Loneliness

Rick_

It's an awful thing, isn't it? I just can't help but feel lonely, especially this last while. I feel so down. Rarely get to see my friends and when I do they have other things going on with their lives, everyone I know seems to be partnered up and I'm still single, I seem to spend most of my time sitting on my own with nothing to do. My life seems to be at a stand-still whilst everyone else's is charging ahead.

I'm in work here now at my desk and I just feel like crying because I feel so down. I talk to people online to have some interaction with new people and after a while the conversation just fizzles out or guys aren't interested in me, even just to be friends, and I'm back to square one and the cycle repeats. I have tried to build my confidence (and social circle) by going out on my own a few times to a gay pub, but the same thing happens there like it does online. No-one seems interested in talking to me, I'm rebuffed when I approach and say hello to someone and then I just feel even more rejected than I already do. Not really a confidence booster.

I'm not really asking for advice, I just sort of needed to vent this. I feckin' hate my life sometimes. The loneliness is just so overwhelming. It really annoys me and then at times I end up shouting at someone or feeling annoyed about something I shouldn't, just because the loneliness gets to me and makes me react that way. I wish I could want to feel different... feel better.

Norderburse

Hi Paddy C

Can't add much in the line of advice that you won't have read here before. Just wanted to say you're definitely not alone in these feelings, could have written much of that OP myself lately. I've been keeping so busy up until the last month, and maybe I was keeping that busy for a reason but it has all caught up with me now.

It's a rotten feeling, but you're not alone - believe me!

checkcheek

Tbh I'm the same. I'm kinda in a mood lately and I feel like life is passing by

ongarboy

OP, sorry to hear you are down at the moment. Are you member of any club or activity group? Maybe try volunteering with a charity or other non profit organisation. This will give you something to occupy some of your free time and more importantly enable you to meet or interact with new people which is how friendships are formed. It will also give you a sense of purpose and feel good that you are doing something that either benefits those less well off or your community, environment etc.

Also, if you're not doing so already, why not take up some exercises. I run several times a week. Whenever I feel uptight or anxious about something, a run always distracts me and I feel so much better mentally (as well as physically!) after. Running or any sweat inducing exercise really does produce happy endorphins!

Everyone experiences loneliness at some stage or other, even those that appear to have it all.

Tito Man!

Awful feeling. I can relate to it very well.

But it is a fact what others have said. Joining a group of some sort really will help.

I still love playing football. That's not for everyone. But sporting things in general are good. Cycling, running, martial arts, etc are all things that will help you focus your body and mind. You will also meet new people.

You just have to put yourself out there a bit. Making new friends is a tough job. I had to do it all when I moved over here when I was 18. Just bite the bullet. Go out. Join a new club. It doesn't even have to be a sports club. Book club, music club, chess club, photography club, fishing club. Anything.

You will meet new people. Have a new hobby. And it will feel great.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. It's a rotten feeling.

As a temporary fix, listen to some of your favourite music. Music is so therapeutic. Just sit back with some headphones on. Let the world melt away. Lose yourself in the music. Sounds silly. But it works.

Rick_

I actually did listen to some music last night and lost myself in it. I used to do that all the time but stopped for a while so glad I have done it and will try to do it more often. It did make me feel a bit better and I do feel a bit better still today. I can't be the only one who listens to music alone with my headphones on and start to imagine myself performing that song in concert?!

I must try and see if there are any sort of clubs in the area I can join but I don't think I have ever heard of any. If there are book clubs or whatnot I imagine the members are mostly female and probably a bit older than I am, and ideally I'm looking to make friends around my age I can socialise with on a day to day basis outside the confines of the group. I'm nowhere near fit enough to play any sports and don't have that great an interest in any sports (apart from American Football and can't join the local team due to certain people I know and don't get on with already being on it - the rest of the teams are too far away to be viable).

Oh, and the office I work in looks like it may be closing down and I'll be made redundant possibly before the end of the year. That'll leave me with even more time to be sitting around at home doing nothing if I can't find a job, of which there are none in this area. Things always start to look up for a brief period then they fall right back down again. Typical.

bikeman1

Hey Paddy,

Try and stay strong, which is really hard to do from where you are at the moment.

