Anyone have poor relationships with their family, parents in particular?

Montroseee

My relationship with my parents deteriorated badly from late teens to mid twenties when I moved out. I know plenty of people that were in a similar position, only for things to improve when they got a place of their own and some space. Unfortunately this never happened to me, things improved only slightly. I can't quite look either of them in the eye and there is always a certain awkwardness/coldness.

I know friends who ring their parents on a daily basis and regularly meet up and I'd love nothing more than this. I've been thinking about our situation and come to the conclusion that it is beyond repair .

Anyone else in a similar position with parents, brothers, sisters? etc.

kneemos

Not sure it's a good thing to be too attached to you're family when you get older.

Schwiiing

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Call Me Jimmy

Schwiiing wrote: »

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Montroseee

Schwiiing wrote: »

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Why did you delete your post?

Jamie2k9

Montroseee wrote: »

My relationship with my parents deteriorated badly from late teens to mid twenties when I moved out. I know plenty of people that were in a similar position, only for things to improve when they got a place of their own and some space. Unfortunately this never happened to me, things improved only slightly. I can't quite look either of them in the eye and there is always a certain awkwardness/coldness.

I know friends who ring their parents on a daily basis and regularly meet up and I'd love nothing more than this. I've been thinking about our situation and come to the conclusion that it is beyond repair .

Anyone else in a similar position with parents, brothers, sisters? etc.

I'm sort of the same, but I don't think my parents realise their is an issue here. I don't plan to change it but I think that family is overrated.

policarp

AH might not be the best place for this post if you're asking for advice.

Did you have a happy childhood?

Montroseee

policarp wrote: »

AH might not be the best place for this post if you're asking for advice.

Did you have a happy childhood?

Not looking for advice just a discussion with people in similar circumstance. I did have a happy childhood, there was no abuse or anything suffered, just didn't get on or see eye to eye with my parents. Some people just aren't compatible I suppose.

Sir Osis of Liver.

No,got over puberty sometime during puberty.

tim3000

Everyone in my family hates our mother (including her husband) She is ill though "Borderline Personality Disorder" ruined her life and ours as well.

tommyboy2222

I always wished I had a better relationship with my parents and siblings.

However life isn't like a tv show. We can't always be happy family's.

I think the question here is, is it you that is causing the issue ?

If it is you can change whatever is causing the problem between you and your family.

If the problem is with your family then there's not a lot you can do.

Don't get too down about it though. A lot of us in a similar situation.

daddyorchips

I murdered my whole family

policarp

Montroseee wrote: »

Not looking for advice just a discussion with people in similar circumstance. I did have a happy childhood, there was no abuse or anything suffered, just didn't get on or see eye to eye with my parents. Some people just aren't compatible I suppose.

Sorry, jumping to conclusions.
Hope you get a good debate. . .

The_Valeyard

Think a lot of people have turbulent times with their family during teenagers years.

Once I moved away from home things greatly improved. Maybe sometimes some space and time can be good for both parties.

And now I get to head over for lovely Sunday dinner!!

daddyorchips

daddyorchips wrote: »

I murdered my whole family

So I guess you chose chips.

whatdoicare

I have a great relationship with my dad, we often meet up etc. He's a great guy with a super personality!
My mother, not so much, I pretend to get on with her for the sake of my dad but tbh she makes me angry everytime I meet her with the absolute pig ignorance that she spouts at all times.
If my dad wasn't in the picture I'd probably cut all ties and never speak to her.

Ruudi_Mentari

Montroseee wrote: »

My relationship with my parents deteriorated badly from late teens to mid twenties when I moved out.

thats awful, you must have really missed each other I am sorry to hear that.

Happy to report we a good relationship at home, in general just it can be fiery at times; spicy - paziòne, very temperamental characters.

1shot16

Same thing here.Im 16 and go to boardin school so things only get heated during the summer but i try stay at friends.

Father is always grumpy he wasn't like that years ago kinda miss the old him he couldnt play ball up till a few years ago or anythin coz of his knees he couldnt run.Must spend more time with him but hes always in a bad mood

Mother is grand but she asked me stupid questions all the time being nosy and that ticks me off!

