Confused

jerryh

First time posting here. I'v was with my O/H for 5 years and always saw her as the one I would spend my life with. Last week she said she had become bored with our relationship and it had become routine with the spark missing and she didnt love me. we took a week break and at the end she broke up with me. However when we met two days after to give our things back we kissed she said she loved me and she wanted everyday to be like that. I agreed to make things more exciting for her and arranged a date the next day. A half hour before we met she text saying it was too much too fast for her, she couldnt be expected for things to just go back to normal. I kept texting her until she responed saying she needs to be on her own at the moment and that she loves me but its not enough. I know your all going to say no contact and that and I will, but do you think she just needs space from such a long relationship and will then realise how she feels? I'm finding it hard to let go after the last day and the fact she still loves me, anyone help me!

jerryh

We were incredibley close until the last few months where I have been studying very hard for my finals as i have a job lined up after. We fought alot and we missed each other and I ended up just being a horrible person too her. But thats all over now!

Esoteric_

You say yourself that you were 'a horrible person to her,' so tbh I don't think saying 'that's all over now' is nearly enough.

Mate, we all get stressed, but it's not an excuse for treating somebody badly. Texting her constantly until she eventually responded was a bad way to go. It shows a complete lack of respect for her wishes, which doesn't go well in proving that the horrible treatment is all over.

Give her space, and let her make her own decision.

She cannot miss you if you're constantly there.

jerryh

I totally agree and I regret that now. She said that she felt bad fr having to give out to me all the time when I did things wrong and that I showed no interest in driving and was hurt because she had to have a part time job and I didnt have one. That wasnt through not looking and I still am and I'm doing my theory tomorrow so hopefully she can see that I'm trying.

Esoteric_

jerryh wrote: »

I totally agree and I regret that now. She said that she felt bad fr having to give out to me all the time when I did things wrong and that I showed no interest in driving and was hurt because she had to have a part time job and I didnt have one. That wasnt through not looking and I still am and I'm doing my theory tomorrow so hopefully she can see that I'm trying.

Well, keep doing that kind of stuff. Don't keep up the barrage of texts, let her have her space to figure out what she wants, but keep improving yourself like you seem to be trying to do. Do it for yourself though, not for her. Maybe if she sees that you're making an effort to change, she'll take you back, but for now you need to give her space.

jerryh

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Well, keep doing that kind of stuff. Don't keep up the barrage of texts, let her have her space to figure out what she wants, but keep improving yourself like you seem to be trying to do. Do it for yourself though, not for her. Maybe if she sees that you're making an effort to change, she'll take you back, but for now you need to give her space.

Thank you, she just said she didnt want to keep nagging me and feel like an old married couple that she was too young for it (both 22)

jerryh

Anyone had any similar experiences? Her best friend saying she doesnt want a relationship right now!

msg11

jerryh wrote: »

Anyone had any similar experiences? Her best friend saying she doesnt want a relationship right now!

To be honest with you, balls in her court right now. If I was you, just leave her alone and cut all contact with her, for your own good move on with your life don't get hung up on it.

If she wants you back shell be in touch and if she dose you might be then at a stage in your life where you are happy and may not want her back.

I like yourself was crazy about one ex, she gave me all the 'not up for a relationship' crack, forward a year it dose not bother me rather have my sanity than been messed around.

jerryh

msg11 wrote: »

To be honest with you, balls in her court right now. If I was you, just leave her alone and cut all contact with her, for your own good move on with your life don't get hung up on it.

If she wants you back shell be in touch and if she dose you might be then at a stage in your life where you are happy and may not want her back.

I like yourself was crazy about one ex, she gave me all the 'not up for a relationship' crack, forward a year it dose not bother me rather have my sanity than been messed around.

Thanks a million your right. How did it eventually not work out for yee do you mind me asking? her friend said she been unhappy a while but was always happy when we did things outside the common things like watching tv ect. Just the last day we met is playing with my mind!

jerryh

Thanks everyone for the advice think im gonna wait it out for a few months or ill always regret it!

msg11

jerryh wrote: »

Thanks a million your right. How did it eventually not work out for yee do you mind me asking? her friend said she been unhappy a while but was always happy when we did things outside the common things like watching tv ect. Just the last day we met is playing with my mind!

