Single & worried that this is it...

CatsandWine

Am I alone in thinking that I'll NEVER meet another boyfriend, and it'll be just me for the rest of my life...me and a plant I call Fred, thats half dead..

Is anyone else worried that they wont get married and have children (which is something I really want for myself)?

I'm 31, just incase you're wondering...:rolleyes:

lufties

Being a bloke the same age as you, I see my friends around me settling down..its annoying, but i'm not just gonna settle for someone i'm not fully comfortable with..try online dating op, its great, as you dont need to frequent pubs in the hope of finding someone.

CatsandWine

I've tried the online dating, the last date I went on was with Mr. Octopus Hands who kept inviting himself back to my place, I had to tell him to get the boat...

I have been in a few long term relationships in the last 15 years, the last one ended a year and a half ago, and since then I havent been asked out or even really met someone I'd like to ask out myself

I thought that by now I'd be married and thinking how to poison my husband and keep his life insurance, like all other girls around me

viota

I feel the same way =/ Ive tried online dating.Hasnt worked out due to the amount of creeps i met. Ill end up a crazy cat lady

December2012

CatsandWine wrote: »

I've tried the online dating, the last date I went on was with Mr. Octopus Hands who kept inviting himself back to my place, I had to tell him to get the boat...

I have been in a few long term relationships in the last 15 years, the last one ended a year and a half ago, and since then I havent been asked out or even really met someone I'd like to ask out myself

I thought that by now I'd be married and thinking how to poison my husband and keep his life insurance, like all other girls around me

Are you going to write off a while method of meeting people (when you want to meet somebody) because of one guy?

ash23

I don't feel that way even though I've been somewhat unlucky in love. I look at other people who have found their significant other and they are no different to me. There is no reason I won't find someone.

In fact, the reason I probably haven't is because I wasted a number of years in a relationship with the wrong person because I was too afraid of being on my own.
Once it ended I became very accepting of my single status and actually enjoyed it. I got into another relationship a few years later but it didn't work out. Starting from scratch again but I've no doubt I'll meet someone and have another relationship in the future.

Why wouldnt I? I'm epic

nokia69

CatsandWine wrote: »

I've tried the online dating, the last date I went on was with Mr. Octopus Hands who kept inviting himself back to my place, I had to tell him to get the boat...

I have been in a few long term relationships in the last 15 years, the last one ended a year and a half ago, and since then I havent been asked out or even really met someone I'd like to ask out myself

I thought that by now I'd be married and thinking how to poison my husband and keep his life insurance, like all other girls around me

keep trying with the internet dating, they can't all be as bad as octopus hands, and at a least from the start you know they are interested, more or less

but then again you could meet someone when you least expect it

Neyite

ash23 wrote: »

I don't feel that way even though I've been somewhat unlucky in love. I look at other people who have found their significant other and they are no different to me. There is no reason I won't find someone.

In fact, the reason I probably haven't is because I wasted a number of years in a relationship with the wrong person because I was too afraid of being on my own.
Once it ended I became very accepting of my single status and actually enjoyed it. I got into another relationship a few years later but it didn't work out. Starting from scratch again but I've no doubt I'll meet someone and have another relationship in the future.

Why wouldnt I? I'm epic

Me too. My dickhead radar was on the blink for years, and too fearful of ending up alone I was regularly miserable with the wrong person. But, I'm glad that I'm not afraid of being alone any more. I'm in a wonderful relationship, but I know that if it ended for whatever reason, I'd be ok after a normal enough grieving period.

I met this guy when I was happy being single, happy in my own skin. And I firmly believe thats why it worked and why we are together nearly a decade. I think that before, my loneliness (and probably neediness) got in the way. Up until then I used to think "how can I make him happy" when I met someone, but then prior to this relationship, I worked on myself a bit. I knew it was for the better when I asked myself "does he make me happy?"

lufties

Neyite wrote: »

Me too. My dickhead radar was on the blink for years, and too fearful of ending up alone I was regularly miserable with the wrong person. But, I'm glad that I'm not afraid of being alone any more. I'm in a wonderful relationship, but I know that if it ended for whatever reason, I'd be ok after a normal enough grieving period.