Brothers ok he annoys he alot of the time but we can have good time even though theres 4 years between us!

policarp

daddyorchips wrote: »

I murdered my whole family

Daddy I 8 your crisps.
Sorry. Don't kill me too. . .
I'm just a chip off the old bollo. . .
Sorry Da. . .

jobeenfitz

This is not an easy one to answer. Its different for everyone. We all have different families and different experiences. I would say write them a letter, try telling them how you feel without being too hurtful and at the same time being honest. If you try to do it face to face it will probably end up in a slanging match. If you don't feel like doing this then just let things lie and and let them come to you, or not.

shmalentine

I don't have a very good relationship with my parents. They're quite religious and are very protective of me. As a result I'v never really been myself around them because I don't believe in the way they choose to live their life but I go along with it anyways to prevent a meh relationship from becoming much worse.


I resent them quite a lot, growing up I was always missing out on things and felt very alone at times. I try not think about it but sometimes I can't help it and every now and again I do get upset when I realize how little they know about me and the things/people that are actually important to me.


They are good people at heart, I do love them and am grateful for everything they have done for me because they have been there for me in others ways. I have a decent relationship with my sister though, she feels the same really so we can be there for each other when it gets a but too much at home.

Ah well, sometimes parents are only interested in being your parents and not your friends. I'v learned its best just to keep your chin up, not the end of the world after all.


Whats that saying ? 'You can't choose family but you can choose your pizza toppings'..... or something to that effect...

The Backwards Man

I get on great with my Dad, so much so that he works for me now, which is kinda cool. He's a real easy going type who would always advise you what to do rather than tell you, his advice for the most part is never too far off the mark either. I guess I'm pretty lucky to have a father like that, he's twice the man I'll ever be.

I never got on so well with my mother, me and her had a real personality clash, she was a goodhearted woman and always had the best of intentions, but we never got on, and I'd say it was probably more my fault than hers. She's dead quite a few years now and it's one of my biggest regrets we never got on better.

OP, do your best to reconcile with them if it's at all possible. I know everyone's situation is different, and sometimes that's not possible, but at least you can say you tried.

Festy

No,I have a good relationship with my family,thank God....

Autonomous Cowherd

Because I chose to do my ''own thing'' from 16 onwards, and probably because there was a lot of psychological weirdness going on even before that, I did not get on with my family from late teen-hood. It was a pity. I did everything over the ensuing years to be civil and affectionate, to bridge the gap, but after about 25 years of trying I suddenly realised ''It's not me, it's them''! What a blissful realisation. I stopped feeling crap about myself, stopped trying to make them love/like/respect me and just kept getting on with my own life - but now with a peaceful sense of detachment. Sure, it feels weird not to have the unconditional love of parents, and when i see those who do, i realise how much of a benefit it is to their self-esteem, how it gives them a sense of security in the world, etc. BUT, there is something that comes with the lack of this unconditional love; an existential wisdom, a realisation of the Truth - you come here alone and you go alone. In short, if you accept the facts of this relationship with an open heart, no bitterness, with forgiveness, but also with mature consideration for your own dignity and self-love - it may turn out in the long run to make you a far wiser person than if things had been easy...

Grand Moff Tarkin

tim3000 wrote: »

Everyone in my family hates our mother (including her husband) She is ill though "Borderline Personality Disorder" ruined her life and ours as well.

More than anything the poor woman is sick and would need support.

get on with my mam but not my dad . I love him though

Skuxx

Growing up I always got on fairly well with my parents, my mother in particular! Not so much with my dad but I still wouldn't say it was a bad relationship. Since I get into my 20's and moved out there has been a remarkable improvement in my relationship with both of them, and I'm very grateful for that!
My brother and I on the other hand have never clicked! I don't hate him or anything, we just live two separate lives! I could go months without ever seeing or speaking to him, and we only live 10 minutes apart! This doesn't really bother me to be honest, it's always been the way!

midlandsmissus

yes, my father and I are estranged-his choice. I have spent countless years askibg him to see me to no avail. Its definitely a cause of deep seated anger and sadness in me.

herisson

I get along great with my Dad. I love the man to bits. My Mum on the otherhand is difficult. Really difficult. I have a strained relationship with her. My Dad doesn't like her either. I know deep down I care for her but ultimately the relationship with her is strained.

anncoates

Get on great with my ma.

Not great with my da. Respect and love him but we never really hit it off as friends in adulthood. It's something I should address while he's alive but I have my own kids now.

caustic 1

Poor to say the least, I hold a lot of resentment.

cnocbui

kneemos wrote: »

Not sure it's a good thing to be too attached to you're family when you get older.

