How important is it to defend a new relationship?

LegacyUser

HI, I have started a relationship with a man I have known for a while. He is similar to me in a lot of ways and is very honest (sometimes too much so!haha) and caring. He's a hard worker, he's intelligent and he is crazy about me. I was in quite an abusive relationship in the past and so I don't get involved with people easily. I can be very cold and distant but this guy has been patient, even when I was being totally unreasonable.

But my cousin already doesn't really like him. Me and her are like sisters in a lot of ways but the problem is this: He's African and black and I am Irish and white. She thinks the relationship is weird and she sneers about it. I know she wouldn't be mean to him or saying anything nasty to his face but she has made comments to me about AIDS, about mixed race kids, about needing to wash her hands if a black guy touched off her. All awful stuff. The problem is, I don't think she is alone in these thoughts and I can think of at least 4 other family members who will think the same way.

It is only a new relationship and just like any new thing there is a lot of learning and discovering to be done. My friends all like him, it really is just family members that worry me. So what I am asking is, how do I stand strong on it without getting into an argument? If I don't defend the relationship is that bad? I feel like I shouldn't have to explain it and so I should be so nonchalant and dismissive of any comments and just act like they are joking so as to not entertain it but I do feel guilty that he'll have to prove himself extra harder than any Irish guy would. His family are more accepting and don't seem to have any problems with me at all. (the ones I know about anyway!)

Toast4532

Tell them to mind their own business, who you see is your business and no one else.

Just because he from another continent and is a different colour does not mean he is a bad guy or has AIDS.

You are an adult and I presume capable of making your own choices without input from others.

In my opinion your course is being racist towards your bf for no reason. Her behaviour is utterly disgusting and I would be minimising contact until she learns to accept your new relationship/bf and keeps her nasty comments/opinions to herself. She has zero right to speak about him the way she is and you should be standing up for him.

Personally if I had family members who spoke about my bf like that I would avoid them where possible and certainly wouldn't want them around my bf.

What if it gets serious between you and your bf? Marriage, kids, mortgage etc. Will your cousin/family continue making such snide remarks to you about your family then?

fussyonion

Nice to see racism alive and well in 2013 (*sarcastic*).

Your cousin is being an out-and-out racist towards your boyfriend and you should sit her down and tell her you won't tolerate her attitude towards him or anyone else who is black, for that matter.

Personally, I'd be ashamed if any of my family treated a person like that just because they had a different skin colour to mine.
You like this guy and he likes you and it shouldn't matter to ANYONE what colour he is.

I'm sure your family just want you to be happy and for a man to treat you well...so why the hell does the fact he's black matter?!
Seriously..tell your family their attitude is appalling.

LegacyUser

the guy makes you happy, why would anyone who loves say such horrible things about someone who makes you happy?? why would you take it and act like what they say is a joke? defend the relationship, stand up to the racist comments, and stand up for yourself and your fella!

the next time she says something like that draw attention to it. ''excuse me - WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?'' ''sorry CAN YOU REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID?'' i've found that simple trick works as a rebuttle for horrible comments as people usually realise on some level what they're saying is despicable and are loathe to repeat it if attention is drawn to it.

if she or other members of your family continue with the horrible comments you should make it clear that they have a choice - shut up and be happy for you or you won't hang around to listen to it.

2rkehij30qtza5

Taking race out of this totally...It shouldn't matter whether he is black/white etc.

I value my family's opinions, my family are like me-same morals, values, etc.
If my family didn't like my other-half then I would think there is good reason.

Now, if the issue is purely racial with your family that's another thing. But are there other reasons that they don't like him??

I mean, i love and trust my family implicitly and if I felt that they didn't like my partner I would have to ask myself why they don't and it would definately make me question my choice. But I'm saying this on a non-racist basis.

dr.bollocko

Would you say your family has a history of expressing negative opinions about immigrants? Or Africans?

I think their own prejudices are colouring their opinion as they have formed a negative opinion of somebody far too quickly.

blatantrereg

If I don't defend the relationship is that bad? I feel like I shouldn't have to explain it and so I should be so nonchalant and dismissive of any comments and just act like they are joking so as to not entertain it but I do feel guilty that he'll have to prove himself extra harder than any Irish guy would.

You're right that you don't have to explain it. You're wrong to tolerate such remarks. They're hugely disrespectful to you yourself. As for him, well I'd be surprised if he wanted to stick around at all if you do continue you let such comments pass, once he becomes aware of the situation.

how do I stand strong on it without getting into an argument?

An argument would be pointless and counter-productive. Their behaviour is outrageous, so there's nothing to discuss. Calmly tell them it's not ok, not acceptable. If they don't stop entirely then you cut them out.

Da Shins Kelly

You shouldn't have to explain yourself, but your cousin is being racist towards your boyfriend. I think you should definitely be defending him here. You shouldn't tolerate such hateful remarks about someone you care about. If I saw someone being racist towards a stranger, I'd step in, nevermind a boyfriend. I think you should tell her and anyone else in your family who may also have these opinions to mind their own business and keep their ignorant remarks to themselves. If he makes you happy, then that's all that matters.

