and just focus on your own good time with your mates, don't care as much, see what your friends do and try pick up a few things.

Don't stand in the background looking on, it's a social night out, people want you to get involved!

shopaholic01

Shyness is not a turn off, it can actually make some guys more endearing - I don't mean that in a condescending way.


If you are shy it will obviously have an effect on how you approach women. It can be difficult to differentiate between a shy guy chatting to you, as opposed to chatting you up. So, a shy guy may have more difficulty 'pulling', but it's not because women are turned off by his shyness.


Likewise, a woman may appear aloof or disinterested, when really her shyness prevents her responding as she would like.

OnTheCouch

Well if you are particularly good looking, it won't matter because you'll get approached by women either way. However, the vast majority of us do not fall into this category, so things then become a little complicated.

Contrary to popular belief, many women appreciate a man who does not go round chatting to every person he sees. For obvious reasons it means he is less likely to get tempted and stray.

The problem is, shy cute women will be chatted up anyway, whereas even quite good looking men will not be approached unless they are exceptionally handsome as mentioned above.

So it is not really a question if being shy is a turn off for women (it isn't), more that as a general rule, women will usually meet more confident, brash, outgoing individuals, simply because they will talk to more people than the shy men will. This can lead to unfortunate stereotyping, a woman only meets one kind of man and doesn't particularly like them; ergo accusations of 'all men are bastards' can result. This could be avoided if she were to be exposed to a greater selection of males.

Therefore, it is a tricky fact of life, that if you want to meet women, you either have to put yourself in a situation where you come into contact with many on a regular basis, for example some social club, or get into the habit of talking to strangers. Otherwise it's not going to happen and you could easily be the Prince Charming for literally thousands of girls out there, except they'll never have the opportunity to find this out.

banquo

I misread your username as ''HeteroChat".

Speisekarte

I think for a lot of women it is a turn off, the good news though is you don't have to remain shy, there are methods to help you overcome your shyness over time.

Sephiroth_dude

Speisekarte wrote: »

I think for a lot of women it is a turn off, the good news though is you don't have to remain shy, there are methods to help you overcome your shyness over time.

Please share these methods .

PingO_O

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Please share these methods .

Methods like not analysing everything people say or how they respond to you,

If you want to approach someone you like do it and be sure of yourself, don't anticipate rejection or you just come off creepy

Other things like if you want to talk to a girl or anyone really stop messing with your own head and just talk to them, bite the bullet, that's the hardest part but its much easier after that.

Talk to them because it amuses you / you enjoy it or whatever, just not to try and validate yourself.

playedalive

In my honest opinion, if the person is genuine and open minded, they will acknowledge your shyness and like you if you show them your personality.

Legs.Eleven

If I'm sexually attracted to the fella to begin with, shyness can be very endearing.

GalwayGuy2

Hmmm, you do need enough confidence to show your personality. So, if you are shy in you can't begin a conversation with a woman, grand.

But if you're shy, as in you cannot get beyond small talk with someone, then you should try and build up your confidence a little.

But whatever you do, don't mumble:P

Pug160

Shyness affects lots of different aspects of your life. Lots of people mistake it for someone being rude. With women it's not so much the shyness in itself that's the problem, it's the fact that a shy man will either not approach a woman or he will use alcohol as a crutch, which a lot of women don't like as it gives the impression that you're not very confident without being tipsy or flat out drunk.

Because of the way society expects males and females to behave, you often have situations where a shy guy is trying to chat up an outgoing girl. It seems a little strange when you think about it. There can be some awkward encounters but it's better not taking life too seriously, which is what I have to remind myself sometimes.

solas111

Speisekarte wrote: »

I think for a lot of women it is a turn off, the good news though is you don't have to remain shy, there are methods to help you overcome your shyness over time.

Spot on – time is the cure here.

I have found that after about forty years of being somewhat reserved I can now talk to the ladies without getting in any way flustered. Trouble is, I am not in the market anymore so I don’t need to impress anyone.