I met this guy when I was happy being single, happy in my own skin. And I firmly believe thats why it worked and why we are together nearly a decade. I think that before, my loneliness (and probably neediness) got in the way. Up until then I used to think "how can I make him happy" when I met someone, but then prior to this relationship, I worked on myself a bit. I knew it was for the better when I asked myself "does he make me happy?"

thats interesting, and you are right, you have to be comfortable in your own skin.

I recently met a hot girl and we had a few dates, I stupidly paid for dinner 3 times to win her affections due to being insecure, and of course when she gave me my p45 i was angry and frustrated thinking to myself 'but i was so nice,funny,gentlemanly' lol..i bumped into her last night in the early hours and she was bringing some guy back to her place. I definately made a lucky escape

Neyite

lufties wrote: »

thats interesting, and you are right, you have to be comfortable in your own skin.

I recently met a hot girl and we had a few dates, I stupidly paid for dinner 3 times to win her affections due to being insecure, and of course when she gave me my p45 i was angry and frustrated thinking to myself 'but i was so nice,funny,gentlemanly' lol..i bumped into her last night in the early hours and she was bringing some guy back to her place. I definately made a lucky escape

[massive generalisation alert] You sometimes see guys baffled at this - that they treat a woman well, like insisting on paying for dinner, drinks, being agreeable and thoughtful and so on. Then when dumped, wonder why "women only go for bastards" and not the nice guys like them.

The problem is there that its not that women go for bastards, but its that the nice guy has no self worth, and has no opinion on anything unless it agrees with his dates opinion and that gets boring very quickly. In my younger years I had a "nice" guy and he drove me cracked. Even when I was moody and mean, he not only excused my bad behaviour, but apologised for setting me off! I had to decide everything - where to go, what to have for dinner, what to even get in the weekly shopping. If I asked him what he fancied doing at the weekend all I ever got was "whatever you want to do is fine with me" His whole existence seemed to be soley to make me happy-his wants and needs didnt even feature, even if asked. And I hated it.

I got tired of being on his pedestal and I did leave him and take up with a stereotypical bastard. (that didn't work either, surprise surprise!) But my point was that you don't have respect for a person who takes whatever sh!t you throw at them, male or female.

My current partner is a nice guy, in that he is kind and thoughtful and not a player, but the key difference is that he is no pushover, and very much his own man. So I think it boils down to self esteem and assertiveness.

I think it can be similar for women. Trying too hard to be the perfect girlfriend for someone who is just not worth the effort to the extent of your own happiness and self esteem is never going to be a fulfilling relationship.

YumCha

lufties wrote: »

I definately made a lucky escape

Um what? I don't get how you seeing her with someone else means you had a lucky escape

You can't "win someone's affection" - you can certainly do nice things to show you're interested, but at the end of the day it's their choice, and no one is entitled to reciprocate just because you did x or you were all a, b, c, and d.

Back on topic but I'm mid-30's and have just met someone after doing online dating (on and off mind you - lots of off when i just got frustrated with it!) for around 1.5 years.

It does take a LOT of time and energy, and I had many, many terrible dates in the beginning, but then I improved my bull****/dickhead detector and started going on mostly better ones - even though they were few and far between.

The difference is that now I don't want to get married, and I'm meh about having kids - I wasn't like that in my 20s, but these days I'm more driven about being in good, healthy relationships as opposed to wanting to get hitched.

stratowide

Neyite wrote: »

[massive generalisation alert] You sometimes see guys baffled at this - that they treat a woman well, like insisting on paying for dinner, drinks, being agreeable and thoughtful and so on. Then when dumped, wonder why "women only go for bastards" and not the nice guys like them.

The problem is there that its not that women go for bastards, but its that the nice guy has no self worth, and has no opinion on anything unless it agrees with his dates opinion and that gets boring very quickly. In my younger years I had a "nice" guy and he drove me cracked. Even when I was moody and mean, he not only excused my bad behaviour, but apologised for setting me off! I had to decide everything - where to go, what to have for dinner, what to even get in the weekly shopping. If I asked him what he fancied doing at the weekend all I ever got was "whatever you want to do is fine with me" His whole existence seemed to be soley to make me happy-his wants and needs didnt even feature, even if asked. And I hated it.

I got tired of being on his pedestal and I did leave him and take up with a stereotypical bastard. (that didn't work either, surprise surprise!) But my point was that you don't have respect for a person who takes whatever sh!t you throw at them, male or female.

