Technology has ruined my relationship

LegacyUser

As the title says, my life is in turmoil due to f**king internet/smart phones, etc

I have just found out my boyfriend of 3 years has been texting, messaging and god knows what with other girls.
He has been on a dating/hook up site, regularly active. He has been showing himself on skype with god knows how many girls. He's obviously pretending he is single and luring those girls into puting on dirty skype shows for him by him showing them. I am so disgusted and so depressed right now. I feel so cheap and dirty that I have been fooled by a lowlife creep.

I have no evidence of him physically cheating on me.

I set up a fake profile on the dating site and messaged him. I asked had he met many people from the site, and he replied "no, I haven't seen anyone I liked enough to meet". He has been on it for ages. He begged me to send him naughty pics. Idiot had no idea it was me.

Right now I feel my life is over. I am a smart, hard working, pretty girl who he in one day has made me feel useless, ugly and pathetic. How could I be a valued person when a man can treat me so worthlessly? I have given him so much over the years, love, respect, money. Now it's all thrown back in my face.

I found out all this when he I borrowd his laptop to print of the airline tickets for a dream holiday we have booked. What do I do now?

Any help guys would be great. I'm so emotional and upset right now

ElleEm

Noone here can tell you what to do, it is up to you, but do you think you can continue to trust and love him, knowing what you know?

And technology didn't ruin your relationship, your boyfriend's lack of respect for you did.

judgefudge

I know how hard it is, been there. But you have to count your lucky stars that you've found out. You know exactly what's going on and I don't see how a relationship could recover this.

Confront him, then leave him. I guarantee in 6 months time you will be glad you walked away. Nobody should put up with this.

MagicMarker

Get rid...

m'lady

Awww you poor thing, nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the person you love. I think you should try take a break from him so you can consider what to do, what way to confront him etc. Shoukd you decide to stay with him there will always be trust issues, so be prepared for that.. Personally I couldn't stay with someone that could do this on me, but that's me. I wouldn't be blaming technology for ruining your life, your bf would possibly have found other ways if he didn't have access to laptop/smart phones etc.

Be kind to yourself, maybe go see a good friend and most importantly DON'T BLAME YOURSELF XX

P.S. been in a similar situation, the man I thought loved and respected me fathered a child with (a tramp) friend of his, was just 'the once' mind you?! Thankfully I had removed myself from him before I discovered this. Move on op, it's not worth it.

LegacyUser

I will be getting rid. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be walked all over like a doormat. My bags are packed and I will be going to my parents tonight.

We rent together and share the lease. How will I deal with that mess? I'm so angry and upset I don't even want to think about the practical stuff right now.

I can't get past the feeling that he thought so little of me he could do something so awful top someone he claimed he loved. How can a man who told me he wanted to have children with me put on disgusting, dirty skype shows for total strangers? I'm sick to my stomach.

CaraMay

It's not your fault, its not technology's fault - its solely his fault. Dump him and run like the wind.

sbsquarepants

ElleEm wrote: »

And technology didn't ruin your relationship, your boyfriend's lack of respect for you did.

This. Technology is actually what saved you from being strung along for even longer. Get rid of him and move on - although there will undoubtedly be some shítty times in the near future, you'll be very glad in the long run. I once caught a long term, live in girlfriend cheating because i went to answer a text that came in while she was in the shower, expecting it to be from friends we were due to meet up with that night - it wasn't! It was a right kick in the guts at the time, but looking back i'm so glad i did.
Best of luck.

msg11

Devestated24 wrote: »

I am a smart, hard working, pretty girl.

You are still all this. The idiot dose not deserve to have someone like you. Only you can decide what to do. I myself, would be in shock and never be able to trust them again.

knotknowbody

ElleEm wrote: »

And technology didn't ruin your relationship, your boyfriend's lack of respect for you did.

+1 Technology saved you from a crappy prick of a boyfriend, you deserve better.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I wish I was as strong as you all and feel so assured that it will all turn out ok. I feel there is no future for me now. I can't ever see myself trusting a man again.

Surely without skype he wouldn't be able to be up to his dirty carrying on with women? I don't think he has the balls to screw around in reality. He is always online and now I know why. Jeez most men watch porn, and I'd have no problem with this. But, finding girls on dating sites to get their skype details and basicly **** for one another is to me one of the lowest things a person can do in a relationship. i think technology like this has a lot to answer for.

judgefudge

You need to stop blaming the Internet and start blaming your boyfriend.

HE is the one going online flirting with girls. HE is the one asking for photos. Just because he hasn't met someone yet doesn't mean he won't, it's not like he's shown any loyalty to you! It's extremely disrespectful.

It's a hard thing to take but you need to recognise the fact that he is essentially cheating on you. No amount of blaming Skype will change that.

