Am I unattractive if I don't get approached by guys?

LegacyUser

I'm 20 so for a while I've noticed whenever I'm out in a bar or club anything I rarely get approached by guys. Now usually I don't pay too much attention to guys as I usually just focus on spending time with friends then getting off with some guy in a club. Guys do approach my friends but never me. I know I do feel awkward a lot of the time in clubs as I don't really know anyone and just speak to friends and only after a few drinks I relax and have fun more. Even on the dancefloor I don't really get approached either but again I feel slightly awkward I'm just not into the whole club scene really it makes me feel awkward but I do like it to an extent . Once my friends friend who didn't know me at the time randomly asked me if I'm shy which I can be at times. I do get guys who randomly try to kiss me sometimes and I walk away thats it really.

Usually I'm not the type of girl to dress with everything on show either I wear a nice dress or tops with shorts or some kind of skirts. wear loads of fake tan, plaster on my make up. I go gym a few times a week to keep fit.

I did have success to an extent on a dating website joined for about 2-3months met up with about 7-8 guys. Only one or two were terrible the rest were okay but only liked 1/2 out of all those guys and they didn't contact me again anyway. I was talkative, I don't know if it was my body language. Another guy who I didn't meet up with but was after more when I said I wasn't looking for that he said "yeah I thought you might say that you seem classy" and continued talking to me and respected me I guess.

I'm not totally shy either like I'm really talkative with my trainer or anyone else like hairdressers etc. I make an effort to get to know them and even in a concert queue I've started talking to people and being friendly.

What could I be doing wrong that I can't attract any guys?or would I be seen as intimidating if I'm not as outgoing as my friends? or my overall body language?

Esoteric_

You say guys try to kiss you on nights out, so that means they DO approach you, in the standard club scene. People don't approach you in a club for a deep and meaningful conversation, generally.

You say you're awkward in clubs, so that could be why people don't aproach you much. Awkward people look awkward, not attractive.

You say you wear loads of tan and plaster on the make up - why? Many guys like being able to actually see what the person they're talking to looks like! if you really 'plaster' the make up on, lay off it a bit.

If blokes try to kiss you on nights out then you ARE being approached, so I don't know what you mean when you say they don't approach you.

Czarcasm

OP it simply sounds like a case of you're looking for the right guys in all the wrong places.

Are you a member of any clubs, societies or associations? These are all great ways to meet guys, cast a wider net where you're comfortable so to speak and put yourself out there more- the more you put yourself out there, the more you tend to get noticed, the more guys you attract, and then you can have your pick of the bunch!

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP it simply sounds like a case of you're looking for the right guys in all the wrong places.

Are you a member of any clubs, societies or associations? These are all great ways to meet guys, cast a wider net where you're comfortable so to speak and put yourself out there more- the more you put yourself out there, the more you tend to get noticed, the more guys you attract, and then you can have your pick of the bunch!

I don't really plaster my make up on and wear fake tan made a typing error in the post .


I'm not really interested in any of the clubs/socs most is mainly sports activities my college is quite small as well so there isn't as many to choose from.

My course is quite male orientated most the time we spend is in the SU and there's always loads of guys there and only a few of us girls.

I did find more guys of my type on the dating site like the type of guys I'd go for wouldn't be in the places I'd go to.

Stavro Mueller

I get the impression that you want a boyfriend/a relationship rather than drunken snogs in nightclubs. There's nothing wrong with being uncomfortable in nightclubs. They aren't everyone's cup of tea and they can be quite the meat market. Maybe you should start looking elsewhere to meet someone. Wear nice clothes in your everyday life that flatter you, go easy on the make-up and be yourself. I've never understood the appeal of fake tan either but that's just me.

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

I get the impression that you want a boyfriend/a relationship rather than drunken snogs in nightclubs. There's nothing wrong with being uncomfortable in nightclubs. They aren't everyone's cup of tea and they can be quite the meat market. Maybe you should start looking elsewhere to meet someone. Wear nice clothes in your everyday life that flatter you, go easy on the make-up and be yourself. I've never understood the appeal of fake tan either but that's just me.

Yeah I guess so but I'm more of a see what happens.

I made a mistake in the post about the make up thing I meant to say I don't wear fake tan or overdo my make up like most girls.

Isit worth me joining the dating site again? I did meet some guys there that were more my type and I was only on it about 2-3months and met 8 even though I clicked with maybe only 2 others we got on well but more friendly and only 1/2 I didn't like or we didn't click at all.

Esoteric_

missanonymous111 wrote: »

Yeah I guess so but I'm more of a see what happens.

I made a mistake in the post about the make up thing I meant to say I don't wear fake tan or overdo my make up like most girls.

Isit worth me joining the dating site again? I did meet some guys there that were more my type and I was only on it about 2-3months and met 8 even though I clicked with maybe only 2 others we got on well but more friendly and only 1/2 I didn't like or we didn't click at all.

Online dating can be great, but you need a thick skin. Honestly, meeting 8 people in 2-3 months is a great amount to meet in such a short time.

If you decide you want to give online dating a go again, and you're a member of boards for more than 3 months, with 50+ posts, PM me and I can give you access to a private Online Dating Forum here on boards.

LegacyUser

Yeah I may join it again soon still deciding I just took a break from it really. I did find that mainly 22-27/28 on the dating site were the ones who seemed most interested.
I still think maybe my body language could be something I'm doing wrong I need to be more open or flirty.

Isit that I probably don't come across as easy to most guys in clubs?

Czarcasm

missanonymous111 wrote: »

Isit that I probably don't come across as easy to most guys in clubs?