Stick with it and you’ll be fine in about four decades.

Pepe LeFrits

I don't think it's a turn off, it just limits your opportunities to meet and get to know women.

CarlDunne1979

shopaholic01 wrote: »

Shyness is not a turn off, it can actually make some handsome guys more endearing - I don't mean that in a condescending way.

Fixed your post there. You should thank me, without the fix it was complete and utter baloney.

CarlDunne1979

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

If I'm sexually attracted to the fella to begin with, shyness can be very endearing.

Thank you for your honesty.

Pug160

Maybe shyness can be endearing in some cases if there's attraction but it hasn't been my experience. I'm almost positive that I've missed opportunities because I was shy in certain situations. It's my understanding that shyness is simply not a desirable trait in the Western world. It still boils down to the fact that most women here expect the man to take control. It's just how things are - rightly or wrongly. If, as men, we don't adapt - we suffer for it. So it's change or be left behind.

I shared a flat with a couple of strangers last summer. One of them was a Korean girl. She asked me to go out for walks and to go for coffee and stuff. I was pretty surprised as a native girl would never do that for fear of breaking some sort of rule. I don't know whether the Korean girl wanted more or was just being friendly but it was certainly an attitude to life I had never seen before.

ongarboy

CarlDunne1979 wrote: »

Fixed your post there. You should thank me, without the fix it was complete and utter baloney.

Don't know why you interfered with that post as it made perfect sense to me before you modified it. There are countless shy guys out there who would not necessarily be 10/10 in the looks dept and still are in great relationships/married etc to wonderful women so it does happen. Cynicism and pessimism would be a far bigger turn off for women, I would imagine!

OP - instead of accepting that you're shy and do nothing about it, why not try to step outside your comfort zone once in a while when a girl comes along that takes your fancy. You don't have to rid yourself of shyness altogether and force yourself to be the life and soul of the party as that would involve a change of personality and would not be your true self. Instead, just some baby steps of making small talk about things to establish what can give a conversation legs (eg current topics like Wimbledon, been to any beaches/amenities in the fine weather, Dublin winning the hurling - some girls are into GAA!, the recent concerts in the Phoenix Park etc etc). Go with the flow and don't over analyse will help you relax.

Online dating is worth a shot also as you can strike up a rapport online prior to meeting to find out who you click with.

Legs.Eleven

CarlDunne1979 wrote: »

Thank you for your honesty.

Your welcome. Nothing honest about it.


I never said the guy had to be good-looking, I said I had to find him attractive. I've been attracted to many unconventional-looking men in my time.

PingO_O

CarlDunne1979 wrote: »

Fixed your post there. You should thank me, without the fix it was complete and utter baloney.

What are you getting at here? They made a good point without your fix. The whole angle of the thread is whether we think a woman who is attracted to a guy will still feel the same way if he happens to be a shy guy.

Of course he'd have to be handsome in her eyes why would she find him attractive otherwise?

Speisekarte

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Please share these methods .

There's countless exercise out there. Firstly you should learn how to meditate.

Secondly I'd say need to expose yourself to uncomfortable social scenarios repeatedly. Set yourself lots of little drills and tasks. If you fear boring a woman walk over and do your best to bore her. If you fear rejection walk over and try to be rejected. Do what makes you uncomfortable. Then of course do the plain ol' walk over and talk about whatever you want.

What will happen is you will lose the fear and anxiety as you do this. This will allow your unique personality to blossom.

Shyness isn't who you are, the circumstances of your life to date has made you shy. You can be confident and extroverted.

shopaholic01

CarlDunne1979 wrote: »

Fixed your post there. You should thank me, without the fix it was complete and utter baloney.

There's a lot more to attraction than looks.

I've read the rest of your posts, and I'm fairly confident that shyness isn't the reason you have difficulty meeting women.

solas111

Pug160 wrote: »

I shared a flat with a couple of strangers last summer. One of them was a Korean girl. She asked me to go out for walks and to go for coffee and stuff. I was pretty surprised as a native girl would never do that for fear of breaking some sort of rule. I don't know whether the Korean girl wanted more or was just being friendly but it was certainly an attitude to life I had never seen before.

