New relationship is weird

maria34

Hey,

I have met a divorced man in his 40ties and we are going out since about 2 months now.
I have kids and he has kids. I have met his ex wife too ( while she brought the kids to his house once) now i know it is a bit too quick but i didnt want to run out while they came over and thats how it happened.
Now my problem lays in my head only problably, but here we go ... Theres not so much intimacy. Well there is some touching and kissing but its almost me every time who starts it. I feel quiet odd myself already so i have stopped trying now. He acted like its cool. We have had 3 full nights together and he hasnt tryed to sleep with me. I have told him i would like to have sex, kinda in conversation, but hasnt happened. Some touching happens from my side only so i think its me who wants it and he doesnt??? I have told him that i feel it has something to do with me but he says its not me and i shouldnt think like this.
I guess he is not just that into me. Have to accept and move on maybe?

SIX PACK

Send him a txt & be straight to the point. If the reply is not what you hoped for then move on
Or you could tell him face to face. Personally if i didnt have sex with someone iv met by third date i would move on.

maria34

SIX PACK wrote: »

Send him a txt & be straight to the point. If the reply is not what you hoped for then move on
Or you could tell him face to face. Personally if i didnt have sex with someone iv met by third date i would move on.

Are u a man or a woman?

LegacyUser

Six pack....a third date and you want sex....abit quick.

People after coming out of a relationship can take time to trust again
and he's probally just new to all the dating sceane too so if in another few wks
nothing happens ask him straight if he wants things to go forward as he might
not want to rush things.

Best of luck.

m'lady

I agree OP it's a bit unusual, but what's his situation? As in how long is he separated, if its a long time-has he had any relationships/intimacy since then.. The reason why I am asking is maybe he could be anxious about having sex with someone since his separation, women aren't the only ones to get nervous?
I would simply ask him straight out if he looks at you as a very close friend or more. If its more then you need to explain how you are feeling.

ibarelycare

OP you're both in your 40s with plenty of life experience behind you. You should be both be mature enough to handle a conversation about sex. You've been together two months. It's still early days but presumably if you've met his children things are somewhat serious by now. Have the talk AWAY from the bedroom, when there are no kids around, and just be honest with him about what you want.

maria34

m'lady wrote: »

I agree OP it's a bit unusual, but what's his situation? As in how long is he separated, if its a long time-has he had any relationships/intimacy since then.. The reason why I am asking is maybe he could be anxious about having sex with someone since his separation, women aren't the only ones to get nervous?
I would simply ask him straight out if he looks at you as a very close friend or more. If its more then you need to explain how you are feeling.

I have asked him. His answer was that he sees me as a friend only but the friendship is the basic of every relationship and blablabla. Basically dragging me along is he?

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP you're both in your 40s with plenty of life experience behind you.

There is chance he doesn't have that much experience. Just because he is in his 40's doesn't mean he's been a player in his younger days, he may well have married his wife young and only been with her and now is not very confident when it comes to intimacy or his marriage might have been over for ages but they stuck it out longer then they should have for the kids sake so he's gone a considerable time without any intimacy and is now confused by it more then anything. How long has he been divorced OP? Are you the first person he's dated since the divorce or has he had other relationships? I wouldn't dismiss him straight away as not being attracted to without first asking those questions. At the end of the day whats the worse that will happen if you just ask? He admits not being attracted to you and you move on or if admits to a lack of confidence on his side and you help him deal with that. Either way you move past this stale mate.

ibarelycare

cant log in wrote: »

There is chance he doesn't have that much experience. Just because he is in his 40's doesn't mean he's been a player in his younger days, he may well have married his wife young and only been with her and now is not very confident when it comes to intimacy or his marriage might have been over for ages but they stuck it out longer then they should have for the kids sake so he's gone a considerable time without any intimacy and is now confused by it more then anything. .