My current partner is a nice guy, in that he is kind and thoughtful and not a player, but the key difference is that he is no pushover, and very much his own man. So I think it boils down to self esteem and assertiveness.

I think it can be similar for women. Trying too hard to be the perfect girlfriend for someone who is just not worth the effort to the extent of your own happiness and self esteem is never going to be a fulfilling relationship.

Best post I've read here in a long time,you really have hit the nail on the head there.Confidence in yourself is key to maintaining a relationship.

Itwasntme.

CatsandWine wrote: »

I've tried the online dating, the last date I went on was with Mr. Octopus Hands who kept inviting himself back to my place, I had to tell him to get the boat...

I have been in a few long term relationships in the last 15 years, the last one ended a year and a half ago, and since then I havent been asked out or even really met someone I'd like to ask out myself

I thought that by now I'd be married and thinking how to poison my husband and keep his life insurance, like all other girls around me

Sorry this is OT but that was just funny!!

--LOS--

gawd no I would never worry about that sh1t, I don't want kids or to get married though, plenty of people around me getting engaged when they've only been with their oh a fraction of the time I've know mine, I just think they're mad.

clairefontaine

I know people who really want to find someone, others who really want to get away from those they found, some are jealous of widows, but all in all it seems that happiness is always what you don't have.

I'm somewhat indifferent to all of it, especially romance, as every choice has its costs, hidden, personal and otherwise, so I have a ver passive backseat approach and attitude to all of this. Solitude is the devil I know, so there is security in that too.

lufties

YumCha wrote: »

Um what? I don't get how you seeing her with someone else means you had a lucky escape

You can't "win someone's affection" - you can certainly do nice things to show you're interested, but at the end of the day it's their choice, and no one is entitled to reciprocate just because you did x or you were all a, b, c, and d.

Back on topic but I'm mid-30's and have just met someone after doing online dating (on and off mind you - lots of off when i just got frustrated with it!) for around 1.5 years.

It does take a LOT of time and energy, and I had many, many terrible dates in the beginning, but then I improved my bull****/dickhead detector and started going on mostly better ones - even though they were few and far between.

The difference is that now I don't want to get married, and I'm meh about having kids - I wasn't like that in my 20s, but these days I'm more driven about being in good, healthy relationships as opposed to wanting to get hitched.

lucky escape as in she was a total princess and ice maiden to boot, not anyway engaging or interesting, she was hot though i'll give her that. no im not bitter that i was rejected im just giving my account of it.

lufties

Neyite wrote: »

[massive generalisation alert] You sometimes see guys baffled at this - that they treat a woman well, like insisting on paying for dinner, drinks, being agreeable and thoughtful and so on. Then when dumped, wonder why "women only go for bastards" and not the nice guys like them.

The problem is there that its not that women go for bastards, but its that the nice guy has no self worth, and has no opinion on anything unless it agrees with his dates opinion and that gets boring very quickly. In my younger years I had a "nice" guy and he drove me cracked. Even when I was moody and mean, he not only excused my bad behaviour, but apologised for setting me off! I had to decide everything - where to go, what to have for dinner, what to even get in the weekly shopping. If I asked him what he fancied doing at the weekend all I ever got was "whatever you want to do is fine with me" His whole existence seemed to be soley to make me happy-his wants and needs didnt even feature, even if asked. And I hated it.

I got tired of being on his pedestal and I did leave him and take up with a stereotypical bastard. (that didn't work either, surprise surprise!) But my point was that you don't have respect for a person who takes whatever sh!t you throw at them, male or female.

My current partner is a nice guy, in that he is kind and thoughtful and not a player, but the key difference is that he is no pushover, and very much his own man. So I think it boils down to self esteem and assertiveness.

I think it can be similar for women. Trying too hard to be the perfect girlfriend for someone who is just not worth the effort to the extent of your own happiness and self esteem is never going to be a fulfilling relationship.

you're post seems very popular and i agree with it, but i actually know it already as i actually have invested money in this subject and yes you cannot put someone on a pedestal, i dont, iwould consider myself a good guy but not a pushover. getting back on topic though, it is incredibly hard to meet a match. i have had a lot of dates lately and it has been i'm not into them or vice versa.