Many years ago while still young and innocent I went on several visits to London. I often recall the hot summer’s night that I was standing outside of a hostel in Kensington where I was staying and was talking to a lovely Italian girl, not knowing what to say or do in order to move things to another level. What sticks in my mind is that she kept saying that she was thirsty. In my innocence, I offered her a drink of water or milk. Much later I concluded that ‘thirsty’ may well have been ‘why don’t you ask me to go for a drink’.

I have since learned from experience that where the ladies are concerned, words may have many different meanings. Very often, what is left unsaid is more relevant than…..

CastorTroy

I used to be really shy. Still can't really talk in big groups, mainly because they're chatting drunken sh*te while I'm sober or talking football, which I've no interest in, but that's beside the point.

I got over most of my shyness when I started working first at a petrol pumps when I was younger then in a bar later on. Pumps got me talking to strangers, usually about the weather, then the bar got me talikng to customers, usually telling them they weren't right. Then my current job involves meetings that I sometimes have to host/chair so basically I gradually built up to talking to larger groups.

True I'm still crap talking to women since I just ramble to them instead of chat them up, but it works sometimes as I've seen other guys who are at the same and I think they just get kissed to shut them up.

heretochat

Thanks to all the lads and ladies for your contributions here.... I think I just need to get over this innate shyness that I have and work from there.. Not as easy as it sounds but can't live under a shell for the rest of my life either..

Thing is I am confident in my work situation and can present on most topics when asked. It's only in a social context that I seem to come undone...

I don't pressure myself to "pull" every time I am out as I don't feel the need to do so unless I see someone I really like.. Then again that is only a physical thing so wouldn't know if I really like them until I chat to them.. So back to the crux of my problem..

Anyway I am rambling incoherently now so will stop..

Legs.Eleven

CastorTroy wrote: »

I used to be really shy. Still can't really talk in big groups, mainly because they're chatting drunken sh*te while I'm sober or talking football, which I've no interest in, but that's beside the point.

I got over most of my shyness when I started working first at a petrol pumps when I was younger then in a bar later on. Pumps got me talking to strangers, usually about the weather, then the bar got me talikng to customers, usually telling them they weren't right. Then my current job involves meetings that I sometimes have to host/chair so basically I gradually built up to talking to larger groups.

True I'm still crap talking to women since I just ramble to them instead of chat them up, but it works sometimes as I've seen other guys who are at the same and I think they just get kissed to shut them up.

Tbh, nothing worse than someone rambling on about themselves but being chatted up in the cliched sense is not preferable either. I recommend seeing the woman as someone you can have a conversation with just like a man and not seeing the woman as a) a sounding board for anything that enters your head (really nothing worse than someone who only talks about themselves and doesn't ask any questions or show any interest in you. It's my number one pet hate) and b) some idiot who falls for cheesy chat up lines.



That's my opinion anyway. Some men and women view the opposite sex as completely alien creatures and dreads talking to them forgetting that when it comes to the crunch, not much distinguishes us.

PingO_O

CastorTroy wrote: »

I used to be really shy. Still can't really talk in big groups, mainly because they're chatting drunken sh*te while I'm sober or talking football, which I've no interest in, but that's beside the point.

I got over most of my shyness when I started working first at a petrol pumps when I was younger then in a bar later on. Pumps got me talking to strangers, usually about the weather, then the bar got me talikng to customers, usually telling them they weren't right. Then my current job involves meetings that I sometimes have to host/chair so basically I gradually built up to talking to larger groups.

True I'm still crap talking to women since I just ramble to them instead of chat them up, but it works sometimes as I've seen other guys who are at the same and I think they just get kissed to shut them up.

If you can talk to guys you can talk to women, we really just get in our own way when it comes to the opposite sex and end up acting and saying what we think we should out of nerves I suppose.