au-pair question

doubletrouble?

hi all
we really need some advice here.
we have a live in au-pair, shes great at her job in fact we cant fault her at all except for one thing : communication.
her english is pretty much ok.
myself and the wife work very hard and we had to get a live in au-pair so someone would be there when we go to work.
now!!!
twice and the second time was wednesday night she text us saying shes missed the last bus home and she will be home thurs morning and i replied along the lines of we weren't happy.
to cut along story short ,we employed her on the grounds that if shes working the following morning she'll be sleeping in our house as shes employed as live in she was told this yesterday when i came home from work. i also went on to say if something happens and she misses her bus etc that will delay us etc.
shes under the impression that she can stay with her friends whenever she wants and can come home just as we're leaving for work. when i spoke to her she said it was a bit like slavery as she had to sleep in our house.
this isn't the first time communication has been an issue. but as i said shes great with the twins.
B.T.W. i'm writing this on the laptop as i cant bear the tension of being around her.
i've tried looking for stuff where it gives things on what a live in a-pair does/cant do compared to a live out.
i suppose one of the things i'm asking is are we right.
any advice greatly appreciated.
D.T.

Moonbeam

if she feels like she is being treated like a slave then that is the issue.
DId she understand the terms of her contract before she started work?
Her hours the pay etc?
Does she work alot of hours?is she paid fairly for those hours?

doubletrouble?

hi moonbeam

Moonbeam wrote: »

DId she understand the terms of her contract before she started work?

yes she did. theres no house work except to clean up after the twins e.g. just sweep the kitchen floor.

Moonbeam wrote: »

Her hours the pay etc?

shes paid €140 + per week.

Moonbeam wrote: »

Does she work alot of hours?is she paid fairly for those hours?

she works between 33-35 hours a week bearing in mind it's over a four day week and off every weekend. few examples are
this weekend shes finished today at about 2.30pm and we wont expect her back will monday night to start work on tuesday morning.
or
she could be finished about 4pm thursday and we wouldn't expect her back till sunday night.

Moonbeam wrote: »

if she feels like she is being treated like a slave then that is the issue.

the first morning show up she had a problem somewhere else and text us saying she wouldn't be home the night before. we took it as a once off. we do talk about feedback and when i mentioned the above she said she had spoken to my wife. grand i thought thinking it was sorted,how wrong i was.
where she feels shes being treated like a slave is when i approached her saying if shes working the following morning we expect her to be in the house the night before. but her answer was it's her spare time up until she starts work so as far as shes concerned she can spend the nights with her friends then just show up as we're leaving for work. therefore we're stopping her from spending time with her friends.
my other half reckons shes testing the waters to see how far she can get away with things.
as i said shes just brilliant, cant fault her at all but communication is a major issue. everything i spoke to her about i had to put it in writing just so she would understand what we spoke about. i also asked her yesterday what she wanted to do. her answer was she needed the job and money. she wants to spend all her free time with her friends which we've no problem with. you could say all of the time when shes finished shes gone to her friends. the example i gave of 3 days off in row would be prime examples .i.e never to be at our house from the time she finishes till the night before shes due to start work or a minute or two before my wife walks out the door for work which is the issue i'm asking about here.
as i said we employed her as a live in not a live out. for the last few hours since i've been home you could cut the tension between us with a knife.

Moonbeam

What country is she from?
Does she have the kids on her own for that time or is she just there to help you out?
Why do you have an issue with her staying elsewhere once she is back for work?

To me she sounds young and here for the fun but the work is only a barrier to her fun that provides her with the money to do it.

I would ask her does she enjoy it and tell her if she does not then does she want to leave and you can get new childcare.

I want to get an au pair next year and am already both beginning to dread it and I also can not wait!!

pwurple

Just the tension being there sounds to me like it's not working out. I'd cut my losses, you are just not getting along. Try to arrange someone else. Did you go through an agency? I'd get back to them for guidance on how to wrap it up. Be careful though, she is in sole charge of your kids, so don't have a falling out.

