Lazy girlfriend

LegacyUser

my girlfriend just sits at home and does not even try looking for a job, we don't live together but still this annoys me, she doesent seem to want to work and hasent had a job in 5 years, I work hard every day, and Its getting me down that she makes no effort to work, when I ask her about it she says there is no jobs out there, and that's the only reply I get, any advice?

Chucky the tree

Dump her. It's be impossible to go 5 years and not find a job(and do no courses, volunteering etc) unless you simply have no interest in one.

discus

Awh man, you can't stay with her. You know this!

LegacyUser

its not like I give her money or anything she gets 200 a week on the social so pays for own things, but its just the way she has no interest in getting a job and makeing a better life for herself

December2012

How long are you going out?

LegacyUser

we have being seeing each other for over 3 years..

LegacyUser

I can understand how you feel when your going out and working hard each day and your girlfriend of 3 years is making no effort to get any type of job.
It is easy to say there are no jobs out there but how does she know this when she has not sent out a cv in 5 years.

I know it is hard to get work at the moment as I have been looking for a while.
Where I live there is little employment but I keep applying for both part time and full time jobs. I have decided that if I don't get work locally within the next few months I will do a long commute for a while just to get back to work.

I am sure over the past few years you would like to have gone on holidays ect but could not due to her lack of money.
Does she expect you to pay for everything when you go out? Does she borrow money from you? Are the rest of her friends in some type of work?

At this stage I would tell her that unless she starts to make an effort to get back to work it will be over between you. I would tell her to do some course and to try and get a job bridge position. She needs to work hard doing this so she can at least get some current on her cv.
I would advise you that it will be hard for her to get work after doing nothing for the past 5 years but why should you be there for someone who is not willing to help themselves.

LegacyUser

we go on holidays in Ireland, she is good with money so saves a little bit from her dole each week to fund things like this, no if we go out she always helps pay for stuff and never scabs of me im in a good paying job so its not really about the money, its a about her lifestyle she gets up at noon, watches tv, doesent even go for a walk just mopes around the house all day, all her friends are working so she has no1 to meet during the week

PucaMama

If shes not living with you right now and your not giving her money then id say its none of your business. Is it impacting on your life at all?

hsianloon

Definitely not a keeper. Its just a reflection of her worth, not that jobless people are worthless, but her refusal just shows how lazy she is.

Day she stops living in her house.....who do you think is going to pay for her bills .You , the boyfriend...

You deserve better. Better to have wasted 3 years than the next decades of your life. Shes going to be a poor mother to children with her couldn't care less attitude

Casillas

If you do end up living together it'll be more irritating.

My flatmate spends most of the day in bed on her laptop. It's awful seeing someone with no ambition just wasting every day.

Maybe you could drop a few hints about a college course she'd be interested in or offer to help her find work?

PucaMama

hsianloon wrote: »

Definitely not a keeper. Its just a reflection of her worth, not that jobless people are worthless, but her refusal just shows how lazy she is.

Day she stops living in her house.....who do you think is going to pay for her bills .You , the boyfriend...

You deserve better. Better to have wasted 3 years than the next decades of your life. Shes going to be a poor mother to children with her couldn't care less attitude

Ridiculous. How would any of ye know what kind of a mother she will be.

hsianloon

PucaMama wrote: »

Ridiculous. How would any of ye know what kind of a mother she will be.

Because she can't even take responsibility of her own life ? Wouldn't place my trust in someone like that. Mothers spend more time with children than fathers in majority of families. Not exactly an upstanding citizen. Maybe you think shell have a change of heart and a baby in hand will make her men's her ways, but personally I wouldn't gamble on that.

Each to his own anyway

PucaMama

hsianloon wrote: »

Because she can't even take responsibility of her own life ? Wouldn't place my trust in someone like that. Mothers spend more time with children than fathers in majority of families. Not exactly an upstanding citizen. Maybe you think shell have a change of heart and a baby in hand will make her men's her ways, but personally I wouldn't gamble on that.

Each to his own anyway

You do no the boyfriend isnt having to pay for her? Shes harming noone. Whats to mend? Plenty of worse people out there than her.

hsianloon

PucaMama wrote: »

You do no the boyfriend isnt having to pay for her? Shes harming noone. Whats to mend? Plenty of worse people out there than her.

Maybe we should ask him it she's on the dole. If she is, she is harming my pocket. That's called a parasite, people who sit at home and do nothing while claiming benefits.

PucaMama

hsianloon wrote: »

Maybe we should ask him it she's on the dole. If she is, she is harming my pocket. That's called a parasite, people who sit at home and do nothing while claiming benefits.

