mr right - do you know when you've found him

starrynightsky

Everyone says you just know when you've met the right man.
But I never just unquestioningly accept anything, I'm a really over-analytical person and my relationships are included in that.
My married friends say "you just KNOW" ...but do you?

ElleEm

I certainly felt like I 'knew' when I met my partner. I had relationships in the past, really connected with lads, fancied them, etc. But when I met my guy, it was different. I had a typical "type" before him, but he is so far from that. I have never known love like it. We are together seven years

tomthetank

starrynightsky wrote: »

Everyone says you just know when you've met the right man.

No, all the dating books say that.
Life is a bit more complicated than there being a "Mr. Right" for everyone, the stars aligning and you both go sailing off into the sunset.

I think most people know in their gut whether or not their "Mr Right Now" is something worth sticking with or a waste of time though. Some people are blinded to the incompatibilities and warning signs because of their attraction, hopes, expectations for the guy, other people know when enough is enough.

In general, if the doubt is dominant in your head, he's probably not the guy for you right now.

Faith

I know that I could, in all probability, spend the rest of my life with my current partner and be very happy. I also know, should we break up, that I'd find someone else in time who also made me very happy.

I don't think you can know anything with real certainty in life, so I hate this notion of "You just know". My boyfriend and I adore each other, and consider it a matter of time before we get engaged, but who's to say we'll feel the same in 10/20/40 years? What's right for you might change; you can't predict that happening. So try not to let over-analysing ruin a good relationship, but remember critical analysis is healthy and don't accept faults blindly.

username123

In the same way that I have lots of different friends for many years, I am quite sure that I could be happy with any one of a number of different partners too.

I dont believe in "the one". There are many possible Mr Rights.

I agree with tomthetank - a lot of people refuse to see incompatibilities, warning signs, indicators that this is the wrong person etc.. Some people would prefer to be in a bad relationship than no relationship. I have a number of different friends who are in bad relationships or who married men they knew they were incompatible with (and subsequently separated from) for a variety of different reasons, from not wanting to be alone, to wanting a child and being afraid they had no more time.

As for "just knowing" - its easy to know when things are right, because they are not wrong!! Sometimes people cant accept a relationship without drama because they are so used to having drama all along through teenage years and into their twenties. I see the kinds of rubbish some people put up with and perpetuate themselves and it just makes me feel weary - I wouldnt and couldnt be bothered with a relationship where there was lots of drama and text checking and insecurity and bad communication and disrespect etc..

I think your long term partner has to be a best friend.

lazygal

I do and I don't believe in 'the you just know' school of thought.

I had some crap 'relationships' and put up with a lot of drama and not brilliant treatment from some men. Like someone said, it seems to be very much the norm for a lot of people to have loads of ups and downs, heartbreak and knife edge decisions in their relationships in their late teens and early 20s. A lot of my friends are with their partners for many years and still seem to have the drama - you'd think moving into our 30s we'd be a little old for that.

My husband was and is very straightforward. He liked me, called me and we went out, he was upfront about wanting a relationship and what he wanted from the future. We went out, discussed getting married, moved in, got engaged and a short time later got married. No huge highs and lows, no tears at midnight, no drama. It was how I knew a grown up relationship should be. Of course we have ups and downs, that's inevitable in any relationship. But generally its been plain sailing, largely because we're open and honest with eachother.


I don't think there's only one person for everyone or the 'soulmate' crap women are fed from Sex and the City or other romcoms. I mean, how is it possible that your soulmate happened to go to the same college or lives in the same town? How come they aren't living in North Korea, just WAITING for you to turn up?!

Chronic Button

This was how I knew.

With all other relationships I had a small knot in my stomach and a quiet sense of relief when it ended.

With this one, there was no stomach-knot, and the excitement at the start never wore off, just became calmer and deeper.

Everyone is different though. Good luck.

dellas1979

lazygal wrote: »

How come they aren't living in North Korea, just WAITING for you to turn up?!

Maybe am getting into different territory, but maybe they are! Well, I believe that we all have a path in life, but sometimes we dont do things we are supposed to. We are all born with freewill. And sometimes we choose things that change the path. I know a fella down the road, who met his wife in Australia (an Australian). He went there for a wedding (otherwise he wouldnt have gone there). Had he not gone to that wedding........

I also believe that a soulmate could be anyone from a partner (how its most described) to your granny. Its someone you connect with deeply, doesnt have to be a romantic connection. I think thats whats ruined the term "soulmate".

cdaly_

Faith wrote: »

I know that I could, in all probability, spend the rest of my life with my current partner and be very happy. I also know, should we break up, that I'd find someone else in time who also made me very happy.

You mean like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE

OakeyDokey

I don't think it's as simple as that. What you might feel one day for someone could change over time. I'm not really sure if I believe in The One but I know that I've been with a person and thought "I could really spend the rest of my life with him" only to break up after.

The best thing to do is to go with the flow and enjoy being with someone without the focusing on whether they're The One/Soul Mate/True Love etc.

Maeve80

There is no such thing as Mr.Right.. Some have unrealistic expectations, or too fussy.. if the guy is not wearing the right clothes, not earning enough etc. Whoever you click with and think... Yes I won't be stingy with my eggs and I'll pro create with you lol

username123

Maeve80 wrote: »

Whoever you click with and think... Yes I won't be stingy with my eggs and I'll pro create with you lol

So those of us who don't want kids, can't have have kids or have already finished having kids can't meet Mr Right?

Maeve80

username123 wrote: »

So those of us who don't want kids, can't have have kids or have already finished having kids can't meet Mr Right?

Ah don't be so pedantic, Meaning someone you wouldn't mind settling down with.

Chronic Button

username123 wrote: »

So those of us who don't want kids, can't have have kids or have already finished having kids can't meet Mr Right?

Surely there's no need to be so humorless. It was clearly a joke and not a slight on those who can't have/won't have children.

Legs.Eleven

OakeyDokey wrote: »

I don't think it's as simple as that. What you might feel one day for someone could change over time. I'm not really sure if I believe in The One but I know that I've been with a person and thought "I could really spend the rest of my life with him" only to break up after.

The best thing to do is to go with the flow and enjoy being with someone without the focusing on whether they're The One/Soul Mate/True Love etc.

This. Who knows what the future holds. I'm not a fatalist or a spiriualist or religious in any sense of the word. 7 years ago I moved country with an ex believing we'd be together forever. We weren't. I really thought he was The One at that time. Spending so long over-analysing your relationship and anticipating what the future holds (something you'd never would with friendships) and missing out just simply being together in the now is something to be actively avoided (it's tough).


If you're not happy with someone, end it. If you're happy with someone there's no guarantee you'll feel the same down the line, so enjoy those precious moments of happiness where you can get them. That applies to everything.


Wish I could take my own advice. :rolleyes:

kat.mac

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Spending so long over-analysing your relationship and anticipating what the future holds (something you'd never would with friendships)

Wow - what an insightful point!

I never worry about the future of my amazing friendships, I simply enjoy them, and whaddya know, they've lasted donkey's years.

Why haven't I thought of that before?! You're a *genius* Legs!

username123

Maeve80 wrote: »

Ah don't be so pedantic, Meaning someone you wouldn't mind settling down with.

Chronic Button wrote: »

Surely there's no need to be so humorless. It was clearly a joke and not a slight on those who can't have/won't have children.

I simply dont see what having kids has to do with knowing that you have met the right person - it may be a joke but it could be construed as offensive. Plenty of people are looking for Mr Right, but many of them cant have children including Ms Infertile, Ms WantsNone and Mr LookingForMrRight. Its important to be inclusive imo

angeldelight

It's very hard to explain the feeling without sounding like a lovesick teenager but I truly believe you do know when you meet mr right... My husband completes me in every way, he understands sides to me that nobody else does, and we're on the same wavelength on pretty much everything. I knew within weeks of meeting him that I'd never meet anyone else who would come close to making me as happy as I am. 7 years later and that feeling has only gotten stronger

Maeve80

It wasn't something to be taken that seriously, I actually have PCOS and understand where some women may be coming from. If we speak from an evolutionary stand point.. if we assumed the the productive age of woman is 35 that would be a total of 420 eggs in her lifetime, where as the average man produces up to 300 million sperm in 2 hours so a woman is genetically selected to be stingy with her eggs and who she gives them too... but that is a whole other topic on mate selection etc. My comment was not meant to offend, but generally men who we think will make a good father/partner/brother/friend etc we want to settle down with.

username123 wrote: »

I simply dont see what having kids has to do with knowing that you have met the right person - it may be a joke but it could be construed as offensive. Plenty of people are looking for Mr Right, but many of them cant have children including Ms Infertile, Ms WantsNone and Mr LookingForMrRight. Its important to be inclusive imo

username123

Maeve80 wrote: »

My comment was not meant to offend.....

Which is why I responded with something light hearted in my last post.

I dont think we need to get into evolutionary theory or genetic selection - I simply wanted to make the point that it was excluding lots of people to base knowledge of Mr Right solely on the desire to have children with them. Lots of people settle down and are happy - without children.

Maeve80

No, but it was where my joke was coming from. Sometimes we make light of situations as means of coping mechanisms because its something close to our heart. I never stated otherwise, but if you want to take it personally on behalf of those that cannot go ahead.

username123 wrote: »

Which is why I responded with something light hearted in my last post.

I dont think we need to get into evolutionary theory or genetic selection - I simply wanted to make the point that it was excluding lots of people to base knowledge of Mr Right solely on the desire to have children with them. Lots of people settle down and are happy - without children.

username123

Maeve80 wrote: »

No, but it was where my joke was coming from. Sometimes we make light of situations as means of coping mechanisms because its something close to our heart. I never stated otherwise, but if you want to take it personally on behalf of those that cannot go ahead.

Can we get the thread back on topic please? I have no interest in continuing this ridiculous to-ing and fro-ing.

ash23

Anywhooooo............


I thought something was "off" in my last LTR and I was right. So when I met someone else and everything slotted so easily into place, I thought "oh so this is what people mean when they say you just know"
But that didn't work out either (although he is still lingering) so damned if I know what it's all about.

I don't really believe in Mr. Right anyway. I just believe in people being compatible and both at the same "place" in their life and wanting the same things.

Imo, long lasting good relationships are a blend of chemistry, respect, compatibility, timing and sheer luck as opposed to karma, destiny or any other romantic mumbo jumbo.

Maeve80

Sure, good luck with finding your Mr. Right:)

username123 wrote: »

Can we get the thread back on topic please? I have no interest in continuing this ridiculous to-ing and fro-ing.

Vicar in a tutu

You find him when everything about him adds up to everything you've ever wanted in someone, when no other man could ever compare to him both looks wise and personality wise,you really honestly only have eyes for him, every single little thing about his appearance is just so perfect,you could honestly be happy to look at him all day:o when he's your best friend, you can have amazing times like friends do and yet also have amazingly romantic times, when he makes everything feel better even when you really dont deserve it, When you hear something funny or interesting and your first thought is ''I need to tell him this'' , When you can both speak easily to eachother about how you want to spend the rest of your lives together and hand on heart mean it. When conversation never runs out, or even when you can sit side by side content without speaking, When your a complete nervous wreck meeting his parents because you want to make a good impression, When your sitting on an airplane and your terrified, yet he makes you laugh and forget you were scared, When your first thought of the morning is him, When you couldnt care less what happens in the future as long as he's by your side. When you still get giddy seeing a message icon appear on your phone knowing its from him, When he never fails to make you happy, you could be in bad humour over something all day, but the minute you see his face your completely in a great humour.

:o:o It's true though:o

CathyMoran

Vicar in a tutu that really is an accurate description from my experience - any other men that I dated bored me, my husband is all that and more....

Rose35

CathyMoran wrote: »

Vicar in a tutu that really is an accurate description from my experience - any other men that I dated bored me, my husband is all that and more....

I agree also - and I knew the minute I looked at my partner that yes there was something about him that stirred something in me that I hadn't felt before - i'm not scared anymore I actually trust him and that's a big ask of me.

meeeeh

The one whose flaws you notice but don't mind them or you even like them. There are plenty of men who are better looking there are some who are smarter or cooler but you don't care. Mr Right is not the best looking, kindest, funniest, it's the one with whom you want to be even though he is not all that. And most importantly, you are not bored around him.

pixiel

When loving each other is effortless, every minute with them is like time spent with your best friend, and he's the person who makes a bad day better!

And on a less fluffy side - you can stand him cuddling you whilst he's snoring his head off an inch from your ear whilst your on boards but you don't mind because its him!

I do think a massive part in finding Mr Right is an ability to compromise. He might not wash the bath out after using it, he might not dress the way you want him to, he might have political views you don't agree with; but being able to compromise makes for a much easier ride.

ash23

ash23 wrote: »

Anywhooooo............


I thought something was "off" in my last LTR and I was right. So when I met someone else and everything slotted so easily into place, I thought "oh so this is what people mean when they say you just know"
But that didn't work out either (although he is still lingering) so damned if I know what it's all about.

I don't really believe in Mr. Right anyway. I just believe in people being compatible and both at the same "place" in their life and wanting the same things.

Imo, long lasting good relationships are a blend of chemistry, respect, compatibility, timing and sheer luck as opposed to karma, destiny or any other romantic mumbo jumbo.

I totally agree. Definitely do not believe in 'the One'. There are billions of people in the world, I'm bound to be compatible with quite a few of them. I met my OH in Dublin but if I'd gone to Canada as originally planned, I'm sure I'd have met someone there. I fairly regularly meet people I feel attracted to and would probably have something with if I weren't already attached. I don't pursue anything because I'm happy with my partner, but if we were to break up, I don't doubt for one minute that I'd find someone I'd be equally happy with.

meeeeh

While I agree that the concept of The One is ridiculous, I also wouldn't be so sure that it's so easy to find somebody you can be happy with. My longest relationship till I met my partner (at 26) was six weeks. I wasn't lonely and I was part of great group of friends so I didn't need to be in a boring relationship just to be with someone. I'm not demanding but finding someone you really like and who likes you back is sometimes easier said than done.