A q for Parents with grown up children?

December2012

To those of you whose children are grown up or nearly there, tell me please, as a mother to two preschoolers (2 and 4),....... Does parenting get easier? When?

My kids are great but right now they're all consuming.

Messy little tykes too, but I don't mind that - although I do look forward to them being old and able enough for me to be happy with them keeping their toys in their rooms and playing there instead of all over my lounge!

What are your experiences?

Eg when they can do something independent such as dressing does something additional come up that they need help with?

I know that I will always worry, always care and always be wiling to support them, no matter their age, much like my own parents and in laws do for me and my husband.

I am just interested in others realistic observations.

Justask

I know this is not what you want to hear but I'd live for mine to be 2 and 4 again. I'd love to be picking up little toys etc. I used to be like you and wonder when things get less hectic.
But going from little dotes running around with mucky hands cuddles giggles days outs etc to...

Running in the door up the stairs 'weres my jeans?' 'Weres my bla bla bla' 'can I have money' 'whats for dinner' and out again with mates/girlfriend.

Going from up at 6.30 every morning to trying to drag them out of the bed!

Enjoy every minute of the muckiness and toy cos they grown up to quick

deisemum

I think from 5 - 10 is a lovely stage. I've seen studies that said 15 is the eye of the storm with teenagers in regard to being moody and horrible to you and with 2 teenagers both have been obnoxious at times especially at 15.

I find my worries about them increase the older the get but I wouldn't like to go back to the toddler years and they weren't particularly bold or demanding toddlers, they just took up so much of my time and energy.

Mr.Wemmick

Funnily enough, we were just looking at photos of our 5 year old yesterday when she was 2 and did the usual oh-ing and ah-ing which we all do when we look back. She was a gorgeous 2 year old but then I remembered that I barely got a chance to look at her when she was two or three because she never stopped running/moving, and as a result neither did I. Also there were lots of photos of my other half with our two kids (then 2 and 5) in parks, out and about.. and I wondered where I was, oh yeah, that's right, exhausted and catching up with sleep

Now they're 5 and 8 and I must say they're fab.. and so much easier. For a start they both sleep all night now (the younger of the two was a bad sleeper up until 4). They both do calm things with me: bake or cook, do art/crafts/ homework at the kitchen table every day.. The difference between then and now is huge so hang in there OP it does get easier.. I also love the conversation stage now when they want to know so many things about the world, the universe and everything in between - though just remember to have rules like: no big or complicated questions in the car when driving and when going out the door looking for keys, bags etc; and when in the supermarket or you are sure to come home having forgotten to buy that night's dinner

Goody2Shoes77

I'd love to tell you that parenting gets easier as that's what you want to hear but in all honesty it doesn't!!!!

It changes, though. As your little ones grow their needs change as they become more independent in some ways in that they can do things for themselves. So there's an 'easier' side to it. But then comes the 'independent thinker with an opinion of his/her own and not afraid to voice it' LOL. As you say yourself you'll still worry no matter what age they are.....

If I could go back in time and freeze mine at 2 and 4 boy would I. I'd forget about the mess of toys strewn around the place and grubby little fingers marking the windows LOL. Time goes by too quickly :sigh:

Mr.Wemmick

If you have not had a full night's sleep for years with small children there is no way you would want to go back to that. I am so glad I am passed the 0-5 stage as I must say it was a hard slog.. and if any parent has a child who is sick a lot, that too can be is a constant worry when they're small - it's a relief when they get older and stronger.

I do think that most parents have natural skills/abilities that suit certain ages of child hood. Some are better with the early years but later have difficulty whilst others find from 9 going into teenage years more enjoyable/easier to manage and vice versa. It really depends on the characters of you/your children and your parenting styles/methods, no?

BostonB

Theres a great poem about sticky hands that will soon be gone. Can't find it, but these are similar.

http://www.alaboon.com/poems%20for%20parents.htm

I think it depends on the child. My oldest is the hardest work. Has been at every stage.

December2012

Some great observations, thanks for sharing.

For me it's equally rewarding but demanding being the parent they look to for everything first. Although my husband says he has it "worse" because in that sense they do settle easier for me than him.

When do you get some time back for yourself? Even going out last night to a meeting the kids were difficult settling for the babysitter, which makes me less reluctant to do things for myself, such as gym.

I can't be one of those parents who stops caring about appearance, house, myself and relishes everything about toddlerdom.

