No kids at 38

LegacyUser

I'm not going to make this a long post. I'll get straight to the point:-

I'm really anxious that I'm 28 and have no children. I'm in a relationship for over a year. We're not in the place to have kids yet. I would like them one day. It feels like I'm wasting time by waiting.

What if I end up never having them?

Ickle Magoo

Your title says 38 & your post 28 - I'm going to assume that you are worried because it's the former and the 28 is a typo.

Hope you get some good advice, OP. :cool:

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Your title says 38 & your post 28 - I'm going to assume that you are worried because it's the former and the 28 is a typo.

Hope you get some good advice, OP. :cool:

38... sorry.

fussyonion

I wouldn't be too concerned about this, OP, you're only 38 and I assume in good health.

Despite how you feel, you really aren't wasting time at your age. Plenty of women have kids well into their forties and even fifties!

It obviously isn't the right time for you and your partner to take the plunge and have a baby and actually, you should be commended for being sensible and actually admitting to each other you're not ready, rather than be one of those women who find themselves pregnant and can't cope because they weren't ready in the first place.

You've plenty of time to become a mother and if, for some reason it doesn't happen naturally, there are a myraid of options available to you.

All a child needs is love and good parents.

Childless

Childless wrote: »

What if I end up never having them?

I think you need to think about the reason why you want children so badly. If you never end up having them then that's a fate you'll need to become comfortable with.

If you don't conceive yourself you can always adopt, but that said, I can't imagine it's healthy to feel like not having them would be the end of the world. It's perfectly fine for a person to make their children the centre of their life, but you can't hinge your happiness on having them, because you'll leave yourself lost if you don't manage to have them, and even if you do have them, you need to have other things in your life that make you happy too.

CaraMay

What is stopping you having kids now?

John Mason

i am 38 too and childless tbh if you want children you should really start trying tonight.

you could be fine and have children in your fifties or it could even be too late for you now (as is my case). you are already considered a geriatric in pregnant terms and are too old to adopt for most countries when you take into account the 4/6 year appraisal time.

you could go to a fertility place and get them to test the quantity and quality of your eggs

fussyonion

John Mason wrote: »

i am 38 too and childless tbh if you want children you should really start trying tonight.

you could be fine and have children in your fifties or it could even be too late for you now (as is my case). you are already considered a geriatric in pregnant terms and are too old to adopt for most countries when you take into account the 4/6 year appraisal time.

you could go to a fertility place and get them to test the quantity and quality of your eggs

Get real..she's hardly geriatric at 38!

Sure a man can make a baby well into his seventies and women don't have that luxury, but she's hardly geriatric!
I disagree she's too old to adopt-I know several couples who have adopted and they're in their late forties.

Don't start making the woman feel inadequate when she came here to let it all out!

CaraMay

Fussyonion, Over 35 you are deemed a geriatric mother and to be having a geriatric pregnancy by the medical world.

John Mason

fussyonion wrote: »

Get real..she's hardly geriatric at 38!

Sure a man can make a baby well into his seventies and women don't have that luxury, but she's hardly geriatric!
I disagree she's too old to adopt-I know several couples who have adopted and they're in their late forties.

Don't start making the woman feel inadequate when she came here to let it all out!

pregnant women over the age of 35 are considered as geriatric mothers by maternity hospitals.

and your friends who adopted into their 40's had most likely started the process 6 years before hand. a lot of countries have close their doors to international adoptions which means there are a lot less available children.

these are the facts, you cannot sugar coat facts and it would be wrong to.

LegacyUser

fussyonion wrote: »

Don't start making the woman feel inadequate when she came here to let it all out!

It's not about making her feel inadequate but stating fact as CaraMay points out in medical terms any woman over 35 is deemed to be a geriatric mother in the eyes of the medical world. I wouldn't be as dramatic as the other posters saying start now! but the OP needs to sit down and look at things realistically. She has some breathing room but not mountains of it.