We had au pairs as children, and they rarely ever slept anywhere except our house. They were 17 or 18, and my parents treated them as teenagers who also needed to be looked after. We brought them out with us, to the woods or beach, and brought them around the city. We were like tour guides every time someone new came. Several came back a few years in a row. They occasionally would go away with their group for a weekend in the burren or something, but they would always be back the sunday evening.

doubletrouble?

she does have a kid but not in this country and shes not exactly young as au-pairs go.
we have a number of issues with her staying somewhere else. the main one being minutes. when she arrives in the door my wife is waiting to go out. even the au pair being 5 mins late would have a knock on affect of my wife being late for work. the second main issue is that we're providing a room for her so if shes not going to use it i'm sure we could get in a lodger.
T.B.H. we didn't lay down the ground rules fully. we took her on as a live in. but in hindsight we should've made it clear that she would be expected to be in the house the night before she starts in the morning.things were grand till she had to stay overnight with her friend to sort out something. and doesn't see a problem with coming home with a few minutes to spare. now shes made new friends she wants to spend more over nights with them from what we can gather and less nights in our house.
as i said shes great with the kids. it's just that we took her on as a "live in " as opposed to a "live out". and this is where i'm coming from. thinking about this now maybe she wants to keep her job but make it a live out position which would be nigh impossible. we all know what the public transport services are like in dublin :rolleyes:.

Moonbeam

I think you really need to sit down with her and have a chat.
There are loads of other issues associated with a live out "au pair"

CaraMay

Would you really take in a lodger? Why?

I think she is right a d I personally would rather her be put than stay in my house when she is off. I think you have the best of both worlds.but do appear very demanding

ElleEm

I have to agree with Cara, I think you are being unfair towards the au pair.
This has only happened twice, and she wasn't late to start work, yet this is what you're going on about.

She works when she is supposed to, and looks after your kids well.

Maybe she feels like she only gets a break when she is out of the home. Imagine your boss said you had to sleep in your office cos he's worried you might be late to work if you don't! It's ridiculous!

On another note, if there is tension and she feels like a slave, then there is clearly a clash of personalities. Maybe you would be best finding a new au pair. You need to be able to live in harmony, and you are definitely not.

pwurple

She has a child of her own in another country and works 34+ hours for you. This isn't the norm for an au pair at all. You have someone who wants to work as a nanny or childminder but doesn't have the facilities or quals. Can I ask how you chose/found her?

Really odd situation here. If she feels like a slave and you are tense in your own home around her it's not working out. I would write this one off to experience and wrap it up.

CaraMay

I also don't understand why you are going out of your way to p off the person who is home alone with your kids when you are not there.... Ok she works in your house but this isn't downton abbey - the girl is not your servant. She dors the most important job in your housre, gives you space to be a family and has never let you down, yet you are causing hassle. Treat the girl with a bit of respect, enjoy the fact that you have peace of mind going to work and stop being so overbearing. She is entitled to a. Life too and even moreso because she has left her own kid at home to support them by minding yours. God love her as that would kill me.

Neyite

I think you need an intermediary, which is what the agency is for. They will have established guidelines and expected standards for both sides. But to be honest, she doesnt sound like a good personality match for your family, and I think that she is unhappy too. The slave comment is uncalled for considering that you ask her to do nothing else but look after the twins and sweep a floor, for 4 days a week.

Yes, she is entitled to her own life but in reality it sounds like you are only asking her to stay over 4 nights a week to facilitate the handover in the morning of the childcare. The other 3 nights she can do what she likes and can come and go as she pleases. Thats not unreasonable.

Its not acceptable that your wife is ready and waiting to leave for work with traffic building and waiting on childcare to arrive. What if she misses a bus? Or the bus she intends to get is full and passes by? What if the bus breaks down? I'm only getting used to juggling work and creche drop-offs too and my workplace are very unsympathetic to timekeeping issues due to childcare, so I do sympathise. Even if a workplace are understanding, it can cause tension with non-parent colleagues thinking you are taking liberties.

If you would prefer to try and repair the relationship with her instead of replacing her could you ask her to compromise in that she arrives earlier in the morning to allow for delays?

Mr.Fred

I don't see the problem if she's at the house before you have to leave for work. She's allowed to have a life outside of her work hours.

Would you have an issue with your boss if he expected you to be in work Sunday night to be sure you're there first thing Monday morning?

You go home after work don't you. It so happens her home mid week is your house so she may want to get away from work(your house) also. The accommodation you provide her with is part of her pay I assume, so I'd have though you have no right to demand she stay the night there if she chooses not to once she's on time for work the following morning.

To me it sounds like you think you have some kind of control over her, Her hours of work should've been clearly outlined from the start.

At the end of the day if you're not happy with her then get somebody else in or I don't know maybe stay home and look after your kids. I'd be willing to bet the few issues which your having with your au pair would be insignificant if you were doing the creche run before/after work and forking out for creche fees.

Mr.Wemmick

The whole point of an au-pair is having someone who can be there on call for an emergency early morning or a late evening if needs be, 3 to 4 days out of the parental working week. To say here, that she is entitled to arrive for work after staying out, swap responsibility for the twins on the doorstep, whilst Mum has car keys in her hand and feeling stressed about being late for her job, is not on.

An au-pair is part of the family and the responsibility of small children means you need time in the morning to tell a carer that a child hasn't slept well, lost toy or teddy, has had medicine for a slight temp' etc. The whole set-up needs to be run well and all parties need to have trust/respect/good communication with each other and all working together to make the arrangement run smoothly for the benefit of all.

I would say the OP is treating his au-pair very well if she has so much time off per week, sounds like she has lots of freedom/time away from the family. However, when she is in charge of the children Monday - Thursday, then she needs to be in situ as would be expected from a live-in au pair.

@ OP - I would start making arrangements to get a new au-pair and move on. If this girl/woman has argued with you and says she feels like a slave, then I would hazard a guess and say she is also looking for a new job. This situation doesn't make for a happy home and will only get worse - no matter how well she gets on with the twins when you are not there.

doubletrouble?

Neyite wrote: »

Its not acceptable that your wife is ready and waiting to leave for work with traffic building and waiting on childcare to arrive. What if she misses a bus? Or the bus she intends to get is full and passes by? What if the bus breaks down? I'm only getting used to juggling work and creche drop-offs too and my workplace are very unsympathetic to timekeeping issues due to childcare, so I do sympathise. Even if a workplace are understanding, it can cause tension with non-parent colleagues thinking you are taking liberties.

If you would prefer to try and repair the relationship with her instead of replacing her could you ask her to compromise in that she arrives earlier in the morning to allow for delays?

my fears are exactly what you've pointed out re: buses breaking down, not turning up etc. unfortunately she cant arrive earlier by bus as it's the first one she gets.

Mr.Wemmick wrote: »

The whole point of an au-pair is having someone who can be there on call for an emergency early morning or a late evening if needs be, 3 to 4 days out of the parental working week. To say here, that she is entitled to arrive for work after staying out, swap responsibility for the twins on the doorstep, whilst Mum has car keys in her hand and feeling stressed about being late for her job, is not on.

An au-pair is part of the family and the responsibility of small children means you need time in the morning to tell a carer that a child hasn't slept well, lost toy or teddy, has had medicine for a slight temp' etc. The whole set-up needs to be run well and all parties need to have trust/respect/good communication with each other and all working together to make the arrangement run smoothly for the benefit of all.

thanks Mr.Wemmick and well put. i think alot of posters have misinterpreted my posts/ thread.
so just to clarify whats going on.
we took her on as a live in au pair.
but shes trying to treat it as a live out. a live out au pair is one that comes to the family home in the mornings does her job then leaves to go back where shes staying then comes back the following morning and so on and so forth.
now another point posters are missing.
yes it's only happened twice.but twice she has missed the last bus home. so straight away alarm bells are ringing ,so whats to stop her from missing the first bus home. this is our main concern.
unfortunately mum doesn't have car keys at hand, she has a train to catch. shes also in the same boat as alot of people working in that her employer or mine for that fact doesn't care about the au pair being late/not showing. they want their staff in on time. my job is only 15 mins away by car but i always leave an hour early in case something goes wrong whether it's a puncture or the car breaking down.

Mr.Wemmick wrote: »

An au-pair is part of the family.

again a valid point.
How should an Au Pair be treated?

"An au pair should be treated as an equal part of the family, not as a servant, and shall not be required to wear a uniform. There can be misunderstandings on both sides about what this means. The usual practice is that au pairs eat with the family most of the time, and join in some of the usual family activities such as outings and trips."


so while she is most welcome to do any or all of the above none of it actually happens. all shes wants to do is spend time with her friends.
again it's her life and her wishes and we respect that. the only thing we would look for as her being a live in au pair is shes home the night before shes due to get up early.

Mr.Fred

doubletrouble? wrote: »

she works between 33-35 hours a week

If these are the hours she has been contracted to work then I can't see how you have any say in what she does outside these hours.

Is she up at night if the kids wake, Is there a point at night time where she knocks off as such and the mother takes over.

It sounds like she's expected to work more hours than the ones you've pointed out.

You provide the au pair with accommodation. Is this provided so she is at your beckon call 24/7 or is it to compensate for the low pay she receives?

It sounds like a terrible position for the au pair I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves before you replace her.

doubletrouble?

Mr.Fred wrote: »

If these are the hours she has been contracted to work then I can't see how you have any say in what she does outside these hours.

these would be the max ,things are slightly going to change and her average working hours will come down to about 27 hours per week but she will still be paid the same.
believe it or believe it not you've hit it right on the head by saying contracted.
her contract is that of a live in.

Mr.Fred wrote: »

Is she up at night if the kids wake, Is there a point at night time where she knocks off as such and the mother takes over.

shes finished anytime between 13.00 -16.45 . it all depends on which one of us gets home first. when that happens shes free to go till the following morning. so no night work what so ever.

Mr.Fred wrote: »

It sounds like she's expected to work more hours than the ones you've pointed out.

nope, but as au pairs go, shes expected to do less than what would be asked of most au pairs. there is no house work involved. when i said about sweeping the kitchen floor as being the main thing. most of the time thats not even done. same as cleaning up after the kids have eaten.

Mr.Fred wrote: »

You provide the au pair with accommodation. Is this provided so she is at your beckon call 24/7 or is it to compensate for the low pay she receives?

neither.
it's there because shes contracted as a live in au-pair not a live out.
without being disrespectful to posters here it's coming across from reading the replies that most people dont have experiences of having an au pair.
when i set up this thread i was hoping to get replies from posters that have had or currently have au pairs and i still hope that those with some sort of experience will reply.
D.T.

Neyite

Mr.Fred wrote: »

If these are the hours she has been contracted to work then I can't see how you have any say in what she does outside these hours.

Is she up at night if the kids wake, Is there a point at night time where she knocks off as such and the mother takes over.

It sounds like she's expected to work more hours than the ones you've pointed out.

You provide the au pair with accommodation. Is this provided so she is at your beckon call 24/7 or is it to compensate for the low pay she receives?

It sounds like a terrible position for the au pair I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves before you replace her.

Thats not it at all. You should look at what an au-pair does, what the norm is. this is taken from an au-pair website:
What is an au pair?

In general, an au pair is a young person whose primary purpose in coming to Ireland is to learn English, through living with you and your family, and to experience Irish family life. In exchange, your au pair will provide you with up to 40 hours childcare help per week and will babysit up to 2 nights. As a host family, you will be expected to understand that an au pair is part of a cultural exchange programme and you must treat your au pair as a member of the family, and not hired help.

The problem here is that the Au-pair does not want to be treated as one of the family, but seems to want to be treated as hired help and only turn up for the childminding, and not be inclusive in the family. And she is still moaning that she is being treated like a slave. She minds 2 kids for just over half the week - its hardly slavery!

If she got her visa based on an Au-Pair exchange then by not residing with the family she might be breaking the terms of her visa. (I dunno, just guessing here, but au-pairs come usually to study the language and the OP has not mentioned any courses the au-pair is doing. )

An au-pairs salary is so low because she has no living expenses - these are paid for by living with the family - they get all their meals, electricity, broadband, cable tv, etc fully included. An Au-pair is an unqualified helper in the home. What the OP describes is exactly what an au-pair should be doing - minding the children, sometimes doing light housework (in this case she is asked to do none)

By the way, if this au-pair gets 140 a week, that is 140*52/12 = 606 a month on average. Not bad income after your food, rent, and utility bills are taken care of. I'm not sure I even get that kind of change out of my salary after the bills are paid. My creche fees are 800 per month for fully qualified and trained staff from 8am to 6pm 5 days a week, 50 hrs. And 2 meals and daytime snacks are included in that daily So, all in, the OP paying that amount to an untrained, unqualified person is not that bad for 34 hrs a week, and by the sounds of it, no babysitting at night either.

dee_mc

Maybe you could come to an agreement, for example that she can spend one pre-work night a week away from the home as long as she is back at least half an hour before you guys have to leave for work, just to ensure a smooth handover? To me that would be a good compromise, and make it clear the situation would be up for review after a certain period of time.
Definitely you both need to have a chat with her, ask her straight out if she's happy and find out exactly which aspects of the arrangement she's unhappy with. Make it clear to her that your first priority is your twins' happiness and that you feel this may be affected by the tension created in the mornings when you are not 100% confident she'll be there in time to take over from their mother.
Let her know that you will employ someone else if necessary but that you are delighted with how she interacts with the children and so are reluctant to let her go, but still your preference for a live-in au pair hasn't changed.
I hope you can reach a solution, good luck!

doubletrouble?

Neyite wrote: »

If she got her visa based on an Au-Pair exchange then by not residing with the family she might be breaking the terms of her visa. (I dunno, just guessing here, but au-pairs come usually to study the language and the OP has not mentioned any courses the au-pair is doing. )

i mentioned earlier that the hours would be coming down. shes going back to college and we'll be facilitating her with going to college. they study 6 months and the other 6 months are holidays. so 3 months on studying 6 months holiday and the last 3 months back studying. which by the way has just recently started. while i'm getting lamb basted here i'll like to point out something to do with communication
the au pair her got days mixed up. one day recently i get up ready for work and she says shes happy i ask why "i'm going to college today" she says. to cut a long story short i had to take a sick day from work so she could attend college.she doesn't know that by the way. also two days later i had a very important appointment, that was also cancelled so she could attend college. again she knew about the appointment but doesn't know why it was cancelled.

dee_mc

doubletrouble? wrote: »

i mentioned earlier that the hours would be coming down. shes going back to college and we'll be facilitating her with going to college. they study 6 months and the other 6 months are holidays. so 3 months on studying 6 months holiday and the last 3 months back studying. which by the way has just recently started. while i'm getting lamb basted here i'll like to point out something to do with communication
the au pair her got days mixed up. one day recently i get up ready for work and she says shes happy i ask why "i'm going to college today" she says. to cut a long story short i had to take a sick day from work so she could attend college.she doesn't know that by the way. also two days later i had a very important appointment, that was also cancelled so she could attend college. again she knew about the appointment but doesn't know why it was cancelled.

Having read that, it definitely sounds like she's testing the boundaries. If you will change your plans to facilitate her, perhaps she sees you as a bit of a pushover? I think it would be worth mentioning these instances to her whenever you're talking to her about the issue, just to let her know you're willing to be somewhat flexible but not in such a way as to change the terms of the contract.

Neyite

DT, she really is not understanding of your commitments and I think you are actually being too nice to her. If she missed college because she got her days wrong, that should be her problem, not yours! You cant risk your job to accommodate someone who quite clearly is unwilling to meet you halfway.

I really think you should contact your agency and discuss it with them - I know that if the children are comfortable with her it goes a long way, but you dont know how her resentment might spill over into her treatment of your children. I would cut my losses with this one and ask the agency for a new au-pair.

Ainu

I dont think what you ask of her is in any way unreasonable! I am a former Au-pair and i would have never stayed out on a "work night".
Especially the mornings can be quite stressfull with small children, so it was always important to me to have had enough sleep and be there when the parents left the house. An Au-pair is not a normal employee, theres different rules and requirements. A lot of girls are also quite young, so theY do still need a bit of looking after by the hostparents!
If she wants more freedom she should get her own place and a proper job. Then she can stay out all she likes! I think she has plenty of time off when she can do anything she likes plus i think you pay her extremly well!
Id talk to her, but it doesnt seem like you're a great match imo. Im sure you can find another girl that is just as good with your children but where the chemistry with the rest of the family is right too!

CaraMay

E600 per month, which she probably send the bulk of home to feed a d educate her kids, is v cheap labour. It's cheap for one kid nevermind two. Is gladly take her for that money to mind one kid.

I just can't understand how people are stupid enough to p off the person who is home alone with their kids all day.

January

CaraMay wrote: »

E600 per month, which she probably send the bulk of home to feed a d educate her kids, is v cheap labour. It's cheap for one kid nevermind two. Is gladly take her for that money to mind one kid.

I just can't understand how people are stupid enough to p off the person who is home alone with their kids all day.

600 per month yet she still manages to socialize with her mates just fine. If she wanted more money and more freedom she should not have become an au pair.

Neyite

CaraMay wrote: »

E600 per month, which she probably send the bulk of home to feed a d educate her kids, is v cheap labour. It's cheap for one kid nevermind two. Is gladly take her for that money to mind one kid.

I just can't understand how people are stupid enough to p off the person who is home alone with their kids all day.

Yes, but other childminders actually get less because unlike the au-pair, their weekly wage gets reduced by tax/prsi, rent/mortgage, electricity, heating, bin charges, and grocery shopping for stuff like weekly food, laundry detergent, toilet paper, and the usual stuff you get in a weekly shop that an au-pair will use but not contribute towards. If a regular child minder minding 2 children has 140 a week left over after paying for all of that then I'd be very surprised.

As an unqualified and untrained worker working 27-34 hrs, having €140 each week, the bulk of which bar a few personal toiletries or spending money, she can send home is not bad at all. She'd be a lot worse off earning €8.65 cleaning or doing shop work and having to pay her own living expenses here.

pwurple

i had to take a sick day from work so she could attend college.she doesn't know that by the way.

I bet your employer doesn't know that either. That is NOT what sick days are for. Why didn't you take an annual leave day instead of making your employer pay for that one?

You've not mentioned an agency. I take it there is none.

Your posts are now a series of complaints and moans about her. If you can't actually see the wood for the trees, I will lay it out for you. The working relationship has broken down. I imagine she is also bitching about you to her friends, which is why she loves getting away from you at any chance possible. You are not getting along.

Nearly every poster has advised you to end this arrangement. Why have you not started to make arrangements to do that?

doubletrouble?

CaraMay wrote: »

I just can't understand how people are stupid enough to p off the person who is home alone with their kids all day.

unfortunately cara, we are the employer and she is the emloyee when it boils down to things. it's not about us p off the person that minds our kids, it's about the person p off the employer ,making a commitment that something wouldn't happen again and when it does it's brought down to a language barrier. the other thing is shes living in our house. as i said you could cut the tension with a knife the other day.

pwurple wrote: »

I bet your employer doesn't know that either. That is NOT what sick days are for. Why didn't you take an annual leave day instead of making your employer pay for that one?

You've not mentioned an agency. I take it there is none.
Your posts are now a series of complaints and moans about her

i dont get paid for taking the sick day and they dont give out annual leave at short notice.
i may also add that if either myself or my wife a one minute late for work we could possible be sent home. i've worked in other places of similar nature where the employees had to be in by 8 am. once 8 am came to the second the doors were closed and all employees arriving after that time were sent home.
yes you are right ,there is no agency.
it's not about a series of complaints.
it's about employing someone as a live in au pair as opposed to a live out. as i said shes great with the kids.
what i was and am trying to find out is this.
shes employed as a live in au pair, but she think it's alright to spend her nights with her friends then show up just as my wife is walking out the door. she is not employed as a live out. in other words someone that shows up at the door every morning as we're about to walk out.
this and only this is my complaint.

Ainu wrote: »

I dont think what you ask of her is in any way unreasonable! I am a former Au-pair and i would have never stayed out on a "work night".
Especially the mornings can be quite stressfull with small children, so it was always important to me to have had enough sleep and be there when the parents left the house.

as a former au pair points out and really sums it up who by the way judging by her post was a live in au pair rather than a live out they never stayed out on a working night.
someone asked
"Would you have an issue with your boss if he expected you to be in work Sunday night to be sure you're there first thing Monday morning?"
to answer this simply. i would love to be able to go out the night before i go to work have a few pints etc but the simple answer is i cant because a simple hint of alcohol off my breath and i'd be suspended the same is if i came into work knackered. my job entails i must have plenty of sleep and be clean of booze. as i said i'd love to go out all night but the simple fact is i know i cant.

pwurple

An unpaid day is different, fair enough. Our family has both parents working full time too, so we know the stresses of balancing work and childcare. It's tough going, but made a lot easier with reliable trustworthy childcare. Yours is unreliable. It's a hassle you don't need.

