Wanted to share advice!

Zhavey

I wanted to share my story and advice to anyone who is struggling coming to terms being LGBT/scared of coming out.

On the evening of the 25th June 2012, I made a very big decision that turned out to be one of the most life altering choices of my 18 years of existence. After years of discovery, self-loathing, pain, fear, it led to the eventual acceptance, personal growth and finally the courage to tell my best friend that I was someone who was attracted to men instead of women.

It was the single toughest thing I ever had to do. I was consumed with fear and the idea of the worst that would be to come. But no, my friend was very passive at this information. A reaction so mild was something that sent me elated and overjoyed. I poured my heart out to him of the years of silence that I endured, and he was there to listen quietly. A weight was lifted off, somebody knew, I felt free.

Why should anyone who is attracted to the same sex or some variance of the sexuality spectrum do anything about it? Why should we question ourselves and bother investing the effort? I find it is one of the most important things to do if you want a life of freedom and peace. I believe strongly that you have the option to your happiness. Is being honest with yourself a key to it? Most certainly.

From people online and in public, that they are gay but they are too afraid to make it known to their friends and family, maybe sometimes even themselves (“I’m just interesting in trying something different. I’m not gay.”) People are too afraid of rejection, the idea that they will be shunned away forever. Granted, people have unique cases but it seems all the same to me; where people are afraid to questioning themselves, afraid of change, frightened to grow and become a better person in case someone or something will say something to them.

Coming out initially was the closing of one chapter and the beginning of another. I had just finished my Leaving Certificate exams and the summer waited to me, for the independent world of college to be around the corner. It was a scary and interesting transition, with leaving the school system and saying goodbye to school people to a world in the big city where I was an unknown nobody. It was frightened, but also insanely liberating.
With this new courage and confidence heading to college that I could be an honest and truthful person – I found it bode well. I was able to attract wonderful friends who enjoyed me for all that I was, flaws and differences included. I felt at times, I was almost seen as a leader among my peers when people came to me for advice on certain issues. They knew that they could depend on my honest and truthful opinions. It’s a nice feeling. While life throws its curveballs at times, things look bright.

This is why I would encourage anyone who is struggling to delve into themselves and question who they are and what makes them happy or not. Its fully important that we have the best possible lives. As I quote listening to the podcast “Reset your life”: there is only a finite number of ticks that we have, before our heart stops and we stop living. After that, what do we have? We never will know for sure until the tick stops ticking.

Life is too damn short to be worried about people. I spent a lot of my teenager life obsessed with not slipping up in case someone noticed and jeered at me. Ironically, it happened a lot. I was terribly bullied as a child and a teenager, for not liking football like the other boys, for being weird, having braces, wearing glasses, walking funny, accused of being gay, asexual – I received a tremendous amount of abuse. But you know what, I have those war scars (despite them being deeply and emotionally scarring for a long time) and I display them proudly. I learned that people aren’t very smart and are very insecure and tend to only care about themselves – where this leads those so insecure to take it out on themselves. Like those ones calling others you a ******. Need I say more?

I encourage you to look at yourself, if you are ‘in the closet’ – question why are you in there? Are you genuinely happy to remain in there? If so, why, else why? Question hard and question deep. Learn more about yourself. The only true things you have to lose are limiting beliefs about yourself.

I found when coming out, the feeling poured out into many other aspects of life. I felt more happy, got more productive and didn’t feel getting out of bed sometimes wasn’t as much of a struggle as it used to be on some mornings. I know I have the confidence to push for good things in my life. I deserve it as much as the next person. Everyone has the entitlement to a happy good life; we just have to want to have it, with a conscious mind set of getting it. Nothing will happen for you unless you make it happen. You have to seize the day!

I wanted to share this to all those who are stuck in a place where they feel trapped. You have the freedom to do whatever you want, you just have to gain the courage and realise there is better. Mind no one else, it is you and your life, your mental health that matters at the end of the day.

I want to share a story from this board that inspired me so much when I coming to terms with myself. It gave me a lot of courage and brought tears to me due to its moving cotents. To the OP of that thread, where ever you are: thank you. Read it here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=75289873

mackD

That's really nice and thanks for sharing:)

I just wish I came out when I was 18 instead of wasting 10 valuable years of my life when I should have been dating/experiencing relationships.
That is definitely one of my biggest regrets not coming out when I was just about to start college while still in my teens:(

Zhavey

Better late than never.

mr.anonymous

Well done and thanks for sharing

There are a lot of posts on here written by people who are 'in the closet'. It makes a nice change to read a story written by someone who has found the courage to come out.

I told my friend I'm gay just about 2 months after you did. I did it at the age of 20 and I regret not doing it after the leaving cert. I let one of my years in college pass by still carrying the huge fear of telling someone.