38 certainly isn't too old but the OP has to take into consideration that once you enter your 40's your chances of natural conception start to drop each year. While that's still a number of years off the OP has to consider how long they would try naturally and if it doesn't happen they would need to go speak to a doctor about fertility treatments and tests will need to be done, they would go on waiting lists or have to pay to go private. All of this adds time and money to the equation not to mention a lot of stress on a body and a relationship. The OP needs to firstly ask the seriously honest question of it they want kids - is it important to them that they are biologically hers or would they consider adoption, many women just don't want to adopt and have hang ups about the child being 'theirs'.

Then her and her partner need to have a serious talk about if they will have a child together and if yes when they will start trying. Waiting to be in the right place money wise/job wise is understandable but they should agree if they aren't in that place in say 2 years they should just start trying regardless.

Shoves

Depends really, are you a bird or bloke? Realistically women do have a cut off point and chances of conceiving naturally diminish once you're over a certain age.
I'm 32 and pregnant on my first. Would've preferred to wait a few more years with work /study commitments but figured I'd better get cracking. Something else to consider, if you do have problems conceiving, your GP may not refer you to fertility specialist until after 2years.

Best thing to do is have a serious talk with your partner about what you both want and then with your GP. You're probably not going to get great advice on boards

LegacyUser

I'm female. And true-or-false I never said 'not having them would be the end of the world' but as a woman would be upsetting to find I've left it too late... for various reasons: having been in numerous long-term relationships that didn't work out etc.

@CaraMay I've only been with my current partner just over a year. We're still in the very early stages, not living together etc, to go down this road.

I was quite surprised when I discussed this with a friend recently. I said that by the time myself and my partner ever got around to being married (I was testing the waters as to her opinion on kids out of wedlock etc) I would be WAY too old to have children. Her response was something along the lines of 'you can still have kids into your 40's'... I expected her to say 'you don't have to be married to have children'. Her response disappointed me. If a girl, my friend, in her mid-30's, is still of the opinion that you have to be married to have a child then 'I'm screwed!'

Neyite

Childless wrote: »

I'm female. And true-or-false I never said 'not having them would be the end of the world' but as a woman would be upsetting to find I've left it too late... for various reasons: having been in numerous long-term relationships that didn't work out etc.

@CaraMay I've only been with my current partner just over a year. We're still in the very early stages, not living together etc, to go down this road.

I was quite surprised when I discussed this with a friend recently. I said that by the time myself and my partner ever got around to being married (I was testing the waters as to her opinion on kids out of wedlock etc) I would be WAY too old to have children. Her response was something along the lines of 'you can still have kids into your 40's'... I expected her to say 'you don't have to be married to have children'. Her response disappointed me. If a girl, my friend, in her mid-30's, is still of the opinion that you have to be married to have a child then 'I'm screwed!'

Why on earth does her opinion matter to you? Surely the only people who should decide how important marriage before children come along is you and your partner. Plenty of people have their children first and plan to marry down the line - I'm one of them.

Talk to your partner. Realistically you have a few years yet to conceive, but at the late thirties it can be harder to achieve quickly.

carolmon

Childless wrote: »

I was quite surprised when I discussed this with a friend recently. I said that by the time myself and my partner ever got around to being married (I was testing the waters as to her opinion on kids out of wedlock etc) I would be WAY too old to have children. Her response was something along the lines of 'you can still have kids into your 40's'... I expected her to say 'you don't have to be married to have children'. Her response disappointed me. If a girl, my friend, in her mid-30's, is still of the opinion that you have to be married to have a child then 'I'm screwed!'

I think that's a bit unfair..........you were testing her opinion about having kids without being married but you didn't ask her about this issue directly, instead you focussed on the age you'd be by the time you and your partner married.

Maybe she thinks you want to be married first and so focused on the age factor in her answer...... she might have listened to you talk previously about getting married/ having kids in that order and think it's a given for you.

But tbh as another poster says it really shouldn't matter what other people think, if you feel the right thing for you and your partner is to try for a baby now go for it.... it's between you two only.
Personally if I was in your position and knew this is the man I wanted to have children with and he felt similarly I would start trying to conceive immediately,,,the practical details can be sorted out easily enough if the feeling is right between you,
good luck

seamus

Childless wrote: »

@CaraMay I've only been with my current partner just over a year. We're still in the very early stages, not living together etc, to go down this road.