Put it this way missanonymous-

When you just want a quick and easy meal, you don't go to Marco Pierre Whites.

meeeeh

I was rarely approached by men in clubs. Or let me phrase it differently I was rarely approached by guys who I was interested in. Quantity really doesn't mean quality. Just be yourself, being flirty just to get attention of first drunken idiot won't improve anything. Almost nobody I know met their long therm partner in a night club. I also know quite a few really pretty girls who men would be almost afraid to approach. Just be nice to those who are nice to you and feel free to ignore those who grab your arse first and then start talking to you. And eye contact is always important. If you look away as soon as someone catches your eyes (because you are shy) then they will think you are not interested.

Oh and don't form any conclusions about your attractiveness based on how many guys talk to you in a club. It doesn't work like that or only good looking people would be in relationships.

Stavro Mueller

missanonymous111 wrote: »

Yeah I may join it again soon still deciding I just took a break from it really. I did find that mainly 22-27/28 on the dating site were the ones who seemed most interested.
I still think maybe my body language could be something I'm doing wrong I need to be more open or flirty.

Is it that I probably don't come across as easy to most guys in clubs?

Why do you want to come across as easy?

Look, if you want a boyfriend and a relationship, a nightclub might not be the place to meet Mr Right. Especially if you're uncomfortable when you're in there. Do not mix up a more open and relaxed style of body language with appearing easy. They are not the same thing - or at least I'm not interpreting them in this way.

Can you not try other means of meeting guys instead of in nightclubs? Like through your own friends? Or in bars where the atmosphere's less charged? The gym? College? Hobbies?

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

Why do you want to come across as easy?

Look, if you want a boyfriend and a relationship, a nightclub might not be the place to meet Mr Right. Especially if you're uncomfortable when you're in there. Do not mix up a more open and relaxed style of body language with appearing easy. They are not the same thing - or at least I'm not interpreting them in this way.

Can you not try other means of meeting guys instead of in nightclubs? Like through your own friends? Or in bars where the atmosphere's less charged? The gym? College? Hobbies?

Oh no I don't want to appear easy I meant as in would they only go for girls who dress with more on show or more open.

Yeah I don't think I'm totally awkward with my body language it just depends where I am and who I'm with . I'm usually fairly relaxed and friendly most of the time mainly on one on one or in smaller groups.

Most of the guys I know are gay and would only know other gay guys and my friends know mainly girls. I'm not sure how I'd do the gym everyones always focused on their workout and same with me and most the guys are in the weight areas. The only way I would probably meet a guys is probably the online dating I guess or possibly college but I'm always shy at approaching guys that I'd want to talk to. I guess thats where the online dating comes in I find it easier there.

Czarcasm

missanonymous111 wrote: »

Oh no I don't want to appear easy I meant as in would they only go for girls who dress with more on show or more open.

They wouldn't "only" go for girls who dress with more on show or are more open missanonymous, I mean, it's like I was saying earlier- the more you put yourself out there, the more you tend to get noticed. In a club situation, you're going to get noticed more by the people you'd rather didn't notice you than be noticed by those you DO want to get noticed by, if that makes sense?

Most of the guys I know are gay and would only know other gay guys and my friends know mainly girls.

That could be part of the problem right there, I mean, you're limiting the scope of your friendships to gay guys and girls. There are plenty of straight guys out there for whom the main objective of their friendship with you isn't to get you into bed. They're scarce enough in nightclubs and so on, but you said you were doing a predominantly male oriented course in college. They can't ALL be gay!

I'm not sure how I'd do the gym everyones always focused on their workout and same with me and most the guys are in the weight areas.

I dunno about that anon, my wife often gets chatting to guys in the gym and it's not all about "do you even lift?", they'd often be sharing diet and nutrition tips and they'd be commenting on her techniquue and giving her advice and looking over her fitness logs and nutrition plans. They're very supportive and offer lots of encouragement, so it's really dependent on finding the right gym. A friend of mine runs zumba classes too and my wife goes to those and comments that there's plenty of guys do it. It wouldn't be MY thing, but I'm just throwing it out there as another great way to meet people.

The only way I would probably meet a guys is probably the online dating I guess or possibly college but I'm always shy at approaching guys that I'd want to talk to. I guess thats where the online dating comes in I find it easier there.

Aren't we all! If you work on your self confidence though and learn to push yourself past your comfort zone, you'll become more assertive and find it easier to talk to guys you find attractive. They're not Gods, they're just guys.

The online dating scene though, ohh I could go on for days about that one, but suffice to say that my own personal view of online dating is that sometimes it can, as you quite rightly pointed out there- it can be too easy to form false relationships and be more of a comfort zone for people who don't like to put themselves out there too much- they get all of the mental intimacy without any of that awkward physical stuff.

Now in saying that, and from my own experience of having been admin/owner of an online dating site- for every one happy ending story (I can think of three couples off the top of my head that got married having met on the site), there are at least a hundred more stories of frustration, confusion, insecurity, isolation and well, sheer desperation!

Online dating CAN be great, but a lot of where it stems from is people having too busy lives to be able to make time to really meet people in person to build up a relationship that could take months in an offline capacity. Ain't nobody got time for that, as they say, but in order for online dating to work for you, you're still going to have to make that initial physical meeting happen if you don't want to find yourself in the online friendzone so to speak.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

They wouldn't "only" go for girls who dress with more on show or are more open missanonymous, I mean, it's like I was saying earlier- the more you put yourself out there, the more you tend to get noticed. In a club situation, you're going to get noticed more by the people you'd rather didn't notice you than be noticed by those you DO want to get noticed by, if that makes sense?





That could be part of the problem right there, I mean, you're limiting the scope of your friendships to gay guys and girls. There are plenty of straight guys out there for whom the main objective of their friendship with you isn't to get you into bed. They're scarce enough in nightclubs and so on, but you said you were doing a predominantly male oriented course in college. They can't ALL be gay!