Is your pocket all your worried about in life? The girl could well be depressed but everyone's only worried about the money.

hsianloon

PucaMama wrote: »

Is your pocket all your worried about in life? The girl could well be depressed but everyone's only worried about the money.

If she's depressed it isn't my call to sort it out. Much less pay for her. In this economic climate, yes, my pocket is something is something I'm concerned about.

Robbing Peter to pay Paul, people who sit on the dole impact on our quality of life. More money spent on them, less to go around on other essential services.

I don't happen to have a tree shedding 24k gold leaves

King Krib

Its easy to understand where Op is coming from. We all know somebody who sits on their arse at home while they happily get by on social welfare. Fair enough some people can't work or genuinely can't find a job. But for these people who sit at home bleeding the system by choice I have no time for. Op you can do better... Rant over..

Est28

I can only agree with the people who say dump her.
This is what some people do, they have no ambition, no drive, no motivation and clearly the OP isn't one of those people, so why would you want to spend your life with someone who is so totally out of sync with you.

As someone said, it sets the tone for the relationship going forward. She is probably the type to just want you to marry her and look after her. Is that REALLY what YOU want? Wouldn't you prefer a girl who can take care of herself without needing you.

Also, on the dole comments. It's a seperate issue but if that's where she's getting her money and not even trying to get a job, I'd have a huge problem with that. We all know people in hard times but if someone's not even bothered, I can have no time for them.

You're not obligated to stay in this position OP, sounds like you need to find someone more in tune with your own life... believe me, it will be a better relationship. I've had girls like this in the past and they just drain the life out of you. (as well as money and everything else eventually), they are totally dependent.

Lastly, somoene mentioned depression. Can we PLEASE stop using that as an excuse for every stupid or bad thing someone does. We don't know she is depressed, there are NO signs of it from the OP's post and even if she WAS then the root cause would probably be sitting at home all day instead of being up and about and active and having a life. It's no excuse for not helping yourself.

The Corinthian

zigggggy wrote: »

its not like I give her money or anything she gets 200 a week on the social so pays for own things

I'd double check that if I were you. When one person is substantially more wealthy than the other, then inevitably they end up paying for the other person. They may not even notice doing so; buying dinner for both every now and then, more expensive presents, paying for taxis or drinks the majority of the time, and so on.

I'm not saying that this is definitely the situation with your relationship, only that often we don't realize when this happens.

but its just the way she has no interest in getting a job and makeing a better life for herself

While in this case the 'lazy' party is female, I would have to stress I've seen the genders reversed as often as not.

There are probably two reasons why this bugs you; first your philosophical view and hers are diametrically opposed - you clearly have a work ethic, and she clearly rejects it. And this can be as decisive as a couple who might have diametrically opposed views on religion, morality or politics.

Secondly, it's because you know that the relationship can never progress. You can't realistically move in together. Or marry. Or start a family. Why? Because even if you had no problem with financially supporting her, such is her attitude that you rightly fear that she would contribute nothing in return:

Fast forward five more years and you marry and have a child together, for example. You spend the whole day at work, including overtime, because you have to support three people now. When you get home, the place is a pigsty, because you've not been able to do any housework this week. You could do so now, but you have to cook dinner for yourself and take over care of your child. By comparison, her input at home is minimal, slipshod and begrudging.

Regardless of gender, that is a nightmare scenario for anyone to end up in.

I'd agree with others as a result, also because there's no 'good' future in the relationship; end it and move on.

username123

hsianloon wrote: »

Maybe we should ask him it she's on the dole. If she is, she is harming my pocket. That's called a parasite, people who sit at home and do nothing while claiming benefits.

Then why dont you lobby to change the system - which is whats at fault, not the individuals who simply follow the rules of how to claim social welfare.

If you dont like that people can claim for year after year and not bother to look for a job - then get the system changed.

If you did any research at all you would know that Jobseekers is not the biggest spend of the social welfare system - but why let the facts get in the way of a good rant eh?

And dont bother asking why this girl does not want to work - there could be mental health issues, low self esteem, or any other number of reasons why. You are not in her shoes - so why not lay off the judgement?

woodchuck

You realise if / when you move in together she'll be means tested against you? You might not be paying her way right now, but you will be then...

LegacyUser

well I feel it is my business that she has no interest in ever getting a job, and is so lazy she never does a thing all day, shes not depressed as we talk about everything and she is always in good form when we meet up!!

rainbowtrout

username123 wrote: »

And dont bother asking why this girl does not want to work - there could be mental health issues, low self esteem, or any other number of reasons why. You are not in her shoes - so why not lay off the judgement?