I no longer see my parents, or my brother. I never talk to them either.


They are all dead, so I don't have the option.

Manc-Red

I don't speak to my father for various reasons, I'm a man that firmly believes you should respect your parents though & for me to not speak to one of them speaks volumes about the class of person that he is.

Kinda sad really but that's life.

Pherekydes

I haven't spoken to my da for 18 years; my mother for 10.

They're dead to me.

midlandsmissus

yeah I have spoken to my father once in 15 years. Some of us are not blessed with supportive parents behind us. Its why Im such an angry bitter person. How do the rest of you deal with parental estrangement? Are you angry or able to get on with your own lives?

Mysteriouschic

Me and my mum constantly argue over ridiculous things and always have done . I get on ok with my dad.

wolfpawnat

Dad left when I was 4, mother made life hell for him, always wanting more money, resented us as a result, got a new girlfriend, she didn't like me and my sister, had a son (his dream) and married her and lived with her since. Occasionally attempts to come back into my life now that I am older and have a family of my own, but tbh, he wasn't there for me when I really needed and begged for a dad, so he had his chance. It is him who has to look in the mirror and remember why I am not interested. I talk to him from time to time, ask him how he is, but I make no effort to go see him, nor him me.

My mother, well if ever there was a narcissistic sociopath, it is that woman. She never cared about me and my sister, and she made no secret of it. She had us because it was expected, and when my father didn't want to deal with her anymore, we were the perfect pawns to harass him with, in fact, she still does with my sister (under 23 and in college) though there is a very big question of my sisters paternity. When I was growing up I was convinced she loved us, I thought the world of my mother, but when I got a boyfriend who pushed me to better myself, suggesting I try for a better college course, the one I wanted, and telling me I should go out with my friends more (I used stay at home all the time) she started telling me he was abusive and controlling and that my friends thought I had changed and didn't like me anymore.

When I was drunk one night, I stupidly fell and hurt myself, she told the hospital that he hurt me, there was a huge investigation into it, he nearly got arrested!!! But when I decided at 21 I wanted to be a nurse and would leave home to do so, she went insane, I mean locked me into the house, me having to call the guards and break out, insane. I was lucky, my boyfriend, even after all the shít she put him through, supported me. Now I haven't seen her in over 5 years and I have a great little boy and another little one on the way with that same man.

I wish I had had better parents. Raising my own child now, I see neither parent actually loved or even remotely cared about me, but what can you do? Not everyone is lucky with their parents. It has taught me how to raise my kids and to show them that I want to be there for them when they are older and I want them to achieve great things for themselves and I never want to hold them back. I want to be the mother that gets a call every week from wherever they end up in the world and to be told that they are having a great time and they can't wait to come home and see me again. It just saddens me when you see good people with young kids dying young when you know them personally and you know they truly did love them!

snickerpuss

I have a small tight knit family. Brother is one of my best friends and get on great with my parents, particularly now that I'm older. I know it's unusual so I feel so lucky to have that. I hope it's like that with my own family someday.

Garzard

I have an excellent relationship with my family in general, but lately I've been feeling a bit of resentment towards my parents, my dad in particular.

I'm 19 and few months ago I thought about applying to the British Army because I think it looks like a brilliant job and also because the Irish DF takes on very few recruits every year = high competition. My mother didn't like the idea, however my father however criticised me hugely over it, bringing in the Queen, Britain's history here, Northern Ireland, that I'd be turned into ''cannon fodder'' overseas, and because of my fairly quiet personality just isn't suited for the army, end of. All that lark. I've given my reasons to him but he's not having any of it.

Thing is, I've an older brother who's a lot more technical-headed than I am, and he seems to be allowed do whatever he wants and my parents won't criticise him over it. The same goes for my older sister too. Let's say if my brother was considering joining the British Army like me, my parents would be congratulating him and saying ''I'm sure you'll make an excellent soldier son'' etc. Same situation for other jobs and college courses for example - my parents wouldn't mind what my brother and sister might choose, however when it comes to me they'd be questioning my decision and openly doubting my abilities. That's it mainly, I feel singled out a lot of the time and feel like my parents don't have much confidence in me.

Though I'm not considering a career in the BA anymore (mainly because of the criticism) I don't think it's fair that I should have to give up something I might want to do because of the attitudes of my dad, and I'm not getting any younger. While I understand that he's probably only trying to look out for me at the end of the day, I'm still pretty p1ssed off at him over this.

TheBody

I never got on with my mother. She passed away in December. I'm convinced that she had some sort of mental illness. I can't believe that any normal mother could have behaved the way she did.

Me and my Dad are BEST friends. He is simply amazing. I will cherish the time we spent together. Unfortunately, as the years caught up on him he has slipped into dementia. As I type this, he is sitting in his chair. He knows who I am but he is just like a baby and can't be left on his own. It really upsets me to see him like this but at the same time I feel privilaged that I can try to care for him the way he did for me when I was young.

There are 6 others in my family - all much older than me older. I talk to them but we would be close. Apart from meeting up at home, we would rarely if ever visit each other.

Real Life

kneemos wrote: »

Not sure it's a good thing to be too attached to you're family when you get older.

id say thats probably true. im 24 and very close to my parents. to the point if anything happened to either of them i really dont think i could cope with it.
Ive been thinking about it more recently and i think i have to just go away for a while and try have less contact with them so i can get used to it.

Richard Hillman

Not very close to them or my siblings. I would only talk to them about general around the house stuff. When I move out of the house it will be the end of the relationship.

bumper234

I know what you mean op. I have a brother and 2 sisters and i rarely see any of them even though they live close by and would probably text or talk on phone twice a year. Lost my Mom when i was 23 and that hit me hard. Was never really close to my dad and when he got sick i refused to go to hospital to see him. When he died i felt nothing and almost didnt go to his funeral.

Fast forward 8 years and there is not a day goes by where i wish i had gone to see him and talked to him. Wish i could pick up phone and talk to my brother (we were really close when younger) but will never happen. Try to make an effort to talk to them cos trust me you will regret it later on when you realize how much time with them you have lost.

TheBody

bumper234 wrote: »

I know what you mean op. I have a brother and 2 sisters and i rarely see any of them even though they live close by and would probably text or talk on phone twice a year. Lost my Mom when i was 23 and that hit me hard. Was never really close to my dad and when he got sick i refused to go to hospital to see him. When he died i felt nothing and almost didnt go to his funeral.

Fast forward 8 years and there is not a day goes by where i wish i had gone to see him and talked to him. Wish i could pick up phone and talk to my brother (we were really close when younger) but will never happen. Try to make an effort to talk to them cos trust me you will regret it later on when you realize how much time with them you have lost.

Why don't you call him?

bumper234

TheBody wrote: »

Why don't you call him?

Been nearly 4 years since last spoke. Just gets harder the longer i left it.

TheBody

bumper234 wrote: »

Been nearly 4 years since last spoke. Just gets harder the longer i left it.

He is probably thinking the same thing. It's Sunday. He's prob at home. Send him a text to meet up for a pint. What have you to lose?

bumper234

TheBody wrote: »

He is probably thinking the same thing. It's Sunday. He's prob at home. Send him a text to meet up for a pint. What have you to lose?

Dont have his number and i wouldnt do it. Same way he never contacts me i guess we both as stupid and as stubborn as the other.

TheBody

bumper234 wrote: »

Dont have his number and i wouldnt do it. Same way he never contacts me i guess we both as stupid and as stubborn as the other.

I'm begining to feel like Dr Phil :pac: Anyway, I think it's mad. Especially when you don't seem to have had a fight with him. Hopefully one day you both will see sense!!

bumper234

TheBody wrote: »

I'm begining to feel like Dr Phil :pac: Anyway, I think it's mad. Especially when you don't seem to have had a fight with him. Hopefully one day you both will see sense!!

Lol thanks for trying

Have a great relationship with my parents, only left home when I was 23 and didn't even really want to. I'd be on the phone to one of then nearly every day for one reason or another and would go home regularly for weekends and when I have holidays etc.

Call Me Jimmy

I always found it odd having two people who are your eternal authority. A lot of people get caught in the trap of trying to please them (usually subconsciously) when they are no more worth pleasing than any other pair of people in the grand scheme of things.

I barely talk to mine and I live with them I am ashamed to say. I don't think it is all my fault though. Sometimes it's hard without an outside perspective to know for sure who is manipulating whom. Safe to say not the best relationship anyway.