I dunno about that anon, my wife often gets chatting to guys in the gym and it's not all about "do you even lift?", they'd often be sharing diet and nutrition tips and they'd be commenting on her techniquue and giving her advice and looking over her fitness logs and nutrition plans. They're very supportive and offer lots of encouragement, so it's really dependent on finding the right gym. A friend of mine runs zumba classes too and my wife goes to those and comments that there's plenty of guys do it. It wouldn't be MY thing, but I'm just throwing it out there as another great way to meet people.




Aren't we all! If you work on your self confidence though and learn to push yourself past your comfort zone, you'll become more assertive and find it easier to talk to guys you find attractive. They're not Gods, they're just guys.

The online dating scene though, ohh I could go on for days about that one, but suffice to say that my own personal view of online dating is that sometimes it can, as you quite rightly pointed out there- it can be too easy to form false relationships and be more of a comfort zone for people who don't like to put themselves out there too much- they get all of the mental intimacy without any of that awkward physical stuff.

Now in saying that, and from my own experience of having been admin/owner of an online dating site- for every one happy ending story (I can think of three couples off the top of my head that got married having met on the site), there are at least a hundred more stories of frustration, confusion, insecurity, isolation and well, sheer desperation!

Online dating CAN be great, but a lot of where it stems from is people having too busy lives to be able to make time to really meet people in person to build up a relationship that could take months in an offline capacity. Ain't nobody got time for that, as they say, but in order for online dating to work for you, you're still going to have to make that initial physical meeting happen if you don't want to find yourself in the online friendzone so to speak.

- Yeah I probably should maybe try and relax more really and try and avoid being awkward.

- Yeah and me and my friends always go to the more gay friendly clubs which probably not many straight or only straight guys would be. The course I'm doing is really small I talk to them but I wouldn't want to date anyone. Although there is the su where we always hang out and there's always guys playing pool and that but I'm not good at pool so I never play.

- In the gym I'm usually always downstairs and most guys are upstairs I have been there before . The only person I really talk to in the gym is my trainer . Only girls do the zumba in the gym I'm at. Most people sorta keep to themselves or if they train with friends they talk to them.

- While I did try it I usually always tried to meet the person within a week or two to avoid any wait and to get the meet over sooner or later. Rather then spending ages talking online or texting. I just I find it's easier for me as I'd get to speak to guys that I probably wouldn't meet in the places I go to. I'm also express more than when it comes to meeting them it's easier as we've talked unless we don't click or get along at all it only happened once. Most the guys I did speak to they did say that girls rarely want to meet up and I was always up for meeting up maybe thats how it works for me somewhat.
The only reason I quit the site was mainly to work on confidence I think at the time I only joined it just to see and wasn't really trying too much. And as I thought maybe when I met the person maybe I'm not coming across confident enough so I was just waiting until I feel confident so it'll work better I am slightly more confident now.

meeeeh

missanonymous111 wrote: »

- Yeah I probably should maybe try and relax more really and try and avoid being awkward.

- Yeah and me and my friends always go to the more gay friendly clubs which probably not many straight or only straight guys would be. The course I'm doing is really small I talk to them but I wouldn't want to date anyone. Although there is the su where we always hang out and there's always guys playing pool and that but I'm not good at pool so I never play.

Op, were you in girls only secondary school? It just seems to me that you consider men just as possible dates not as friends. I would first befriend guys you study with and you might meet some of their friends and expand the network of male fruends. And start enjoying yourself. Early twenties are great to enjoy student life, get drunk, meet new people, travel and do whatever. Why would you want to be in a relationship so badly?

Meauldsegosha

missanonymous111 wrote: »

- Yeah I probably should maybe try and relax more really and try and avoid being awkward.

- Yeah and me and my friends always go to the more gay friendly clubs which probably not many straight or only straight guys would be. The course I'm doing is really small I talk to them but I wouldn't want to date anyone. Although there is the su where we always hang out and there's always guys playing pool and that but I'm not good at pool so I never play.

Use that to your advantage then. I can't play either but it doestn't stop me. Get into a game tell them you're not very good ask for some pointers, it will get the conversation flowing and you never know what can happen then.

Czarcasm

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Use that to your advantage then. I can't play either but it doestn't stop me. Get into a game tell them you're not very good ask for some pointers, it will get the conversation flowing and you never know what can happen then.

Meauldsegosha you took the words off my keypad (I'm on mobile!)

Seriously OP, it's not about whether you can or can't play pool, it's about the social aspect of it! I remember I went with a friend to a club with a pool table in it, it wasn't just the girls couldn't play, the guys were nothing to write home about either, but it didn't matter because they were having fun and interacting and having a laugh!

I mean, to all of what I wrote above, you've given reasons why you can't do this and you can't do that and the other, but what I think is great is that at least you're willing to work on it and you're making a good go of the online dating. I suppose if anything online dating has shown you that it doesn't happen instantly and there's more to a relationship that just passing each other your resumés and then meeting up for the interview!

Keep working on your confidence really OP and that inner confidence will begin to be reflected on the outside, reflected in your body language and the way you talk and interact with other people in general, not just for the sole purpose of talking to guys. Confidence is an extremely attractive quality no matter how aesthetically challenged you are, take it from someone who knows! :pac:

LegacyUser

meeeeh wrote: »

Op, were you in girls only secondary school? It just seems to me that you consider men just as possible dates not as friends. I would first befriend guys you study with and you might meet some of their friends and expand the network of male fruends. And start enjoying yourself. Early twenties are great to enjoy student life, get drunk, meet new people, travel and do whatever. Why would you want to be in a relationship so badly?

I went to a mixed school I did talk to guys I'm not bad at talking to guys it's just most guys I end up talking to and becoming friends with are always gay. I'm good at talking to lads once I've spoken I'm not good at the approaching someone I don't know even if it was a girl I'd be the same. I know I do enjoy student life but I'm not really the type of girl who wants to get drunk all the time every weekend I like to do other things as well. I don't really mind about the relationship I mean it'd just be nice to try and put myself out there somehow. I guess that could be why guys my age don't seem as interested as well as I'm not the party girl type but I will go out occasionally just not as much as most.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

Meauldsegosha you took the words off my keypad (I'm on mobile!)