Mrs Garth Brooks

I know im going to find the love of my life at a dog shelter

mentaaal

Hi, you've just got to have patience keep looking. I am in the same position as you. I have just come out of a 7 year long term relationship and for the last few months it feels like I am just invisible to everybody. I am trying the whole online dating gag at the moment but getting someone's interest is proving challenging!

Anyway, hang in there!

beks101

What good will worrying about it do for you though? If anything it will probably exacerbate the issue, you'll become overly anxious about not meeting someone and give off the wrong vibes to anyone who you might have potential with.

I'm 28 and relationships just aren't on my radar right now. I know they say "it happens when you least expect it" blah blah blah but I can say with 90% certainty I won't end up in a relationship any time soon. I'm very good at clocking out of the dating game & ignoring the attention when I get in this mindset, it's a mode Im familiar with, usually provoked by a bad break up, sometimes other personal issues.

I'm really enjoying being single this time round, despite the ever increasing circle of serious relationships, engagements etc around me. For one, there's the freedom from headfcuk and heartache, which has been a feature of my love life for the last while. And I just don't feel like being vulnerable or emotionally available right now, so Im investing my energy elsewhere. Going to the gym a lot. Spending lots of time with friends. Meeting lots of new people. Trying to figure out my career.

I know that once the "light switch" turns back on, I'll get out there again, but there's a lot to be said for having that extra time to get to know yourself that bit better, to sieve through your personal issues, to invest your time in becoming a version of yourself that doesn't need external validation to be happy.

I'm sort of realizing too that I settled for a type of guy and behaviour that wasn't a positive force in my life the last time, probably because of an underlying self worth issue, so being single this time means doing what I have to do to make sure that doesn't happen again. Singledom is great for reflection and perspective on previous relationships.

Don't focus on it so much OP. I know, easier said than done, but try instead to better yourself in some way. Get fitter, learn a new skill, educate yourself in some way, start a blog. I think the positive energy you exude when you're trying to become a stronger, better rounded person gives you a demeanour that's more likely to attract the right type. You smile more, you're more open, more comfortable in your own skin. As opposed to a self conscious anxious type who's motivated by the fear of ending up alone. Who wants to meet someone like that?

leahyl

beks101 wrote: »

What good will worrying about it do for you though? If anything it will probably exacerbate the issue, you'll become overly anxious about not meeting someone and give off the wrong vibes to anyone who you might have potential with.

I'm 28 and relationships just aren't on my radar right now. I know they say "it happens when you least expect it" blah blah blah but I can say with 90% certainty I won't end up in a relationship any time soon. I'm very good at clocking out of the dating game & ignoring the attention when I get in this mindset, it's a mode Im familiar with, usually provoked by a bad break up, sometimes other personal issues.

I'm really enjoying being single this time round, despite the ever increasing circle of serious relationships, engagements etc around me. For one, there's the freedom from headfcuk and heartache, which has been a feature of my love life for the last while. And I just don't feel like being vulnerable or emotionally available right now, so Im investing my energy elsewhere. Going to the gym a lot. Spending lots of time with friends. Meeting lots of new people. Trying to figure out my career.

I know that once the "light switch" turns back on, I'll get out there again, but there's a lot to be said for having that extra time to get to know yourself that bit better, to sieve through your personal issues, to invest your time in becoming a version of yourself that doesn't need external validation to be happy.

I'm sort of realizing too that I settled for a type of guy and behaviour that wasn't a positive force in my life the last time, probably because of an underlying self worth issue, so being single this time means doing what I have to do to make sure that doesn't happen again. Singledom is great for reflection and perspective on previous relationships.

Don't focus on it so much OP. I know, easier said than done, but try instead to better yourself in some way. Get fitter, learn a new skill, educate yourself in some way, start a blog. I think the positive energy you exude when you're trying to become a stronger, better rounded person gives you a demeanour that's more likely to attract the right type. You smile more, you're more open, more comfortable in your own skin. As opposed to a self conscious anxious type who's motivated by the fear of ending up alone. Who wants to meet someone like that?

Your posts always make so much sense beks101:)

I have been extremely down lately about not meeting anyone especially since I don't have any relationship experience myself but I'm beginning to wonder am I even ready to meet anyone. Don't get me wrong, I really want the whole husband and kids thing but I think I need to sort myself out first and get a bit more confidence before I throw myself into a relationship.....oh where to begin with gaining more confidence in myself

x Purple Pawprints x

CatsandWine wrote: »

Am I alone in thinking that I'll NEVER meet another boyfriend, and it'll be just me for the rest of my life...me and a plant I call Fred, thats half dead..