Why not take the OP at face value as is normally done in this forum, he's been with this girl for over 3 years and she has never worked in this time. He didn't allude to mental health problems, low self esteem etc. He said she was lazy so she probably is. The OP has a work ethic and she does not. If I was stuck with someone with so little ambition who spent the day arsing around the house and watching TV, I'd get tired of their lack of ambition to do anything fairly fast.

Even if she can't find work and I get the impression that she hasn't made a real effort to find any rather than anything else she could enrol in a course, go to college etc. Plenty she could be doing to improve her chances of getting a job. Sounds like she is lazy and just doesn't want to work and would prefer to live off the social welfare. That attitude drives me cracked.

carzony

5 years is long and i'd say even if she tried she couldnt get a job after all this time unemployed. I suppose college or volunteering is the best option for her really.

I'm not sure if this would bother me but then I seem to be surrounded by unemployed people lately.


Does she have any hobbys? I have been unemployed for 2 years but have attended several courses and kept busy as best I can.

StillWaters

It would bother me, and be a deal breaker. I would have no respect for someone who wished to live their life in this manner. It's not the unemployment really, more the lack of engagement with the world.

renofan

Life is short enough so why live it indoors. Only answers I have is that the person has no drive to use the life given to her, is happy to be lazy or the second answer is she is depressed.

Are you sure she's not depressed? Its easy to hide it. I know because my Father hid it from us for years (I was in my 20's when I found out)

Talk to her and let you know how you feel and ASK her if she thinks she is depressed. But make sure you let her know you see no future for the two of ye if it stays like the way it is now so something needs doing.

JessieJames

To actually suggest that the OP 'dumps' this girl or that she will be a bad mother is sickening, there could be a whole host of things going on in her life (past or present) that we and the OP and maybe she may not be aware of. I would really think twice before suggesting such things. All I can suggest to the OP is talk to her, it's very easy to be cheery and upbeat and still be incredibly depressed or have other things going on. Ask her what her plans for the future are.

The Corinthian

JessieJames wrote: »

To actually suggest that the OP 'dumps' this girl or that she will be a bad mother is sickening, there could be a whole host of things going on in her life (past or present) that we and the OP and maybe she may not be aware of. I would really think twice before suggesting such things.

There are people in life, that for whatever reason, avoid work, responsibility and instead opt for parasitic lifestyles. It's not always caused by depression or some other treatable psychological issue that turns them from industrial, ambitious individuals into couch potatoes; sometimes you can look at their history and all you see is someone who avoided work their entire lives; perhaps having remained in college for years tipping along or repeating exams, often having a history of their parents bankrolling them regardless, and so on. That's not depression, that's just how they are and they were like that long before adulthood.

However, whatever the reason, people with such lifestyles invariably do make bad parents and partners. It's destructive to all around them, regardless of why, and ultimately brings only misery to others.

All I can suggest to the OP is talk to her, it's very easy to be cheery and upbeat and still be incredibly depressed or have other things going on. Ask her what her plans for the future are.

The OP has spoken to her - and she's not interested in discussing it.

And to a degree there's a limit to his responsibility for her mental health; he's made an effort (probably more than once), but if he's not getting anywhere, then what would you prefer for him to do? Sacrifice himself because you don't believe it could be a lifestyle choice?

Maybe he could make one more effort to help her, but there comes a time, when faced with no progress, that you have to call it a day. If he's not at that point, I genuinely believe that he very nearly is and one more effort to 'change' or 'cure' her will simply be a waste of time.

wallycharlo

She is happy to take 200 Euro off the social every week instead of working. Lay blame on the social system because she can get away with this? Perhaps.

Still a sickening attitude though in my book.

carzony

In all fairness this recession is a great excuse if your a lazy bastard. I mean even hard working people are finding it hard getting jobs.

op, why not ask her what she wants to do with her life as in just ask her what her dream job would be. Sounds corny but if it's somthing sensible then you can help her achieve that goal. I mean surely she wants somthing in the future?

If you get a negative response then just dump her because she will never do anything with her life.

JessieJames

The Corinthian wrote: »

There are people in life, that for whatever reason, avoid work, responsibility and instead opt for parasitic lifestyles. It's not always caused by depression or some other treatable psychological issue that turns them from industrial, ambitious individuals into couch potatoes; sometimes you can look at their history and all you see is someone who avoided work their entire lives; perhaps having remained in college for years tipping along or repeating exams, often having a history of their parents bankrolling them regardless, and so on. That's not depression, that's just how they are and they were like that long before adulthood.

However, whatever the reason, people with such lifestyles invariably do make bad parents and partners. It's destructive to all around them, regardless of why, and ultimately brings only misery to others.

The OP has spoken to her - and she's not interested in discussing it.

And to a degree there's a limit to his responsibility for her mental health; he's made an effort (probably more than once), but if he's not getting anywhere, then what would you prefer for him to do? Sacrifice himself because you don't believe it could be a lifestyle choice?

Maybe he could make one more effort to help her, but there comes a time, when faced with no progress, that you have to call it a day. If he's not at that point, I genuinely believe that he very nearly is and one more effort to 'change' or 'cure' her will simply be a waste of time.

I do agree that there is people like this out there, we simply don't know enough about their situation to be suggesting dumping the girl though, it just seems a bit far out. Maybe she has given up looking for jobs because of rejection, this would demotivate anyone, I've been there and know many people who have also been there (ok not for 5+ years) but there could be many reasons here to what's going on. Besides that's just one aspect of their relationship being discussed here and that is that she is to quote the OP "lazy" I'm sure there are many other qualities he must cherishes about the girl if he's been with her for 3 years, I certainly wouldn't suggest dumping anyone because of this, but that's just me.

December2012

The main thing is that they appear to be incompatible with their ways. That is the alarm bell of a relationship.

fits

Breaking up could be the jolt she needs. Agree that its probably the best course of action. Sounds like she is in an awful rut.

LegacyUser

I have asked her what she wants to do the reply is i want to get a job but I cant get one, she did not finish her leaving cert and uses that as an excuse to say that's why she wunt get employed, even tho she did work for 4 years before we knew each other

December2012

ziggggy wrote: »

I have asked her what she wants to do the reply is i want to get a job but I cant get one, she did not finish her leaving cert and uses that as an excuse to say that's why she wunt get employed, even tho she did work for 4 years before we knew each other

So then.... Go get her leaving cert then as a mature student?

Oryx

You can't force her to find work, nor should you. You are her partner not her keeper. The drive to do it has to come from her, otherwise if it doesn't work out for whatever reason it becomes your fault.

Your problem is whether you can continue a relationship with someone who has such a different work ethic. Do her good points outweigh this, and is this a situation you could deal with if you live together and become more financially interdependent?

silentrust

I am thinking regardless of the fact she's a couch potato, if after 3 years you still don't want to live with her then it probably is time to put an end to this.

You're obviously reluctant to take that step at the moment, and even if she did persuade you, you would be simply enabling her lazy lifestyle as she would no longer have to worry about welfare pulling the rug out from under her one day.

Is this the kind of example you would want to set if you had kids? As the previous posters have discussed how do you think she would cope with the demands of being a parent?

loubian

She could be feeling a bit down. If she HAS tried on and off for the last five years, and was not successful, it would be hard to get the motivation to keep trying. And the fact she gets a good bit from the dole means she's comfortable. But having a job, something to do every day, is more beneficial for your mental health. Maybe try talking to her about what she would like to do and give her words of encouragement instead of just asking her to get a job. As we all know, it is hard to get a job nowadays - but obviously i know the only way to get one is to look for one. It's not going to land on your doorstep. I understand it's frustrating, but you obviously care for her, so maybe try a different tactic and see if she would sign up for a course or something.

silentrust

Oryx wrote: »

You can't force her to find work, nor should you. You are her partner not her keeper. The drive to do it has to come from her, otherwise if it doesn't work out for whatever reason it becomes your fault.

Your problem is whether you can continue a relationship with someone who has such a different work ethic. Do her good points outweigh this, and is this a situation you could deal with if you live together and become more financially interdependent?

Well you can make it an ultimatum and when it comes to lazy boyfriends, no one seems to object as much to women laying down the law to them, perhaps because men are still often the main breadwinners in a family and they want to be sure the man can provide for them.

However I agree in this case it probably wouldn't be very strategic and of course you can't grab someone by the scruff of the neck and frog march them to the job centre.

Gongoozler

I'm genuinely shocked at most of the replies on this. The assumptions people make about someone without a job, all from a couple of sentences.

ziggggy wrote: »

my girlfriend just sits at home and does not even try looking for a job, we don't live together but still this annoys me, she doesent seem to want to work and hasent had a job in 5 years, I work hard every day, and Its getting me down that she makes no effort to work, when I ask her about it she says there is no jobs out there, and that's the only reply I get, any advice?

OP, I'm wondering how exactly her not having a job really affects you? I mean, you need to really think about what's bothering you about this. If she was volunteering, would that make it better? If she had hobbies, would that? If she said she never planned to work another day in her life, what is it about that that would make a difference to your relationship with her?

Is her 'laziness' affecting your relationship? Do you find her uninteresting because she doesn't work? Do you want her to have big ambitions? If she got a job as a cleaner, for example, would that be ok with you? And if so, would it eventually bother you that she doesn't plan on being anything 'more' than a cleaner?

I think you need to ask yourself what's really bothering you about this.

The Corinthian

Gongoozler wrote: »

Is her 'laziness' affecting your relationship?

Reasons have been given here for why her 'laziness' does have a direct baring on the relationship in the long term and on that basis it's something that he's wise to 'bother' about. Do you disagree with them?

rainbowtrout

Gongoozler wrote: »

I'm genuinely shocked at most of the replies on this. The assumptions people make about someone without a job, all from a couple of sentences.

Why shocked? Having a bit of ambition and get up and go to do something is an attractive trait. This girl based on the OPs posts appears to have none. She's aiming towards nothing at all. If the OP continues the relationship and actually moves in with her at some point, I would imagine it would create a certain amount of resentment if he comes home from work each evening and finds that she's spent day after day looking at cat memes on the internet, hitting refresh on Facebook every 5 minutes to see what other people have posted and watching Jeremy Kyle and Dr. Phil. Meanwhile she's living off the state without making any meaningful contribution or attempting to. Given that she's on the dole long term, she would be able to keep her dole if she enrolled in a PLC course. She would have a qualification at the end of it, they are only 1 year courses which would enable her to go to third level if she chose. She had no excuse, there are so many routes into education now where she can retain her social welfare payments, not having a leaving cert is not an excuse.

LegacyUser

because im her boyfriend I want her to have a good life and sitting on your arse doing nothing seeing no1 except me and her family members all day, no reason to get up in the morning that affects me as its not normal, and I just want her to better herself,

Gongoozler

ziggggggy wrote: »

because im her boyfriend I want her to have a good life and sitting on your arse doing nothing seeing no1 except me and her family members all day, no reason to get up in the morning that affects me as its not normal, and I just want her to better herself,

you want her to have a good life? have you asked her if she likes her life? maybe she's happy as she is.

it affects you as it's not normal, why does something abnormal have to affect you? you want her to better herself...? if she wants to better herself then you should encourage her. or do you mean you want her to be a better person? she'd be better if she worked..?

The Corinthian

Gongoozler wrote: »

it affects you as it's not normal, why does something abnormal have to affect you?

I suspect that it may affect him should he end up settling down and starts a family, when he finds he's not only carrying that family financially, but as she's a couch potato, carrying the family in every other way.

That definitely will effect him; and not in a good way.

hardCopy

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter whether there's a good reason for her being unemployed. If ziggggggy is unhappy he's under no obligation to stay with her.

Don't worry about whether people think you're being judgemental or anything else. If you're not happy, get out.

LegacyUser

I have a friend who hasent worked in years, and doesent even try to get a job, when were all out at night talking about our week in work etc she struggles to find stuff to talk about as she sits at home on her laptop on facebook all week, I actually feel sorry for her at times,

Est28

I think the OP is just not compatible with this girl and there is ZERO reason why he should be berated for it.

I am what people call a "young professional" and I really have no desire to date someone who is not similar... our lifestyles would clash and yes, this girl is most definitely angling for washing about until some guy marries her her "takes care of her" which is kind of sad relly but some guy will go for it. It sounds like OP is not that guy.

One thing I've learned is trying to change her is a waste of time.

suicide_circus

I'm not what you would call a cut throat yuppie go-getter with my eye on the CEOs chair but I do have some self respect and I like to pay my own way.

OP this girl is by definition living a parasitic lifestyle. without a leaving cert however it will be next to impossible for her to find work in this economy.

if it were me i would tell her to do her leaving cert again or i would break it off so that she could find another layabout like herself and raise a litter of layabout offspring, all at the working man's expense.

silentrust

suicide_circus wrote: »

I'm not what you would call a cut throat yuppie go-getter with my eye on the CEOs chair but I do have some self respect and I like to pay my own way.

OP this girl is by definition living a parasitic lifestyle. without a leaving cert however it will be next to impossible for her to find work in this economy.

if it were me i would tell her to do her leaving cert again or i would break it off so that she could find another layabout like herself and raise a litter of layabout offspring, all at the working man's expense.

Well said suicide_circus - of course going back to school isn't her sole option - she might decide to volunteer for charitable organisations to beef up her CV that way, or do a course which doesn't require a leaving cert like TEFL - I have only limited experience with welfare (each of the three times I've applied I've always found a job before they got their act together and started giving me money) but the staff in Dublin were really helpful with advice about work and training opportunities. Let's hope she makes use of them.