Seriously OP, it's not about whether you can or can't play pool, it's about the social aspect of it! I remember I went with a friend to a club with a pool table in it, it wasn't just the girls couldn't play, the guys were nothing to write home about either, but it didn't matter because they were having fun and interacting and having a laugh!

I mean, to all of what I wrote above, you've given reasons why you can't do this and you can't do that and the other, but what I think is great is that at least you're willing to work on it and you're making a good go of the online dating. I suppose if anything online dating has shown you that it doesn't happen instantly and there's more to a relationship that just passing each other your resumés and then meeting up for the interview!

Keep working on your confidence really OP and that inner confidence will begin to be reflected on the outside, reflected in your body language and the way you talk and interact with other people in general, not just for the sole purpose of talking to guys. Confidence is an extremely attractive quality no matter how aesthetically challenged you are, take it from someone who knows! :pac:

Usually there's only me and 3/4 other girls and loads of guys there no other girls really go there much. I always thought if I wasn't good at pool they might not want to play against me. Like I'm not terribly shy I'm actually really independent and can be confident at times.

Yeah some of the online dating meets did feel more like interviews probably because most were sitting across a table asking questions and talking and what not. The ones I felt the most comfortable we were just standing side by side in upstairs talking because it was packed downstairs but then he said he was moving away to England. So I guess it can work in a casual setting where it feels casual and relaxed. The girls I hang with in college are really confident guys always go to them they're really close but know quite a few though.

Est28

Hi missanonymous,
This thread rang home to me a little because some girl friends of mine have said similar things recently and I said the same thing to them as I will here...

... while some of the advice given is all well and good, this is coming from a guy who once struggled in this environment but now does quite well. And by well I don't mean random hookups... I mean going from a shy quiet guy who'd talk to nobody but his friends to a quite social guy who now enjoys meeting new people and does so more easily.

So here's the guys perspective:

- Guys are shy, especially Irish guys, for all their bravado, walking over to a girl and getting shot down is bad enough but Irish guys have a habit of berating their friends for failing with jeers and jibes (even though those guys wouldn't approach themselves) and a lot of guys just give up unless they've taken on a lot of drink. Some girls just assume all guys go around chatting up every girl in the place, coming from a guy... I'd say 1 in about 7 or 8 guys I know actively approach girls when they go out, the rest NEVER do.

- Quite often these are good guys but don't like to expose themselves, nothing wrong with YOU making the first move to talk, they'll usually love that you did and you'll find them really friendly.

- My girl friends have said the same thing about guys not approaching, firstly... guys DO approach you, but not the ones you want, so you can't say NOBODY does but girls don't even think of that sometimes... just because they don't fancy a guy doesn't mean he didn't approach!

- Girls often even dismiss guys they like because they assume he's chatted every other girl up in the place or he's a player or whatever. The truth is... I've seen some buddies of mine get nice looks from girls, spend the whole night trying to get the courage to approach her, and when he does... he gets shot down immediately because she doesn't act welcoming... maybe it's a test, I don't know but the "player" will just brush it off and plow through until you talk to him, the nicer guy often retreats back to his friends and has no comeback for you, then probably won't approach a girl again for 6 months after being shot down so horribly.... this is the 100% truth. Be welcoming and friendly if he appears nice!

- Yes, since some guys take a few drinks to warm up socially and since most guys have no idea what to say or do to approach a girl anyway, we invariably say or do something stupid. Simply because they don't know any better, they don't know the right thing to say and simply throw whatever the first thing on their mind is out there... If the guy seems kind of ok, engage him past the stupid opening comment and see if he relaxes and chats a bit more normal. He'll be less nervous if you appear nice to him. If he still appears like a dope, move on.

- THE BIG ONE! Do you make yourself OPEN to being approached? That doesn't have anything to do with what you wear or appearing "easy"... but look at it this way:
If you always spend a lot of time talking to your friends... how do you appear to others?
If you see a guy you like, say Hi! That's all, even let him take it from there.
Smile or make eye contact with him so he KNOWS you are interested. Then let him get the courage to approach you. But let him know!
If he is standing near, brush against him casually, he'll know your there.

Next... how easy is it for a guy to GET TO YOU?
I can't tell how many times, me or a buddy have been out and you see a really nice girl but you literally have to jump over tables, through crowds of friends to get to her. Guys HATE having to work a big crowd of friends unless they are VERY socially adept. Most aren't.

If you are single and available, forget the dance-floor (I could elaborate on this one but given what you are looking for, it's not the place to be.). Hang in open areas or near the bar if it's not too busy to stand near. You're in people's views and you're in the path.

Next... HOW do you stand? Are you ALWAYS with friends? It's not bad to just talk a little lap of the club or bar yourself every 10-20 mins, guys will more than likely find it easier to stop and talk to you.
If you are in a circle of friends, NEVER stand in the middle, never stand on the wall or bar side looking out, never looks so totally engaged in their conversation that you wouldn't be interested in talking to someone else, you are being totally isolated.

The most approachable girls to me?
They are NOT dressed overly "easy", they don't fall all over guys, they aren't overly forward.
They WILL smile and say Hi to people, they will make polite conversation to ANYONE whether they like them or not. Even if you're not totally into this guy, people will see you as outgoing, friendly, chatty, easy to approach because you're talking nicely to anyone who engages you.

Even in a group, they'll stay on the "outside" a little or roll to the side a little in a circle instead of huddling in, they'll stand where people will see them, bump into them, etc... it's not being easy... but that amazing "moment" doesn't just happen, you have to set yourself up for it a little.

And they aren't so entralled by shopping stories with their friends that it looks like you can't interrupt. Usually if you see 2-3 girls hanging out but maybe not talking TOO much then these are usually the nicest to talk to. They've probably talked themselves out of girly stories and are just looking for someone nice to come make fun conversation and just make their night!

To me, these girls are not "easy", but they are easy to approach and see if chatting to them is a good experience and we have fun. I'll ask that girl for her number if we click.

Lastly.... back to your friends... this is a big one too...
Are they all single? And do they encourage you to meet people? Quite often, even if ALL of the above was great and I got chatting to a lovely girl, her friend(s) will all of a sudden get pushy and aggressive, start challenging the guy, start being mean to him, even push him away...
If your friends know you are single and looking.... when you DO get chatting to someone, they should be friendly to the guy too. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than meeting someone who appears lovely only to have the conversation interrupted by rude, annoying friends and want to get rid of you. Even if you are lovely, if I took it any further, clearly these girls do not approve and I'd have to deal with them day in and day out. It's not worth it... you're friends play a big part too, and you with them also.

Irish girls often get a reputation of just being difficult to approach, stand out by being the one who is not. If you don't like a guy, you can politely let him know but it's a numbers game in the end... the more guys you are open to approaching you, the more likely you'll meet the right one.

I know a lot of people will disagree but just trying to give you the real perspective of someone who's had his own troubles in this area and figured it out and also from a guys perspective rather than what other girls THINK guys think.

LegacyUser

Est28 wrote: »

Hi missanonymous,
This thread rang home to me a little because some girl friends of mine have said similar things recently and I said the same thing to them as I will here...

... while some of the advice given is all well and good, this is coming from a guy who once struggled in this environment but now does quite well. And by well I don't mean random hookups... I mean going from a shy quiet guy who'd talk to nobody but his friends to a quite social guy who now enjoys meeting new people and does so more easily.

So here's the guys perspective:

- Guys are shy, especially Irish guys, for all their bravado, walking over to a girl and getting shot down is bad enough but Irish guys have a habit of berating their friends for failing with jeers and jibes (even though those guys wouldn't approach themselves) and a lot of guys just give up unless they've taken on a lot of drink. Some girls just assume all guys go around chatting up every girl in the place, coming from a guy... I'd say 1 in about 7 or 8 guys I know actively approach girls when they go out, the rest NEVER do.

- Quite often these are good guys but don't like to expose themselves, nothing wrong with YOU making the first move to talk, they'll usually love that you did and you'll find them really friendly.

- My girl friends have said the same thing about guys not approaching, firstly... guys DO approach you, but not the ones you want, so you can't say NOBODY does but girls don't even think of that sometimes... just because they don't fancy a guy doesn't mean he didn't approach!

- Girls often even dismiss guys they like because they assume he's chatted every other girl up in the place or he's a player or whatever. The truth is... I've seen some buddies of mine get nice looks from girls, spend the whole night trying to get the courage to approach her, and when he does... he gets shot down immediately because she doesn't act welcoming... maybe it's a test, I don't know but the "player" will just brush it off and plow through until you talk to him, the nicer guy often retreats back to his friends and has no comeback for you, then probably won't approach a girl again for 6 months after being shot down so horribly.... this is the 100% truth. Be welcoming and friendly if he appears nice!

- Yes, since some guys take a few drinks to warm up socially and since most guys have no idea what to say or do to approach a girl anyway, we invariably say or do something stupid. Simply because they don't know any better, they don't know the right thing to say and simply throw whatever the first thing on their mind is out there... If the guy seems kind of ok, engage him past the stupid opening comment and see if he relaxes and chats a bit more normal. He'll be less nervous if you appear nice to him. If he still appears like a dope, move on.

- THE BIG ONE! Do you make yourself OPEN to being approached? That doesn't have anything to do with what you wear or appearing "easy"... but look at it this way:
If you always spend a lot of time talking to your friends... how do you appear to others?
If you see a guy you like, say Hi! That's all, even let him take it from there.
Smile or make eye contact with him so he KNOWS you are interested. Then let him get the courage to approach you. But let him know!
If he is standing near, brush against him casually, he'll know your there.

Next... how easy is it for a guy to GET TO YOU?
I can't tell how many times, me or a buddy have been out and you see a really nice girl but you literally have to jump over tables, through crowds of friends to get to her. Guys HATE having to work a big crowd of friends unless they are VERY socially adept. Most aren't.

If you are single and available, forget the dance-floor (I could elaborate on this one but given what you are looking for, it's not the place to be.). Hang in open areas or near the bar if it's not too busy to stand near. You're in people's views and you're in the path.

Next... HOW do you stand? Are you ALWAYS with friends? It's not bad to just talk a little lap of the club or bar yourself every 10-20 mins, guys will more than likely find it easier to stop and talk to you.
If you are in a circle of friends, NEVER stand in the middle, never stand on the wall or bar side looking out, never looks so totally engaged in their conversation that you wouldn't be interested in talking to someone else, you are being totally isolated.

The most approachable girls to me?
They are NOT dressed overly "easy", they don't fall all over guys, they aren't overly forward.
They WILL smile and say Hi to people, they will make polite conversation to ANYONE whether they like them or not. Even if you're not totally into this guy, people will see you as outgoing, friendly, chatty, easy to approach because you're talking nicely to anyone who engages you.

Even in a group, they'll stay on the "outside" a little or roll to the side a little in a circle instead of huddling in, they'll stand where people will see them, bump into them, etc... it's not being easy... but that amazing "moment" doesn't just happen, you have to set yourself up for it a little.

And they aren't so entralled by shopping stories with their friends that it looks like you can't interrupt. Usually if you see 2-3 girls hanging out but maybe not talking TOO much then these are usually the nicest to talk to. They've probably talked themselves out of girly stories and are just looking for someone nice to come make fun conversation and just make their night!

To me, these girls are not "easy", but they are easy to approach and see if chatting to them is a good experience and we have fun. I'll ask that girl for her number if we click.

Lastly.... back to your friends... this is a big one too...
Are they all single? And do they encourage you to meet people? Quite often, even if ALL of the above was great and I got chatting to a lovely girl, her friend(s) will all of a sudden get pushy and aggressive, start challenging the guy, start being mean to him, even push him away...
If your friends know you are single and looking.... when you DO get chatting to someone, they should be friendly to the guy too. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than meeting someone who appears lovely only to have the conversation interrupted by rude, annoying friends and want to get rid of you. Even if you are lovely, if I took it any further, clearly these girls do not approve and I'd have to deal with them day in and day out. It's not worth it... you're friends play a big part too, and you with them also.

Irish girls often get a reputation of just being difficult to approach, stand out by being the one who is not. If you don't like a guy, you can politely let him know but it's a numbers game in the end... the more guys you are open to approaching you, the more likely you'll meet the right one.

I know a lot of people will disagree but just trying to give you the real perspective of someone who's had his own troubles in this area and figured it out and also from a guys perspective rather than what other girls THINK guys think.

Wow thanks for the long post


I think the main reason I haven't really approached any guys where I go to is because it's mainly a gay friendly so there's only likely to be a few and I don't want to approach a guy only to find out he's not straight. If I was in a straight bar I may if I had enough drink.


With my friends I'm usually either talking or standing listening to them talk because I can't always think of something to say. I'm think I could look bored at times as I might stand there not knowing what to do this is because the dancefloor isn't open yet.
Sometimes I do make eye contact with guys but I always look away very quickly and might only glance back a few times and leave it as that. I don't usually smile while I look.

I'm usually only with 3/4 people at the most I do go out to the smoking area even though I don't smoke. I'm usually always at the side and I am usually by a wall or against something. I usually go with a girl and guy that are together and one other guy and he's sorta seeing someone now too so everyones with people. They usually don't mind other guys or anyone coming over.

Est28

missanonymous111 wrote: »

Wow thanks for the long post


I think the main reason I haven't really approached any guys where I go to is because it's mainly a gay friendly so there's only likely to be a few and I don't want to approach a guy only to find out he's not straight. If I was in a straight bar I may if I had enough drink.


With my friends I'm usually either talking or standing listening to them talk because I can't always think of something to say. I'm think I could look bored at times as I might stand there not knowing what to do this is because the dancefloor isn't open yet.
Sometimes I do make eye contact with guys but I always look away very quickly and might only glance back a few times and leave it as that. I don't usually smile while I look.

I'm usually only with 3/4 people at the most I do go out to the smoking area even though I don't smoke. I'm usually always at the side and I am usually by a wall or against something. I usually go with a girl and guy that are together and one other guy and he's sorta seeing someone now too so everyones with people. They usually don't mind other guys or anyone coming over.

I think it all boils down to maximizing your possibilities then.
Try some of the suggestions above, change where you go, make yourself "approachable" and you'll begin to notice a difference.

It just sounds like where you go and what you do limit your oppertunities.

Guys often get a name for approaching lots of girls but in the end its a numbers game.

LegacyUser

Yeah I guess that could be it. I'm going out tonight so I'll try and make myself more approachable and follow the tips. I'll let you know how I get on

LegacyUser

Went out last night a few guy did talk to me a little just saying hello .
One asked me if I was bored so I don't know if possibly I look bored sometimes.
When people are usually just standing around.

I've just realised something I feel more self conscious when I'm dressed up than when I'm dressed casually in jeans or whatever. That could be why I always feel awkward. Even if I'm wearing a nice dress I still feel self conscious I don't why because I don't always like attention.

Stavro Mueller

As I said before, maybe nightclubs don't suit you. Not everyone feels comfortable or confident in them. They're also not the only way to meet guys. Perhaps you should start looking at other ways too.

Est28

missanonymous111 wrote: »

Went out last night a few guy did talk to me a little just saying hello .
One asked me if I was bored so I don't know if possibly I look bored sometimes.
When people are usually just standing around.

I've just realised something I feel more self conscious when I'm dressed up than when I'm dressed casually in jeans or whatever. That could be why I always feel awkward. Even if I'm wearing a nice dress I still feel self conscious I don't why because I don't always like attention.

That's good.
Honestly, if a guy tries to talk to you with something like that don't take it badly.. it's actually positive thing.
That was sort of the idea I was getting at, not that you have to look bored, but if a few girls look like they aren't totally wrapped up in each other it usually makes them seem more approachable like they would welcome someone to come make their night with some good conversation.

So it sounds like you took the tips! Which is great!

If that was the line he used to start conversation, it was probably a situational thing and he didn't really ahve a good line or somethign awesome to say in the moment but I'd guess he might be one of the "nicer guys" so in that case try just chat back with him, ask how his night is, see if you can get some banter going with him.


Sounds like it's a start though, keep it up, you sound like a nice girl who guys would like to get to know so best of luck.

Would you consider asking your friends to do something else apart from going to a nightclub?

You've already received some pretty good advice on here, so not sure what else I could add apart from asking if you know the fact there's an online dating forum here on boards? Drop knucklehead6 a message if you want access - http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/private.php?do=newpm&u=596289

I would personally choose online dating over a mightclub any day, when I want something more substantial than a drunken fumble.

homemadecider

You could try going to non-gay clubs for a start. Not being smart, but I don't see how you could expect to meet a potential boyfriend there.

LegacyUser

I am thinking about trying out online dating again I did meet guys on the site I usually met up with a guy in the space of a week or two. I was on it for about 2-3 months and met 7 guys. None turned out to be crazies luckily. I'm just waiting til I feel more confident. I feel possibly I don't appear that confident even though when I meet the person I am confident or try to be talkative my my body language is too closed off or something. Although I did get pretty close to a guy once. I could just need to change my strategy. I'm waiting until I get better pictures I don't have many pictures. I know before I had many self shots.