Dave0301

Devestated24 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I wish I was as strong as you all and feel so assured that it will all turn out ok. I feel there is no future for me now. I can't ever see myself trusting a man again.

Surely without skype he wouldn't be able to be up to his dirty carrying on with women? I don't think he has the balls to screw around in reality. He is always online and now I know why. Jeez most men watch porn, and I'd have no problem with this. But, finding girls on dating sites to get their skype details and basicly **** for one another is to me one of the lowest things a person can do in a relationship. i think technology like this has a lot to answer for.

I know this may seem like little comfort now, but the best thing to do is to keep busy. Be it work, a new hobby, or spending time with friends again. Now that you are single, you will be able to enjoy more freedom and time dedicated to you.

Just ensure to use it to improve your life, and not dwell on this. It will improve with time!

Lorna123

This may be of little comfort to you but I do believe that he loves you in his own way. He is sick and got into this sick maneuver but I don't think that this means that he would physically cheat on you. This probably means nothing and I would not be able to deal with this so I don't expect you to either. Your only option is to get out because you would always be wondering if he is doing this any time he is on the net. I don't think I could deal with this. As you say yourself I would rather be on my own than have to continue on in a relationship of this kind. At least you found out and you can do something about it.

_dublinlad_

Its a strange thing the mind does at a time like this. It takes another persons horrible behavior and makes it reflect directly on you.

Think about that for a second. Is that rational? I'm not discounting your current emotions, not in the slightest, I was were you are now not so long ago and I was devastated too. I assure you though, you will look back on this not far from now with absolute wonderment how you let this guy knock your self worth so much. His actions speak volumes about the content of his character, not yours!

Trust me, this will pass and you will be much better for it.

fupduck

The way that other people treat you is a reflection on them, not you! Decent people do not disrespect their relationship, which is what this guy did.
HIS behaviour is at fault here.
Do not let his behaviour dictate your sense of self worth
(mind you, I know it is easy for me to say, sitting at a keyboard, and not having any connection with either of you)

When you are looking forward, the journey to get over this will seem like a daunting , endless task, but , sooner than you think, you will find yourself looking back on a much shorter journey than you anticipated

Be gentle with yourself! and mind yourself xx

Pat McGhee

Pack your bags, get out and then send him a pic under your fake profile. One of you destroying something he loves, as he's destroyed you. Let him sort out the lease, etc because he's responsible for the mess he's made.

You're better than him, you're stronger, and well rid of the headache he's become.

CaraMay

Oh definitely leave him to sort out the apartment. Keep moving and don't kook back. You have had a lucky escape here. Good luck op. Mind yourself and remember its not you, its him.

Stavro Mueller

m'lady wrote: »

I wouldn't be blaming technology for ruining your life, your bf would possibly have found other ways if he didn't have access to laptop/smart phones etc.

^^ This. Think how many people have access to technology and wouldn't dream of cheating. This guy did what he did because he doesn't have an ounce of respect for you. It just made things easier for him. Would you really have preferred to be living in blissful ignorance with a man whose thoughts were straying to other women and trying to figure out how to get with them?

Don't worry about the lease. It's his problem. Feck that. Pack your bags and leave. Go to a friend, a family member, to your parents. Someone. I hope you get your money back for the holiday too :mad:

December2012

Devestated24 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I wish I was as strong as you all and feel so assured that it will all turn out ok. I feel there is no future for me now. I can't ever see myself trusting a man again.

Surely without skype he wouldn't be able to be up to his dirty carrying on with women? I don't think he has the balls to screw around in reality. He is always online and now I know why. Jeez most men watch porn, and I'd have no problem with this. But, finding girls on dating sites to get their skype details and basicly **** for one another is to me one of the lowest things a person can do in a relationship. i think technology like this has a lot to answer for.

I use Skype to talk to family abroad.

I'm online to talk to people.

Technology didnt create infidelity, disrespect or wnking. These things are eternal.

It's not you, it's not technology, it's him.

blatantrereg

Devestated24 wrote: »

I wish I was as strong as you all and feel so assured that it will all turn out ok. I feel there is no future for me now. I can't ever see myself trusting a man again.

Not a matter of strength. Just a matter of perspective. Distance and detachment provides that. Emotional involvement and shared living space does not.

Probably wouldn't have happened without skype etc alright. Masturbatory practices extending through that. This was about masturbation rather than sex for him. Not that that justifies it at all, nor removes any responsibility from him. A car crash wouldn't happen without cars. If someone kills someone by dangerous driving it's not the car's fault though.

LegacyUser

My advice to you is to pack your bags and leave this guy behind.
I would also tell him that it is his problem in regards to the lease and let him know exactly why you are ending things with him.
Just be thankful that you found out what he is like now rather than in a few years time when you could be married or have children with him.

