Waiting on proposal...

LegacyUser

Regular poster going unreg for this any help at all would be greatly appreciated.

I am with my boyfriend 6 years and I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me too. Its just more and more people around us are getting engaged and married, people that have only been with each other for a year to three years. I'm just getting really annoyed of people constantly asking me when is our big day. And I am definitely sick of always being the bridesmaid and never the bride.

I thought it might of happened by now and I have not got any signals from him that getting married is not on the cards.

How long is too long when waiting for a proposal. Do I take it as a sign after six years that he either dosn't see a future with me or marriage is just not for him.?

My patience is starting to run thin... waiting year after year for him to pop the question.

Am I coming across as a psycho girl that wants to get married? I definitely don't want to put pressure on him its just I don't want to be walking down the aisle with a walking stick....

Neyite

Have you actually sat down and spoke to him about where you both see the relationship going? Maybe he thinks you are not into getting married, maybe he wants you both to buy a house together first, or get your careers in order.

The only way you will find out how he feels is to ask.

By the way, there is no "right" length of time to wait. Some couples meet and marry within a year, others are decades together before marrying. Then there are others who have no interest whatsoever in marriage.

And when you do get engaged the questions turn to "have you set a date yet" etc then after the wedding its all hints about babies, and if you kindly oblige on that front, its more hints about siblings for the one you have... you get the picture.

Meauldsegosha

Why are you waiting year after year for him to ask? If you want to marry him then you ask him. You've been together 6 years, you must have spoken about the future, marriage, kids etc at some stage. If you haven't already spoken about these things well you need to start now.

Merkin

I think if you've invested six years in the relationship and you ultimately want marriage then you need to be pretty sure he is on the same page! You're going to need to instigate a conversation about where the relationship is going and what you both want in the future and you need to do it soon. Cards need to be laid on the table so that you are both striving for the same things. He may want to marry you but might want to wait another six years. He might not believe in marriage at all. Bringing the conversation out in the open and being very honest about what you want (likewise) with him, should hopefully get the ball rolling. Hope it works out for you.

If you want to be married to this man one major issue you need to work on is communication. He is not psychic and it's not his job to make all the decisions in the relationship.
If you want to get married sit him down and TELL him.

wallycharlo

Am I overthinking this? wrote: »

...My patience is starting to run thin... waiting year after year for him to pop the question...

So if you want to get married so much, what's stopping you proposing to him?

LegacyUser

Op here thanks for the reply's.
The reason Im posting this here and not asking him directly is I dont want to seem to be pressuring him. i want him to ask me on his own terms and not because I want him to.

Im 30 this year and I dont want to be an old bride and I always wanted to be married before I have children thus I dont want to be an old mother either. By the way its going I hope I will stilll be able to have children by the time we get married.

We are both working, and are emotionally and financially ready for marriage.

Dont get me wrong we have had the future talk and I know he wants marriage in the future. And many times when he has been drunk he's talked about proposing.

A question to the guys is there a way of speeding up impending proposal without putting pressure on him or playing games. :-( . i want it to be special for the both of us and not forced.

in response to asking him I'm very traditional so that's a no go area.

endacl

wallycharlo wrote: »

So if you want to get married so much, what's stopping you proposing to him?

Oh, I so wanted to say that!

If you want to keep it traditional OP, you'll have to wait till February 29, 2016. You can officially propose then.

On a serious note, talk to him. You're allowed have expectations and demands in a relationship, but they'll do you no good if they stay in your head.

judgefudge

So you're trying to surreptitiously speed things along while at the same time wanting the proposal to not be forced.

I don't see how it's going to work. Just tell him you want to get married.

CaraMay

Op so is the only time you have had a chat when he was drunk.? I know he said he wants to get married in the future but has he (and not joking here) said its to you?

It seems strange to me that you both want the sane thing yet its not happening...

I think you need to ask him out straight what his plans are. He might say he won't be ready for 5 years and that will then mean you have to make a decision. I don't agree either with ultimatums. From my experience with friends, the marriages which were as a result of an ultimatum never lasted or were unhappy but also in saying that a lot of the relationships which got to the 6 year mark with no committment didn't last either as there was normally one who didn't want to commit.