I didn't mean experience in relation to sexual matters per se, I just meant that surely at that age they should be able to sit down and talk about it. But I take your point, maybe it is an uncomfortable or difficult discussion for him to have.



OP I'm a bit confused by your posts. You said you are "going out" 2 months. But then you said that he says he sees you as a friend You also are the one initiating all the intimacy. Are you sure you haven't got the wrong end of the stick here about what kind of relationship there is between the two of you?

maria34

yes going out means we have gone to dinners, cinema, out for drinks etc. he has hold my hand, sometimes even kissed me. only few times tho. we have been out with the kids too.

i asked about that friendship thing because he was so cold in bed. or in general. and what he said was that friendship is the basic of any romantic relationship and so on and at the moment we have friendship. something similar. i dont know how long we have to stay in that friendship phase then, couldnt ask him as he needed to go somewhere. i texted him and asked him.

he is divorced since 8 yrs. had a relationship few years ago which lasted maybe 3 yrs or less, he ended it because she wanted kids and family and he was not ready. maybe they had similar friendship too, i dont know. he told me that they were really good friends. all that friendship thing from his mouth made me confused back then already, so now hes telling me that kind of stuff too.

now i totally agree that friendship is very important in a relationship. but u have to fancy someone to create some sort of relationship in a romantic way. thats what i think.

i wont bother him now any more, if he doesnt contact me, then i know he is gone.

username123

OP - this is totally mixed up. He says the basis of any relationship is friendship yet he has you stay in his bed? You dont normally sleep in the same bed with your friends.

You have done dating activities, and he has consented to some kissing and you have initiated some intimate behaviour - again, you dont do this with friends.

Personally I wouldnt pursue this in your shoes. Friendship is all very well but a relationship need chemistry and he is going to kill that with how he is behaving. Also the mixed messages would do my head in. Move on.

maria34

username123 wrote: »

OP - this is totally mixed up. He says the basis of any relationship is friendship yet he has you stay in his bed? You dont normally sleep in the same bed with your friends.

You have done dating activities, and he has consented to some kissing and you have initiated some intimate behaviour - again, you dont do this with friends.

Personally I wouldnt pursue this in your shoes. Friendship is all very well but a relationship need chemistry and he is going to kill that with how he is behaving. Also the mixed messages would do my head in. Move on.

Yup he is doing all the killing alright. Just the other day i kissed him and he kinda pushed me a bit away in a while. I didnt make any notes but told him later and he said : aa yes u got a bit upset alright or something like this. After that pushing away thing he still stayed for the night in my house and nothing happened as my child was there. And after it he asked me out and stay in his house after drinks in the pub. So i did the right thing when i asked him about friendship.

Dont get what he gets from it tho. A friend in bed ?

username123

maria34 wrote: »

Dont get what he gets from it tho. A friend in bed ?

Yeah its weird alright, perhaps he has boundary issues? The only other thng I can think of is that he is afraid to get intimate until he is "sure" the relationship is going somewhere? But it would still seem odd to have you in the bed if thats the case.

maria34

username123 wrote: »

Yeah its weird alright, perhaps he has boundary issues? The only other thng I can think of is that he is afraid to get intimate until he is "sure" the relationship is going somewhere? But it would still seem odd to have you in the bed if thats the case.

Yup but i have seen his kids tho. Maybe im gopd to show off lol

December2012

Did you discuss this by text?

Talk, face to face and finish the conversation.

maria34

December2012 wrote: »

Did you discuss this by text?

Talk, face to face and finish the conversation.

How i will do that if he finished it chat later i have to go? I wont push myself now! If he doesnt contact then its pretty sure.
If he does i will ask then.

December2012

You don't talk about it by text.

Face to face like two adults.

It's bothering you enough to post about it here so it's worth having the chat where you both talk about what you both want - you have the right to be heard as much as him.