From about 6 to 10 are good. Let them learn to look after themselves. Dress themselves, shower at weekends alone - weekdays, you need to make sure the shampoo is washed out etc. Let them tidy their bedrooms and make their beds. You'll have to do it again afterwards, but it's best start early! Mine (19 & 22) started to get themselves up once in secondary school and get their own breakfast. I continued to do their ironing until they left secondary school. Once they start school, become involved in the Parents Associations. They are a great support network. The payback is the fundraising you have to do, but it's a small price to pay. It does get easier. Don't encourage them hiding away in their bedrooms all the time. You need to be comfortable knowing what they are up to. Get them to load the dishwasher and washing machine. Teach them simple dishes to cook. I never liked leaving them with babysitters, so all our social life involved activities where we could take them with us. Early bird dinners, horse racing, go karting, etc.
Most of all, enjoy them. You really only have a loan of them!

ash23

It depends on the child I think. I mean, if you've a tearaway teen you'd long for the baby years. If you'd a nightmare baby then you'll be happy to be getting a full nights sleep or to be able to go to the toilet in peace.
My little one is 10 now and physically things are easier. I get to sleep in and there's no need for help with showers/bathing. She helps around the house and so, physically, it's less demanding. But mentally she is a challenge. Asking difficult questions, forming her own opinions and disagreeing with me. We're headed for puberty now and the mood swings have started. It can be like the flick of a switch from happy to a teary mess.

I would take ages (6 to 10) over baby years anytime to be honest. I haven't experienced the teen years yet so I'll reserve my judgement

Goody2Shoes77

December2012 wrote: »

Some great observations, thanks for sharing.

For me it's equally rewarding but demanding being the parent they look to for everything first. Although my husband says he has it "worse" because in that sense they do settle easier for me than him.

When do you get some time back for yourself? Even going out last night to a meeting the kids were difficult settling for the babysitter, which makes me less reluctant to do things for myself, such as gym.

I can't be one of those parents who stops caring about appearance, house, myself and relishes everything about toddlerdom.

I know that feeling well, having been the main carer in our family while our kids were smallies.

In answer to your question: never!!!!!!!!!!!
You'll have some time to yourself when they start school, right now your 'me' time is likely to be in the evenings once they're sound asleep. Honest to God though from the voice of experience (and I don't mean this as an insult to you, I know how stressful parenting can be no matter what age the kids are) you may find yourself in years to coming wishing they were still toddlers! You can still make time for looking after yourself, I did, even while working full time, I just got up that bit earlier.

BostonB

December2012 wrote: »

Some great observations, thanks for sharing.

For me it's equally rewarding but demanding being the parent they look to for everything first. Although my husband says he has it "worse" because in that sense they do settle easier for me than him.

When do you get some time back for yourself? Even going out last night to a meeting the kids were difficult settling for the babysitter, which makes me less reluctant to do things for myself, such as gym.

I can't be one of those parents who stops caring about appearance, house, myself and relishes everything about toddlerdom.

I don't see where relish comes into it. Not everyone has the same time and budget to spend as they wish. So there's that to it. But also all children are different. One of mine is so good and easy going, you could bring them to work, they are that easy to manage and entertain. Another can't sit still anywhere, going for a coffee is a challenge.

As a sweeping generalisation, once they are all trained, can keep themselves entertained for a reasonable amount of time, and you get decent sleep, things get easier.

PlainP

You'll never stop worrying about your children no matter what age they are.

My two boys are 8 & 9 at the moment.
Its a great age I must say they can make their own breakfast, get dressed, clean up their room (this is a work in progress though). Of course there is the downside of having to little men with their own ideas and opinions on how they want things to be.

It can be a struggle no matter what age they are because as they get older the problems you encounter just grow with them.

When I've two terrible teenagers I don't think ill look back and say "oh I wish they were toddlers again" because when they were toddlers and in the terrible two's phase I was pulling my hair out with them.

So tl:Dr

The problems you face now don't change when they get older they just manifest themselves in a different way and we as parents deal with them accordingly.

I'd say most of all enjoy them when they are young, enjoy their innocence and the wonderment they have with the world around them because its very fleeting.

RubyGirl

Mine are 5 & 7 now and it's a lovely age. Now by no means easy but they can dress themselves, make his own breakfast and get hers aswell.

Your 4 year old should be starting to get dressed now, I used to organise their clothes the night before and leave them on the kitchen table and they come down and get started.

Moonbeam

I think 4 is a fantastic age:)
She picks her own clothes and dresses herself though it is normally obvious looking at her!!
The 2 year old is a complete scallywag but so adorable that everyone falls in love with her and she manipulates everyone.


All kids are different and as a result they are easier at different stages.
I think once they go to bed at a decent hour and sleep through the night life is a lot easier for this it happens at different ages for everyone 6 weeks or never!

I love the small cuddly babies but I also love when they are big enough to dress themselves and make their own little decisions:)

wmpdd3

I'm just happy reading about people who survived having kids 18 months apart.