IMHO, if he doesnt know by now then he never will. You need to know so you can plan your own future.

LegacyUser

OP Im sorry to say this but I think you deserve a bit better at that stage- I posted on another thread on expectations, its not unreasonable to have the talk, i think for him to bring it up when he is drunk is a bit disrespectful - unless he is thinking the same as you and is afraid to say he wants to get married?
dont hang on too long OP

Neyite

judgefudge wrote: »

So you're trying to surreptitiously speed things along while at the same time wanting the proposal to not be forced.

I don't see how it's going to work. Just tell him you want to get married.

I agree - You cant put the fire under him without candid discussion, and if you do have that discussion it does not mean that he cant plan a lovely proposal that you didn't see coming. Most couples who know that they will get married that I have heard their proposal stories, it does not necessarily stop the woman from being surprised and delighted when the moment happens. I know couples who have a mortgage or children together and the proposal was a big surprise and very romantic.

But talk to him when you both are sober or at the very least, on your first drink of the evening.

DjangoMc

I was with my now husband 8.5 years before he proposed. At one point we nearly broke up coz I was annoyed he hadn't proposed.
But he explained to me he liked being able to bugger on on holiday when we wanted and do all the stuff we wanted to do before we "settled down".
I'm now a month married and to be honest, nothing has changed in our relationship, except my second name.
Its a hard subject to bring up, my husband didn't like the pressure coming from me. Anyone else, he didn't care.

CaraMay

DjangoMc wrote: »

I was with my now husband 8.5 years before he proposed. At one point we nearly broke up coz I was annoyed he hadn't proposed.
But he explained to me he liked being able to bugger on on holiday when we wanted and do all the stuff we wanted to do before we "settled down".
I'm now a month married and to be honest, nothing has changed in our relationship, except my second name.
Its a hard subject to bring up, my husband didn't like the pressure coming from me. Anyone else, he didn't care.

IMHO that's extremely controlling and I would lose all respect for someone who treated me and my future with so little regard.

Op this is what you want to avoid happening. Don't give over control of your future to someone else. Ask for what you want. If you don't get it when you want it then move on.

LegacyUser

DjangoMc wrote: »

I was with my now husband 8.5 years before he proposed. At one point we nearly broke up coz I was annoyed he hadn't proposed.
But he explained to me he liked being able to bugger on on holiday when we wanted and do all the stuff we wanted to do before we "settled down".
I'm now a month married and to be honest, nothing has changed in our relationship, except my second name.
Its a hard subject to bring up, my husband didn't like the pressure coming from me. Anyone else, he didn't care.

Op here.
Thats what im terrified about. Im afraid if I bring it up too much with him he'll get really annoyed. I dont want to be the nagging girlfriend im just finding it hard to stay care free about the whole situation with my time pressure

DjangoMc - how were you able to stay patient for 8 and a half years and if you dont mind me asking what age you and your husband are. (p.s congratulations on the wedding)

With other life issues there is no problems we are both open with each other.

I have brought up about future plans (when sober) and I know he wants to marry me in the future.

wallycharlo

DjangoMc wrote: »

...I'm now a month married and to be honest, nothing has changed in our relationship, except my second name...

... if one has been in a long term relationship before getting married, and especially if you have been living with your partner, then I don't really see what in fact is going to change just because one is 'married' ? ... i.e. the 'being married' is usually not what needs to be addressed when one may have issues such as you describe ...

DjangoMc

Am I overthinking this? wrote: »

Op here.
Thats what im terrified about. Im afraid if I bring it up too much with him he'll get really annoyed. I dont want to be the nagging girlfriend im just finding it hard to stay care free about the whole situation with my time pressure

DjangoMc - how were you able to stay patient for 8 and a half years and if you dont mind me asking what age you and your husband are. (p.s congratulations on the wedding)

With other life issues there is no problems we are both open with each other.

I have brought up about future plans (when sober) and I know he wants to marry me in the future.

