Ended relationship due to OH's female friends?

WittyKitty1

I came across this piece of writing online about boyfriends who have a lot of female friends and how it may cause problems in a relationship.

My own boyfriend has many female friends who he regularly texts and one in particular who meets up with and buys christmas and birthday presents for.. most recently he was the only guy on a night out with 6 of his female friends..

TBH, sometimes it does bother me, especially when i read things that men and women cannot be friends as men are only friends with women to 'keep a door open' incase they want to explore it romantically...

So, has anyone ever walked away from a relationship purely based on the fact you felt uncomfortable with your OH having a lot of female friends ?


Here is the piece I'm referring to:

"Is it worth it to you to be in a relationship where you're constantly worrying that your man's female-friends are going to make him cheat? Does the happiness of your relationship outweigh the amount of time you stress about his relationships with other girls? If you already told him how you felt, and his actions are still displeasing, it means he's definitely not respecting you.

If after a while your intuition is telling you he's communicating with these female-friends for the wrong reasons, be true to yourself and what your needs are. It might take while to get to that a point. A woman's intuition is usually right nine times out of 10. Don't let them talk you into believing you're completely insecure. If it quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. Your needs are just important as anybody else. If he's not willing to fight for you, he didn't want you anyway. It's not that you're running away from your problems by giving up the relationship. It's that you're taking on what you can handle. Maybe you need a male partner who has weaker relationships with other girls. Maybe your man is simply not giving you enough reassurance that he's fully committed to you, which is driving these doubts about his female-friends. Whatever the case may be, if you gave him and his female-friends a fair shot and still can't let go of the stress, let go of him."


***And i'll just edit it here because some people have taken me up wrong as if i'm asking for advice, i'm not, i'm just interested in the topic. I trust my boyfriend 100%. what i'm referring to is the article and how it bothers me that theres this constant message that your boyfriend might be up to something out there and I'm asking if someone has walked away from their partner like the article piece said above..

WittyKitty1

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

Here is the piece I'm referring to:

"Is it worth it to you to be in a relationship where you're constantly worrying that your man's female-friends are going to make him cheat? Does the happiness of your relationship outweigh the amount of time you stress about his relationships with other girls? If you already told him how you felt, and his actions are still displeasing, it means he's definitely not respecting you.

If after a while your intuition is telling you he's communicating with these female-friends for the wrong reasons, be true to yourself and what your needs are. It might take while to get to that a point. A woman's intuition is usually right nine times out of 10. Don't let them talk you into believing you're completely insecure. If it quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. Your needs are just important as anybody else. If he's not willing to fight for you, he didn't want you anyway. It's not that you're running away from your problems by giving up the relationship. It's that you're taking on what you can handle. Maybe you need a male partner who has weaker relationships with other girls. Maybe your man is simply not giving you enough reassurance that he's fully committed to you, which is driving these doubts about his female-friends. Whatever the case may be, if you gave him and his female-friends a fair shot and still can't let go of the stress, let go of him."

You have to remember, this is ONE person's opinion on male/female friendships, and the author is bringing all their own paranoia/insecurities/experience to that opinion.

There's only one question you need to ask yourself about your boyfriend. Nothing else is relevant.

Do you trust him?

That's it. Nothing else matters except the answer to that question.

cantdecide

Should we believe everything we read? What are his thought on your jealousy when you've discussed it with him?

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

My own boyfriend has many female friends who he regularly texts and one in particular who meets up with and buys christmas and birthday presents for...

A female friend of mine was 'best man' at another friends wedding recently.

At the end of the day he's with you and not them.

Pawwed Rig

It does not seem like a particularly well written piece so I doubt it is from a credible source. The statistics in it are ridiculous and seem to be based on 1 persons paranoia more than any concrete fact.
It pretty much claims 'if you think it, then it is true'.

If you trust your boyfriend and are honest with each other then you should have no problems.

I would recommend gaining your advice from better sources in future.

coffee_cake

Is it worth it to you to be in a relationship where you're constantly worrying that your man's female-friends are going to make him cheat?

"Make" him cheat how? Is he a spineless automaton?
Get away outta that

kiffer

They can't make him cheat anymore than some other guy could make you cheat.
Sure even if maybe one of them is interested in him, maybe she comes on to him... he's still got to choose to cheat.

Do some people cheat? Yes. Do other people make them cheat? No.

Either you trust your partner or you don't.
An untrustworthy partner with no friends of the relevant gender could meet someone in a bar and cheat...
A trustworthy one could have supermodels and movie stars coming on to them and say "wow, I'm flattered but I've spoken for..." and head off home.

meeeeh

The article is pure bs.