In the bluntest possible terms; you don't really have time to wait. You're not 23 anymore, and farting around just seeing where the relationship goes isn't really feasible if you plan on having children.

Assuming he's roughly the same age as you, he's probably well aware that a year is plenty of time in terms of deciding whether or not the relationship works, so I think you should set out your stall now. Let him know that your plan is children and you don't have time to wait, and then work from there.

Emme

fussyonion wrote: »

I wouldn't be too concerned about this, OP, you're only 38 and I assume in good health.

Despite how you feel, you really aren't wasting time at your age. Plenty of women have kids well into their forties and even fifties!

That isn't necessarily true. Women's fertility takes a nosedive at 35 and I wouldn't advise any woman to leave having children until after 40. I think the OP is perfectly entitled to be concerned.

I don't have children myself because I was leaving it until the "right" time. Now it's too late for me.

dr.bollocko

Why would the opinion of your friend matter in this scenario?
Your possibility of having children, I'm sure, is a much higher priority for you than the potential raised eyebrows of a few friends over getting pregnant while unmarried.

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

In the bluntest possible terms; you don't really have time to wait. You're not 23 anymore, and farting around just seeing where the relationship goes isn't really feasible if you plan on having children.

Assuming he's roughly the same age as you, he's probably well aware that a year is plenty of time in terms of deciding whether or not the relationship works, so I think you should set out your stall now. Let him know that your plan is children and you don't have time to wait, and then work from there.

+ 1 totally agree with Seamus, while you don't need to panic and start trying right this second you don't have any spare time to dick around. You need to talk to your partner about where your relationship is going. Does he want kids? Doesn't have to want them right now this second but what happens if you don't ask and wait another 2 years and find out he doesn't want them? Better to ask now even if you feel the relationship is still newish and it might be an uncomfortable conversation. If you both want different things then the relationship isn't going to last anyway. Ask him and then decide if having kids is important enough to end the relationship and find someone else. If he does want kids then you need to come to an understanding that it's not something you can put off forever and you should set a clear deadline for the latest you would start trying.

Siuin

John Mason wrote: »

pregnant women over the age of 35 are considered as geriatric mothers by maternity hospitals.

and your friends who adopted into their 40's had most likely started the process 6 years before hand. a lot of countries have close their doors to international adoptions which means there are a lot less available children.

these are the facts, you cannot sugar coat facts and it would be wrong to.

For what it's worth, my mom had my brother at 36 and me 11 months later and both pregnancies went perfectly. Her gyni said that it's not age which matters but rather overall health. However I still think that the OP should seriously start looking into starting a family ASAP.

LegacyUser

My partner does want children. It was a conversation we had very early on as, again, time is slightly against us here so we both needed to know that we were on the same page.

I totally agree that my friend's opinion (and those of others) doesn't matter when you get down to the nitty gritty details but her reaction surprised me and threw me a bit. I would've expected an answer more along the lines of 'you don't need to have a ring on your finger to have kids these days'. I would never have been the type to always wish for 'the fairytale wedding and the kids to follow'. As in my nature I'm the type to see how things go and see where I end up.

Now I've ended up at 38, thinking about kids and how little time I have left to decide if it's a road I really, really want to go down. I can't dick around for much longer, which is the main point coming from all the posts.

Thanks so much for the advice. The clock ticks on!

Diziet

You are right to consider the issueof children now. It is all well and good to say that you have plenty of time, but the reality is that fertility decreases and the risk of chromosomal abnormalities increases significantly after the age of 38. I had a baby at 38 and that thinking was a significant factor.

But the other aspect is it takes 2 to tango, and you have to be sure your partner will be a good father. The wedding etc are immaterial.

LegacyUser

Diziet wrote: »

You are right to consider the issueof children now. It is all well and good to say that you have plenty of time, but the reality is that fertility decreases and the risk of chromosomal abnormalities increases significantly after the age of 38. I had a baby at 38 and that thinking was a significant factor.

But the other aspect is it takes 2 to tango, and you have to be sure your partner will be a good father. The wedding etc are immaterial.

Thanks so much for your reply. My partner has a child from a previous relationship. He's a great father.

I am really aware that I don't have plenty of time. No woman has 'plenty of time' when she's thinking about kids at the age of 38.

You're absolutely right that weddings etc are immaterial to whether you want to be with someone and start a family. However, f**king Catholic Ireland has done some huge harm to the psyche of most people in this country with regards to things like this. The Catholic guilt hangs over me in a kind of 'I'd be letting my parents down' kind of way. It's ridiculous, I know but it's easier said that done.

I'm not a practising Catholic or anything, might I add.

Gyalist

John Mason wrote: »

pregnant women over the age of 35 are considered as geriatric mothers by maternity hospitals.

The medical term for a woman who has her first pregnancy after 34 is elderly primagravida.

dellas1979

You are kind of letting everything dictate you having a choice to have children. If its not you are 1 year into your relationship (with a guy who already has a child-he knows what its all bout), its your friend's reaction, to "catholic ireland". Dont mean sound crass or something, but its you thats putting up all the hurdles, not your ovaries. in effect, Id be more worried about your mind-your reasons to bring a baby into the world, rather than if you can have them or not.

While those hurdles are in your head, no babies are coming out of no where!

If you want children.....if you were absolutely adamant that you want children, those hurdles/doubts wouldnt be a factor.

And finally, it is ok to not want to have children. All women have the plumbing, but not all were made to be mothers.

movingsucks

In my mind having a child with someone is a bigger commitment than being married to them (maybe I'm being simplistic here), so I'm not sure why you are worried or upset by what your friend said. The father of your child will always be a part of your life in some way, no matter what happens.
You can get married in three months. It takes at least nine to make a baby.
So when you said to your friend "by the time we get around to getting married" maybe she thought what you meant was by the time you're relationship is strong enough to consider marriage, plan and pay for a wedding?

I do think it might be better to have a child at 40 and be more sure of your relationship with the child's dad than have one at 39 and not be sure if that makes sense?

implausible

OP, if you have had "the chat" and he wants to have kids, surely he is aware of where your relationship is going and that time is not on your side? If you really want to have children, you need to get cracking now. Waiting around on this man to get down on bended knee and organise an overpriced knees-up will not increase your chances of conception. Equally, waiting around until he doesn't and the relationship goes stale will put you back where you started, except a few years older. If you want children and are worried, tell him, tell him now. If the huge surprise of a 38 year old woman being worried about her fertility is too much for him, then move on and get a sperm donor.

Life is too short to spend the second half of it having regrets and you are far more likely to regret not having children than letting a relationship go.

Diziet

Childless wrote: »

You're absolutely right that weddings etc are immaterial to whether you want to be with someone and start a family. However, f**king Catholic Ireland has done some huge harm to the psyche of most people in this country with regards to things like this. The Catholic guilt hangs over me in a kind of 'I'd be letting my parents down' kind of way. It's ridiculous, I know but it's easier said that done.

I'm not a practising Catholic or anything, might I add.

Is all this pressure real, or is it in your head? What does 'letting your parents down' mean, what is actually the worst that can happen? Would they take to their beds forever, or would they in fact be delighted with a grandchild? Nobody is holding a gun to you - you are entirely free to choose what you want to do. The decision is your responsibility.

Catholic guilt is over-rated :-)

Addle

Diziet wrote: »

Catholic guilt is over-rated :-)

Couldn't agree more.
Though a pregnancy out if wedlock may not be considered ideal by some parents, once the baby arrives, there is no denying their love for it.

LegacyUser

Addle wrote: »

Couldn't agree more.
Though a pregnancy out if wedlock may not be considered ideal by some parents, once the baby arrives, there is no denying their love for it.

I totally agree. But you know how you need to get thoughts out of your head to hear how ludicrous they are... and gaining other people's perspectives always helps get your thoughts straight in your head.