I'm 28, he is 29. I stayed patient for about 7 years (7 year itch) but he was right, if we had of settled down I would have been I want to do this and I want to do that. We got all our travelling done and did whatever we wanted.
Now in saying that, just before we got engaged, we got thrown into the deep with becoming my brothers guardian.
But people who say "get out" and "don't wait any longer", in my opinion are wrong. You love him, he loves you.
A piece of paper doesn't change anything (well it didn't change us)
If he wants to get married, he will ask. You never know he is probably saving up to buy you a nice ring.
Just have some faith!
We got married on the day we where together 10years!

ibarelycare

OP I think it's really silly that you're 30 years old and you are with your partner 6 years and can't sit down and just talk to him about what you want.

You said yourself that you're anxious to have children before you're too old...yet you're going to sit back and wait for him to propose on his own terms, just because you want it to be a surprise, and special? You need to be realistic here. Life isn't a fairytale. If you are very serious about wanting to settle down, get married and have a family then you should put those notions aside and be an adult about it.

DjangoMc

wallycharlo wrote: »

... if one has been in a long term relationship before getting married, and especially if you have been living with your partner, then I don't really see what in fact is going to change just because one is 'married' ? ... i.e. the 'being married' is usually not what needs to be addressed when one may have issues such as you describe ...

I've been told by a few married people (who are together just as long) that everything changes after you get married! Not really.

Emme

You've been together six years. Surely you know each other well enough to bring up this topic.

You are 30. You want children. You should bring up marriage and having children for this reason. If you wait another two years without saying anything and your boyfriend decides he doesn't want to marry you what happens? Your chances of finding somebody not to mention your fertility will diminish dramatically as you head into your 30s.

I might breaking boards rules here by mentioning another thread, but if you go to the Gentlemen's Lounge you will see a thread called "Dating and the Biological Clock". I think somebody there mentioned that it is unfair to waste a woman's time dating aimlessly for years if you both want children but if you don't want them with her because her window of fertility is much smaller.

Has your boyfriend mentioned to you about moving in together or buying a house together? Having a child together? How often do you see each other? Perhaps he's happy coasting along and has no intention of settling down. Do you feel that he is the right man for you, and does he feel that you are the right woman for him? You need to know this.

You have been with your boyfriend for six years. Six years of your life. You have a right to know where the relationship is going, and you have a right to ask. That doesn't make you desperate or clingy.

Chara1001

Do you want to have a family also?

It seems to me that you're taking some very big risks here to avoid being the 'nagging girlfriend'. You want to get married, you really do and it sounds like you're just going to sit and wait and hope.

I mean what happens if he wants to marry you, but intends to wait a few years? Will you hang on? If you don't get the answer you want, you might have to make some decisions, i'm not trying to scare you but you need to think of these things. I think you need to be way more proactive. He simply mightn't know how much you want to. You need to talk. Seriously.

The whole children issue is also tied in here, it sounds to me like your future is hanging on his shoulders because you're too scared to talk to him, and he doesn't even know.

L'prof

I waited about 8 years to propose to my girlfriend. Circumstances were never quite right and neither of us were in any rush and happy to have each other. In the end I guess I realised that circumstances may never be right and bit the bullet. That was a 1.5 years ago. We're still not married, but we'll get there eventually. If this is something you really want to do and would rather not wait, then make sure you make your feelings known.

DjangoMc

I'm really not the whole "typical man" or "most men" saying kind of person but seriously, most men hate to be pressured. And I don't mean to offend by saying that. But honestly, blokes hate pressure!
I asked my husband what he would have done if I had of proposed and he said he would have said no. Its the only thing he's ever been traditional about, he wanted to ask me.
Ok each to their own! OP has said they both really do love each other.

I understand about wanting to have kids. We both want to have kids, and right now I'm extremely broody! But we've decided to wait a few months and be just husband and wife.

I think its hard to bring up the whole "Well, when are we gonna get married" or "when are we getting engaged". But that's just from my experience and we're weren't drunk when I brought it up.