Is there a local scouts group or something that you could get involved with? I am a volunteer with my local group and there is a great community effort going on. It is also a great social part of my life and my friends. A lot of groups are looking for young leaders to help out. They also have a progressive LGBT policy as well.

I recall saying you live in Armagh?? Would you consider moving to Dublin? With an open mind you could meet new people and try new things. There is a good LGBT scene and a relatively accepting city to gay people. With enough notice you could pick up a decent job.

I would also echo what has been said above about excercise. I was in a dark sad place early this year because I lost someone very close to me. I started up running and cycling as well as the swimming I already did as a way to get over it, and it really helped.

Just ideas, you know best what to do.

Rick_

Unfortunately moving is not an option at the moment. Lack of money being the main factor and for family reasons I would need to stay close to everyone.

As part of a get fit regime I have started exercising more along with eating healthier and I go out walking when I can and go swimming too. It's always on my own though. I do see a guy around my age out walking on his own every day and I've also seen him in a local shop looking at computer games whilst I was in, and to be honest he does seem like a bit of a loner. I'd love to have the courage to strike up a conversation with him, mention the walking and suggest being walking/exercise buddies or something, but that to me just comes across as weird/stalkerish so that option is out the window. Could you imagine some randomer coming up to you saying "Hi, I see you out walking every night, I wanna walk with you! We could be good friends!" Actually, he's not too bad on they eyes, maybe I would be better off walking a bit behind him and admiring him from afar after all? lol

Rick_

Oh, and to cap it all off, I am no longer speaking to one of the only gay friends I have after I decided he's just using me and is a selfish prick and I'd had enough of being a doormat, AND a guy I was talking to and getting on quite well with has today, suddenly decided to block me for no apparent reason.

Christ, if I didn't feel alone before I'm certainly feeling it now. I just feel like absolutely nothing is going right for me these days.

I know I'm probably coming across as a moaner but I don't mean to be.

floggg

There will always be excuse not to move, or join a particular group, or to do a particular activity.

If you want to see some changes though, you have to just say **** it and just find a way around them.

Sitting back and waiting for things to change by themselves won't get you far unfortunately.

As for the gay friend, instead of cutting him off why not play him at his own game and use him as you need him. Not for anything malicious but just keep him as somebody to socialise with, without ever putting yourself out there enough to get taken in by him.

You said earlier that you couldn't do a particular activity or join a group because of people you didn't get along with.

Now obviously I don't know the circumstances, but if you keep pulling back every time you encounter opposition or somebody you don't like your going to rule yourself out of a lot of things and opportunities.

Sorry if it sounds blunt, but you just gotta put yourself out there more instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

Oh and I'd recommend exercise too but why not the gym. Even if you have nobody to go with, you'll see other people regularly and you'll feel better about yourself.

Rick_

Well, the friend I have already told to get lost and cut all ties with, I don't need people like him in my life. Plus he wasn't very sociable, and wouldn't go out at the weekends for a drink with me if I asked. He also joked with me a few times about not wanting to be seen in public with me, but I guess that turned out to be true, not some joke amongst friends.

There;s no way I can join the local team as the guy I'm trying to avoid is my sisters ex-fiancé who had been cheating on her since before he even proposed to her. We were close, I would have called him my brother and our entire family felt incredibly betrayed that he was playing us all for fools, especially my sister. There's no way I'd play on the same team as him or even be anywhere close to him without wanting to go over and punch his lights out.

It's OK, be blunt, sometimes that's the best way, but I don't want people to think I'm sitting here waiting on things to change and not doing anything about it. I'm not in an area that has a lot of opportunities to enable me to change my routine and when you're already crippled at times with shyness, doing something new isn't a guarantee of success.

Oh, and I was a member of the local gym but left as I caught ringworm off the changing room floor it was so dirty. The place was run by a pack of arrogant and unhelpful tools and the majority of the clientèle seemed like it too, I hated the atmosphere in it so I left. That's why I go out walking now and swimming when I can.

mackD

I can totally relate as someone who is prone to bouts of loneliness. I think it is quite common for single gays to feel like this so you are definitely not alone OP.
Like I've noticed my social life really dwindle this year, as all my gay friends are in relationships now and don't have time for the scene, so I've had no choice but to head out on my own a lot.

playedalive

OP I can honestly tell you you're not alone. I only came out and accepted being gay this year and I would love to have guy friends of a similar age who I could relate to. But, I do have some good friends who I can open up to, fortunately.