I knew a few woman this happened to and they went on to met far better men at a later stage. I know at the moment you are unhappy and upset but it can and will get better for you.

JenEffy

Don't blame technology. If he didn't have Skype, dating sites, etc, he'd be flirting with girls in pubs. Everyone has access to technology but not everyone cheats. Technology creates new ways of cheating but it doesn't make people cheat.

The Corinthian

Devestated24 wrote: »

Surely without skype he wouldn't be able to be up to his dirty carrying on with women?

Sure. There was no infidelity before the Internet...

I can understand, to a degree, where he's coming from; flirting (if harmless) is fun and does give an ego boost. If you're in a long term and committed relationship, a bit of flirting can be a positive thing to self-image.

However, your boyfriend has gone way beyond this. This is not a bit of harmless flirting. It's out of control, to the point that I would be extremely surprised if he has not been unfaithful to you at this stage - he doesn't need balls to cheat, only opportunity and lack of willpower not to and look at how many opportunities he's creating and how little willpower he's displaying.

It is clear that he does not wish to stop this behaviour, but worse still that you are tolerating it despite the fact that it is something you absolutely are not comfortable with. He knows you're not, yet continues.

I agree with others that it's time for you to move on. This kind of behaviour won't get better, especially given how little resistance you have shown against it to date.

But, finding girls on dating sites to get their skype details and basicly **** for one another is to me one of the lowest things a person can do in a relationship. i think technology like this has a lot to answer for.

If the two people are single or available, then that's their business. Might not be your cup of tea (not mine either), but that's their business.

His problem is not that he's getting his jollies this way, or the technology behind it, but that he's not free to do so; he's in a monogamous relationship.

LegacyUser

If I was in a relationship and found out that my bf had even done that in the PAST, while he was single, I'd be gone like a shot out the door. There's nothing more off-putting than a fuppin perv!

I know you're devestated right now hun, we've all been through the horror of a really bad break up, but put your chin up and get the hell away from this perv. x

ShaShaBear

Nearly tempted to ask you his name OP, I'm pretty sure I dated him for nearly two years :P

In my mind, it is simply cheating. Taking control of a sexual situation with someone when in a relationship with someone else is what I would view as cheating. Like you, if it was just a smut site, I would completely ignore it, probably laugh at it. But the fact that he is targeting real women, that he can see on his screen in the moment, and tell them what he would like them to do, and have them do it? He's being unfaithful, and I guarantee if he were given the opportunity to be alone with this girl knowing you would never find out, he wouldn't hesitate a second.

My ex did the exact same thing (and believe it or not I did the same as you, set up a fake profile and tried to catch him out). In the end it was pretty easy, as another girl he was messaging told me to eff off from her boyfriend, and I sent her a picture of the two of us to let her know that we were both being duped.

This same guy actually told me he could imagine me walking up the aisle, had single-handedly priced our wedding AND had picked names and suggested trying for children.

LegacyUser

The exact same thing happened me just friday gone, We have been together eight years, we have a five year old and he proposed to me two weeks ago, I've done nothing but cry all weekend. I literally feel like i could slit my wrists if my son wasn't in the house with me. I want to curl up in a ball and go asleep and never wake up. How can i get over this?

Hagar the Nice.

Devestated24 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I wish I was as strong as you all and feel so assured that it will all turn out ok. I feel there is no future for me now. I can't ever see myself trusting a man again.

Surely without skype he wouldn't be able to be up to his dirty carrying on with women? I don't think he has the balls to screw around in reality. He is always online and now I know why. Jeez most men watch porn, and I'd have no problem with this. But, finding girls on dating sites to get their skype details and basicly **** for one another is to me one of the lowest things a person can do in a relationship. i think technology like this has a lot to answer for.

But you are strong as us,if not even stronger.
You have been taken for a fool but let's be honest,we all have at sometimes in our lives.
You had a lucky escape,sadly others have not,you know what to do next,good luck.

fatknacker

Please send him a picture message on the dating site of you holding a card that gives him his marching orders.

lima

Perhaps you two have issues and you have driven him to this by not confronting these issues? I know some people like to pretend like things are going ok when in fact they are not.

Niamho!

Get your hands on those holiday tickets too, if you haven't already got them.

You go on the holiday with someone who actually gives half a **** about you. You deserve it. Fook him!

swaner

don't blame technology for this. He is obviously such kind of person, so if this technology is still not invented he would cheat on you on classic ways, so it is more to person not technology

swaner

It is up to his personality not about technology. Image we don't have phones, he would do that same thing on some other way, so don't blame technology, just get rif of him. Just my 2 cents

swaner

It is up to his personality not about technology. Image we don't have phones, he would do that same thing on some other way, so don't blame technology, just get rif of him. Just my 2 cents

fineso.mom

I'd say the OP has it sorted by now.

dudara

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