Floppybits

OP, I have found that couples who get together early in their life and by that I mean late teens/Early 20's, I find tend to be going out longer before they get married than say couples who meet in their late 20's early 30's. I know there will be exceptions to the rules but I do believe that the earlier you meet your partner the longer you wait to get married, not all the time but most of the time.

My best mate met his current wife when they were about 22 or so and even though it was clear that they were going to get married it took 10 years for him to propose, he was just happy to go along as they were it was only when the talked about buying a house did the penny drop with him about getting married.. Now take me I am 39 I met my wife when I was 30, and we were engaged within 3 years and married within 5. I just think that when you meet in your early years you want to have your fun before settling down and not you have reached that age that you feel its right to get married. I think it is unfair to say you are waiting 6 years, because that would imply you wanted to marry this person from the very first date.

Do as the other posters have said and sit down with your bf when you are both sober and talk about the future and discuss marriage and the penny may drop with him, if it hasnt already? You also never know what he is thinking, he could be waiting for your birthday or anniversary when you both met?

LadyMayBelle

Maybe he's changed his mind? On 'marriage', not about you? Could it be that he doesnt want to get married? Im with my OH eight years and always thought he was just against weddings, but after a proper heart to heart, it's marriage..which is a bit crap, for me. Maybe he knows that it's all a fuss for what, a piece of paper?
Still not easy on you mind, Pin him down for the talk!
Good luck
x

Merkin

Am I overthinking this? wrote: »

Thats what im terrified about. Im afraid if I bring it up too much with him he'll get really annoyed. I dont want to be the nagging girlfriend im just finding it hard to stay care free about the whole situation with my time pressure

That's such a strange statement.

Why are you afraid to bring it up with him "too much" in case "he'll get really annoyed"? Have you brought this up quite a few times before and agreed not to talk about it for now? How could instigating a topic on something that's very important to you make him angry?

Or are you terrified of what the potential outcome could be, i.e. that he just doesn't want to get married?

Either way, I think it's best you find out if you both want your relationship to go in the direction that both of you want...

spankysue

OP, I think this could have something to do with you turning 30, and I could have written this myself a few months ago.

I turned 30 last month and like you, I had seen loads of friends get married and have kids before me and felt a bit down that I had none of this.

My OH was always against marriage and in fairness to him, he was honest, he told me that if I wanted to get married, that I was with the wrong guy. I had come to realise though that being with him was more important to me than getting married.... then he went and popped the question on my 30th, after nearly 15 years together and nearly 15 years of him saying he never wanted to get married.

So, there's two points to my reply, first is you never know what could happen and second is that, if it doesn't happen, are you happy to just be with him and not get married or is being married more important to you than who you're with?

eviltwin

OP you have to talk to him about the relationship and what he sees in the future for you both.

Getting married is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life. It should be something you decide together, not something that you are in the dark about.

I was with my husband 12 years before we got married and there was no proposal, I think we just decided to do it sitting on the couch. Not the most romantic proposal but we're 5 years married this year and tbh how we came to be married isn't all that important, what is important is that we got here.

Roselm

OP your partner may know you want to get married before kids but not realise the time implications of this.
I mean I dont think a lot of guys are aware that a couple are highly unlikely to be able to plan to have a kid and then fall pregnant straight away. Also that you mightnt want to give birth to your kids all in consecutive years!
He also mightnt know youre not going to want to wait and then have kids when youre nearly 40 for example, but rather you want them nowish. So your bf may think he has plenty of time....
I think you should chat to him about the timeframe!

Magicmatilda

I don't see how sitting down and having a frank and honest conversation about your future together, once, could be considered nagging?? Really, that's not nagging. It's been 6 years, you should be able to have that chat. If you can't do that, how do you expect to organise a wedding or raise children?

If you having been asking regularly, that might be nagging. But if that's the case and nothing has happened it's probably time to walk away.

strandroad

DjangoMc wrote: »

If he wants to get married, he will ask. You never know he is probably saving up to buy you a nice ring.
Just have some faith!