LittleBook

maria34 wrote: »

he sees me as a friend only but the friendship is the basic of every relationship and blablabla.

maria34 wrote: »

yes going out means we have gone to dinners, cinema, out for drinks etc. he has hold my hand, sometimes even kissed me. only few times tho. we have been out with the kids too.

maria34 wrote: »

Dont get what he gets from it tho. A friend in bed ?

It seems to me he just wants companionship, not a "proper" relationship.

maria34 wrote: »

i have seen his kids tho

Meeting the kids is more of an issue when "Daddy's friend" is more than a friend, if you know what I mean. Again, it seems that he's not looking at this as a relationship, at least not one in the sense that you want.

When you can, ask him straight out and tell him exactly what you're looking for.

carlows

I would be asking him does he want a friendship or a relationship? Either he's into you or he's not. Seems 2 me he's after a friendship

maria34

carlows wrote: »

I would be asking him does he want a friendship or a relationship? Either he's into you or he's not. Seems 2 me he's after a friendship

Yup it seems like this to me too. As if u want something else u would act a bit different too.

Sure if i get a chance ill ask him. If he is gone then he wont be a good friend at all anyway.

StillWaters

Who knows, either mismatched sex drives (his sounds very low) or he has issues of some form or another.
In any case I can't see this working out and I'd step away if I were you. And next time, take it slower with the kids.

maria34

Thanks guys,

He contacted last night, just had a bit chit chat. He said he cant concetrate to do his work and he thinks its the cold he has ... I dont know, im not so exited any more anyway. May have the chance to ask him about the friendship we have though :-)

I wont initiate anything myself any more. Thats the best thing to do.

jennytightlips

Maybe the guy has "preformance" issues and terrified of you finding out ?
Ask him directly op and good luck

Ah_Yeah

Alarm bells are going for me OP. Sounds to me like he enjoys having a companion but isn't "that into you".

I mean, you have been seeing each other for two months, yet he seems to be very difficult to get a hold of, and all your conversations are had by text? He's in his 40s and has been married, he should be able to communicate like an adult.

I'd be walking away from this without a lookback OP.

maria34

We had had conversations alright. He is quiet good at explaning things once we get into conversation. But he is pretty quiet sometimes, doesnt talk too much. Not a waffler.

That friendship theme came up in text as i couldnt wait to ask it, so i just did it per text. Thats me a bit afraid to bring up that kind of conversation. Always was. He told that i have been understanding him wrong and that kind of conversation should be talked face to face.

What i found strange - he never rang me. But again i havent done it either. We have met every second or third day so theres not so much talk about it really.

sherbett32

Hi Maria, this whole thing sounds a bit flat? He doesn't seem terribly excited about you whatever his background and/or motivations?

It sounds if you are looking for a relationship, if you're doing this amount of second guessing is it worth it?

I know it can be hard to get into a relationship in your 40s (I'm in that position) but is it worth it?

seenitall

Hi OP,

your posts make you sound very passive and wishy-washy about this issue. I don't mean any offence, some people just have milder temperaments than others, but unfortunately your approach isn't serving you well on this.

I would be confronting this guy about this pretty forcefully at this point (not accusatory or anything, but empathically enough so that he knows this issue is a big deal to you, and you want passion in your life and a complete relationship - it's not like something like that is unheard of!). And definitely face to face.

Other than that, if things don't improve, I'd be going my merry way, and it wouldn't be a wrench either. Who wants a passionless relationship, who can even be attracted to someone whose idea of intimacy seems to be trying not to completely avoid some stolen kiss or hug here and there? Bleurgh. Honestly, even with what you have written so far, I don't know how you have managed to retain any kind of attraction to this guy up to this point.