Just constant arguments because I was rushing in head first wanting to get back together, her afraid of been hurt again (I ended it). We are back talking now, but its well an truly friendzone stuff. Can't win them all, I made an attempt to make it up too her end of the day it was better for both of us to leave it.

Everyone is like that something will always play on your mind. Honestly just move on with things don't think about it, if she wants to give it another go she will be in touch. Don't be down about it, it will only eat away at you. Don't rush into another relationship either and time will be the healer. There's someone out there for everyone that will blow there mind, no matter how hard it is to think sometimes !

jerryh

I said something to her yesterday stupidly and she replied last night talking to me and said she was sorry for hurting me and that it hurts way too much to talk? what does that mean?

Esoteric_

jerryh wrote: »

I said something
to her yesterday stupidly and she replied last night talking to me and
said she was sorry for hurting me and that it hurts way too much to
talk? what does that mean?

It means she's hurting and you need to stop the contact! Every single person here has told you to back off, but you're ignoring the advice you've been given. She says it's hurting her to talk to you, so respect her wishes and leave her alone.

jerryh

but why is it hurting her if she doesnt feel the same anymore? like we talk about noirmal stuff.

Colonel_McCoy

I think you need to step away and stop over thinking every single words she texts.

You need to give her space dont text text\call her , I hate to say it but this good be the end. I could be wrong but dont give yourself false hope. Spend time with your friends or doing hobbies etc. Wait until she comes back to you

jerryh

thanks just pure confused o told her a few days ago that i would like to date her again in a few months if she was ready and she never said listen i have no chance, thanks for your advice.

jerryh

Just chatted to her there, something about us came up and she said she just cant talk about us it just hurts too much, but then we talked normally about different things and we were happy, i asked her if she minded and she said no not at all.

Esoteric_

I'm not trying to be smart here at all, but you're not taking on board any of the advice given to you, you're just telling us all what you're doing and how she's reacting. How long can you keep up chatting about normal things before you bring up the relationship again? Considering you seem to be contacting her constantly, my bet is not very long, and then she'll end up hurt again and so will you.

jerryh

Esoteric_ wrote: »

I'm not trying to be smart here at all, but you're not taking on board any of the advice given to you, you're just telling us all what you're doing and how she's reacting. How long can you keep up chatting about normal things before you bring up the relationship again? Considering you seem to be contacting her constantly, my bet is not very long, and then she'll end up hurt again and so will you.

Ya your right sorry, she text there saying she cant talk to me that we are broken up, so im moving on!

Esoteric_

jerryh wrote: »

Ya your right sorry, she text there saying she cant talk to me that we are broken up, so im moving on!

For both your sakes, I hope you stick to that. Dragging it out the way you have been is only going to hurt you both.

StickyIcky

Coming from experience even though you won't listen to this! :-D

Get away from her. Don't contact her. Concentrate on yourself. Spend all your energy making yourself better. Improve your environment. Improve yourself. Improve your relationship with your friends, your social life, your health, your skill set, your mental health will follow. With all that, when you've got that in check, you know what will happen? You'll find someone even better. Keep your sighs high. Don't accept second best.

It happened to me, except much worse than you and I followed my own advice and I got to best girl in the world now who wants to marry my awesome ass. :-)

Pm me if you need any help brother. Keep on keeping on ok.

jerryh

Thank you you, yee are right, im just going to get on with my life, I have the theory passed and I'm gonna be buying a car mid july and also have a few interviews for work. If she changes her mind Ill be there but if not i'm just going to enjoy my life!

jerryh

Just want to offer an update, we have been texting for two days now and she said that she doesnt hate me but she just wants to be single for now. She also rang me by "accident", we talked for ages and was like old times, I dont know does anyone think she will go out, get it out of her system, then want to get back together? anyone any experience of this?she said she wont be heading out or getting with others for the next while. her friend told me to not talk to her for two weeks and to see if she misses me so im going to do that, just want her back, i know its pathetic.