Well by waiting demurely until he is ready in a couple of years she may end up learning that actually he is not and will not be ready.

And that's just about the marriage, not to mention children etc. If they are all going to take a couple of years each...

Great that your husband decided to marry you (you were denied initiative as he would have refused you - very controlling - but you were lucky in the end), but her bf may be different and she has the right to know where they stand if marriage and family are important to her.

OP, talk to your bf. You are already upset, by hiding it from him you can only make matters worse.

DjangoMc

mhge wrote: »

Well by waiting demurely until he is ready in a couple of years she may end up learning that actually he is not and will not be ready.

And that's just about the marriage, not to mention children etc. If they are all going to take a couple of years each...

Great that your husband decided to marry you (you were denied initiative as he would have refused you - very controlling - but you were lucky in the end), but her bf may be different and she has the right to know where they stand if marriage and family are important to her.

OP, talk to your bf. You are already upset, by hiding it from him you can only make matters worse.

If you read early, I got "fed up waiting". I asked why. I waited 8 and a half years. And know why I waited, coz I loved him and I knew I wanted to be with him.
Men don't talk like that, my husband certainly doesn't. Any guy I know whether it's a colleague, my cousins or friends husbands, they never say stuff like that coz they are Men!
To a certain degree men like to be in control, fine by me.
But I decided to have the chat about "where are we going" and he said we're going the same way but there was still something he wanted to do before he settled down with kids and a house. At that point I wanted to settle down and let's just say, the next two weeks where awful.
A close friend of mine is constantly at her other half (who she is with 12 years) and he is more or less pushing it out further the more she "annoys" him about it. She is constantly posting up engagement videos on Facebook and when we're out, my god it gets awkward when it's mentioned about how they aren't engaged.

OP should basically ask, are we both going in the same direction. Don't say out "are we ever going to get engaged"

That question puts a lot of pressure on a bloke, he will either be a deer in the headlights or fob it off.
Doesn't everyone say anyway "the truth comes out when your drunk"?

Taltos

OP step back a bit

Here is what you want
> to be married
> to be married before you have children
> to have children

Here is what we know he wants
>...

However at 30 and not trying to scare you - but what happens if you don't get pregnant in the first year, or 2nd or 3rd?
How many children do you want and is it the same as him?

To be brutal, marriages stand a better chance of working if you both can communicate openly and as honestly as possible, not always easy especially when emotions are involved.

I think you owe it to your future happiness to stop all this playing about trying to manipulate (harsh I know) him into asking you to marry you. Sometimes you are better off calling a spade a spade.

Can I suggest that you talk children to him.
> Remind him you really want to be a mother, and ask him does he want to be a father.
> Tell him you want x children and ask how many he wants
> Don't ask him if he's ready - people rarely are, fear is a great motivator to do nothing.
> Then and here it comes, without applying pressure if you both agree to being parents you have to verbalise that for you that means being married first.

If any of the above
> no kids - you have your answer
> kids in 5 years - you have a tough decision, but can you afford to wait?
> kids but not keen on marriage - what about a civil ceremony somewhere romantic.

But all of this is still heresay - you and only you can have that chat with him. Trust me, in the grand scheme of things a chat like this while it appears scary will pale against some of the things you may face later in life - so embrace it - don't see it as not your place, you can ask for whatever you want - just sometimes you have to accept you might be asking the wrong person...

Best of luck OP
T

strandroad

DjangoMc wrote: »

If you read early, I got "fed up waiting". I asked why. I waited 8 and a half years. And know why I waited, coz I loved him and I knew I wanted to be with him.
Men don't talk like that, my husband certainly doesn't. Any guy I know whether it's a colleague, my cousins or friends husbands, they never say stuff like that coz they are Men!

My specimen is different then as we can talk about anything and I don't think OP has to settle for anything less than that. If your 8.5 year wait ended well for you that's great, but there is no guarantee that the same happens for her. She would be 32-33 then, not a lot of time to make decisions should it turn out that her bf is not inclined to move their relationship in the same direction that she would like to.