Is anyone else worried that they wont get married and have children (which is something I really want for myself)?

I'm 31, just incase you're wondering...:rolleyes:

I'm only 24 but I'm sort of half thinking like this. But I think it's just because I'm only 6 months out of my first relationship. Lasted two years and the break-up wasn't pretty. Really I'm just scared of getting hurt again. It's more like a "What if?" type of thing. I'm terrible at explaining this type of thing. It's at the back of my mind that I won't be with anyone again.

Recently I've lost a lot of weight and I've gained confidence so I understand that aspect. My (total) lack of confidence was an issue through the whole two years and it was undoubtedly a contributor to the end of the relationship. Among a whole range of other issues. My focus was keeping him happy and not being happy myself. It was like "if I say this he won't be pleased" or "if I tell him I have a problem with something he does he'll break up with me". Which did end up happening but I think it needed to happen.

scobysnacks

I'm a mid thirties woman. I am married with no kids. I live in a developing country(that I hate) with my husband. I have no life, no career anymore (as locals don't hire foreigners) and virtually no friends. I have never been so miserable in all my life. I have come to terms with the fact that I can't spend the rest of my life here. Also sadly I have to leave my husband as he will never move to Ireland.

The thing that terrifies me about moving back to Ireland is that all my friends and siblings are married with kids or kids on the way. They don't have time or the money to socialise anymore. I have come to terms with the fact that there is a good chance that I will never have a family and I am OK with that. I also know that I could be single for a very long time. However, I don't want to be sitting in every night alone, and have nobody to go to dinner/ the cinema/etc or on holiday with. What do people in a similar situation to me do to socialise? Is there meet-up groups around Dublin?

vitani

leahyl wrote: »

Your posts always make so much sense beks101:)

I have been extremely down lately about not meeting anyone especially since I don't have any relationship experience myself but I'm beginning to wonder am I even ready to meet anyone. Don't get me wrong, I really want the whole husband and kids thing but I think I need to sort myself out first and get a bit more confidence before I throw myself into a relationship.....oh where to begin with gaining more confidence in myself

This is me. I'd like to meet someone and I do look around me at my friends, who are beginning to settle down and get married and think 'oh, that would be nice'. But honestly, I recently realised that I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to share my life with somebody yet - I still have to do a lot of living for me.

I'm saving up for a deposit on a place of my own at the moment, and I can't wait until myself and my daughter are in a place together and I can live exactly as I want to. The thought of having to share a house and compromise on everything with a boyfriend or husband is so unappealing at the moment.

scobysnacks wrote: »

The thing that terrifies me about moving back to Ireland is that all my friends and siblings are married with kids or kids on the way. They don't have time or the money to socialise anymore. I have come to terms with the fact that there is a good chance that I will never have a family and I am OK with that. I also know that I could be single for a very long time. However, I don't want to be sitting in every night alone, and have nobody to go to dinner/ the cinema/etc or on holiday with. What do people in a similar situation to me do to socialise? Is there meet-up groups around Dublin?

Sorry about your situation. Meetup.com is quite active in Ireland atm - there's tons of groups on that for whatever hobby you have.

But don't rule out the friends with husbands and kids either. I have a young child and I still love spending time with friends. I'm not as able for the late nights any more but dinner/the cinema etc is always welcome. Sometimes you get sick of being Mammy.

McChubbin

My view is that I think of myself as being too weird for the normal "neuro-typical" men/women out there and when I've tried dating in my spectrum (my ex had worse Aspergers than myself) I got so badly burnt that it put me off relationships for a very long time.
Whilst I wouldn't rule out the possibility of romance in the future, my past experiences have caused me to become overtly cautious and cynical about my prospects. That said, I try not to get too cynical- I'm talking to people via FB and OKCupid but nothing has ignited my loins or fueled my senses enough for me to say "Okay, girl., Time to get back out there and mingle!"
I do have a backup plan though. If I'm still single at 35, I'm going to look into my options regarding sperm donation (as I've mentioned in previous posts). It'll be a lonely road to travel but I'm in a place where I feel I don't need a partner to make my life complete. Still, it's ten years away so who knows what could happen.
I'm still waiting for Tom Hiddleston to notice me... :P