Reading over this thread, it really does seem like you're not taking onboard what everyone has been saying. She has said multiple times that she wants space. Look, I've been there, it's taken me a long time to get to this point, but you need to leave her alone. Don't wait just two weeks and then get in contact with her again. The breakup is her choice and she's obviously going through a tough time with it, but is still remaining adamant that she made the right decision.

I don't know if she'll go back out with you - it could happen, but chances are slim to none. However, these will become extremely less so if you remain to contact her when she doesn't want you to - you're pushing her further and further away... even her friend has said for you not to contact her.

You're young, you'll get over this heartache eventually.

msg11

jerryh wrote: »

Just want to offer an update, we have been texting for two days now and she said that she doesnt hate me but she just wants to be single for now. She also rang me by "accident", we talked for ages and was like old times, I dont know does anyone think she will go out, get it out of her system, then want to get back together? anyone any experience of this?she said she wont be heading out or getting with others for the next while. her friend told me to not talk to her for two weeks and to see if she misses me so im going to do that, just want her back, i know its pathetic.

Listen to her friend. Your going to drive yourself up the wall. By the sounds of it she just wants to be friends and nothing more. If I was you just pull away from this ASAP.

jerryh

msg11 wrote: »

Listen to her friend. Your going to drive yourself up the wall. By the sounds of it she just wants to be friends and nothing more. If I was you just pull away from this ASAP.

Thanks man am doing for last few days, tough after 5 years though

ManOfMystery

It's hard to go 'cold turkey' with anything in life.

She was with you 5 years, but now wants to be on her own. And I'm sure there are solitary moments where she's maybe not 100% sure of herself or finding it weird, so she rings/texts you. You are effectively filling a dual role now as both her ex, and also being her emotional crutch to support her breakup with you, as weird as that is.

For your own good, I think you need to distance yourself from her. She may not be leading you on as such, but she is not giving you the distance and clear signals that you both need at this point. I think it sounds like the relationship has run its course and you shouldn't spend your time now hanging around waiting to see if she possibly changes her mind. You sound fairly young, so get out and enjoy yourself. Life changes at times, it's what you make of it that matters.

jerryh

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It's hard to go 'cold turkey' with anything in life.

She was with you 5 years, but now wants to be on her own. And I'm sure there are solitary moments where she's maybe not 100% sure of herself or finding it weird, so she rings/texts you. You are effectively filling a dual role now as both her ex, and also being her emotional crutch to support her breakup with you, as weird as that is.

For your own good, I think you need to distance yourself from her. She may not be leading you on as such, but she is not giving you the distance and clear signals that you both need at this point. I think it sounds like the relationship has run its course and you shouldn't spend your time now hanging around waiting to see if she possibly changes her mind. You sound fairly young, so get out and enjoy yourself. Life changes at times, it's what you make of it that matters.

Yup true deleted her on Facebook, getting her number blocked, going to make it clear that I never want to talk to her again!

Wibbs

ManOfMystery wrote: »

She was with you 5 years, but now wants to be on her own. And I'm sure there are solitary moments where she's maybe not 100% sure of herself or finding it weird, so she rings/texts you. You are effectively filling a dual role now as both her ex, and also being her emotional crutch to support her breakup with you, as weird as that is.

For your own good, I think you need to distance yourself from her. She may not be leading you on as such, but she is not giving you the distance and clear signals that you both need at this point.

This, so much this.

Personal take? The relationship was over for her long before she said she wanted space. Maybe somewhere in the middle of you studying? Who knows. Then she suggests a "break". These almost always precede a breakup. They're a test of the waters so to speak. Then, because you're caught off balance you do the bombarding with contact. IMHO and IME one of the surest ways to turn a break into a breakup. Her "I'm not sure, we've been together for so long, is it me?" stuff is turned into more confidence she's doing the right thing.

Now as MoM has said while she's not leading you on directly she may well be trying to keep you as "just friends", because of the shared history. Phrases that are red flags that reveal this kinda thinking are anything suggestive of possibly getting back together down the line. EG "my feelings may change in the future". That sort of stuff can keep people hanging on in hope. Great for her, not so great for you stuck in limbo.

