Romantic or Clingy? thin line...?

Sadderday

Your in a relationship.

Your man is a doll.

Sweet, Romantic, Lovely, Trustworthy etc etc etc

But he just keeps texting, emailing, phoning.... all day long... and he is very sensitive. You don't want to lose him or hurt him and in fairness you don't get to see each other much.

Is it wrong to be detered by this? Should this be embraced?

For the most part it is fine. However, not responding to a text may result in worried calls or voicemails.

Advice anyone?

Jerrica

Sadderday wrote: »

Is it wrong to be detered by this?

Not at all. Some couples love texting each other every five minutes, other people would find it a big no-no. If you don't like it, don't make apologies for it. At best it's needy, at worst it's invading your personal space in quite an aggressive way and can be construed as harassment.

Sadderday wrote:

Should this be embraced?

Each to their own but... not generally. A person should be able to stand on their own two feet in a relationship and not rely on constant communication/ validation from their partner to make them feel fulfilled. A stern talk is needed, he may genuinely not realise the impact of the constant messaging.

Sadderday wrote:

For the most part it is fine. However, not responding to a text may result in worried calls or voicemails.

fcuk that shít. No-one needs that emotional blackmail in their life. Apologies for my bluntness

Of course it's too much. Does he not have any hobbies or anything
Being afraid to say you have a problem with this behaviour in case you "hurt" him is not okay. Communicate!

Sadderday

Thanks for the response. Its not actually myself thats involved... but my friend has mentioned a couple of times that its a bit much and very recently mentioned its very hard. I suppose in essence your living life via technology by constantly updating someone on the movements of the day.

I believe there had been an attempt to simply skype at 7pm daily instead of all day contact but it didnt really work. The odd contact is great but just mindless txt all day long leaves not much to be spoken about via skype.

So, how would you amend this? keep in mind the lad is very sensitive. Expected I think as they are in different countries, his GF is gorgeous and I think he feels that he needs to keep reminding her that he is there.

Das Kitty

Sensitive or not, a person should be able to talk about their relationship and communicate openly.

There are methods of saying things that are bothering you about the other person without phrasing it as a criticism. A relationship should be mutually beneficial to work. Not talking about the things that bother you only lets them fester.

I don't think anyone's idea of an ideal partner is a clingy, insecure one (which is what's described).

Sadderday

Das Kitty wrote: »

Sensitive or not, a person should be able to talk about their relationship and communicate openly.

There are methods of saying things that are bothering you about the other person without phrasing it as a criticism. A relationship should be mutually beneficial to work. Not talking about the things that bother you only lets them fester.

I don't think anyone's idea of an ideal partner is a clingy, insecure one (which is what's described).

yeah, thats true. It could seriously divide them in no time if it keeps on.
So, I should recommend that she communicates this clearly to him, give him time to adapt, allow him ask qs about it as it is essentially changing the dynamic of their relationship and make it appear to be a very positive change... and if this doesnt work... thats kinda it ?

daenerysstormborn3

I totally agree with what Jerrica has said.

My bf is totally not a text-y person. He'd rather ring and have a chat on the phone than send texts back and forth and back and forth. I used to think that I needed the constant texting etc., when I was younger and still finding my way in life and therefore probably a bit insecure, but I actually like the silence and the fact that my day isn't clouded by constantly having to chat to someone. When I get home in the evening, my bf and I sit down for a half hour, while I unpack my bag from work and he makes himself a cup of tea and we chat about our days and then we go about our usual evening stuff. If I was after chatting to him all day then we probably wouldn't have that.

Your friend should be able to tell her boyfriend that she doesn't like the constant texting etc. without him feeling hurt. That "feeling hurt" is almost like blackmail, she can't say how she feels because it might upset him, that's no kind of relationship to live with.

Das Kitty

Has your friend asked for advice Sadderday?

Sadderday

Das Kitty wrote: »

Has your friend asked for advice Sadderday?

Well it was more of a message filling me in on how extreme it is getting, i need to have something to say.

I don't want to be negative though. I know they are crazy about each other. I'm looking for some positive ways around it to propose to her. Which is why I asked on boards ya know.

Sadderday

pixiebean22 wrote: »

I totally agree with what Jerrica has said.

My bf is totally not a text-y person. He'd rather ring and have a chat on the phone than send texts back and forth and back and forth. I used to think that I needed the constant texting etc., when I was younger and still finding my way in life and therefore probably a bit insecure, but I actually like the silence and the fact that my day isn't clouded by constantly having to chat to someone. When I get home in the evening, my bf and I sit down for a half hour, while I unpack my bag from work and he makes himself a cup of tea and we chat about our days and then we go about our usual evening stuff. If I was after chatting to him all day then we probably wouldn't have that.

Your friend should be able to tell her boyfriend that she doesn't like the constant texting etc. without him feeling hurt. That "feeling hurt" is almost like blackmail, she can't say how she feels because it might upset him, that's no kind of relationship to live with.

Thats true. Might be time to face up. I just didnt want to give her negative thoughts... I thought maybe I could think outside the box ya know

It is kinda funny in a way that in this relationship, which seems to have an over-saturation of communication, there also seems to be a complete breakdown of it too.

If she has a problem with it, then she needs to talk to him about it. Sure, he's going to feel hurt about it, but if he wants the relationship to work, then he'll get over it, adapt, and move on.

Sadderday

Thanks for that, seems like everyone is agreed in promoting communication on this situation.

I am relieved that I was thinking the same. I certainly didnt want to encourage a life change for anyone... but this does seem very sensible.

Hopefully it will work out !!

cdaly_

Sadderday wrote: »

Your in a relationship.

Your man is a doll.

Sweet, Romantic, Lovely, Trustworthy etc etc etc

But he just keeps texting, emailing, phoning.... all day long... and he is very sensitive. You don't want to lose him or hurt him and in fairness you don't get to see each other much.

Is it wrong to be detered by this? Should this be embraced?

For the most part it is fine. However, not responding to a text may result in worried calls or voicemails.

Advice anyone?

This sounds very much like the early stages of a controlling relationship, particularly the last bit. Now, it could be down to the long distance thing but, if he's not willing to adapt to a different mode, I'd be looking for an escape route. Next stage is she starts to spend less time with her friends before cutting contact entirely...

xLexie

I think if both people want to send mindless silly texts throughout the day, where's the harm?

It's when it's just texting back for the sake of texting Back then that's when I think it's a bit "eh". I know I text a lot but I would never want someone to text me constantly because they felt they had to, or they didnt really want to. Your friend needs to say it if it's too much.

As for the stalky texts and calls when the texts stop, I'm sure a simple "ill talk to you later" text would suffice

Sadderday

Sadderday wrote: »

Well it was more of a message filling me in on how extreme it is getting, i need to have something to say.

I don't want to be negative though. I know they are crazy about each other. I'm looking for some positive ways around it to propose to her. Which is why I asked on boards ya know.

cdaly has it nailed. I think it sounds a bit control-y, probably because of my own experience.

I went out with someone 'crazy about me' for a while and the contact was constant, with the calls and voicemails for unanswered texts. Over time it got clearer that he was a possessive type who was keeping tabs on where I was and what I was doing all day under the guise of just touching base.

I'd be wary, and I wouldn't put too much of a positive spin on it in case its an escalating thing.

eviltwin

Its not the texts I would have an issue with but more the emotional blackmail side of it - the constant need to reply or he thinks something is wrong.

Texts are fine but he has to realise there are times when you just can't be on your phone the second a text comes through, to put pressure on someone to reply within a certain time frame when presumably he knows all is okay is a bit heavy handed. I wouldn't like it and it would be alarm bells for me.

unknowngirl!!

It's certainly not my type of romance anyway... Everyone is different though. It would depend on the couple!

Sarn

unknowngirl!! wrote: »

Everyone is different though. It would depend on the couple!

Exactly, personally I barely use my phone so being hit with a barrage of texts throughout the day from a prolific texter would eventually grate.

Ideally, you'd want to settle on a level that works for both at the start, especially if there is a big disparity in what each person thinks is a normal amount of communication. I suppose the concern is that once a trend has been set, it may lead to some hurt feelings when bringing it up. However, in the long run it's better to sort it out before it leads to bigger problems.

jackbrad

Have to agree a bit too much and controlling.....

shoos

I was a teenager the last time I saw a relationship that worked like that, it's very immature and needy. That's the kind of behaviour I'd probably only have the patience for one warning... and if they don't cop on after that I'd definitely be gone. Very unattractive and off-putting!

Sadderday

Update: the couple had a yap via skype and aired all (or most of I believe) issues.

They have agreed to spacing out contact and sitting down with a coffee each evening at 8pm to catch up and have a proper chat.

She feels good about it and thinks it will work fine but is aware that if he continues to constantly text/ring that he hasnt got her message and may need identify if they are a good match.

WittyKitty1

Myself and my boyfriend text at random intervals during the day and/or a phone call here and there. I never think it too much, I love hearing from him and what he is up to

Then again, it's not like what you have written in the OP- That would be very draining on each of them after a while.
Glad they sorted it! They will probably be more interested in the conversations they have now

Sadderday

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend text at random intervals during the day and/or a phone call here and there. I never think it too much, I love hearing from him and what he is up to

Then again, it's not like what you have written in the OP- That would be very draining on each of them after a while.
Glad they sorted it! They will probably be more interested in the conversations they have now

My bf and send the odd text here and there, quick calls throughout the day and still can yap for two hours after dinner in the evening over the phone... its great ! but my friends bf would be constantly at it ya see, ya don't mind finishing work and seeing a missed call or 2 texts from him ya know, one funny and one sweet or whatever but my friend was finishing work and seeing 10 missed calls because she hadn't replied to his text at lunchtime and he thought she was mad at him... thats OTT. wouldn't like that either. they might just need to find a balance... as I said he is abroad and i'm sure misses her alot its just not being projected in a healthy way.

Sadderday

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend text at random intervals during the day and/or a phone call here and there. I never think it too much, I love hearing from him and what he is up to

Then again, it's not like what you have written in the OP- That would be very draining on each of them after a while.
Glad they sorted it! They will probably be more interested in the conversations they have now

Yeah and they agreed to have no tv or facebook in the background when they yap for the first while... so cuppa coffee and a giggle sounds like a good way to lighten things up again for them.

WittyKitty1

Sadderday wrote: »

My bf and send the odd text here and there, quick calls throughout the day and still can yap for two hours after dinner in the evening over the phone... its great ! but my friends bf would be constantly at it ya see, ya don't mind finishing work and seeing a missed call or 2 texts from him ya know, one funny and one sweet or whatever but my friend was finishing work and seeing 10 missed calls because she hadn't replied to his text at lunchtime and he thought she was mad at him... thats OTT. wouldn't like that either. they might just need to find a balance... as I said he is abroad and i'm sure misses her alot its just not being projected in a healthy way.

Ah, i'm glad they got it sorted out. it's probably something he brought with him from another relationship. Best of luck to them now

Sadderday

WittyKitty1 wrote: »

Ah, i'm glad they got it sorted out. it's probably something he brought with him from another relationship. Best of luck to them now

Yep, all the best. thanks for that!!

WhiteRose90

I would have to say that someone in that kind of relationship should get out. I was with someone like that. If I didn't respond to his texts or calls straight away, he'd ring or text my mam asking what's going on. After that, he showed he didn't like me talking to other guys either. He got dropped fairly quickly.