The answer is a simple yes, as live-in she is supposed to be there. Usually it is her own interest too, free bed and board. But if she doesn't want to be there, you can't exactly imprison her either.

Without an agency you have no route to take to solve this bar having a chat with her, which sounds like it didn't work.

Mr.Fred

doubletrouble? wrote: »

"Would you have an issue with your boss if he expected you to be in work Sunday night to be sure you're there first thing Monday morning?"
to answer this simply. i would love to be able to go out the night before i go to work have a few pints etc but the simple answer is i cant because a simple hint of alcohol off my breath and i'd be suspended the same is if i came into work knackered. my job entails i must have plenty of sleep and be clean of booze. as i said i'd love to go out all night but the simple fact is i know i cant.

You're being ridiculous now.

She's good with the kids, she creates tension in the house...

You can't have it both ways so stop whinging about it or do something about the situation.

If you're not happy with her then replace her with someone else, you seem to love telling us how strict your boss is for some reason.

January

Mr.Fred wrote: »

You're being ridiculous now.

She's good with the kids, she creates tension in the house...

You can't have it both ways so stop whinging about it or do something about the situation.

If you're not happy with her then replace her with someone else, you seem to love telling us how strict your boss is for some reason.

Attack the post and not the poster. First and final warning.

doubletrouble?

thanks for all the feedback. some was positive, alot negative, some didn't understand the role of an au pair.
as some of you said there is only two solutions, both of which will be hard to make.
so on that i ask this thread be locked by a mod.
D.T.

tbh

doubletrouble? wrote: »

thanks for all the feedback. some was positive, alot negative, some didn't understand the role of an au pair.
as some of you said there is only two solutions, both of which will be hard to make.
so on that i ask this thread be locked by a mod.
D.T.

ibtl - first time I've ever used that legitimately.

Here's the thing - you're entitled to require an au pair to do whatever you want, as long as you make your intentions clear before she starts. If you require her to spend each night before work in your house, that's absolutely fine, if she doesn't want to do that, she's perfectly entitled to refuse, you get someone else, all is good.

It sounds to me like there may have been an assumption on your part, an assumption on hers and that those two assumptions don't gel with each other. Your third option, as I see it, is to sit her down, explain to her that you're very happy with her work, but clarify how important it is to you that she spends the night in the house before each work day. If you want, you can apologise for not making that clearer in advance, but politely but firmly point out that it's a requisite for the job and if she can't do it, you'll have to find someone who can.

Also, I'd suggest that if her hours start only when your wife leaves, ask her to start an hour earlier, and offer her an extra few quid a week - that way, things won't be on such a knife-edge in the morning, time wise.

You shouldn't feel awkward or embarrassed about talking to her, and you shouldn't feel angry at her either. You're all adults, and if you sit down and talk to her calmly, you should be able to sort this out with no bad feelng.

Sleepy

If she tries the "missed the bus" thing again tell her to get a taxi.

doubletrouble?

after a few weeks of chatting with my wife, we've decided it's not financially worth our while keeping this girl when days off and half days are taken into account. she only minds the kids 3 days a week when all this is added up. we have learned alot of valuable lessons from both here and the net. i was going to say works but she rarely does any cleaning up not even after the babies.
so for the next au pair we'll be drawing up a list all of which are important.
(1) roster for hours that must be worked
(2) agreed pay
(3) cleaning/household duties.
(4) time keeping.
(5) being part of a family
(6) probation period
(7) contract signed and agreed by both parties for all of the above.
for anyone starting out getting an au pair. no matter how harsh all of the above may seem it is very important that something like this must be done.
there are different ways at looking at au pairs, some people would agree/ disagree on their role and the way they're treated.
examples are, some people would say the most important thing is they must be treated as part of a family. the most important factor is we're the employer and they're the employee harsh as it may seem at the end of the day it's the parents that make the decisions on whether the au pair is suitable or unsuitable as time goes on. we treated our au pairs as family first, then employee second. as with any family, members try and get away without doing things or slacking off.
we've learned a valuable and harsh lesson from all of this.
alot of au pairs are foreign students coming here to learn english, the standards range from poor, to average to good english it's most important that everything is put in writing for them when doing a contract that way theres no misunderstanding. should there be any questions from either side at least it's in writing.