Fair play for the blocking of contact. You're doing the right thing. Keep it up, one day at a time and all that. Again as MoM said go out and start the new phase of your life.

jerryh

Wibbs wrote: »

This, so much this.

Personal take? The relationship was over for her long before she said she wanted space. Maybe somewhere in the middle of you studying? Who knows. Then she suggests a "break". These almost always precede a breakup. They're a test of the waters so to speak. Then, because you're caught off balance you do the bombarding with contact. IMHO and IME one of the surest ways to turn a break into a breakup. Her "I'm not sure, we've been together for so long, is it me?" stuff is turned into more confidence she's doing the right thing.

Now as MoM has said while she's not leading you on directly she may well be trying to keep you as "just friends", because of the shared history. Phrases that are red flags that reveal this kinda thinking are anything suggestive of possibly getting back together down the line. EG "my feelings may change in the future". That sort of stuff can keep people hanging on in hope. Great for her, not so great for you stuck in limbo.

Fair play for the blocking of contact. You're doing the right thing. Keep it up, one day at a time and all that. Again as MoM said go out and start the new phase of your life.

Thanks man your right, she has act said she cant be friends either that she needs space, actually dont know what that means.

msg11

jerryh wrote: »

Thanks man your right, she has act said she cant be friends either that she needs space, actually dont know what that means.

She been polite to you. If you keep annoying her expect a feck off from her. What you doing is for the best it might not seem it. Giving her space she will either come back or not , nothing you can do about it.

You actully creating more harm and damage by keep in contact with her!

jerryh

Yup I know, her friend keeps saying she just needs space so thats what I will do, and try move on, but part of me will keep hoping she might come back!

Wibbs

jerryh wrote: »

Thanks man your right, she has act said she cant be friends either that she needs space, actually dont know what that means.

I tend to work on the general principle that people will tell you exactly what they mean, but too often others who want them to mean something else don't listen. That and actions speak louder than words. If she is avoiding contact with you, that's what she wants.

If she has said she doesn't want the friends part and isn't keeping in contact this is a good thing and she's making things better for you. Far better than using/keeping you hanging with a vague future promise. Fair play to her.

You mention her friend a bit. Don't listen to the friend is my advice. He/she may be passing on the actual feelings of your ex, but also might not be.

kylith

jerryh wrote: »

Thanks man your right, she has act said she cant be friends either that she needs space, actually dont know what that means.

It means exactly what it says. She does not want to be your friend. She wants you to stop calling her, stop texting her, and leave her alone.

You have constantly disregarded her when she has told you this before. Leave the girl alone before she starts thinking that you've turned into a stalker!

jerryh

I havent talked to her in days, she has contacted me twice first and I stopped the conversation both times.

jerryh

Been three weeks since break up, and one week NC, ran into a relative of hers today, now feel terrible, what to do?

Loughc

jerryh wrote: »

Been three weeks since break up, and one week NC, ran into a relative of hers today, now feel terrible, what to do?

Distract yourself as much as possible. STRICTLY NO CONTACT. Contact will make it harder to move on.

Focus on the things that make you happy, take up a new hobby or join a gym, exercise relieves stress, releases happy hormones, etc.

Taltos

OP - as you already have a thread open on this I have merged them for you. Per our charter please don't create multiple threads as normally this results in all of them being closed.

Thanks
Taltos

jerryh

Loughc wrote: »

Distract yourself as much as possible. STRICTLY NO CONTACT. Contact will make it harder to move on.

Focus on the things that make you happy, take up a new hobby or join a gym, exercise relieves stress, releases happy hormones, etc.

Ya your right, sorry about that just was real moment of weakness and wanted to break NC.

jerryh

Taltos wrote: »

OP - as you already have a thread open on this I have merged them for you. Per our charter please don't create multiple threads as normally this results in all of them being closed.

Thanks
Taltos

Sorry about that!

Breakups are difficult, OP. Keep yourself occupied and surrounded yourself with the people you care about.

And most importantly move on with your life.

jerryh

Deleted User wrote: »

Breakups are difficult, OP. Keep yourself occupied and surrounded yourself with the people you care about.

And most importantly move on with your life.

Thank you very much for your kind words. We broke NC there an hour ago, chatted for a while, her very warm sometimes cold the next, said she missed me and sorry for not talking just too soon after break up, then said she had to go. Kinda feel better after that but dunno if this is the high before the storm lol

If I were you, I would insist on no contact at all. You're obviously not ready to be back in contact with her - you need to move from one stage to the next in your head, which you haven't been able to do.

jerryh

Deleted User wrote: »

If I were you, I would insist on no contact at all. You're obviously not ready to be back in contact with her - you need to move from one stage to the next in your head, which you haven't been able to do.

Yup im finding it all very hard to accept and come to terms with. Its not her fault though i contact her, i think she could go with never talking to me again which bothers me more, i didnt cheat or anything.

jerryh

jerryh wrote: »

Yup im finding it all very hard to accept and come to terms with. Its not her fault though i contact her, i think she could go with never talking to me again which bothers me more, i didnt cheat or anything.

So again you decided not to listen to advice? *sigh* I know it's hard. Really hard. But you're not doing yourself any favours by constantly contacting her. It's just going to get even harder if you don't have any space between her and you.

Stavro Mueller

For your own sake I hope your ex-girlfriend meets some other guy soon. Because you don't seem to be capable of taking the very sensible advice that people here have given you again and again. If you had any sense at all you'd ask her to not contact you again or to answer calls/texts from you. Then you'd block her number, delete it and erase her from your life. Nobody said it was going to be easy but you do need to move on or you'll drive yourself around the twist.

jerryh

you are both very right sorry, i deleted her them from all social networking and seeing about blocking her number tomorrow, thank you all very much

jerryh

everyone knows my story, BU about 5 weeks now, got a text last night from her saying i miss you. she rang, i answered, she told me she loves me, always has, was just annoyed with me, misses me and has been so depressed last few weeks, and maybe to meet tomorrow to fix things. she said she wanted to see what it was like to be alone and she hated it and wanted me, said im her soulmate , just wants to talk if we meet though however promising nothing. she wants to get back but she is scared of it failing then keeps saying sorry for saying all that! she said she was angry that i didnt seem to want to better myself and she loves the way i have done it for myself and not for her. then however this morning she changed her mind, kept apologizing im absolutely in bits. she said she thinks she misses me as a friend and that she cant remember saying any of it because she was drunk, but does a drunk mind not speak a sober heart?she text me saying course she still had feelings and she cared about me but didnt want to meet. i rang her told her that drunk or not you dont say them things, told her i love her, she said she is confused and wants to be alone and doesnt even want to kiss a lad from now on, so i dont know, think thats it. will someone please offer some advice? im absolutely gutted.

homemadecider

Same advice as other posters before: cut all contact. Move on. She's a headwrecker.

ManOfMystery

My advice is you go back and read the last 4 pages again. Despite the text and phone call last night, nothing has changed.

She's still messing with your head, and she's still claiming she doesn't really know what she wants.

I posted previously that you need to distance yourself from her completely (that doesn't just mean not texting her, but it also means ignoring HER texts and calls because they never lead to anything but anguish for you).

She was using you as an emotional crutch weeks ago because she wasn't sure about being on her own, and she is still doing that. Her feelings for you aren't strong enough for her to commit fully, but she still wants you there in the background to feed her ego. And I imagine that sooner or later, someone will come along who she does feel strongly about and you'll suddenly be dropped completely.

Sorry to sound harsh, but people here have been through very similar situations and seen it all before - you really need to take their advice on board.

jerryh

thank you both for your advice, i hadnt been in contact for over a week and that was to sort something out, i was asleep and just answered have asleep. she told me she was so depressed last night and dreading her holiday cos she waanted to be with me, this morning shes very happy with life and so excited for the holiday? I know drunk can be a reason but it doesnt make you a complete liar surely? and yes i agree no contact is the only way to move on, back to that now.