I did join gaydar last week, but ended up deleting it. Lots of dirty old men who want a piece of young meat (Honestly, that's what they make me feel like ). Though, it is quite superficial as a lot of them just want quick meaningless sex. Not the place if you're just looking to meet similar gay guys for a bit of a chat.

For me, I'm just finished college, don't have a job yet so I'm a bit bored out of my tree. I think getting involved in stuff is the best way to go. I'm starting a TEFL course this Monday so that'll help at least to get a job. But, I would like to take up a guitar lesson or even a martial art. Something that leads to doing something cool and meeting people. I think keeping the mind slightly occupied can help in the shorttime. But, accessing support services and places like outhouse can be useful.

Seriously, hang in there. You're not alone!

Sam Tyler

Hey Paddy,

I had a similar thread about a year ago http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=77674013

How are you feeling now ? It's one of those things that can eat away at you and it's so hard to open up to anyone about it. I feel like a failure because I haven't got a partner,most of my friends are paired up . Then you question yourself, is it me ? What is wrong with me ? And so on...

I found coming here and reading your story and what others have said really helped. Mental health is very important so don't bottle it up if you need to vent do it, don't hold back.

With regards to heading out on your own its not for everyone, I'm not very chatty and can find it hard to communicate with people especially in groups I wish I could overcome that. Plus I'm really self conscious. What I'm trying to say is that while you do feel alone you in fact aren't . Not while there is boards!!

Thanks for sharing your story I hope it helped even a little.

Shakti

For what it's worth the loneliest times i've had have been while in relationships, I've sworn off them completely way too much hassle, Being single ****in rocks!

Rick_

Maybe for you it rocks!

I depressed myself this afternoon by looking through my old Facebook messages of people I used to be friends with who I was interested in dating and we were getting to know each other online. They either removed me as friends or some have even blocked me, and the majority were for no reason at all, which I found rather weird, but anyway... They are all now in relationships, with profile pictures of them and their boyfriends kissing or on a fun day out or holiday or just hugging and holding each other and looking so happy and contented.

I've already removed my profiles from dating sites because I didn't want the hassle of another guy messing me about. I'm just sick of always being the outsider and feeling like I'm the one being left out by everyone else because I'm not wanted or am not good enough. I feel like getting up from my desk and just walking out of work and going home or for a long drive somewhere and possibly some crying. I just want to be anywhere but here and feeling any other way but the way I feel right now.

Sam Tyler

Hey Paddy,

Sounds like you had a tough day, I do that sometimes look at Facebook at people I know or used to know . I'm not sure why we torture ourselves like this?

But you know, people might look happy in photos but do you really really know what goes on between two people in private? I've learnt to keep an open mind on something's !

I've dealt with rejection Paddy it's something I would never wish on anyone and its one of the hardest things to put behind you . You have to focus on you and what's important to you. You seem like a decent guy and I'm sure you have loads of fantastic qualities to offer to anyone.

Do something good for you , even if its just buying an t shirt or new aftershave!
Spoil yourself P honestly you will feel good . Do things that put you in a good mood , go for a walk , music . Catch a film! I went to to the cinema alone recently at first I was so self conscious but by the end I realised it was no biggie!

Take care P :-)

Shakti

Well TBH it only rocks sometimes, it can be a bit country and western a lot of the time, I can take comfort in a couple of friend's I'm lucky and thankful for that. I never got into facebook but it sounds like it's winding you up, pictures of people on facebook holding hands is not representative of those peoples actual lives or their relationship's and not sure who said it but......."what other people think of us is none of our business", be kind to yourself Paddy. On the plus side you've got wheels maybe spread your wings a little plenty of time for settling down,

playedalive

Paddy C wrote: »

Maybe for you it rocks!