Yeah I know I am going to try and get my friends to go somewhere else for a change thats straight. But still I don't think I'll meet a guy in a club the most you'd get is a kiss and thats it. Although my friend met her boyfriend in a gay club.

KnocKnocKnock

I think you seem awkward because in the back of your head you're constantly thinking "there's something wrong with me, I should be different" and your lack of confidence shows.

It's a shame but we're raised in a culture where everyone is encouraged to be a complete extrovert and being described as an introvert is seen as negative. Being seen as quiet has connotations of being unfriendly, anti-social, boring and this isn't fair. Not everyone is an extrovert and this isn't a bad thing. Introverts just have different strengths in social situations. For example, many might see you as more down to earth and genuine than some of your mad hatter friends, many will think you are friendly and genuinely interested in them because you listen to them more than speak yourself.

Just because you're quieter or more introverted than your friends doesn't mean that you're not a friendly person, that you don't chat, that you don't like meeting new people or that you're anti social. You probably just like to think longer before you speak, assess a situation for a bit longer before making your move and you prefer to listen to others more than speak. You need to understand what strengths you have and try not to worry so much that you are not like some of your friends.

I think your nerves will be shot if you constantly think about how you're standing and where your standing and how you "come across". For one thing it's so subjective. For ten guys who think you looked bored, ten more will think you're just listening normally, for ten guys who like your talkative friends, ten more will think they're brash and annoying. Just keep telling yourself you don't need to be different, you don't have to act a certain way or come across as anything. You say you sometimes "don't know what to say" -there's nothing wrong with that! You don't have to constantly chat. If you feel uncomfortable in a situation like that, tell yourself "I just don't have anything to say right now" - that's ok.

If you want to work on approaching people or small talk, you could start a conversation with someone at the bar about the music, how packed the club is etc but don't try and completely change your personality. I'd also agree nightclubs probably aren't the best place to meet new people.

TL;DR: You're not as extrovert as your friends and that's fine. You have your own strengths when it comes to social situations. The world is such a subjective place so don't worry about "coming across" a certain way. If you just accept your own strengths and feel comfortable with yourself your confidence will come through and you won't be so awkward.

LegacyUser

KnocKnocKnock wrote: »

I think you seem awkward because in the back of your head you're constantly thinking "there's something wrong with me, I should be different" and your lack of confidence shows.

It's a shame but we're raised in a culture where everyone is encouraged to be a complete extrovert and being described as an introvert is seen as negative. Being seen as quiet has connotations of being unfriendly, anti-social, boring and this isn't fair. Not everyone is an extrovert and this isn't a bad thing. Introverts just have different strengths in social situations. For example, many might see you as more down to earth and genuine than some of your mad hatter friends, many will think you are friendly and genuinely interested in them because you listen to them more than speak yourself.

Just because you're quieter or more introverted than your friends doesn't mean that you're not a friendly person, that you don't chat, that you don't like meeting new people or that you're anti social. You probably just like to think longer before you speak, assess a situation for a bit longer before making your move and you prefer to listen to others more than speak. You need to understand what strengths you have and try not to worry so much that you are not like some of your friends.

I think your nerves will be shot if you constantly think about how you're standing and where your standing and how you "come across". For one thing it's so subjective. For ten guys who think you looked bored, ten more will think you're just listening normally, for ten guys who like your talkative friends, ten more will think they're brash and annoying. Just keep telling yourself you don't need to be different, you don't have to act a certain way or come across as anything. You say you sometimes "don't know what to say" -there's nothing wrong with that! You don't have to constantly chat. If you feel uncomfortable in a situation like that, tell yourself "I just don't have anything to say right now" - that's ok.

If you want to work on approaching people or small talk, you could start a conversation with someone at the bar about the music, how packed the club is etc but don't try and completely change your personality. I'd also agree nightclubs probably aren't the best place to meet new people.

TL;DR: You're not as extrovert as your friends and that's fine. You have your own strengths when it comes to social situations. The world is such a subjective place so don't worry about "coming across" a certain way. If you just accept your own strengths and feel comfortable with yourself your confidence will come through and you won't be so awkward.

Yeah everything you said is true. I am introverted but I do talk a lot if I'm in a environment where I feel comfortable and I know most people. The times I have felt the most awkward is when I don't really know many people or friends are in the middle of talking to other friends that I don't know.

Like I am really talkative with everyone else on one on one or smaller groups and I always chat to people say like my hairdresser or trainer etc I always make conversation.

Possibly I'm bored of the club I do go to I only ever go to the same maybe I need a change of scene. The last few times I've I've enjoyed it but I've just found it boring . I'd even go to a bar and not a club but most prefer clubs.

beks101

Just reading the thread title gave me a mental image of a young woman dressed up to the nines standing self consciously in the middle of a club feeling awkward and getting more miserable as the night wears on because she's not getting the drunken chat up lines that all the other girls seem to get.

Ah I remember it well. I spent many years in my late teens early 20s feeling inadequate because I wasn't the girl getting approached/harassed 20 times a night in these loud, crazy places, and it said more about my own lack of confidence and need for external validation than anything else. I wouldn't feel any better when I did get the approaches, because then Id be thinking "he's probably tried 10 girls before me" or "he's only after the ride anyway"

Seriously, work on your self confidence. If you knew your own self worth, you'd have the perspective on this to know that your attractiveness isn't determined by the amount of lads who try it on with you in these places, more likely that has to do with how short your dress is or where you're positioned in the club. I know a stunning looking lady who will "dress down" some nights to avoid attention - by which she means trousers & light makeup as opposed to a skirt & full face of slap - and it'll cut the attention by half. Please, please stop looking for validation of your looks in these places - it really is that fickle.