But I decided to have the chat about "where are we going" and he said we're going the same way but there was still something he wanted to do before he settled down with kids and a house. At that point I wanted to settle down and let's just say, the next two weeks where awful.
A close friend of mine is constantly at her other half (who she is with 12 years) and he is more or less pushing it out further the more she "annoys" him about it. She is constantly posting up engagement videos on Facebook and when we're out, my god it gets awkward when it's mentioned about how they aren't engaged.

If you and your friend agree to be treated this way it's up to you but IMHO OP feels she deserves the basic respect to know their situation. It's 6 years, not 6 months, and they are both mature and settled enough to know where they stand.

OP should basically ask, are we both going in the same direction. Don't say out "are we ever going to get engaged"
That question puts a lot of pressure on a bloke, he will either be a deer in the headlights or fob it off.

But she did broach this subject already, if she keeps doing it she's "nagging". Men are not made of china, they won't break when asked a simple question. She deserves to know the answer.

meeeeh

I think all the notions about men not wanting to be pressurised are crap. Nobody wants to be pressurised when it's something they don't want to do. But a conversation about the plans, about where the relationship is going, about when one wants something is not pressure. It's making sure you are both on the same page. How you get engaged doesn't matter, what your wedding day is like doesn't matter, making sure that you are both happy is what matters.

For what is worth we got engaged about seven years ago. We have two kids, a dog, a house and a mortgage and we are still not married. Neither is overly fussed about the wedding (I don't give a damn, he would probably like to get married one day) but we know we want to be together. I also know a few people that either split up couple of years after getting married or are not particularly happy. Wedding is not the end goal of your life, it might not even be a necessary stepping stone but if you two can't talk things through properly the relationship won't have much of a future, regardless if you are married or not.

strandroad

meeeeh wrote: »

For what is worth we got engaged about seven years ago. We have two kids, a dog, a house and a mortgage and we are still not married. Neither is overly fussed about the wedding (I don't give a damn, he would probably like to get married one day) but we know we want to be together. I also know a few people that either split up couple of years after getting married or are not particularly happy. Marriage is not the end goal of your life, it might not even be a necessary stepping stone but if you two can't talk things through properly the relationship won't have much of a future, regardless if you are married or not.

I absolutely agree. FWIW we're together 13 years, engaged but still not married due to sheer laziness and not being ar*ed, so it's not like I'm a closet bridezilla. But if I thought that after all the years I still need some intricate diplomacy just to make sure I know what we both feel/want as not to spook or disturb his majesty... really, what's the point of such a relationship?

P. Breathnach

Am I overthinking this? wrote: »

...
in response to asking him I'm very traditional so that's a no go area.

I'm not too sold on traditional views such as you express, but people vary and you are the person you are.

But it is often necessary to help people along. Why not pick a time when the mood is right (and both of you are sober!) and ask him, in a manner that is half-in-jest-and-wholly-in-earnest, when he is going to propose to you?

strandroad

P. Breathnach wrote: »

But it is often necessary to help people along. Why not pick a time when the mood is right (and both of you are sober!) and ask him, in a manner that is half-in-jest-and-wholly-in-earnest, when he is going to propose to you?

He may be surprised and deflect it; I'd give him some time to mull it over. OP I'd say something like "look, with the 30th birthday on the table I am really thinking about the future a lot. Can we have a proper conversation some time soon, next month maybe. I would really like to know what you think about actual timelines, it feels really important to me. I'll remind you in three weeks.".
Then leave it as promised and hopefully you'll have a proper chat in a month's time. But if you don't get anything resembling initiative then... not a good sign.

P. Breathnach

mhge wrote: »

He may be surprised and deflect it; I'd give him some time to mull it over. OP I'd say something like "look, with the 30th birthday on the table I am really thinking about the future a lot. Can we have a proper conversation some time soon, next month maybe. I would really like to know what you think about actual timelines, it feels really important to me. I'll remind you in three weeks.".
Then leave it as promised and hopefully you'll have a proper chat in a month's time. But if you don't get anything resembling initiative then... not a good sign.