I was very often the only or one of two girls in a group of seven or eight people. None of my male friends ever made a pass on me, neither did I fancy any of them. I traveled a lot with some of them, slept in same rooms or even beds and yet nothing happened. My partner became friends with them too and so did the partners of my friends. I really don't know why all the fuss. My bf has some good female friends (all good looking girls) and I never felt insecure around them. My reasoning has been that he is with me and not with them although he knows them a lot longer.

I blame the rom com movies which are anything but realistic about friendships. Most good friends don't end up sleeping with each other, very often the feelings are closer to the ones we feel about our siblings.

WittyKitty1

Ah perhaps I have worded my piece wrong.. I trust my boyfriend completely! In my above statement I said it bothers me when I read pieces of writing saying men and women cannot be friends as he has many girlfriends and I was just asking if anyone had walked away from their partners because of such- I wasn't asking for advice on my own relationship.

strobe

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

it bothers me when I read pieces of writing saying men and women cannot be friends

Well there's your problem.
That shouldn't bother you. Pieces like that are more than likely written by paranoid, insecure women and/or a man who for some delusional reason think "well I am x, therefore every other man must be x".

Obviously men can be friends with women without having any sexual/romantic interest in them whatsoever. Just like they can be friends with men without having a sexual or romantic interest in them.
It is (or at least should be) entirely self apparent to anyone thinking rationally and walking around with their eyes open.

fits

I always think its a very good sign when a guy has good female as well as male friends actually.

MissFlitworth

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

In my above statement I said it bothers me when I read pieces of writing saying men and women cannot be friends as he has many girlfriends and I was just asking if anyone had walked away from their partners because of such

No, they're just opinion pieces. '9/10 times a woman's intuition is right' type stuff is just balls. When I was younger I had the vague feeling that people who wrote about relationships had some special insights or qualifications behind them but then came blogs and anyone at all being able to publish their opinion in a way that implies it's fact, followed by a spell working in publishing and realising that much content written for women's magazines is either sneaky advertising or pure scare-mongering **** designed to fill the pages between the actual advertising and give the magazine a decent '10 Things you MUST KNOW' type headline. So I don't take written pieces on relationships at all seriously unless I know something about the person who wrote them (and even then, not that interested in other peoples opinions on my relationship).

[Completely off topic but the hyphenation of 'female friends' in that article wrecked my head!!]

baby and crumble

Jaysis if I started at that my poor gf wouldn't be allowed any friends considering she's bi! Where on earth would you be going? Nobody dictates who I can be friends with, and if they did they'd soon get a shock.

Get Real

I think it would be utterly ridiculous to end this relationship purely because your bf has lots of female friends.

Most likely what this boils down to is you having trust issues with him.

Has he cheated?

Do you think he will?

If so why?

If these were guy friends would you mind?

If no, why break up.

Does he love you/show you affection/do you enjoy time with him?

If yes, why break up.

If you flip this around for a second, men who want to dump a gf for having too many guy friends would be berated for being possessive, old fashioned, controlling and sad.

Legs.Eleven

Genuinely, I'm happier my boyfriend has female friends than not. His best friend is a woman. He sees women as equals and not as simply as people to sleep with and have relationships with, which many men (and women) do. He gets along great with women and understands them because they're not alien to him hence why I get along great with him and things work very well between us.


If you trust the person you're with, you'll have no problems with who he befriends.

Get Real

Get Real wrote: »

I think it would be utterly ridiculous to end this relationship purely because your bf has lots of female friends.

Most likely what this boils down to is you having trust issues with him.

Has he cheated?

Do you think he will?

If so why?

If these were guy friends would you mind?

If no, why break up.

Does he love you/show you affection/do you enjoy time with him?

If yes, why break up.

If you flip this around for a second, men who want to dump a gf for having too many guy friends would be berated for being possessive, old fashioned, controlling and sad.

Tbf, the OP has clarified that she trusts her boyfriend completely, and that it's just that that sort of article bothers her. She's not looking for personal advice.

OP, just don't read that sort of thing if you know it'll bother you, and enjoy your relationship. I think it's nice he gets on with women, it's a good sign.

Get Real

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Genuinely, I'm happier my boyfriend has female friends than not. His best friend is a woman. He sees women as equals and not as simply as people to sleep with and have relationships with, which many men (and women) do. He gets along great with women and understands them because they're not alien to him hence why I get along great with him and things work very well between us.