And Ive never met a boyfriend in a club. All that has ever amounted to for me is a one night stand or drunken kiss with a faceless randomer Ive never seen again. All of my exes were friends of friends who met me at a house party or work drinks or some random event or class I took with the intention of spending quality time with friends and getting to know the city better. I was happy, smiling, friendly, relaxed and not self conscious because I was only there for the craic, not with the expectations of meeting a new boyfriend. So they met me at my best - fresh faced and happy to chat away to anyone - as opposed to cowering in a club with too much makeup on and a dress that made me feel totally exposed and insecure.

_dublinlad_

From a guys perspective I would have only one bit of advice - Stop trying.

What I mean by this is - do all the things you love doing the most. Be the person you want to be. Be happy within yourself.
Dress how you like to dress. Have confidence in yourself. Forget about meeting men or the man of your dreams for now. Work on being as happy as you can be and the right man will come along because of this.

I was the male equivalent of you a while back and I was given this advice. I took it, it worked.. and its some of the best advice I've ever been given.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

Just reading the thread title gave me a mental image of a young woman dressed up to the nines standing self consciously in the middle of a club feeling awkward and getting more miserable as the night wears on because she's not getting the drunken chat up lines that all the other girls seem to get.

Ah I remember it well. I spent many years in my late teens early 20s feeling inadequate because I wasn't the girl getting approached/harassed 20 times a night in these loud, crazy places, and it said more about my own lack of confidence and need for external validation than anything else. I wouldn't feel any better when I did get the approaches, because then Id be thinking "he's probably tried 10 girls before me" or "he's only after the ride anyway"

Seriously, work on your self confidence. If you knew your own self worth, you'd have the perspective on this to know that your attractiveness isn't determined by the amount of lads who try it on with you in these places, more likely that has to do with how short your dress is or where you're positioned in the club. I know a stunning looking lady who will "dress down" some nights to avoid attention - by which she means trousers & light makeup as opposed to a skirt & full face of slap - and it'll cut the attention by half. Please, please stop looking for validation of your looks in these places - it really is that fickle.

And Ive never met a boyfriend in a club. All that has ever amounted to for me is a one night stand or drunken kiss with a faceless randomer Ive never seen again. All of my exes were friends of friends who met me at a house party or work drinks or some random event or class I took with the intention of spending quality time with friends and getting to know the city better. I was happy, smiling, friendly, relaxed and not self conscious because I was only there for the craic, not with the expectations of meeting a new boyfriend. So they met me at my best - fresh faced and happy to chat away to anyone - as opposed to cowering in a club with too much makeup on and a dress that made me feel totally exposed and insecure.

Lol oh no I don't dress as covered up as muchas that just usually dresses that like aren't too short or too long that like sit at the right part of the leg or I wear shorts. I usually don't like being chatted up anyway but it does make you feel attractive in a way when some guys do. Although I feel more confident when I'm dressed in my casual style but do dress fairly in style like really to be honest I'd rather go to the club wear jeans and boots with a nice top if I could but I just dress up because I'll look too casual if I don't. Like I used to be a tomboy who hated skirts, dresses but I've changed I don't mind them too much now but still I prefer jeans or shorts.
I know if I was going out dressed up I always feel more self conscious on the bus or bus stop and around busy places.

Yeah I don't mind too much about the drunken kisses and that I see them as pointless now like it's a waste of time. I know a few college people I've been out with usually expect you to meet someone. Like I would rather meet someone in a more casual setting but I'm never really around places that I would bump into anyone.

LegacyUser

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

From a guys perspective I would have only one bit of advice - Stop trying.

What I mean by this is - do all the things you love doing the most. Be the person you want to be. Be happy within yourself.
Dress how you like to dress. Have confidence in yourself. Forget about meeting men or the man of your dreams for now. Work on being as happy as you can be and the right man will come along because of this.

I was the male equivalent of you a while back and I was given this advice. I took it, it worked.. and its some of the best advice I've ever been given.

Best of luck.

Yeah thats what I'm thinking of working on and not going back on the online dating until I feel more confident and happier that could be where i went wrong on the site.

Stavro Mueller

Don't limit your horizons to just nightclubs or online dating. They're not the only places where you can potentially meet boyfriends. You could meet them through your friends or other social situations you find yourself in. Also, don't try too hard. If you do, you run the risk of coming across as desperate. Now that's a major turn-off and will send lads running in the opposite direction. Some people find that when they're not too fussed whether they meet someone or not and they're just enjoying themselves with their friends, that's when someone comes along.

LegacyUser

cymbaline wrote: »

Don't limit your horizons to just nightclubs or online dating. They're not the only places where you can potentially meet boyfriends. You could meet them through your friends or other social situations you find yourself in. Also, don't try too hard. If you do, you run the risk of coming across as desperate. Now that's a major turn-off and will send lads running in the opposite direction. Some people find that when they're not too fussed whether they meet someone or not and they're just enjoying themselves with their friends, that's when someone comes along.

I've never really gone out with the intention of meeting guys I usually don't care whether I meet a guy and focus on enjoying myself with my friends. I have other friends who go out intentionally to meet guys and nearly always do but it's not like longterm thing just the general club kiss or whatever.
I'm just working on getting more confident at the moment I won't be like that after either but I guess I'll just appear happier or something. I don't if it's because I'm not as touchy feely I'd be more aloof .

DonQuigleone

I wouldn't worry too much about whether or not you're attractive. Unless you look like a troll, there will always be a lot of guys who'll find you attractive. And heck, I know some guys who are into women that would not be stereotypically "attractive". In terms of guys not approaching you in clubs, maybe you don't look open to being talked too. But I wouldn't overly worry about it.

Work on being happy with who you are. After all, how can you expect someone else to love you if you can't love yourself?