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My ****ty could be better slam poetry. I would like opinions

  • 08-06-2013 2:06pm
    #1
    EducationFinder
    Registered Users Posts: 102 ✭✭


    To my Innocent first
    Dear #Mrbodycount
    (No, I don’t like you, I just you were cool enough to
    Kick it.
    I didn’t love you I just thought cute that’s why I kissed you.) Frank Ocean” Thinking about you”.

    That was our song in my head.
    You. Could. Have. had my number and simply stored it under
    Your maybes or some days…
    We could have met again at some party Few words would have been exchanged but we could have explored each other.

    Now I miss you, now I crave you. we didn't even know each other
    But I built myself a dream of what I needed of you and you fit.
    You fit so perfectly into my fairy tale, my prince.

    I can’t count how many times I took you apart in my head and put you back together, I toyed with
    Who you were. You were my doll that I felt to manipulate.

    I created a vision of you even though you didn't for me.
    I enjoyed your company despite the fact you didn't enjoy mine.
    I wish I told you how much I loved your smile your eyes your height... (No pauses till now) your deep voice that flows perfectly when you said my name.

    My body knew you were temporary so my lips never uttered a word of kindness towards you, just like you didn't to me.
    I loved all the physical aspects of you but definitely not you.

    I just needed the original for a bit longer to complete the copy.
    I spent months obsessing over you and soaking
    Up your words. I was convinced they were prophetic.
    Every lyrics,
    Every opinion,
    Every habit,
    Every hypocrite thought,
    Every sexiest remark.

    I built you to be perfect,
    A perfectly gentle thug
    A well-spoken brute
    An inaccurate speaker of truth
    An idiot genius.
    At the back, front and centre of my mind I knew you were going drifting
    You caught my eye only because you paid attention.
    You caught my attention only because I couldn't see you.

    To be honest if at any time YOU decide WE should try again
    I promise to aspect your flaws and make it perfect
    Tagged:


Comments

  • #2
    crfcaio
    Registered Users Posts: 81 ✭✭crfcaio


    I like the idea, but right now that is a lot of telling and little showing.

    Try to use vivid imagery to convey your feelings towards this person, metaphors to how this person treated you, etc.


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