Mine are 1 and 2 and I keep wishing away the days until the little guy can walk etc.

I know it gets easier as such but I dread school, +1 on the parents association. My mum never had time for it but I saw the value of it in it at all stages of school.

Janey_Mac

BostonB wrote: »

Theres a great poem about sticky hands that will soon be gone. Can't find it, but these are similar.

http://www.alaboon.com/poems%20for%20parents.htm

I think it depends on the child. My oldest is the hardest work. Has been at every stage.

Bit OT but is the poem this one?

Sweet Jam

There was sticky sweet jam
On the door-handle
But I suppressed the anger
That rose inside me,
Because I thought of the day
That the door would be clean
And the tiny hand
Gone

It's a translation of Subh Millis by Seamus O'Neill:

Bhí subh milis
Ar bhaschrann an dorais
Ach mhúch mé an corraí
Ionam d'éirigh,
Mar smaoinigh mé ar an lá
A bheas an baschrann glan,
Agus an láimh bheag
Ar iarraidh.

BostonB

Could be. There seems to be innumerable variations on it. Its the closest to what I remember anyway.

aknitter

I have a 14 year old, a 2 year old and am due baby no 3 in June, I think, what is difficult changes. With the 2 year old he needs so much time and minding and we are trying to teach him to share and not scream etc and with the 14 year old there is a constant worry about she's doing in school or with friends while out with friend and don't mention the whole drink/drugs/sex stuff.

I've decided that I'll always worry about them but the full on physical demands will change and get easier while other issues arise and will cause me to worry, but that the lot we sign up for, isn't it?

kippy

December2012 wrote: »

I can't be one of those parents who stops caring about appearance, house, myself and relishes everything about toddlerdom.

I'd ask why not?
It's only for a few years.

Ours is 20 months now and I'm enjoying it immensely. Luckily he is a good sleeper (wasnt always) and pretty healthy. We've another on the way in a few months.

I think people get stressed / dont enjoy things with kids when they try do everything they used to do without kids instead of prioritising things differently for a short few years.

Granted it's stressful anyway at the best of times, but it can also be immensely enjoyable once you recognise that you have to adjust for a few years...........

I'm looking forward to their lives as much as my own at this point, challenges or whatever that may lie ahead - beats a boring life tbh.

(Obviously a very generic viewpoint)

December2012

It's just not me. I've always liked a clean house, like my own time, and like being fit / healthy.

I don't aim for perfection in any aspect of my life, it makes things too hard.

And I do enjoy my life and my family, but the notion of the completely child absorbed parent is unhealthy to me.

BostonB

I don't get why you think parents are child obsessed. Being busy isn't obsession.

kippy

December2012 wrote: »

It's just not me. I've always liked a clean house, like my own time, and like being fit / healthy.

I don't aim for perfection in any aspect of my life, it makes things too hard.

And I do enjoy my life and my family, but the notion of the completely child absorbed parent is unhealthy to me.

Aiming for a clean house with kids in my opinion is aiming for perfection and leads to unneeded stress. Am in no way child obsessed just dont have the time or inclination for a few years anyway of keeping up everything I did before kids.

December2012

Thats not at all what I've said.

dartup

after 5

kippy

December2012 wrote: »

Thats not at all what I've said.

Sorry, picked you up wrong then.


Just basing my comments probably on more what I have seen certain type of parents do.
Life changes in many ways with kids.

Tordelback

I've swapped roles with my wife over the past two years, and am now the primary carer for my two (3 and 6). The contrast between having my daughter all day at ages 1-3, and only seeing my son in the evenings and weekends for those years of his life, is huge. At one level they require so much attention in those first few years that a full day, every day, can leave you too exhausted (or frustrated) to enjoy it, but at another I'm very conscious of what I missed with the older one: the traditional Daddy evening routine of food/bath/bed/book is a much easier road, but the alternative is much more satisfying, even if does seem to involve an awful lot of pacifying kids while standing in queues. I've hated and then revelled in 'my' (ahem) successes in talking, toilet training, swimming, bike riding, 'baking', crossing the road, reading and writing... so much so that you (very stupidly) start to wonder what else there is to learn after 6!

So yeah, even from my perspective as a complete novice it gets a lot easier once there isn't a nappy every hour and permanent sick-up on your shoulder, and when they can dress and dry themselves, handle the toilet without assistance, be trusted not to hurl themselves under a truck every time you leave the door, get round a shop without throwing themselves on the floor in a sobbing heap more than twice and eat a banana without painting every available surface with gunk... but then to replace it there's bloody homework, getting to and from after-school activities, more bloody homework, fundraising and costume making, friends round hogging the telly with the X-Box and giving out to the little one, playground squabbles, teacher squabbles, collecting and dropping off, the same holiday dates as everyone else and ever-increasing amounts of cheek!