If you trust the person you're with, you'll have no problems with who he befriends.

Well said :) couldn't agree more

Snoopy1

I would have major issues if my other half had lots of female friends.
I dont think men and women could be friends. All guys ive ever been friends with has tried it on.
Maybe im paranoid but if my boyfriend was constantly texting and meeting other women I wouldnt be happy and id feel he was comparing them to me ( but then I feel like most days)
Im probably in the minority here

XxMCRxBabyxX

I just don't understand this idea that men and women can't be friends. How could you even lead a normal life with just one gender of friends?

Most of my best friends are guys and we work off each other. It helps to have the PoV from the other gender and you have to be able to talk to the other gender for day to day life. I couldn't imagine being friends with all girls. I'd hate it

My boyfriend has plenty of female friends too and I'm glad that he does. I don't want myself and his mother to be the only females he knows. He needs more than that.

Catari Jaguar

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

Whatever the case may be, if you gave him and his female-friends a fair shot and still can't let go of the stress, let go of him."

And he'd be well shot tbh. From the perspective of the female friend.

I have loads of male friends. Always have. One of my best friends is male. We are very close and get on well, have tons in common, understand each other and care about each very much. We work together too. I don't want to go out with him or fcuk him and vice versa. I am with my fiance for 9 years and he with his girlfriend for 7 years. My fiance accepts our friendship & is supportive - if it makes me happy then he is happy.

My friend's girlfriend cannot get her head around the idea that we are friends. She has said untrue things about me & my relationship. Accuses me of only being with my fiance until someone better comes along and trying to "worm my way in" to steal her boyfriend. She doesn't even know me and hasn't tried to get to know me. All she knows is that she hates me and can blame me for anything that goes wrong in their relationship.

He looks for advice and confides in me. He probably shouldn't but hasn't any one else really to talk to. Says she has low self esteem, I guess she can't accept his love for her and pushes and pushes him to get a reaction maybe? To see will he fight for her? If he did defend me or lose the rag I guess she could be like "Oh you never loved me. You have feelings for her. I knew it" This of course, would be untrue but at least she could save face and pretend to herself that her jealous, paranoid, bullying behaviour was justified.

I try to be understanding, patient, supportive but just get so emotionally drained because am constantly drawn into their shiit, it's frustrating going in circles. She publically & drunkenly had a go at me (I didnt react) in front of his/her/my friends saying I rely on him for emotional support (my brother died 2 weeks before) and she's uncomfortable with out friendship. I backed off, deleted him on FB (she noticed and told him). We fell out for a bit because I was sick of their drama & needed to grieve, it was uncomfortable at work. She continually hassled him asking if I as talking to him again. We patched things up. At the weekend she had another go at him there accusing him of cheating on her with me. On his birthday. In front of everyone. (Except me, obviously I wasn't allowed be there). I know for a fact that he would never ever cheat on her.
Eugh, I am ranting.

I don't like being portrayed as a homewrecker. Can't back off cos when I stop hanging out with him we are miserable. I don't see why I should be bullied out of having a friend especially if he wants me in his life. He's in a terrible position stuck in the middle, someone is always hurt.

Wompa1

Snoopy1 wrote: »

I would have major issues if my other half had lots of female friends.
I dont think men and women could be friends. All guys ive ever been friends with has tried it on.

So right now you don't have any male friends?

Snoopy1

Wompa1 wrote: »

So right now you don't have any male friends?

All my colleagues are male and I have seen enough

XxMCRxBabyxX

Snoopy1 wrote: »

All my colleagues are male and I have seen enough

Seen enough?

Does that generalisation of men, whatever it is, cover your OH too then?

Snoopy1

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Seen enough?

Does that generalisation of men, whatever it is, cover your OH too then?

Ive seen what theyre like on night shifts, ive seen them on nights out.
An to be honest it has affected how I see men in general

iwantmydinner

I feel genuinely very sorry for anyone who thinks men and women cannot be friends.

Men are great, women are great. Both make great friends and you're missing something major if you shut out one entire gender.

Also, it's very weird that you want to have boyfriend, but don't want male friends, or want to have a girlfriend, but don't want female friends. IT makes literally zero sense.

Get Real

Candie wrote: »

Tbf, the OP has clarified that she trusts her boyfriend completely, and that it's just that that sort of article bothers her. She's not looking for personal advice.

OP, just don't read that sort of thing if you know it'll bother you, and enjoy your relationship. I think it's nice he gets on with women, it's a good sign.

My complete apologies, got the context completely wrong :rolleyes: