Keeping a social circle as you get older?

um7y1h83ge06nx

Have many of you reached the stage where your social circle is shrinking?

In the last year or so I have really noticed it, I'm meeting up and keeping in touch with friends a lot less. I think we all share the blame on that one. I guess we have reached an age (I'm 30) where people do quieten down and settle down a bit, serious relationships and work take up more time. Marriage is popping up on the horizon for some of us and possibly kids after that.

With other friends we have just moved locations and are now farther away or even in different countries to each other.

For example last week I met up with two friends, who live only about 2km from me. However it was the first time we have gotten together in at least 5 months. Work, girlfriends, sport and probably some laziness was to blame.

A few years ago I had a very busy social life so it's not like I was always quiet on that front.

So have you noticed your social circle shrinking as you get older? And if so, did you try and fight against it or go with the flow?

Sleepy

Yep, though I've seen quite a bit of the lads over the last 2 years due to the number of them getting married (stag weekends and the weddings themselves). As we're drawing to an end with it, one of the lads has just fired around an email asking if everyone was interested in organising a couple of weekends camping every year for us all to meet up and it got a great response. I'll see some of the guys who live closest to me more frequently than that but with finances being tight, even heading back to Galway for a weekend where my mam would be happy to babysit becomes less do-able between the price of petrol and a night in the pub.

riveratom

Ronald CoolS Hairline wrote: »

Have many of you reached the stage where your social circle is shrinking?

In the last year or so I have really noticed it, I'm meeting up and keeping in touch with friends a lot less. I think we all share the blame on that one. I guess we have reached an age (I'm 30) where people do quieten down and settle down a bit, serious relationships and work take up more time. Marriage is popping up on the horizon for some of us and possibly kids after that.

With other friends we have just moved locations and are now farther away or even in different countries to each other.

For example last week I met up with two friends, who live only about 2km from me. However it was the first time we have gotten together in at least 5 months. Work, girlfriends, sport and probably some laziness was to blame.

A few years ago I had a very busy social life so it's not like I was always quiet on that front.

So have you noticed your social circle shrinking as you get older? And if so, did you try and fight against it or go with the flow?

Very interesting that you've posted this, as I've only been thinking about this the past couple of weeks or so - it has happened big time!

A few of my friends are living abroad, another has moved across the country, and then on top of that all of my mates are in relationships bar one (who I would only see very occasionally and isn't the most sociable chap!). We still love him though :P

Then with others, maybe it is a combination of laziness or disinterest, but you would never hear from them and even if you strike up a conversation over email / text, it tapers off and goes nowhere. That's not in a negative way mind, it's maybe just down to the factors I mentioned above, and possibly others. That said, is it really that much effort to spend 5 minutes writing an email or 30 seconds replying to a text?

Facebook's newsfeed is now 'babyfeed' or 'weddingfeed', or possibly a combination of both. I definitely feel that people are getting more 'serious' of late. There are no suggestions for nights out, unless I make them!

I'm a sociable guy and am looking at other avenues now such as Meetups, I ain't hanging around for my mates to call, as that ain't gonna happen!

endacl

Hey! Maybe they're waiting for you to call?

b318isp

I found that when the kids arrived, things changed rapidly. This happened for my friends too.

It wasn't until they were more grown up that I was able to get back to the hobbies, interests and friends I had in my twenties.

Pepe LeFrits

Yeah. A lot of my friends are settling down and/or emigrating. I'm also 30.

I wasn't able to go but a bunch of my friends organised drinks at one of their places followed by an excursion out to a NIGHT CLUB last Saturday. I capitalise night club because that's the way they put it, like going to a NIGHT CLUB was such a unique and massive occurrence... which in fairness, it is now.

Although, I never really was much into the clubbing thing anyway, so I don't miss it much. I actually generally prefer tagging along on my friends' more wholesome, coupley activities. Makes it harder to meet girls though. Have nobody in Dublin to watch football with anymore either.

um7y1h83ge06nx

endacl wrote: »

Hey! Maybe they're waiting for you to call?

True, although in fairness I do put in an effort to keep in touch, although when you are just calling/texting/messaging it's hard to keep up that link. Finding a mutually handy time for everyone to meet up can be difficult.

riveratom wrote: »

Facebook's newsfeed is now 'babyfeed' or 'weddingfeed', or possibly a combination of both. I definitely feel that people are getting more 'serious' of late. There are no suggestions for nights out, unless I make them!

I laughed at this one, so true!

In fairness I probably haven't tried to establish new social circles. Once I left college my only new circles were work colleagues. And apart from the first place I worked, the other places have had an older crowd that are in the marriage and kids phase. Great bunch for a work night out but their personal lives are so busy with their families it often seems that work nights out is their only real free time.

And I haven't joined any clubs/societies/groups since I left college so what do I expect really!

I have promised myself that I'm going joining an outdoors/hiking/climbing club in September when it starts up again.

I'm not really moaning about it, it's just good to know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Starokan

Its like anything it takes a bit of effort from all parties. Myself and the lads I grew up with always try and meet at least twice a year where its an organised meet up ; usually head off somewhere for a night or two. Great fun and the build up is always a laugh.

Throughout the year some of us will meet here and there but its very hard to get the group together unless something specific is organised

Flimbos

I've noticed this too. There can be a lot of factors. People settling in different area, so they're not all as close together as they once were. Finances can also be a big factor. And obviously, once kids come along, that changes everything!

Also, as people get older, their definition of fun can change. The default get-together for my social group would have been a night out when we were younger. Now, the idea of going on the beer wouldn't appeal to as many.

I think people need to make more of an effort and get more creative with this as they get older. Some good ideas on this thread.

CastorTroy

I've never been the most sociable person but even less so now due to being the last remaining single guy from my crowd who still lives in around here. I get invited out some nights with them saying something like "Come on out with Mary and myself. You won't be intruding" No matter how much you emphasise that I won't be a third wheel, I'll still feel like one. And as I don't drink, going to a bar on my own wouldn't exactly be a done thing.
Still meet up occasionally but getting everyone to agree to something is near impossible.

beauf

I don't think its that people change. People just get busier as they get older and have commitments, so simply don't have the free time or the spare cash to go out as much as they would want to.

OnTheCouch

beauf wrote: »

I don't think its that people change. People just get busier as they get older and have commitments, so simply don't have the free time or the spare cash to go out as much as they would want to.

Yes, but I believe not as busy as they would like you to think a lot of the time. Unless children are involved, in which case, yes it's going to be extremely difficult to see old friends on a regular basis.

I have written quite a lot about this phenomenon in other threads, in my opinion the whole going out less is a mixture of actually being busier, just getting lazier with age and societal pressures. I do believe the latter is the most significant.

This seems to be generally a male thing, my female friends of my age are quite happy to go out even mid-week if I give them a bit of warning. Not quite the same with men though. I am one of the only single ones left and for the rest, even though only two are married out of ten or so, it is very hard to get them together to do anything. A lot of them don't live here any more of course which doesn't help, but even the ones that do are usually fairly reticent to arrange anything, if I give enough notice they will come out, but it is generally always me instigating matters.

As Starokan said, there usually has to be a major event, such as Christmas, or a stag do or a wedding for everyone to get together. I sometimes try and arrange meet-ups with the whole group on other random weekends, but nearly everyone always pulls out, which is disappointing.

Now I would be quite happy to meet up even a couple of times a week (my unemployed status means I can't really afford to do more than once atm), but my friends generally don't see things like this. In the unlikely event that they come out two weeks in a row, they almost certainly won't do three for instance. As far as I know, only one or two of them have particularly demanding jobs, so it's not really work demands either that prevent them coming out.

So why is this? Well I don't know for sure, some might say the girlfriend puts her foot down and wants to dissuade her man from socialising often. This might be the case for one or two of them, but most of my friends' partners are reasonable people, so I don't think they would be too bothered. I imagine it is more societal pressure, thinking once a man has hit 30, he should be acting responsibly, not drinking every weekend, staying out late, concentrating on being a decent human being, prioritising his relationship over everything else, essentially becoming the so-called 'provider.' Rightly or wrongly, there are implicit messages coming at us from society in general that socialising is what you do when you are young and that you should 'act your age' over 25 let's say. Of course there is the laziness aspect as well, if you are in a relationship and can't be bothered going out, saying 'I am busy' or 'I have a cold' sounds a lot better than 'I can't be asked.'

I don't think this is the case with every group of friends, but I am glad to see with this thread that I am not the only person who is suffering from this problem in their own social group!

eviltwin

It happens to women too. I don't see people half as much as I used to, a lot are no longer close enough to make it possible, money is an issue too. I'm the only one with kids so that's not an excuse.

I think its a combination of things. First when it comes to organising a night out there is so much work to be done to pin down a date that suits everyone that sometimes its not worth the hassle, I think nights out in general are so rare some couples prefer to keep them as date nights and I think a lot of the time its just that we've kinda outgrown each other.

I'm at a stage now where our old nights out of pub followed by a club are just boring now but other interests I have don't interest my friends so I have had to use sites like Meetup to find a new social circle. You should give it a go if you are at a loose end.

beauf

I think people have a habit of looking at things from their own perspective, and not really appreciating what others are able to afford, or have the time, or the interest in. Why not offer to treat you friends to something they want to do.

April O Neill

Ronald CoolS Hairline wrote: »

Have many of you reached the stage where your social circle is shrinking?

In the last year or so I have really noticed it, I'm meeting up and keeping in touch with friends a lot less. I think we all share the blame on that one. I guess we have reached an age (I'm 30) where people do quieten down and settle down a bit, serious relationships and work take up more time. Marriage is popping up on the horizon for some of us and possibly kids after that.

With other friends we have just moved locations and are now farther away or even in different countries to each other.

For example last week I met up with two friends, who live only about 2km from me. However it was the first time we have gotten together in at least 5 months. Work, girlfriends, sport and probably some laziness was to blame.

A few years ago I had a very busy social life so it's not like I was always quiet on that front.

So have you noticed your social circle shrinking as you get older? And if so, did you try and fight against it or go with the flow?

My fella is 30, and he and all his friends are great for meeting up, arranging poker nights, playing football together and whatnot.

But rather crucially, most of them are single and live in the same area. It'll be interesting to see what happens if more of them pair off, especially if marriage and kiddies follow.

Have to say though, I don't get why some people stop meeting up with friends when just in a relationship, no kids. My fella goes out all the time, and why wouldn't he? Admittedly, he does have more Saturday nights on the sofa with me, a film and some cans than he used, but still gets out at least a couple of times a months, and plays football twice a week.

CastorTroy

It's because of that noise kids listen to today.

Seriously though, I've noticed something could be organised which everyone says they'll go to then when it comes closer people start dropping out until it gets to the point that there's not much sense really going ahead with it and it just ends up being you and 1 or 2 others that you see all the time anyway.
This happens a number of times in a row so then people stop organising things.

And also simply laziness as has been said. I'm guilty of this as well when get home from work or even just on a day off, get comfortable watching tv then just can't be bothered getting ready and leaving the house.

OnTheCouch

CastorTroy wrote: »

Seriously though, I've noticed something could be organised which everyone says they'll go to then when it comes closer people start dropping out until it gets to the point that there's not much sense really going ahead with it and it just ends up being you and 1 or 2 others that you see all the time anyway.
This happens a number of times in a row so then people stop organising things.

Ha yeah, that sounds like exactly what happens to me.

Sleepy

A plain old lack of cash can be a major feature too. When I was 23/24 and had first moved up to Dublin I'd have been back in Galway every second weekend or so, now I'm lucky if I make it home for a weekend more than 3/4 times a year and it tends to be for major events (weddings, engagements, significant birthdays etc.). With things the way they are, a tank of petrol, the money for a night out in the pub and a babysitter isn't something can be afforded every month, particularly if there's something significant on closer to home that month too.

Going out to the pub in Ireland is expensive and tbh, not something I can afford every week. I have tried to encourage my more local friends to come over to ours for dinner/drinks as I'd be a reasonable cook and dinner for a gang and a few bottles of wine is far cheaper for everyone but not everyone's up for it or certainly wouldn't be as often as we'd like them to be!

The Corinthian

Ronald CoolS Hairline wrote: »

So have you noticed your social circle shrinking as you get older? And if so, did you try and fight against it or go with the flow?

People get into serious relationships, which means their priorities change and they need to split their time between their old circle of friends and their new partner, so their social availability decreases. When children appear, it further shrinks.

Distance is another factor, in that many emigrate or move out of the local area or have to move for other professional reasons.

And truth be told, you get older; I can't go on a three day bender like I could when I was 23. One night out on the town and I'm wiped for at least 36 hours. More often than not, I'd rather just have a quiet night in.

How you deal with it is by keeping in steady contact; I have a group of friends, that I've known since college and we're all on a mailing list - one emails the list and it's disseminated to us all. As such, there's discussion, news or even joking around almost every week.

And you have to make an effort; what's stopping you from saying "anyone interested in a few scoops next Friday or Saturday"? You'd be surprised how many will say yes.

You can always make new friends too, of course. But if you can't keep your old ones, you won't be able to keep the new ones for long either. So bare that in mind.

April O Neill wrote: »

Have to say though, I don't get why some people stop meeting up with friends when just in a relationship, no kids.

Some women actively discourage their men from doing so. After all, if some or most of their friends are still single, they're a reminder (i.e. temptation) of a former life.

Why do you think there's often an obsession with some women to 'fix up' their husband's/boyfriend's/their own friends with someone the moment they're in a stable relationship? Or that single (especially single female) friends are quietly 'pushed out' of the social roster, while couples remain?

leahyl

To be honest I can't wait until I (hopefully) meet someone and don't feel like I have to go out every weekend - lets face it, single people whether they admit it or not, the main reason they go out most weekends is in the hope of meeting someone. Yes, they go to meet up with friends also and I do enjoy that but I feel a sort of societal pressure from the whole "going out" thing to meet your future husband!

Perhaps a lot of people who are paired off now feel that way - maybe they never liked "going out" in the first place and the sole purpose was to meet someone.

I'm being very negative; I don't think I'm getting my point across....:pac:

Sleepy

It'd certainly explain why so many relationships end up in trouble if your experience is common-place: if one person's going out to "find someone" while the other enjoys having a few beers with his mates and they get together, is it any surprise that they both end up miserable when he realises she saw his pastime as a means to an end and resents that he'd rather be in the pub on a Saturday night than watching a rom-com at home with her on the couch...

April O Neill

The Corinthian wrote: »

Some women actively discourage their men from doing so. After all, if some or most of their friends are still single, they're a reminder (i.e. temptation) of a former life.

Some women do indeed do that. And some men pretend their women do that, as it's a handy excuse, instead of admitting they're just not arsed that evening or whatever. I'd be pissed off if I was ever portrayed like that.

As for the pushing out of single, esp. single friends. Can't say that's something I've much observed yet.

The Corinthian

April O Neill wrote: »

As for the pushing out of single, esp. single friends. Can't say that's something I've much observed yet.

I've observed that it tends to happen after marriage - it's most noticeable amongst the girlfriend's/wife's own friends; those in relationships get invited to dinner parties, BBQ's and other 'couples' social events, while the single one's get increasingly left off the invitation lists. It's actually quite chilling to see.

clairefontaine

hb

April O Neill wrote: »

Some women do indeed do that. And some men pretend their women do that, as it's a handy excuse, instead of admitting they're just not arsed that evening or whatever. I'd be pissed off if I was ever portrayed like that.

As for the pushing out of single, esp. single friends. Can't say that's something I've much observed yet.

Ive noticed it. Im not sure if its a status thing,
as in married women have more, therefore single women unworthy of inclusion, or if single women are a threat.

Although ive also noticed that singles often dont enjoy the company of couples either.

April O Neill

The Corinthian wrote: »

I've observed that it tends to happen after marriage - it's most noticeable amongst the girlfriend's/wife's own friends; those in relationships get invited to dinner parties, BBQ's and other 'couples' social events, while the single one's get increasingly left off the invitation lists. It's actually quite chilling to see.

clairefontaine wrote: »

hb

Ive noticed it. Im not sure if its a status thing,
as in married women have more, therefore single women unworthy of inclusion, or if single women are a threat.

Although ive also noticed that singles often dont enjoy the company of couples either.

This might be something I notice more when more people in my circles get paired off. Very few of both my boyfriend's and my friends are even in relationships.

So, I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Legs.Eleven

The Corinthian wrote: »

Some women actively discourage their men from doing so. After all, if some or most of their friends are still single, they're a reminder (i.e. temptation) of a former life.

Why do you think there's often an obsession with some women to 'fix up' their husband's/boyfriend's/their own friends with someone the moment they're in a stable relationship? Or that single (especially single female) friends are quietly 'pushed out' of the social roster, while couples remain?

In my experience, men tend to use their wives as excuses to not go out with their mates. I've had a lot more experience with this than what you mention, particularly as men get older...but often the man blames the wife.

Any man with a bit of back bone wouldn't be so easily bullied by the woman he's supposedly in an equal partnership with and it's a crap reason not to see your mates.

The Corinthian

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

In my experience, men tend to use their wives as excuses to not go out with their mates. I've had a lot more experience with this than what you mention, particularly as men get older...but often the man blames the wife.

That's true, plenty of men do that - I suspect we've all done so at some stage. I know I did (with the blessing of my other half) as a diplomatic way of avoiding someone who had a drinking problem and would try to drag me out five times a week.

Nonetheless, that does not mean women do not also adopt new behaviour patterns.

Any man with a bit of back bone wouldn't be so easily bullied by the woman he's supposedly in an equal partnership with and it's a crap reason not to see your mates.

That's a bit simplistic. If the man had, for example, been away for a stag party the previous weekend, and the subsequent weekend tells his mates he can't come out as he has to spend it with his wife, that's not because he has no backbone, but because he's rightly compromising.

It's not always bullying; sometimes is precisely because they are both trying to balance out the responsibilities in an equal partnership.

.jacksparrow.

Lads its just life and the next stage in life, its always been this way.

wrmwit

This is a great thread.

I'm in my early 30's and my social scene has dramatically changed in the past few years. I lived in Galway for most of my 20's and worked in the construction industry. I was on a great wage, had the weekends to party and anyone who lived in Galway knows that there was always an excuse to go boozing a couple of nights during the week! It was rude not to!

After college, there was a few of us that used to meet up once a couple of months for a good auld session. Now all of us are in our 30's and most are married with kids. One is in oz, one is in London. Another mate works in a supermarket and because of that he works most weekends. I now work casually in a bar also at the weekends. Others are unemployed and cant afford to do much. Things have changed so much it's scary. The only time we meet up is when my mate from oz comes home and we all organise to meet up just for one night, once a year.

I find my wife and her female friends instigate most of the meet ups and as a result, I've got to know her friends husbands and that's our social circle. And the thing is, I'm quite content with that. They're all sound so I enjoy going to brunch, or going to their kids parties, or ordering from an early bird menu.

It's life! Having kids changes everything. Social media makes it easier to stay in touch. With myself, I burnt the candles at both ends in my 20's that I'm only delighted to stay in at the weekends, especially when I have a weekend off. At the moment, weddings and stags are the only sessions I look forward to.

I really noticed during the Lions tour. Since the 2001 tour, I always arranged to meet up with a few lads and go to a pub at 10am. This year, I sat at home and watched it on my laptop, and I was happy to do so.

OnTheCouch

The Corinthian wrote: »

Some women actively discourage their men from doing so. After all, if some or most of their friends are still single, they're a reminder (i.e. temptation) of a former life.

Why do you think there's often an obsession with some women to 'fix up' their husband's/boyfriend's/their own friends with someone the moment they're in a stable relationship? Or that single (especially single female) friends are quietly 'pushed out' of the social roster, while couples remain?

The Corinthian wrote: »

I've observed that it tends to happen after marriage - it's most noticeable amongst the girlfriend's/wife's own friends; those in relationships get invited to dinner parties, BBQ's and other 'couples' social events, while the single one's get increasingly left off the invitation lists. It's actually quite chilling to see.

I certainly have seen one woman like this, as The Corinthian says, it is actually quite chilling to see, although as to the question which is worse, the fact that it happens or the fact that it tends to become an 'elephant in the room' scenario, where no one dares comment on it happening, I am not sure.

Anyway, perhaps other women are more subtle about it and I don't notice them as much, but this one particular lady was quite obvious to me, mainly down to the fact that I was 24 and she was 33 when she got together with my friend, who was a year older than me. For obvious reasons, she wanted to settle ASAP. At the time, I led a very unsettled lifestyle, I was quite into hitting the pub, going travelling at any opportunity, no real life plan at all, certainly not for settling down anyway. I noticed she always seemed a bit on edge around me, like we would get on OK, but I was always aware of a certain uneasiness underneath, as if she could not really relax in my presence. She also used to try to pair up her single female friends, as TC mentioned above. So I may have been seen as a threat.

Now she never had anything to worry about, my friend was the total opposite of me, a very unadventurous, calm individual who thrived in familiar environments and went the other way in unknown settings. Anyway, I could go on all day about what she did, but to wrap it up, essentially she was quite smart about it and waited until I made the inevitable drunken mistake (sadly quite frequent in those days). Then even after apologising I was on my last warning. One day not too long after she gave me enough rope to hang myself with and I once again was too boisterous. She went absolutely crazy, told everyone who was present how much of a disgrace I was, how she didn't want me near her or her family etc etc. I think everyone there knew she was going OTT, but didn't want to say anything.

Anyway, since that day I hardly see my friend and if I do it tends to be for an hour during the day when he is free here at lunch. Perhaps my own fault to a large degree, but I still find it shocking how simply because I was not with a long term girlfriend and in no way stable at all, how she seemed to want to remove me completely from his circle of friends.

As for wrmwit's post, yeah it's quite staggering how things can change over a couple of years. I don't know do kids make the biggest difference, but it's interesting how you say that your wife makes most of the social arrangements now. I would also find my female acquaintances more willing to do this than their male equivalents.

Although going to a pub at 10 am! Wow. I couldn't even do that when I was 18 I think!

Flimbos

Another reason for this could be the whole phenomenon of couples who are joined at the hip and cannot seem to do anything individually. I think there's a good thread on this in R&R.

I've had recent experience of this unfortunately. A few of us were planning to catch up for the first time in ages, and a good friend, who had planned to come along with the missus, cancelled at the last minute because something came up and she couldn't make it.

There are always family engagements to attend which will take precedence when you're in a relationship, but minor issues shouldn't stop old friends catching up.

Thankfully, any relationship I've been in has been healthy enough for us to be able to pursue our own interests and see friends, whilst also spending plenty of quality time together.