I would like to start conversations about this with my partner now. I'm on the pill so even if I stop taking it it'll take a while to get my body back into normal hormonal behaviour!

As another poster mentioned, "Waiting to be in the right place money wise/job wise is understandable but they should agree if they aren't in that place in say 2 years they should just start trying regardless." I really like the idea of putting a timeline on it and whether circumstances are 'perfect' or not we should go ahead regardless.

implausible

Childless wrote: »

I would like to start conversations about this with my partner now. I'm on the pill so even if I stop taking it it'll take a while to get my body back into normal hormonal behaviour!

Just on this - it's not always the case. I know of many women, including myself, who got pregnant immediately after stopping the pill. Your hormone levels can soar once you stop due to being suppressed so long, making you very fertile.

Good luck with it OP, don't put off the conversation!

Siuin

implausible wrote: »

Just on this - it's not always the case. I know of many women, including myself, who got pregnant immediately after stopping the pill.

+ 1 to that! I know a woman who was engaged and stopped taking the pill so that she could start a family ASAP once she was married. Well, as you might have guessed, she ended up on the alter 6 months pregnant in a maternity wedding dress. Not ideal.

Siuin

Siuin wrote: »

+ 1 to that! I know a woman who was engaged and stopped taking the pill so that she could start a family ASAP once she was married. Well, as you might have guessed, she ended up on the alter 6 months pregnant in a maternity wedding dress. Not ideal.

I never really get that. Would you not just use a condom for a few months just in case?

Anyway, 38 is not 'too old' but it's getting there and I think telling a woman she's grand to wait until her forties or fifties (!!!) is downright irresponsible. Fertility declines and risks rise sharply after the age of 35.

Cerulean Chicken

implausible wrote: »

Just on this - it's not always the case. I know of many women, including myself, who got pregnant immediately after stopping the pill. Your hormone levels can soar once you stop due to being suppressed so long, making you very fertile.

Good luck with it OP, don't put off the conversation!

Yep I heard fertility expert on tv recently say that the first 2 months after coming off the pill are very fertile, that people mistakenly wait for their cycle to return to normal. The sudden drop off in hormones makes your body basically confused, and more receptive.

Siuin

Linda Tight Drummer wrote: »

I never really get that. Would you not just use a condom for a few months just in case?

Lol yeah, that's what her mother said :P

eviltwin

You seem more focused on the reasons not to have a baby rather than the reason to have one. It doesn't sound like someone desperate for a baby.

I agree you need to be in the right place but you're never going to get all your eggs in a row. Ask anyone with kids, rarely is everything perfect. People adapt and work around it and for the most part find their flow and it all works out okay.

I do think you should have the converstation even if just to find out your partners views on the issue and don't worry so much about what friends or parents think. Its your life. Having a baby outside marriage isn't anything to feel shame over.

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

You seem more focused on the reasons not to have a baby rather than the reason to have one. It doesn't sound like someone desperate for a baby.

I never said I was 'desperate to have a baby' rather my point is that as I get older I need to seriously think about what my options are etc. It's been on my mind alot recently as another birthday rocks around.

Nothing will ever be 'perfect' in terms of timing etc. I just need to start having the conversations as time waits for no man.

Thanks so much for all your responses. I'm sure I'm not the only woman who is anxious at this time of her life about this very subject. I hope someone else has gotten something out of this thread, not just myself.

The_Conductor

Childless- you're 38. If you say you are still thinking what your options are- you're farting around and getting no-where. There is never the 'perfect' time to have a child- but somehow we all cope. Time is against you- and if you're still thinking out your options- this fact alone should be paramount. The older you get- the riskier pregnancies are- and something people don't tell you- the harder it is to take care of children. Staying up half the night, and then going into work in the morning- is something that is a hell of a lot harder to do in your 30s than in your 20s- and even harder the older you get.