It is very good to question yourself. Ask yourself where you are in life and if you're happy. I think you can be your own worst enemy.

I encountered much of the same bullying in school, especially from 1st to 3rd year. You're right - it was from insecure people. When I found out more about those people subsequently, it made a lot more sense. I understood why they would put others down like they did.

I feel I have a long way to go until I reach this image I have in my mind of the life I want. It's a few years down the road. All those that matter would know I'm gay and not care, I would have a career in an area I'm passionate about, and maybe even a big spoon :P

Threads like this bring me closer to changing 'would' to 'will'.

Zhavey

Delighted to hear that. If I knew I was able to inspire one person, I'm delighted. The world is full of opportunity and potential to have what you want. No point in fear.

Tito Man!

Really happy to hear you are feeling better!

I feel so old now. I didn't come out until a few months ago, and I'm 27 (nearly 28)! I have known I was gay/bi for years. But I was too afraid to act. I missed out on so much. But at least I'm out now, I have a wonderful boyfriend and I'm happy. I regret some of the things I missed out on. But I'm happy now, and that's what matters.

It will be all good from here. I hope you have a wonderful time now that you can be yourself.

Congratulations.

playedalive

It's nice to read a good thread like yours here. I only came out as gay/bi in the past year (aged 21) and it has been such a relief of confusion and anxiety off my shoulders. Unfortunately, I had suffered a fair bit of problems with depression and my family, in so far as that I wasn't in the right place to accept my sexuality for what it was/is.

Best of luck with everything!

Seamai

Tito Man! wrote: »

Really happy to hear you are feeling better!

I feel so old now. I didn't come out until a few months ago, and I'm 27 (nearly 28)! I have known I was gay/bi for years. But I was too afraid to act. I missed out on so much. But at least I'm out now, I have a wonderful boyfriend and I'm happy. I regret some of the things I missed out on. But I'm happy now, and that's what matters.

It will be all good from here. I hope you have a wonderful time now that you can be yourself.

Congratulations.

Your still young Tito, (I'm in my late 40's), you still have a long life ahead of you to enjoy, but I know what you mean about missing out on things. I feel that I wasted a lot of energy in my teens and twenties that could have been better spent on other aspects of my life. For me being gay had a huge effect on my self esteem and confidence, I always felt less of a man. Thankfully the support of a great family, friends and work colleagues has helped me no end.

This last year has been a busy one for me. My partner & I are almost finished building a new house and looking forward to moving in together shortly, we've had dealings with all sorts of people from builders, tradesmen, engineers, salespeople, bank staff, you name it. I'm not sure why I was expecting to sense some bit of negativity from at least one or two of the people I'm dealing with but not at all. Even if some of them might be a bit uncomfortable and make a joke behind my back, I don't care, the fact of the matter is that I'm comfortable. Last weekend we were being a new bed, bouncing around, testing them, joking with the sales assistant. As we were leaving I said to my partner "why did I waste all that time and energy years ago?". Back in the 80's I actually didn't think that it would be possible to sit across a restaurant table with another guy without tongues wagging, and here was I buying a bed with a guy and no one was batting an eyelid and that feels really good.

Tito Man!

It's true. I realise I'm still a young man. Mostly. I just have regrets that I didn't come out earlier in life. I missed out on an awful lot. College would have been the perfect time for me.

But, life is funny. Had I come out back when I was 18 or so, where would I be now? Would I be as happy as I am now? Would I have met and gotten together with my wonderful boyfriend? Or would I be with someone else?

I do have regrets about not coming out earlier. But then I think about how different my life could be. For better or for worse. But I am so purely happy with my life at the moment, the regrets are not strong and they do not last. Just idle thoughts that I have the odd time.

Beruthiel

Tito Man! wrote: »

I do have regrets about not coming out earlier.

I always say you should try to never regret anything. Rather, look at it as an experience to learn from.
Because you know what sadness is, you appreciate happiness all the more and when you look at it, you truly see it for what it is.

Annasopra

Beruthiel wrote: »

I always say you should try to never regret anything. Rather, look at it as an experience to learn from.
Because you know what sadness is, you appreciate happiness all the more and when you look at it, you truly see it for what it is.

I agree with that.

I dont see the point in regrets at all.

To me regretting something is holding onto negativity.

floggg

mango salsa wrote: »

I agree with that.

I dont see the point in regrets at all.

To me regretting something is holding onto negativity.

I agree*. I did the whole coming out late thing, but if I didn't do it that way, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

And I like that person, despite his many faults.

I also probably wouldn't have met my boyfriend (or if I did, Id be a different version of me and we might never have fell for each other).

And I like him even more.