AnonoBoy

Tell your cousin to go f*ck herself. She's not even trying to disguise her racist attitudes with the favourite "now I'm not a racist but..." - she's just diving right in there with some terrible stuff.

Don't act like she's joking when she says stuff like that because she's not.

Next time she makes some snide remark turn around and tell her straight to her face, "If you want to be racist try doing it some place else because I'm f*cking sick of listening to it from you."

If you boyfriend makes you happy and treats you well you don't have to justify your relationship to anyone. Especially not a racist b*tch like your cousin.

Big Bag of Chips

I think I'd just answer her with a very serious "I don't find that even slightly funny", and then leave it at that. Say nothing else. Let the silence hang.

It will be enough to make her a bit uncomfortable, and maybe think before she speaks in future.

If you laugh it off, or treat it like a joke, she will not stop - and worse, she might actually say something "funny" in front of or to your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses. Maybe I wasn't clear about this in my OP. I DID tell her not to say thing like that and I told her that her opinion was disgusting and humiliating. She said she knew all that, she agreed it wasn't the right way to think but she ''just can't help it''. She said even if she tried rationalise it, she still feels uncomfortable around non Irish people. She even told me she can't eat in the canteen if her Brazilian colleague is in that day!! Believe me, I've made it clear what I think but got nowhere with it other than ''I know, but that's how I feel''. That's why I'm asking.

I don't for a second plan on letting my boyfriend be subjected to ANY of this!! They haven't even met him, my cousin said all this without ever even seeing his face.

Beruthiel

curiousgeorgiaagain wrote: »

She even told me she can't eat in the canteen if her Brazilian colleague is in that day!! Believe me, I've made it clear what I think but got nowhere with it other than ''I know, but that's how I feel''. That's why I'm asking.

I don't think I could associate with someone who held such a racist opinion, my respect for such a person would just drop through the floor.

As for the 'that's how I feel' comment, does she think that excuses her?
Is she incapable of self improvement and education?
Is she unable to change her thinking on a subject when faced with logical facts?

My neighbours are Nigerian and Irish, they have two stunningly beautiful, well mannered children, so what's her point on mixed race children exactly?

As for other family members opinions, don't lower yourself to their xenophobic tendencies. Questioning your relationship with him because of that should not be entertained.
Personally, I'd rip someone to shreds if they made the mistake of coming out with a racist comment within my earshot.

When it comes to choosing a partner, it should be because they make you happy and love you.
You don't need anyone elses blessing or approval. All you should expect is that they treat him with respect, they don't have to like him.

Big Bag of Chips

Stop hanging around with your cousin... Not because of your bf, but because she is just a horrible person.

Da Shins Kelly

Using the whole 'it's just how I feel and you can't argue with how I feel' line is weak. It's a matter of judging someone on who they are rather than what they look like and everyone is capable of educating themselves in that regard and realising that they've made a mistake and try to change. Your cousin, by the sound of it, is not even trying to be more open-minded. She has just decided that this is what she believes and is not even willing to attempt to see it in any other way. I'd probably start to distance myself.

Beruthiel

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Stop hanging around with your cousin... Not because of your bf, but because she is just a horrible person.

Not to mention the fact that she doesn't even attempt to question why she has that feeling.
Vapid people who float along thorough life with half baked ideas they picked up somewhere along the way and never question them annoy the hell out of me!

LegacyUser

wow. i can't begin to understand what goes through the mind of someone like that. she won't eat in the canteen if someone from a different country is there??? what??

i keep reading that but it still doesn't make sense to me. how can anyone be that inhuman? does her poor colleague have any idea of what's going on there? do her employers? it's true that saying that you can pick your friends but not your family. but what we CAN do is pick whether we want them in our lives or not. you have to make that decision, no one can make it for you.

but honestly, like others have said, i can't see myself ever associating with someone so racist that they'd treat another human being like an animal. what if down the line you and your fella have kids? is she saying she wouldn't shake hands with them or go to their birthday parties or whatever because their skin might be a different colour? so sad. so very sad.

ElleEm

I'm like the Voiceofreason here, I really can't grasp how someone like your cousin exists in the world. It genuinely perplexes me how they can feel a certain way just because a person comes from a different country and looks a bit different. I also feel physically nauseous (even now, writing this) that someone can be so disgusting about someone they have NEVER met.

I know it is easy for a bunch of strangers on the 'net to say, but I could not have her in my life if she was my cousin. I seriously could not stand in a room with someone who speaks like that about a race of people. Hoiw smallminded! The fact is, you are in a lovely, happy place and are finally getting a break after a bad relationship, (amd your guy sounds lovely too). If your cousin genuinely cares for you, she should be happy. She sounds like a horrible human being, and if I was you, I would just refuse to be around her while she holds these views. If you are actually that important to her, she will look at herself and try to change these filthy RACIST opinions.

Argh! People like her boil my p!ss!!!!!