If you want children- quit procrastinating, the longer you leave it, the less likely you are to have children. I'm not trying to scare you- I am speaking simple facts- if you want children, you need to start trying asap.

pansophelia

OP, I really don't want to be dramatic here, but if you want a baby you need to start trying now. Pregnancy in your 40s is unusual, and in your 50s is frankly a medical miracle. There are of course women who conceive naturally in their 40s, but there are many, many women who have attempted to conceive at your age, and failed.
You're in a better position than you think you are though. You're in a loving relationship with your partner, your partner also wants children, and you already know he's a good father.
Have a think, if you went to a gynae now, and were told you had left it too late, how would that make you feel?

LegacyUser

I hear what you're both saying @pansophelia and @smccarrick. However, only being with my partner a year is not grounds for rushing into anything, particularly bringing a child into the world.. and also in the current economic situation there is alot of think of.

I'm not saying I'm going to think about it for the next 2 - 3 years and end up leaving myself with no time at all. But, I'd like to talk to my partner, see how we're fixed, weigh up our options and think it out clearly, logically and calmly.

Babooshka

Childless wrote: »

I hear what you're both saying @pansophelia and @smccarrick. However, only being with my partner a year is not grounds for rushing into anything, particularly bringing a child into the world.. and also in the current economic situation there is alot of think of.

I'm not saying I'm going to think about it for the next 2 - 3 years and end up leaving myself with no time at all. But, I'd like to talk to my partner, see how we're fixed, weigh up our options and think it out clearly, logically and calmly.

Howdy. I sympathise, and empathise. I will be 40 this yr and we're just marrying. I will be lucky to conceive when I start trying. My partner wasn't and still isn't one to be rushed on these things and I just didn't feel strongly enough to push for it either,things just didn't work out that way. I'm just delighted that things have worked out with my partner and we've decided to spend the rest of our lives together. If I manage to conceive in the next couple of years I'll look on it as meant to be and a gift. If not, I'm at peace with not having children.

I don't struggle with it, it's to be or not to be. I do realise some women feel such strong urges to have a baby that it can be a life or death thing but I just don't feel that way. I would love to be blessed with one, but although I am not religious it is one area I am spiritual about, a child will be conceived if a child is meant for you, or you will find a child in your life somehow, I really do believe that. I hope it works out for you. I did panic a lot about this maybe 2 or 3 yrs ago but now that I know we're spending the rest of our lives together now, I just feel way more secure in myself, if that makes sense. One way or another, I have finally realised that feelings of anxiousness are just going to hinder any problems that arise around it, so try to just enjoy your relationship for now. I will say a little prayer for you that things work out for the best.

NakedNNettles

At 38 years of age to be letting economics, people's opinion and traditional religious / social conventions dictate the direction of one's future happiness is terribly sad.

These factors should be a non-issue at this stage if you truly want a child.

How do you want to be looking back on this time 20-30 years from now? With regret or as a turning point in your life for the better.

Love2u

Childless wrote: »

I'm not going to make this a long post. I'll get straight to the point:-

I'm really anxious that I'm 28 and have no children. I'm in a relationship for over a year. We're not in the place to have kids yet. I would like them one day. It feels like I'm wasting time by waiting.

What if I end up never having them?

I'm sorry but you are jumping the gun here. Remember you are only in the relationship for a year. It's a little soon to start thinking of rushing into having babies. Get your relationship to a stage where you are fully committed to each other and also ensure you are financially set up. Children need security and there's no point bringing children into the world until you have everything in place for them. You have plenty of time and you are still young. I'm a mother of two and I know what I'm talking about.

Brego888

Love2u wrote: »

I'm sorry but you are jumping the gun here. Remember you are only in the relationship for a year. It's a little soon to start thinking of rushing into having babies. Get your relationship to a stage where you are fully committed to each other and also ensure you are financially set up. Children need security and there's no point bringing children into the world until you have everything in place for them. You have plenty of time and you are still young. I'm a mother of two and I know what I'm talking about.