That might not sit well with OP's view of herself as being very traditional: it's moving close to an implied ultimatum.

Yes, I agree that OP has a reasonable right to get things agreed, and it would be good if she could find it in herself to take the initiative. I am sure that many of us know men who needed some kind of push before they got married. There are some men who missed out on great opportunities because of some impediment in their psyche that blocked them from making a proposal that would have been happily accepted.

strandroad

P. Breathnach wrote: »

That might not sit well with OP's view of herself as being very traditional: it's moving close to an implied ultimatum.

Yeah, I understood that she is traditional in the sense that she does not want to pop the question, but it's not nontraditional to show that it's a good time for the question to be asked Traditional women did not wait meekly for their menfolk to ponder, they had them trussed up in time to produce a large family

LegacyUser

After 6 years of being a couple and the fact your 30 years of age need to know where your relationship is going.
You need to tell your boyfriend I am 30 and I want to get married and have a family.
If he brushes you off telling you next year or I/we need to do this or that I would just tell him it is over. If people ask you the reason why just say he does not want to get married but I do.
One bit of advice I would give you is to have this chat soon and to walk away if he is not willing to move things on.
I know several woman who were in relationships for 5 to 8 years and they though he will propose to me soon. They got sick of waiting and told him I want to get married and have a family to be brushed off or he said I don't want this.
I know 2 woman who walked away from relationships like this and both are now married with children.
I know another woman who was with her boyfriend for 10 years thinking any day now he will propose. She asked him one day when are we going to get married to be told I don't want marriage or kids. She ended things with him but a few months later got back with him thinking he would change his mind. She is now in her mid 40's single and never had the family she wanted after wasting years with the wrong man.

ibarelycare

^^^
I'm astounded that people will wait that long before having that conversation. In the cases above, it's the women's faults that they ended up in that situation, if they wanted something they should have spoken up sooner. IMO anyone over the age of, say, 25 who is in a relationship should be establishing from pretty early on whether they both want the same thing. It's not needy or desperate to have that conversation, it's sensible and necessary.

will.i.am

Just to give a bit of advice from what I have experienced with marriages.
My parents met in the late 1970's my mam was young and my dad was older. My was actually born in 1961 and my dad was born in 1948 so it was a big age difference it was actually the same as prince Charles and Diana and my dad proposed to my mother in late 1980 and they got married in 1981. They are still married today.
Now my aunt is in a relationship with her husband for nearly 30 years also but they only got married in late 2011. What he did was he basically asked her to get married the on the Tuesday and they were married on the Thursday with only a few guests. My aunt still got her wedding and had a nice dress and flowers etc.
Did them getting married make any difference to them? Not really. Throughout my parents marriage and my aunts relationship they both loved, cared and respected each other. The only difference that getting marred makes is you get a piece of paper and a different name. It's easy to get these thing the hard to find is love.

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

^^^
I'm astounded that people will wait that long before having that conversation. In the cases above, it's the women's faults that they ended up in that situation, if they wanted something they should have spoken up sooner. IMO anyone over the age of, say, 25 who is in a relationship should be establishing from pretty early on whether they both want the same thing. It's not needy or desperate to have that conversation, it's sensible and necessary.

I could not agree with this more. I've been with my OH for 5 years. We were serious about eachother from the start. I would say that about a year into the relationship we had a casual chat about whether we both wanted to get married and have children and so I knew a year in that we were on the same page. Last year I felt that we were at a stage where we needed to move the relationship on and just asked my OH out straight did he think we would be getting engaged in the next year or 2 as that it was I would like. He told me that we would be getting engaged sometime this year so all is good, I know where I stand and am very happy. Maybe people think that's very unromantic as it won't be a huge surprise but I have no idea when the propoasl will actually come and even if it is unromantic I love him and want to marry him so I will be happy however it happens.

I think that 6 years into a relationship there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for a timeframe on when you will get engaged. You're not asking him to marry you, you are just finding out where you stand in the relationship and making sure you are on the same page. As somone else has said, men aren't physic, you need to bring it up with him!