I depressed myself this afternoon by looking through my old Facebook messages of people I used to be friends with who I was interested in dating and we were getting to know each other online. They either removed me as friends or some have even blocked me, and the majority were for no reason at all, which I found rather weird, but anyway... They are all now in relationships, with profile pictures of them and their boyfriends kissing or on a fun day out or holiday or just hugging and holding each other and looking so happy and contented.

I've already removed my profiles from dating sites because I didn't want the hassle of another guy messing me about. I'm just sick of always being the outsider and feeling like I'm the one being left out by everyone else because I'm not wanted or am not good enough. I feel like getting up from my desk and just walking out of work and going home or for a long drive somewhere and possibly some crying. I just want to be anywhere but here and feeling any other way but the way I feel right now.

Aw Paddy, I know exactly how you're feeling. I have had a lot of those days recently, since I am going through a bad cloud of depression at the moment. As somebody who is in a somewhat similar situation, seriously try to block facebook away from your life as much as possible. I know it's the best way to keep in touch from afar, but it is lethal alongside loneliness and depression. Remember facebook, for a LOT of people, is just P.R. I find it fun sharing happy moments I have with people on facebook, but people take it too far (posting photos every hour of every day...'having a "good time"' :rolleyes:). Even though I know a lot of it is exaggerated, with loneliness, you can easily think that everybody is out having fun every hour of the day.

For the moment I feel facebook is quite addictive and self flagellating if you have depression or are simply in a bad place/rut. As a result, I am trying to stay away from it.

I hear you definitely on the dating site front. I recently tried my hand at it by getting gaydar. I found it very superficial and just plain creepy. Particularly when men old enough to be your Dad want to 'get to know to you' :eek:. A lot of those websites are rarely, from what I can gather and have experienced, the answer to meeting good friends/'normal romantic dating'. After a while, I got sick of it and deleted my account.

Is there any possibility of getting involved in something, that could be a long-term project? If it was LGBT related, all the better!

Tito Man!

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. There is no worse feeling. At all. It is just so horrible.

I can deeply sympathise with the gay dating website too. I had a horrible experience with it. I didn't know what I was looking for really. Admittedly, I was looking for a sexual experience with a man than a relationship. When I was on the site, I had never been with another man. I was curious and, for want of a better word, desperate. It ended very badly for me. And I hated the whole experience.

Like that, I felt sometimes like I was being 'perved' on by some guys. It's not a pleasant experience at all. Well, for me it wasn't anyway.

I really urge you to try and get into a group for sports or an activity. It'll help you more than you think. Tough as it might be. Seriously.

Chin up, and I hope you feel better.

Rick_

Shakti wrote: »

...not sure who said it but "what other people think of us is none of our business"

I don't know who started saying that but I know that RuPaul always says it in interviews when talking about his life, "What other people think of me is none of my damn business". A fantastic quote and one that I'd love to be able to live by, but I can't. I'm a people pleaser. I want to be liked. I've never had that many friends so I treat the ones that I have very well and want them to like me and keep liking me. Because if they stopped talking to me and I was really left on my own, I dunno what I would do... I'm sure people reading that will think that's pathetic but it's true. That's genuinely how I feel. I can't help it, I acknowledge myself that it's not the right way to be, but it works for me (or at least I believe it does anyway) so why would I want to change it now?

I have Friday and Monday off work and have a few things over the weekend to do so hopefully that will keep my mind occupied. I am seriously considering the long drive away somewhere for the whole day option. I'll probably end up having to go on my own but if I got to go somewhere nice and relaxing or maybe even the beach for a walk and a swim all the better.

Shakti

Don't forget the sunscreen,

playedalive

Shakti wrote: »

Don't forget the sunscreen,

This is quite irrelevant to what you said, but the following has been great for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Ash885

playedalive wrote: »

This is quite irrelevant to what you said, but the following has been great for me.

One of my all-time favourite songs. I listen to it every so often; helps with putting things into perspective. Thanks for that!

Rick_

Yeah, I love that song, have listened to it many times. Even let some friends hear it and they really liked it too. It was even number 1 so it must be right! (I do prefer the remix though that's about 2 minutes longer with a girl singing in it).

Shakti

playedalive wrote: »

This is quite irrelevant to what you said, but the following has been great for me.

spot on