So I'd say that the workload changes, but doesn't necessarily decrease in those first years at least. Happily each of those stages has its unique joys, from the warmth of total dependence to the satisfaction of (some) independence.

The real horror is when you have both: a wee one at home with all their needs, and then a slightly less wee one in school with all of their needs. I don't even like to think about what it would be like with more than two - except that in a perfect world of plenty, I'd definitely have more.

December2012

Yeah I've heard that at least by having them close in age to each other they are, in the erly years at least, into the same things so that helps.

deisemum

I read this elsewhere and thought it was fairly spot on, it's written by an American mum.

I wasn't wrong about their leaving. My husband kept telling me I was. That it wasn't the end of the world when first one child, then another , and then the last packed their bags and left for college.
But it was the end of something. ``Can you pick me up, Mom?" ``What's for dinner?" ``What do you think?"
I was the sun and they were the planets. And there was life on those planets, whirling, non stop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.
And I got to beam down on them. To watch. To glow.
And then they were gone, one after the other.
``They'll be back," my husband said. And he was right. They came back. But he was wrong, too, because they came back for intervals -- not for always, not planets anymore, making their predictable orbits, but unpredictable, like shooting stars.
Always is what you miss. Always knowing where they are. At school. At play practice. At a ballgame. At a friend's. Always looking at the clock mid day and anticipating the door opening, the sigh, the smile, the laugh, the shrug. ``How was school?" answered for years in too much detail. ``And then he said . . . and then I said to him. . . ." Then hardly answered at all.
Always, knowing his friends.
Her favorite show.
What he had for breakfast.
What she wore to school.
What he thinks.
How she feels.
My friend Beth's twin girls left for Roger Williams yesterday. They are her fourth and fifth children. She's been down this road three times before. You'd think it would get easier.
``I don't know what I'm going to do without them," she has said every day for months.
And I have said nothing, because, really, what is there to say?
A chapter ends. Another chapter begins. One door closes and another door opens. The best thing a parent can give their child is wings. I read all these things when my children left home and thought then what I think now: What do these words mean?
Eighteen years isn't a chapter in anyone's life. It's a whole book, and that book is ending and what comes next is connected to, but different from, everything that has gone before.
Before was an infant, a toddler, a child, a teenager. Before was feeding and changing and teaching and comforting and guiding and disciplining, everything hands -on. Now?
Now the kids are young adults and on their own and the parents are on the periphery, and it's not just a chapter change. It's a sea change.
As for a door closing? Would that you could close a door and forget for even a minute your children and your love for them and your fear for them, too. And would that they occupied just a single room in your head. But they're in every room in your head and in your heart.
As for the wings analogy? It's sweet. But children are not birds. Parents don't let them go and build another nest and have all new offspring next year.
Saying goodbye to your children and their childhood is much harder than all the pithy sayings make it seem. Because that's what going to college is. It's goodbye.
It's not a death. And it's not a tragedy.
But it's not nothing, either.
To grow a child, a body changes. It needs more sleep. It rejects food it used to like. It expands and it adapts.
To let go of a child, a body changes, too. It sighs and it cries and it feels weightless and heavy at the same time.
The drive home alone without them is the worst. And the first few days. But then it gets better. The kids call, come home, bring their friends, fill the house with their energy again.
Life does go on.
``Can you give me a ride to the mall?" ``Mom, make him stop!" I don't miss this part of parenting, playing chauffeur and referee. But I miss them, still, all these years later, the children they were, at the dinner table, beside me on the couch, talking on the phone, sleeping in their rooms, safe, home, mine

wolfpawnat

I have a four year old and he is great, fully trained day and night, walks everywhere and is easy to look after, very independent, can nearly dress himself, cleans up after himself, well as best a four year old can. All excited for school in September and I was excited for him too, but.........now no2 is due in July.

I am excited and everything, don't get me wrong, but the apartment is going to be full of clutter again now. It is a silly thing to think about I know, but it is so small here, a baby will literally take over the place The thought of the hard years again is worrying. Every age has their different challenges, but toddlers are a troublesome one alright.

Moonbeam

My nightmare would be to have a big age gap.
The end of nappies and tripping over small baby toys would be in sight and clearing the house of baby things to only have to do it all again.
I love babies and kids but I dunno if I could deal with that.

aknitter

A big age gap has its advantages, I have 12 years between my 1st and 2nd, so we have a built in babysitter! The older girl loves the chance to be responsible and loves her brother. But yes the gap in worries is a big one eg worrying about what the 2 year old is eating verses sex, drugs and all that for the older girl.