Addle

You have to be practical.
Among couples I know, most proposals are planned now.

In any regard, I can never understand why people will stew over anything when if they just bring it up with another, the matter will probably be resolved.

jimmycrackcorm

will.i.am wrote: »

Just to give a bit of advice from what I have experienced with marriages.
My parents met in the late 1970's my mam was young and my dad was older. My was actually born in 1961 and my dad was born in 1948 so it was a big age difference it was actually the same as prince Charles and Diana and my dad proposed to my mother in late 1980 and they got married in 1981. They are still married today.
Now my aunt is in a relationship with her husband for nearly 30 years also but they only got married in late 2011. What he did was he basically asked her to get married the on the Tuesday and they were married on the Thursday with only a few guests. My aunt still got her wedding and had a nice dress and flowers etc.
Did them getting married make any difference to them? Not really. Throughout my parents marriage and my aunts relationship they both loved, cared and respected each other. The only difference that getting marred makes is you get a piece of paper and a different name. It's easy to get these thing the hard to find is love.

I don't really know if your point is valid. When your aunt wasn't married, what would have happened if either partner had died in regards to shared property for example?

Emme

will.i.am wrote: »

Now my aunt is in a relationship with her husband for nearly 30 years also but they only got married in late 2011. What he did was he basically asked her to get married the on the Tuesday and they were married on the Thursday with only a few guests. My aunt still got her wedding and had a nice dress and flowers etc.

Did them getting married make any difference to them? Not really. Throughout my parents marriage and my aunts relationship they both loved, cared and respected each other. The only difference that getting marred makes is you get a piece of paper and a different name. It's easy to get these thing the hard to find is love.

I wonder if your aunt wanted children or if she had any. The OP wants to get married before she has children. It is very important for her to discuss this with her boyfriend sooner rather than later.

ShaShaBear

Op, I agree with an earlier poster that said anyone over a certain age should really be making clear in relationships what they want.

Example. I want at least three children. Four if possible. Ten if it doesn't hurt that much :rolleyes:
I am 26 years old, coming from a family of women with a hereditary line of early menopause. My mother started menopause at 29, my aunt had an emergency hysterectomy at 31 due to endometriosis, another hereditary condition that I have been diagnosed with. Basically, taking into account my mother, aunt, grandmother and sister, I am running out of time.

I met my partner 6 years ago, and started seeing him a year and a half ago. When he was visiting his best friend, who has a very young boy, he sent me a picture of him holding him, and I told him he was gorgeous, and do you like kids? He told me he loves kids, can't wait to have a big brood of his own. I told him I was the same, that I hoped to have one child at least on the way before I turn 30. He agreed that he did not want to become a father for the first time in his 40s or 50s. He asked me if I felt marriage before children was important to me (as I find bring up one topic and the rest will follow) and I told him it was not, but if I had children outside of marriage, they would be given my name and not their fathers. He told me that he did think marriage first was important, but not religiously, rather he has a romantic order of things in his head, and he likes the idea of marriage before trying for a child.

Now we're engaged (he knew I would say yes, so had no problem asking me) and I know that I will get everything I want from this man, health permitting. I can only imagine how I would feel if we never had that discussion, and then I found out that it was too late for me to have kids.

CaraMay

Shashabear you were lucky to meet someone who wants the same thing as you and at the same time you want them. The op seems to be with someone who doesn't want things in her timescale at least and the op needs to address it ASAP before time catches up on her.

ShaShaBear

CaraMay wrote: »

Shashabear you were lucky to meet someone who wants the same thing as you and at the same time you want them. The op seems to be with someone who doesn't want things in her timescale at least and the op needs to address it ASAP before time catches up on her.

Oh I know, I was just trying to reinforce other people's advice that the only way for her to find out if she is on the same wavelength as her partner is to discuss it directly.

Boskowski

Do you just feel peer pressure cos all your friends are getting married or because its the thing to do or something or do you actually want to get married.
As in X, Y & Z will change through marriage and you want that or you just want to get married cos you love him so much or do you want to get married cos thats what people do?