She's 38 not 28.
I respectfully disagree that you know what you're talking about or at least you haven't read the rest of the thread

StillWaters

I find it strange that your relationship is not at the stage after a year where you can lay your cards on the table. Anyone I know who settled down in their late 40s, did so in a whirlwind, and had babe in arms by their 40th birthday.
This was not out of desperation, but out of pragmatism. And a 'ah here, were not kids here, we know what we want' philosophy. If your partner is not on this page, and instead wants the drawn out courtship which is a luxury of those younger and older than yourself. It's time to decide him or a baby, because it will get increasingly unlikely you can have both.

Love2u

Brego888 wrote: »

She's 38 not 28.
I respectfully disagree that you know what you're talking about or at least you haven't read the rest of the thread

Ok if she's 38, that ok too, I see many women having babies in their fourties. Nothing wrong with it. I think she needs to be discussing this situation with her partner to make sure he's on the same page as her. Its a serious commitment and one that should be made between the two of them. Not in here.

Love2u

pansophelia wrote: »

OP, I really don't want to be dramatic here, but if you want a baby you need to start trying now. Pregnancy in your 40s is unusual, and in your 50s is frankly a medical miracle. There are of course women who conceive naturally in their 40s, but there are many, many women who have attempted to conceive at your age, and failed.
You're in a better position than you think you are though. You're in a loving relationship with your partner, your partner also wants children, and you already know he's a good father.
Have a think, if you went to a gynae now, and were told you had left it too late, how would that make you feel?

Pregnancy in your fourties is not unusual, God will you give the woman a break. Lots of couples are starting families at an older age and I think it's great. As long as she and her partner are healthy, she need not worry.

LegacyUser

Love2u wrote: »

Pregnancy in your fourties is not unusual, God will you give the woman a break. Lots of couples are starting families at an older age and I think it's great. As long as she and her partner are healthy, she need not worry.

Thats a very rose coloured glasses view of the whole thing. Yes many more women are having kids later in life but it is rarely a straight forward process. A women's fertility starts to drop each year she is in her 40's and the chances of her conceiving naturally drops dramatically - down to 25% by 44/45 - the increase of women having children in their 40's is little to do with a god and alot more to do with Doctors and science and processes that can be expensive and stressful.

It's all well and good for folks to say 'I know X woman who was 40+ and had a baby with little issue', it's anecdotal, I can just easily tell people about my 92 year old Granddad who smoked since he was 16 and never had any health issues - while that is true it does not mean smoking isn't bad for you. The facts are the later in life you try to get pregnant the harder it can be and the more risks involved for both health of the woman and potential baby. If the OP wants to have children she doesn't have a massive buffer, she can afford to wait a year or two but realistically that's about it, she needs to be talking with her partner and agreeing that they will start trying in 18months/24 months regardless of were they are money/career wise. The OP should also discuss with her partner how far they are willing to go to get pregnant - the OP states they already have children so while they might be willing to give it a try the old fashioned way they might not be so ready to go through multiple IVF treatments.

Sleepy

I think you can make this decision quite easily by answering this question for yourself: which is actually the worst case scenario in your opinion:

1) Waiting a couple of years for the "right time" / to give you time to get married / to be in a better place financially and when reaching it discovering you can't have kids / your relationship hasn't worked out and you're now single and too old to start that process again.

2) Having one now and your relationship not working out.

You know your partner is a good father to a child from a previous relationship so why would it be any different for your child were things to go wrong between ye?

All too often, life is about choosing what we really want to have now versus the dream of having an idealised version of it in the future.

CathyMoran

I had my son when I was 36, my daughter when I was 37. I had multiple heart breaking miscarriages before having my son. I had the nuchal scan and blood test for mine as I wanted to know if something was wrong. In both cases the tests were good but the increase in risk by just a year by age alone was huge and my daughters blood results were better than my son's.

I would love a 3rd one but am 39 now and could not afford another one until 40 so we are sticking at 2.

Time is your enemy - you need to start trying now.

Love2u

John Mason wrote: »

this is such bad advice

We are 38, and both healthy why didnt god give us a break?

The OP cannot afford to wait until her 40's

As i said, I think the woman needs to speak to her partner firstly and take it from there. Every one is rushing her into starting "now", scarring her that if she doesn't right now it may never happen. I think that's wrong given her circumstances.