Good luck to you - but talk! Be assertive about your needs, no one else will do it for you.

maria34

Ah that was very helpful by the way :-) i see it pretty well now. When we met first time he couldnt stop talking. And it has became less and less. There has not been any passion. There has been from my side, but i he kills it bit by bit. I dont know why i hang here at all. Laughable really. We had a really boring conversation tonight and he said he goes to bed. Like we would be 100 yrs married. I dont know why he is texting me. Problably lonely.

ibarelycare

Maria, you said you've nothing to talk about any more. Really? After 2 months? Even if you meet every 2 or 3 days, 2 months in you should still be full of chat! I've been with my boyfriend over 2 years and we see each other that often and we still find loads of crap to talk to each other about

I think you should move on here You deserve someone who you will be excited about, and who will be excited about you. You've obviously invested more in the relationship than he has. I strongly advise you to cut contact altogether. There's no point in being friends if you don't even have things to talk about, is there? And remaining friends will just confuse things on both sides. Cut ties, move on and find someone who you can have a passionate, intimate and fun relationship with

Emme

OP, I'd walk away from this. At first I thought he might have ED and was trying to hide it from you, but now I think that isn't the issue.

He says he sees you as a friend. Take him at his word. When you stay nights who initiates it, does he ask you to stay or do you just hang around in hope.

I know it's harder to meet somebody when you're older so sometimes you're willing to jump through more hoops than when you were younger but I think you're flogging a dead horse here OP.

It's interesting that you met his ex-wife fairly early on. Perhaps he wants her to think he has somebody and he's dating you to prop himself up in front of her.

Is there any chemistry between you? It sounds like there's no chemistry on his part. If you stay in this relationship (friendship :rolleyes: ) you could well lose confidence in yourself and your attractiveness. Get out before this happens. As the saying goes, he's not that into you.

maria34

Emme wrote: »

OP, I'd walk away from this. At first I thought he might have ED and was trying to hide it from you, but now I think that isn't the issue.

He says he sees you as a friend. Take him at his word. When you stay nights who initiates it, does he ask you to stay or do you just hang around in hope.

I know it's harder to meet somebody when you're older so sometimes you're willing to jump through more hoops than when you were younger but I think you're flogging a dead horse here OP.

It's interesting that you met his ex-wife fairly early on. Perhaps he wants her to think he has somebody and he's dating you to prop himself up in front of her.

Is there any chemistry between you? It sounds like there's no chemistry on his part. If you stay in this relationship (friendship :rolleyes: ) you could well lose confidence in yourself and your attractiveness. Get out before this happens. As the saying goes, he's not that into you.

He asks me to stay ofcourse. He always asked few days before at least so i can get a babysitter.
Once when he came over to mine i told him he can stay but if he doesnt want to he can go home. He stayed.
Now he has lost his full time job recently. And he has big financial responsibilities as far as he has told me.

I actually met a happy guy but now he is kinda changed.

Oryx

Sounds to me like you met a guy who was putting on a happy face to a new partner, (we all do it) which naturally he couldn't sustain and now you have the real him.

You need to think of this from your point of view only. 2 months in, you really don't owe him anything, its early days. So what do you get from this apart from frustration and wondering what's wrong with you, or him? A new partner should excite you, arouse you, and engage with you. This man does none of that, which isn't his fault, if he is just made that way, or whatever. What is his fault, is stringing you along in this with platitudes about it not being you, when clearly, if he isn't passionate about you, he shouldnt be using you this way as a stopgap against lonliness.

Emme

maria34 wrote: »

He asks me to stay ofcourse. He always asked few days before at least so i can get a babysitter.
Once when he came over to mine i told him he can stay but if he doesnt want to he can go home. He stayed.
Now he has lost his full time job recently. And he has big financial responsibilities as far as he has told me.

I actually met a happy guy but now he is kinda changed.

This puts a different spin on things. Maybe he's too anxious to get close to you and feels that it's best not to get involved with anyone because he's lost his job. Perhaps he enjoys your company but your needs aren't being met.

Lenmeister

maria34 wrote: »

I have asked him. His answer was that he sees me as a friend only but the friendship is the basic of every relationship and blablabla. Basically dragging me along is he?

.......... I don't get it, honestly. I'm going to sound harsh here you need to look at this properly.

He told you he wants what you don't want and you're still confused? He told you he sees you as a friend and nothing more. This isn't the relationship you're looking for. He just wants companionship it seems. I mean you told him that you wanted sex in conversation, but it hasn't happened. And he told you that he just sees you as a friend. "Just the other day i kissed him and he kinda pushed me a bit away in a while.", another obvious hint that he wants nothing more than companionship.

If I was you I'd forget about him. You want a sexual relationship, he just wants your company. The signs are all there. You need to tell him that this isn't going to work if he can't be intimate with you. If he can't, then I suggest you look elsewhere. Hope this helps.

maria34

Lenmeister wrote: »

.......... I don't get it, honestly. I'm going to sound harsh here you need to look at this properly.

He told you he wants what you don't want and you're still confused? He told you he sees you as a friend and nothing more. This isn't the relationship you're looking for. He just wants companionship it seems. I mean you told him that you wanted sex in conversation, but it hasn't happened. And he told you that he just sees you as a friend. "Just the other day i kissed him and he kinda pushed me a bit away in a while.", another obvious hint that he wants nothing more than companionship.

If I was you I'd forget about him. You want a sexual relationship, he just wants your company. The signs are all there. You need to tell him that this isn't going to work if he can't be intimate with you. If he can't, then I suggest you look elsewhere. Hope this helps.

hi,

yes he texted that kind of stuff, but there few other texts aswell and then he said its hard to explain as its confusing and better to talk face to face. so we met and i asked him straight does he fancy me. he said ofcourse he does, he wouldnt go out with me without any attraction and he wants more than a friendship aswell. he was quiet happy when i asked him to be honest. big smile on the face etc.

now it gets weird a bit as he doesnt contact me as much before. i see the difference. he came over once with the kids because he was in the same area, we had good time, but no adult time ofcourse if u know what i mean. after it he has not contacted me in any way. usually we text few msgs during night, now theres nothing. i asked something last night per text but he didnt answer, usually if he sleeps he answers next morning. nothing now. he is alive, i know that.
ah well i guess u had right. i asked him and he answered, but he doesnt look like in love or something so he lied.

Emme

maria34 wrote: »

hi,

yes he texted that kind of stuff, but there few other texts aswell and then he said its hard to explain as its confusing and better to talk face to face. so we met and i asked him straight does he fancy me. he said ofcourse he does, he wouldnt go out with me without any attraction and he wants more than a friendship aswell. he was quiet happy when i asked him to be honest. big smile on the face etc.

now it gets weird a bit as he doesnt contact me as much before. i see the difference. he came over once with the kids because he was in the same area, we had good time, but no adult time ofcourse if u know what i mean. after it he has not contacted me in any way. usually we text few msgs during night, now theres nothing. i asked something last night per text but he didnt answer, usually if he sleeps he answers next morning. nothing now. he is alive, i know that.
ah well i guess u had right. i asked him and he answered, but he doesnt look like in love or something so he lied.

My advice is cut all contact as this will go nowhere.

Lenmeister

maria34 wrote: »

yes he texted that kind of stuff, but there few other texts aswell

We have had 3 full nights together and he hasnt tryed to sleep with me

i asked him straight does he fancy me. he said ofcourse he does, he wouldnt go out with me without any attraction and he wants more than a friendship aswell. he was quiet happy when i asked him to be honest. big smile on the face etc.

Ya he sent you other texts to keep your interest. Think about it, he's telling you he "oh ofcourse I fancy you otherwise I wouldn't be here" etc, yet you spent nights together with no sexual contact. Honestly, the big smile and seeming honest means nothing. He's saying he wants one thing, then doing the opposite. And now you say he barely or doesn't respond. You're with him 2 months so he has had plenty of time and numerous chances to become physical with you, yet he pushes you away.

You need to tell him it's not going to work and move on.

maria34

I wrote him its getting silly and we are two adults after all. Wont contact him any more as its said enough is it?
If i delete him everywhere then i sound like lunatic making a big deal of it?

Lenmeister

"If i delete him everywhere" - you mean delete his number, texts etc? Yes I would be doing that now. Don't contact him again, delete his number etc. Your time is valuable, do NOT waste let him waste it.

maria34

Yes thats what i mean, i have him in facebook and his hotmail too.

Lenmeister

Delete his facebook, hotmail, his number, texts... Everything. If you don't, you won't move on.

maria34

Great. Ill do that. Thanks.

m'lady

Move on Maria, he wants what was said to me before 'a boyfriend/girlfriend in everything but name' ... Meaning he wants u there but not prepared to put the effort in and doesn't feel the same as u do for him.

Move on- u deserve better x

maria34

Yes deleted him everywhere. Before deleting him in fb i looked at his pics, never really done that. So i found few ladies who have been there before me. Dont think they are friends with him any more. Might be the same reason so its easier for me. Unfriended him and that was it.

CaraMay

maria34 wrote: »

Yes deleted him everywhere. Before deleting him in fb i looked at his pics, never really done that. So i found few ladies who have been there before me. Dont think they are friends with him any more. Might be the same reason so its easier for me. Unfriended him and that was it.

Would you not do the adult thing and tell him it's finished to his face? He hasn't treated you badly and IMHO you are half to blame for the situation as you would not talk directly to him.

It sounds to me like he is in love with someone else - he likes female company but can't get close to them... Dunno it's very strange.

Might also be an idea to hold off introducing new partners to your kids until you are sure it's a runner.

maria34

Yes i wrote him an explanation too. Dont know if he answers. Doesnt matter really.

I have the feeling he cant let go his ex, the mother of his kids. It was long time ago she went with another man and had a child. He pays morgage and extra money for her, which seems to be fine. She sends him pics about the new child (and about his own children too ofcourse) which is a bit odd.

CaraMay

Forget writing to him and texting him, you need to TALK to him.

Emme

CaraMay wrote: »

Forget writing to him and texting him, you need to TALK to him.

Why should she talk to him or indeed communicate with him at all? When she told him how she felt he stopped texting her. I think the OP should just walk away and have no more dealings with this man. She has already deleted him from FB which is a step in the right direction.

Lenmeister

I agree. She has already done all the talking she needs to. She has already said that she told him what she wants, he said he didn't want what she wants. That pretty much ends it right there. She should already be looking forward and be forgetting about him completely. She already has been adult about it by telling him exactly what she wants. The only adult thing left to do is make sure she deletes all his contact information and forget about him. I'm presuming she had a face to face talk about it going nowhere.

maria34

Lenmeister wrote: »

I agree. She has already done all the talking she needs to. She has already said that she told him what she wants, he said he didn't want what she wants. That pretty much ends it right there. She should already be looking forward and be forgetting about him completely. She already has been adult about it by telling him exactly what she wants. The only adult thing left to do is make sure she deletes all his contact information and forget about him. I'm presuming she had a face to face talk about it going nowhere.

well i have been a bit immature myself here, i dont find talking face to face really easy, but i did it and he said he fancies me and so on. anyway contact between me and him got less after it, even before it to be honest as it was quiet good before it. so i texted we should talk like adults. he didnt answer. i guess i was thinking loads of things in my head and didnt want to obsess with that stuff any more, so i deleted him everywhere. and wrote explanation why. and got answer, that he has no clue and its my head ... so we kept texting where i was honest about me and that i like him (no word about sex) and that i feel its not mutual and we should leave it as it is and stay friends.
his answer was about sex (i didnt touch the subject) and that if he doesnt have sex with me it doesnt mean he doesnt like me!
anyway he said also theres no way back after my immature behaviour and that was it. phew ...

judgefudge

Wow, he acts like a headwreck and then when you end it he tries to blame your "immature behaviour".

You are waaaaay better off without this one OP! Good luck!